1277 lines
52 KiB
HTML
1277 lines
52 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Alternate Side </h1>
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Transcribed by
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Dave(ratboy)</p>
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<p> Written by: Larry David and Bill Masters<br>
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<p> Episode no. 28<br>
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pc: 3103, season 3, episode 11<br>
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Broadcast date: December 4, 1991<br>
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<p> The Cast<br>
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<br>
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Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars:<br>
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<br>
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Jay Brooks....................... Sid<br>
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Janet Zarish..................... Rental Car Agent<br>
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Edward Penn...................... Owen March<br>
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Jeff Barton...................... Paramedic<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening monologue.<br>
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Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car
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will behave as<br>
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if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone
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disturbs it,<br>
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it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy.
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Not<br>
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everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't
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it be nice<br>
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if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You
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know, somebody<br>
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tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I
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would like a car alarm<br>
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like that.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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First scene.<br>
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Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front.<br>
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<br>
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George: Was the alarm on?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound;
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I'm not<br>
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tuned in to it like it's my son.<br>
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<br>
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George: I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: They cross the wires or something.<br>
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<br>
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George: Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer enters.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: They stole my car.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Who did?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: They did.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Was it more than just one?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What should I do, should I call the police?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: What are they gonna do?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service.<br>
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<br>
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George: Maybe you should call your car phone.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, he's probably driving it right now.<br>
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<br>
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George: Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Are you serious?<br>
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<br>
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George: Yeah, go ahead, call.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I don't even know if I remember the number.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry dials.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What do I say if he picks up?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Hello?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hello? Is this 555-8383?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: I have no idea.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Can I ask you a question?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Sure.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Did you steal my car?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Yes I did.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: You did?!<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: I did.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: That's my car!<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: I didn't know it was yours.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: I dunno, drive around.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Then can I have it back?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Hello?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Yeah, who's this?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Kramer.<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Hello, Kramer.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Wait, hold on... Brown ones?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them
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by my<br>
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building, it's 129 West 81st St.<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: One-two-nine, okay.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry (derisively at Kramer): Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Jerry?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires?<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive
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carefully.<br>
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<br>
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Car thief: Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because
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I can't find<br>
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the--<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry hangs up.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car.<br>
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<br>
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George: Who's Sid?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block.<br>
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<br>
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George: What do you mean?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: He moves them from one side of the street to the other so
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|
you don't get<br>
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a ticket.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: What, do you pay him for that?<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, like fifty bucks a month.<br>
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<br>
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George: How many people does he do that for?<br>
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<br>
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|
Jerry: The whole block, forty, fifty cars.<br>
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|
<br>
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Kramer: He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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he's been<br>
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|
doing that for years, right Jerry?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: Could anybody do that?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Sid enters.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Hey Sid, what happened?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sid: I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: You left the keys in the car?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Sid: Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the
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|
block, and all<br>
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|
those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got
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|
a little<br>
|
|
distracted.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You know I'm in that movie?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: You are?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Yeah, I'm an extra.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George: How'd you get that?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy
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just asked<br>
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me.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: Right out of the clear blue sky?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Clear blue sky!<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
George: Well, why didn't they ask me?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: I got a quality.<br>
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<br>
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|
Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right?<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.<br>
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|
<br>
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Sid: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday,
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for a<br>
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|
week, so I can't park it.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: This Wednesday?<br>
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<br>
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Sid: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday.
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|
It's the<br>
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|
week after this Wednesday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Sid: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They
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|
can move<br>
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|
themselves if they want.<br>
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<br>
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|
George: Maybe I could move them until you get back.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Sid: What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't
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|
work?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: I'm in a transition phase right now.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Sid: Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't
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|
forget to<br>
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|
take the keys out, that's all.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Phone rings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just
|
|
slide it all<br>
|
|
the way over. You're welcome.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Elaine: I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like
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|
he's reading<br>
|
|
from one of his novels.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Owen March, I never heard of him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty
|
|
good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What's that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He's sixty-six years old.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Rental car agent: Next please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, go, go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Can I help you? Name please?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's
|
|
a small. I'm<br>
|
|
kidding around, of course.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Okay, let's see here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Sixty-six years old?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant.
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|
You'd<br>
|
|
really like him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would
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|
I like him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year
|
|
old woman?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant.
|
|
So vibrant,<br>
|
|
she'd be spinning.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my
|
|
reservation?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have
|
|
the<br>
|
|
reservation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: I know why we have reservations.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you
|
|
know how to<br>
|
|
take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation
|
|
and<br>
|
|
that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding.
|
|
Anybody<br>
|
|
can just take them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she can
|
|
be seen<br>
|
|
speaking with someone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying
|
|
over there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think
|
|
I'm talking<br>
|
|
to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start
|
|
talking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something
|
|
but I'm<br>
|
|
not really saying anything at all?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause
|
|
they thought<br>
|
|
I was checking with you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The agent returns.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over
|
|
there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: But we do have a compact if you would like that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Fine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld.
|
|
Would you<br>
|
|
like insurance?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna
|
|
beat the hell<br>
|
|
out of this car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Please fill this out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's
|
|
okay being<br>
|
|
with him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I just don't enjoy being with him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well that's what's important.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner,
|
|
do I have to<br>
|
|
break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over
|
|
the phone?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: How many times you been out with him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Seven?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Face to face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid,
|
|
is over<br>
|
|
the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Hmm... How's the pasta over there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him
|
|
out of the way<br>
|
|
and heads for the kitchen sink.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Whoa, whoa!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What is going on out there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating,
|
|
I got an alarm<br>
|
|
that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing!
|
|
What do I<br>
|
|
do?! Help me! Help me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George runs off into the bathroom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Today?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the
|
|
block<br>
|
|
carrying this bag of groceries.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes
|
|
flying, and<br>
|
|
Woody, Woody starts laughing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He was laughing?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out
|
|
of his nose.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So then what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I got a line in the movie!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Get out!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: That's great!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Pretty good, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new
|
|
career on my<br>
|
|
hands, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You mean *a* career.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So was Mia Farrow there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What's your line?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm
|
|
at this bar<br>
|
|
and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him
|
|
and I go,<br>
|
|
"Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Is that how you're gonna say it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: No, no, I'm working on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to
|
|
act.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry pinches his nose.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: That was no good? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I didn't say anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I'm gonna go break up with Owen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation!
|
|
Do you<br>
|
|
know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar
|
|
a really long<br>
|
|
time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman
|
|
and he's<br>
|
|
parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright!
|
|
Alright! <br>
|
|
Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are
|
|
making me<br>
|
|
thirsty!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George storms out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene. <br>
|
|
Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding on
|
|
the door, Jerry<br>
|
|
opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh my god.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Call an ambulance.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Boy, he took it hard.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what
|
|
happened.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: We were walking down the block right by your house and I
|
|
was just about<br>
|
|
to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (on the phone): Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty
|
|
nine west<br>
|
|
Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Tell then to hurry! Hurry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (To Elaine): It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't
|
|
know but he's<br>
|
|
unconscious.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.)
|
|
Boy,<br>
|
|
these pretzels are making me thirsty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: What happened here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called
|
|
an ambulance,<br>
|
|
does anyone know first aid?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What extremities?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: What's an extremity?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You raise the feet, get blood to the head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You raise the head, you get blood to the feet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't have a washcloth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well use a paper towel.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You can't put a paper towel on his head.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: What about a big sponge?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: How you gonna hold it on there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Use a belt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Should we walk him around?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Kramer (at the same time): Yes, yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, I've seen them do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, no that's for a drug overdose.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Maybe that's what he's got.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't
|
|
leave the<br>
|
|
table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He is not a drug addict!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just
|
|
need a cookie<br>
|
|
or something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: A cookie!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Can you give him a cookie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: How's he gonna chew it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar
|
|
revived him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his jaw
|
|
up and down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and
|
|
he could drink<br>
|
|
it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Cookies don't liquefy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright I'll get a blender.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What blender? I don't have a blender.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You got a blender.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I would know if I had a blender.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Where is the ambulance?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed
|
|
by a<br>
|
|
crashing sound.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (on phone): Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five<br>
|
|
minutes ago.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I can't believe what's going on out here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer
|
|
buzzes) <br>
|
|
Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Paramedics.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Come on up. Okay, they're here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He seems to be breathing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that
|
|
to him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Almost.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: It's not an easy thing to bring up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, that's true.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He does, how'd you know that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I could tell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Two paramedics enter with a stretcher.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What happened, what took you so long?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Paramedic: We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move,
|
|
the whole<br>
|
|
intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So
|
|
finally we<br>
|
|
make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars
|
|
slammed into<br>
|
|
us with a blue Escort.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What happened to the car?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks
|
|
at Owen) <br>
|
|
Who's he?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: This guy I'm seeing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What happened?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We don't know!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Paramedic: Who put cookies in his mouth?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine: Cookies?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Paramedic: You're not supposed to do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So how'd you hit the car?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw
|
|
Woody Allen<br>
|
|
and I got all distracted.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It's not even my car, it's a rental.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production
|
|
of the<br>
|
|
movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the
|
|
street all<br>
|
|
screwed up?'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Should I apologize to Woody?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe
|
|
I'll bring<br>
|
|
it up. I'll feel him out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mid-episode Monologue.<br>
|
|
What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years
|
|
ago? You<br>
|
|
know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment.
|
|
<br>
|
|
Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole
|
|
first aid. <br>
|
|
They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?'
|
|
'No, no we<br>
|
|
can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you
|
|
know that. Did<br>
|
|
you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before
|
|
anybody.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sid: Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should
|
|
have<br>
|
|
mentioned that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well I know how to drive.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sid: Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling
|
|
me up<br>
|
|
screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Jerry: Can I get anybody anything?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't
|
|
take no more<br>
|
|
sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's
|
|
putting your<br>
|
|
pants on?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I put my pants on, Sid.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sid: I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can
|
|
move those<br>
|
|
cars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sid: Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little
|
|
boy needs<br>
|
|
surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because
|
|
you can't<br>
|
|
park a few cars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Maybe I could call my father.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters holding a newspaper.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey, you seen the paper yet?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered
|
|
a stroke<br>
|
|
yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (continuing): The extent of the damage would have been far
|
|
less severe<br>
|
|
had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sid: Oh lord.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (finishing): The commotion also delayed production of a Woody
|
|
Allen movie<br>
|
|
that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary
|
|
filmmaker said<br>
|
|
that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of
|
|
shooting<br>
|
|
movies in New York were over.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating
|
|
a bag of<br>
|
|
pretzels.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking
|
|
up with<br>
|
|
him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's
|
|
over.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Can he communicate?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems
|
|
to enjoy<br>
|
|
it when I read to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called
|
|
before,<br>
|
|
uh, my car got smashed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him
|
|
now it'll<br>
|
|
look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized
|
|
from<br>
|
|
the community.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What community? There's a community?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Of course there's a community.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand
|
|
eight hundred<br>
|
|
and sixty-six dollars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the
|
|
driver of<br>
|
|
the car at the time of the accident.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: That is right, somebody else was driving.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving
|
|
the car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Uh huh, what's that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: You're not covered for other drivers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Other drivers?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Um hm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented
|
|
car. <br>
|
|
That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover
|
|
me or<br>
|
|
something?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Not that particular one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card,
|
|
any card you<br>
|
|
want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Sir, if you had read the rental agreement--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration
|
|
of<br>
|
|
Independence, who's gonna read that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Agent: Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered
|
|
for that<br>
|
|
damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: These pretzels are making me thirsty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair
|
|
and in<br>
|
|
generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean,
|
|
huh? Don't<br>
|
|
they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in
|
|
the south, are<br>
|
|
they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my
|
|
Yankee<br>
|
|
Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin)
|
|
Owen, I<br>
|
|
think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be
|
|
nice if *we*<br>
|
|
could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming
|
|
here, and uh,<br>
|
|
feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's
|
|
good stuff. <br>
|
|
Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful!
|
|
But at this<br>
|
|
point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment
|
|
to one<br>
|
|
person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common.
|
|
For example, I<br>
|
|
like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and
|
|
skiing, and um,<br>
|
|
well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch
|
|
to get here. <br>
|
|
It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take
|
|
the<br>
|
|
double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends.
|
|
These<br>
|
|
pretzels are making me thirsty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked
|
|
in a<br>
|
|
vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Do I smell?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street
|
|
subway today,<br>
|
|
it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Ahh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: He's alright?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just
|
|
using me for<br>
|
|
sex.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The waitress brings the check.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Let me get that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No no no, I got it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
George: No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost
|
|
you over two<br>
|
|
thousand dollars, <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters and sits down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What are you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I got fired from the movie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Get out of here, why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we
|
|
rehearsed it<br>
|
|
twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These
|
|
pretzels<br>
|
|
are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I
|
|
slammed the<br>
|
|
glass down on the bar and it shattered.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Aww.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started
|
|
crying. And<br>
|
|
he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman,
|
|
she came up<br>
|
|
to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the gloves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Closing monologue.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And
|
|
the best part<br>
|
|
of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to
|
|
get married,<br>
|
|
you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or
|
|
for worse, all<br>
|
|
I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one.
|
|
Do you take<br>
|
|
this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there.
|
|
Rest of the<br>
|
|
time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the
|
|
sniffles, you<br>
|
|
better be there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
|
|
End.
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
|
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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