1809 lines
66 KiB
HTML
1809 lines
66 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Friars Club</h1>
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<p align="center"><br>
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Transcribed by Mark Brockbank <br>
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
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<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small></p>
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<p><br>
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7.18 "The Friars Club (a.k.a. The Gypsies)"<br>
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<br>
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Episode Number: 128<br>
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Original Air Date: March 07, 1996<br>
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<br>
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Written by: David Mandel<br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman<br>
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<br>
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Recurring Cast:<br>
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Heidi Swedberg (Susan)<br>
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John O'Hurley (J Peterman)<br>
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Phil Morris (Jackie Chiles)<br>
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<br>
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Guest Cast:<br>
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Rob Schneider (Bob)<br>
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Pat Cooper (Himself)<br>
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Samantha Smith (II) (Hallie)<br>
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Lisa Kushell (Connie)<br>
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Robert Martin Robinson (Maitre 'd)<br>
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Norman Large (Detective)<br>
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Peggy Lane (Waitress)<br>
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The Flying Karamazov Brothers (The Flying Sandos Brothers)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Nightclub]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry's opening monologue.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: The other thing I love is when you're in the middle of a dream,
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and<br>
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the alarm goes off. You incorporate the sound of the alarm into the dream,
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so<br>
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you can keep sleeping. And you'll make any adjustment in the dream to
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do it.<br>
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I was with Marie Antoinette in a dream last night, and she was on the<br>
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guillotine, the blade came down, her head fell into the basket, it rolled<br>
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over and she started singing Neil Diamond's 'Solitary Man'. And, I thought,<br>
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"That is not my alarm going off. This is actually happening."<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Street, New York]<br>
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<br>
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An elated George leaps around the corner, kicking a cab's door closed
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and<br>
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clapping his hands together.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (joyful) June. It's June.<br>
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<br>
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George begins trotting down the street. He acknowledges a passerby and<br>
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high-fives him.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (high-fiving) Hey!<br>
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<br>
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George continues his joyful path along the sidewalk, with his hands raised<br>
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above his head in celebration.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: It's June. <br>
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<br>
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George takes the hand of a female passerby and dances a few steps with
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her,<br>
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twirling her round.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: June, June, June.<br>
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<br>
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Releasing the woman, George euphorically prances along, laughing and smiling.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June, June.<br>
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<br>
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George leaps onto the footing of a streetlight and spins on it, in<br>
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time-honoured musical fashion.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes.<br>
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<br>
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George leaps from the streetlight onto the road, where he spreads his
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arms<br>
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and spins.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune!<br>
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<br>
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A car brakes behind George and sounds its horn. George flinches, and jigs<br>
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nervously out from in front of the automobile and back to the pavement.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
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<br>
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George pushes open the door and enters, still ebullient. He punches the
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air<br>
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as he looks to Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: June. Juune, baby!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: What?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: The catering hall screwed up. The wedding is delayed until June.
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It's<br>
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like a stay of execution.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Dead man walking.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) Ha-ha-hah. This is my
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lucky<br>
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day.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's not bad.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, good news for you too. Susan's<br>
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best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: She did?<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: So? Wheels?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: In motion. The wheels are in motion.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Beautiful.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works out, forget about it.<br>
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Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's almost
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as good<br>
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as if I didn't get married.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: So, set it up. You know what, we could have dinner at the Friars
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Club.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: The Friars Club?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper said he would put me
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up for<br>
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membership.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer opens the door and leans in.<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, do me a favour, will you?
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|
I got<br>
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|
a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty<br>
|
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minutes, alright?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Catnap?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. I been reading
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|
this<br>
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|
book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (deadpan) That must be some book.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes
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|
every<br>
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|
three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, that I'm
|
|
awake<br>
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|
per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have
|
|
lived<br>
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|
the equivalent of a hundred and five years.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer heads for the door.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: I didn't know you had a hopper.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer exits, closing the door behind him.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
[Conference Room, J. Peterman]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
A number of executives are seated round a table, with J Peterman at the
|
|
head<br>
|
|
of the table.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: Alright, people, I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well-met<br>
|
|
good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business Affairs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Peterman indicates a guy sitting next to Elaine. The other executives
|
|
give<br>
|
|
Bob some quiet applause, which he acknowledges with a slight wave.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
BOB: Thanks. Hi everybody.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
PETERMAN: Bob, we have a little baptism by fire for you, so to speak.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine leans over to the guy sitting on the other side of her from Bob.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: (whispers) Poor bastard.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
PETERMAN: (to Bob) I want you to handle all the fact-checking and the<br>
|
|
copy-editing for the new catalogue.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Bob looks blank and fiddles with something behind his ear.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
BOB: Ah, could you repeat that?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
PETERMAN: (slower and louder) Why don't you handle all the copy-editing?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Bob pulls a face and points to indicate all is not well with his hearing.<br>
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|
<br>
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BOB: (apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
PETERMAN: (louder still) Copy-editing!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Peterman sees he's not getting through to Bob, and gives up.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
PETERMAN: Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine, you do it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine does a double-take at hearing this, looking dismayed. Bob has a<br>
|
|
hearing aid out of his ear and manipulates it before slipping it back
|
|
in.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
[Friars Club Lobby]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry, George, Susan, and Hallie stand before the maitre d' of the rather<br>
|
|
fancy Friars Club. Jerry has no jacket<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made a reservation for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen are required to wear<br>
|
|
jackets in the dining room.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY: (downcast) Oh, I'm sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
HALLIE: (smiling) How embarrassing this must be for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY: (jocular) You just bought your own dinner.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
George, Susan and Hallie laugh at his little joke.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': No problem. Please, follow me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The maitre d' strides away, Jerry follows.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny? Funny guy. Ha ha ha.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A couple of people walk by, George raises a hand in greeting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Friars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry returns, wearing a blazer, with a crest on the breast pocket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I kinda like this little thing
|
|
here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George, Susan and Hallie, all make positive noises and comments. The maitre<br>
|
|
d' comes up behind Jerry and motions them to enter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': This way please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hup, here we go. Here we go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The four of them walk on into the restaurant, with George bringing up
|
|
the<br>
|
|
rear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Friars Club Restaurant]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie, sit round a table, eating. They're engage
|
|
in<br>
|
|
at least two separate conversations - Jerry with George and Susan with<br>
|
|
Hallie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you, I can coach for the NFL.
|
|
It's<br>
|
|
not that hard<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry looks scornfully at George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: (to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points to her plate) taste this
|
|
fish.<br>
|
|
It's really delicious.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Hallie spears a morsel from Susan's plate and eats it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to George) That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to George) I mean, come on. (a thought occurs) No, the stupidest<br>
|
|
thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is
|
|
the<br>
|
|
same guy from *Seals and Croft*.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: (to Susan) Mmm, it is good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: (to Hallie) What do you think about having fish for the wedding?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (to Jerry) You watch the old videos. (insistent) I'm telling you,<br>
|
|
look at him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: (to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct) wedding?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, come on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Look...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The four continue chatting happily.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is asleep on Jerry's couch. Jerry enters, wearing a long coat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (looking at Kramer) This is nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry slams the door and Kramer jerks awake.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, morning.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Morning?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry removes his coat, to reveal he's wearing the crested jacket from
|
|
the<br>
|
|
Friars Club.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, what time is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (looks at watch) Ten-thirty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) I got the whole night<br>
|
|
ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer passes Jerry on his way to the kitchen. Jerry looks downwards at
|
|
his<br>
|
|
attire.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. I forgot to give it back.
|
|
It<br>
|
|
belongs to the Friars Club.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer has a bowl on the counter and fetches a box of cereal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes cereal into the bowl) Alright,<br>
|
|
here we go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Breakfast?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important meal of the day.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I
|
|
have<br>
|
|
never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to
|
|
this<br>
|
|
idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves only
|
|
peanut<br>
|
|
butter and jelly. (clicks tongue)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What d'you call it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: P B and J's. What d'you think?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (deadpan) I think you need more sleep.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (dismissive) Ahh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer picks up his bowl of cereal and heads for the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So, how'd your date work out with the mysterious Connie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer stops, with the door open, and turns back to Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
KRAMER: I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave
|
|
the<br>
|
|
apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, now you're being ridiculous.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (laughing) He he, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer begins to exit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, I'll be back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer leaves and closes the door behind him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Elaine's Office, J. Peterman]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
It's late at night, and her's is the only light on in the building. Elaine<br>
|
|
sits at a computer, typing away at the keyboard. She's surrounded by piles
|
|
of<br>
|
|
paperwork, which she rummages through. She sighs, frustrated at being
|
|
saddled<br>
|
|
with all this work.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
It's night, and Jerry lies in bed asleep. Kramer enters the room quietly
|
|
and<br>
|
|
sits on the edge of Jerry's bed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (quietly) Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (quietly) Hey Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry still doesn't wake.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry snaps awake, sitting up and recoiling from the figure on his bed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (startled) Kramer!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You awake?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (confused) Wha..? What time is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: W...It's four.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (aghast) Four in the morning?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, what's wrong with you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I'm bored. I got all this free time on my hands, I dunno what
|
|
to do.<br>
|
|
You wanna do something?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No. Would you just get out?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You wanna rent a movie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, what am I gonna do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Elaine's Office, J. Peterman]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks over to Elaine, who is working at her computer. She has a<br>
|
|
sandwich and a diet soda on her desk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ready for lunch?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (irked) I'm stuck here, editing the stupid catalogue, because
|
|
of<br>
|
|
stupid Bob Grossberg.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry pulls a face, helps himself to a sandwich and sits down, as Elaine<br>
|
|
turns to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Listen, there is something really suspicious about this guy. Every<br>
|
|
time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear,
|
|
and it<br>
|
|
all gets dumped on me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You think he's faking?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I don't know. But I'd like to try that earpiece on, see if it's
|
|
real.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob leans around the open door to speak.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BOB: Hey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you have a friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry waves a finger in greeting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BOB: (to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob makes to depart, but stops as Elaine speaks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped here. You think you could
|
|
give<br>
|
|
me a hand with some of the catalogue?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BOB: (cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm sorry. What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine leans toward Bob.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob smiles, and holds his tie, as if he's been complimented on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BOB: Thank you. I'm having lunch with Mr P. I better get going.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob smiles, gives Elaine a wink and leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Did you see that? Did you see that, Jerry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That was him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Somehow I thought he'd be taller.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright, listen, we'll have to do this again some other time,
|
|
okay? I<br>
|
|
got a lotta work to do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (standing) Alright, I'll see you later.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine turns back to her computer. Jerry heads out the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Peterman Bathroom]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob stands at the urinal. Jerry opens the door and enters the room. He
|
|
sees<br>
|
|
Bob, and wonders about something. Jerry slowly crosses the room until
|
|
he's<br>
|
|
standing about three feet behind Bob.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, Bob.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob continues to use the urinal, without reaction.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Bob.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Still no reaction.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, Bobby, over here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob continues his necessary business.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Bob. Oh, Bob.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Still nothing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (louder) Bob!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob finishes what he has to do, and half-turns to find Jerry behind him.<br>
|
|
Jerry feigns innocence, Bob completes his zipping up whilst faced away
|
|
from<br>
|
|
Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BOB: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Bob give embarrassed acknowledgement smiles.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Elaine's Office, J. Peterman]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine types away at her computer. Jerry enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (urgent whisper) Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry closes the door behind him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (makes an irked noise)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I was just in the bathroom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (really doesn't want to know) Okay, Jerry, please, please. I'm
|
|
really<br>
|
|
busy here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, I kinda tried to test his hearing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine stands and slaps Jerry on the chest with a bundle of papers.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Get out! What'd you do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see
|
|
if he<br>
|
|
could hear me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (hopeful) And?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, he flinched, sort of.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It mighta been on the
|
|
zip up,<br>
|
|
I dunno.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So you don't know anything?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Actually, no.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (sarcasm) Alright, good job.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine goes back to work. Jerry leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry sits, reading a paper, at the table. There is a knock at the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Come in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The door slowly opens wide enough for George to lean into the room. He's<br>
|
|
smiling, looks at Jerry and raises his eyebrows quizzically. Jerry smiles<br>
|
|
back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (entering) Last night, huh? Was that something, or was that<br>
|
|
something?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That was something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Ah. She's great, isn't she?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I told you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm nuts about her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You think she could be an 'it'? Could she be an 'it'?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: She could be an 'it'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (claps hands triumphantly) We might have an 'it'!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: She's got 'it' written all over her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: She's got everything, right? (counts on his fingers) She's<br>
|
|
intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk to her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, she's smart. You take my word for it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Whatever.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they
|
|
always<br>
|
|
like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That doesn't sound right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No. So, tonight she's got tickets for that show she's been working<br>
|
|
on. The Flying Sandos Brother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Flying Sandos. Beautiful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Great. Seven-thirty, alright?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Walk me down to the Friars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry goes into the bedroom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty apartment in my building.
|
|
If<br>
|
|
you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry reenters looking confused.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It's not here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's gotta be here somewhere.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters, rubbing his eyes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, boy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry is looking around for the jacket, lifting cushions, etc.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. wakeup call last night.<br>
|
|
(frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, the one with the crest.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, well, that's at the cleaners.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The cleaners? How did it get there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night and it got a little dirty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (irritated) Great.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile
|
|
of<br>
|
|
garbage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty minutes sleep in three days!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, so, look, the cleaner said you could pick it up tonight
|
|
at six.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright. I just hope I can get it to the Friars Club before the
|
|
show.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Won't be a problem...(mumbles)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer has closed his eyes and fallen asleep while leaning on the counter
|
|
in<br>
|
|
Jerry's kitchen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to Kramer) Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer does not respond.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (louder) Hey!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer snaps awake with a jerk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Watch out, boy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Bob's Office, J. Peterman]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob is working at his desk, with his back to the door. Elaine arrives
|
|
and<br>
|
|
stands in the doorway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Can you give us a hand with some of these boxes, Bob?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob continues to muse over some of the work in front of him, giving no
|
|
sign<br>
|
|
of knowing Elaine is there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Bob!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob still doesn't react to Elaine. Elaine takes a couple of steps into
|
|
Bob's<br>
|
|
office, and decides to try a different tactic.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You turn me on...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As Elaine speaks, Peterman walks past the open door. Hearing Elaine's
|
|
voice,<br>
|
|
his attention is caught. He stops to listen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: ...so much. You're so damn...sexy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Peterman watches and listens, surprised.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Peterman decides he should withdraw, and he leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting through? Bob?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob continues to be oblivious to Elaine. Elaine pulls a pensive face and<br>
|
|
leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George, Susan and Hallie sit in a box overlooking the stage (just like
|
|
the<br>
|
|
two guys in the Muppets). There's an empty seat beside Hallie. George
|
|
is<br>
|
|
making small talk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: Well, they perform all over. Europe mostly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry arrives, wearing the crested jacket.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Sorry, sorry I'm late.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE/SUSAN: Hey!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry takes the vacant seat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have to return it after the show.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry on the shoulders) How about<br>
|
|
these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lively music begins and the Flying Sandos Brothers bound onto the stage
|
|
to<br>
|
|
applause from the auditorium. Jerry and his friends all join in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer sits on his couch with Connie, who is playfully toying with the
|
|
collar<br>
|
|
on his shirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: Mmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here with you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Connie leans in and begins to kiss Kramer's neck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business, huh? I'm all a-twitter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Sandos Brothers are on stage performing a juggling act with glasses,<br>
|
|
trays and bottle. It ends with them pouring drinks and toasting the audience.<br>
|
|
The audience applaud appreciatively.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Sandos Brothers launch into the next part of their act. One brother<br>
|
|
climbs onto the shoulders of another and is carried to the edge of the
|
|
stage,<br>
|
|
where he climbs from the shoulders into the box containing Jerry, George,<br>
|
|
Susan and Hallie. The audience applaud.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: How would you kind people like to lend a hand with our
|
|
next<br>
|
|
trick?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (smiling) I don't think so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: Please, take off your jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: My jacket?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: Yes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd) What do you say,<br>
|
|
ladies and gentlemen?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The rest of the audience cheer and clap.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: (to Jerry) Can't argue with that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: C'mon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Do it. Come on, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Give him the jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (giving in) Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry shrugs out of the jacket, to the applause of friends and audience.
|
|
He<br>
|
|
hands it to the Sandos Brother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: And now, we say the magic word. (gestures with his hand)<br>
|
|
Agrabah! And we make it disappear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As he finishes his speech, he tosses the jacket out of the box and into
|
|
the<br>
|
|
audience. The audience clap, as do George, Susan and Hallie. Jerry peers
|
|
over<br>
|
|
the edge of the box, after the jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Connie lies on the couch, underneath Kramer. She strokes the side of his
|
|
head<br>
|
|
with her fingers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo. Oh Cosmo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is oddly unresponsive.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move a little, this hurts.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer makes no reply.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (worried) Cosmo?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Connie pushes at Kramer to try and move him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Connie heaves harder at Kramer, but he's still not moving or replying.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: Cosmo?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Connie lifts Kramer's head and looks at his face, which is completely
|
|
slack<br>
|
|
and expressionless.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's dead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Panicky, Connie tries again to lift Kramer enough to get out, but is unable<br>
|
|
to move his inert bulk. She reaches across to the table and grabs the
|
|
handset<br>
|
|
of the phone. Quickly, she dials a number and puts the phone to her ear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie. You gotta help me. Some
|
|
guy<br>
|
|
dropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos Joey
|
|
might<br>
|
|
find out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Theatre, Backstage]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry leads George and the girls up to a door marked 'Dressing Room 3'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: This is very exciting. The inner sanctum.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry knocks on the door. It's opened after a second, by one of the Sandos<br>
|
|
Brothers who looks at Jerry, questioningly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. You threw my jacket down.
|
|
I just<br>
|
|
wanted to pick it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 2: Jacket? What jacket?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (explaining) I had a jacket with a crest on it. You came into the<br>
|
|
audience, you threw it away. Agrabah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 2: A..are you sure it was me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, it was either you or one of your brothers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry looks past to where another couple of Sandos Brother are still<br>
|
|
changing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 2: Well, two of them have left already.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Sandos Brother at the door turns to the other two an rattles off a<br>
|
|
question in some foreign language. The other two speak to each other and<br>
|
|
reply to the question, also in a foreign tongue, but clearly they don't
|
|
know<br>
|
|
anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 2: (shaking his head apologetically) No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the Friars Club.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 2: Sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Sandos Brother closes the door, smiling.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (cynical) I'm sure it won't.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's gonna get the jacket back.<br>
|
|
(claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Aww, that's too bad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, we'll do it another time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: (bright) George, we'll go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George doesn't look like the prospect of coffee alone with Susan is something<br>
|
|
he relishes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Susan sit either side of a table, with coffee. There's a definite<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
lack of sparkling conversation. George forces a smile at Susan. There's
|
|
a<br>
|
|
long pause, broken only by Susan sighing. George finally thinks of something<br>
|
|
to say.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Oh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: So, what colour?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Brown.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Susan nods her comprehension, as George muses for a moment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Maybe a black.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Mmm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The waitress walks by the table with the coffee pot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WAITRESS: More coffee?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The waitress pulls the check from her pocket and puts it on the table
|
|
for<br>
|
|
George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Hallway Outside Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As Jerry walks up to his door, Kramer's door opens and two guys emerge<br>
|
|
carrying a large body-shaped object wrapped in fabric. They carry it away<br>
|
|
down the hall.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (looking after the guys) That nut is always up to something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry shakes his head at Kramer's antics as he enters his apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[A Lonely Stretch Of Road On The Banks Of The Hudson]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
It is night. A large black car squeals to a stop beside the river. The
|
|
two<br>
|
|
guys we just saw leave Kramer's apartment climb out of the car. They open
|
|
the<br>
|
|
trunk and haul out the wrapped object they were carrying. They lug it
|
|
to the<br>
|
|
rail at the edge of the road, and heave it over the edge. It splashes
|
|
into<br>
|
|
the river and begins to sink. The two guys quickly close the trunk of
|
|
the car<br>
|
|
and climb back in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Beneath The Hudson River]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The object sinks down into the water. Suddenly, the contents begin to
|
|
squirm<br>
|
|
and jump. The outline of a human body can be seen within the fabric. The
|
|
top<br>
|
|
of the wrappings opens and Kramer emerges. He looks around, wide-eyed,
|
|
and<br>
|
|
would scream with shock, were he not underwater. He kicks his legs and
|
|
swims<br>
|
|
toward the surface.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[The Hudson River]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer breaks the surface with a splutter. He looks round, panicky and<br>
|
|
confused.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer looks to one side, where he sees a large ferry bearing down on
|
|
him. He<br>
|
|
turns and begins swimming away from the vessel.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: AAH! AAGH!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Elaine's Office, J. Peterman]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is working away, when Peterman enters behind her. He's carrying
|
|
a<br>
|
|
couple of bits of card.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: Elaine. I think I've been working you a little too hard, lately.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Peterman sits on the edge of Elaine's desk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (shrugging it off) Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: So, I have two tickets for you (holds up the bits of card) to
|
|
the<br>
|
|
Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (pleased) Ah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: It is a real hoot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So you and Bob can knock off
|
|
a<br>
|
|
little early, so you both can get ready.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine looks confused. Peterman begins to leave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Mr Peterman, you...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: (interrupting) There's no need to deny it, Elaine. I heard every<br>
|
|
word you said.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine realises what Peterman overheard.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: And I know you wouldn't be just having fun with his handicap.<br>
|
|
(staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry is on the phone, as George enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down and talk to 'em. Okay, bye.
|
|
(to<br>
|
|
George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna let
|
|
a<br>
|
|
jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me eight hundred<br>
|
|
dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry stalks about as George sits on the couch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that Sandos Brothers? They take<br>
|
|
your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan and I were thinking, uh,
|
|
dinner<br>
|
|
at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (worried) Why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned off.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (standing) C'mon, what're you talking about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You're soured?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, I'm soured.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Don't be soured.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm sorry. I'm soured.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (animated) What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so
|
|
well.<br>
|
|
Where is all this coming from?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, you know, frankly, I don't think she was too concerned about
|
|
my<br>
|
|
jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (animated) What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She
|
|
said<br>
|
|
she was gonna get it back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (indifferent) Yeah, we'll see.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (worked up) Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason<br>
|
|
to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'll try and de-sour.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour.<br>
|
|
You have to sweeten too!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I wanna get it back when we were the Gatsbys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I still don't know what that means.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (neither does he) Yeah, well.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The door opens and Kramer enters, fully dressed but soaked to the skin.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: God.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (astonished) Oh god! What happened to you?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
KRAMER: (animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Who?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (shouts) Connie!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What'd she do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I don't know! (building to a shout) But I woke up in the Hudson
|
|
river<br>
|
|
in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and I'm calling
|
|
the<br>
|
|
cops.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (bewildered) Why would she try and kill you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She doesn't want anybody else
|
|
to<br>
|
|
have me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer moves to leave, but walks into the door with a loud thud.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (to door) Gah!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer stomps away to his own apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Friars Club Lobby]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George stand where they dealt with the maitre d' on their previous<br>
|
|
visit. As they wait, they're people-watching.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, there's uncle Milty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (pleased) Yeah, it is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (pointing) And there's David Steinberg.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: The comedian, or the manager?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The manager.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George looks unimpressed. Pat Cooper comes walking toward Jerry and George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls) Hey, Pat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAT: Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you?
|
|
Are<br>
|
|
you a kleptomaniac, or what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I forgot to take it off.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAT: (dubious) You forgot to take it off? Oh, you go into a department
|
|
store,<br>
|
|
you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some sort of an<br>
|
|
idiot?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAT: Where's the jacket?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, one of the gypsies took it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAT: (skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it! Of course, New York has a lot
|
|
of<br>
|
|
gypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAT: (probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer? Are you in showbusiness?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, I uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAT: (interrupting) Then what am I talking to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry,<br>
|
|
bring the jacket back tomorrow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Pat Cooper walks away from the guys. Jerry motions for George to leave
|
|
with<br>
|
|
him. George looks round and sees something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Over at one of the tables, the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's jacket
|
|
is<br>
|
|
entertaining some other guests. He's wearing a familiar crested jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't that the guy from the show?<br>
|
|
He's..he's wearing the jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: God, you're right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George walk into the Friars Club, but within a couple of strides<br>
|
|
they are faced with the maitre d'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen, are you members?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I'm a prospective member.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Until then, (pointing) that's the way out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: But that guy has my jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': C'mon, let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The maitre d' shepherds Jerry and George out of the door, despite their<br>
|
|
continuing protests.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket that my friend is...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Come on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Come on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: If I could talk to the guy for just a sec...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are ejected from the Friars Club.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Bob sit in the same box used by Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie.<br>
|
|
Elaine looks distinctly unenthused at the prospect of spending the evening<br>
|
|
with Bob. Bob looks delighted to be ensconced with Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BOB: These seats are fantastic. It was really nice of Mr Peterman to give
|
|
us<br>
|
|
these tickets.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob slips one hand round the back of Elaine's seat and leans slightly
|
|
toward<br>
|
|
her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BOB: (smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private box here, don't we?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine looks at Bob, wondering what he's talking about. Bob dives across
|
|
at<br>
|
|
Elaine, putting his arms round her and his face on her chest.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop it. Stop it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine succeeds in heaving Bob away from her. She looks at him, angrily.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Get offa me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob stands for a few seconds, with Elaine glaring at him. Then he dives
|
|
in<br>
|
|
for another go. Elaine struggles with him again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing Bob back between the seats)<br>
|
|
Get a hold of yourself!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bob slowly gets to his feet. Elaine glares at him, and Bob shamefacedly<br>
|
|
shuffles away out of the box.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Theatre, Backstage]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George come round a corner in a dingy corridor at the theatre.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I dunno how that guy gave us the slip at the Friars Club.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I told you, he probably went out the back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Along the corridor comes the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's jacket. He
|
|
has a<br>
|
|
jacket slung over one shoulder. Jerry and George collide with him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ouf.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry recognises the guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's my Friars Club jacket!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: No, it is not. It is my jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Sandos Brother backs away from the advancing Jerry and George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, give it back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: No, it is not. This is mine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: C'mon I need it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry grabs hold of the jacket and begins a tug-of-war with it. George
|
|
joins<br>
|
|
in, trying to release the grip of the Sandos Brother. The door to 'Dressing<br>
|
|
Room 3' opens and Hallie emerges and watches the struggle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (determined) I wanna join. I need it to become a member.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Give 'im the jacket already!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd07 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Jerry and George succeed in taking the jacket. The Sandos Brother runs
|
|
away<br>
|
|
down the corridor, shouting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: (yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language) Azobar! Azobar<br>
|
|
disay!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What's he yelling about? They're stealing jackets here!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Can you believe it?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry looks at the jacket they took, and notices something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (examining) Hey George, you know what? I think this crest is<br>
|
|
different. It's got a moose on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Moose?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is the jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: No, it's not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Hallie reaches inside the door of Dressing Room 3 and pulls out a jacket
|
|
on a<br>
|
|
hanger.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: This is the jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George look mortified. Hallie brings the jacket over to Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ohh, you got the jacket back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Ohh, yeahh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (taking the jacket) Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: It got a little dirty, so they wanted to clean it before they
|
|
gave it<br>
|
|
back to you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (smiling) That is really nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: This is nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeahh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's call Susan, we'll go have<br>
|
|
coffee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HALLIE: (flat) I'll see you at the wedding.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Hallie walks away, leaving George's Gatsby ambitions in tatters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine sits alone in the box. Something on the floor catches her eye.
|
|
It's<br>
|
|
Bob's hearing-aid earpiece. Elaine picks it up, and it occurs to her that
|
|
she<br>
|
|
has the opportunity she wanted. She wipes the earpiece on the lapel of
|
|
her<br>
|
|
jacket and carefully slips it over her ear. Elaine cocks her head on one<br>
|
|
side, listening to see if it makes a difference.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Theatre, Backstage]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George walk along backstage. Jerry has his jacket, and George
|
|
is<br>
|
|
carrying the Sandos Brother's jacket, looking sullen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (moody) Great! Now she's sour!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Maybe she'll sweeten.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Behind Jerry and George, the Flying Sandos Brothers appear. They look
|
|
over<br>
|
|
toward Jerry and George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SANDOS BROTHER 1: (pointing) There they are!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Sandos Brothers set off running after Jerry and George. George hurriedly<br>
|
|
puts the jacket down on a table, as he and Jerry begin to hasten.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here for you!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George run away, as the Sandos Brothers advance.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is on the lead as he and Jerry reach a door marked 'Emergency Exit.<br>
|
|
Alarm will sound'. George pushes the door open and he and Jerry dart through.<br>
|
|
As they do, a loud alarm bell begins to ring.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is sitting wearing the earpiece when the alarm sounds. Obviously,
|
|
the<br>
|
|
earpiece works, as Elaine spasms in pain at the ringing. She clutches
|
|
her<br>
|
|
hands to her ears and jerks off her seat, falling out of sight onto the
|
|
floor<br>
|
|
of the box.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Hallway, Apartment Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer stands outside the door to an apartment, flanked by two other guys.<br>
|
|
One of the guys knocks at the door. After a few seconds, it is opened
|
|
by<br>
|
|
Connie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (pointing) That's her, officer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought you were...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes? I guess I woke up!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The detective shows his shield to Connie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DETECTIVE: You're under arrest for the attempted murder of Cosmo Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (defensive) I didn't do anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DETECTIVE: Get your coat, we gotta take you in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: Can I call my lawyer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DETECTIVE: Okay, go ahead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Connie goes back into her apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Connie's Apartment/Lawyer's Office]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (on phone) You gotta meet me at the police station. They're arresting<br>
|
|
me for attempted murder.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
On the phone in his office is Jackie Chiles.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JACKIE: Attempted murder? Of whom?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: This guy, Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JACKIE: Oh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONNIE: (surprised) Yeah, that's right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JACKIE: (adamant) I don't want nothing to do with it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jackie puts down his phone and looks glad to have escaped.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[End]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><br>
|
|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
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