1134 lines
41 KiB
HTML
1134 lines
41 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Fatigues</h1>
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<p>[Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)]<br>
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<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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Written by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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Episode no. 140<br>
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pc: 806, season 8, episode 6<br>
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Broadcast date: October 31, 1996<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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The Cast<br>
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<br>
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Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars:<br>
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<br>
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Joseph Urla...................... Dugan<br>
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Ned Bellamy...................... Eddie<br>
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A.J. Langer...................... Abby<br>
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Katie Layman..................... Cynthia<br>
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Eddie Allen...................... Doctor<br>
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Gwen McGee....................... Janine<br>
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Lynn Manning..................... Blind Man<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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First scene.<br>
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Jerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant.<br>
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<br>
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Woman: Well I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found
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that so<br>
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limiting.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other
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day. <br>
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He was with Brant-Leland for a while.<br>
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<br>
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Woman: Wow. Well then my mentor suggested that I move into equities, best
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move<br>
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I ever made.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Mentor? You mean your boss.<br>
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<br>
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Woman: Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken
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me<br>
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under her wing.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.<br>
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<br>
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Woman: And I'm her protg. You must have someone like that. You know,
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who<br>
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guides you in your career path.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene.<br>
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George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.<br>
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<br>
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George: I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yes. And the mentor advises the protg.<br>
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<br>
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George: Is there any money involved?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: No.<br>
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<br>
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George: So what's in it for the mentor?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Respect, admiration, prestige.<br>
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<br>
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George: Pssh. Would the protg pick up stuff for the mentor?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I suppose if it was on the protg's way to the mentor, they might.<br>
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<br>
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George: Laundry? Dry cleaning?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: It's not a valet, it's a protg.<br>
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<br>
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George: Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I
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do this<br>
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here? I can't concentrate in my apartment.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry (checking out George's textbook): Risk management?<br>
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<br>
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George: Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give
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a<br>
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lecture in their area of business expertise.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Well what makes them think you're a risk management expert?<br>
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<br>
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George: I guess it's on my resume.<br>
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<br>
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The phone rings, Jerry answers.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hello?<br>
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<br>
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Voice: Please hold for Elaine Benes.<br>
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<br>
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George: You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books
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on<br>
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tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has *my*
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voice. <br>
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I hate my voice.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: So get this book on tape.<br>
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<br>
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George: You can't, it's a textbook.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Am I going? It was three nights ago.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I
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was so<br>
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excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Oh, it was a lovely affair.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Wait a minute; this postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens
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all<br>
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the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?<br>
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<br>
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Jeanine: Eddie Sherman.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Alright, send him up here.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: You gonna do a little yelling?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I'm gonna do a little firing.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break.<br>
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<br>
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|
Jerry gets a dial tone and hangs up; he looks over at George who has nodded
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off<br>
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|
with the book in his lap. Jerry picks up a peanut and tosses it at George,<br>
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|
hitting him in the glasses and waking him up.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Hey, Copernicus?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
New scene.<br>
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|
Elaine's office.<br>
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|
<br>
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Jeanine: Eddie Sherman is here.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Oh, great. Send him in.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Eddie Sherman walks in dressed in full military fatigues. He speaks in
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|
a raspy<br>
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|
voice.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Eddie: You wanted to see me?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have
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|
to...<br>
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|
promote you.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: So, what did you say?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell
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him<br>
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something important. So I promoted him.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: What? What did you--<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Copywriter.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: He's writing copy?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally
|
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churn<br>
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out.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Kramer walks in carrying a stack of flyers, he hands a few to Jerry and
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Elaine.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yowza yowza. Check it out.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Jerry (reading): Jewish singles night?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: I expect you both to be there.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: I'm not Jewish.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Well neither am I.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Well why are you going?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: I'm not, I'm running it.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: What are you talking about?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Lomez is Jewish?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Oh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (reading): At the Knights of Columbus?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So
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|
Jerry,<br>
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|
you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Kramer, you know, I--<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: No, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the food myself.<br>
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|
<br>
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Elaine (reading): A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies.<br>
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<br>
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|
Kramer: Do you like tsimmis?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Abby are being seated in a restaurant.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Abby: My mentor says the duck is outstanding here.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Jerry: I'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Oh! Look who's here, Cynthia!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cynthia: Hello, Abby.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Cynthia: Hi Jerry, nice to finally meet you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Well come join us, we could pull up a chair.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cynthia: Great, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry,
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|
you<br>
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|
night know him, he's a comic too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No kidding?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cynthia: Kenny Banya.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Banya?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Banya enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya: Hey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna join us for dinner? The
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|
duck<br>
|
|
here's the best. The best, Jerry.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George is on the subway, seated beside a blind man wearing headphones.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I noticed that you have a
|
|
textbook<br>
|
|
on tape. May I ask where you got that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man: Reading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man: Oh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Reading for the Blind?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging<br>
|
|
to the sweet sounds of risk management.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So, I finally met the mentor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What's she like? Impressive?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh yeah, she's dating Banya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Banya?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What did you have?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Chicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends
|
|
time<br>
|
|
with Banya?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Marsala?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Banya should
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|
be<br>
|
|
setting pins in a bowling alley.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (leaving): Alright, I got a test to fail.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, good luck with that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George opens the door to see Kramer and Frank leaving Kramer's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Dad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: What are you wearing, an athletic sweat suit?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George: What are you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You
|
|
know I<br>
|
|
got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred
|
|
and<br>
|
|
eighty-three people?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, you're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know<br>
|
|
anybody who can help me cook?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Cook? No, I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank storms out of the apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: What's the matter with him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: My dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened,<br>
|
|
ever since you can't get him near a kitchen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Shell-shocked?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh yeah, but that has nothing to do with it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine is wrapping up a meeting at Peterman's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: That's good work, guys. That aught to do it for today.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: Wait. You didn't ask me about my ideas.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, Eddie, well it's your first day.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: I'm ready.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie (reading): It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your<br>
|
|
knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't
|
|
be<br>
|
|
dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do,
|
|
I<br>
|
|
should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor and
|
|
he can<br>
|
|
sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George is taking an eye exam.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Nothing at all.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor: Well George, your vision is quite impaired. If you'll just sign
|
|
this<br>
|
|
insurance form, here's a pen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George reaches for the pen and grabs the Doctor's face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You're a very handsome man, by the way.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry walks into his apartment; there are pots and pans bubbling on the
|
|
stove.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What the hell is going on here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer comes running in holding a scalding pot full of dumplings, he drops
|
|
the<br>
|
|
pot into the sink and cools his burnt fingers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I
|
|
got<br>
|
|
kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, I don't want to.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Eat, eat! You're skin and bones.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry gabs a fork and tastes a piece.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, this is awful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer bites into one and spits it out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Did you follow the recipe?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: The recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a
|
|
hundred<br>
|
|
and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It tastes like dirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I
|
|
got no<br>
|
|
skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got
|
|
no<br>
|
|
sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Kramer, you can't talk to Frank.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: No I gotta talk to him, I know that he can help me, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby walks in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: I think there's a dead animal in the elevator.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: My stuffed cabbage!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer runs out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: So, great dinner last night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, it was alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Banya Saturday and then
|
|
catch his<br>
|
|
act.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No. No, no way, no Banya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine.
|
|
<br>
|
|
He's a punk, a patsy, a hack.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Cynthia would not date a hack.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Would. Does. Is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine is chairing a meeting at Peterman's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Before we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman
|
|
is no<br>
|
|
longer writing for this catalog.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There are general remarks of relief from the meeting attendees.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He's upstairs, I made him Director of Corporate Development.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Employee: You promoted him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, no, I would hardly--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Employee: I bust my hump ever day.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Relax--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Employee: As far as I'm concerned, you and your deranged protg can run
|
|
the<br>
|
|
catalog by yourselves! I quit!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
What follows is a chorus of "me too"s and "I'm with him"s
|
|
as everybody walks<br>
|
|
out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, hey? Hey. Hey!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George is in his office at Yankee stadium, he pushes 'play' on a cassette<br>
|
|
recorder. The voice on the tape sounds exactly like George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Chapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk.
|
|
<br>
|
|
How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: This guy sounds just like me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: To understand risk, we must first define risk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: This is horrible.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Risk is defined as--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (banging the recorder): Stop it! Stop it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kramer is at Frank's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: C'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: In my mind, there's a war still going on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Inchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging<br>
|
|
hash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply lines were
|
|
getting<br>
|
|
thin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six hundred pounds
|
|
of<br>
|
|
prime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was three
|
|
weeks<br>
|
|
past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just the right<br>
|
|
spices, cooked it long enough...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: What happened?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: I went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around<br>
|
|
me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my
|
|
own men<br>
|
|
to the latrines that night. They were just boys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time
|
|
for<br>
|
|
everyone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home.
|
|
Well<br>
|
|
he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet.
|
|
Had to<br>
|
|
sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you.
|
|
This is<br>
|
|
your chance to make it all right again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: No. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house!!
|
|
Get<br>
|
|
out. Go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Abby are in Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So you saw Banya's act?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't
|
|
take it<br>
|
|
anymore.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and
|
|
I think<br>
|
|
it's over.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No more mentor?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Looks that way.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well at least you and I are okay again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Actually I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each
|
|
other<br>
|
|
for a while.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Well I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's just weird for me not
|
|
to<br>
|
|
have an advisor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I can tell you what to do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: No, it's more than that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I can tell you what to think.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: I need someone I can trust.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George busts in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Kind of in the middle of something here, George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George shuts up and relaxes on the couch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: George?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: I gotta run anyway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: I just need someone who can give me some kind of direction. I'll
|
|
see ya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, see ya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby leaves and George gets up and runs out the door after her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What's your problem.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George runs back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No problem.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George runs away again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Eddie Sherman are alone in the office working on writing copy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: Hey, I think I got something here. The Bengalese Galoshes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie (reading): It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking
|
|
in a<br>
|
|
skull.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for womenswear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: Well, I'm not married to it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine. Oh. Well, um, in that case why don't we take the phrase, "kicking
|
|
in a<br>
|
|
skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like,
|
|
what, like<br>
|
|
"strolling through a dewy meadow"?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: Dewy meadow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Frank and Estelle are in their kitchen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Estelle: Here's your omelet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: It's dry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Estelle: That's the way I always make it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Well it sucks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Estelle: What did you say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your<br>
|
|
eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Estelle: Well that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around
|
|
here!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Not any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm back, baby!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George and Abby are at George's office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: And you're sure with your busy schedule you'd have time to take
|
|
on a<br>
|
|
protg?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'll make time, because Abby, I was once like you; wide-eyed,
|
|
naive, I<br>
|
|
didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: I'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'll tell you what, why don't you read this book and let's just
|
|
see if<br>
|
|
you can explain it to me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry runs into Banya on a street corner.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya: Hey Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, hey Banya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya: Didja hear what happened? The mentor saw my act. She dumped me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, that's too bad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya: Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack. I'm the absolute
|
|
worst. <br>
|
|
The worst, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got
|
|
that<br>
|
|
Bosco bit then you got your Nestl's Quik bit, by the time you get to
|
|
Ovaltine--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya: You think you can give me a hand with my material?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Frank is knocking on Kramer's door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: You still need a cook?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh yeah, come on in, Frank.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Ya got T-Fal?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Keflon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: No! Follow me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry is reviewing material with Banya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya (reading): Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar
|
|
is<br>
|
|
round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine is reviewing copy with Eddie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel" and "scar
|
|
tissue" with "string of<br>
|
|
pearls" and "raspberry scones".<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Abby are at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: George Costanza is your mentor?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Yeah, he's great! I am learning so much.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby places her risk management folder on the table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: You know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the<br>
|
|
mentor/mentor relationship.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: As a matter of fact, I happen to have a protg of my own.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Jerry places his Banya folder on the table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Who?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: A Mister Kenneth Banya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Banya?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby: Huh, well, I don't think I want to date a mentor whose protg is
|
|
a hack.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Abby picks up a folder and puts it in her bag.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, I don't think I want to date a protg whose mentor is a
|
|
Costanza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Eddie are sharing chocolate shakes at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry
|
|
between<br>
|
|
us, we turned out one hell of a catalog.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: Cool.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Hey Ed, let me ask you something. What's with the fatigues and
|
|
all the<br>
|
|
psychotic imagery? Huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: I don't want to talk about it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Come on, don't be a baby.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: I went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she
|
|
really<br>
|
|
liked me, and then things kind of cooled off.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: That's it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: Well it's tough meeting somebody you like, let alone somebody Jewish.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
"Jewish Singles Night".<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Mm. This food is fantastic.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Have you tried the hamentashen?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I can't get off the kishkas.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya: Hey Jerry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Banya?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya: I just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you
|
|
wrote<br>
|
|
for me? It's killer!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Risk management?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banya: Aw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all these corporate gigs and
|
|
even<br>
|
|
Cynthia took me back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to a woman talking with Eddie Sherman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Woman: So you went from the mailroom to the director of corporate development<br>
|
|
in two days?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: That's right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Woman: How much are they paying you? I'll double it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Kramer and Frank behind a table loaded with 'Jewish delicacies'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Ya know these latkes are going like hotcakes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Where's the powdered sugar?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: No breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Eddie breaking the news to Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You're quitting?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eddie: I can't churn out that pointless drivel any more.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, you can't quit, you're all I've got. I need you!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine grabs Eddie by the lapels and shakes him, Eddie chokes on a piece
|
|
of<br>
|
|
bread. Frank sees this and flashes back to Korea. He runs around the room<br>
|
|
knocking plates to the floor and when Kramer tries to stop him, he heads
|
|
to the<br>
|
|
loaded down table and starts to tip it over. The scene ends in mid-tip.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George is prepared to give his speech at the Yankees meeting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Our next speaker is George Costanza on the subject of risk management.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George steps up and opens his folder.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George flips through a few pages.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: They should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Wilhelm (proudly, to the man seated beside him): He's my protg.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frank: Noooo!!! Don't eat it! No good!"<br>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
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|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
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|
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<div id="navBar">
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|
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<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
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|
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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|
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<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
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|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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