751 lines
39 KiB
HTML
751 lines
39 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Little Jerry</h1>
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<br>
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<i>Transcribed by Brian Dickson on 4 Sept 2002.</i></p>
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<p>Episode no. 145 (Original air date 19 Dec 1996).</p>
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<p>Directed by Andy Ackerman. Written by Jennifer Crittenden. </p>
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<p>Guest Stars: <br>
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Barney Martin (Morty)<br>
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Liz Sheridan (Helen)<br>
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John Michael Higgins (Kurt)<br>
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Miguel Sandoval (Marcelino)<br>
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Andrea Bendewald (Celia)<br>
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Kathryn Joosten (Betsy)<br>
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Paul Perri (Detective #1)<br>
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Al White (Detective #2)<br>
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Ray Proscia (Prison guard)</p>
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<p><i>Opening scene: Jerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: So what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the
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auto show, I waited for you, you never came.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Five minutes. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Five minutes? That's it?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's the difference? You never showed up.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's
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for like, forty minutes.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, we barely knew the guy.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.</p>
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<p>JERRY: That's the way it works.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: When did you tell George to be here?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: About five.</p>
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<p>JERRY: That's enough. <They leave. George comes around the corner.></p>
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<p>GEORGE (looks at his watch): Early! Alright! <shivers.> Cold.</p>
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<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Kramer in a booth at the coffee shop.</i></p>
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<p>KRAMER: So, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega.</p>
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<p>JERRY: How did you know about that?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Because Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all
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the other bad checks.</p>
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<p>JERRY: He can't do that.</p>
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<p>KRAMER (sternly): It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes his eggs.)
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Aw, these eggs are disgusting. This chicken should be ashamed of himself.
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</p>
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<p><George enters and sits down.></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Fantastic day! Fantastic! </p>
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<p>JERRY: What happened?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin,
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that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Fantastic.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Then, I'm at The Foundation...</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're still doing that?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Sometimes, once in a while.</p>
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<p>JERRY: When you feel guilty.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, occasionally I'll forget to let the machine pick up. Anyway,
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they made this large donation to a women's prison, and I get to go down
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there and check it out.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: That's caged heat.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah-hah!</p>
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<p>JERRY: What are you gonna do there?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Nothing really, you know...just stroll around the cell blocks,
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maybe take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey, you know you got a bounced
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check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes, I know, I know.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I noticed you chose the "clowns with balloons" check
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design.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones.</p>
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<p><Elaine enters with her new boyfriend, Kurt.></p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this is Jerry, and George, and
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Kramer.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, Kurt. Taste these eggs.</p>
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<p>KURT: Uh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yes! These are sweatshop eggs. <Kramer gets up to leave by
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climbing over the back of the booth. He loses it and falls on the floor,
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then regains his composure and walks out with his napkin still tucked
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in his collar.></p>
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<p>KURT (to Elaine): I gotta call the office. Honey, would you order for
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me?</p>
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<p>ELAINE (sitting down): I'm a "honey." He's pretty great, huh?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Is he from the future?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about
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guts. <Points to his head.> <i>This</i> is guts.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What? Clinging to some scraps?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: These are not "scraps." These are historic remains
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of a once great society of hair.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, did you guys stop at the bodega today? Some moron bounced
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a clown check!</p>
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<p><i>New scene in the bodega, starts with a shot of Marcelino's cash register
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with Jerry's clown check attached under a sign that reads "checks
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no longer accepted from:". </i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Again, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino.</p>
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<p>MARCELINO: People seem to like the clowns.</p>
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<p>JERRY (takes out his wallet): Look, let me just give you the forty, plus
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another twenty for your trouble.</p>
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<p>MARCELINO: 'Kay.</p>
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<p>JERRY (turning to leave): Aren't you going to take the check down?</p>
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<p>MARCELINO: Sorry, no. It's store policy.</p>
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<p>JERRY: But it's your bodega.</p>
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<p>MARCELINO: Even <i>I</i> am not above the policy.</p>
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<p><Jerry leaves while giving Marcelino a dirty look.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - George touring the women's prison with Betsy, the "warden."</i></p>
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<p>BETSY: Those are our tennis courts.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Tennis courts? What about the yard? Where do they have the gang
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fights?</p>
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<p>BETSY: There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza. This is a minimum security
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facility.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hmm. What about a hole? You ever put anybody in "the box"?</p>
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<p>BETSY: No.</p>
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<p>GEORGE (to himself): This prison stinks.</p>
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<p>BETSY: And finally, the library, which has just been refurbished thanks
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to your generous donation. This is Celia Morgan, our librarian.</p>
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<p>CELIA: Nice to meet you.</p>
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<p>BETSY: I'll be in my office if you need me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Thanks, Warden.</p>
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<p>BETSY (sweetly): Betsy.</p>
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<p>GEORGE (disappointed): Betsy.</p>
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<p>CELIA: So, are you the head of the foundation?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me. <Notices
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another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.> So uh, you
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two shop at the same store?</p>
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<p>CELIA: No, it's standard issue.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh my God...you're in jail? <Celia nods.> That is so cool!</p>
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<p><i>New scene in Jerry's apartment later that day.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: You asked her out?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well...not "out." She's in prison.</p>
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<p>JERRY: How could you ask her out?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens
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because you didn't want to go over the bridge!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That was different! </p>
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<p>JERRY: I'll say.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the
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time. I have relatively no competition. And you know how you live in fear
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of the pop-in?</p>
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<p>JERRY (shudders): The pop-in.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, no pop-in, no "in the neighborhood," no "I
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saw your light was on." And the best part is, if things go really
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well...</p>
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<p>JERRY: Conjugal visit?</p>
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<p>GEORGE (giddy): Don't jinx it!</p>
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<p><Kramer enters.></p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey. What's up?</p>
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<p>JERRY: George is dating a convict.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh? What's she in for?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Embezzlement.</p>
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<p>KRAMER (approvingly): Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right
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if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, not here. <Goes into the hallway, comes back in with
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a huge bag of chicken feed.></p>
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<p>JERRY: Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, it's chicken feed. <Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.>
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</p>
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<p>JERRY: I sense something is afoot.</p>
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<p>KRAMER (closes fridge): Yeah, I bought a chicken.</p>
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<p><Jerry is about to reply, but George interrupts.></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Allow me. Why?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.</p>
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<p><George is about to reply, but Jerry interrupts.></p>
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<p>JERRY: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?</p>
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<p><i>New scene - Elaine's apartment at night. Elaine is about to pay a
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delivery guy for some food.</i></p>
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<p>KURT: Hold it, hold it, I got it. Catch. <Tosses his wallet to Elaine,
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she pays the delivery guy.></p>
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<p>ELAINE (looking at Kurt's driver's licence photo): Hey, driver's licence.
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Oh...my God.</p>
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<p>KURT: What? </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Your hair. It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it...it was.</p>
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<p>KURT: Well, it still is. I shave my head for my swim team. I just liked
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the way it looked, so I kept it.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? With you under
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it? <Kurt shrugs.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry in bed at the crack of dawn. We hear a rooster crowing.
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Jerry gets up and knocks on Kramer's door, bleary-eyed. Kramer answers
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the door with a rooster under his arm.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, Jerry loves the morning.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Who?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is <i>not</i> a chicken.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>KRAMER: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, you picked out a rooster.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.</p>
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<p><Jerry nods and shuffles back to his place. Kramer turns Little Jerry
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upside down to see if he's actually a rooster or not...></p>
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<p><i>New scene - George visiting Celia at the prison.</i></p>
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<p>CELIA: This was fun.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah. I had a great time.</p>
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<p>GUARD: Five minutes, Mr. Costanza.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The whole hour just flew by. <Begins cleaning up the table.></p>
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<p>GUARD: I'll get that.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well, I guess I'll see you in four
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days.</p>
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<p>CELIA: Go out and have a ball with the guys. I'll be waiting right here
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for you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Of course you will. You're the best.</p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry's apartment, the same day. The phone rings.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Hello?</p>
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<p>HELEN (in Florida with Morty): Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced
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check. Are you having money problems?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm not having money problems.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Enough with the comedy! You're very clever, you should look into
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advertising.</p>
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<p>MORTY: He never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine! <George enters.></p>
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<p>HELEN: That's it. I'm going to send you fifty dollars.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You are NOT sending me fifty dollars!</p>
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<p>HELEN: We're sending you fifty dollars! Morty, get me an envelope.</p>
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<p>JERRY (angrily): I swear to God, if you send me fifty dollars, you are
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gonna be so sorry!</p>
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<p>MORTY: I don't see envelopes!</p>
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<p>HELEN: They're right in front of you! Oh, for heaven's sakes... <She
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puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.></p>
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<p>JERRY: Ma! Ma! MA! <Hangs up the phone in disgust.></p>
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<p>GEORGE: How're the folks?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Good.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So? Movie tonight?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I thought you were going out with Celia.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Having her in jail.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with
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this now.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it.</p>
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<p><Elaine enters.></p>
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<p>ELAINE: Here. <Shows Kurt's driver's licence to Jerry.> Take a
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look at that.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Huh. Kurt's an organ donor.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair. <George
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overhears and stands up, concerned.></p>
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<p>JERRY: So he just shaves his head for no reason?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: And he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's
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all mine.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's just hair.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: It's not just hair! Look! <Shows Kurt's licence to Jerry again.></p>
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<p>JERRY: It's brown.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: It's chestnut with auburn highlights!</p>
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<p>JERRY: So?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You're not around women. You don't know how important a man's
|
|
hair is. <They both look at George, who is reading a newspaper and
|
|
struggling to keep his composure.> I'm sorry, George, but it's true.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (close to tears): I knew it.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kramer walking Little Jerry Seinfeld down the street on
|
|
a leash. He goes into Marcelino's.</i></p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Hey, Kramer. Nice rooster. What's his name?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce checks? (laughs)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Look, can't you take Jerry's check down?</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Sorry Kramer, can't help you.</p>
|
|
<p><A guy walks into the bodega with his dog. The dog and Little Jerry
|
|
get into a tussle, and Little Jerry sends the dog packin.'></p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO (impressed): I like the way he handles himself.</p>
|
|
<p><Kramer picks Little Jerry up. He's upside down. Kramer turns him
|
|
around the right way.></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine checking out Kurt's head at her apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, it's coming in already! Wow, you have some very nice little
|
|
seedlings here. Huh...</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: What?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here. Or here.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: What do you mean? <Goes into the bedroom to look in the mirror.></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, I don't know...how long have you been shaving your head
|
|
for?</p>
|
|
<p>KURT (from the bedroom): About three years.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Huh.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Oh my God! <Steps into the doorway> I'm going bald! </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - George and Celia in the prison library.</i></p>
|
|
<p>CELIA: George! I'm so glad to see you!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, I brought you some cigarettes. You buy yourself something
|
|
nice.</p>
|
|
<p>CELIA: Good news - I'm up for parole.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Parole! <Feigning joy> That's dynamite!</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So Marcelino's going to take down the check?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Great! <realizing> What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ah ha...</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: So, he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Only in The United States.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's inhumane!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's two roosters peckin' at each other!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like
|
|
"American Gladiators."</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I left him with Marcelino!</p>
|
|
<p><Jerry shrugs and holds his hands out.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: My Little Jerry! <Runs out.></p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>Continuation of last scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he O.K.?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, he's more than O.K., he won!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You let him fight?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have
|
|
seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff!
|
|
He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even
|
|
have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight
|
|
lasted two seconds.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How long do they usually last?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down
|
|
today.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Great!</p>
|
|
<p><George walks in.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Celia's up for parole.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Who?</p>
|
|
<p><They both look at Jerry.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm too tired.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (to Jerry): O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright?
|
|
'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright. <Kramer leaves.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (sadly): It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ah, I'm so sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make
|
|
up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. <Rubs his forehead.> Talking...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: In other words, a normal relationship.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all
|
|
seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, she'll still be an ex-con.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's not the same. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll
|
|
pick her up on something.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine meets a bummed-out Kurt at the coffee shop.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Kurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out?</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: I don't care.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You, uh...got a big stain on your shirt.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Yeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You already ate?</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: It's from yesterday.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Marcelino at the bodega.</i></p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Jerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight last night.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Then what is my check still doing up? We had a deal!</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Now we have a new deal.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: New deal?</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the check will be yours.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: This is outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit.</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO (puts the gum on the counter): 85 cents.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: 85 cents? <i>That</i> is outrageous!</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, that's out of the question.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the
|
|
cockfighter and be done with it!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You know, I think you're jealous.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Of what?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (points at Jerry like he's found him out): Yah, yah! You see in
|
|
Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because
|
|
Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, give me that rooster!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than
|
|
you ever will! Yah-yah! <Kramer leaves.></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - George in Betsy's office at the prison.</i></p>
|
|
<p>BETSY: George, Celia has listed you as a character reference. Whatever
|
|
you can tell us would certainly be helpful in her getting paroled. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, anything I can do to help, um...she's a wonderful girl.
|
|
Very smart. Very...crafty. </p>
|
|
<p>BETSY: Does she have any plans after she's released?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Plans. Schemes. She keeps talking about getting back together
|
|
with her old friends - "the gang," as she likes to call them,
|
|
you know. Yeah, they're hatching something, you can count on that. </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Marcelino at Jerry's apartment door.</i></p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Jerry! Tonight's fight-night. Where's my rooster?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer won't sell.</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Well, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take down your
|
|
check anyway.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, thank you, Marcelino.</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Well, perhaps someday you will do me a favor. And that day
|
|
is today. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's
|
|
main event.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You want Little Jerry to take a dive?</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Shhh, not so loud.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive.</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO: Can, too!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down
|
|
for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please
|
|
leave.</p>
|
|
<p>MARCELINO (leaving): Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: We'll see about that. <Runs to the window and shouts up to
|
|
Kramer, who's on the roof.> Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight
|
|
to win!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: O.K.!</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kurt at George's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Elaine said you would be the best person I could talk to.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (examining Kurt's head with a lamp): Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern.
|
|
I've seen a lot of this. </p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Oh, God.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should be happy now. </p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Happy? Why should I be happy?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You've still got pretty good coverage. Once the enemy advances
|
|
beyond this perimeter - <points at Kurt's head with a pen> - then
|
|
you won't be Kurt anymore.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Who will I be?</p>
|
|
<p><George points at himself. Kurt shudders.></p>
|
|
<p>KURT: How long do I have?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (solemnly): 14 months. Maybe 10.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Is there anything I can do?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious moment as if this was
|
|
the last year of your life. Because in many ways...it is. <There's
|
|
a knock at the door.> Excuse me.</p>
|
|
<p><George answers the door. Celia enters.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Celia? What are you doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>CELIA: Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (nervously): And you just decided to pop in...!</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kurt shows up at Elaine's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Kurt!</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Elaine...<holds out a wedding ring> Will you marry me? <Elaine
|
|
is shocked.></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's kitchen, training Little Jerry
|
|
for his cockfight.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah. He's lookin' good, huh Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. <Kramer picks
|
|
up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.> Little Jerry is lean, mean,
|
|
peckin' machine! <Kramer starts filling a pot with water.> What
|
|
are you doing with that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little
|
|
Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, Kramer...?</p>
|
|
<p><Kramer looks at Jerry.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Be careful. <George enters.> Hey, guess what! Little Jerry
|
|
ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Is that good?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know. Where have you been?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows
|
|
up at the door!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh my God! The break-out/pop-in!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered something even
|
|
better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like everytime
|
|
-</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (interrupts): George, this is a little too much for me - escaped
|
|
convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on. <Jerry leaves.></p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut back to Elaine and Kurt at Elaine's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey Kurt, slow down! I just can't marry you, whim-bam-boom! I
|
|
mean, I need some "fiance-time," I need some "make-my-girlfriends-jealous"
|
|
time...</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Plus, you want to get to know me.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, that too.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Well, how much time?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know...a year?</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: No, no, no...it has to be now.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Could I see the ring again?</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer at the cockfight in back
|
|
of Marcelino's store.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (to Elaine): So, you're actually considering it?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald.
|
|
Those'll be good times.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight.
|
|
What am I clinging to? <George comes over.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, sorry I'm late. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Where's Celia?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: She didn't want to come, she's not really into sports. <Kramer
|
|
comes over with Little Jerry.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, how's he doin'?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: He's got a big sweat going. <Takes an envelope out of his
|
|
pocket.> Oh, this came for you express-mail. It's from your parents.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (opens the envelope): Fifty dollars. I don't believe this!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: There's Marcelino. <Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge
|
|
white rooster.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look at the size of his bird!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kurt at George's door. Celia answers.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Hi, is George back from the cockfight yet? You know, I gotta thank
|
|
him, he changed my life.</p>
|
|
<p>CELIA: No, it must have been a good fight, he's not back yet.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Ah, damn. </p>
|
|
<p><Two detectives show up at the door behind Kurt.></p>
|
|
<p>DETECTIVE #1 (to Kurt): Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well, well,
|
|
well. Look who's here.</p>
|
|
<p>CELIA: Aw, man!</p>
|
|
<p>DETECTIVE #2 (to Kurt): Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding
|
|
and abetting a known fugitive.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT (laughs): I'm not George Costanza.</p>
|
|
<p>DETECTIVE #2: Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go!
|
|
<They escort Kurt and Celia out.></p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut back to the cockfight.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (to a woman at the fight): Muchos gracias. <Turns back to Jerry
|
|
and Kramer.> O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in
|
|
from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: He's a ringer!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Where's the tamale guy? <The bell rings, and the cockfight
|
|
begins.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Little Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him
|
|
outta there. </p>
|
|
<p><A man at the edge of the ring drops Little Jerry in. Everything now
|
|
happens in slow-motion.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (lunging for Little Jerry): Little Jerry!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Stop the fight!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (holds up one finger): Tamale!</p>
|
|
<p><Kramer lands in the ring and grabs ahold of Little Jerry. Marcelino's
|
|
rooster closes in. We see Jerry, George and Elaine with shocked expressions
|
|
on their faces, then hear pecking sounds and Kramer yelping and screaming
|
|
from inside the ring.></p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine talking to Kurt in jail on a phone through the
|
|
glass.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why did you get into a fist fight with the cop? You were innocent!</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: They thought I was George. I'm not that bald. I have too little
|
|
time left to take that kind of crap, so I slugged him.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, how long are you gonna be in here for?</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behavior, maybe...10?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, 10 to 14 months.</p>
|
|
<p>KURT: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p><Elaine hangs up the phone, takes Kurt's ring off her finger, drops
|
|
it in the tray and leaves.></p>
|
|
<p><i>End of episode.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>Transcribed by Brian Dickson on 4 Sept 2002.</i></p>
|
|
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<p
|
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align="center"> </p>
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
|
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
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}
|
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}
|
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</script>
|
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</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|