1109 lines
46 KiB
HTML
1109 lines
46 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Mom and Pop Store</h1>
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<p align="center">Transcribed by Brian Dickson<br>
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
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<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small></p>
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<p><br>
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SEINFELD Episode no. 94 "The Mom and Pop Store" (Original air
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date: 17 Nov 1994)<br>
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<br>
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Directed by Andy Ackerman. Written by Tom Gammill and Max Pross.<br>
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<br>
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Guest stars: <br>
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Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt)<br>
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Bryan Cranston (Tim Whatley)<br>
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Jon Voight (Himself)<br>
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Elsa Raven (Mom)<br>
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Michael Robello (Pop)<br>
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Tom Wright (Mr. Morgan)<br>
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Ken Thorley (Car Salesman)<br>
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Dan Frischman (Guy on phone)<br>
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Nancy Balbirer (Dentist #1 at party)<br>
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Rick Fitts (Dentist #2 at party)<br>
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Pat Asanti (Electrician)<br>
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Steve Brady (Contest winner)<br>
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Matt Gallini (Tough guy)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry's stand-up*: [I like the names they have for cars.] Like, no baron
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has ever owned a LeBaron. Or the Ford LTD. "LTD." Limited. It's
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a "limited" edition...what did they make, fifty million of those?
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"Yes, it's 'limited' to the number we can sell." Or when they
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try and mangle a positive word into a car name, you know how they'll do
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that? The "Integra." Oh, integrity? No, Integra. The "Supra."
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Or the "Impreza." Yeah? Well, I hope it's not a "lemona"...or
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you'll be hearing from my "lawya."<br>
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<br>
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*Due to an incomplete video transfer, the dialogue above [in brackets]
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has been filled in by the transcriber of the script (me, in other words).<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening scene - George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out
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an '89 Volvo.<br>
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<br>
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CAR SALESMAN: George, are you sure I can't show you any other cars?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's
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the car for me, it's the one I want. <br>
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<br>
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SALESMAN: I got a LeBaron convertible right here.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE (chuckles): N.I. Not interested.<br>
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<br>
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SALESMAN: It's got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was
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John Voight.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE (suddenly interested): Jon Voight?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone
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with Tim Whatley.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Okay, Tim. You're welcome. <Hangs up.><br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Was that Tim Whatley?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yes, it was. He wanted your address - you, my friend, are going
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to be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party. <Elaine raises
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her hands triumphantly, then gleefully struts her way to the kitchen.>
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You know, he's got that great apartment on 77th street, and they overlook
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where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thankgiving
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Day Parade?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I have always had a big crush on Tim Whatley. Why can't he ask
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me out? <Punctuates this by shoving Jerry.><br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh, he's a dentist. You don't want to go out with a dentist.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Why?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: He'll always be criticizing your brushing technique, it'll drive
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you crazy. <Mimics brushing his teeth> Away from the gums... <The
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door opens a little, George jangles the keys to his new car at Jerry and
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Elaine, then enters.><br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Uh - new car! <br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Ohhh! <br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Hey! Did you get the Volvo?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: A LeBaron?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: What Consumer? I'm the consumer.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Alright. Seems like...a strange choice.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Well, maybe so...but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Jon Voight? The actor?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE (boasting): That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner
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of the vehicle.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE (defensive): No, no...<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving
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Jon Voight's car.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Alright, maybe I do. So what.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I've never even seen him in a car. I mean, look at his movies.
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No cars. Deliverance - canoe. Midnight Cowboy - boots. Runaway Train...runaway
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train. <Kramer enters.><br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Hey.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Hey.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Jerry, you know that shoe repair place at the end of the block?
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|
Well, if they don't get some business, they're gonna have to shut down
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and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: I like coffee.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: I like <imitates Kramer> "cookies."<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Yeah, of course you do. And do you know why? Because you're a
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|
bunch of yuppies. It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are
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|
driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this
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neighborhood.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Well, what's so great about a Mom and Pop store? Let me tell you
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|
something. If my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't shop there.<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Hey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood for 48 years.
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|
Now, come on, Jerry. You've gotta have a pair of shoes in need of a cobblin.'<br>
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<br>
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|
JERRY: I really don't wear the kind of shoes that have to be cobbled.
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Well, what about sneakers? You know, they'll clean 'em. They do
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|
complete detailing. <br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Alright, take 'em.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER (happily): Yeah-yah.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene - Kramer dropping off a box full of Jerry's sneakers at Mom
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|
and Pop's shoe repair shop.<br>
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|
<br>
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POP: Kramer, without you, we'd be out of business.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Well you know, these sneakers, they belong to my neighbor, Jerry
|
|
Seinfeld? The comedian.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MOM: So many sneakers!<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
POP: They'll be ready a week from Thursday.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Oh, well, no rush. <wipes his nose> Uh oh.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
MOM: What's the matter?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Oh, I keep getting these nosebleeds.<br>
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|
<br>
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MOM: Oh, lie down, and put your head back.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Yeah. <Lies on the couch and cracks the back of his head against
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|
the armrest.> Hey, what's with your ceiling? <Mom and Pop look up.><br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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|
<br>
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|
POP: What?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER (stuffing tissue up his nose): Well, you got wires sticking out
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|
every which way. That looks dangerous, you should call the electrician.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
POP: You know, in the 48 years we've been here, I don't think we've ever
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|
called an electrician.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Yeah well, you should. This place could blow any minute.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
New scene - Elaine at Mr. Pitt's, listening to big band music on the radio.
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|
Mr. Pitt enters.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
MR. PITT: Elaine?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Yes, Mr. Pitt?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
MR. PITT: Have you gotten all the salt off those pretzels yet?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: No, I'm still working on it.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
MR. PITT: What in blazes are you listening to?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Artie Shaw. "Honeysuckle Jump." <The song ends.><br>
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|
<br>
|
|
DJ ON RADIO: That was Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump." <br>
|
|
<br>
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|
MR. PITT: Elaine! How did you know that?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh, my father used have a huge collection of big band records.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
DJ ON RADIO: Congratulations to our listener Wayne Hopper for identifying
|
|
it. And by doing so, he becomes our seventh person to land the WFBB-sponsored
|
|
Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. <Mr.
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|
Pitt hears this and is intrigued; mouths the words "Woody Woodpecker.">
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|
There are only three spots left. We're going to take a little break now;
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|
when we come back, you'll have three more chances to win a spot holding
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|
a rope under Woody Woodpecker.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
MR. PITT (to Elaine, excited): Could you identify the next song? Could
|
|
you? Could you?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Mr. Pitt, why would you want to hold onto the ropes on the Woody
|
|
Woodpecker balloon?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT: My father was a stern man. He forbad us to participate in any
|
|
activities that he thought were associated with the common man. The Thanksgiving
|
|
Day Parade was first on the list.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh. Alright, I'll do the best I can. <Turns up the radio.><br>
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|
<br>
|
|
DJ ON RADIO: Alright, here we go for the next spot under the balloon.
|
|
If you know the name of this song, call 555-BAND. <The music starts.
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|
Elaine listens intently.><br>
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|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT (impatiently): Well, Elaine? Do you know it? What song is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Will you shut up? I can't hear!<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT: I'm sorry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh! I've got it! It's "Next Stop Pottersville"! <Grabs
|
|
the phone to call it in.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. PITT (overjoyed): Goody! Yes! Yes! Yes! <Dances back and forth,
|
|
elated> Next Stop Pottersville, Next Stop Pottersville! You are a genius!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and George walking down the street toward George's new
|
|
car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You are gonna love this car. Even if you don't like Jon Voight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've a strange reason to
|
|
buy a car, because he might have driven it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What do you mean "might"? You don't think he really
|
|
owned this car?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, why would the guy make up something like that? Of all the
|
|
names he could pick, why settle on Jon Voight?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Don't you see, that's the genius of it. If he had said Liam Neeson,
|
|
you'd know he's making it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson with Jon Voight? Jerry,
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|
we're talking about Joe Buck. If you can play Joe Buck, Oskar Schindler's
|
|
a cake walk. <Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's about to get in.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, look at this, I stepped in gum.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Whoa, whoa, you're not getting in my car with gummy shoes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (shuts the car door): Alright, I'll change my shoes. <Heads back
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|
to his apartment. George follows.><br>
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|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (unimpressed): Liam Neeson. You know, he's not American.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Jerry and George coming back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry tosses
|
|
his gummy sneakers on the floor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Let me get a clean pair. <Goes into his room. George strides
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|
over to the window.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (singing): Everybody's talkin' at me...I can't hear a word they're
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|
sayin'...just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (yelling from his room): Kramer! <We hear Kramer's door slam
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|
open and shut. Kramer enters. Jerry comes out of his room.> Hey! Where's
|
|
all my sneakers?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You said take 'em.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Not all of 'em!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, obviously there was a miscommunication.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Obviously. So what am I supposed to wear?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, I left you a pair right here...<goes into Jerry's room
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|
and comes out with a pair of cowboy boots.> C'mon. There, put on those
|
|
boots.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I can't wear these!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: They're uncomfortable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: C'mon here, try 'em on. <Jerry sits down and puts the boots
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|
on.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Where did you get those?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I worked a club in Dallas one time and they couldn't afford to
|
|
pay me so they gave me these. Oh, I can't wear these! <Stands up.>
|
|
They look ridiculous!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Ah, you look like a cowboy! Huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: But I don't wanna be a cowboy!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, stop it. You know that friend of yours, Tim the dentist? I
|
|
got an invitation to his Thanksgiving Eve party.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, I got one too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh yeah? Huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, nothing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, what is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, it's just that I, uh...didn't get one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You didn't get one?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah, but he called me up and he asked for yours and Elaine's addresses,
|
|
I'm sure that means I'm invited.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Not necessarily. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, why would you call someone up and ask them for two addresses
|
|
if you're not invited to the party?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (mocking Jerry): That's the genius of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (picks up the phone): I'm callin' Elaine. See if she can find out
|
|
anything from Tim Whatley.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (to Kramer): Hey. I got Jon Voight's LeBaron. <Jingles the keys.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (impressed): Boss!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Mom and Pop talking to the electrician about the faulty wiring
|
|
in the ceiling of the shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POP: Four thousand dollars? We can't afford that!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELECTRICIAN: Well I'm afraid you're gonna have to do something about it,
|
|
because it's in violation of the building code. Otherwise, they're gonna
|
|
close you up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POP: But what if we can't pay for it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELECTRICIAN: Then I have to report you. Otherwise, I lose my license.
|
|
Sorry. <Exits.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
POP: 48 years, Mom! And now we have to close! All because of that idiot
|
|
and his bloody nose! <Kramer enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
KRAMER: Afternoon, Mom! Afternoon, Pop. You know you got a crack in the
|
|
sidewalk out there? Now, you oughta get that fixed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Pop glares at Kramer angrily.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George and Jerry driving along in John Voight's car. George
|
|
is humming the tune to "Everybody's Talkin.'"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: C'mon, put the top up, it's November!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I feel alive, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Let's check out the glove box. <Opens the glove compartment,
|
|
takes out a pencil.> Ah. Pencil. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey...you don't think...sure, that's Jon Voight's pencil!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: With Jon Voight's teeth marks. <Looks at the owner's manual.>
|
|
Owner's manual...you know what? This car was owned by Jon Voight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Ah! See? I told ya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Except Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (pulls over): So, what are you saying?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Nothing. I'm sure "Jon" probably mispelled his own name.
|
|
I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G...and an I! <Laughs uproariously.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (angrily): Get out of the car!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: That's right, you heard me. Get out! You are ruining this whole
|
|
experience for me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (sarcastically): Oh, look! There's Gregory Peck's bicycle!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Get out!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Get out!! <Jerry gets out and George drives away. A couple
|
|
of guys notice Jerry in his cowboy boots.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TOUGH GUY (threatingly): Hey, cowboy. Where's your horse? <Jerry slips
|
|
and slides in his cowboy boots and runs away.> Yeah, you better run!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Did they take anything?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, they didn't even touch me. I tripped because of these stupid
|
|
cowboy boots.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing you out of the car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You really seemed to enjoy it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It was kinda fun. <Elaine gives Jerry a cold cloth for his
|
|
jaw.> You know, maybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but he changed it
|
|
to J-O-N for show business. Well, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (sarcastic): Yeah, that's possible.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: How would you find out something like that...wait a minute, what
|
|
am I thinking? I've got the entire Yankee organization at my disposal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (to Elaine): He'll dispose of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Heh, that's right. See ya later. <Exits.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah! What'd you find out, Lois?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, I talked to Tim Whatley...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: And I asked him, "Should Jerry bring anything?"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Mmmm...and he said, "Why would Jerry bring anything?"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, but let me ask you this question.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Which word did he emphasize? Did he say, "Why would Jerry
|
|
bring anything?" or, "Why would Jerry bring anything?"
|
|
You emphasize "Jerry" or "bring."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I think he emphasized "would."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know what? The hell with this party, I don't even want to go
|
|
to begin with. <Kramer enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, so where's my sneakers?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: That's what I wanna know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What do you mean?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning, but when I went by the store
|
|
on my way home? The place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and Pop -
|
|
vrooop - vanished.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So all my sneakers are gone?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I'm afraid so. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been
|
|
asking around - they didn't even have any kids.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Mom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored, big
|
|
time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (amused): So. Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood...establish
|
|
trust...for 48 years. And then, run off with Jerry's sneakers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Apparently.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright, that's enough of this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Where ya goin'?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to pick up Mr. Pitt's security
|
|
pass for the parade.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why does he want to hold a rope underneath Woody Woodpecker in
|
|
the Thanksgiving Day Parade?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: He finds his laugh "intoxicating." <Laughs like Woody
|
|
Woodpecker, and exits.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George in a meeting at Yankee stadium.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. MORGAN: So George, what kind of promotional events are we talking
|
|
about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, I think we need more special days at the stadium, you know?
|
|
Like, uh...Joe Pepitone Day. Or, uh...Jon Voight Day.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. MORGAN: Jon Voight? The actor? <Rubs his eyes wearily.> Uh,
|
|
I make a motion that we have no more of these meetings that have been
|
|
initiated by George Costanza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson Day, you'd all be patting
|
|
me on the back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine at the Dixieland Deli, seated at a table with the other
|
|
contest winners.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONTEST WINNER (to Elaine): I guessed Stan Herman's "Boomtown Blues."
|
|
What'd you guess?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Um, it was, uh..."Next Stop Pottersville." <The group
|
|
is unimpressed.> Uh, do you know when they're giving out the passes?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CONTEST WINNER: After the music. <The band starts playing directly
|
|
behind Elaine. She is deafened by the loudness of the horns.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer walking down the street. His nose starts to bleed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh. Oh man. <Takes out a Kleenex and puts his head back. Jon
|
|
Voight comes out of a doorway and hails a cab.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
VOIGHT: Taxi! <Walks right by Kramer.> Taxi. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! <Voight waves at Kramer and hurriedly
|
|
gets in the cab. Kramer runs over to the car.> Hey, listen, can I ask
|
|
you something? Listen, listen...<Leans in the the open back window
|
|
of the cab. Defensively, Voight grabs Kramer's arm and bites it. Kramer
|
|
screams. The cab speeds off leaving Kramer in the street, stunned.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No Jon Voight Day, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No. Now I'll always have this doubt about the car. What, your
|
|
jaw still hurts?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, it's all swollen. I think I may have chipped a tooth when
|
|
I fell yesterday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You should have somebody take a look at that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm calling dentists all day here, there's nobody working the day
|
|
before Thanksgiving.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You going to the party? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, I don't know if I'm invited.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, there's going to be a lot of dentists there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, you're right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You don't want to suffer with this all weekend. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is killin' me. Well, I'll take
|
|
a chance. We'll go together.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Maybe I'll just meet you there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You don't want to go with me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Jerry, for all I know this guy went out of his way to not invite
|
|
you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The way I feel when I go places with you? <Kramer enters.>
|
|
Hey, so'd you find my sneakers yet?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No. <To George> But I did run into somebody you might be
|
|
interested in, a Mr. Jon Voight, the actor?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Jon Voight! Are you kiddin' me? Did you talk to him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, he was a little standoffish. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What, you didn't ask him about the car?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No, I couldn't, his cab pulled away. But he did, however, make
|
|
an impression on me. <Pulls up his sleeve and shows George his arm.>
|
|
Look.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: His tooth marks. He bit me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Jon Voight bit you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, what is he, a vampire?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No, it's justifiable. He thought I was going for his wallet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (looking at Kramer's arm): He left perfect imprints.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: That he did. Now, you got that pencil with the bite marks on it?
|
|
We get a trained eye to match 'em up, and we'll see whether or not you're
|
|
driving Jon Voight's car!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, it's stupid.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Why? Why isn't it possible? I mean, they're both bite marks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So you're gonna show up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and
|
|
Kramer's gnarled arm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It's worth a shot. <Goes to the door.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So, Kramer, you wanna go to the party together?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, look, come on, I'm an invited guest. I can't be aiding
|
|
and abetting some...party-crasher.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Tim Whatley's party. Jerry peeks his head around the corner,
|
|
then slowly moves through the crowd, covering his face to keep a low profile.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (under his breath, to a man at the party): Excuse me, uh...dentist?
|
|
You a dentist? <The guy shakes his head. Jerry moves on to another
|
|
guy.> Dentist? Are you a dentist?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to George and Kramer looking at the parade out the window.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: These are the balloons? Big deal, all I see is Woody Woodpecker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, what is he? Some sort of an instigator?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: That's right. He's a troublemaker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Elaine enters the party with a trophy under her arm, and runs into
|
|
Jerry.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, Elaine. Did you get my message?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What? I can't hear a word you're saying. I was stuck at the Dixieland
|
|
Deli all day. My head is still ringing. Where's Tim?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (pointing at the trophy): What is that, the Empire State Building?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What? I can't hear you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Elaine, would you marry me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I told you, I can't hear a word.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright. Forget it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Tim gets up from the couch and meets George and Kramer.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey, Tim. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Hey, George. Kramer, how ya doin.' <They shake hands.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Watch the arm! Tim, listen, we don't want to bother you, we know
|
|
you're busy here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: No, it's no problem, what is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Let me show you something, take a look at this... <Another
|
|
guy at the party interrupts.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUY: Alright Tim, I'm gonna get goin.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Alright, let me take down your number. <Grabs George's pencil,
|
|
then notices Jerry sitting on the couch.> Is that Jerry Seinfeld?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: He didn't come with us. <Tim walks over to Jerry.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Uh, Tim, the pencil...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, Tim.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Jerry. I didn't think you'd show.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Did you say, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show" or, "Jerry,
|
|
I didn't think you'd show"? <Elaine comes over.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Elaine! Hi!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Tim.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Well. I'm really glad you came.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Really glad you came.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (deaf): Uh huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM (picks up a bowl of nuts): Listen, Elaine, I've been wanting to ask
|
|
you...would you like to go out with me New Years Eve? <Elaine thinks
|
|
Tim is offering her a nut, and shakes her head no. Tim, rejected, walks
|
|
away.> Thanks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (puzzled): What? What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Cut to George and Kramer talking to another dentist at the party.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Let me ask you something. Could you tell if teeth marks on someone's
|
|
arm matched teeth marks on a pencil?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DENTIST: It's possible.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (to Kramer): Roll up your sleeve.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DENTIST: Somebody bit you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Not just someone. Jon Voight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DENTIST: Jon Voight bit you? <George notices Tim across the room with
|
|
the pencil in his mouth.> The pencil! Hey, hey! Get the pencil out
|
|
of your mouth, you're destroying Jon Voight's teeth marks!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: That's John Voight's pencil?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: That's right. I got his whole car downstairs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Are you the one who bought his LeBaron convertible?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (overjoyed to find out): Yes! Yes, I'm the one! Hey! So, you know
|
|
Jon Voight!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: Yes! Yes, I went to dental school with him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Jon Voight, the actor?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM: No. The periodontist. <George snaps the pencil in two.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Cut to Jerry by the window, getting one of the dentists at the party
|
|
to look at his chipped tooth.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
DENTIST: Can't this wait until Monday? Come by my office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Just a quick peek. I'm in agony.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DENTIST: Alright. Sit down. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (sits down): It's this one here in the back. <Tilts his head
|
|
back, and knocks Elaine's trophy out the window. A loud hissing sound
|
|
and commotion is heard from the street below. Everyone runs to the windows
|
|
to look.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh! You popped Woody Woodpecker!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIM (to Jerry): Hey, who invited you, anyway? You're a troublemaker! <Jerry
|
|
nervously laughs like Woody Woodpecker as the breeze from the popped balloon
|
|
blows in the window.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment, watching the Macy's
|
|
Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Hey, it looks like Woody Woodpecker is running out of
|
|
air. In fact, he's collapsing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Those kids look pretty disappointed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Especially that big kid up in the front. <Mr. Pitt is shown
|
|
on the television, trying to hold up the deflating Woody balloon.>
|
|
How old is he? <The phone rings.> Hello?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUY ON PHONE: Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yes it is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUY ON PHONE: You don't know me, but a really strange thing happened.
|
|
I was at a garage sale, and this old couple sold me a used pair of sneakers
|
|
they claimed belonged to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Can I have the address of that garage sale? Okay, thank you very
|
|
much. <To Kramer> I found Mom and Pop, they're sellin' my sneakers!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Where are they?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Parsippany, New Jersey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Let's go!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: My car's in the shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, how are we getting to Parsippany?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Cut to Jerry and Kramer sitting in the back of a Trailways bus, en
|
|
route to Parsippany. Kramer's nose starts to bleed again.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Uh. Jerry. These nosebleeds are starting again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (wipes Kramer's brow): Maybe we should get you to a hospital.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (a la Ratso Rizzo in Midnight Cowboy): Hey, I ain't goin' to no
|
|
Bellevue! Look at me, I'm fallin' apart here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'" begins to play as they continue
|
|
on to Jersey, in a send-up of Midnight Cowboy that has to be seen to be
|
|
appreciated.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
End of episode.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Dec. 30, 2002.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><br>
|
|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
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|
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|
|
|
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<p
|
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align="center"> </p>
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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}
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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</script></body>
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<!-- text below generated by server. PLEASE REMOVE -->
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-->
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<script language="JavaScript">var PUpage="76001089"; var PUprop="geocities"; </script>
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