812 lines
39 KiB
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812 lines
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<h1>The Nose Job</h1>
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[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>Written by: Peter Mehlman<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>Episode no. 26<br>
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pc: 309, season 3, episode 9<br>
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Broadcast date: November 21, 1991<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>The Cast</p>
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<p>Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Guest Stars:</p>
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<p>Susan Diol....................... Audrey<br>
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Roy Brocksmith................... Landlord<br>
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Tawny Kitaen..................... Isabel<br>
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Joseph V. Perry.................. Newsstand Owner<br>
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David Blackwood.................. Interviewer </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Opening monologue.</p>
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<p>Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half<br>
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feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down
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there<br>
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on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear<br>
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physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half<br>
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feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out,
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give me<br>
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some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see
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is typing<br>
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everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the
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words on<br>
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there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in the roller
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of the<br>
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typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, I'd
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like to<br>
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get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there,
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only I'm<br>
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allowed up here."</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>First scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry and George are at a newsstand.</p>
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<p>George: Where'd you meet her?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I met her on an elevator.</p>
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<p>George: On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Impossible, right?</p>
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<p>George: You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time
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bomb. </p>
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<p>What got into you?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex.
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The</p>
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<p>words just came out of my mouth.</p>
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<p>George: Wow. What'd you say?</p>
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<p>(flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator)</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.</p>
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<p>(end of flashback)</p>
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<p>George: Wow.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Can you believe I did that?</p>
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<p>George: What did she say?</p>
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<p>(another flashback)</p>
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<p>Isabel: What crop circles? </p>
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<p>(end of flashback)</p>
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<p>Jerry: Not a good sign.</p>
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<p>George: Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand</p>
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<p>owner) Do you know what the crop circles are? </p>
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<p>Newsstand owner: Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?</p>
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<p>Jerry: You got something in your teeth there.</p>
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<p>George: What?</p>
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<p>Jerry: It's green.</p>
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<p>George: Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all</p>
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<p>afternoon.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Did you bump into anybody you knew?</p>
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<p>George: I had a job interview.</p>
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<p>Jerry: How'd it go?</p>
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<p>George: Take a guess.</p>
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<p>(flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's spinached</p>
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<p>teeth.)</p>
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<p>Interviewer: Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present
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time,</p>
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<p>but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.</p>
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<p>George: Ok, thanks.</p>
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<p>(end of flashback)</p>
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<p>Jerry: What do you need a job, you got Audrey.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, right.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What's the matter?</p>
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<p>George: Oh, nothing.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What?</p>
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<p>George: You won't think I'm a bad person?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Too late for that.</p>
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<p>George: 'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a</p>
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<p>psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, she's got a big nose.</p>
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<p>George: I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.</p>
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<p>(momentary flashback to Audrey's tremendous nose)</p>
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<p>Jerry: It's a schnoz.</p>
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<p>George: Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a
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little</p>
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<p>short of perfection.</p>
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<p>Jerry: A little.</p>
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<p>George: So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should
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be</p>
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<p>grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But
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I have</p>
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<p>to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose.
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I don't</p>
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<p>ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night,
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I tell</p>
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<p>myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about
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it. I</p>
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<p>look at her, I see nose.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Stop being so concerned with looks.</p>
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<p>(momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number)</p>
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<p>Jerry: Have you said anything to her about it?</p>
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<p>George: I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had
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a</p>
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<p>smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place.
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She'd be</p>
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<p>out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that.
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And</p>
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<p>I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Alright, shut up, here they come.</p>
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<p>George (waving): How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this
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thing.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza at Jerry's</p>
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<p>apartment.</p>
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<p>Kramer: So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in
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her house</p>
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<p>so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and
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he</p>
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<p>takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud.
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So</p>
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<p>Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord
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that</p>
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<p>you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?</p>
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<p>Kramer: No no, he's never met her. She's in California.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Are you coming with me?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc, Peter Von Nostrand.</p>
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<p>George: Why don't you just commit yourself already?</p>
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<p>Audrey: What is so special about this jacket?</p>
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<p>Elaine: He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.</p>
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<p>Audrey: What's the smudge on your hand?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm
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going</p>
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<p>back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.</p>
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<p>George: What, you didn't wash all day?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women
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at</p>
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<p>this club. Ohh, man.</p>
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<p>Audrey: It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually</p>
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<p>find it kind of intimidating.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Kramer!</p>
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<p>Kramer: What? What?</p>
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<p>Elaine: How could you say something like that?!</p>
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<p>Kramer: What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.</p>
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<p>Elaine: No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.</p>
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<p>Audrey: No, it's ok.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What did you have to say that for?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, I was just trying to help out.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.
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</p>
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<p>Kramer: You see what happens when you try to be nice?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Mid-episode monologue.</p>
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<p>But what would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking,
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all</p>
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<p>the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last?
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About</p>
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<p>thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big."
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"That's ok,</p>
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<p>your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye, ok, thank
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you</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>very much."</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>George and Audrey are in Elaine's apartment.</p>
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<p>Audrey: Elaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets
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back. </p>
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<p>What are you thinking about?</p>
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<p>George: Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?</p>
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<p>Audrey: You look like you've got something on your mind.</p>
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<p>George: Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant
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pause) </p>
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<p>So how about that Kramer, huh?</p>
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<p>Audrey: How about him?</p>
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<p>George: They way he just says stuff.</p>
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<p>Audrey: He sure does.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.</p>
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<p>Audrey: So, what did you think?</p>
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<p>George: About the pizza?</p>
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<p>Audrey: No, about the nose job.</p>
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<p>George: Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?</p>
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<p>Audrey: Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other,
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but</p>
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<p>these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so
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inclined. </p>
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<p>And again, I'm not suggesting.</p>
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<p>Audrey: I know, they're good.</p>
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<p>George: Peter Jennings had one.</p>
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<p>Audrey: Really?</p>
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<p>George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating
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class</p>
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<p>had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...</p>
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<p>Audrey: Uh huh.</p>
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<p>George: It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist.</p>
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<p>Audrey: I hate the dentist.</p>
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<p>George: It's a cleaning.</p>
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<p>Audrey: So you really think I should do this?</p>
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<p>George: If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will
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tell you</p>
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<p>this: Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone</p>
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<p>it, but it's a fact of life.</p>
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<p>Audrey: Well, maybe I should.</p>
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<p>George: What the hell.</p>
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<p>Elaine (barging in): Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job?</p>
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<p>George: Me? I didn't say anything.</p>
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<p>Elaine: You encouraged her to get one.</p>
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<p>George: I didn't encourage. No encourage.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Peter Jennings had one?</p>
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<p>George: It's possible.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, I think you should accept her for who she is.</p>
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<p>Audrey: No, George is right. I want to get one.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I think it's a mistake.</p>
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<p>George: Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.</p>
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<p>George: I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad
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dudes.</p>
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<p>George (checking his watch): Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the</p>
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<p>bandages off at four o'clock.</p>
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<p>Jerry: We have time.</p>
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<p>George: It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face.</p>
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<p>Jerry: It is exciting.</p>
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<p>George: Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have
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ever</p>
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<p>met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and
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so</p>
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<p>attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is
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facing my</p>
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<p>penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.</p>
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<p>George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Then what?</p>
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<p>George: He still wins but it's not a blowout.</p>
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<p>Jerry: She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting</p>
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<p>scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm
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helpless,</p>
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<p>I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.</p>
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<p>(flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment)</p>
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<p>Jerry (holding up a piece of paper): I don't want to see this woman anymore
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but</p>
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<p>I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me.
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Help</p>
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<p>me.</p>
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<p>Kramer (taking the paper and tearing it to pieces): I'm proud of you.</p>
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<p>(end of flashback)</p>
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<p>Jerry: So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.</p>
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<p>George: Good for you.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean
|
|
it was</p>
|
|
<p>just completely uninhibited.</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and
|
|
not</p>
|
|
<p>caring.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's not like that at all.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: How do you even know the jacket is there?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well I don't, I'm guessing.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember
|
|
that</p>
|
|
<p>I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're
|
|
gonna</p>
|
|
<p>be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like
|
|
if you'd</p>
|
|
<p>listened to your friend, Elaine, </p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: George?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: Enough.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Are you sure you want us here for this?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Shouldn't a doctor do it?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their horror.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It looks good.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Great job.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You got butchered.</p>
|
|
<p>George faints.</p>
|
|
<p>An undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George to his
|
|
feet.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Let's put him over here.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (to a fleeing Audrey): Where are you going?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey (with hand covering nose): To the doctor!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: How ya feeling?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Too much salt in my diet.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Can I get you anything?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Nah, I'm good.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You sure? Anything?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No, it didn't. No, it didn't.</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's like, all dented.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Seems to be.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern</p>
|
|
<p>science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't
|
|
be</p>
|
|
<p>stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Shut up, George.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Shut up?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Interesting.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring a bowl of
|
|
cereal,</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry has cracked.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I don't have it, I threw it out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You're lying! You got it, I want that number!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I told you, I threw it out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Give it to me!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, I changed my mind, I want that number.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the
|
|
number.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I was lying, give it to me!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, you told me not to!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I want that number!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah!
|
|
Yeah! </p>
|
|
<p>Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at
|
|
you! </p>
|
|
<p>Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the
|
|
mirror,</p>
|
|
<p>cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and
|
|
do it</p>
|
|
<p>anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching
|
|
you</p>
|
|
<p>destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal and
|
|
the bowl,</p>
|
|
<p>then storms out again.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about her
|
|
nose,</p>
|
|
<p>George is trying not to look at it.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: The doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the
|
|
septum. </p>
|
|
<p>Over here...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: You see this perinasal sinus cavity?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, I got it.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: You see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge
|
|
dent.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, phew.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: So anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: Remember we talked about taking a trip together?</p>
|
|
<p>George: We did?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hawaii?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this.</p>
|
|
<p>George (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
right</p>
|
|
<p>now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year,
|
|
there's</p>
|
|
<p>a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty
|
|
dangerous.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: I never heard that.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh yeah. My friend lived there.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: We could go to the Caribbean.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on
|
|
a plane</p>
|
|
<p>right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me,
|
|
he</p>
|
|
<p>used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word
|
|
there,</p>
|
|
<p>uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that
|
|
stop you</p>
|
|
<p>from going. You could go. I don't mind.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: George, I don't think this is working.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is rehearsing with Isabel.</p>
|
|
<p>Isabel: Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear</p>
|
|
<p>Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm Nelson!</p>
|
|
<p>Isabel: That's not the line, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma,
|
|
I just</p>
|
|
<p>need more time.</p>
|
|
<p>Isabel: I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around,
|
|
I just go</p>
|
|
<p>crazy thinking about you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun.</p>
|
|
<p>Isabel: Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry (to himself): Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Cut to the table where a slightly translucent Jerry's brain is playing
|
|
chess</p>
|
|
<p>with a similarly visible Jerry's penis.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain: Well I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say
|
|
we</p>
|
|
<p>play one for all the marbles?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Penis: Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you
|
|
have</p>
|
|
<p>any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain: I can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little</p>
|
|
<p>acting scenes.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Penis: Oh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't
|
|
put up</p>
|
|
<p>with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one
|
|
hour,</p>
|
|
<p>then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the
|
|
night.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain: What about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what
|
|
that's</p>
|
|
<p>like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do</p>
|
|
<p>whatever it is you do. You disgust me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Penis: Oh, go read a book.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain: Enough chatting, let's play.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey
|
|
to</p>
|
|
<p>the hospital.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (filling a pipe): Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got</p>
|
|
<p>everything?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger)
|
|
Here.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What do I need this for?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Because we're engaged.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: We're engaged?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Um hm.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Kramer, this is too big.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (lighting his pipe): It's my mom's.</p>
|
|
<p>A stout man walks around the corner.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My
|
|
father</p>
|
|
<p>asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer)
|
|
And</p>
|
|
<p>you must be Professor Von Nostrand?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yes, yes I am.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: My contention?</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: Yes, your contention.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yes, that's my contention.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I heard him contend that.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: It's too bad about your father.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, it was a frame-up.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work</p>
|
|
<p>you're doing.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: She does fine work.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over
|
|
to</p>
|
|
<p>anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's
|
|
this</p>
|
|
<p>way.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: How kind of you.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: You know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain appears
|
|
to have</p>
|
|
<p>the upper hand.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain: What's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha
|
|
ha ha ha</p>
|
|
<p>ha!</p>
|
|
<p>Isabel: Nelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part
|
|
of</p>
|
|
<p>you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Penis: It's killing me. (Makes a move)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain: That's your move?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Penis: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain: Well that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Penis (beginning to cough and struggle): Getting weak... Losing</p>
|
|
<p>power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing</p>
|
|
<p>without me. Nothing!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Brain (before disappearing himself): Punk.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working.</p>
|
|
<p>Isabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Back to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you
|
|
he's quite</p>
|
|
<p>popular with the ladies.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: My father, really? I had no idea.</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular,
|
|
came</p>
|
|
<p>around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have
|
|
been</p>
|
|
<p>your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street,
|
|
drunken</p>
|
|
<p>stumblebum.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You don't say?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I found it!</p>
|
|
<p>Landlord: The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt
|
|
45 from a</p>
|
|
<p>can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees,</p>
|
|
<p>screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy
|
|
ape, and bring</p>
|
|
<p>back that box of Danish!"</p>
|
|
<p>Throughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and more agitated.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Finally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>The four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: So I grabbed the guy by the collar.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So I assume the jig was up.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, pretty much.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the jacket.
|
|
Audrey</p>
|
|
<p>walks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hi!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey (to George): Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>George (smitten): Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe
|
|
it!</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey (motioning to Kramer): Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So, will I see you later tonight?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey: Not sure.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder): Well, I'll
|
|
check</p>
|
|
<p>you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?</p>
|
|
<p>Audrey (holding up her hand to show the stamp): I didn't wash.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine (after they leave): Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect</p>
|
|
<p>proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have</p>
|
|
<p>though she's like--</p>
|
|
<p>George (interrupting): Elaine. Shut up.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Closing monologue</p>
|
|
<p>The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we
|
|
really<br>
|
|
need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They
|
|
know<br>
|
|
they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need
|
|
the<br>
|
|
abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When
|
|
someone<br>
|
|
goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform
|
|
a<br>
|
|
cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the<br>
|
|
skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term."</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|
|
<!-- text below generated by server. PLEASE REMOVE -->
|
|
<script language="JavaScript">var PUpage="76001089"; var PUprop="geocities"; </script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.geocities.com/js_source/pu5geo.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.geocities.com/js_source/ygIELib9.js?v3"></script><script language="JavaScript">var yviContents='http://us.toto.geo.yahoo.com/toto?s=76001089&l=NE&b=1&t=1034710680';yviR='us';yfiEA(0);</script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mc/mc.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://domainpending.com/js_source/geov2.js"></script><script language="javascript">geovisit();</script><noscript></noscript> |