724 lines
43 KiB
HTML
724 lines
43 KiB
HTML
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<h1>Male Unbonding</h1>
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<p align="left">Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p align="left">Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
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<p align="left">Broadcasted: June 14, 1990 for the first time.</p>
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<p align="left">Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael
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Richards, </p>
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<p align="left">Jason Alexander, and Kevin Dunn (as Joel).</p>
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<p align="left"> </p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Nightclub]</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Most men like working on things, tools, objects,
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fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed
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a guy's out in his driveway working on</p>
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<p align="left">something with tools, how all the other men in the
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neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just
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come wandering out of the house like zombies.</p>
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<p align="left">Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog
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whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room
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curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over</p>
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<p align="left">there." So they run over to the guy. Now they
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don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the
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area where work is being done. That's what men</p>
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<p align="left">want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk
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to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What
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are you using, the Philips head?" You know,</p>
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<p align="left">we feel involved. That's why when they have construction
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sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's
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just to keep the men out. They cut those</p>
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<p align="left">little holes for us so we can see what the hell is
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going on. But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those
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fences. Right over there. "What are you using the</p>
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<p align="left">steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Jerry's apartment building]</p>
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<p align="left">(Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator)</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: I had to say something. I had to say something.
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Everything was going so well; I had to say something.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: I don't think you did anything wrong.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell
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her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I
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feel. I like you I don't tell you.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: We can only thank God for that.</p>
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<p align="left">(Elevator opens, they get on)</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: I'm outta the picture. I am outta the picture.
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(laughs) It's only a matter of time now.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: You're imagining this. Really.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Oh no. No, no, no, no.</p>
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<p align="left">(elevator doors close)</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE(cont.): I'll tell you when it happened. When
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that floss came flying out of my pocket.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: What floss? When?</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: We were in the lobby during the intermission
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of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange
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drink, for five dollars. I reached into my</p>
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<p align="left">pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this
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piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Ah, mint.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Of course. So, I'm looking at it, I look up,
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I see she's looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment.
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I just..</p>
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<p align="left">(eleveator doors open, they get off)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: So let me get this straight: she saw the floss,
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you panicked and you told her you liked her.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd
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be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: And you're sure the floss was the catalyst?</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Yes, I am.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (looks at a carrying pouch George is wearing)
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You don't think it might've had anything to do with that?</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: What? You don't like this?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: It looks like your belt is digesting a small
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animal.</p>
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<p align="left">(they go into Jerry's apartment to find Kramer talking
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on the phone)</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, it's
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all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (resumes
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talking on the phone) Yeah, yeah yeah,</p>
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<p align="left">yeah, take my number - 555-8643. Okay, here he is.
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(hands phone to Jerry.)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (to Kramer) Who is it?</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Take it.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Who is it?</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: It's for you.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits
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Kramer with a magazine.) .. No. I was out of town. I just got back..
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Kramer doesn't know anything.. He's just</p>
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<p align="left">my next-door neighbor. Uh.. nothing much.. Tuesday?
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Uh, Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody.. Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's
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okay.. Alright. Uh, I'm a little busy</p>
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<p align="left">right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? .. Okay..
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yeah.. right.. thanks.. bye. (hangs up, then addresses Kramer) Why
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did you put me on the phone with him? I</p>
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<p align="left">hate just being handed a phone.</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to
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you</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Well, why not?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: He bothers me. I don't even answer the phone
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anymore because of him. He's turned me into a screener. Now I gotta
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go see him on Wednesday.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had
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tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench!
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What happened? We're not</p>
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<p align="left">going?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: We're going. That's next Wednesday.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Oh. Who is this guy?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three
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houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We
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were friends. Should I suffer the rest of</p>
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<p align="left">my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten.
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I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table..
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he's so self-involved.</p>
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<p align="left">(phone rings, Kramer pulls his phone out of his pocket)</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: That's for me. (into phone) Kramerica Industries..
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Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza
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place where you make your own</p>
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<p align="left">pie.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Can you conduct your business elsewhere?</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: (ignoring Jerry) No, no, no. I'm talking about
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a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. (Kramer leaves Jerry's apartment while
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still on the phone.)</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: I don't know why you even bother with this
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ping pong guy, I'll tell you that.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: I don't bother with him. He's been calling
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me for seven years. I've never called him once! He's got the attention
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span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit</p>
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<p align="left">there and I make up things just to see if he's paying
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attention.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: I don't understand why you spend time with
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this guy.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him
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"I Don't think we're right for each other.." He's a guy.
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At least with a woman, there's a precendent. You know,</p>
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<p align="left">the relationship goes sour, you end it.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: No, no, no,no you have to approach this as
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if he was a woman.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Just break up with him?</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.</p>
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<p align="left">(scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Nightclub]</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: As a guy I don't know how I can break up with
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another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill,
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I feel I need to see other men." Do</p>
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<p align="left">you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I
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have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out
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of this relationship. It could be a long time. See,</p>
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<p align="left">the great thing about guys is that we can become friends
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based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends
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just because they're two guys. That's almost</p>
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<p align="left">all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports
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and women - is really all we talk about. If there was no sports
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and no women the only thing guys would ever</p>
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<p align="left">say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?"</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Coffee Shop]</p>
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<p align="left">(Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table)</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: ..so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in
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for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to
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go to him.. and I think, uh, Geraldo.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography,
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I thought it was really - interesting.. he would-</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: (interrupting) Hey, hey, hey, hey we're starving
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here! We've been waiting here for ten minutes already!</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about going
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to Iran this summer.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: I have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform.
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You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it
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is Farsi.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Do you think I need a haircut?</p>
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<p align="left">(waitress comes to their table)</p>
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<p align="left">WAITRESS: Are you ready?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey
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sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't
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want that processed turkey. I hate it.</p>
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<p align="left">WAITRESS: I think it's real turkey.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Is there a real bird in the back?</p>
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<p align="left">WAITRESS: No, there's not bird but-</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why don't
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you do me a favor. Why don't you go in the back and find out, okay?</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p align="left">(waitress leaves)</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: (cont.) Unbelievable..</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: How can you talk to someone like that?</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell
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you.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY AND JOEL: Howard metro.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: He asked me if I still saw you. I said, "Sure,
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I see him all the time. We're great friends." Anyway, Howard
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says hello.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: ..listen, Joel.. I don't think we should see
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each other anymore.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: what?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: This friendship.. it's not working.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Not working? What are you talking about?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: We're just not suited to be friends.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: How can you say that?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that - we
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don't have anything in common.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: (starting to cry) Wait. Wat did I do? Tell me..
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I want to know.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: You didn't do anything. It's not you, it's
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me. It's.. this is very difficult.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean,
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I know you're a very busy guy.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: No, it's not that.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: (crying) You're one of the few people I can
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talk to.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Oh, come on. That's not true.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: I always tell everybody about you; tell everybody
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to go see your show. I mean, I'm your biggest fan!</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: I know, I know.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: I mean, you're my best friend.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: I cannot believe that this is happening. I can't
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believe it.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. Id didn't
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mean it.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Didn't mean what?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: What I said. I've been under a lot of stress.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever
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happend? I'm sorry. I din't mean it. I took it out on you. We're
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still friends. We're still friends. Still friends.</p>
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<p align="left">Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets
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this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with
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me? Come on.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Tonight?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've
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said tonight.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Do you really want me to go?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (faking) Yes.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Okay. yeah, okay. Great! That would be, that'd
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be great.. so, next Wednesday.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Next Wednesday.</p>
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<p align="left">JOEL: Where is that waitress?! Hey! ..</p>
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<p align="left">(scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Bank]</p>
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|
<p align="left">(Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip; George
|
|
is carrying a jug full of pennies.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: ..she calls me up at my office, she says,
|
|
"We have to talk."</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: That, or "Who's bra is this?"</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: That is worse.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: So we order lunch, and we're talking. Finally,
|
|
she blurts out how it's "not working".</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Really.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm
|
|
thinking: great, the relationship's over. But the egg salad's on
|
|
the way. So now I have a decision - do I walk or</p>
|
|
<p align="left">do I eat?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Hm? You ate.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing,
|
|
staring at each other in a defunct relationship.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Someone says, "Get out of my life!"
|
|
and that doesn't affect your appetite?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Have you ever had their egg salad?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: It is unbelievable.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable?
|
|
I picked up the check. She didn't even offer. She ended it. The
|
|
least she could do is send me off</p>
|
|
<p align="left">with a sandwich.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (looking at George's penny jug) How much could
|
|
you possibly have in there? GEORGE: It's my money. What should I
|
|
do? Throw it out the window? I</p>
|
|
<p align="left">know guy who took his vacation on change.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Yeah? Where'd he go? To and arcade?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (sarcastic) That's funny. You're a funny guy.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: C'mon, move up.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George moves up in the bank line)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">CUSTOMER: Oh great, Ewing's hurt.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Ewing's hurt? How long is he going to be out?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">CUSTOMER: A couple of days at the most but..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Geez.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Oh, God.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: I got scared there for a second. The Knicks
|
|
without Ewing.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Listen, George, little problem with the game.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: What about it?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I geve your ticket to Horneck.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: You what?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to Horneck.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (talking about the line) C'mon, c'mon, go ahead,
|
|
move up.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Why did you give him my ticket for?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: You didn't see him. It was horrible.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GOERGE: Oh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I had to do it.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George is up to the teller, Jerry goes to another
|
|
one.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change
|
|
this into bills?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">TELLER: I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Do you want to go with him? You go. I don't
|
|
mind.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: I'm not going with him. I don't even know
|
|
the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">TELLER: Look, I can give you these and you can roll
|
|
them yourself.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: You want me to roll six thousand of these?!
|
|
What, should I quit my job?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Nightclub]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression
|
|
"Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen
|
|
anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate</p>
|
|
<p align="left">it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know
|
|
that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to
|
|
go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece</p>
|
|
<p align="left">of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like
|
|
a reward for this please."</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George is stuffing pennies into rolls.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: ..Thirty-two, thirty-three-</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: George.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (raises his hand) Not now.. (counts to himself).</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Could you stop the counting?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Nnnnnnnninngaaa! (Dumping out roll) What?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Can I make it up to you? I'll give you fifty
|
|
bucks for the jug.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Well, then I'm not going to the game either.
|
|
Okay? I'll give him both tickets.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (pantomimes sticking an imaginary knife in
|
|
his heart, and twists it) Oh geeeee.. Go, go!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I.. no, I don't want to go.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: He was really crying?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me
|
|
call his machine now and I'll just make up some excuse why I can't
|
|
go to the game either.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're
|
|
going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both
|
|
of the tickets, then we could go?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: George, the man wept.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Kramer enters.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you. This pizza
|
|
idea, is really going to happen.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: This is the thing where you go and you have
|
|
to make your own pizza?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it,
|
|
you pound it, you fling it in the air; and then you get to put your
|
|
sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese,</p>
|
|
<p align="left">and they - you slide it into the oven.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GOERGE: You know, you have to know how to do that.
|
|
You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree
|
|
oven.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: It's all supervised.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Oh, well.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: All of it. You want to invest?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: My money's all tied up in change right now.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: No, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really want
|
|
to make their own pizza pie.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I have to say something. With all due respect,
|
|
I just never.. I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under
|
|
any circumstance, wanting to make their own</p>
|
|
<p align="left">pizza pie.. but that's me.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: That's you.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I'm just saying..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you
|
|
guys.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: You know, this business is going to be big.
|
|
I just wanted .. okay. (he exits quickly, then sticks his head back
|
|
through the door) One day, you'll beg me to</p>
|
|
<p align="left">make your own pie. (he leaves)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry dials up Joel)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this
|
|
before you - Oh, Hi. Joel.. oh, you just came in.. listen, I can't
|
|
amke it to the game tonight. I, uh, have to tutor my</p>
|
|
<p align="left">nephew - Yeah, he's got an exam tomarrow.. geometry..
|
|
you know, trapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets.
|
|
They're at the Will-Call window..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">And I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk
|
|
next week. Okay.. yeah, I don't.. fine.. fine.. bye. (he hangs up).</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Trapezoid?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I know. I'm really running out of excuses with
|
|
this guy. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Jerry's apartment, night time]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Come on, let's go do something. I don't want
|
|
to just sit around here.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Want to go get something to eat?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Where do you want to go?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: I don't care, I'm not hungry.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: We could go to one of those cappuccino places.
|
|
They let you just sit there.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: What are we gonna do there? Talk?</p>
|
|
<p align="left"> JERRY: We can talk.</p>
|
|
<p align="left"> ELAINE: I'll go if I don't have to talk.</p>
|
|
<p align="left"> JERRY: We'll just sit there.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Okay. I'm gonna check my machine first.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Elaine sees a pad by the phone, and starts reading
|
|
it.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (cont.) "Picking someone up at the airport."
|
|
"Jury Duty." "Waiting for cable guy."</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Okay, just ahnd that over, please.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Oh, what is this?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: It's a list of excuses, it's for that guy,
|
|
Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that
|
|
list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and i don't</p>
|
|
<p align="left">have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine
|
|
starts writing on the list.) What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: I got some for you.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I don't need anymore.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: No, no, no, no, no, these are good. Listen,
|
|
listen: "You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house."</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (sarcastic) Very funny.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: How about: "You've been diagnosed as
|
|
a multiple personality, you're not even you, you're Dan."</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (gives Jerry the list) Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld,
|
|
I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: What can I do?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Deal with it. Be a man!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather lie to
|
|
him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying,
|
|
tears accompanied by mucus.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: You made a man cry? I've never made a man
|
|
cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry.. I
|
|
got the cab.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: A couple of touch monkeys.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Elaine laughs, Kramer enters.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed
|
|
a great game tonight, buddy!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Game?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Knock game. Horneck took me. We were sitting
|
|
two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by sweat!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Wait. How does Horneck know you?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Last week. When I, you know, game you the
|
|
phone. He's really into my pizza place idea!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: This is too much.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Wait, what pizza place idea?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Oh, no.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: You make your own pie!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would
|
|
be fun.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: (from the hallway.)Kramer..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Perfect.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Horneck enters.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: Hey..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Okay, who wants meatloaf?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY AND ELAINE: No thanks.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute. (exits)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: So, I though you were tutoring your nephew?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Oh, we finished early.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: Uhm, I'll bet. So, are you going to introduce
|
|
me to your - nephew?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys
|
|
split?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: We're still friends.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: So, thanks again for those tickets. But next
|
|
week, I'm going to take you. You about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine)
|
|
And why don't you come along?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good becasue we've
|
|
got choir practice.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Right. I forgot about choir.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: We're doing that evening of Eastern European
|
|
National Anthems.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Right. You know, the wall being down and everything.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: (to Jerry) What about Thursday night? I mean
|
|
they're playing the Sonics.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry shakes his head.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Huh... Thursday is not good because we've
|
|
got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: You know, I should really try something like
|
|
that.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: You really should.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JOEL: Well, let's just take a look here. (looks at
|
|
his schedule) Forty-one home games. Saturday night we've got the
|
|
mavericks. If you don't like the Mavericks, next</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Tuesday - Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right?
|
|
Let's see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back
|
|
on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">You can't miss Air Jordan..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Nightclub]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: You know, I really.. I've come to the conclusion
|
|
that there are certain friends in you life that they're just always
|
|
your friends and you have to accept it. You</p>
|
|
<p align="left">see them, you don't really want to see them. You don't
|
|
call them. They call you. You don't call back. They call again.
|
|
The only way to get through talking with people</p>
|
|
<p align="left">that you don't really have anything in common with
|
|
is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is
|
|
what I do. You pretend there's a little desk around</p>
|
|
<p align="left">you. The only problem with this is there's no way
|
|
you can say, "Hey, it's been great having you on the show.
|
|
Were out of time."</p>
|
|
<p align="left">END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p align="left">
|
|
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|