1389 lines
56 KiB
HTML
1389 lines
56 KiB
HTML
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<h1>Cigar Store Indian</h1>
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Transcribed by
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"Mazzy", <br>
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<br>
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Episode Number: 074<br>
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Original Air Date: December 09, 1993<br>
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<br>
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Written by: Tom Gammill & Max Pross<br>
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Directed by: Tom Cherones<br>
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<br>
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Guest Cast:<br>
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Kimberly Norris (Winona)<br>
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Sam Lloyd (Ricky)<br>
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Carissa Channing (Sylvia)<br>
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Ralph Manza (Gepetto)<br>
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Al Roker (Himself)<br>
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Veralyn Jones (Renee)<br>
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Lisa Pescia (Joanne)<br>
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Benjamin Lum (Mailman)<br>
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Irvin Mosley Jr. (Spike)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Night Club]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry's standup piece.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: You can always tell what was the best year of your father's
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life, because<br>
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they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out
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to the end,<br>
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don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's
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just they<br>
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somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this
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fashion time<br>
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capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal,
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with<br>
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someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To me
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the worst thing<br>
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is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little
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room. What<br>
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men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants
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at the door,<br>
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and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would
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be the best<br>
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way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?'
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'No, just<br>
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getting some air.'<br>
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<br>
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[George's parents' house]<br>
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<br>
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Elaine and Jerry in the living room.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: How would you describe the smell in this house?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: (sniffing) Dandruff?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: There's some kasha.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot
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pourri,<br>
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really.<br>
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<br>
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George enters from the kitchen (?).<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Alright, let's go, come on.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Wha... you're going?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled that last game,
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I'm gonna be<br>
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late.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured
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objects in his<br>
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hand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Egh. These aren't candies.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Kramer. did you use those? These are guest soaps! (he grabs
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the soaps<br>
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and begins examining them for damage)<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Well I'm a guest.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: You're not allowed to have people over?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I can't have any parties while they're out of town. (he
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leaves to return<br>
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the soaps)<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: What, this is a party?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Not any more. Come on, get your ball, we're leaving. Let's
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go, let's go.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and notices
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Jerry's<br>
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mug on the coffee table.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: (picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee
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table.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he
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runs to<br>
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kitchen)<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh?<br>
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<br>
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George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: (impatient) Come on!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: What's the big rush?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I'm having people over.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Who?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: (interested) Really?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I'll put in a good word for you.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts
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coffee cup back<br>
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on the table)<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (screaming) Aaahh!!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again)<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: But Jerry, this is not coming out!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Just put a coffee table book over it.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book
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is doing on the<br>
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table!<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee
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table book?<br>
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|
A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to
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get this thing<br>
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refinished.<br>
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|
<br>
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ELAINE: Now?!<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are
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gonna be back. I<br>
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|
gotta have it back before them!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Alright, we'll take the subway.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: There you go. That'll get you home in time.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh! The subway? From Queens?<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: I need something to read on the subway.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (handing her a magazine) Here, read this.<br>
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|
<br>
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ELAINE: (looks at it) TV Guide?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
[Subway train]<br>
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|
<br>
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Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer
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|
is expanding<br>
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|
on his book concept.<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: I got history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee
|
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tables.<br>
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It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: (engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm.<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: (still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. First thing in the
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|
morning.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: (claps hands) Yes indeed.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is
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|
famous for its<br>
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|
gyros, you want one?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: How are you gonna get something and get back on the train
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|
in time?<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros
|
|
are cooked, and<br>
|
|
wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three
|
|
dollars, no<br>
|
|
change. You want one?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: (laughing) No thanks.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Alright, but no bites.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple
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|
of other guys<br>
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|
waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry.
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|
Elaine continues<br>
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|
to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses, anorak
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|
inside and<br>
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|
out) proffers a pen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: Highlighter?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Excuse me?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
RICKY: To highlight the programmes you plan to watch.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to try and avoid contact)
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|
I'm just<br>
|
|
trying to read.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen a beautiful lady reading
|
|
'the<br>
|
|
Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do,
|
|
Kramer tries to<br>
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|
enter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving
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|
him holding<br>
|
|
his gyro into the carriage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (yells) Elaine!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's
|
|
hand and sits<br>
|
|
down to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch the next train.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Furniture refinishers]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Gepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a
|
|
gift in front<br>
|
|
of Winona, how does that hurt me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Can't hurt you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What about, what about this thing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: The Indian?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEPETTO: Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Alright, but no later, because my parents are coming back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEPETTO: They left you home alone, huh?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
[Subway train]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over the
|
|
TV Guide.<br>
|
|
Elaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday (he swaps seats
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|
and sits beside<br>
|
|
Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy,
|
|
The Lucy<br>
|
|
Show, Here's Lucy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making her escape) Bye-bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: (after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV Guide) You forgot this!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and sees
|
|
the address<br>
|
|
label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING
|
|
NY 11353<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Furniture refinishers]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEPETTO: They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done
|
|
by hand.<br>
|
|
(Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, and...
|
|
(notices)<br>
|
|
Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is that your car out there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighbourhood.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighbourhood's
|
|
changing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, I'll take it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEPETTO: Smart choice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty
|
|
and, uh, we<br>
|
|
must have them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Elaine's apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
THE GIRLS: Oh/Aah. (and similar comments)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There's a knock at the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Who is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (O.C.): It's Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside
|
|
a large<br>
|
|
object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Jerry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Surprise! (he carries in the object)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What is this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
THE GIRLS: Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GIRL (NOT WINONA): Elaine, is it your birthday?<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love
|
|
to make<br>
|
|
people happy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
THE GIRLS: Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur of approval)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Are you ready?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There is a deathly hush.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) Read the card.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (examines card) (embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you
|
|
very much.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Read it out loud.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I, I don't think so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon.<br>
|
|
(reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: (gathering her stuff) Hey, you know, it's late. I really
|
|
should go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical
|
|
movie<br>
|
|
Indian chant.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Winona leaves, looking offended.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Are you out of your mind?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Winona is a Native American.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: She is?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's parents' house]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony
|
|
singing can be<br>
|
|
heard in the background.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: You got very unusual taste.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (proffering glasses) I hope prune juice is alright. It's
|
|
the only thing<br>
|
|
I had that was chilled.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: Fine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination
|
|
musta<br>
|
|
just flown outta my head. It's a mental block.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (bashful) No, that's me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures
|
|
of<br>
|
|
themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest
|
|
of the house.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain
|
|
a consistent<br>
|
|
feel throughout the house.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: What is this we're listening to?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master
|
|
bedroom? (they<br>
|
|
leave together)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA (O.C.): Who is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: (unimpressed) Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I,
|
|
I, I'd really<br>
|
|
like to apologise. Can I come up?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: I'll come down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Elaine's apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I came by to get my ball.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: It's right over there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, it's got the magic grip.
|
|
How d'you<br>
|
|
think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! Where
|
|
did this come<br>
|
|
from?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You want it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (unbelieving) I can have this?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh. I'll lug.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street outside Winona's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with
|
|
me at all,<br>
|
|
you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't
|
|
be hungry by<br>
|
|
any chance, wouldya?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan
|
|
restaurant in<br>
|
|
this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots
|
|
a mailman<br>
|
|
crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the
|
|
Chinese<br>
|
|
restaurant is around here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes offence.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAILMAN: Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know
|
|
where all the<br>
|
|
Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask
|
|
honolable<br>
|
|
Chinaman for rocation of lestaulant.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the
|
|
neighbourhood.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAILMAN: Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog
|
|
stand? (storms<br>
|
|
away)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I didn't know that...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: You know, it's late. I should probably just go home.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I, I had no idea.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the top
|
|
of the Indian.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door with his palm) Look
|
|
what I got!<br>
|
|
(begins doing war-whoops)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find nothing
|
|
to say.<br>
|
|
Winona storms back into her building.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's parent's house]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Jerry are returning the table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Looks pretty good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, did a good job.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They put the various ornaments back on the table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person
|
|
where the<br>
|
|
Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too
|
|
sensitive? I<br>
|
|
mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact
|
|
I'm gonna see<br>
|
|
her tonight.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, great.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making
|
|
another<br>
|
|
mistake.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Aw c'mon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The front door opens and George's parents enter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Hello, hello!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Oh, the house looks very nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Where's the mail?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Hello Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So, how was the trip?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Ah, your father...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll
|
|
booth?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for the bedroom)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (examining mail) This stack should be bigger, where's the
|
|
TV Guide?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What TV Guide?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Elaine took it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I didn't know she took it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Wa, it's two weeks old.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (shouting) How could you let her take the TV Guide?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (to Jerry) He collects them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You collect TV Guide?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing
|
|
my collectible!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding a small packet)
|
|
This was in<br>
|
|
our bed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly to George)
|
|
A prophylactic<br>
|
|
wrapper?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: What is this doing on my bed?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I don't know, uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: You were having sex on our bed?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yes!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Who told you you could have sex in our bed?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (pleading) Well, my bed is too small.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our
|
|
house into,<br>
|
|
into Bourbon Street!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Where am I going to sleep?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What're you talking about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: I can't sleep in there!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Of course you can.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: I can't! (screams) I can't!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: That's it! You're grounded!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house.
|
|
(yells) You're<br>
|
|
grounded!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Winona's apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: So, where are we gonna go eat?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can
|
|
we get a table?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: You made what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodation.
|
|
And then, Knick<br>
|
|
tickets, floor seats.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: How did you get these?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again)
|
|
A uh, one<br>
|
|
of those guys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: What guys?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the
|
|
sold-out<br>
|
|
events.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: That's Al Roker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise
|
|
and Paul<br>
|
|
Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: Sure, take it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Thanks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry enters with the TV Guide.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: He collects (holds up magazine) these?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and
|
|
deliver his Al<br>
|
|
Roker TV Guide to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What'ya do with the one you took?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I dunno.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Ricky's apartment (?)]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy
|
|
teenager. He's<br>
|
|
cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming
|
|
the theme to<br>
|
|
I Love Lucy to himself as he does so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's apartment]<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What did who say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Uhmm...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, you didn't tell him didya?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her
|
|
voice as Kramer<br>
|
|
speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I would be embarrassed to bring it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
JERRY: I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables,
|
|
it's on a<br>
|
|
coffee table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster.
|
|
(clicks<br>
|
|
tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Where you going?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if
|
|
I can sell that<br>
|
|
Indian.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: My Indian?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You know, I think it's worth something. It's kitschy. (tongue
|
|
click)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's parents' house]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered by
|
|
the TV Guide<br>
|
|
incident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How
|
|
does she<br>
|
|
expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to turn
|
|
it on and<br>
|
|
wander aimlessly around the dial?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Estelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside, holding
|
|
what<br>
|
|
looks like a bouquet of flowers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: Hello. Is Elaine home?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (shouting) And she's not welcome in this house!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: (entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this very special gift. 'Kay,
|
|
it's a<br>
|
|
bouquet of paper from her TV Guide.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped to shreds! She gave
|
|
that to you?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: (seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight Zone you're watching?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: Oh, this is a good one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Subway train]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine riding the subway to Queens.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A thought occurs to Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (V.O.): Mmm, gyro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
She jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next to
|
|
her at the<br>
|
|
exit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes
|
|
out first.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona
|
|
looks around.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: I like your place. It's very unassuming.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: (laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide I gave you, I need
|
|
it back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and
|
|
I wanted to use<br>
|
|
that interview with Al Roker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already
|
|
on her way to<br>
|
|
give it to George's father.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what
|
|
are you...<br>
|
|
(catches himself)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: A uh, a person that uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: A person that what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied
|
|
and<br>
|
|
they wish they had, had never uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: And?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: ...give, given it to the person that they originally gave
|
|
it to.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WINONA: You mean like, an Indian giver?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Subway train]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices from
|
|
her sandwich<br>
|
|
are dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's parents' house]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection. The
|
|
coffee table<br>
|
|
is covered in boxes of the magazine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: I like the special fall preview issues the best.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Those. I've been saving those from the beginning.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The doorbell rings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: These are worth like, a lot of money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Estelle opens the door, to find Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Oh, hello Elaine!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hello. (she enters)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: (jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine looks nervous and surprised.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Why'd you take my TV Guide?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (placatory) I'm so sorry about that Mr Costanza, but look.
|
|
Look, I<br>
|
|
brought you another one. (hands it over)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: I made this for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (examining magazine) What is this? You got stains all over
|
|
it! What the<br>
|
|
hell'd you do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: Hey, you can't talk to her like that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (yelling) I'll talk to her any way I want!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RICKY: Come on Elaine, let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table with
|
|
his leg. It<br>
|
|
tips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls over
|
|
with a crash.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: My coffee table!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Gus' Smoke Shop]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying to
|
|
do a job of<br>
|
|
salesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed.
|
|
In the<br>
|
|
background, Mr Lippman is browsing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without
|
|
an Indian?<br>
|
|
It's unseemly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SPIKE: I'll give you a box of Coronas for it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Forget it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this Indian?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office in a south-western
|
|
motif and<br>
|
|
this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Giddyup.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: Yeah? Could you help me bring it up to my office, I'm right
|
|
next door.<br>
|
|
Pendant Publishing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Lippman's office]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar. Elaine
|
|
enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens uh... (sees Kramer)
|
|
Kramer!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, hi Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What are you doing in here with that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Ah, well, it's a business transaction.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: (entering, smoking a cigar and with a handful of cash)
|
|
Listen uh, petty<br>
|
|
cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead,
|
|
count it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts in in his pocket) You
|
|
know I was<br>
|
|
just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: You like that, huh? I had that custom made for me in Santa
|
|
Fe.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You mind if I use it in my book?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: What book?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I'm doing a coffee table book on coffee tables.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: About coffee tables?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is pulling skeptical faces.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Uh huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked) Who's your
|
|
publisher?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I'm still shopping it around.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the kind of idea you
|
|
should be<br>
|
|
coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that I...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LIPPMAN: (ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really completes the
|
|
room. Don't you<br>
|
|
think?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine looks sick.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Furniture refinishers]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Estelle is showing the table to Sylvia.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: I know this coffee table, it's George Costanza's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: It's mine. I'm his mother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working
|
|
very hard.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at
|
|
home with us.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SYLVIA: He does?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Subway train]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks unhappy.
|
|
Jerry<br>
|
|
has a copy of the TV Guide.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just
|
|
could call TV<br>
|
|
Guide.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I dunno.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the
|
|
magazine to<br>
|
|
Elaine)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I guess.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What's the matter?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work
|
|
on Kramer's<br>
|
|
coffee table book.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It is a good idea, Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You want a gyro?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I don't think so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past
|
|
other commuters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Subway train: moments later]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage
|
|
just as the<br>
|
|
doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Elaine!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's
|
|
hand, just as<br>
|
|
Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing
|
|
to eat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
AL ROKER: Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
AL ROKER: He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide
|
|
and finds the<br>
|
|
guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker.
|
|
She looks up<br>
|
|
at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the picture
|
|
on the<br>
|
|
cover.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Nightclub]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
More Jerry standup.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would
|
|
come. Somehow<br>
|
|
when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh
|
|
TV shows<br>
|
|
in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All
|
|
the shows<br>
|
|
stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat
|
|
on, thrown<br>
|
|
across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another
|
|
person.<br>
|
|
It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?'
|
|
(mimes<br>
|
|
throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they
|
|
have a phone<br>
|
|
number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers
|
|
to the TV<br>
|
|
Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide
|
|
crossword<br>
|
|
puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[END]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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