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<h1>The Airport</h1>
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&nbsp;</p>
<p align="left">Episode 52 -- &quot;The Airport&quot;</p>
<p align="left">Originally Aired: Wednesday, November 25, 1992, 9:30PM </p>
<p align="left">Production Credits:</p>
<p align="left">Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles</p>
<p align="left">Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones</p>
<p align="left">Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman</p>
<p align="left">Created By ........................... Larry David
and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
<p align="left">Written By ........................... Larry David</p>
<p align="left">Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones</p>
<p align="left"> </p>
<p align="left">Cast:</p>
<p align="left">Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
(well, duh!)</p>
<p align="left">George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander</p>
<p align="left">Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Dreyfus</p>
<p align="left">Kramer ............................... Michael Richards</p>
<p align="left">With:</p>
<p align="left">Tia .................................. Jennifer Campbell</p>
<p align="left">Prisoner ............................. Scott Burkholder</p>
<p align="left">Attendant #1 ......................... Jm J. Bullock</p>
<p align="left">Attendant #2 ......................... Karen Denise
Williams</p>
<p align="left">Grossbard ............................ Allan Wasserman</p>
<p align="left">Passenger #1 ......................... Lenny Rose</p>
<p align="left">Passenger #2 ......................... Annie Korzen</p>
<p align="left">Security Guard ....................... Deck McKenzie</p>
<p align="left">Ticket Clerk ......................... Maggie Egan</p>
<p align="left">Skycap ............................... Mark Christopher
Lawrence</p>
<p align="left">Driver ............................... William Evan
Masters</p>
<p align="left"> </p>
<p align="left">Previous episode references: </p>
<p align="left">None. </p>
<p align="left">Known Bugs: </p>
<p align="left">o George: But you are {Blanche}... You *are* in the
shackles... [just what the Hell is he saying here] </p>
<p align="left">Net reaction and comments: </p>
<p align="left">Fill in later...</p>
<p align="left">The Cereal Report </p>
<p align="left">Gasp! None. </p>
<p align="left">Quotes and Scene summary: </p>
<p align="left">Opening monologue (once again, the local station
cuts in a few seconds late. *Man* I hate that...)</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: ...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer;
there's always a small problem ``There'll be a slight delay, we'll be a *little*
late, if you could be a *little* *patient*! We're just trying
to get one of those *little* trucks to pull us up just a *little*
closer to the jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway and
there'll be a man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have
very little time to make your connecting flight. So move it!''.</p>
<p align="left">Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way
to the airport. Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo
waaaah, waah, waaaah...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could
you shut-up?They both chortle, and Jerry is hot so he's taking
his coat off, but Elaine refuses to take the wheel and Jerry's hand
gets stuck and before you can say &quot;Planes, Trains and Automobiles&quot;,
they collide head-on with a Snapple truck....</p>
<p align="left">Would you believe a big purple jeep?</p>
<p align="left">Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand
*did* get stuck...</p>
<p align="left">Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Hey guess what? This window doesn't work.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the
window doesn't work, </p>
<p align="left">the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap
hooker... </p>
<p align="left">[pause] Or is that you?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin'
me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my
gig, you got to</p>
<p align="left">see your sister...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Yeah, worked out good.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: And here's the beauty--</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: What?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: George is pickin' us up at the airport.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Get out of here! Why?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: You know that awning outside my building?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Yeah...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: He's always bragging about his vertical leap,
so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: So what happened?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: He didn't come within two feet of the thing.
He's wavin at it... </p>
<p align="left">So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he
wouldn't have</p>
<p align="left">to pay me anything.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Hey, how we doin' on time? </p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick
up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane...</p>
<p align="left">Oops.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Hey! Wait up!</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Hey! Wait up!</p>
<p align="left">Driver: Sorry. Heh heh heh...</p>
<p align="left">The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he
seems pretty happy about it.</p>
<p align="left">Finally inside, they check their luggage...</p>
<p align="left">Skycap: Where you goin'?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills
for a tip. You </p>
<p align="left">got anything?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Yeah, you want five? </p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Gimme ten.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: You're giving him *ten* dollars?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Well, we got three bags.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: That's a pretty big tip...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: That's what they get!</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: They don't get that much.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Let's ask him.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: We can't ask him...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Let's see what he says.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Jerry, we don't have time for this...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend
and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you
usually get for a tip.</p>
<p align="left">Skycap: Depends on the person, depends on the bag.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Uh, how about a couple of people like us.</p>
<p align="left">Skycap: People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you
don't even look like </p>
<p align="left">you know what you're doing...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: C'mon, seriously...</p>
<p align="left">Skycap: Well, since you asked, usually, I get five
dollars a bag.</p>
<p align="left">What!?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: What!?</p>
<p align="left">Skycap: That's right.</p>
<p align="left">*Five* bucks a bag?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so.</p>
<p align="left">Skycap: Look, you asked, I told you.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: You got some nerve trying to take advantage
of us...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very
much...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: You're lucky I don't report you...</p>
<p align="left">Fight the power, Lainey... As the two leave, the
Skycap checks their baggage. Jerry's two pieces first:</p>
<p align="left">Skycap: JFK... </p>
<p align="left">Then Elaine's:</p>
<p align="left">Skycap: ...Honolulu.</p>
<p align="left">Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket
counter in time.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Wait up!</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl.
'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms
flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run
like a man!</p>
<p align="left">Get your knees up!</p>
<p align="left">Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she
runs. Besides, she's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman.
Hmfph. Anyway, they get to the ticket counter.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry+Elaine: The flight's been canceled?!?!</p>
<p align="left">Ticket Lady: Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait--
I have two seats </p>
<p align="left">into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding
right now.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: We'll take 'em!</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: We're not going to sit together?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Well, so what? It's not that long-- you'll
read.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Well, what about George? He's supposed to
pick us up at Kennedy.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: We'll call him...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: There's no time.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?</p>
<p align="left">TLady: There's no time.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: There's no time. All right, we'll call him
from the plane.</p>
<p align="left">TLady: I have one seat in first class, and one in
coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.</p>
<p align="left">The two have that uncomfortable politeness that
only comes about when you're down to the last piece of pizza. Jerry breaks
the silence:</p>
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p align="left">Jerry: I'll take the first class.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Jerry!</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: What?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Why should you get the first class?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: No.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: All right then. See? You won't know what you're
missing. I've</p>
<p align="left">flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach.
I can't... I won't...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: You flew here coach.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Yeah, that's a point...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane
crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.</p>
<p align="left">They board the plane, and the flight attendant &quot;welcomes&quot;
Elaine aboard.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant #1: Third row right...</p>
<p align="left">Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant #1: Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Bon voyage, Lainey!</p>
<p align="left">Elaine is robbed of her peek into the first class
section by a drawn curtain and she goes to her seat. However, someone
comes after her and:</p>
<p align="left">Passenger #1: Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss,
I think you're </p>
<p align="left">sitting in my seat...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got
like 5 bags and Data General laptop.</p>
<p align="left">Passenger #1: I never check my bags-- I can't stand
that wait in the baggage area.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Great... [To herself] Help me...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry gets to his seat, however, he also is in the
wrong seat:</p>
<p align="left">Tia: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank...
*you*!</p>
<p align="left">Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes.</p>
<p align="left">Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the
car.</p>
<p align="left">George: Hey, thanks for coming with me.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Hey, what made you think you could touch that
awning?</p>
<p align="left">George: I confused it with another awning.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: So how we doin' on time?</p>
<p align="left">George: We're perfect. I timed this out so we would
pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is
supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off
the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal
as we roll up. </p>
<p align="left">I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express
to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. </p>
<p align="left">Um, George... Did you say &quot;perfect&quot;?</p>
<p align="left">George: What's going on? What are you doing? The Long
Island Expressway? </p>
<p align="left">What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway
for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide
mission!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Will you relax?!</p>
<p align="left">George: Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand
Central, the Van Wyck! </p>
<p align="left">You destroyed my whole timing!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: This is the best way to go!</p>
<p align="left">George: Do you know what happens if I miss him? I
don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks...</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: George, there's no traffic at this time. Now,
come on, man...</p>
<p align="left">George: Really?</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: If anything, we'll probably get there early.
I'll have a chance to </p>
<p align="left">go to the Duty Free shop.</p>
<p align="left">George: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest
sucker deal in retail.</p>
<p align="left">Do you know how much duty is? </p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Duty.</p>
<p align="left">George: Yeah, &quot;duty&quot;. Do you know how much
duty is?</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: No, I dunno how much duty is.</p>
<p align="left">George: Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: I still like to stop at the duty free shop.</p>
<p align="left">George: I like to stop at the duty free shop.</p>
<p align="left">They start to &quot;sing&quot;, growing more excited
after each iteration:</p>
<p align="left">G+K: I like to stop at the duty free shop!</p>
<p align="left">I like to stop at the duty free shop!</p>
<p align="left">Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are
chatting (isn't that always the way? You get stuck beside someone who
insists on going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't go
according to plan and all that boring dreck...)</p>
<p align="left">Tia: So, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'',
and I say, ``I thought this was an ad for shoes''...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Oh my...</p>
<p align="left">Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring...</p>
<p align="left">She fixes her glance at Jerry's nether regions:</p>
<p align="left">Tia: Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.</p>
<p align="left">Oh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his
lap and *that's* what she was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good
thing they gave you </p>
<p align="left">that washcloth to cover yourself up...</p>
<p align="left">Um, what was that page number again?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: What is this an ad for?</p>
<p align="left">Tia: See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair?
Way in the background, out of focus?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Uh-huh...</p>
<p align="left">In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by
honking cars and what is obviously heavy traffic...</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: How does it look on your side? [Pause while
George just stares at him] We'll get there...</p>
<p align="left">Back in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying
guy is sleeping beside</p>
<p align="left">her while the woman on her other side is reading
a book. Elaine is looking rather, shall we say &quot;pensive&quot;. She talks
to herself:</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have
to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys
burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major
organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for
him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself]
Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful.</p>
<p align="left">Oh, you poor, frail dear... On the bright side,
Kramer and George arrive at the airport. They're running to the terminal:</p>
<p align="left">George: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like
a man! Lift your knees!</p>
<p align="left">They find an arrival/departure screen thingie:</p>
<p align="left">George: Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a
half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: No, there it is, right there-- 133... and
it's canceled.</p>
<p align="left">George: Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick
up? I was here!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket
counter.</p>
<p align="left">A bearded man comes up to the screen before they
go:</p>
<p align="left">Grossbard: Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30...
[He leaves]</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Did you see that guy?</p>
<p align="left">George: No... What guy?</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: That guy.. He was just...</p>
<p align="left">George: Listen, you go over to the ticket counter,
I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine.
There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think
he mentioned my name!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: [still lost] I know that guy...</p>
<p align="left">Y'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me
of this guy John Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved
in one of those shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up
with him again...</p>
<p align="left">But, I digress. We cut to the airport gift shop
where a man in handcuffs and shackles is being led around by two FBI-looking
types:</p>
<p align="left">Prisoner: Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss
my Time magazine.</p>
<p align="left">Guard: Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of
here.</p>
<p align="left">George lifts the last copy from the rack before
the con can get it.</p>
<p align="left">Prisoner: Hey, I was gonna take that!</p>
<p align="left">George: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.</p>
<p align="left">Prisoner: I don't care when you got here, I want the
magazine...</p>
<p align="left">George: You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about
me in this magazine!</p>
<p align="left">Prisoner: A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out
the cover, idiot!</p>
<p align="left">Guard: All right, let's go...</p>
<p align="left">George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture
of the aforementioned prisoner with the caption ``Caught!''
written below.</p>
<p align="left">Prisoner: I want the magazine!</p>
<p align="left">George: Umm... No.</p>
<p align="left">Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't
in these shackles...</p>
<p align="left">George: But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles.
Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too.
Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be
a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that
is!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque
double-take at &quot;that guy&quot; from the departure screen who's
browsing books. He goes up to </p>
<p align="left">George.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: They're on a different flight. They're scheduled
to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia.</p>
<p align="left">George: Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Where do I know that guy from?</p>
<p align="left">Back in the developing nation section of the plane
(coach, that is), Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake
up so she can go to the bathroom.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: [To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug!
Wake up! *Wake* </p>
<p align="left">*up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud]
Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...</p>
<p align="left">The cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine
has a hard time getting out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer
stumbling and falling into the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting up,
facing the row of seats (and their staring sitters) across from her, Elaine
makes faces at them like she's a homicidal maniac from &quot;Taxi Driver&quot;.
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
You can just see the words ``You lookin' at *me*?'' etched in her brain. It's
a killer.</p>
<p align="left"></p>
<p align="left">Anyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom,
Jerry and Tia are enjoying some hot towels on their faces.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Oh my... that *is* refreshing...</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Would you care for some slippers?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them
on her] May I?</p>
<p align="left">Tia: Please!</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.</p>
<p align="left">They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no,
that's not a cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car...</p>
<p align="left">George: My name is not mentioned in this blurb...</p>
<p align="left">Ding!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: It's Grossbard!</p>
<p align="left">Why don't these people listen to me? I don't understand...</p>
<p align="left">George: Who's Grossbard?</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street
20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent.
Then one month, </p>
<p align="left">he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240
bucks! He took the cash and &gt;pfffft&lt; disappears. Well, I try
to find him, I went </p>
<p align="left">to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh.
I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John
Grossbard!</p>
<p align="left">George: Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty
years ago...</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get
that guy...</p>
<p align="left">George: No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot*
abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social
contract. </p>
<p align="left">We... we must go forward... not back.</p>
<p align="left">George, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running
for office?</p>
<p align="left">Meanwhile, 32 000 feet above them, Elaine is still
waiting to get into the bathroom-- there's someone in there. *Finally*,
a ZZ Top reject comes out of the bathroom and, to paraphrase Jerry in &quot;The
Smelly Car&quot;: ``I open the door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits
me--''. Elaine takes in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.</p>
<p align="left"></p>
<p align="left">Jerry comes back from the *first class* washroom:</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom?
It's like an English garden in there.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too...</p>
<p align="left">Tia: It's almost overwhelming...</p>
<p align="left">The captain interrupts our little irony:</p>
<p align="left">Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've
been </p>
<p align="left">instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK.
We apologize for any inconvenience...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine exits the bathroom, exasperated and curious:</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: [To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd
he say?</p>
<p align="left">Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has
been inside to see if J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer
in the car.</p>
<p align="left">George: Well, You're not gonna believe it...</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: What?</p>
<p align="left">George: The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy.
We've got 45 minutes.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard--
it tolls for thee.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer peels out. He's on a mission from God.</p>
<p align="left">In first class, Jerry and Tia get the lowdown on
the grub:</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande,
my personal favourite.</p>
<p align="left">Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover
sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Oh, saffron! That sounds good.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: And today we're featuring wines from the
*Tuscany* region...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry+Tia: Tuscany!</p>
<p align="left">They do that &quot;tink&quot; thing again, and we
rejoin Elaine going back to her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop
to the unwashed masses</p>
<p align="left">in coach and he's in her way.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Hi. Can I get to my seat?</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: You're just gonna have to wait...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: But you just passed it. I'm sitting right
there next to that guy...</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: You're not supposed to get up during the
food service.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Well, nobody *told* me that!</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Look. This plane is *full*. I got a lot
of people to serve. </p>
<p align="left">Now please... You're just gonna have to wait.</p>
<p align="left">Back at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals
board (again)...</p>
<p align="left">George: There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I
*still* got time to </p>
<p align="left">catch him!</p>
<p align="left">George: How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded
the plane already.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Gimme your credit card.</p>
<p align="left">George: My credit card?</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions.</p>
<p align="left">George: I'm not gonna give you my card unless you
tell me what it's for!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get on
that flight.</p>
<p align="left">George: What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more
on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard.</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna
get my money, I'll get </p>
<p align="left">off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund.
It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.</p>
<p align="left">George: This is a *great* idea! Here... use this one.
I get frequent flyer </p>
<p align="left">miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets.
As long as </p>
<p align="left">your turning it in for a refund what's the difference?
I'll get *double* the bonus miles.</p>
<p align="left">Back in *coach* (I get hives just thinking about
it), Elaine returns to her</p>
<p align="left">seat now that the attendant is done serving.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this,
but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me
get through. </p>
<p align="left">There's no way to get around that cart...</p>
<p align="left">Passenger 1: You're not supposed to get up during
the food service.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: I'll try and remember that. [Pause] Where's
my meal?</p>
<p align="left">Passenger 1: He asked me where you were, and you were
gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats.</p>
<p align="left">Uh-huh... Elaine addresses the nearby attendant.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Are you sure?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food
had been served to me.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Would you?</p>
<p align="left">Ooooh, them's fightin' words, Monroe.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I
don't even know what a kosher meal is.</p>
<p align="left">Passenger 1: I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected
it, or something.</p>
<p align="left">Passenger 2: No, no. It all has to do with the way
they kill the pig.</p>
<p align="left">Passenger 1: They don't eat pigs!</p>
<p align="left">Passenger 2: They do if it's killed right-- under
a Rabbi's supervision.</p>
<p align="left">Ummmm, sure. Another (uncredited) passenger addresses
the debate from somewhere out of camera range.</p>
<p align="left">Passenger 3: Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher
meal.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Then why didn't you take it?</p>
<p align="left">Passenger 3: I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: You're eating my food!</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do you
want it, or not.</p>
<p align="left">Take the food, Elaine. But ask that guy just what
the heck a kosher meal is-- I'm curious...</p>
<p align="left">Meanwhile, Jerry and Tia enjoy a nummy-lookin' dessert
treat.</p>
<p align="left">J+T: Mmmmmmmm!</p>
<p align="left">Tia: This is the best sundae I've ever had.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge
on the bottom-- y'see? </p>
<p align="left">That enables you to control your fudge distribution
as you're eatin' your ice cream.</p>
<p align="left">Tia: I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Thank you...</p>
<p align="left">J+T: Mmmmmm!</p>
<p align="left">We get a quick shot of Elaine staring at *something*
on the end of her fork</p>
<p align="left">with a decidedly unimpressed look. Back in first
class:</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: More anything?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: More everything!</p>
<p align="left">Does that include Rabbi-slaughtered bovines?</p>
<p align="left">Back at JFK...</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon.</p>
<p align="left">George: Super Savers? Are they refundable!?</p>
<p align="left">No.</p>
<p align="left">George: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: She talked me in to it-- she said it was the
best deal.</p>
<p align="left">George: Do you know how much this is going to cost
me?</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split it with
you</p>
<p align="left">How big of you, you brute. They board the plane.</p>
<p align="left">George: Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...</p>
<p align="left">I dunno, George. Those *coach* bathrooms stink.
Just ask Elaine.</p>
<p align="left"></p>
<p align="left">Kramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For
his part, Grossbard doesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years
ago (then again, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying
in vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the plane.
Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom door to
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
a reply of ``Just a minute'' from the occupant inside (I bet he stinks).
Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the Prisoner without his
Time magazine (at least now we know why he needed it so badly-- reading
material for the john). Anyway, the guy pulls George into the bathroom
(he's still wearing his cuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got
to make it rather difficult to go to the bathroom, but I digress)).
So, while George is in the can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted
off the plane. Don't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's
up with going to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there
laws against that? Or is it just trains that you have to wait until
they're moving? Who really cares, anyway?</p>
<p align="left">Meanwhile, somewhere above New York, Elaine sneaks
into first class (she's so cute when she shows her rebellious side).
She just gets settled into a comfy seat complete with pillow (they
probably get rocks in, ugh, *coach*), when all of a sudden:</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Excuse me... Excuuuse me...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: What is your name?</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Elaine Benes?</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: [Checks her list] You're going to have
to go back to coach.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here...</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These
seats are very expensive.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there.
Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable
up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me
back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods] </p>
<p align="left">Oh, you got *cookies*!</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your
seat!</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal
should be a society *without* *classes*! [She goes through the
curtain to,ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here
are getting *cookies*!</p>
<p align="left">The outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing
a blanket and napping (at least, that's what I *think* they're
doing under that big, blue blanket...)</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: What is all the racket back there? You know,
you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put
up with. </p>
<p align="left">[To attendant] What is going on?</p>
<p align="left">Attendant: Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first
class.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is,
that curtain is no security-- there really should be a locking door.</p>
<p align="left">Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return
to snuggling...</p>
<p align="left"></p>
<p align="left">Back on terra firma, Kramer is being escorted through
the airport by a security guy. He tries to talk his way out:</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!</p>
<p align="left">No good. He breaks free and makes a run for it and
seemingly escapes.</p>
<p align="left">Meanwhile, Jerry is getting ready for deboarding
and he glances out the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running,
arms flailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be sure.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Couldn't be...</p>
<p align="left">After they get off the plane, J+E look for the boys
and get their baggage</p>
<p align="left">(question: how would they know Kramer was there,
too? They didn't get a hold of George on the phone, or he would've went
to Laguardia in the first</p>
<p align="left">place...)</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere...</p>
<p align="left">Well, George is being raped in a bathroom and Kramer
is still on the lam somewhere in the airport...</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: I got my bags, I'm ready to go.</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: Yeah, *you* got *your* bags...</p>
<p align="left">In Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a
good time, revolving around the baggage thingy, complete with lei...</p>
<p align="left">Elaine: The worst flight I have been on in my entire
life.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Yeah, me too...</p>
<p align="left">He seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an
entourage of photographers.</p>
<p align="left">Tia: I'll call you.</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Okay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business
thing...</p>
<p align="left">Enter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage
comes out-- you didn't expect a whole episode to go by without a &quot;Kramer
entrance&quot;, did you?</p>
<p align="left">Kramer: You guys ready?</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: Yeah. Where's George?</p>
<p align="left">Hmmm... We go to a shot outside the plane looking
in on a rather roughed up George Costanza. He screams:</p>
<p align="left">George:</p>
<p align="left">Well, you can't hear him through the window, but
he is definitely shouting</p>
<p align="left">``KRAMER!''</p>
<p align="left">Jerry: But I have to admit, I like flying. I like
those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small
apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, you close the door,
the light comes on. It's like a small surprise party every time
you go in there. The worst way of flying, I think is &quot;standby&quot;,
you ever fly standby? It never works, you know, that's why they
call it standby-- </p>
<p align="left">you stand there going ``Bye!'' So I was on this flight
where the flight attendant-- it was her first day on the job
so they didn't have a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes
a big difference, </p>
<p align="left">I mean this is just some regular person coming over
to you going ``Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way
up?'' It's like, ``Who the Hell are you?!''</p>
<p align="left">[End]</p>
<p align="left">(Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike &quot;The
News Guy&quot;)
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