727 lines
36 KiB
HTML
727 lines
36 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
|
|
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"
|
|
xmlns:og="http://opengraphprotocol.org/schema/"
|
|
xmlns:fb="http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml"><!-- InstanceBegin template="/Templates/seinfeld.dwt" codeOutsideHTMLIsLocked="false" -->
|
|
<head>
|
|
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
|
|
<META NAME="AUTHOR" CONTENT="Doctoroids" />
|
|
<META NAME="COPYRIGHT" CONTENT="© 2002-2010 Doctoroids" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="doctitle" -->
|
|
<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Dinner Party</title>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<link href="support-files/seinfeld.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="docdescription" -->
|
|
<meta name="description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Dinner Party. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="dockeywords" -->
|
|
<meta name="keywords" content="the dinner party, seinfeld scripts, seinfeld, seinfeld episode" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
window.google_analytics_uacct = "UA-16472669-1";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<link rel="image_src" href="images/seinfeld-share.jpg" />
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://s7.addthis.com/js/250/addthis_widget.js#username=doctoroids">var addthis_config = {data_track_clickback: true};</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="head" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="pagetype" -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageType="CONTENT";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script>
|
|
|
|
<meta property="og:site_name" content="SeinfeldScripts"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:app_id" content="164823560224402"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:admins" content="824270386"/>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="ogdata" -->
|
|
<meta property="og:image" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/images/seinfeld-cast.jpg"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:title" content="The Dinner Party"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:type" content="tv_show"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:url" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheDinnerParty.html"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Dinner Party. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes"/>
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
</head>
|
|
<body>
|
|
<div class="wrap">
|
|
<div class="head_title">
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div id="menu">
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<!-- **** INSERT NAVIGATION ITEMS HERE (use id="selected" to identify the page you're on **** -->
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Gifts</a></li>
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<div class="addthis_toolbox addthis_default_style" id="menu_share">
|
|
<li><a style="padding: 8px 3px 8px 160px" href="http://addthis.com/bookmark.php?v=250&username=doctoroids" class="addthis_button_compact">Share</a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_facebook"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_twitter"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_googlebuzz"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_digg"></a></li>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="underMenu">
|
|
<a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com">Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community!</a></div>
|
|
|
|
<div id="content"><!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="main_content" -->
|
|
<h1>The Dinner Party</h1>
|
|
|
|
<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
|
|
<tr>
|
|
<td>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-in_content-top_left */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4619537930";
|
|
google_ad_width = 300;
|
|
google_ad_height = 250;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
</td>
|
|
</tr>
|
|
</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
Transcribed by: The News Guy(Mike)</p>
|
|
<p>Fred Pinkard [ Newsstand Guy ], </p>
|
|
<p>Frank Novak [ Clerk ], </p>
|
|
<p>Mark Holton [ David ], </p>
|
|
<p>Suzy Soro [ Barbara ], </p>
|
|
<p>Kathryn Kates [ Counterwoman ], </p>
|
|
<p>S. Marc Jordan [ Man in Bakery ], </p>
|
|
<p>Langdon Bensing [ Man on Street ], </p>
|
|
<p>Sayed Badreya [ Foreign Man ], </p>
|
|
<p>Amjad J. Oaisen [ Hussein ], </p>
|
|
<p>Roger Eschbacher [ Man with Cane ] </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><em>Written by: Larry David </em></p>
|
|
<p><em>Directed by: Tom Cherones</em> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Monologue</p>
|
|
<p>We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything
|
|
is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't believe they could land
|
|
a man on the moon . . . and taste my coffee! I think we all would have
|
|
been a lot happier if they hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd
|
|
go, They can't make a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm
|
|
not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect
|
|
sense to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small
|
|
step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the face of
|
|
the earth. "</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, do you believe I got happy new year today? It's February.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I once got Happy new Year in July.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's really cold.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Scary cold.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold?</p>
|
|
<p>[George enters in Gore-Tex jacket]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Huh, What is that, ha?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: When did you get that?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex.
|
|
You know about Gore-Tex?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can't even turn around in that thing.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look at this [start hitting George]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey George, can you feel this? [they are hitting his jacket]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Maybe we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine
|
|
or something.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What for?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why?<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Because it's rude, otherwise.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So you're telling me instead of being happy to see me they're
|
|
going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. You see what I'm saying?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The fabric of society is very complex George.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can't bring Pepsi.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Because we're adults?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh, no way wine
|
|
is better than Pepsi.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm telling you George, I don't think we want to walk in there
|
|
and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi on the table.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I just don't like the ideas that every time there is a dinner
|
|
invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer enters]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right, let's go. Who's driving?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You are. I can't get that thing [George] in my car.</p>
|
|
<p>[In Kramer's car]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm
|
|
cold. Give me a squeeze.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Get off of me. Get off of ME!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're pretty comfortable up there eh. Bubble boy?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one
|
|
bottle of wine.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, here we go. Why don't we get them a couch? Bring them a nice
|
|
sectional.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: We'll get some cake. Can you stop off at the bakery?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why don't you just get some Ring Dings at the liquor store?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ring Dings?<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything you'll ever get at a
|
|
bakery.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I like Ring Dings.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: George, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and
|
|
Pepsi.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's a funeral procession. . . . And I got news for you. I show
|
|
up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit at the party. People
|
|
be coming up to me, "just between you and me I'm really excited about
|
|
the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. Europeans with the Beaujolais
|
|
and Chardonnay . . . </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, wait a minute. There's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here.
|
|
Okay, let me out. You, whatever your name is…</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry, come with me.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Okay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here
|
|
in ten minutes.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[The Royal Bakery]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and
|
|
white. Two races of flavor living side by side [mumble?] It's a wonderful
|
|
thing isn't it?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm looking forward to it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: CHOCOLATE BOBKA! That's their specialty.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Love that Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the
|
|
cake box.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the
|
|
little string.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You think it's effeminate? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's a tad dainty.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, we forgot to pick a number.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You see that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You think I should go ask her for hers?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, forget it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't
|
|
mean they were here first. We were here and we were ahead of them, and
|
|
them, and her. Come on let's just go ask them. Come on. . . . Excuse me.</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer's car]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Wow, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do?<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Just double park</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'll get a ticket! Besides,, what if somebody wants to get out
|
|
of here?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give
|
|
them up. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It's a fallacy.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right, I'll tell you what, why don't you go into the store
|
|
and I'll wait in the car? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Why don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get
|
|
cold. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: So what I'm going to leave the car running and the heater'll
|
|
be on.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Does the heater even work in this car?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I see.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You see, ho ho, </p>
|
|
<p>[Royal Bakery]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: But we were here ahead of you.</p>
|
|
<p>Barbara: How do I know that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well we saw you come in.</p>
|
|
<p>YYY: Well, that's easy for you to say.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I
|
|
make up stories to get ahead in line at bakeries.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: 46?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict?</p>
|
|
<p>BARBARA: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh my god. I, I know you. Um, I'm Elaine Benes, you remember
|
|
we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.</p>
|
|
<p>BARBARA: I'm on my way over there right now.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Me too.</p>
|
|
<p>D: You're Jerry right?<br>
|
|
JERRY: David!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well,, this is a little awkward, isn't it?</p>
|
|
<p>BARBARA: Yes it is.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You know we were here ahead of you.</p>
|
|
<p>BARBARA: You're NOT getting my number.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh so you still don't believe us.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: 47!</p>
|
|
<p>BARBARA: Us.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.</p>
|
|
<p>BARBARA: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what
|
|
a jerk YOU are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our last one.</p>
|
|
<p>[Liquor Store]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So alright, what are we getting? It's so hot in here!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What's that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It's robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais which
|
|
is richer and fruitier. Here's one. Twelve dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Twelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee
|
|
you they aren't getting no twelve dollar cake.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right but I am going to have to pay you back latter I don't
|
|
have my wallet.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: . . . Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says it's
|
|
bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: "throws your hips off kilter" So where's your money?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I never take it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So what do you do?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I get by.</p>
|
|
<p>[Royal Bakery]</p>
|
|
<p>BARBARA: See you later [exits with the Bobka]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: /JERRY: See you later.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That's the last Bobka. They got the last Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I know. They're going in first with the last Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That was our Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can't beat a Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: We should have had that Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: They're going to be heroes. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are we going to do now. If we can't get the Bobka the whole
|
|
thing's useless.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well how about a carrot cake?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into
|
|
a cake. I'm sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Black Forrest? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How about a Napoleon? </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger.
|
|
Might as well get Mengle. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That wa sour Bobka. We had that Bobka!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What's this one?</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: That's cinnamon Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Another Bobka?</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: There's chocolate and there's cinnamon. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, we've got to get the cinnamon.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with a lesser
|
|
Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no Bobka. People
|
|
love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and
|
|
pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?"
|
|
The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again.
|
|
Lesser Bobka - I think not.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: 49?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'll have the cinnamon Bobka. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: … and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace!</p>
|
|
<p>[Liquor store]</p>
|
|
<p>Cleck: That will be 13.05</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right here you go.</p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: A hundred? I can't change that.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You can't - oh uh oh All right let's go.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Wait a second. I can get change.</p>
|
|
<p>[Out on the street]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, hey What are you doing? You'll get us killed.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be
|
|
jumping out of windows after us.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Okay. Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I am not buying something just to get change.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: George, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All rright let's get some gum or something.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Pack of gum, okay here you go.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: What I this a hundred? I can't change a hundred.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: You got to buy more than that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Here, get a newspaper.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: A newspaper.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: That's not enough.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: A Clark Bar.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Clark Bar.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Keep going.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: There's 22 dollars here.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: George, George, Get a Penthouse Forum.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: That will make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the
|
|
letters at the dinner table.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, that's nice.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, did you ever read one of these?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's not real. They're all made up.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, it's real.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know there is an unusual number of people in this country
|
|
having sex with AMPUTEES! . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark
|
|
Bar.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: 6.75.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ah, great. With the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN1: [gibberish Arabic yelling]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Sorry, it's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war. </p>
|
|
<p>[Royal Bakery]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uhm, The thing about eating the Black and White cookie, Elaine,
|
|
is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes
|
|
better than vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow racial harmony eludes
|
|
us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be
|
|
solved. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Your views on race relations are fascinating. You really should
|
|
do an op-ed piece for the Times. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look to the cookie.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What is this? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's a hair.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, take it back. Let's get another one.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, we've already got this. I'll just take it off.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, really, let's get another one. It will just take a second.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Excuse me.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Hey hey, I'm in line here.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake
|
|
with a hair on it. </p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: You have to take a number.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: We waited fifteen minutes for this. Oh. YOU SOLD ME A CAKE WITH
|
|
A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry
|
|
taking a number) are you going to wait here?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It was a little hair. I took it off.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: A little hair? Do you think that makes it better?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What if it's your hair?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What if it's your hair?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What is wrong with my hair? Nothing. Nobody takes better care
|
|
of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Who needs misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health
|
|
food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred proof - takes your
|
|
roots out.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, why don't we just forget about the cake? </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No I'm bringing cake!</p>
|
|
<p>[Liquor store]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Imagine
|
|
if we didn't bring wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S
|
|
YOUR WINE? GET OUT! </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: "I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but
|
|
every word of this story is true…" [exits to street] "
|
|
A weeks days ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive
|
|
our new neighbor Linda was…"</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Look at this? Somebody double parked and blocked us in. DOES
|
|
ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. No, no note.
|
|
Can you believe this?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: "…well of course I noticed it too with those ample
|
|
breasts and those pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock
|
|
out…."</p>
|
|
<p>[still on street but much later]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I really can't comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes.
|
|
Can you comprehend it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no I can't comprehend it?<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I mean we can put a man on the moon but we're basically still
|
|
very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys who
|
|
built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, he could build the rocket but he's still stupid for double-parking
|
|
and blocking somebody in.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So you really understand my point about building a rocket and
|
|
double-parking.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other part
|
|
he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard
|
|
for basic human decency. If this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini
|
|
would circle the block six times looking for a spot?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: How about Idi Amin?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ill tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the
|
|
death penalty for double-parking. If this is allowed to go on this is
|
|
not a society. THIS IS ANARCHY!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Are those shoes comfortable?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No not really.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: They look comfortable.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I know that's why I bought them but they're not comfortable.</p>
|
|
<p>[Royal Bakery]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why couldn't we have just taken the hair off and go?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, out of the question.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'd rather not talk about it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can't tell me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right . . . I once had a hair in my Farina and I freaked out.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You found a hair in your Farina?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah,</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina. There's
|
|
a hair in my farina." Then I ran out of the house and I was running
|
|
and running. I was little but I could run very fast. I just kept running
|
|
and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wow. Who's hair was it?<br>
|
|
JERRY: My mother's.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: 68!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: That's us.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, good.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You sold us a hair with a cake around it. I'd like another one.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: [coughing and coughing] </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ah, that's lovely.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ah,</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: Just what you want to see, yeah. . . . You want to trade your
|
|
hair for some phlegm </p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Here you are.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Um, okay, we got the cake now. Where are George and Kramer?</p>
|
|
<p>[on street outside Liquor Store]</p>
|
|
<p>[honking]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: HEY DOUBLE-PARKER. SOVIET SCUM. COME ON OUT. IT'S FREEZING!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: We're really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What about her?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: . . . I'm a little scared of her. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You're scared of Elaine?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Did you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late because
|
|
I bought a Panama hat she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard
|
|
my head came right through the top of it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Let's go inside the liquor store. It's freezing in here.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why didn't you wear a heavier coat?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Because I wanted to look good for the party.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, hey that's great! That's very nice. We've been waiting twenty
|
|
minutes for you people? What do you think? You're Mussolini?</p>
|
|
<p>MAN2: Back off puff ball it's not my car! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I wasn't talking to you.</p>
|
|
<p>[Royal Bakery]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wait until I get my hands on that George. I'm going to pull that
|
|
big hood over his little head, tie the string and suffocate him. You remember
|
|
that Panama hat? That was nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh, wa?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What's the matter with you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh, I don't feel so good.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What's wrong?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: The black and white?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Not getting along?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan down there.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I feel like I'm going to throw up.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, what about your vomit streak?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.</p>
|
|
<p>[Man with cane puts cane on Elaine's foot]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, oh!</p>
|
|
<p>MAN3: Sooory.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're
|
|
doing you, LUNATIC!… uh, I think he broke my toe. [Jerry gets up]
|
|
Where're you going?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Fourteen years down the drain.</p>
|
|
<p>[Liquor Store]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Do chickens have individual personalities?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (shivering) I don't care.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: If you had five chickens could you tell them apart by just the
|
|
way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Cluck, puk cluck?
|
|
Because if they have individual personalities I don't think we should
|
|
be eating them. What's the matter with you?</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Can I help you guys with anything?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: We bought the wine here before, but now we're blocked in by some
|
|
car that's double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout. But my friend here has
|
|
hypothermia.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I've got hypothermia.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: All right guys, take it outside.</p>
|
|
<p>[George turns and breaks wine bottles]</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: You're paying for these.</p>
|
|
<p>[Royal bakery]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: How was it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: As good as it gets.</p>
|
|
<p>[Outside Liquor Store]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know that coat was Gore-Tex. It was worth a hell of a lot
|
|
more than that cheap Chardonnay.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm freezing. Definitely freezing. I can't stop shaking. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN4: Don't walk around without a coat in this weather; you'll catch
|
|
your death of cold. So long. </p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Can I get you anything else?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, no thanks. </p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: How about a nice box of "scram".</p>
|
|
<p>[George enters]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been
|
|
Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He had a British accent though.
|
|
What, what happened to you? </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to
|
|
put up your ….</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, what happened to your coat? And what's the smell, what are
|
|
you drunk? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I had to give it to the liquor store guy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What for?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I spilled some Chardonnay. So what did you get?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Cinnamon Bobka.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Cinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: George!</p>
|
|
<p>[In the car]</p>
|
|
<p>[silence]</p>
|
|
<p>[Apartment #7]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Here, here's your cake.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And your wine.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: See ya'.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: See ya'.</p>
|
|
<p>[END]</p>
|
|
<p>Monologue</p>
|
|
<p>I heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is actually lost
|
|
through the top of the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go
|
|
skiing naked if you got a good hat. But there's no hat that makes a statement
|
|
quite like a hat with a flap. The hat with the flaps makes a statement
|
|
like no other hat makes. This hat says to the world "I would rather
|
|
have the heat in my skull rather than anything society could possibly
|
|
offer." In fact I would say if you're on trial for a serious crime
|
|
and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense, this is the hat to wear.
|
|
Your lawyer should insist on it. [puts on the hat] Your honor, "The
|
|
defense rests."<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p
|
|
align="center"> </p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
|
|
|
|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
|
|
<div id="upperBox">
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|