1148 lines
44 KiB
HTML
1148 lines
44 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Couch</h1>
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<p align="center"><br>
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Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 27, 2002.<br>
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
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<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small></p>
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<p>SEINFELD Episode no. 91 "The Couch" (Original air date 27 Oct
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1994)<br>
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<br>
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Directed by Andy Ackerman. Written by Larry David.<br>
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<br>
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Guest stars: Reni Santoni (Poppie)<br>
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David James Elliott (Carl)<br>
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Robert Hooks (Joe)<br>
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Denise Dowse (Joe's wife)<br>
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Diana Theodore (Remy)<br>
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Patton Oswald (Video store clerk)<br>
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Jessica Hecht (Marie)<br>
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Mari Weiss (Woman no. 1)<br>
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Tamar Cooper (Woman no. 2)<br>
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Beverly C. Brown (Woman no. 3)<br>
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Jeris Lee Poindexter (Moving guy)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry's stand-up: The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I
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guess some guy <br>
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thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just
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shorten the <br>
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furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is
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very flattering to <br>
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the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious
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deadbeat <br>
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with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I
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mean, it goes back <br>
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so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over!
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You're wiped!'<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening scene - Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping
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for a new couch.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: So, she got you to join a book club?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence.
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<Sits on a couch.> Hey, what about this one?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Nah, I don't like that one.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: So, what's your first book?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: "Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. <Waves a hand
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like it's nothing.><br>
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<br>
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JERRY: It's kinda old, isn't it?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: They wanted to read a Truman Capote book.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY (standing): Oh, sure...Truman Capote.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: He's a great writer.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh, yeah.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Did you ever read anything by him?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: No. You?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Nah.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY (sees a white couch by the wall): Oh, what about this one? Look
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at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. <Sits on the couch.>
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Oh, yeah!<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are
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delivering Jerry's new couch.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Hey, what's going on?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: New couch, baby!<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: New couch? Why?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It
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doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over. <br>
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<br>
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<Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and they
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pick up Jerry's old couch.><br>
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<br>
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ELAINE (to Carl, flirtatiously): Hello.<br>
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<br>
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CARL: Hello.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Oh, let me get the door for you. <They carry the couch out
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the door.> Ooh, be careful!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of
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a kind, they stopped making it.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: What are you doing with your old couch?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yeah, I'll take it.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yes, they can. <Kramer enters.><br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Hey! Couch is comin.'<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: It's here!<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way,
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I feel like I'm getting a new couch.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY (nonplussed): Yeah. So do I.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Ooh! Remember Poppie?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember
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that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your
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own pizza?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: What was that again?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the
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dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into
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|
the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds
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|
good, huh?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE (in a southern accent): Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and
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make mah own pie!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: What made you resurrect that old idea?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the
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"old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know,
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he wants to back it.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine
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just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got
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a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You
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know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Oh, Kramer, I -<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being brought
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|
in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. They place the
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|
couch in the same spot as the old one.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.<br>
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<br>
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CARL (hands Jerry an invoice): Sign here.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE (to Carl): Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if
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|
you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
CARL: Sure.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: 'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me?<br>
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|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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|
<br>
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|
CARL: Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you
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|
chumps later. <Elaine and Carl exit.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Did you offer those guys a drink?<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Uh, no. Should I have?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: What kind of a person are you?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I don't know.<br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
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New scene - George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's."<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." <Begins to read,
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|
but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table.
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|
George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch,
|
|
and doesn't start the book.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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New scene - Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he
|
|
says, "Do you date moving men?"<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Ah ha...<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: You wanna know what I said?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I can't wait.<br>
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<br>
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|
ELAINE: "I do now." <br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Clever.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Is that something? <br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Yes.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Is that something?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before,
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I didn't offer them anything to drink. <br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Yes.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Well, would you apologize for me? <Elaine nods. Poppie comes
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|
out of the kitchen.><br>
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|
<br>
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POPPIE: Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! <Puts his hand out.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY (clearly creeped out by having to shake Poppie's hand): Hello, Poppie.
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|
This is Elaine.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Nice to meet you, Poppie.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
POPPIE: Let me show you to your table. <Leads Jerry and Elaine to the
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|
table.> Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
POPPIE: Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course,
|
|
I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, your mother must be very proud of you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle
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|
of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp,
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|
where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she
|
|
was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some
|
|
bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So, what's good tonight?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes, and he turns
|
|
off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading - not "Breakfast
|
|
At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked magazine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food
|
|
ordered in advance before.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's.
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Why not?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical,
|
|
anti-abortion groups.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: So, you won't eat the pizza?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: No way.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Really.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Yeah.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Really! <br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Yeah. That's right.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have
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|
a word? <Poppie comes over.><br>
|
|
<br>
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|
POPPIE: Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than
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|
even I had hoped.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion
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|
issue?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, boy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: ...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue
|
|
there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (offended): Well...Poppie. I think differently.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: And what gives you the right to do that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (standing up): The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that!
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|
Let's go Jerry, c'mon.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE (to her date): I heard that. Let's go, Henry.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
HENRY: But we just got here...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WOMAN AT ANOTHER TABLE: I'm with you, Poppie!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WOMAN AT YET ANOTHER TABLE (to her date): Let's go!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (to Poppie): And I am not coming back!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: You're not welcome!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. <Gets up and leaves.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I'm sorry I missed it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty
|
|
much all my fault. <Jerry smiles. George laughs.> So, how's the
|
|
book coming? <George's laughs taper off...> I say, how's the book
|
|
comin'?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh...pretty good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So, what's it about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Holly Go-Lightly. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, she's quite a character.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Big surprise.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very
|
|
hard to concentrate. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You're not very bright, are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna
|
|
do? The book club meets in a few days.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why don't you rent the movie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: 'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright,
|
|
now I'm relieved. <Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (scanning a menu): So...how was the dinner last night?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh...well...<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Did you enjoy the duck? <Elaine comes back from the bathroom.>
|
|
Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (sitting down): Oh...well...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Alright, what did you do to Poppie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Nothing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What's wrong with him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. <angrily>
|
|
It would be nice if you got him something. <Punches the the table to
|
|
accentuate this, and leaves.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: We should get him something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah. You're right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo
|
|
for a year? And I shampoo every day. <Carl smiles.> So, what do
|
|
you think of my conversation?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Not much! <They both laugh.> I, uh, would have invited you
|
|
up, but I don't have any furniture.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You don't have any furniture?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. <They laugh again.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Yeah! No heavy lifting. <Elaine and Carl look into each others
|
|
eyes, then kiss.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a
|
|
bench outside.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to
|
|
you, and they wanted you to have this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE (opening the gift basket): What's this? A bottle of wine and a
|
|
five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Why, what...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would
|
|
have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is
|
|
a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, we're not very close.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Oh, very good ducks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I'm in looove! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Whoa!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person!
|
|
He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You
|
|
know? There are no games! <Sits down on the couch.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you
|
|
know if you're winning or losing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (putting on lipstick): Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games
|
|
and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (looks at Jerry and smears lipstick across her face): What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What is his stand...on abortion?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: How do you know?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming
|
|
over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George at a video store counter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK (checking the computer): Uh, this is out. Someone has it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones
|
|
that have had it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: Oh, sorry. We can't do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: I don't think so. It doesn't work that way. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended.
|
|
George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good look at
|
|
the information on his computer monitor.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast
|
|
At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
VOICE ON INTERCOM: Yes?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
INTERCOM: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did
|
|
you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, what's happenin.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night.
|
|
I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. <Poppie
|
|
enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Okay. Hi, Poppie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my
|
|
way.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Okay. I'll get it. <Goes into the bedroom.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. <Poppie
|
|
moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.>
|
|
What, are you tired, Poppie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother - <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (comes out of the bedroom with Poppie's money): Here you go. <Poppie
|
|
stands up and takes the money.> Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...<notices
|
|
a large, wet stain on his couch>...the...the...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: The what? <Looks at Kramer, and exits.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: ...the...the...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (to Poppie): So long. I'll see you tonight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (frantic): Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What is what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: This puddle on my sofa! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What puddle?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (points): That puddle! <Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (looking at the puddle with Kramer): Is it...? Could it...? Could
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
he have...? IT IS! <Grabs Kramer.> Poppie peed on my sofa!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Are you sure?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I'm sure it'll come out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Ah, you're making too much of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (sarcastic): Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens
|
|
to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Right!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George at Joe Temple's door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: Well, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey
|
|
Hepburn very much.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: She was a delicate flower. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: Why didn't you just read the book?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry...
|
|
<Joe's daughter comes to the door.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: Remy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's
|
|
with us? <George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi. <They kiss.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: I missed you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, I missed you!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: I don't remember the last time I felt this way.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Me, either! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: I think about you all the time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Do you think about me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've
|
|
been thinking about this friend of mine. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: What friend?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother,
|
|
and decided to have an abortion. <Waits in suspense for what Carl's
|
|
response will be.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: You know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme
|
|
Court to change that law.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Elaine breaks down in tears.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At
|
|
Tiffany's with Joe and Remy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So, anything to uh, nosh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: What did you want?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Popcorn?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: Popcorn? Where do you think you are?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: Well, we don't.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's
|
|
all.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE (passes George a bowl): Here's some nuts.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts
|
|
named after people. Hazel...and filbert.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY (to Joe): Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? <Joe presses play
|
|
on the remote.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: The lights are fine. <George shrugs, and the movie begins.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making
|
|
the first 'test pizza.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (in a chef's hat and apron): See, anybody can do this. <Tosses
|
|
pizza dough into the air.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. <Kramer tosses the dough
|
|
way up there.> Not too high!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (puts the dough on the counter): Alright, put a little sauce on
|
|
here... <speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while
|
|
spreading the sauce around.> Some cheese...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Not too much!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: And...cucumbers! <Grabs a large handful and puts them on the
|
|
pizza.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Wait a second...what is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It's cucumbers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping
|
|
they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Because it's a pizza!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No, it isn't!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Yes, it is!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE'S WIFE: I'm home.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: Hey, honey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: Hi, Mom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE'S WIFE: Hi, baby. <To George.> Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: Yeah. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE'S WIFE: Well, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very
|
|
good for Duncan. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: Aw, that's too bad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE'S WIFE: Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time - <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (clears his throat, annoyed that the movie's being interrupted):
|
|
Joe...could you...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE'S WIFE: Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but
|
|
we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE'S WIFE: Who are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: This is George Costanza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (irritated): This is very hard to follow with all the talking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: I'll pause it, okay? <Pauses the tape with the remote.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Any more grape juice? <Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy
|
|
moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE'S WIFE: Who is this guy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: He's in some book club.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE'S WIFE: And what's he doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: Cheating on his test. <George returns from the kitchen with a
|
|
glass of grape juice.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? <Joe's
|
|
wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to
|
|
Remy to move.> Okay, c'mon. Let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
REMY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: C'mon, you took my seat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: It's not your seat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I was sitting there, c'mon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: You didn't save it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I had the arm! Joe...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE: What's the difference?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: It's my couch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Alright, c'mon, scooch over. <Tries to squeeze into the corner
|
|
seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape
|
|
juice all over the couch in the process.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
REMY: Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch,
|
|
you've ruined our couch! <Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands
|
|
on his hips.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Joe...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking
|
|
at the "Poppie-stain" on Jerry's sofa.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh my god.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You see?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So, you're gonna get a new couch?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I guess I have no choice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Do you want your old couch back?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I was hoping you'd offer. <The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers
|
|
it.> Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
INTERCOM: It's the movers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: 'Kay. <Buzzes them in.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Who's that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, no, he's not my boyfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Take a guess.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, really. <Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up
|
|
the couch.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch
|
|
back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Today?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Could you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Sure.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (to Jerry): What are you doing with this couch?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: George is taking it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Did you tell him it was peed on?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, me too. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: It's just too bad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah. It is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Can I offer you anything to drink?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL (off-camera): Yeah, sure.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (looking in the fridge): All I've got is grape juice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: Throw it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and we hear
|
|
the sound of breaking glass.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CARL: The couch!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at
|
|
Monk's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MARIE (describing Holly Go-Lightly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's"):
|
|
She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got
|
|
rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George
|
|
Peppard. I mean, Fred.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MARIE: George...Fred's gay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<George ponders this quizzically.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
End of episode.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 27, 2002.<br>
|
|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
|
|
|
|
|
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|
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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