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<h1>The Bizarro Jerry</h1>
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[JERRY and GEORGE are eating at an outdoor table, possibly in a
zoo.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Fine.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet
as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their
circus?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the
whole planet!</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin'
their little alien heads in my mouth..</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[resigned] At least it's show business..</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with
me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>What if she's got no interest in you?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take
a ride on a spaceship.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[time: 00:43]</p>
<p>[Commercial Break] </p>
<p>[Exterior long shot: looking up at an office building]</p>
<p>[Interior of office reception area of &quot;Brand/Leland&quot;
as GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER come in. They calmly keep it quiet.]</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Krama, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown! </p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>[frustrated] Wha??</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[dry] He knows.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>{Anyway,} on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush,
like a jet engine! [imitates sound] Ha ha!</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>[impressed] Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you
later.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>You sure?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[dry] He knows.</p>
<p>[KRAMER goes on his mission and they're waiting for the elevator
as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives, not noticing them.</p>
<p>She could be a model.]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Wow.</p>
<p>Nice.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Why don't you try your engagement story?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[considers, but got into elevator] Won't work.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Are you sure? </p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[wry] He knows. </p>
<p>[Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN, a geekish nice guy in a red
jacket, are eating at a table. ELAINE is a little bored,</p>
<p>dreading.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd
be, better off just being.. friends. [takes a bite of her</p>
<p>sandwich]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Friends?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Well. I mean. [distracted by the food] Oh, god. This tuna tastes
like an old sponge.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like
you an' Jerry!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Men's room door. Flush sound and &quot;Wooo!&quot;.]</p>
<p>[Down the hall, a MAN in a suit is trying to use the copier as
KRAMER comes out of the men's room affecting nonchalance.]</p>
<p>MAN</p>
<p>[frustrated] Damn thing is jammed again..</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots
on 'em. [hits button several times and whacks it]</p>
<p>MAN #2</p>
<p>[rushing by, tense] Hey Leland wants everyone in the conference
room right now. </p>
<p>MAN</p>
<p>Come on, let's go.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>[absently wants to be part of it] Oh, yeah--yeah.. [follows them]</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE at a booth.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[to JERRY] Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend
who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you</p>
<p>should give her a call.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[doubtful] I don't know, do you have a--</p>
<p>[ELAINE has anticipated the question, gives him her picture.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Not bad. Wuh--what does she--</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[dry] I put her stats on the back.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Pretty impressive--&quot;Serious boyfriend '92 to '95.&quot; Owns
her own car.. &quot;Favorite president: James Polk!&quot; [ELAINE
had</p>
<p>echoed: &quot;Uh-huh. Yup.&quot; during it]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Hnn! Let me see that.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[hands it to him as he asks ELAINE] So how'd it go with Kevin?
Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[laughs in appreciation] You are not gonna believe this! I told
him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really</p>
<p>wants to be friends.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Why would anybody want a friend.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[dread] Uh.</p>
<p>It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me
to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never</p>
<p>ever do.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I mean all that stuff is so small..</p>
<p>[(ELAINE is wryly assessing him)]</p>
<p>stupid.. </p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[still looking at that picture] You know if I told my engagement
story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiance..</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>What?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe
living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been</p>
<p>inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already
been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come</p>
<p>and go as I please!</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[wry, not impressed] Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you
were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to</p>
<p>move the whole damn forbidden city. [chuckles with JERRY]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[getting up] Can I keep this?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>No, I need it.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[absently leaving with it] Thanks.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[The Brand/Leland office reception area. GEORGE comes in off elevator
to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay..</p>
<p>AMANDA</p>
<p>I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here..</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[taking out wallet] Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an',
make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh!</p>
<p>Seems--oh! I, oh! [has conveniently dropped the photo into her
view]</p>
<p>AMANDA</p>
<p>Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[humble] Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fiance, Susan.
May she rest in peace.</p>
<p>AMANDA</p>
<p>Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[shaking hands] I'm George.</p>
<p>[As they continue talking, MAN3 and KRAMER go to the elevator.]</p>
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p>MAN3</p>
<p>Good work today, K-man!</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell
the sizzle.</p>
<p>MAN3</p>
<p>Heh, heh!</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>{You want a drink? I'm buyin'.}</p>
<p>MAN3</p>
<p>In that case, make mine a double!</p>
<p>[They yuck it up, getting on the elevator.] </p>
<p>[Night at a restaurant. JERRY and GILLIAN meet.]</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>Jerry?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Gillian. Hiii..</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>Very nice to meet you.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>It's nice to meet you!</p>
<p>[They're shaking hands and he notices hers are like a man's--nice
enough, but big, beefy.]</p>
<p>[Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE are in a booth.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>She had man-hands.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[pause] Man, Hands?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology,
I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[weary] {Look,} would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Would she have hooks?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Kinda cool lookin'..</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[getting up to go] Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my {place
tomorrow}--</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[leaving too] Yeah. Yeah.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of {buttons}.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can
call--</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[weary] Jerry! </p>
<p>[Early morning in Jerry's &quot;house,&quot; a tea kettle is whistling.
KRAMER's cooking breakfast as JERRY comes out of the bedroom,</p>
<p>tired but surprised. He's in his pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit
and oven mitts.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Kramer?!</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Hey buddy! Hey!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Why?? </p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Because I'm workin' there, that's why.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[disoriented] How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this?</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting,
aimlessly?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[snaps fingers] Now that you mention it.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An'
at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people
I'm</p>
<p>workin' with.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>How much are they payin' you?</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay.</p>
<p>I'm doin' this just for me.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>T.C.B.</p>
<p>You know, takin' care o' business.</p>
<p>Aa--I gotta go.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>All right.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>[leaving] I'll see you tonight, huh? [turning back, grabs his briefcase]
Forget my briefcase.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>W-w-wha' you got in there?</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>[as he leaves with it] Crackers.</p>
<p>[MUSIC (Sheena Easton's &quot;Morning Train (Nine to Five)&quot;)
accompanies assorted shots of working-man KRAMER:</p>
<p>Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction).</p>
<p>Washing his shoes at the water cooler.</p>
<p>Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase.</p>
<p>Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.]</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE is on the other end.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>So the picture worked. Amazing!</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Hey, she wants me to dress uh &quot;smart casual.&quot; What uh,
what is that?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I don't know, but you don't have it.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Right. Bye.</p>
<p>[ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging at JERRY. He doesn't know
why so shrugs back.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Where were you today?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>What?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Pick. Up.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[whispers] Damn.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>So? Where were you?!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[irritated, throwing down her bag] I had to ask Kevin, to leave
his office an' come an' pick me up!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>So? What are friends for?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate.
He's like your, exact opposite.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>So he's Bizarro Jerry!</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[pause] Bizarro Jerry?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives
in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is</p>
<p>Up. He says &quot;Hello&quot; when he leaves, &quot;Good bye&quot;
when he arrives.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[pause] Shouldn't he say &quot;Bad bye&quot;? Isn't that the, opposite
of &quot;Good bye&quot;?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>No. It's still a goodbye.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Uh. Does he live underwater?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>No.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Is he black..</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Look. Just, forget it, {already}. All right?</p>
<p>[KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.]</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Wow. Man. What a day.</p>
<p>Could I use a drink. [starts getting a drink and ice]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Tough day at the office?</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop. </p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock
cold fusion.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin'
my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine,</p>
<p>I'm toast.. [{takes a swig and reacts}]</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Exterior of cheap-looking bar with neon &quot;V&quot;s on the
outside. Then interior, it's a black-walled dance bar full of gorgeous</p>
<p>women and GEORGE and AMANDA.]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing
plant!</p>
<p>[Three female MODELS come up to them.]</p>
<p>MODEL #1</p>
<p>Hey! Amanda!</p>
<p>AMANDA</p>
<p>These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to
model together.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. [to self in head]
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!</p>
<p>AMANDA</p>
<p>So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time?</p>
<p>MODEL #2</p>
<p>[petulant] A bore.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiance, Susan.. [opening
wallet] In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her..</p>
<p>[shows them the picture]</p>
<p>MODEL #3</p>
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p>[awed] Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance? </p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Exterior of a restaurant.]</p>
<p>[Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands tearing restaurant bread in half.]
</p>
<p>[GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his
horror of her hands.]</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>Would you like some bread, Jerry?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>Well, then at least drink your beer.. [she's opening the bottle--brief
closeup on hands]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[to self] It's not a... Twist off.</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>You have a little something on your face.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I can get it. [feeling his face]</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. [reaches over]</p>
<p>[A close-up of his face while a man-hand is getting the very small
thing. He's uneasy.]</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>[friendly] It's an eyelash. Make a wish.</p>
<p>[Closeup of his face with her outstretched finger in front of him.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I don't want to.</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>Make a wish.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Okay. [closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self]
Didn't come true.</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>[smiles at him] Don't you just love lobster?</p>
<p>[Closeup of her man-hands tearing open a lobster.] </p>
<p>[Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking into Reggie's diner.]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>I know, he's so tiny! </p>
<p>[Two guys are sitting in a booth and KEVIN sees them, motioning
ELAINE to come along.]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my
friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call</p>
<p>&quot;Feldman!&quot;</p>
<p>[GENE is short and bald with glasses. Feldman is tall and a little
goofy-looking. ELAINE sits with them.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[to self in head] Bizarro world..</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[time: 10:33]</p>
<p>[Commercial Break] </p>
<p>[Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[delighted] Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye
could see!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Then it does exist.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Yes. The legends are true.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>So when are you goin' out with this girl again?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>I'm not! I'm inside the walls!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>So you're gonna burn that bridge.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Flame on!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN are at a booth when ELAINE
comes and sits with them.]</p>
<p>GENE</p>
<p>[about the check] I got it.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[grabs it] No. You got it last time.</p>
<p>GENE</p>
<p>[calmly takes it] Don't worry about it.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[to self in head] This is unbelievable..</p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically
tells you the weather when you wake up?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman!</p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>Nah, it's not--it's just not practical.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[getting up] Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta
get down 'o the library. [the three guys are leaving]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>What are you gonna do down there?</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Read!</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave] Hello?</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating breakfast. KRAMER's tired,
preoccupied with the paper, JERRY's in a blue robe</p>
<p>eating cereal and orange juice.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Uh-huh.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George "The Animal" Steele.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Yeah..</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>That's nice..</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We
hardly even talk! </p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Oh here we go--</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we
never do anything anymore!</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time
o' year?!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[pause] It's your third day..</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>[grabs briefcase to leave] I gotta go to work. We'll talk about
this later. [leaves]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Well.</p>
<p>[calling down the hall] Call if you're gonna be late!</p>
<p>[ELAINE's arrived.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>What? What is goin' on with you two?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- [sees address book
on counter] --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later.</p>
<p>[leaving]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever
see you anymore.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[stops, pause] Well, I.</p>
<p>[a little ashamed] I guess I been at Reggie's..</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>The Bizarro coffeeshop?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They
read..</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I read.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Books, Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[pause] Oh.</p>
<p>Big deal..</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking
apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating</p>
<p>minutia, of every, single, daily event..</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>{What's goin' on,} like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit,
an' the teller gives me this look, like--</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>I'll see you later man. I gotta go.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[frustrated, to self] The whole system is breakin' down! </p>
<p>[GEORGE in his bathroom, drying his hair, looking at Gillian's
picture. In the background, on a door, is a poster of a closeup
of</p>
<p>Dennis Franz in black and white. The phone rings and GEORGE puts
the picture and blow-drier together on the side of the</p>
<p>sink--the dryer's still running.]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Hello? </p>
<p>Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just
be better of bein' friends.</p>
<p>Yeah.</p>
<p>Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now.</p>
<p>Bye-bye. [hangs up]</p>
<p>[happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo] No! No!
</p>
<p>[At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.]</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>Friends. Just friends.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Yeah.</p>
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>Yeah.</p>
<p>All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I wish I could, but, we're friends..</p>
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p>GILLIAN</p>
<p>I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Good idea. [phone's ringing, goes to it]</p>
<p>[muttering] There's a beach towel on the rack..</p>
<p>[to phone] Yeah.</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[frantic] Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture!
An' I need another one or I can't get back into the</p>
<p>forbidden city!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[to drive him crazy] Who is this..</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin'
you!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[pause] If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an'
show me a good time?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Yes! Yes, all right--anything! </p>
<p>[JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's taking forever--she's
got quite a job there. He opens her purse and peeks</p>
<p>around in it. Close-up of his hand getting the picture.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Got it. [but now a man-hand grabs his arm] Uh!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting
up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.]</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Jerry. Hey Jerry?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I'm right here. [note: he has an athletic bandage on his right
hand]</p>
<p>You're late.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Like you care.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>The work piled up, I lost track of time--</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[calmly getting up with plate of chicken] Oh! Sure! Sure! You an'
your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only</p>
<p>calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this
plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, [drops chicken into</p>
<p>sink] was, for two.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>You cooked?</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[calm] I ordered in. It's still effort.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>[in pain] Ow! Jeez!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>What's wrong?</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>{Ow!} It's my stomach.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's
killing Us. </p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>[putting briefcase down] You know what? You're right. These reports,
they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out</p>
<p>tonight? Any place you want.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>The coffeeshop?</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>You got it, buddy.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[pleased] I'll call George!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER walking down the street.
Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming out of a</p>
<p>shop by a liquor store.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Hey. Isn't that Elaine?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>[quiet, desperate] Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands.</p>
<p>[calling] Elaine!</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>Elaine!</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Elaine!</p>
<p>ALL THREE</p>
<p>Elaine! Elaine!</p>
<p>[ELAINE finally notices them, but suddenly from the other direction,
three other guys are coming: GENE, KEVIN, and</p>
<p>FELDMAN.]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Hey! Elaine!</p>
<p>Hi-i! Over here!</p>
<p>[Eerie music as ELAINE looks one way, then the other. All the MEN
continue walking toward her. They all meet by her. To</p>
<p>the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN. To the right of
her are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY. It's like</p>
<p>a bizarre mirroring.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.</p>
<p>[The MEN murmur &quot;How ya doin'..&quot;, &quot;Good to meet
you..&quot;]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[quietly crept out] This is really weird..</p>
<p>[KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of Pepto Bismol.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN] Could you guys excuse
us, just for a moment.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Sure. [strolls away with his friends]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[pause] Thanks. [to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER] What.. what do you
guys want..</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of
the socket!</p>
<p>[While the three argue briefly, ELAINE looks over to see where
KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are friendly giving a beggar</p>
<p>money.]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>{Here ya are.}</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[pause, turns back to JERRY et al.] Guys. I gotta go.</p>
<p>Take it easy.</p>
<p>[GEORGE tentatively follows her a couple steps.]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Elaine?</p>
<p>[she turns, sighing]</p>
<p>Can I come?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George..</p>
<p>[KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely turn to ELAINE as she
joins them. They all go on companionably. JERRY,</p>
<p>GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.]</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Day, interior of Brand/Leland, KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's
a greying man.]</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?</p>
<p>LELAND</p>
<p>Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you
know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..</p>
<p>LELAND</p>
<p>No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports
you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at
all..</p>
<p>I don't know what this is supposed to be!</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead..</p>
<p>LELAND</p>
<p>Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.</p>
<p>KRAMER</p>
<p>I don't even really work here!</p>
<p>LELAND</p>
<p>That's what makes this so difficult.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Night, GEORGE at the forbidden city.]</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Hi. George.</p>
<p>MODEL #4</p>
<p>Are you sure you're supposed to be here?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fiance,
back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her</p>
<p>picture. [hands her a magazine page]</p>
<p>MODEL #4</p>
<p>What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Huh?</p>
<p>MODEL #5</p>
<p>That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did..</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>Ha! Heh.</p>
<p>[Muscled BOUNCER comes up.]</p>
<p>BOUNCER</p>
<p>Let's go. Private party. [escorts him out]</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Night, Kevin's apartment. The doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to
get it. GENE is reading on the couch. The apartment layout</p>
<p>and furniture is the reverse of Jerry's--what's to the left in
Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's. Also, Kevin's furnishings have
more</p>
<p>earth tones.]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Who is it?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[off-camera] It's Lainey!</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[unlocks, opens door]</p>
<p>Hi Elaine! [warmly hugs her]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Hi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Come on in!</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Okay. Hi Gene! [comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls
on the floor] Uh-ha! [smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair</p>
<p>that's to the right]</p>
<p>[As KEVIN gets back to reading, ELAINE looks around, noting how
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
everything is the reverse. There's a unicycle on the wall.</p>
<p>There's a bookcase near the couch. She goes to the kitchen. He
has whole foods, not cereal boxes.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>What's up?</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[friendly] Just reading..</p>
<p>[ELAINE decides to make herself at home, opens the refrigerator
and starts eating olives out of a jar, with her fingers. In the</p>
<p>living room area, KEVIN is looking at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro
Superman on a stereo speaker.]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Hey.. What're you doing?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Eatin' olives.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Have you ever heard of asking? [door bell rings]</p>
<p>Who is it?</p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>[off-screen] Feldman..</p>
<p>From across the hall.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door] Hold on. [unlocks
and opens door]</p>
<p>Hey.</p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>He-ey, Kevin!</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Hi.</p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>Look who I ran into.</p>
<p>[VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes into view in the hall.]</p>
<p>VARGUS</p>
<p>[testy] Hello, Kevin..</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[testy] Hello, Vargus..</p>
<p>[They both break into grins, chuckling--it was a joke.]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend?</p>
<p>VARGUS</p>
<p>Great! I'll see ya later! [leaves]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Okay. [to self, smiling] Vargus..</p>
<p>[to FELDMAN] {So?}</p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>I got 'em..</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets
to the Bolshoi!</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Oh! [comes to him]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[enthused] Fourth row, center.</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Get out! [pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!]</p>
<p>[GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN, who's hurt!]</p>
<p>GENE</p>
<p>[to ELAINE] What is the matter with you?</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? </p>
<p>GENE?</p>
<p>Haven't you done enough already?</p>
<p>[Embarrassed, she grabs her bag and tries to leave. But the locks
are set and the rape chain's in place. She tries to undo the</p>
<p>locks.]</p>
<p>ELAINE</p>
<p>[turning to them, awkward] It's locked.. </p>
<p>[The meat-packing plant. GEORGE and JERRY are walking around. The
walls are still black, but there's no furniture and there</p>
<p>are sides of beef hanging on hooks, sawdust on the floor. They
are the only people there. GEORGE is dismayed, and bumps</p>
<p>into a side of beef in his distraction.]</p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>So this is it, huh?</p>
<p>GEORGE</p>
<p>But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really
here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor.. </p>
<p>JERRY</p>
<p>[dry] I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw?</p>
<p>[really disappointed] Get out of here George.</p>
<p>[Shot of their feet in the sawdust as they walk out. There is the
magazine photo GEORGE had brought there the previous night.]</p>
<p>[time: 10:52]</p>
<p>[Commercial Break] </p>
<p>[Day, exterior of an apartment building. As credits run, the familiar
Seinfeld interlude music, but done via corny &quot;Brady</p>
<p>Bunch&quot;-esque sound effects.]</p>
<p>[Interior of Kevin's apartment. GENE and KEVIN are talking.]</p>
<p>GENE</p>
<p>At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that
has free long distance.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Oh, so what did you do?</p>
<p>GENE</p>
<p>I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Nice.</p>
<p>[doorbell rings]</p>
<p>Who is it?</p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>[off-screen] Feldman..</p>
<p>From across the hall.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[smiles, relieved] Hold on.</p>
<p>[GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN goes to unlock and open the door.
FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags of groceries.]</p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>Kevin! Brought some groceries.</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that! </p>
<p>FELDMAN</p>
<p>Hey, what are friends for?</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best
friends a guy could have.</p>
<p>[They have a long smarmy group hug.]</p>
<p>KEVIN</p>
<p>[eyes closed in hug] Oh.</p>
<p>Me so happy. Me want to cry.</p>
<p>&lt;Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike &quot;The News Guy&quot;&gt;
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
}
</script>
<p &nbsp;></p>
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
var bannerSize = 2300;
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&amp;b=119192\&amp;m=16934\&amp;afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&amp;urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
}
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&amp;b=119192\&amp;m=16934\&amp;afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&amp;urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
}
}
</script>
</div>
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
<!--
function noSpam(user,domain) {
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
window.location = locationstring;
}
-->
</script>
<div class="footer">
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
</div>
</div>
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
<script type='text/javascript'>
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
</script>
<script type='text/javascript'>
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
}
</script>
<script type="text/javascript">
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
(function() {
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
})();
</script></body>
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
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