753 lines
39 KiB
HTML
753 lines
39 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Keys</h1>
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Transcribed by: Brian Dickson</p>
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<p><b>Episode no. 40 [Original air date 06 May 1992]</b></p>
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<p><i>Jerry's stand-up:</i> So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane
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the other day and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they
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need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground
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are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's
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just up there in the cockpit going <mimics looking for keys> "Oh,
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I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did it again." They tell you
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it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies
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and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little
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while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to
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the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath
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the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking
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for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he
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left it up there somewhere..."</p>
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<p><i>Opening scene: Jerry's apartment in the middle of the night. Jerry
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comes out of his room. We hear his thoughts.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY's brain: What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams
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require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there.</p>
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<p><Jerry notices his door is open.></p>
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<p>JERRY's brain: What the hell...? Why is the door open?</p>
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<p><Jerry looks out into the hallway, turns back into his apartment,
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and runs into Kramer in the dark. They both scream. Kramer turns on the
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light.></p>
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<p>JERRY: Kramer, what are you doing here!?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to
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wake you up! Y'know, I was watching "Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo,"
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and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare
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keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You scared me!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's just me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: That's enough!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Forgot the popper... <goes to the kitchen, grabs the popper,
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drops the lid, juggles it around, then exits.></p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><i>New scene. Jerry's apartment, daytime. We hear Jerry hurriedly trying
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to get in the door.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY (from outside the door): C'mon...c'mon...</p>
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<p><Jerry enters, sheds his jacket, drops his luggage and heads for the
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bathroom. He opens the door to find Kramer taking a bubble bath in his
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tub.></p>
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<p>JERRY: Kramer! What are you doing?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What does it look like I'm doing? What?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I gotta go!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright, alright...</p>
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<p>JERRY: C'mon!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Sorry. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Move it! Move it! Get going!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: My drain's all clogged up! <Comes out of the bathroom in a
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towel, covered in soap suds.></p>
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<p>JERRY (from inside the bathroom): Is that my towel?</p>
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<p><Kramer loses the towel in the hallway and throws it on Jerry's floor
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from the other side of the door.></p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><i>New scene. Jerry's hallway at night. Jerry approaches his door with
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a girlfriend.</i></p>
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<p>GIRLFRIEND: I'm really happy the movie was sold out.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you,
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and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your
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apartment?</p>
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<p>GIRLFRIEND: I'm from Witchita, so...</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh. I see. There he is! <Pretends the murderers are coming.>
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</p>
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<p>GIRLFRIEND: Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry!</p>
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<p>JERRY: The murderers! <Jerry unlocks his door and they both run inside.></p>
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<p>GIRLFRIEND: That was close!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Did you see the look on that guy's face?</p>
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<p>GIRLFRIEND: You were <i>so</i> fast with those keys. <They prepare
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to kiss, but are interrupted by Kramer and his girlfriend coming out of
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Jerry's bedroom, laughing and horsing around.></p>
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<p>JERRY: Kramer! What the hell are you doing here?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you were going to the movies.</p>
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<p>JERRY: All right, that's it. Hand 'em over. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: What?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What, you know what, the keys. I want the keys. You've lost your
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key privileges. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, come on!</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, come on!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What, what, I thought you went to the movies!</p>
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<p>JERRY: It was sold out!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out?</p>
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<p>JERRY: <i>That's</i> the point.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What point?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Just, look, just give the keys.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Just give me another chance!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Don't ask me!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I'm asking you!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm telling you.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You're joking.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm serious!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's not going to happen again!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes it will, now give me those keys!</p>
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<p><Jerry and Kramer begin struggling over the keys. Kramer loses his
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footing and falls on the floor, taking his girlfriend down with him.></p>
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<p>KRAMER (getting up): O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! But you're
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going to regret this. <He angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters
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seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.></p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><i>New scene. Jerry's apartment, the next day. Jerry is now giving his
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spare keys to Elaine.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: So put 'em in a safe place.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I will. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Where?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is Kramer upset?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately...he's different.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, maybe you should just give him the keys back.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I can't.</p>
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<p><There's a gentle knock at the door.></p>
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<p>ELAINE (mouths the words): Is that Kramer? <Jerry nods.></p>
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<p>JERRY: Who's there?</p>
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<p>KRAMER (in hallway): Uh, Kramer. <Jerry opens the door, Kramer enters.
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Elaine waves at Kramer with the keys in her hand.> Oh, hi...uh...you
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got the...</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, I'm not, uh...</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about the keys. It's my fault.
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I gave the keys away with my stupidity. I broke "the covenant of
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the keys."</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Jerry, give him the keys back.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Elaine...</p>
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<p><Elaine tries to give the keys to Kramer, but Jerry won't let her.
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Jerry and Elaine begin struggling over the keys. Kramer breaks it up.></p>
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<p>KRAMER: I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned
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out. I was clingin' to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of
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a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free...to go with the current.
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To float. (To Jerry) And I thank you.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Take the keys.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I don't want the keys! <Jerry tries to force the keys on Kramer,
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but Kramer refuses.> </p>
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<p>JERRY: O.K.!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Now, one more thing - I would like <i>my</i> keys back.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Your spare set?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: That's right.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You want 'em back?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for the best.</p>
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<p><Jerry takes a huge ring with hundreds of keys on it out of his drawer,
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and hands it to Kramer. Kramer begins going through them.></p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><i>New scene at the coffee shop. Kramer is now giving the huge keyring
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to George.</i></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what to say.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Say yes! Yes, George. Yes!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Should I give you my keys, is that the transaction, trading keys...?
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Because Elaine has my keys. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, you can get 'em back.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I suppose I could.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment?
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That kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house,
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it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. And
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cleaner? Oh - much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor
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in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes.
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I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the
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darkness...like you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Me?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out. <The waitress
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comes over.></p>
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<p>WAITRESS: Hi, are you ready to order? <George tries to order, but
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Kramer interrupts.></p>
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<p>KRAMER (moves over and sits next to George): Do you ever yearn?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yearn? Do I yearn?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I yearn. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: You yearn. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you
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yearned?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant
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craving...but I haven't yearned.</p>
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<p>KRAMER (in disgust): Look at you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Aw, Kramer, don't start...</p>
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<p>KRAMER (moving back to the othe side of the booth): You're wasting your
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life.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my
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life!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>KRAMER: You got money?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Do you have a woman?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Do you have any prospects?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You got anything on the horizon?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Uh...no.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Do you have any action at all?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the
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morning?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I like to get the Daily News!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: George, it's time for us to grow up - and be men. Not little
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boys.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I'm goin' to California. You know, I got the bug.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, too.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, the acting bug. Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: "These pretzels are making me thirsty"? That was one
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line! You got fired!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I know, I know, but man! I never felt so alive! Now, are you
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coming with me?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Uh, no, I'm not.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep this between us - we're
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key brothers now. <Gets up to leave.></p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're not really gonna go to California, are you?</p>
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<p>KRAMER (points to his head): Up here, I'm already gone. <Kramer exits.></p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><i>New scene, Elaine's apartment at night. George is picking up his spare
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keys from Elaine.</i></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys, now he wants to have my
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keys, so I need mine back from you.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does he need yours?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't know. He said he wants to be my "key brother."
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</p>
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<p>ELAINE: That's ridiculous.</p>
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<p>GEORGE (shakes huge keyring): That's Kramer.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'll give you back your spare keys - but now I want mine back.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What for?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: 'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Jerry? Why?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: 'Cause he gave me his.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So what?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: So, if he has my keys, I should have his. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I just said the same thing to you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Alright, listen, I'll give you your spare keys, but I don't have
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them with me. Can I please have mine to give to back to Kramer?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. <George begins to leaf through
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papers on Elaine's counter.> What are you doing? Would you just put
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that down? <Takes the papers away from George.> I gotta get some
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new friends.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><i>New scene, Jerry's apartment the next day.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Did you bring the keys? </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes, but I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's
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apartment without his permission.</p>
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<p>JERRY: This could be an emergency!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You never should have taken away his keys!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't take 'em. <Jerry and
|
|
George go out into the hallway to Kramer's apartment.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How'd the Mets do?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They lost.</p>
|
|
<p><Jerry and George open Kramer's door and poke their heads in.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer? </p>
|
|
<p><Newman walks up behind them.></p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN (startling them): Hello, boys. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello, Newman.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: You lookin' for someone?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood!</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Coy? I'm not being coy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (to George): Is he being coy?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, coy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman?</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN (coyly): Who?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now!</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Turn around, George.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Sure. <Turns around.></p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: George?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have
|
|
to do this the hard way? <Hits wall with his fist.></p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Help! Help!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Where's Kramer?</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: HELP! <Elaine enters.></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What's going on?</p>
|
|
<p><Newman grabs Elaine and hides behind her.></p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: They're gonna beat me up!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No we're not.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened
|
|
to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about
|
|
the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Bad rap?</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Yeah. From you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Me?</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La
|
|
Land. L.A.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: L.A.?</p>
|
|
<p><Cut to Kramer in his car on the highway, listening to rock music.
|
|
The car's engine starts to fail, then stalls. Kramer can't believe it.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> <i>Commercial break</i>.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene, Jerry's apartment at night (Jerry's at the window, George
|
|
and Elaine are on the couch</i>).</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I never should have taken his keys away. But he drove me to it!
|
|
I had no choice! He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you saw it, remember?
|
|
I said, 'Take the keys back.' He wouldn't do anything. You saw it, didn't
|
|
you see it?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, I saw it. <mutters under her breath> I mean,
|
|
it's complete bullsh*t.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Huh? </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What...?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, what'd you say?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Nothing. I didn't say anything.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, you didn't see it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw it. Yep.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I heard you say something, there.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I didn't say anything.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm calling Kramer's mother. <Picks up the phone, dials.>
|
|
(To Elaine) I don't know what you said. But it was something. I heard
|
|
something. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could you turn the
|
|
music down? Could you turn the music down!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ask her about Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She's drunk out of her mind.</p>
|
|
<p><Cut back to Kramer with his car broken down on the side of the highway.
|
|
He tries to thumb a ride.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> <i>New scene, Jerry approaching his apartment door. He tries to unlock
|
|
it, but realizes Elaine has his keys. Jerry goes to the coffee shop to
|
|
call Elaine</i>.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (leaving a message on Elaine's machine): Elaine? Are you there?
|
|
It's me, I'm locked out of my apartment, I need my spare keys. Where are
|
|
you? I'm at the coffee shop.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch a ride on the back of a motorcycle.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (shouting over the cycle's engine): Hey! You ever been in an accident?</p>
|
|
<p>BIKER: About five years ago. I was going down this very road. Same time
|
|
of day, going about the same speed I'm going now...there was a rock in
|
|
the road. Couldn't have been more than a pebble. Never really saw it!
|
|
Lost control of the bike, went flyin' about a hundred feet - came down
|
|
right on my head. Cracked it wide open! Blood and stuff was just splattered
|
|
all over the road, there...I broke every bone in my face. Hey, you know,
|
|
when they found me, my eyes were hanging out of their sockets? Yeah, they
|
|
pronounced me dead at the scene. I was in a coma for...well, they told
|
|
me about a year...said I'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but I showed
|
|
'em. Ever since then I always wear a helmet! <The biker goes into a
|
|
turn.> Lean! <Kramer yells.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene. Jerry in a booth at the coffee shop waiting for George.
|
|
George enters, spare keys in hand.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (applauding): Georgie Boy! Way to come through with the keys! Sit
|
|
down, I'm buying you dinner.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't
|
|
feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Don't feel right? What are you talking about? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you
|
|
want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can
|
|
I just let you in?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What is the big deal?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle
|
|
you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's
|
|
keys.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys.
|
|
You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me,
|
|
because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer,
|
|
he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which
|
|
case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I want those keys. <Tries to grab the keys from George.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nope, no can do.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: George, give them to me, I want these keys. <They struggle
|
|
over the keys.> I don't want to get physical!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Do you wanna fight?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Do you wanna fight?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the face! <The struggle continues.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch another ride, this time with
|
|
a van full of drugged-out hippies. Kramer is telling them a story as they
|
|
go down the road...</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: And then, the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome
|
|
young prince.</p>
|
|
<p>HIPPIE #1: Oh no. He didn't take back the keys, no way.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes! And then the handsome young prince was cast out into the
|
|
cruel, cruel world.</p>
|
|
<p>HIPPIE #1: Oh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's pretty cold, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, he's cold.</p>
|
|
<p>HIPPIE #1: Lemme tell you something, Kramer. If that ogre dude pulled
|
|
that crap on me <pulls out a knife> - I'D STAB HIM! I'D CUT HIM
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE A FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver) Hey, you can drop me
|
|
here!</p>
|
|
<p>HIPPIE #1: Hey, what's the rush, man?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now.</p>
|
|
<p>HIPPIE #1: Hey, Kramer - have you ever killed a man?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin'
|
|
in Ivory liquid? <mimics choking somebody></p>
|
|
<p>HIPPIE #2: Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You know so much about
|
|
the world, we need you, please Kramer! (they all start chanting) Please,
|
|
Kramer! Please, Kramer! <Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape their
|
|
clutches.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene, Elaine's building at night. Jerry and George approach Elaine's
|
|
door, still arguing about the keys.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna
|
|
give her her spare keys, so she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's
|
|
happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to
|
|
me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give
|
|
her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has
|
|
mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could
|
|
get mine.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You're right, how did I miss that? <Begins unlocking the door,
|
|
mutters under his breath> Maybe because it's a crock of sh*t.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's that?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I heard something.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's apartment.)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch yet another ride, this time with
|
|
a woman driving an eighteen-wheeler.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: So, how long you been drivin' this thing?</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: Goin' on four years. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi.</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: Nothin'? (They exchange a glance, then laugh.) Listen to you,
|
|
you're quite the sweet-talker.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You know, I always wanted to drive the big rigs. I used to watch
|
|
those commercials during the reruns of Gomer Pyle. </p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: You want to give it a try?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: Do you know how to double-clutch?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: Well, come on! <They trade places and Kramer gets behind the
|
|
wheel. Kramer turns out to be really rusty on the ol' double-clutch.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene, Jerry and George in Elaine's apartment looking for Jerry's
|
|
spare keys.</i></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, this is great. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, what do they look like?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. (In
|
|
disgust) "What do they look like."</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, they're obviously not here.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, they've gotta be here somewhere.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall
|
|
opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (looking through some papers on the desk): What is this? "Murphy
|
|
Brown"? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: By Elaine Benes?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine's writing a "Murphy Brown"?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Wait a second! (They fight over the paper.)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Gimme half!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right, here! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why didn't she tell us?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (making fun): Elaine is writing a sitcom...! <Elaine enters
|
|
the room behind Jerry and George. Jerry spots her and tosses his half
|
|
of the script at George. George throws it back and paper goes flying everywhere.></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You weasels!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What? What?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: How dare you!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: We hardly read anything!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It was funny!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Who gave you permission to come into my house and just go through
|
|
all my things? You thought it was funny?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well... <picks up some of the pages> From what I saw...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (grabs the papers from Jerry): Well, it's just a first draft!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I was locked out of my apartment, I'm just trying to get my keys.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (turning on George): Why did you let him in?! <Shoves George.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: He forced me to!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I did not!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes you did!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You! Get out! Get out! Get out!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 'em! I don't want 'em anymore!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (to George): And I want my keys back from you!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What, you don't want me to hold your keys?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, you can't be trusted!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, alright, fine. <Gives the keys to Elaine.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (to Elaine): And I don't want you to hold mine!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Good! I won't!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good! Don't! Are these my keys?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: These aren't my keys!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Whose are these?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know!</p>
|
|
<p><Meanwhile, Kramer's finally made it to Los Angeles. He's shown roller-skating
|
|
through traffic, and nearly running over some guy on a scooter.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene, Jerry and Elaine watching "Murphy Brown" in Jerry's
|
|
apartment. </i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I just thought I could write it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Is that something you want to do?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine, let me tell you something about show business. It's hard
|
|
work! You don't just write a "Murphy Brown." You gotta watch
|
|
the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to
|
|
each other.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: O.K., can I just watch the show? <mutters under her breath>
|
|
God, what an asshole.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I didn't say anything.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I heard something. <Looks at the TV> Elaine, Elaine! It's
|
|
Kramer! Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (laughing): Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the desk!</p>
|
|
<p><Cut to the screen of Jerry's TV.></p>
|
|
<p>CANDICE BERGEN: Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my new secretary.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.</p>
|
|
<p>CANDICE BERGEN: And you are...?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell.</p>
|
|
<p>CANDICE BERGEN: Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Steven.</p>
|
|
<p>CANDICE BERGEN: Steven. Are you familiar with this computer system?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh - I'm familiar with it.</p>
|
|
<p>CANDICE BERGEN: Steven Snell? I know people...and I have a very good
|
|
feeling about you. <exits.></p>
|
|
<p><i>(Episode ends with Kramer typing rapidly on his keyboard as he takes
|
|
a bite out of a donut.)</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>[Script transcribed by Brian Dickson on Sept. 2, 2002.]</i></p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
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|
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</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|