1143 lines
50 KiB
HTML
1143 lines
50 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Junior Mints</h1>
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============================================================================</p>
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<p>Episode #417 </p>
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<p>Originally Aired: Thursday, March 18, 1993, 9:30PM</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Production Credits:</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Executive Producer ................... Andrew Scheinman</p>
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<p>Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Written By ........................... Andy Robin</p>
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<p>Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Cast:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)</p>
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<p>George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander</p>
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<p>Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Dreyfus</p>
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<p>Kramer ............................... Michael Richards</p>
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<p>With:</p>
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<p>Mystery Woman ........................ Susan Walters</p>
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<p>Roy .................................. Sherman Howard</p>
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<p>Doctor ............................... Victor Raider-Wexler</p>
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<p>===============================================================</p>
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<p>% Opening monologue (yes, I taped it this time!)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery.
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And you</p>
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<p>can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment.
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</p>
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<p>So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about
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</p>
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<p>committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once
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</p>
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<p>you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught,</p>
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<p>get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know</p>
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<p>some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating
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</p>
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<p>with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning
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</p>
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<p>to the robber next to you and goin' ``Alright, gimme everything
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you </p>
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<p>have, too''.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[End monologue -- Time 0:30]</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Jerry's apartment, Jerry's unloading groceries.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons
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and </p>
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<p>shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.</p>
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<p>George: So when're you gonna see her?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Tonight.</p>
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<p>George: What's her name?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I... don't... know...</p>
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<p>George: How could you not know her name?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something
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to do </p>
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<p>with a car, or a fish...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Jerry interrupts himself to pick up a pile of black driftwood
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on his</p>
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<p>% counter...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one*
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day...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Oops. My mistake. Guess those were bananas. Anybody know a good
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banana</p>
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<p>% bread recipe?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from
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the </p>
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<p>State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school</p>
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<p>back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the </p>
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<p>Lincoln Savings Bank.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, I did that too.</p>
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<p>George: You remember the, the little bank book, there?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Sure.</p>
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<p>George: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade,
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I </p>
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<p>completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks
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</p>
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<p>me down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900 </p>
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<p>dollars! They're sending me a cheque!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Wow!</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without
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</p>
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<p>doing anything...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Y'know I have friends who try to base their whole life on
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that </p>
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<p>principle.</p>
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<p>George: Really? Who?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Nobody you know...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why don't you put it in the *bank*?</p>
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<p>George: The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it.
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I wanna</p>
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<p>make a big score!</p>
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<p>Jerry: *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% The K-Man cometh... Jerry flips him a pack of dishwashing gloves
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he picked </p>
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<p>% up for him at the grocery store.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: What's with the gloves?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, I don't want
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to get my </p>
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<p>hands dirty...</p>
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<p>George: What, the whole apartment?</p>
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<p>Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper.
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I'm</p>
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<p>gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin.
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</p>
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<p>'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: What, you rented "Home Alone"?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I thought you saw that already...</p>
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<p>George: No, I saw "Home Alone II".</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, right... But you *hated* it!</p>
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<p>George: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way,
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do you </p>
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<p>mind if I watch it here?</p>
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<p>Jerry: What for?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not
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doing </p>
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<p>anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing </p>
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<p>something.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Y'know George, *I* have friends who base their life on *that*
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principle...</p>
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<p>% The brute comes back in wearing the gloves Jerry got him.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Kramer: I can't work with these!</p>
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<p>Jerry: What's wrong?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine
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touch*...</p>
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<p>Jerry: You said "gloves"...</p>
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<p>Kramer: No, no, these are too thick.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Kramer: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah. The *original*.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Elaine enters to a fanfare of "Woos" and applause from
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the studio </p>
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<p>% audience. I hate that. Did I mention I hate that?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey Boys-O!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Jerry and Kramer get up to leave, but there's been a change of
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plans...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Remember Roy, the artist?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Right, the "triangle" guy.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Exactly, the "triangle" guy.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was just a little
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too...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Artsy?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Fat.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh.</p>
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<p>Elaine: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.
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Anyway, </p>
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<p>he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should
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go </p>
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<p>visit him.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% The three of them agree, particularly since Kramer can seek out
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some of</p>
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<p>% those thin medical gloves at the hospital. He goes to get his
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stuff.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favour? Could you go into
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the room</p>
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<p>with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm,
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</p>
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<p>y'know... interested.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role
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before </p>
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<p>to some critical acclaim.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Kramer is ready to go so they're on their way out. Elaine notices
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George</p>
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<p>% is staying behind and queries:</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: What's with him?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Y'know a lot of people have asked that...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% At the Hospital, Elaine and Jerry find the triangle man's room,
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but it</p>
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<p>% seems as though something is amiss...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Roy!</p>
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<p>Roy: *Elaine*! What a *surprise*.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you! You look so...</p>
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<p>Roy: I've lost some weight...</p>
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<p>Elaine: A *lot* of weight.</p>
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<p>Roy: I know.</p>
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<p>Elaine: You look ter*rific*.</p>
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<p>Roy: Thank you. So do you.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Elaine introduces Jerry (the boyfriend) to Roy:</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.</p>
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<p>Roy: Thank you.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Since Elaine has got the "screamin' thigh sweats" goin',
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Jerry takes it</p>
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<p>% upon himself to be introduced and sticks out his hand.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% While this is going on, Kramer is out in the hallway trying to
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find his</p>
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<p>% gloves. He tries a door:</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Woman: Waaaaaaaaa!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Oops. Wrong door. Try the next one, K-Man...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Kramer: Ah, the mother lode!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Call off the dogs, the hunt is over. Back in Roy's room, Elaine
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is</p>
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<p>% sitting on Roy's lap.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't
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</p>
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<p>even get my arms around you...</p>
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<p>Roy: Yes, I remember.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Y'know there's nothing like some nice words to make you feel
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all warm n'</p>
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|
<p>% gushy inside when you're really ill.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you
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get to lose </p>
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<p>weight.</p>
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<p>Roy: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% That's a relief. I though he was going to say "liposuction".</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Roy: After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't
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eat for </p>
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<p>weeks.</p>
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<p>Elaine: *Get* *out*!</p>
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<p>Roy: Really, it's the truth.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Jerry, did you hear that? He couldn't eat for weeks...</p>
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<p>Jerry: That's terrible...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.</p>
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<p>Roy: You did.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: You know I can't get this damn thing to sleep...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Oh yeah, did I mention Jerry was playing with a Yo-Yo?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Now listen, tell me something. When are you gettin out
|
|
of here?</p>
|
|
<p>Roy: Next Thursday.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you
|
|
out for </p>
|
|
<p>a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Um, Jerry (the boyfriend) seems to have a problem with this and
|
|
the two</p>
|
|
<p>% exchange in a banter that's only funny if you hear it 'cuz they
|
|
speak to</p>
|
|
<p>% each other in super-polite, higher-pitched voices.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No that's the week after.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, I believe it's next week.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You're wrong.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No I'm not...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Shut up...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer comes back in the room with a mitt full o' gloves.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Pay dirt!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Uh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of our friends.</p>
|
|
<p>Roy: How do you do?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I do great.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Roy's doctor comes into the room.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Hi Roy.</p>
|
|
<p>Roy: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world] I *just*
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>learned that.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% The doctor is at a loss </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions
|
|
about </p>
|
|
<p>tomorrow's operation.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>retractors?</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I sure am.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of
|
|
retractor </p>
|
|
<p>and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor
|
|
in </p>
|
|
<p>your friend's procedure.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: But you *will* use... a retractor.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: We have to...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Mmm-hmm...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer, you ombudsman you... Maybe his name is "Ralph Nader
|
|
Kramer"?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's</p>
|
|
<p>welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's</p>
|
|
<p>operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
it</p>
|
|
<p>with them?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I dunno...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're
|
|
gonna cut</p>
|
|
<p>him open. His guts'll be all over the place... </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, that's true...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: ...They'll saw through bone. [makes saw noises while gesturing
|
|
over</p>
|
|
<p>Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% He makes it sound so appealing, doesn't he? We skip ahead to
|
|
Jerry's </p>
|
|
<p>% apartment. George is finishing watching the movie and he, uh,
|
|
has </p>
|
|
<p>% something in his eye...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hi...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are doing, you crying??</p>
|
|
<p>George: No...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You crying from "Home Alone"??</p>
|
|
<p>George: The old man got to me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can
|
|
be friends</p>
|
|
<p>with you anymore after this display</p>
|
|
<p>George: Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves and
|
|
wanted</p>
|
|
<p>to get home and start working on his floor.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: How's the guy?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting pretty
|
|
chummy.</p>
|
|
<p>Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.</p>
|
|
<p>George: That's nerve...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to
|
|
fancy restaurants.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome".
|
|
He falls </p>
|
|
<p>ill; she falls in love.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You mean Florence Nightingale.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What'd I say? Clara?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Clara Barton? What did she do?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, I think you would.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: So, you gonna buy his art?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1 900 dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta
|
|
here. </p>
|
|
<p>Have fun with what's-her-name.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I will.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, it isn't. I can find out.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah? How?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: There are ways.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Later, the mystery woman and Jerry are sitting on the couch...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would
|
|
make fun </p>
|
|
<p>of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry",
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>"Seinsmelled"...</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: "Seinsmelled"?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect
|
|
when your</p>
|
|
<p>name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not </p>
|
|
<p>everybody can be as sweet as you are.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% How can anyone not like him? They embrace...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Oh, Jerry...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh... *you*...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% J+G sit at Monk's later and they're in the middle of a conversation
|
|
when</p>
|
|
<p>% we join them...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Rest... Sest... Hest...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Hest"? That's not a name.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What, you should've just asked her.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I know, I should've asked her.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What're you gonna do now?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with
|
|
her. Once </p>
|
|
<p>you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Aretha!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Bovary!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, that's enough.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright, well you know what you gotta do, you gotta go
|
|
through her</p>
|
|
<p>purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How am I gonna do that?</p>
|
|
<p>George: When she goes to the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Ah, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you
|
|
guys</p>
|
|
<p>go to the operation with me?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You asked a date to go to the operation?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah... So c'mon, what d'you say?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What kind of operation is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Spleenectomy.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Isn't that where they remove the--</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Yeah George, what if Kramer told you the ending to "Home
|
|
Alone" before you</p>
|
|
<p>% finally saw it.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: C'mon, what d'you say?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Mulva!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Mulva?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: C'mon, do you wanna go?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>watch them slice this fat bastard up.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% We cut to the operating room at the Hospital where J+K are seated
|
|
in</p>
|
|
<p>% the front row of the viewing gallery directly overlooking the
|
|
table</p>
|
|
<p>% below. There's no glass in front of them, or anything, so they
|
|
can </p>
|
|
<p>% look right over the edge.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's
|
|
internal</p>
|
|
<p>organs. Nurse-- retractor.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% I still don't trust that retractor. Anyway, Kramer gets a box
|
|
of candy</p>
|
|
<p>% out and starts to munch...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you eating?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Junior Mints. Do you want one?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I can't see... Psst....</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer motions to a nurse to get out of the way so he can see.
|
|
Say what</p>
|
|
<p>% you want about the Loathsome brute, but the man has tact.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Where'd you get those?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: The machine. You want one? Here, take one.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't want any! </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, they're good!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't want any! </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Just take one.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No! Kramer, stop it!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% The two try to force the Junior mint on each other and in the
|
|
struggle</p>
|
|
<p>% the sweet projectile launches itself into the air towards the
|
|
operating</p>
|
|
<p>% table and, well, in a word: "Bingo".</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[End Act I -- 9:30]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% We're at Jerry's apartment where he is obviously relating the
|
|
day's</p>
|
|
<p>% events to George.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into*
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>patient!</p>
|
|
<p>George: What do you mean "into the patient"?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Into the patient, *literally*!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Into the hole?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes, the hole!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Didn't they notice it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No!</p>
|
|
<p>George: How could they not notice it?!?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: What did they do?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.</p>
|
|
<p>George: They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes!</p>
|
|
<p>George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those
|
|
things.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: They *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs
|
|
in their </p>
|
|
<p>abdominal cavity!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer enters...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, this wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like
|
|
a ski </p>
|
|
<p>lodge!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why did you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, I didn't believe you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How could you not believe me?!?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>peppermint-- it's *delicious*!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's true.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: It's very refreshing!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Elaine enters the apartment, looking forlorn and morose...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Prognosis... negative.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Prognosis *negative*!?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is.
|
|
They're </p>
|
|
<p>baffled.</p>
|
|
<p>J+K: Oh, my God...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and
|
|
attractive.</p>
|
|
<p>Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really</p>
|
|
<p>lift his spirits.</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's that bleak?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mmm...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Elaine goes to the bathroom, and George's mind shifts into third...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% How can anyone not like him?</p>
|
|
<p>%</p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry and Kramer irrationally discuss what they're going to do
|
|
about </p>
|
|
<p>% all this.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: We gotta confess.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: We could be tried for murder...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and
|
|
Loeb!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You're not gonna say anything, you got that?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm telling and you can't stop me!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You're *not*!!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Elaine comes out of the biffy (just in time before J+K resorted
|
|
to</p>
|
|
<p>% fisticuffs). George, ever the caring nurturer, does Elaine a
|
|
favour:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1 900 dollars
|
|
worth.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Later, at the apartment, the Mystery Woman gives Jerry a massage.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh yeah, that's the spot...</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: What're you so tense about?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, nothing really... Just a homicide. [She finds the right
|
|
spot </p>
|
|
<p>on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Mulva?</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Mulva?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, good idea...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% She comes back suddenly...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Woman: What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I was just looking for some... gum or... mint.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Oh, I have Junior Mints.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank
|
|
you...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Stealthy Kramer enters the apartment (again!)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Any news?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: [whispering] No, you better get out of here. No, wait a
|
|
second...</p>
|
|
<p>Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the </p>
|
|
<p>bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then</p>
|
|
<p>she'll be forced to say her name.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: 10-4.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Oh, hello.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hello, I'm Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Nice to meet you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: See you later. [He leaves]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% I think I must have blinked 'cus I missed the introduction.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the
|
|
play.</p>
|
|
<p>Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and meet Olympia Dukakis.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, there's a name you don't forget.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% She goes to leave, and George comes in with a couple more movies
|
|
to</p>
|
|
<p>% watch at Jerry's (I'm not positive, but I think the movie on
|
|
top is </p>
|
|
<p>% "Pretty Woman", in which Jason Alexander plays an evil
|
|
lawyer (like</p>
|
|
<p>% there's any other kind). But I digress).</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Oh, hi.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hi, I'm George.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Nice to meet you, George.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% She leaves...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: I gave it a shot... So, any word on the "artiste"?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, I haven't heard anything.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, I got my triangles.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Really...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>George: You could get in trouble.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Look, I gotta try and help the guy.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his
|
|
number </p>
|
|
<p>is up, who are you to interfere!?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>condition...</p>
|
|
<p>George: What? What?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, thats *fantastic*!</p>
|
|
<p>George: He didn't get better, did he?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Thank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1 900 dollars down the
|
|
drain.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Back at the Hospital, Roy is recovering with a heapin' helpin'
|
|
of</p>
|
|
<p>% spaghetti.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Roy: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired
|
|
me </p>
|
|
<p>to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, that's great. That's great.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Y'know, art is a great investment.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's gonna look great in your apartment, George.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes I look forward to many years of looking at the triangles.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Well, I'll wait for you outside.</p>
|
|
<p>Roy: Hey, George... [kiss]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Y'know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element
|
|
in</p>
|
|
<p>your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What do you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something
|
|
happened </p>
|
|
<p>during the operation that staved off that infection. Something
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>beyond science. Something perhaps from above...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Mint?</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Roy has other matters on his mind (not to mention he's eating
|
|
the plate of</p>
|
|
<p>% spaghetti like an absolute pig). Old habits die hard, I guess...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Roy: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're going to the Poconos
|
|
on </p>
|
|
<p>Friday, right honey? [pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend)]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't think so...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: We are...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I believe we're not...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: [Catching another glimpse of Roy eating] Please can we
|
|
go to </p>
|
|
<p>the Poconos?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, I'll think about it...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Back at Jerry's apartment...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Really...</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed
|
|
my </p>
|
|
<p>playbill.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, what're you saying, you got her autograph?</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Do you have it with you?</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Yeah, it's in my purse.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Let me see.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [reads autograph]</p>
|
|
<p>...Joseph Puglia...</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: I had it autographed for my uncle.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, I know...</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: You don't know my name, do you?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes I do.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It, uh, rhymes with a female body part.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Mulva...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Oops... She leaves the apartment. Jerry follows and tries again:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Gipple?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% And again:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Loleola?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Nope. He goes back inside and goes to get something out of the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>% refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light
|
|
goes on</p>
|
|
<p>% in Jerry's head and he rushes to the window to catch the Mystery
|
|
Woman</p>
|
|
<p>% before she gets out of earshot.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh! Oh! *Delores*!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[End Act II -- Time 17:15]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Closing monologue.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing
|
|
else.</p>
|
|
<p>Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>love. ``I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I</p>
|
|
<p>love those...''. And only a seven year old kid can taste the </p>
|
|
<p>difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two
|
|
totally </p>
|
|
<p>different things when you're seven years old. ``Well, your red
|
|
is </p>
|
|
<p>more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>flavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[End -- Time 18:00]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
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