928 lines
45 KiB
HTML
928 lines
45 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Butter Shave </h1>
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<p>[Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)]</p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>Written by: Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel</p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>Episode no. 157</p>
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<p>pc: 901, season 9, episode 1</p>
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<p>Broadcast date: 25 September 1997</p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>The Cast</p>
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<p>Regulars:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza</p>
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<p>Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes</p>
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<p>Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer</p>
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<p>Guest Stars:</p>
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<p>Wayne Knight..................... Newman</p>
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<p>Steve Hytner..................... Kenny Banya</p>
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<p>Patrick Warburton................ David Puddy</p>
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<p>Gordon Jump...................... Mr. Thomassoulo</p>
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<p>Kriston Davis.................... Jenna</p>
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<p>Everett Greenbaum................ McMaines</p>
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<p>Connie Sawyer.................... Old Woman</p>
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<p>Matthew Fonda.................... NBC Executive</p>
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<p>Chris Parnell.................... NBC Executive</p>
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<p>Frank Van Keeken................. Vegetable Lasagna</p>
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<p>Shannon Whirry................... Cute Girl</p>
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<p>Nancy Balbirer................... Woman</p>
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<p>Erica Y. Becoat.................. Stewardess</p>
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<p>Torsten Voges.................... Cab Driver</p>
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<p>George Georgiadis................ Cab Driver</p>
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<p>Brian Callaway................... Passenger</p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>No monologue</p>
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<p>Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their
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regular booth. </p>
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<p>A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper
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to reveal...</p>
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<p>a moustache.</p>
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<p>George: What is Holland?</p>
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<p>Jerry (also wearing a moustache): What do you mean, 'what is it?'
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It's a</p>
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<p>country right next to Belgium.</p>
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<p>George: No, that's the Netherlands.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Holland *is* the Netherlands.</p>
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<p>George: Then who are the Dutch?</p>
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<p>Jerry (picking at his moustache): You know I cannot stand this
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thing anymore.</p>
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<p>George: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn
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star.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.</p>
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<p>George: Well why didn't we?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation
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from</p>
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<p>ourselves. That's what you said.</p>
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<p>George: What if we grew muttonchops?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No.</p>
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<p>George: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a
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job.</p>
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<p>George(resigned): Dammit.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a cane.</p>
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<p>George: Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No more crutches, that must be a relief.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Not with a cane?</p>
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<p>George: Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's
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a sad story. </p>
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<p>You through with those?</p>
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<p>George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from
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the other end</p>
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<p>of the bar.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Always a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight.
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Some guy</p>
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<p>from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have
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another shot at</p>
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<p>a pilot.</p>
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<p>George: Alright, we're back in!</p>
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<p>Jerry: We? No.</p>
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<p>Club announcer (off camera): Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.</p>
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<p>Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar.</p>
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<p>Bania: Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, didja see me
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up there? I</p>
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<p>was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Killed?</p>
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<p>Bania: Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good looking
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ones,</p>
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<p>too! (walking away): Hey, what's your name?</p>
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<p>George: Killed.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like
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that fish</p>
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<p>that attaches himself to the shark.</p>
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<p>George: And you're the shark?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs.</p>
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<p>George: I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, I'm glad I brought it up.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven, George
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is on the</p>
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<p>phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Got any shredded coconut?</p>
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<p>Jerry (looking at Kramer's moustache): Uh, we're not doing that
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anymore.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out)</p>
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<p>George: Oh my god.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What?</p>
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<p>George: I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon.</p>
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<p>Jerry: So what's this job?</p>
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<p>George: Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Knicks? Rangers?</p>
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<p>George: Playground equipment.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Welcome back to the show.</p>
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<p>Kramer walks back in, clean shaven.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No.</p>
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<p>George (holding his cane): I gotta hobble. (walks out)</p>
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<p>Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip.</p>
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<p>Kramer: D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving cream. I'm getting no protection.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What kind do you use?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Whatever you get.</p>
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<p>Jerry (nods): Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Remember David Puddy?</p>
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<p>Kramer: She's dating him again, huh?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the
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top of the</p>
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<p>order.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home
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in a body</p>
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<p>bag.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to
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Elaine and Puddy</p>
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<p>in the back seat of a taxi.</p>
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<p>Puddy: Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a
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twenty kroner. </p>
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<p>No wait, that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? How much is
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that?</p>
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<p>Elaine: We have to break up.</p>
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<p>Puddy: What?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting
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the</p>
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<p>change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it
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is in New York</p>
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<p>again, you are going home in a body bag!</p>
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<p>Puddy: Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has
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that's not</p>
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<p>in The Gap on Broadway?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Okay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are
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through!</p>
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<p>Puddy: Fine!</p>
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<p>Elaine: Fine!</p>
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<p>Cab driver: Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together.</p>
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<p>Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time, with stopovers,
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will be</p>
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<p>approximately 22 hours.</p>
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<p>Elaine (to flight attendant): Hey, you gonna bust out that drink
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cart or what?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey, what are you doing?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched
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the floor of a</p>
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<p>men's room. That's the end of that.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the
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Internet he</p>
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<p>killed.</p>
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<p>Jerry: He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in.
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He's a time</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>slot hit.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a
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stick of</p>
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<p>Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous.
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(keeps</p>
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<p>rubbing) I'll see you later buddy.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.</p>
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<p>Kramer: What?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Do I have to ask?</p>
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<p>Kramer: I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything
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else, Mr. Nosy?</p>
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<p>Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and
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drags him back.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?</p>
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<p>Kramer: I'm shaving with it.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh Moses smell the roses.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream.
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Now feel</p>
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<p>my face.</p>
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<p>Jerry: No.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Feel it.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't want to.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Feel it. Feel it.</p>
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<p>Jerry (places two slices of bread against Kramer's face): That
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is close.</p>
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<p>Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's apartment.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods.</p>
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<p>George: I got the job?</p>
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<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna
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treat you any</p>
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<p>differently just because of your, uh, handicap.</p>
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|
<p>George: Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) I'm not handicapped.</p>
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|
<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, I didn't mean that.</p>
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<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: Of course you will have your own private, fully
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equipped</p>
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<p>bathroom.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: When do I start?</p>
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<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: Whenever you feel that you're able. (Rises to
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show George</p>
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<p>out) Um, you need a hand here.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, what the hell.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You got the job?</p>
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<p>George: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They
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treat me so</p>
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<p>great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible</p>
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<p>office, a great view.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hold on, they think you're handicapped?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the
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bathroom</p>
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<p>they gave me!</p>
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<p>Jerry: How can you do this?</p>
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<p>George: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm
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just now</p>
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<p>getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts
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me in a</p>
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|
<p>position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the
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Yankees-- no</p>
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<p>arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a
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wife, a family,</p>
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<p>drove a better car than I did.</p>
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<p>Jerry: He drove a car with no arms?</p>
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<p>George: Alright I made up the part about the car, but the rest
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is true. He</p>
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<p>hated me anyway!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I
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know you?</p>
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<p>George: I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet.
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I feel like a</p>
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<p>gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.</p>
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<p>Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter.</p>
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<p>Kramer: They hooked me up.</p>
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<p>George: What's with all the butter?</p>
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<p>Kramer: I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?</p>
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<p>Jerry: You can eat it?</p>
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<p>Kramer: No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my
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body.</p>
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<p>Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.</p>
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<p>George: Who?</p>
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<p>Jerry: The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.</p>
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<p>Bania and Jenna walk over.</p>
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<p>Bania: Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good lookin' huh?</p>
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<p>Jenna: Jerry's the guy that I dated right before you.</p>
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<p>Bania: Oh. This is awkward.</p>
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<p>Jenna: Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure.</p>
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<p>Bania and Jenna leave.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't believe this.</p>
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<p>George: You miss her, don't you?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything
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|
off me,</p>
|
|
<p>first laughs now ladies.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You miss her.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy and Elaine on the plane.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy (to flight attendant): You know I think ultimately, I'm upset
|
|
with</p>
|
|
<p>myself. I knew what I was getting into, she's a bitter, unstable
|
|
person. I</p>
|
|
<p>mean the sex was good. I'm sure it was fine for her. I need more.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine (to another passenger): Huh. You believing this?</p>
|
|
<p>Passenger (apologetic): Excuse me, I was sleeping.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You missed quite a performance.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine drinks from a can of juice.</p>
|
|
<p>Passenger (disbelieving): That's my apple juice.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods.
|
|
With "Morning Train"</p>
|
|
<p>by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs
|
|
on a rail, is</p>
|
|
<p>carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with his
|
|
cane and fakes</p>
|
|
<p>a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets
|
|
laughs from</p>
|
|
<p>everyone, including the man he tripped.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely
|
|
by Newman.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Someone's cooking.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Hello, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello, Newman.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf
|
|
between us and</p>
|
|
<p>I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is--</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry (cutting in): I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's
|
|
got something</p>
|
|
<p>on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter
|
|
- pause - Oh</p>
|
|
<p>no!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Butter?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each other.</p>
|
|
<p>Passenger (explaining the coins to Elaine): -Fimty kroner.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine (to passenger): You know my last boyfriend, he had a real
|
|
kroner</p>
|
|
<p>comprehension problem. No what I mean? A real cement head.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: David, you are so funny.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Yeah, I know.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine (grabbing Puddy): What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to get on with my life.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: By making time with some floozy across the aisle?</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going on over there with
|
|
you and, uh,</p>
|
|
<p>vegetable lasagna?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: This guy? He's an idiot. he doesn't mean anything to me.</p>
|
|
<p>Passenger (heretofore known as vegetable lasagna): I can here you.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Well, she doesn't mean anything to me either. If it were
|
|
up to me, we'd</p>
|
|
<p>still be together.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well maybe I feel the same way.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Ok.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Ok, so now what?</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Let's make out.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer
|
|
is decked</p>
|
|
<p>out shirtless and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Look at your skin.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'm fried.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Technically, you're sauted. So, what are you doing for
|
|
that?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Is that what the doctor said?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, I read an article in Bon Appetite magazine.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves, George enters, limping.</p>
|
|
<p>George (sniffing): Hmm. Game hen?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with
|
|
you?</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because
|
|
I sprained my</p>
|
|
<p>ankle.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave --</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh no, not you too?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know what's good for that? Relish.</p>
|
|
<p>Phone rings, Jerry answers.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!!
|
|
No!!! </p>
|
|
<p>Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
to the</p>
|
|
<p>network showcase and he's going on right after me.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet?
|
|
Shopping</p>
|
|
<p>carts with one bad wheel?</p>
|
|
<p>George: That's true, that always happens to me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You think that's funny?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about
|
|
too much.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!</p>
|
|
<p>George: maybe I am.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I'm gonna puke.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) puke! Don't
|
|
have to</p>
|
|
<p>think about that.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Puddy on the plane.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I can't believe we broke up like that.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Do you want something to read?</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Nah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, are you going to take a nap or --</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Nah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a
|
|
seat?</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing
|
|
has</p>
|
|
<p>changed. We're back together two hours, we're having the same problems
|
|
we had</p>
|
|
<p>12 hours ago.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Tell me about it, I don't know why I ever took you back.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, vegetable
|
|
lasagna</p>
|
|
<p>here knows it.</p>
|
|
<p>Vegetable Lasagna (apologetically): I don't want to get involved.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and
|
|
we just ram</p>
|
|
<p>right into it and end this whole thing!</p>
|
|
<p>Vegetable Lasagna: Oh god.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of
|
|
the passenger</p>
|
|
<p>seated behind her.</p>
|
|
<p>Passenger: Ow! Ow!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated
|
|
beside it,</p>
|
|
<p>reading "Alive"</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: The smell. It's still with you, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, it's baked on it. Put some butter in. Stir it up
|
|
so it melts.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips
|
|
and working</p>
|
|
<p>himself up.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Ahh, now I'm simmering.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman drops the stick and runs out.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: I'll meet you at the coffee shop.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: Good morning, George. Is something wrong with
|
|
your other leg?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, no, that's just the old handicap acting up.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: But your cane's on the wrong side.</p>
|
|
<p>George: That's just because we're standing on opposite sides. See,
|
|
when we</p>
|
|
<p>met, I was over there and you were over here so the image was reversed,
|
|
like in</p>
|
|
<p>the mirror.</p>
|
|
<p>They walk over to a mirrored wall.</p>
|
|
<p>George: See? This looks right to you, doesn't it?</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: Uh, yeah, I guess.</p>
|
|
<p>George (passes cane from right to left and back a few times): But,
|
|
see here. </p>
|
|
<p>Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: Will you stop it, George? Just stop it! I think
|
|
I can see</p>
|
|
<p>what's going on here.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall.
|
|
Jerry opens</p>
|
|
<p>the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You mugged Stephen Hawking?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal
|
|
Rascal,</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry. On the house.</p>
|
|
<p>George rides around the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight
|
|
to hell at</p>
|
|
<p>no more than three miles an hour.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's phone rings, he answers it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. Huge!</p>
|
|
<p>Vegetable Lasagna: Please don't shout. I can't take it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Who's that?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's Vegetable Lasagna.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Who?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Vegetable Lasagna!</p>
|
|
<p>Vegetable Lasagna: My name is Magnus.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Get me some duty free Kahlua.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hangs up.</p>
|
|
<p>George: How's the trip?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Sounded good.</p>
|
|
<p>George. Well. Gotta motor.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by
|
|
the big showcase</p>
|
|
<p>tonight.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little
|
|
off.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What are you talking about? You're not!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's right, I'm taking a dive.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You're throwing the set?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm laying down! Then let's see how he does up there, without
|
|
all the</p>
|
|
<p>assistance.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Listen Jerry. Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation.
|
|
My</p>
|
|
<p>generation.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: We're four months apart.</p>
|
|
<p>George: nevertheless. His time has come.</p>
|
|
<p>George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under
|
|
Jerry's coffee</p>
|
|
<p>table.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel,
|
|
I'll be on my</p>
|
|
<p>way.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer's head on the turkey.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer/turkey (waving wing): Hey buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman screams and runs out of Monks.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw
|
|
your set?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without
|
|
the cushy</p>
|
|
<p>timeslot.</p>
|
|
<p>Club Announcer (OC): Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow colored suspenders.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: If you'll excuse me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the stage.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp,
|
|
why do you want</p>
|
|
<p>shade?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And what's with people getting sick?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Hee hee! Yeah yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I mean, what's the deal with cancer?</p>
|
|
<p>Man in audience: I have cancer!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, tough crowd.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he
|
|
accidentally</p>
|
|
<p>bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking
|
|
out of a nearby</p>
|
|
<p>store.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Hey, hey! You dented my ride.</p>
|
|
<p>George walks back to inspect the damage.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Whatcha got there, the 4 volt? Heh, I did you a favor.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: How about I do you a favor upside your head?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Oh yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George leaps back on his scooter and floors it.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Get the bikes.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos. he's
|
|
soaked with</p>
|
|
<p>sweat. Kramer and Bania are there.</p>
|
|
<p>Bania: Ouch.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You didn't do so bad.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you talking about? I bombed!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? It was edgy,
|
|
it was not</p>
|
|
<p>my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really
|
|
liked it.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Jerry: Like who?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Like that guy who yelled out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He had cancer!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: And laughter is the best medicine.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you.</p>
|
|
<p>Club Announcer (OC): Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!</p>
|
|
<p>Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big
|
|
turkey out</p>
|
|
<p>there.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman (salivating): Turkey?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: A big fat turkey.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: I'm sorry I missed that.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: He worked so hard and then he just--</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it all
|
|
over himself.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What is this, oregano?</p>
|
|
<p>Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts through
|
|
carrying a</p>
|
|
<p>bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over
|
|
Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and
|
|
it's sticking</p>
|
|
<p>to me because of the butter! Look at me!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch
|
|
of green leaves</p>
|
|
<p>and hands them to Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Here. Hold this.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What is this, parsley?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman makes as if to attack Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry watching Bania from the wing.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ah, the sweet stench of failure.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto
|
|
the stage.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Get off of me, get off of me!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase.
|
|
Action movie</p>
|
|
<p>music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters.
|
|
George's battery</p>
|
|
<p>dies and his scooter stops.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Now I got you!</p>
|
|
<p>George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling
|
|
it as fast as</p>
|
|
<p>he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's exiting a building
|
|
at that</p>
|
|
<p>moment.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: George? Your legs!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Are you a religious man, sir?</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Thomassoulo: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about
|
|
to lay into</p>
|
|
<p>him with a cane.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Eat hickory!!</p>
|
|
<p>The man swings the cane at George's head, mercifully the scene
|
|
changes to Jerry,</p>
|
|
<p>sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne.
|
|
Bania</p>
|
|
<p>walks in.</p>
|
|
<p>Bania: Hey Jerry, didja see it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ouch.</p>
|
|
<p>Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves.</p>
|
|
<p>Stu: Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC.
|
|
Listen,</p>
|
|
<p>Kenny. Really funny out there.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Jay: That thing you did having the two guys running through? I
|
|
love stuff you</p>
|
|
<p>don't have to think too much about</p>
|
|
<p>Stu: Give us a call. We want to be in the Kenny Bania business.</p>
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<p>Jay: By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A little hacky.</p>
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<p>Bania: How about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now
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I'll have</p>
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<p>one. Looks like I'm following you again.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, I'm gonna puke.</p>
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<p>Bania: Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use that?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Exterior of NYC airport.</p>
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<p>Elaine: David, this has been the worst month of my life and if
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I never see you</p>
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<p>again it'll be too soon.</p>
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<p>Puddy: Ditto.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh that's origi-</p>
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<p>Puddy: Shut up.</p>
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<p>Elaine gets into a taxi cab.</p>
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<p>Elaine: 86th and Broadway please.</p>
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<p>Cab driver: I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. The Transit
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Police are</p>
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<p>making everybody share.</p>
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<p>Puddy enters the cab on the left.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh no.</p>
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<p>Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right.</p>
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<p>Vegetable Lasagna: Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Noooooooooooo!</p>
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<p>Cab rides away.</p>
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<p>End.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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}
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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}
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-->
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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