1598 lines
58 KiB
HTML
1598 lines
58 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Doorman</h1>
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Transcribed by Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness <br>
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<br>
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Episode Number: 104<br>
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Original Air Date: February 23, 1995<br>
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<br>
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Written by: Tom Gammill & Max Pross<br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman<br>
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<br>
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Recurring Cast:<br>
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Estelle Harris (Estelle Costanza)<br>
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Jerry Stiller (Frank Costanza)<br>
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Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt)<br>
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<br>
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Guest Cast:<br>
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Larry Miller (Doorman)<br>
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Patrick Cronin (Farkus)<br>
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Reni Santoni (Poppie)<br>
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Edith Fields (Mrs. Payton)<br>
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Nick Jameson (Horst)<br>
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Jack Betts (Mr. Green)<br>
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Barbara Pilavin (German Woman)<br>
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Toni Sawyer (Tenant #1)<br>
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Nigel Gibbs (Tenant #2)<br>
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Deck McKenzie (Delivery Man)<br>
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Trudi Forristal (Buxom Woman)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Nightclub]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry's standup act.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: You remember a few years ago in New York, we had the doorman strike?
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They<br>
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have a union, in the fancy buildings, and they went out on strike. Now
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you would<br>
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think, if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would
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be<br>
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like without them, it would be doormen. (as belligerent doorman) "Let's
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see how<br>
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they do without us!" There's no doorman, people open the door, they
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walk in,<br>
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it's... you know. Who's gonna walk out next? The guys who clean your windshield<br>
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at the traffic light, with the dirty rag? (as window washer) "We
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demand shorter<br>
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yellows, and longer reds!"<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators. A doorman,
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stood<br>
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reading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone to the
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doorman's<br>
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voice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace.<br>
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<br>
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DOORMAN: Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns to Jerry) May I help you?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: (indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine
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Benes.<br>
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<br>
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DOORMAN: (unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward Jerry) No-one here by
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that<br>
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name.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt.<br>
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<br>
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DOORMAN: Oh. House-sitting, mmm.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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DOORMAN: What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Can I just go up?<br>
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<br>
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DOORMAN: Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman?
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I<br>
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should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.<br>
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<br>
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The doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes the
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button<br>
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for one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it to arrive.
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The<br>
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doorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the unfriendly
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smile on<br>
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his face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator is still
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not<br>
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moving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: How 'bout those Knicks?<br>
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<br>
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DOORMAN: Oh, I see. On the sports page...<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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DOORMAN: ...What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page?
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Oh, I<br>
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know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the elevator
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will come<br>
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and rescue him.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Street]<br>
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<br>
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George and Kramer walk along together.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: So, you think your parents'll get back together?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes
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this<br>
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kasha, it stinks up the whole house.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with a German
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flag<br>
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painted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front of George
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and<br>
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brings them to a halt.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Hey, George, stick 'em up.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: What?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Why?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw
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a real<br>
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New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.<br>
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<br>
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|
Kramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm, giving the<br>
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impression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat.<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Awright, hands up, porky!<br>
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<br>
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On the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They look out
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|
the<br>
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window at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer is feeling
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through<br>
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George's pockets with his free hand.<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy!<br>
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<br>
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|
The tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on the glass.
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|
Kramer<br>
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|
grabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: (aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?!<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: Alright, that's enough.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: I'll tell you when it's enough! (he releases George) Alright,
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|
now you<br>
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|
better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've witnessed.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
[Mr. Pitt's Apartment]<br>
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<br>
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|
Elaine admits Jerry to the apartment.<br>
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|
<br>
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ELAINE: Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go.<br>
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<br>
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|
Elaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: What guy?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What
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time does<br>
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|
he get off?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary<br>
|
|
noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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|
JERRY: Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (unhappy) I...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: We'll still make the movie.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: (accepting) Okay, okay.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously look at
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their<br>
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|
watches.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
[George's Apartment]<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is in a shirt,<br>
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|
mixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What'd you do today, dad?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich Village. I bought this
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|
record,<br>
|
|
but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: I don't have a hi-fi.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
FRANK: Didn't I give you my old record player?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to Cosmo.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
FRANK: Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: I'm Cosmo.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
FRANK: Well, I want it back. I wanna listen to that cha-cha record.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (coming back in) Alright, alright. Can we go out and eat?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (putting down the bowl) Lemme change my shirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank unfastens
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|
his<br>
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|
shirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso exposed
|
|
as the<br>
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|
shirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George looks horrified,<br>
|
|
and puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
[Mr. Pitt's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window, holding
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|
the<br>
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|
curtain open and looking down at the street.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves to answer
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|
it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, don't...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine looks exasperated.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (quietly) Give that to me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT: (concerned) Elaine, are you having a party?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry is peering out of the window again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, he just left. We can go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT: (stern) Because there's to be no entertaining while I'm gone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Believe me, we're not entertained. We were just leaving. (to Jerry)
|
|
Oh,<br>
|
|
can you grab those empty bottles for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by the desk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT: I need to know what's in the mail.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait. We're
|
|
trying<br>
|
|
to catch a movie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT: (resolute) Well, you better catch the later show, because I
|
|
need to<br>
|
|
know what's in the mail.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There is a new
|
|
doorman on<br>
|
|
duty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the door open
|
|
for him.<br>
|
|
Jerry nods and smiles back, and leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
[Mr. Pitt's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread out
|
|
on the<br>
|
|
floor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's benefit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: ...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new People...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT (O.C.): (piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands a familiar<br>
|
|
figure. The doorman still has the attitude problem.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: Hey, buddy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building<br>
|
|
too?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the
|
|
table<br>
|
|
for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, isn't
|
|
it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come
|
|
home and<br>
|
|
stand outside your own building?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: You got a problem with that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk
|
|
to you.<br>
|
|
Goodbye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: (calling after Jerry) You really think you're better than me,
|
|
don't<br>
|
|
you?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George is wearing
|
|
a<br>
|
|
purple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks as if
|
|
he might<br>
|
|
never want to eat again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: My father opened his shirt...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, and?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (matter of fact) He had breasts.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on eating.
|
|
Jerry<br>
|
|
thinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What d'you mean, breasts?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (waves his hands) Big breasts!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So what? A lot of older men have that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No, not these. These were real hooters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry pulls a face at the thought.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying
|
|
Game.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like
|
|
father<br>
|
|
like son?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: But, your father's not bald.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
your<br>
|
|
grandfather.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry. He continues
|
|
to<br>
|
|
look deeply worried.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging<br>
|
|
around. He should wear something for support.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You mean like a bra?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment<br>
|
|
specifically designed for men.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making her way
|
|
to the<br>
|
|
door, as she passes the booth she notices George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BUXOM WOMAN: (indicating her shirt with her finger) Hey, we're twins.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (thinking she means the breasts) What!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BUXOM WOMAN: Our shirts. They're the same.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, Huh, imagine that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over to Jerry.
|
|
She's<br>
|
|
not happy about something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What? Nothing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and
|
|
started<br>
|
|
harassing him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do
|
|
to him?<br>
|
|
'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hey, did you make the movie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when
|
|
I come by?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yes, we do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George is holding
|
|
the<br>
|
|
neck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the garment
|
|
at his<br>
|
|
chest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body, to see
|
|
if<br>
|
|
there's any movement.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What is wrong with George?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He's... trying to get something off his chest.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his wallet
|
|
to pay the<br>
|
|
cheque.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (agitated) Alright, I gotta try and talk my mother into taking
|
|
him off<br>
|
|
my hands.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman standing<br>
|
|
inside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: Help you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed
|
|
to be<br>
|
|
gone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had some personal
|
|
affairs to<br>
|
|
attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each other.
|
|
We don't<br>
|
|
stab each other in the back, like people in your world.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I
|
|
don't have<br>
|
|
a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them.
|
|
I'd<br>
|
|
really just like to be friends.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: You wanna be friends?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'd like to be.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: Then watch the door for a minute, would you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the counter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: It's not brain surgery. You open the door for people who live
|
|
here.<br>
|
|
And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his hat) Here.<br>
|
|
(putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which he's not
|
|
thrilled<br>
|
|
about wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator open,
|
|
and a<br>
|
|
young woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit. After
|
|
a second,<br>
|
|
Jerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door to allow
|
|
the woman<br>
|
|
to leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past Jerry into
|
|
the<br>
|
|
elevator vacated by the woman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. Wait a second. Hey! Hello!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street door opens
|
|
and<br>
|
|
another, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. GREEN: (indignant) Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty
|
|
years.<br>
|
|
Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you
|
|
arrested.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the building,
|
|
but he<br>
|
|
looks resentful about it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (after the guy) You think you're better than me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Bus]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street, it
|
|
rattles,<br>
|
|
shakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport. George
|
|
is<br>
|
|
strap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might be some<br>
|
|
movement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices another
|
|
guy<br>
|
|
on the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his coat tight
|
|
shut,<br>
|
|
and crosses his arms firmly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper.
|
|
A FedEx<br>
|
|
delivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and scans a
|
|
barcode<br>
|
|
on it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches,<br>
|
|
disinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits for something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DELIVERY GUY: (indicating) You have to sign for it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then goes back
|
|
to the<br>
|
|
newspaper.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DELIVERY GUY: (with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude. Jerry
|
|
puts<br>
|
|
the paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's no sign
|
|
of the<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
doorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing it with
|
|
a wave of<br>
|
|
the hand as he moves to the elevator.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable record
|
|
player.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey. I uh, brought back your record player, huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Thank you, Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (indicating a chair) Put it over there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the couch,
|
|
not moving<br>
|
|
very easily.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: So, how you feeling?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Tired.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Uh huh. Your back hurt?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: How did you know?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, it's obvious, you know. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage
|
|
up<br>
|
|
there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (looks down, and indicates his chest) Up here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) Listen, Frank, have you
|
|
ever<br>
|
|
considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. (reaches
|
|
into his<br>
|
|
pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated fabric.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: You want me to wear a bra?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No, no. A bra is for ladies.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer holds the garment up to his own chest.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Meet, the bro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Estelle's Car]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Estelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: So, is your father excited about coming home?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is miles away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: George?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (broaching a subject) Hey mom. What kind of woman was grandma?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, you know. You get to a certain point, you wanna know about
|
|
your<br>
|
|
roots.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: She was a lovely woman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yuh. What about physically?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Physically?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look like?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Well, you've seen pictures.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (to himself) You can't tell much from those pictures.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: So what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Big? No, just my height.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Bosomy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother was bosomy?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (trying to laugh it off) No, I was just wondering. The information
|
|
could<br>
|
|
be relevant.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Where do you get your genes from?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (to himself) That's what I'd like to know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Elevator, Mr. Pitt's Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Jerry ride down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I can't believe you left your post.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He left me there. You see the mind games?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants standing<br>
|
|
around, and a uniformed cop taking notes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (to one of the tenants) Hey, what's up? What's going on here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TENANT 1: Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine look shocked.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TENANT 2: Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player. Frank and
|
|
Kramer<br>
|
|
are half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer stands
|
|
behind<br>
|
|
Frank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and George and
|
|
Estelle<br>
|
|
enter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and look stunned.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: (shocked) Oh, my god!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind a relatively<br>
|
|
unfazed Frank.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's red
|
|
dress,<br>
|
|
give a very noirish look to the scene.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What were you doing watching the door anyway?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He asked me to. We were getting along.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman<br>
|
|
knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell
|
|
Mr.<br>
|
|
Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets
|
|
stolen?<br>
|
|
Maybe he's setting me up!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think.
|
|
I gotta<br>
|
|
think. We gotta get our story straight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, well what if we say...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em.
|
|
You came<br>
|
|
to pick me up...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I came to pick you up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah. That's what I just said.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I know. I was just...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, well. Just, start again, then.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Okay, you came to pick me up at...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You see? Again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What? I said right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
JERRY: But the doorman's gonna say that I was there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: But I don't know if this is gonna work.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story.
|
|
We'll be<br>
|
|
fine. Let me do the talking!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Good. Now fix me a drink.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank has his shirt back on, over the bro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: How's that feel?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: This feels very comfortable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You see?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: I feel ten years younger.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. Look at you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank walks a few paces.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: And I can breathe easier, too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now,
|
|
you have<br>
|
|
a friend in the bra business, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (claps his hands) Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be
|
|
me, you<br>
|
|
and the bro, bro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Let's do it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Except, we gotta do something about the name.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Why, what's wrong with bro?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: No, bro's no good. Too ethnic.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Alright, you got something better?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: How 'bout uh... the mansiere?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Mansiere?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: That's right. A brassiere for a man. The mansiere, get it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (upset) Well, you've scared her off. We may never see mom again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Hey George, what d'you like better? The bro, or the mansiere?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George looks down at the floor for a few seconds.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Dad. We need to talk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs. Payton.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: I had to use the bathroom, so I asked this guy to watch the door
|
|
for a<br>
|
|
few minutes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Behind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls to the elevator.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS. PAYTON: Why should I believe you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: (indicating Elaine) Actually, it was her friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk to her. Elaine<br>
|
|
looks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS. PAYTON: I was just speaking to the doorman here, about the couch
|
|
robbery.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The doorman peers over at the conversing<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the
|
|
doorman<br>
|
|
say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS. PAYTON: He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination,<br>
|
|
doesn't he?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Meanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter. He
|
|
brings<br>
|
|
out the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward Mrs. Payton.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: Well... what do we have here? Perhaps Miss Benes could explain
|
|
why a<br>
|
|
Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to Mrs. Payton)
|
|
at<br>
|
|
the exact same time the couch was stolen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks sick, as
|
|
she's<br>
|
|
caught out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (in a rush) He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't
|
|
know<br>
|
|
how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't
|
|
know<br>
|
|
how to do anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet smile of
|
|
triumph.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up.
|
|
He's<br>
|
|
playing all these mindgames.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an animated
|
|
Elaine<br>
|
|
facing them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You're saying I'm responsible for the couch?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal<br>
|
|
Express slip with your signature on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me
|
|
up from<br>
|
|
day one!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Is it possible we were victims of a sting?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry stares off, as he imagines...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Imagination]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand around the<br>
|
|
unpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN 2: So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch the couch?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: No. I was just messing with his head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN 2: And they think they're better than us?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The doormen whoop it up again<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Anyway, Jerry... Jerry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry snaps back to the here and now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: We have to replace the couch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Now we have to buy a new couch?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A thought occurs to George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you
|
|
gave me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The one with the Poppie stain?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father will have no place to sleep.<br>
|
|
(snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: But it's got a pee-stain on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, the cushion's turned over.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (not sure) I guess.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. I get rid of my father.
|
|
It<br>
|
|
couldn't be more perfect!<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Sid Farkus' Office]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer and Frank.
|
|
Kramer<br>
|
|
is holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Now, it's called the bro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Or, the mansiere.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, but I prefer the bro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: I like mansiere.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer puts the bro on the desk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: Well, I have to tell you, it's a very interesting idea.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: You know, selling bras exclusively to women, we're really only
|
|
utilising<br>
|
|
fifty percent of the market.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (to Kramer) That's what we figured, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (to Frank) I told you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: And, to be perfectly frank, I've always felt I could use some
|
|
support. I<br>
|
|
know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead in Banlon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: (indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you see in the back? Hooks?
|
|
Velcro?<br>
|
|
What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Uh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Definitely velcro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Farkus gives a questioning look to Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Say you're getting intimate with a woman uh, you don't want her
|
|
fumbling<br>
|
|
and struggling back there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The three of them chuckle at the thought.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I think we've all experienced that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They share a manly laugh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: Summer nights.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The laughter continues for a moment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (pointing at Farkus) Very funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: Well, I still have to talk about this to Mr. Degrunmont...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Of course, yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: ...But, barring any unforeseen developments, gentlemen, I think
|
|
we're<br>
|
|
sitting on a winner.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Farkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype and
|
|
moves<br>
|
|
toward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: (sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how sorry I am to hear about
|
|
you and<br>
|
|
Estelle separating.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in the past. I'm ready to move
|
|
on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: (thoughtful) I've always been very fond of Estelle. Beautiful
|
|
woman. I<br>
|
|
uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would it be okay
|
|
with<br>
|
|
you, if I were to ask her out?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (anger) You wanna go out with my wife?! (rage) Where do you get
|
|
the nerve<br>
|
|
to ask me something like that?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer tries to calm Frank down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: I know what you're saying, and I know what you're thinking!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FARKUS: No, Frank...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business with this guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm him down'
|
|
look and<br>
|
|
follows Frank out the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (O.C.): Frank!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a suitcase.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Jerry took the couch back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: He took it back? Didn't you tell him I was using it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, I pleaded with him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Where am I supposed to sleep?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. (gleeful) Mom's
|
|
coming<br>
|
|
to get you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George waves at Kramer to shut the hell up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: What stain?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George bites his lip and shakes his head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (disbelief) You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (light) No. No, no, no. The cushion was turned over.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (anger) But, the very idea. you had me lying in urine!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Ah! There's mom, there's mom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George races over and opens the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Is it safe to come in?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to enter) Of course.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: You're not having any of your transvestite parties?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Will you stop it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: (to Kramer) I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him
|
|
trying on<br>
|
|
my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out the record
|
|
player.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Here, Cosmo...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: ...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it over) I don't need it now...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Awright, I got it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: ...I got one at home.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming from his
|
|
face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Alright, let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer opens the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: We'll go out for dinner tonight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: I can't tonight, I'm busy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: What d'you mean, busy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: I'm having dinner with someone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: With whom?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Sid Farkus.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: (anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having dinner with a bra salesman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready to help
|
|
carry<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
them out to the car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ESTELLE: Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't wear 'em.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank sits down in a chair. George's face drops.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (upset) But you can't stay here. There's no place to sleep!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: We'll work something out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George drops the cases in disappointment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer comes around
|
|
the<br>
|
|
corner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman, one
|
|
of the<br>
|
|
witnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he passes.
|
|
She climbs<br>
|
|
out of the bus and points after Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GERMAN WOMAN: Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after him. He
|
|
turns<br>
|
|
back and continues walking. The other German tourists get off the bus
|
|
and join<br>
|
|
the woman as she follows Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GERMAN WOMAN: Stop that man! It's him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player, pushing
|
|
past<br>
|
|
bystanders as the tourists close on him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GERMAN WOMAN: Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop, it's him. I know,
|
|
I know.<br>
|
|
Help. Stop him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's trapped
|
|
by the<br>
|
|
tourists, who block his escape.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HORST: Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player is not yours.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Now, look. Somebody gave it to me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HORST: You're a thief. We have proof.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Horst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HORST: What is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He holds it
|
|
up<br>
|
|
against his body, to illustrate his words.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: The first upper-body support undergarment, specifically designed
|
|
for<br>
|
|
men.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
One of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the shoulder
|
|
at<br>
|
|
Kramer's explanation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HORST: How does it connect in the back? With a hook?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are all looking
|
|
much<br>
|
|
more jovial.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HORST: (to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct German) ...keine problem,
|
|
ah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and the portly
|
|
German<br>
|
|
holding the bro up to himself.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HORST: Is gut, ja?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby. Mrs.
|
|
Payton<br>
|
|
regards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as the delivery
|
|
men<br>
|
|
leave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS. PAYTON: Well, I suppose it'll have to do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: It's a beautiful couch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It's hardly been used.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives, and a
|
|
familiar<br>
|
|
character steps out and is noticed by Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Poppie!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Oh, hello, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What're you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Visiting my friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: Oh, much better, much better. The doctors say I cannot have no<br>
|
|
aggravation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hmm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just take it easy. See, if I
|
|
get<br>
|
|
excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated,
|
|
was in<br>
|
|
the restaurant. With your friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Poppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height. Jerry
|
|
nods,<br>
|
|
remembering and in sympathy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: She start the big fight, about abortion.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her approach,
|
|
and is<br>
|
|
not happy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: It's you! It's you!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Wha...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POPPIE: You! I... I gotta sit down!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Poppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, Poppie! No!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Poppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified expressions,
|
|
of<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[George's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying a small
|
|
bowl.<br>
|
|
George puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs into bed
|
|
whilst<br>
|
|
keeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank settles
|
|
back.<br>
|
|
Picking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when a thought
|
|
occurs.<br>
|
|
Carefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George a taste.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FRANK: Kasha?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have fallen onto
|
|
the<br>
|
|
bedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's bowl.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No. Thanks, dad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Wearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches off
|
|
his<br>
|
|
bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles down beneath
|
|
the<br>
|
|
bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches on his bedside
|
|
lamp.<br>
|
|
Exasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own face,
|
|
as Frank<br>
|
|
continues to eat his kasha.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[END]</p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p
|
|
align="center"> </p>
|
|
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|
|
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|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
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|
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<div id="navBar">
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|
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|
<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
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<script type="text/javascript"
|
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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|
//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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|
<!--
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|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
|
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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|
</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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