818 lines
44 KiB
HTML
818 lines
44 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Doll</h1>
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Written by: Tom Gammill and Max Pross<br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman<br>
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Broadcasted: February 22, 1996 for the first time.<br>
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Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,<br>
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Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Kathy Griffin (as Sally Weaver),
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Estelle Harris (as Estelle Costanza), and Mark Metcalf (as Bob Cobb -
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the Maestro).</p>
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<p><br>
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(NOTE: Opening monologue is missing)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
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<p>(Jerry is just now getting done with his act)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, sighing deeply. Instantly,
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a red-headed woman runs up and hugs him - taking Jerry by surprise)</p>
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<p>SALLY: Jerry!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!</p>
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<p>SALLY: (Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver! (Sees Jerry's expression
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- he still has no clue who she is) Susan Ross' roommate from college..
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hello! (Laughs slightly)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show?</p>
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<p>SALLY: Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for the free tickets. You are
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so funny.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Modest) Oh, thanks.</p>
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<p>SALLY: (Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're very funny.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Blunt) I believe you.</p>
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<p>SALLY: Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. I am taking you (Points to
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him) out to dinner.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I can't - I'm going straight
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to the airport.</p>
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<p>SALLY: Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought we'd really get along - I
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guess because we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You know what, um.. (Turns
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around, picking up a large gift from a table) You have to give this to
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them for me. Okay? Here. (Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles under the
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size of it) It's a wedding present.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh?</p>
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<p>SALLY: And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? Be very careful.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Uh-huh.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: The Coffee shop]</p>
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<p>(George and his father, Frank, are sitting at a booth)</p>
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<p>FRANK: George, as you may be aware, your mother and I are not moving
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to Del Boca Vista, Florida.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware.</p>
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<p>FRANK: So, I was wondering, would it be okay if I turned your room into
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a billiard parlor?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: A billiard parlor?</p>
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<p>FRANK: Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even a bar.. Give it real authenticity..</p>
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<p>(Elaine enters. George spots her in mid-sentence)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, that's.. Elaine!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, hi, Frank.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Sliding over to make room for her) Sit down. Join us, please.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Trying to come up with an excuse not to sit with them) Actually,
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I gotta get to the.. uh.. thing.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled. Sit down.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs) So.. (Trying to think
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up something to talk about) Frank, did George ever show you that photo?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Confused) What photo?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front
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of the sign that said "Costanza"?</p>
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<p>FRANK: (Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany? (Elaine nods) Did
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he look like me? Did you talk to him?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I didn't talk to anyone - I was just walking by, and I saw the
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sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it.</p>
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<p>FRANK: I gotta get that picture - it could be my cousin, Carlo.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Who is that?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Muttering out, not really wanting to talk about his family)
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When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.</p>
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<p>FRANK: I played with him every day until the age of four - and then we
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separated.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: So, you weren't born here?</p>
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<p>FRANK: No. That's why I can never be president.. It always irked me.
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That's why, even at an early age, I had no interest in politics. I refuse
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to vote. (Yelling out) They don't want me, I don't want them!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't know what you're getting all riled up about. There are
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probably a million Costanzas-</p>
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<p>FRANK: (Cutting him off) Don't bring me down. (To Elaine) Do you have
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another copy of that photo?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro might.</p>
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<p>FRANK: The Maestro? What Maestro?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with. He's a great guy,
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but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Really? Why?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Explaining) Because he hasn't called me since we got back..
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I spilled wine on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite Italian opera
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stars.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Who?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You know the Three Tenors?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti.. Domingo.. and.. uh..
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the other guy.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Nodding) The other guy.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: Airplane]</p>
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<p>(Jerry's flying to NY. On his lap is Sally's present and his personal
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bag. He's trying to read a magazine while a stewardess approaches him)</p>
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<p>STEWARDESS: (Overly nice) Could I take that box for you?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed to be careful with it.</p>
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<p>STEWARDESS: Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag in the over-head.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, okay..</p>
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<p>(The stewardess takes the bag, and crams it into the over-head compartment.
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The sound of glass breaking can be heard)</p>
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<p>STEWARDESS: There we go.</p>
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<p>(Jerry gives a face of pure dissatisfaction)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Kramer enters while Jerry's unpacking. The clothes in his suitcase are
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covered in bar-b-que sauce)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ohh.. look at this..</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess
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broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because
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of this (Gestures to Sally's present) stupid thing.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still
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salvage some sauce..</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle,
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and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Taking some of Jerry's clothing over to the kitchen) I see..</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and
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this was going to be my bit on the show.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, why don't you do your material?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm out.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Looking up, sighs) Well, you better get to work.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.</p>
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<p>(George enters)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, buddies.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's
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roommate, Sally.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally called Susan - said you guys
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really hit it off.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit anything off. She just gave
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me the box. (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's
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clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are
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you doing?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you?
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(Eats the bread)</p>
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<p>(George is still opening the gift - flinging Styrofoam peanuts all over
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the table)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Moving out into the living room) Jerry, why don't you do a bit
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on Styrofoam?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Like what?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's act) "What is
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this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make it so small..?"</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Confused) Where's the punchline?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous face - mocking Jerry's)</p>
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<p>GOERGE: (Taking out a mat from the huge box) Well, this is certainly
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a crappy gift..</p>
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<p>JERRY: A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.. She's
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a big executive for Federal Express.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just
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ship it?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up, reading) "The Costanzas"</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, no. Forget it. I don't want it. Let's just get rid of it.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, maybe your father would be interested in that.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I doubt it. You know what he's doing now? He's putting a pool
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table in my old bedroom.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll go out there and knock
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a few balls around with him. You know, show him a thing or two..</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: George's old bedroom]</p>
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<p>(The room is remodeled into a billiard room. The pool table is obviously
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way too big for the room. Frank and Kramer are chalking up their sticks)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: So, what's your game? What do you like to play?</p>
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<p>FRANK: Eight ball.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me, play a game of straight
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pool.. hmm?</p>
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<p>FRANK: You like to gamble, Cosmo?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, now and then - you know how it is..</p>
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<p>FRANK: Five dollars a game, huh?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I'll break.</p>
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<p>FRANK: Okay.</p>
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<p>(Kramer goes to pull back his pool stick, but it is stopped short by
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the wall. Scene cuts to a montage with multiple scenes involving humorous
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accounts of their trying to play in such a tiny room)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: George and Susan's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Susan has boxes in the living room, and is setting up some of her items
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around the apartment)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What's all this?</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>SUSAN: Oh, I'm just moving in some more of my stuff.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Muttering to himself as he walks to the bedroom) More stuff..</p>
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<p>SUSAN: (Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection..</p>
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<p>(George walks into his room, and stops in his tracks. Up on the shelves,
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is a doll that looks exactly like George's mother)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh my God! What is that?!</p>
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<p>SUSAN: (Rushing in) What? What is it?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing) looks like my mother.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: George, it's a doll.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I know it's a doll, but it looks like my mother!</p>
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<p>SUSAN: (Going back to the living room) Oh, get outta here..</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: George's old bedroom]</p>
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<p>(Kramer, holding the pool stick at an awkward angle, is about to hit
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the ball when Estelle enters)</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: What's going on in here? (Kramer hits the cue ball, it jumps
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up from the table and flies off screen) Are you two still playing?! You've
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been up here three hours!</p>
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<p>FRANK: We still haven't finished the first game.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: The first game?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Explaining why they are doing so bad) Well, we're still, uh,
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learning the subtleties of the table.</p>
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<p>FRANK: (To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He could have the picture..</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.</p>
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<p>FRANK: (Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle leaves, slamming the
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door) We're gonna go see him, huh?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Judging up his next move) As soon as the game is over..</p>
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<p>FRANK: (Sensing the game is going to last a long time) Oh boy.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on his stick, accidentally
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crashing it into the window)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: George and Susan's bedroom]</p>
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<p>(George and Susan are in bed. They go to kiss, but George stops when
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he sees the doll laying right next to Susan)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What is this thing doing here?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Oh, I used to love to sleep with my dolls when I was a little
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girl..</p>
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<p>(Susan leans in to kiss, but George stops her again)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Why?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Oh, stop it.</p>
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<p>(They kiss. While kissing, George tightly stuffs the doll under Susan's
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pillow -- out of sight)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry enters the living room from his bathroom with his toothbrush.
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Elaine is reading the paper at his table)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this new electric toothbrush
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I just got - the Ori-dent.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Just making conversation) Oh yeah?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you use it you feel like you
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just came from the dentist!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the
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Charles Grodin show?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Who else is on the show?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Uh.. one of the three tenors.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands up) Which one?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Extremely excited) The other guy?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Nodding) Yeah, the other guy.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Screams out in joy) My God! I can't believe the other guy's
|
|
going to be on the show!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged
|
|
to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!</p>
|
|
<p>(George enters. He's in a disheveled state)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, you look awful.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, bro.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Problem in the bedroom?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. one of the dolls
|
|
looks exactly like my mother.. she likes to sleep with it.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine makes a face)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty
|
|
spooky. (Takes off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's freakin' me out
|
|
man. And now I got to go back out there and pick up this doormat.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I thought you didn't want the doormat.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't. Susan wants to have it out when Sally comes tomorrow.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a minute - She's coming to New
|
|
York?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be excited.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew she was coming here and
|
|
she made me carry that box?!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Who's Sally?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Susan's college roommate.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to
|
|
give to Charles Grodin on his show.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll
|
|
be delighted to talk to you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (While opening a cereal box) I will - don't worry. (Plotting revenge)
|
|
In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really
|
|
heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her
|
|
lap!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: That's sounds pretty juvenile.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more
|
|
immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: The Maestro's Office]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer and Frank are in a meeting with the Maestro)</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: His name was Carlo Costanza. We played together everyday until
|
|
I was four. If I could just look through your photographs, maybe I could
|
|
recognize him.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Unfortunately those photographs are at home.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe we could interest you
|
|
in a game of pool.. Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own billiard room.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh, it's.. uh, uh.. What do
|
|
you call it, Kramer?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: A billiard room.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: No, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards.. it was.. Come on,
|
|
already. Come on..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Confused) What?</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: We call it.. the, uh..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Snaps) The Place To Be!</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: The place to be! Yes! It's the place to be.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: (Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall be there. And now, Gentlemen,
|
|
(Making dramatic actions) if you will excuse me - I must prepare for the
|
|
symphony.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>(The Maestro gets up. Realizing that he isn't wearing pants, Kramer and
|
|
Frank stare in bewilderment)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: (Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants. (Begins putting on
|
|
a near-by pair of pants) It's an old conductor's trick I learned from
|
|
Leonard Bernstein.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: You keep a perfect crease by not sitting in them before the
|
|
performance.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer and Frank are obviously impressed)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: That's good thinking.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(George, presenting the doll to Jerry, has his arms out in a 'tada' gesture.
|
|
Jerry has on a disgusted face)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You see?.. You see?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly
|
|
what she's gonna look like in ten years!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why don't you just get rid of it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I tried! I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't
|
|
do it. The guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the doll, opening the door
|
|
to leave) Susan's so attached to this thing.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Wait, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home.</p>
|
|
<p>(George shoots him a look, then leaves. He is audible as he meets up
|
|
with Elaine in the hallway)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hi, Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine shrieks out in fright, then enters Jerry's doorway - breathless)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Did you see that?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine exhales deeply - getting
|
|
over the scare of the doll. She moves into the apartment) What's that?
|
|
(Pointing to a rolled up poster Elaine is carrying)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it) Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: (Through the intercom) It's Sally.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: A whole case.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) So, did you buy that electric
|
|
toothbrush I was telling you about?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Blunt, to the point) No.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How come? I told you - It's fantastic.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Eh, I like mine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I've had yours, I'm telling you - this one is ten times better.
|
|
Don't you believe me?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't want it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Slightly confused by her behavior) I don't understand this. Why
|
|
wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's
|
|
better? And it's not a little better - it's much better.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Not committing to the conversation) It doesn't matter to me.</p>
|
|
<p>(A knock on the door)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Come in.</p>
|
|
<p>(Sally enters with a medium-sized box)</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: (Peppy) Well, here I am!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) Pretty uncomfortable?</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: (Setting the box down on his table) Actually, the seat next to
|
|
me was empty, so, there was no problem at all.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up
|
|
one of the BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that I asked for!</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. "The Pride of
|
|
Memphis!"</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with
|
|
that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin!</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other
|
|
sauce as (Whispering) kind of a joke.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going
|
|
on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the jar down angrily) Nothing!</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: You could just do your material.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Peeved) I don't have any material!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Yelling out) He's got nothin'!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: The Coffee Shop]</p>
|
|
<p>(George is sitting at the table - opposite the doll. While he eats his
|
|
meal, he can hear his mother yelling at him via the doll)</p>
|
|
<p>DOLL: Georgie! Don't eat with your hands! (George starts eating faster)
|
|
Why do you eat so fast?! You can't even taste it!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat!</p>
|
|
<p>(People from near-by tables turn and look at him)</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>DOLL: You're wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already!
|
|
Why don't you get a new shirt?!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Trying to keep it down) Because I like this one! (Notices people
|
|
staring at him, he quickly gets up, collecting the his coat and the tiny
|
|
replica) C'mon, let's go. Let's go! (On his way out, he stops in front
|
|
of a woman blocking his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about the doll, he
|
|
sheepishly walks out)</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: (To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should really be in a sanitarium.
|
|
(Ruthie nods, agreeing)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: George's old bedroom]</p>
|
|
<p>(The Maestro, Kramer, and Frank are all pant-less and playing pool while
|
|
listening to classical music. Frank is looking at the Maestro's pictures
|
|
with a magnifying glass)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, and yet, my pants remain
|
|
perfectly creased.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: It's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Come on. Are you sure?</p>
|
|
<p>(They all crowd around the picture)</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: I'd know him anywhere.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric fellow. Reputation
|
|
of being kind of a village idiot.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: I still say we're related.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: (Recognizing the currently playing song) Ohh, I love this piece.
|
|
(Turns it up, then pantomimes that he is conducting the instruments)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (Complaining) I can't make anything..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Like a professional) Well, that's because you don't know how
|
|
to follow through correctly.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: Follow through? What do you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Right here, come on, I'll show you.. (Gets behind Frank, holding
|
|
the pool stick with him) Take hold of your stick.. alright, bring it back
|
|
slowly..</p>
|
|
<p>(Estelle walks in with a tray of beverages and popcorn. Kramer and Frank
|
|
continue the lesson in their underwear as she stares in disbelief)</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: It's a little unnatural, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: Oh, my God!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Still ticked off) That woman is such an idiot! I was gonna do
|
|
this whole bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing to talk about.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, have you ever considered writing new material?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all
|
|
the time I'd be able to get some work done.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking about me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never here.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really freaky, wasn't it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, you know what? Maybe I could
|
|
talk about that on the show.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Show the doll - show the picture of George's mother.. it's pretty
|
|
funny. (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna call them.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to George's apartment. Sally answers the ringing phone)</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello, Susan? It's Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: Hi Jerry, it's Sally!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: No, but he should be home soon.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh, listen, this is important. Tell him to meet me at the TV studio
|
|
with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her.</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: Is this for your comedy routine?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: (Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective) I'm on the case.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry makes a face of doubt as he hangs up)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: George's old bedroom]</p>
|
|
<p>(The same pool game is going on. The Maestro is putting his pants on)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: (Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get some air. (Slowly leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His stick jams into the window
|
|
as he draws back) See? This is no good.. (Looks around the room. His sights
|
|
fall on the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton. (Chalks it up) I got a hunch,
|
|
fat man, I can't miss. (Measures up his shot) 13 in the side pocket. (Does
|
|
just that) Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other side of the board, judging
|
|
his next move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in) This table's mine. (A series
|
|
of Kramer's plays are displayed, and, on the last ball of the game..)
|
|
You know where it's going..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: The Charles Grodin Show dressing room]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine enters)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE AND JERRY: Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Is George here?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting in one of the room's chairs.
|
|
Whispers) The other guy.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine gasps. Smiling, she walks over to him)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh, I'm such a huge fan of yours.
|
|
Would you mind signing this poster for me?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRERAS: My pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine unravels her poster)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (As he is signing) Oh, thank you so much. (He finishes. Elaine
|
|
gives out a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. (Tries to read his signature)
|
|
Camaro. (Carreras gives her a look as he is getting up) Mr. Casea? (He
|
|
walks off as Elaine rolls the picture back up. Jerry gives his "That's
|
|
a shame" face) Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna take this to
|
|
the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Joking around) Well, that's one hell of a gig. (Turning around,
|
|
he picks up a box labeled "Ori-dent") Hey, look, I got something
|
|
for you. The Ori-dent!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts the gift) Huh.. (Struggles
|
|
under the size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come in such a big box?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, you know, needs lots of
|
|
packaging.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Still trying to get a grasp on the package) How am I supposed
|
|
to carry this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry taking his pants off)
|
|
What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I want to sit down.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. It keeps a crease in
|
|
the pants. (Folds his pants over the head of a chair, then sits down in
|
|
another. When he sees Elaine's staring at him, he makes a "Tada!"
|
|
gesture with his hands. Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say "I'll
|
|
see ya.", and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: George's old bedroom]</p>
|
|
<p>(The game is over)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: (Making his exit, he lays the charm on Mrs. Costanza) Madame,
|
|
you have been an extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses her hand)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles to herself as the Maestro
|
|
leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (Holding up a picture) Here, take a look at this.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Looking at it) Yeah, what is it?</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: It's Carlo. I found him!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Handing the picture back) You've been cooped up in this room
|
|
too long.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (Yelling out) You never support me! Let's see what George says
|
|
about this.. Where're my pants? (Takes his pair off a rack and leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Taking his pair off, he inspects them) Aw, beautiful!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: The Charles Grodin Show dressing room]</p>
|
|
<p>(Sally walks in with a bag. Jerry's sitting without any pants on)</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's George?</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls out an extremely different
|
|
doll - this one resembles a baker) Tada!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking about - not funny! This
|
|
doll's much funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie, and a cute little hat..
|
|
I think it's a riot!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.</p>
|
|
<p>SALLY: Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the doll down, then crosses her
|
|
fingers) Don't screw up. (Leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>(View shifts over to Carreras. While eating some BBQ food he reaches
|
|
back for a towel to wipe his face. He happens upon Jerry's pants) Too
|
|
much sauce.. (Wipes his mouth)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: My pants!</p>
|
|
<p>(A stagehand enters)</p>
|
|
<p>STAGEHAND: Mr. Seinfeld, you're on.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: NYC street]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine's walking down with the poster and the box. A man exiting an
|
|
ice cream parlor almost runs into her. Scene cuts to her on the subway.
|
|
The man standing next to her is bumped, and his beverage spills all over
|
|
Elaine. Luckily, she held the poster up before it could be damaged. Scene
|
|
cuts to the Maestro's office)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Elaine? What a surprise.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I know you're very busy, but I just wanted to come by and give
|
|
you this.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Ohh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent - that electric toothbrush
|
|
I've heard so much about..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds out the poster) this.</p>
|
|
<p>(The Maestro takes the poster, dramatically rolling the rubber band off.
|
|
He unravels the poster on his desk)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Ohh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed poster of my favorite
|
|
tenor, with.. those two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this is magnifico!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what happened in Tuscany..</p>
|
|
<p>STAGEHAND: (Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're on!</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Oh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert? We'll celebrate.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box, she knocks over a bottle
|
|
of wine. It spills all over the poster)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to the Maestro's concert. Various players are practicing
|
|
as he walks out. A round of applause sounds as the Maestro bows. Picking
|
|
up his bent baton, he addresses the orchestra. As he starts to instruct
|
|
the band, he stops when he finds out his baton is bent out of shape. He
|
|
turns and looks at the audience apologetically as the music fades to a
|
|
stop)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: George and Susan's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Susan's holding her doll defensively)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I want to know why you took my doll out of the house.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I just wanted a second opinion.</p>
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|
<p>(There's a knock at the door. George sighs, then answers it - it's Frank)</p>
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<p>FRANK: (Holding up the picture) Take a look at this. Doesn't that look
|
|
like my flesh and blood? Of course, your mother- (His attention is drawn
|
|
over to Susan's doll. Like George did earlier, he starts to imagine that
|
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the doll is scolding him as his wife would)</p>
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<p>DOLL: Oh, stop bothering everybody with that picture. It's ridiculous!</p>
|
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<p>FRANK: (Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?! I'll show you ridiculous!
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(Struggles with Susan for possession of the doll) Come here!</p>
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|
<p>SUSAN: (Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no!</p>
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<p>(Frank manages to get the doll from Susan. He twists the head clean off
|
|
the body)</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (Holding out the head in his hand, he addresses it) There! Now
|
|
what have you got to say for yourself?!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To Susan) I told you it looked like her..</p>
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|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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|
[Setting: A street in Tuscany]</p>
|
|
<p>(Frank meets up with a man sweeping the sidewalk - the man he believes
|
|
to be his cousin)</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo! It's me, Frank! (Attempts
|
|
to hug the guy, but he resists - pushing Frank away. He scolds Frank in
|
|
another language) I'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo?</p>
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|
<p>MAN: Carlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe.</p>
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|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>FRANK: (Realizing) What do you know.. Alright. (Picking up his present)
|
|
I guess I was wrong. (Walks off)</p>
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|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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|
<p>END OF SHOW.<br>
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</p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
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|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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|
}
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|
}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<!--
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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|
</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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