751 lines
39 KiB
HTML
751 lines
39 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Diplomat Club</h1>
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<p>First Aired 5/4/95</p>
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<p>Written by Tom Gammill and Max Pross</p>
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<p>Directed by Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p>Cast:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld himself</p>
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<p>George Costanza Jason Alexander</p>
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<p>Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus</p>
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<p>Cosmo Kramer Michael Richards</p>
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<p>Newman Wayne Knight</p>
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<p>Katie Debra Jo Rupp</p>
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<p>Mr. Morgan Tom Wright</p>
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<p>Mr. Pitt Ian Abercrombie</p>
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<p>% Opening monologue</p>
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<p>What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these
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special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat
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peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but
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isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to
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me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'?
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Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join
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that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like
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when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that
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stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would
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work a little harder...</p>
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<p>% Jerry's apartment, Jerry is talking on the phone</p>
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<p>Jerry: What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that
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gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll
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be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs
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up)</p>
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<p>Elaine: Is that the supermodel?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six
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hours.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I thought you had a show in Ithaca.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back
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and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and
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I am telling him that I am quitting.</p>
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<p>Jerry: So that's it? You know I never even met the guy. </p>
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<p>Elaine: I've had enough. I am marchin' in.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You're marchin' in.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I'm marchin'. (Enter George)</p>
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<p>George: Hey.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey. Elaine's quitting.</p>
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<p>George: Really?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I'm marchin' in.</p>
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<p>George: I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.</p>
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<p>Jerry: How 'bout the march out?</p>
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<p>George: Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're
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losing.</p>
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<p>Elaine: This is it. Wish me luck.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)</p>
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<p>George: Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why?</p>
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<p>George: Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan
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up at the office.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What for?</p>
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<p>George: They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with
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this guy as it is. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?</p>
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<p>George: It better be.</p>
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<p>% Mr. Pitt's office, Elaine enters and Mr. Pitt is sitting at his
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desk.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.</p>
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<p>Pitt: One second Elaine.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Mr. Pitt...</p>
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<p>Pitt: Elaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will
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to include you as a beneficiary.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What?</p>
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<p>Pitt: Well, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to
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be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care
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of after I'm gone.</p>
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<p>Elaine: (Flattered) Mr. Pitt...</p>
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<p>Pitt: (Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get
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me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with
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the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine,</p>
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<p>Pitt: Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.</p>
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<p>Elaine: We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want
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you to live a long, long time.</p>
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<p>% At the Yankee's office</p>
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<p>George: (Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture
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left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?</p>
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<p>Morgan: Why?</p>
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<p>George: Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for
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us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone
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ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must
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get that all the time.</p>
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<p>Morgan: I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?</p>
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<p>George: No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance...
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</p>
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<p>[Jerry and George at Monk's]</p>
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<p>Jerry: Maybe he looks a little like Sugar Ray Leonard.</p>
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<p>George: A little? Come on.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, you still shouldn't have said it.</p>
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<p>George: You think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Maybe.</p>
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<p>George: Boy, that is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was<br />
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in Long Island.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You'd have marched on Great Neck?</p>
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<p>George: Absolutely. I still might. I always hated those girls. They<br />
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would never date me.</p>
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<p>[ Kramer arrives at Monk's]</p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey, there you are.</p>
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<p>Kramer: So you ready?</p>
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<p>George: For what?</p>
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<p>Jerry: He's taking me to the airport. But we've got a few minutes.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, yeah. What? You got no luggage?</p>
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<p>Jerry: This is it. I'm only going for the day. I just gotta drop by the<br />
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drugstore and pick up a toothbrush.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Okay.</p>
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<p>George: Hey, Kramer. Who does that look like?</p>
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<p>Kramer: I don't know.</p>
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<p>George: Come on, come on. Not salt, but...?<br />
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Kramer: What, Pepper Johnson?</p>
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<p>George: No. Sugar Ray Leonard.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, no way.</p>
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<p>George: All right, I'll tell you what. I'll bet you the next three people I<br />
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ask... two of them will say Sugar Ray.</p>
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<p>Kramer: How much? $ 100? $200? $ 1000?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey wait a second, what are you doing? You're not betting.You<br />
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know he's not supposed to bet.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Come on, Jerry, it's a lock.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Kramer, you've had this thing under control for almost three<br />
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years now. Don't start again.</p>
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<p>Kramer: But it's a lock, Jerry!</p>
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<p>Jerry: No!</p>
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<p>Jerry: What're you doing about Morgan?</p>
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<p>George: You know what would be great? If he could see me with<br />
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some of my black friends.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah except you don't really have any black friends. Outside of<br />
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us, you don't have any white friends either.</p>
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<p>[ Cuts to Joe's apartment building where George buzzes Joe. ]</p>
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<p>Joe: Yes?</p>
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<p>George: Hello, Joe?</p>
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<p>Joe: Who is this?</p>
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<p>George: It's me. George Costanza.</p>
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<p>Joe: Who?</p>
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<p>George: Remember I was here a while back? Breakfast at Tiffany's<br />
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together?</p>
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<p>Joe: What do you want?</p>
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<p>George: Well, I've rented another video, Joe. And there's some<br />
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popcorn. I thought we could do it again.</p>
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<p>Joe: Go away.</p>
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<p>[ Joe's daughter Remy enters the entrance hall ]</p>
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<p>George: Remy. Hi.</p>
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<p>Remy: You?!? What are you doing here?</p>
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<p>George: Well, I got another Audrey Hepburn movie.</p>
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<p>Joe: Remy, is that you?</p>
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<p>Remy: Daddy, that man is here again.</p>
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<p>Joe: Remy, I want you up here instantly.</p>
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<p>George: You know, Remy, I was thinking. Last time we were<br />
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together, you...</p>
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<p>[ Remy slams the door shut ]</p>
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<p>[ Kramer and Jerry are at the drugstore. ]</p>
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<p>Jerry: That's great. You know what? Leave it. Just pull the car around</p>
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<p>front.</p>
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<p>Kramer: You sure?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah. I'll take care of it. Just throw that in there, would you?</p>
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<p>Mr. Pitt: Excuse me. I take heart medication. What would you<br />
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recommend for a runny nose?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Take an antihistamine.They're over there.</p>
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<p>Mr. Pitt: It's all right to take?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, they're great.</p>
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<p>Mr. Pitt: What about appetite suppressants?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I just saw them. Oh, here. Here you go.</p>
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<p>Mr. Pitt: Thank you, young man.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Have a good day, sir.</p>
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<p>[ Jerry and Kramer are at the Diplomat's Club at the La Guardia<br />
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Airport ]</p>
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<p>Kramer: This is your swanky Diplomat's Club.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't see Katie anywhere.</p>
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<p>Kramer: What's this, a fellow club member?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No, she's this woman who's booking me on these college<br />
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tours. She thinks I'm some big celebrity that has to be pampered and<br />
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explained every little thing.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah. I'm gonna get some snacks before my flight.</p>
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<p>Katie: Jerry.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, hi, Katie.</p>
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<p>Katie: You found the airport all right?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yes, I followed the planes.</p>
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<p>Katie: I see you're having coffee. Just so you know, they also have<br />
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decaf as well. Along with a selection of cocktails and soft...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Thanks. Thanks for telling me.</p>
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<p>[Cuts to Mr. Pitt's apartment. Mr. Pitt is lying in his bed being<br />
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attended by a doctor ]</p>
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<p>Elaine: What's going on?</p>
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<p>Women: I'm Lenore Walker, Mr. Pitt's estate lawyer. I arrived<br />
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to discuss his will and found Justin had collapsed on the floor.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh my God.</p>
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<p>Woman: Who are you?</p>
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<p>Pitt: This is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine...</p>
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<p>Man: Please, rest Mr. Pitt.</p>
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<p>Woman: You're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little...
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shopping. How did this happen?</p>
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<p>Man: Took a very dangerous combination: prescription heart medicine
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and these other pills.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist.</p>
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<p>Pitt: I spoke to someone who worked there.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits)</p>
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<p>Woman: How well do you know her?</p>
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<p>% Jerry and Katie sitting in the plane</p>
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<p>Katie: Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're
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gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yes, I know. I've flown before.</p>
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<p>Katie: Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance
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of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No.</p>
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<p>Katie: (Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to
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go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance
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until way after take off.</p>
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<p>% Airport, Kramer and a man sitting </p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?</p>
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<p>Earl: Pretty good.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Name's Kramer.</p>
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<p>Earl: Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where
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you headed?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes
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flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute
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they're arriving.</p>
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<p>Earl: Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the
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Houston's been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll
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bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight
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to Houston.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Bet? Um, not betting.</p>
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<p>Earl: Friendly wager.</p>
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<p>Kramer: I haven't made a bet in three years, I-</p>
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<p>Earl: Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Okay, how much?</p>
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<p>Earl: How 'bout 200?</p>
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<p>Kramer: You're on, cowboy!</p>
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<p>% On street, George and another man pick up newspaper</p>
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<p>George: How ya doin'?</p>
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<p>Man: Okay.</p>
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<p>George: Nice day today.</p>
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<p>Man: What?</p>
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<p>George: I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here?</p>
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<p>% Man gets newspaper and leaves</p>
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<p>% At the airport...</p>
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<p>Intercom: Now arriving at gate 12...</p>
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<p>Earl: This could be Mexico City.</p>
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<p>Kramer: C'mon Seattle, let's go.</p>
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<p>Earl: Come on, Mexico City!</p>
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<p>Kramer: Seattle, yeah!</p>
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<p>Intercom: ...flight 42 from Mexico City.</p>
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<p>Kramer: All right, c'mon, let's go again.</p>
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<p>% At Mr. Pitt's...</p>
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<p>Elaine: Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?</p>
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<p>Pitt: No.</p>
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<p>Elaine: You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow?</p>
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<p>Pitt: Okay.</p>
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<p>% Elaine goes to get pillow, walks back to Pitt slowly. Ms. Walker
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enters looking scared. Elaine waves.</p>
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<p>% Backstage at Comedy Club in Ithaca</p>
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<p>Katie: It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew,
|
|
he's got a birthday next week.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't care.</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the
|
|
pilot is going to be in the audience.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Who?</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting
|
|
out there watching the show.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't care, why are you telling me this?</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...</p>
|
|
<p>Off stage: Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld!
|
|
(Clapping)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to
|
|
see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those
|
|
orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way...
|
|
up here... um... I..</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>% George walking down street. He sees a man and tries to help him
|
|
with groceries. Man walks away.</p>
|
|
<p>% Comedy club</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: It didn't go very well, did it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the
|
|
audience really freaked me out.</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: I knew it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine.
|
|
I became obsessed with him.</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for
|
|
a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, it doesn't matter now.</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom!</p>
|
|
<p>% Airport...</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200...
|
|
Will that be cash or check?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon.</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: All right, but I wanna see some cash on the table.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls)</p>
|
|
<p>N: Hello? </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, it's, uh, me.</p>
|
|
<p>N: Hey, what's up?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right, listen. I need some cash.</p>
|
|
<p>N: What for?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I just need it, that's all.</p>
|
|
<p>N: Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh
|
|
you weak, weak man. Where are you?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'm at the airport.</p>
|
|
<p>N: The airport?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman
|
|
rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash.</p>
|
|
<p>N: I don't have that kinda dough.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Sure you do.</p>
|
|
<p>N: Oh no, no, not the bag!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh help me man, I'm desperate!</p>
|
|
<p>N: All right, all right.</p>
|
|
<p>% Airplane...</p>
|
|
<p>Intercom: Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication
|
|
that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (To Katie) What is the complication?</p>
|
|
<p>Flisht Attendant: Mr. Seinfeld?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes?</p>
|
|
<p>FA: I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
<p>FA: Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you.</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has
|
|
no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I didn't care.</p>
|
|
<p>FA: Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He can't just throw me off the plane!</p>
|
|
<p>FA: Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be
|
|
a disturbance.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But I'm not a disturbance!</p>
|
|
<p>FA: Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But someone is waiting for me!</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!</p>
|
|
<p>% Airport in Ithaca</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty,
|
|
which one do you want?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Which one do you think I want?</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: The eight will get you in a little earlier.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Then we'll make it the eight.</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hotel?</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Yeah, it's eight in the morning.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna
|
|
be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself!
|
|
Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)</p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry calls George</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yo.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: George.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's
|
|
Club...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated
|
|
your apartment when you had fleas?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Carl, I think.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, he was nice.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What company was it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Defent.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You need an exterminator?</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, not really.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Gotta go.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: George, George!</p>
|
|
<p>% Mr. Pitt's, Jerry is on the phone with Ms. Walker</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone
|
|
for you.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go
|
|
down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to
|
|
be late.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: That's at the airport, right?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll
|
|
never get another date with her. She'll freak out.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I am a little freaked out!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious
|
|
of Elaine)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All right, but you have to go now.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I said I'll take care of it!</p>
|
|
<p>% Newman arrives at the airport with a bag</p>
|
|
<p>N: Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>N: Okay, here it is.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: So it's a mailbag, so what?</p>
|
|
<p>N: So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: (Reading) David Berkowitz.</p>
|
|
<p>N: Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: Where did you get this? </p>
|
|
<p>N: I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on
|
|
that route.</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: Any of 'em talk to you?</p>
|
|
<p>N: Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: (To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, don't I know it.</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the
|
|
board. Now, who do you like?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: All right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take Ithaca.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Double or nothin'.</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: Double or nothin'.</p>
|
|
<p>N: I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a
|
|
look of lack of confidence)</p>
|
|
<p>% In rental car... Katie is driving and Jerry is asleep</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Wakes up) Where are we?</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: I'm not sure.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Is this even a road?</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What? Why didn't you wake me up?</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: You told me not to bother you with minor details.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, road is a major detail!</p>
|
|
<p>Katie: Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do
|
|
you have a preference?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Pointing ahead) Look out!</p>
|
|
<p>% At George's office, Carl enters</p>
|
|
<p>George: May I help you?</p>
|
|
<p>Carl: I'm the exterminator.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, yes of course, come in.</p>
|
|
<p>Carl: Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I
|
|
called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is
|
|
sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?</p>
|
|
<p>Carl: Do I know you?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When
|
|
you fumigated for fleas over there.</p>
|
|
<p>Carl: Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really
|
|
thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know,
|
|
there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr.
|
|
Morgan in?</p>
|
|
<p>Phone: Mr. Morgan left for dinner.</p>
|
|
<p>George: He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?</p>
|
|
<p>% Mr. Pitt's. Pitt is in bed with Ms. Walker standing beside him.
|
|
The T.V. is on.</p>
|
|
<p>TV: Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost
|
|
Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in
|
|
a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld,
|
|
a passenger, seemed a little freaked out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's it! No more questions! I don't care!</p>
|
|
<p>Pitt: That's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug
|
|
store! He's no pharmacist.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier
|
|
for Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt)</p>
|
|
<p>% At the restaurant, George and Carl enter. They see Mr. Morgan.</p>
|
|
<p>George: (To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's
|
|
all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh
|
|
my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan,
|
|
I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl.</p>
|
|
<p>Carl: I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)</p>
|
|
<p>George: That's... what we used to call him in high school, the
|
|
exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times.</p>
|
|
<p>% Airport, Kramer is smoking a cigar</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: Well, that Newman was your good luck charm.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, he was.</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: I should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks
|
|
acceptable?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh I accept.</p>
|
|
<p>N: (Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right
|
|
next to me. We once double dated.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like
|
|
yourself. (Elaine enters)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here
|
|
about his plane in Ithaca?</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: What about the plane in Ithaca?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly
|
|
delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Boy...</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: Your friend caused the delay?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Elaine: Uh huh.</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: C'mon!</p>
|
|
<p>Earl: See you around, Cosmo.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What?</p>
|
|
<p>% Mr. Pitt's...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr.
|
|
Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you!</p>
|
|
<p>Pitt: You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt)</p>
|
|
<p>% Airport, Jerry enters</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Bridget!</p>
|
|
<p>Bridget: Jerry, what happened?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our
|
|
whole time together.</p>
|
|
<p>Bridget: Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on
|
|
the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot!</p>
|
|
<p>% Restaurant</p>
|
|
<p>George: I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the
|
|
time.</p>
|
|
<p>Morgan: Is that right?</p>
|
|
<p>Carl: Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the
|
|
rat problems in the kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p>Morgan: (George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an
|
|
exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>George: Check, please.</p>
|
|
<p>Waiter: Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!</p>
|
|
<p>% End</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
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<p><Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
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<p ></p>
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