837 lines
41 KiB
HTML
837 lines
41 KiB
HTML
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<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Doodle </title>
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<h1>The Doodle</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld ( Himself)</p>
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<p>Julia Louis-Dreyfus ( Elaine)</p>
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<p>Michael Richards (Kramer)</p>
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<p>Jason Alexander (George)</p>
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<p>Len Lesser ( Uncle Leo)</p>
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<p>Barbey Martin (Morty)</p>
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<p>Liz Sheridan (Helen)</p>
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<p>Billye Ree Wallace [ Nana ]</p>
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<p>Christa Miller [ Paula ]</p>
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<p>Dana Wheeler-Nicholson [ Shelly ]</p>
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<p>Guy Siner [ Mandel ]</p>
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<p>Ellis E. Williams [ Karl ]</p>
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<p>Coby Turner [ Judy ]</p>
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<p>Wayne C. Dvorak [ Teacher ]</p>
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<p>Norman Brenner [ Passerby ] </p>
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<p>written by: Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer</p>
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<p>directed: Andy Ackerman </p>
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<p>Transcribed by Mohamel March 2000</p>
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<p>Opening Monologue</p>
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<p>Jerry: (word missing)....they call themselves exterminators but
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they can't really do it. The best they can do </p>
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<p>is get the bugs to somebody else's house. They just relocate them
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, y'know what I mean, they're bug </p>
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<p>realtors is what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll be happy
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here , there's a lotta crumbs not much light,</p>
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<p>ahmmm they usually sleep through the night, so you'll really have
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a (?) of the place. Nobody really cares</p>
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<p>about killing insects, even the animal rights people don't care.
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You could probably walk into an animal</p>
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<p>rights organization meeting and hear a speech like; The only way
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to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing</p>
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<p>on animals is ( slaps his face)...Ha! Got him , is to boycott these
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companies.</p>
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<p>George: Jerry it's funny , Paula and I actually met because of
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Elaine.</p>
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<p>Paula: Elaine is in my drawing class at the new school</p>
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<p>George: ..And I went down there one time to see...</p>
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<p>Jerry: (cuts in) A nude model.</p>
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<p>George: If Elaine wanted to get some coffee.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me
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see her naked. Hundreds of people see</p>
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<p>her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing.</p>
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<p>George: Are you through?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah!</p>
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<p>George: So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches
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and it turns out,they're Paula's.</p>
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<p>Paula: George, I just like to doodle</p>
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<p>Jerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated.</p>
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<p>George: Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!</p>
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<p>Jerry: What?</p>
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<p>George: What are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth ,
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she just spit them out.</p>
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<p>Jerry: (spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on
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these and put them on the plate?</p>
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<p>Shelly: Well I didn't know you were gonna eat them?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Soo...</p>
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<p>Shelly: I'm sorry you find me so repulsive?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly..</p>
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<p>Shelly: Yeah!</p>
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<p>Jerry: It's just...</p>
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<p>Shelly: Well, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think I'll just go to
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the ladies room.</p>
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<p>Paula: I'll join you.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food.</p>
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<p>George: Well I've done that.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, but with you it's intentional.</p>
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<p>George: Haven't you kissed her?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi
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digested food stuff. You know the next stop</p>
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<p>is the stomach and you can take it from there.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George stops a passing busboy</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at
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his reflection in a coffee pot.)</p>
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<p>Jerry; AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.</p>
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<p>George: This is dating , you can't leave anything to chance.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big
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deal about the pecan.</p>
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<p>George: Hehummm , Yeah!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Thanks.</p>
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<p>George: No problem.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>The girls return from the ladies room.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Shelly: Well Jerry , I guess we should get going .</p>
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<p>Jerry: Ah! boy.</p>
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<p>George: Well , it was very nice meeting you Shelly and Jerry be
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careful ,there's a lot of nuts out there.</p>
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<p>( to Paula) All right you have everything?</p>
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<p>Paula: Can you grab my purse.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper
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. he looks annoyed.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Monks , next day .George showing Jerry the piece of paper he picked
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up</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah! So</p>
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<p>George; Don't you see what this is?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah! It's a doodle.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose ,
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the ears, all my features are distorted.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature.</p>
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<p>George: I'm grotesque . I look like a troll.</p>
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<p>Jerry: It's just a drawing.</p>
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<p>George: Don't you see what this says? How can you possibly like
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somebody ,if you think they look like this?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine walks in</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: (gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! (angrily)</p>
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<p>Elaine: What is with him?</p>
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<p>Jerry: the usual</p>
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<p>Elaine: So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a
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job at Viking Press.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Good for you</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel,
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they got a two bedroom suite, there ,</p>
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<p>for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just
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so you could stay in a hotel room.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never
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stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.</p>
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<p>Elaine: ( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey. What's this.?. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Don't ask.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo </p>
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<p>Jerry: No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George comes back</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: It is..</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: You enjoying yourself? (More laughs from Elaine)</p>
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<p>Elaine: Sorry.</p>
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<p>George: You see. You see! Listen when is your next drawing class?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Tomorrow .</p>
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<p>George: All right, I want you to do me a favor.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What?</p>
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<p>George: I want you to find out is she likes me.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Find out if likes you?. What, are you in High School?...George
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come on can't you just talk to her yourself?</p>
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<p>George: But she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes
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me.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up
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to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming....</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry's apartment</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, they're in...</p>
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<p>Jerry: What's in?</p>
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<p>Kramer: The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW PEACHES!!!!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for
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two weeks a year..</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year
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for this.. Oooh this is fantastic..</p>
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<p>Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus in
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your mouth.....Take a taste</p>
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<p>Jerry: Nah, I don't wanna</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Kramer: Come on ,Just take a taste</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't want it..</p>
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<p>Kramer: Come on JUST TASTE!!!</p>
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<p>Jerry: I DON'T WANT IT ....</p>
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<p>Kramer: HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!</p>
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<p>Jerry: I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan
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last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Jerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief
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period. It's like the Aurora Borealis.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry scratches his ankle furiously</p>
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<p>Jerry: ..What is this?</p>
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<p>Kramer: What?</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Jerry: Yeah! I think I got flea bites.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Flea bites?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up.</p>
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<p>Kramer: You got a dog?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, that is strange.</p>
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<p>Jerry: How could I have fleas?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What did you do about them?</p>
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<p>Kramer: What do you mean?...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry's parents come through the door.</p>
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<p>Morty: Hey guys . Jerry . Kramer</p>
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<p>Helen: Hi Jerry......What's wrong?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Nothing...</p>
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<p>Helen: Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is it?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Mom, Dad.....I have fleas..</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine's drawing class</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out with George Costanza?</p>
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<p>Paula: How did you know??</p>
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<p>Elaine: Everybody knows. y'know George told me he thinks you're
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totally cute and everything.</p>
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<p>Paula: He said that?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Ha hum...Do you like George?</p>
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<p>Paula: Yeaaah! he's cool.</p>
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<p>Elaine: No I mean...Do you like him or do you like him like him?</p>
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<p>Paula: Like like.. looks aren't important to me ,you know?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Teacher: Miss Benes , Are you chewing gum?</p>
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<p>Elaine: (nods) HumHummmm.... </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher turns
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around she makes a throwing up</p>
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<p>motion at Paula .</p>
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<p>Later at jerry's</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Karl: Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. You've got a full
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outbreak of fleas on your hands.</p>
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<p>jerry: I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog.</p>
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<p>Karl: I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't understand this..</p>
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<p>Karl: I 'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog
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it. That's the only way to get rid of them.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in
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town.</p>
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<p>Karl: Well , unless you want to kill them. They can't stay in here.
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This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my</p>
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<p>stuff, it's in the truck.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Okay..</p>
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<p>Elaine comes in</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hi....???</p>
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<p>Jerry; Bug guy.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Why do you have a bug guy?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I have fleas.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on
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the couch) How did you get fleas?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment
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for two days. I don't know what I'm </p>
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<p>gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel
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and if they go to someplace on their</p>
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<p>own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have
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you checked in The Plaza yet?</p>
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<p>Elaine: No....Oh No....</p>
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<p>Jerry: Come on,c'mon </p>
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<p>Elaine: No, No...</p>
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<p>Jerry: c'mon ,c'mon....</p>
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<p>Elaine: No, No...</p>
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<p>Jerry: c'mon, c'mon....</p>
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<p>Elaine: No, No....Yesss!!!!!!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yes!!!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Door buzzer</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yes!!!</p>
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<p>George: yeah!</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well what about you. Where you gonna stay?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be
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upset from the masticated pecan incident.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet
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he'll be relieved.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way
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Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to</p>
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<p>my parents. They brought it with 'em.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah that's just some stuff about the company.</p>
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<p>George: Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk to Paula?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So what did she say?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: She...likes you..</p>
|
|
<p>George: She said she liked me. No kiddin' she said that?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Ya!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Those were her exact words, I like George.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yep!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get
|
|
myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: For nothing..</p>
|
|
<p>George: ha Ha..</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: In fact she said that looks aren't even that important
|
|
to her...</p>
|
|
<p>George: You see.....WHAT!!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Ah Oh!!</p>
|
|
<p>George: She said looks aren't important to her?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She said....</p>
|
|
<p>George: She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry; You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people
|
|
out there walking around, but they don't know they're</p>
|
|
<p>ugly, because nobody actually tells them.</p>
|
|
<p>George: .....So what's your point?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I dunno...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Okay.. The point , George, is she likes you.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was
|
|
good looking....At least I can get somebody else.</p>
|
|
<p>(scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching?</p>
|
|
<p>jerry: That'd be the fleas.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>At the Plaza Hotel</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey!!!</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Hey! I do you like this? Huh, huh!</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Oh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too nice.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Hey! This is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey! look
|
|
, Macadamian nuts.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Macadamian nuts?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Hey! You know what these cost, they're like 80 cents a nut.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen; Jerry, are you sure this all right?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah! it's all taken care of.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: ( from the other room) Hey!!! They got a phone in the john
|
|
here.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Outside Elaine's building</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Judy .</p>
|
|
<p>judy: Hey!!!!.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hi, Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press
|
|
.</p>
|
|
<p>Judy: It is my pleasure , just make sure you give that manuscript
|
|
a good read.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Manuscript?</p>
|
|
<p>Judy: Yeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript. They want to
|
|
see that you can read</p>
|
|
<p>an unpublished work and give insightful criticism. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oooh!!</p>
|
|
<p>Judy: Read it twice if you have to. This is a big step in your
|
|
career.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go..</p>
|
|
<p>Judy: Hey! What about lunch?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: (she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Catches up with Jerry on the street.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Thank god I found you..</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh! Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You still got that Fedex?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go
|
|
in there it's being fumigated.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat
|
|
and head back to his place)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says "Fumigation
|
|
Do not enter"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You see?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jerry , I need that Fedex right now..</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I told you to take it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had
|
|
to read...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer comes out of the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Toxic gas!!!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple
|
|
of minutes.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: An hour and a half!!! I was reading a manuscript, I just
|
|
couldn't put it down.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: My manuscript?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How do you feel?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Now that you mention it , a little woozy.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Kramer You got go back in there grab my manuscript.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'm not going back in there!!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: all right then, where is it??</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I left it on the coffee table or somethin'</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well wh..wh.what are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I'm going in .</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Didn't you see the sign on the door?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in
|
|
while you're with a girl.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters.
|
|
She goes to the coffee</p>
|
|
<p>table then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk
|
|
then the dinner table.</p>
|
|
<p>She runs out of air so she has to rush out.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: ( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is
|
|
it?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom , the kitchen...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Okay... bathroom....kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Can you get me a soda?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Elaine goes back in</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. I got to get
|
|
out of the building.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine searches the kitchen , then the couch cushions and gives
|
|
up.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: (again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you
|
|
get fleas anyway?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know. Who could've been in my apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all
|
|
I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers.</p>
|
|
<p>I couldn't....</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that
|
|
left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!!</p>
|
|
<p>I've got him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Newman's door . Jerry knocks</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: There's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the
|
|
crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it..</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I
|
|
, give you fleas. Now if you don't mind...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your
|
|
little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman</p>
|
|
<p>is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry
|
|
turns around)</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state
|
|
of disrepair. Maybe you live in</p>
|
|
<p>squaller.(?)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate
|
|
the skin and they start to...itch.</p>
|
|
<p>Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or
|
|
twenty but after a while, no matter</p>
|
|
<p>how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because
|
|
they're crawling , crawling on your skin.</p>
|
|
<p>Up your legs , up your spine , up your back.....</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: (Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm
|
|
ripped with fleas ( scratches</p>
|
|
<p>furiously)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Plaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Oh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy charges a hundred
|
|
bucks an hour but I'm telling ya</p>
|
|
<p>he's worth every penny OOOOHH!</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: I'm next.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Hey! Leo, get this, four movies at once; Pay Per View.</p>
|
|
<p>Leo: I love these nuts.</p>
|
|
<p>Nana: This Champagne's gone flat. ( throws her glass over her shoulder)</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Nana!!!</p>
|
|
<p>Nana: He Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean it up</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>On the street in front of a flower shop</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Hello..</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: What's the matter?...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well I spoke to Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: Hey! Look , no shave.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No...Why should that make any difference to you?</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: It doesn't..</p>
|
|
<p>George: Of course not. You don't care what I look like.</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: That's right I don't.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and
|
|
walk around like this and you wouldn't care?</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: Not a wit.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd
|
|
be wearing sneakers and jeans and that</p>
|
|
<p>would be fine too.</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: You can wear sweatpants.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I could..</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: (seductively) You could drape yourself in velvet, for all
|
|
I care.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Velvet...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Monks</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh! yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Huh . So What's it about?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled
|
|
enthusiasm.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: unbridled enthusiasm...?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh! boy.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might
|
|
say a cockeyed optimist,</p>
|
|
<p>who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy
|
|
and international intrigue.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh! my God.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: ah! Here we go.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: (to the waitress) can I have a scotch on the rocks.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: May I..( pointing her food)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: (feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: what is this?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting her food)</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I can't taste this.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: This food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...(
|
|
realizes) It must be the toxic gas</p>
|
|
<p>from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>At Shelley's</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here.</p>
|
|
<p>Shelley: Well, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think
|
|
it'd be a problem.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: ( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..</p>
|
|
<p>Shelley: What's the matter?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I forgot my toothbrush.</p>
|
|
<p>Shelley: Oh! no problem.....You can use mine.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll brush later.</p>
|
|
<p>Shelley: Brush now.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the
|
|
toothbrush)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw..</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: What for, you got your own.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( takes his peach).....Nothin'
|
|
, Can't even taste a Macanaw.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: ( resumes eating) Well that's a shame.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Waited all year and I can't even taste it..</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em . Why not give them
|
|
all to me.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>At Viking Press.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's a story about love , deception ,greed , lust and....
|
|
unbridled enthusiasm .</p>
|
|
<p>Mandel: Unbridled enthusiasm.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's what led to...(throath
|
|
clearing) Billy Mumphrey's downfall.</p>
|
|
<p>Mandel: hmmm...interesting take. So you believe, has he not been
|
|
so enthusiastic he could have adverted</p>
|
|
<p>disaster.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see ,Billy Mumphrey was
|
|
a simple country boy. Some might say a</p>
|
|
<p>cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world
|
|
diplomacy and International intrigue.</p>
|
|
<p>Mandel: So.. It was more a question of attitude than politics..</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yes, yes Mr. Mandel.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Plaza Hotel</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Hey! Under Siege is on again. Whose up for it?</p>
|
|
<p>Leo: No more nuts. Awrghh.....</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Monks. George walks in wearing velvet.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... Don't tell me.......Velvet!!!</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's the real deal.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She's seen you in this thing.</p>
|
|
<p>George: That's right...We just had sex......You know Jerry I've
|
|
been searching for someone a long time.</p>
|
|
<p>Well the search is over.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.</p>
|
|
<p>George: He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ahh! She threw me out.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I wouldn't use her toothbrush.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So where are you staying?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>At Viking again.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Mandel: Three hours of massage time , twelve in-room movies including
|
|
several adult features, five shoe</p>
|
|
<p>shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention
|
|
the damage to the room.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my my friend had fleas.
|
|
I ran into the gas , it could have killed</p>
|
|
<p>me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only
|
|
good for two weeks.</p>
|
|
<p>Mandel: I think , you've read, one too many, Billy Mumphrey stories.
|
|
Good day Miss Benes.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Okay...Good day..</p>
|
|
<p>Monks again.George comes in eating a Macanaw peach.</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: Hi George.</p>
|
|
<p>George: ( mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( puts the pit in the
|
|
a plate)D'you ever had a Macanaw peach?</p>
|
|
<p>Paula: Oh! yeah I love those.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Too bad , it's all done. </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Paula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in
|
|
disbelief , then disgust.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: ya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste again. ( to a
|
|
passerby) Hey! What's the date today?</p>
|
|
<p>Passerby: The fifteenth.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. I can still
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
make it. Wait.. Newman...</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Sorry , last one . Would you want to suck the pit?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: ( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the mailman. You remember
|
|
the mailman don't you.</p>
|
|
<p>( unleashes a dog)</p>
|
|
<p>Dog proceeds to chase after Newman</p>
|
|
<p>Finally at The Plaza Hotel</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: ( knocks) Hello is anybody here?..</p>
|
|
<p>Leo: They said they were sending an Asian woman.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh! my God.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>End
|
|
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<!--
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
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window.location = locationstring;
|
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
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</div>
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</div>
|
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
|
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
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}
|
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</script>
|
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<script type="text/javascript">
|
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
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})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
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