926 lines
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926 lines
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<h1>The Opera</h1>
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<p align="left">[Transcribed by William Fifield]</p>
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<p align="left"><br>
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First aired November 4, 1992<br>
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Writer Larry Charles<br>
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Director Tom Cherones<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Elaine Benes Julie Louis Dreyfus<br>
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George Costanza Jason Alexander<br>
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Cosmo Kramer Michael Richards<br>
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Joe Divola Peter Crombie<br>
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Susan Ross Heidi Swedberg<br>
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Man #1 Tom Celli<br>
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Man #2 Jason Wingreen<br>
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Man #3 Glen Chin ("Harry Fong")<br>
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Mr Reichman Ross Evans<br>
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Mrs Reichman Harriet S. Miller<br>
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Usher Bill Saluga<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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COMEDY CLUB <br>
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<br>
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The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all
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the<br>
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same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is
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like<br>
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the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo<br>
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|
is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men
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are<br>
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undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes
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one<br>
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step over and she marries the next guy. Thats why the wedding vow isn't
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'do<br>
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you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.<br>
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<br>
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INSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: (answering machine) leave a message and Ill call you back, thanks.<br>
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JOE DIVOLA: Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my<br>
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tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you
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do,<br>
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you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you<br>
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badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now Im
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gonna<br>
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put the kibosh on you. You know Ive kiboshed before, and I will kibosh<br>
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again.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY'S APARTMENT.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY ENTERS<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER ENTERS<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: So, what do you think?<br>
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JERRY: About what?<br>
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KRAMER: About the opera.<br>
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JERRY: Nah, I don't wanna go.<br>
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KRAMER: You gotta go.<br>
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JERRY: I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings?<br>
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You got something to say, say it!<br>
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KRAMER: Jerry, you don't understand, thats the way they talk in Italy,<br>
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they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.<br>
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JERRY: All right, all right.<br>
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KRAMER: Thats the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its<br>
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got that sing songy quality. Its the language Jerry, the language<br>
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JERRY: So why don't they talk like that now?<br>
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KRAMER: Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were<br>
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tired.<br>
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<br>
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BUZZER<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Better get that<br>
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JERRY: Yeah?<br>
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ELAINE: (intercom) its me!<br>
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JERRY: Come on up.<br>
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KRAMER: So, huh?<br>
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JERRY: I don't know<br>
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KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The<br>
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great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.<br>
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JERRY: Well its very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard<br>
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they're impossible to get.<br>
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KRAMER: Oh, well I have many associates.<br>
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JERRY: I don't know, opera, its not my kind of thing.<br>
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KRAMER: All right, you not gonna go Im not gonna go, Im gonna call the<br>
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whole thing off.<br>
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JERRY: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, thats not fair, what about<br>
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George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?<br>
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KRAMER: You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the<br>
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Miana! <br>
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JERRY: Well I guess if Im the Miana I should go. All right, all right.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE ENTERS<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Hi!<br>
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JERRY: Hi!<br>
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KRAMER: Hey! Hi Elaine!<br>
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ELAINE: You got the tickets right?<br>
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KRAMER: Well no, I don't have them on me.<br>
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ELAINE: What? Thats why I came all the way over here.<br>
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KRAMER: My friends got 'em, Im going to pick them up tomorrow.<br>
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ELAINE: Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one<br>
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right?<br>
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KRAMER: Oh yeah!<br>
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JERRY: So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.<br>
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ELAINE: Its killing you isnt it?<br>
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JERRY: Yeah, so Joeys a great lover of the opera<br>
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ELAINE: Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody<br>
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whos interested in something other than nick at night. Now hes got a
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grip<br>
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on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.<br>
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<br>
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JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT<br>
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<br>
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Opera music playing (Paliachi?)<br>
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<br>
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Divola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are scattered
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on<br>
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the floor.<br>
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<br>
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|
JERRY'S APARTMENT<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Well Im looking forward to meeting him.<br>
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ELAINE: I've got to go<br>
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JERRY: Where are you going, whats the rush?<br>
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ELAINE: I'm going to surprise Joey, Ive never been to his apartment so
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Im<br>
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just going to 'pop in'<br>
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|
JERRY: Oh, good, men love that!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Hey!<br>
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KRAMER: You've got a message buddy.<br>
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|
JERRY: Ooo, could be from that blonde<br>
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KRAMER: Oo yiggity diggigg<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA:(answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair
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on<br>
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my tongue'<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DIVOLA HAS HIS HAND OVER A CANDLE AND IS LAUGHING<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY'S APARTMENT<br>
|
|
<br>
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JERRY: (shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that
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|
guy's<br>
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|
gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....<br>
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|
KRAMER: Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of<br>
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|
yourself, <br>
|
|
JERRY: What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand<br>
|
|
he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?<br>
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KRAMER: OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!<br>
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|
JERRY: I'm gonna call the cops. Thats what Im doing, Im calling the<br>
|
|
cops.<br>
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|
KRAMER: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? Theyre not going
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to<br>
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|
do anything!<br>
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|
JERRY: What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the
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|
cops,<br>
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|
they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what
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the<br>
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kibosh means, its a kibosh!<br>
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KRAMER: Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.<br>
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JERRY: I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some
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deal<br>
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of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.<br>
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KRAMER: Call him and tell him<br>
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JERRY: Thats what Ill do, Ill just call him and tell him, Ill tell
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him.<br>
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Thats all Ill do. He's a human being, Ill talk to him. He'll understand.<br>
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Right?<br>
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KRAMER: Right.... Don't mention my name<br>
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JERRY: Oh, I got the machine.<br>
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KRAMER: Whats his message like?<br>
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|
JERRY: Nice!<br>
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KRAMER: Eh!<br>
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JERRY: (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really
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|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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|
think<br>
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|
theres been a huge colossal misunderstanding,<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Big! Big!<br>
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|
JERRY: and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the<br>
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|
whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.<br>
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|
<br>
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JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT<br>
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|
<br>
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|
The door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Joey? Joey?<br>
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|
<br>
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She sees a wall covered in photos of her.<br>
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Joe Divola enters and shuts the front door.<br>
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|
<br>
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ELAINE: Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me!<br>
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JOE DIVOLA: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.<br>
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ELAINE: You left your door open.<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: I know, I like to encourage intruders.<br>
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ELAINE: (laughs) Whats all this?<br>
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JOE DIVOLA: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.<br>
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|
ELAINE: Where did you get all these pictures?<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your<br>
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office, your apartment, shopping, showering.<br>
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ELAINE: Showering?<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to
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see?<br>
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ELAINE: In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day<br>
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|
person!... Are you all right?<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: Why<br>
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|
ELAINE: Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself?<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?<br>
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|
ELAINE: Thats a good question, good question, its very... exerstential!<br>
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|
Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: What are you doing here?<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze.<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: Were you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from
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|
that<br>
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|
friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going.<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: Really?<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something<br>
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|
on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere
|
|
so<br>
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|
Im just gonna get the uh..<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Divola is blocking the door with his head.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?<br>
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|
ELAINE: Uh.. Im Elaine!<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh.<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: Do you think Im a clown, Nedda?<br>
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|
ELAINE: Do I think you're a clown? No, not if its bad to be a clown,
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|
if<br>
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|
its bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its
|
|
good<br>
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|
to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing.<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is
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|
he.<br>
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|
I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name.<br>
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|
ELAINE: Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, Im gonna...
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|
get<br>
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|
out of here.<br>
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|
<br>
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Divola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave.<br>
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|
<br>
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JOE DIVOLA: Pagliacci kills his wife.<br>
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|
ELAINE: Se, now thats terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all,
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|
I<br>
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|
dont know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume<br>
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|
that there is big big trouble for that clown<br>
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|
JOE DIVOLA: You're not leaving<br>
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|
<br>
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Elaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine leaves.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY'S APARTMENT.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry:(on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, thats<br>
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|
not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd<br>
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|
investigate. So whats the difference, Im a comedian of the United States,<br>
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|
and Ill tell you Im under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway,<br>
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|
ok bye.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Knock at door.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: (cautiously) Who is it?<br>
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|
GEORGE: It's George.<br>
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<br>
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|
George enters wearing a very small tuxedo.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: What, are you locking the door now?<br>
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|
JERRY: Well, well, look at you. Its a little skimpy there isn't it?<br>
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|
GEORGE: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when
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I<br>
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|
made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.<br>
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|
JERRY: Ooo, that was a bad toast.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It wasn't that bad.<br>
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|
JERRY: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.<br>
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|
GEORGE: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.<br>
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JERRY: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a
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|
Red<br>
|
|
Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were<br>
|
|
just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of
|
|
the<br>
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|
worst all time toasts.<br>
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|
GEORGE: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that,
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|
he<br>
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|
could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's
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|
not<br>
|
|
going tonight you know.<br>
|
|
JERRY: What do you mean not going? why not?<br>
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|
GEORGE: I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at
|
|
the<br>
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|
airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why doesn't she pay for hers?<br>
|
|
GEORGE: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner,<br>
|
|
she doesn't even reach for the check. Thats all Im asking for is a reach.<br>
|
|
Is that so much to ask for?<br>
|
|
JERRY: It's nice to get a reach.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Loud thump is heard from the front door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Who is it?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It's me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is on the floor<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What, are you locking the door now?<br>
|
|
JERRY: Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I am dressed.<br>
|
|
JERRY: You're going like this?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.<br>
|
|
JERRY: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!<br>
|
|
KRAMER: People do, I don't.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well what about me! If you're going like that, Im not going like<br>
|
|
this.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think Im comfortable here.
|
|
I<br>
|
|
can't change, Ive got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I
|
|
cant<br>
|
|
go like this alone!<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer
|
|
to<br>
|
|
town hall than yours?<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Thats not the issue, we're friends, if Ive got to be<br>
|
|
uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!<br>
|
|
JERRY: All right, all right, Ill wear this. It's bad enough Ive got
|
|
to go<br>
|
|
to the opera Ive got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is playing opera music<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Would you turn that down! What is that crap!<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It's Pagliacci!<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got
|
|
two<br>
|
|
extra tickets.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Why? What happened?<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend<br>
|
|
isn't going either.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Thats fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five<br>
|
|
hundred a ticket.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What? Really?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: People are looking for tickets here?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci.
|
|
Ha,<br>
|
|
we're gonna clean up!<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh yeah right.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: OK come on, lets go get the tickets.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: All right, all right.<br>
|
|
JERRY: All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll<br>
|
|
meet you in front of the theatre.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh yeah!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer and George leave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
INSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Opera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown make up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
END OF ACT 1<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
OUTSIDE THE THEATRE.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine are waiting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Cherry Binaca, its new.<br>
|
|
JERRY: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then
|
|
a<br>
|
|
year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry,<br>
|
|
start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!<br>
|
|
ELAINE: It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different<br>
|
|
person.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and<br>
|
|
Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here,
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
I feel<br>
|
|
very vulnerable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, hey, what are you doing, thats my quarter.<br>
|
|
MAN#!: No it's not, it's mine.<br>
|
|
JERRY: I was just flipping it, it's mine.<br>
|
|
MAN#!: No, I dropped it, it's mine.<br>
|
|
JERRY: All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't
|
|
try<br>
|
|
and tell me it's yours.<br>
|
|
MAN#!: Well it is mine.<br>
|
|
JERRY: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think?<br>
|
|
You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look
|
|
at<br>
|
|
this, here's a dollar here look, there, thats how much I care about money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry tears up the dollar.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAN#!: You think I care about money, thats how much I care about money,
|
|
I<br>
|
|
don't care about money.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh yeah, well why dont you Just get lost.<br>
|
|
MAN#!: Why don't you get lost.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Because I was standing here, thats why.<br>
|
|
MAN#!: Oh Yeah?<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The man walks away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got
|
|
a<br>
|
|
problem?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IN THE PARK<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Joe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the park.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PARK GUY#1: Hey clown!<br>
|
|
PARK GUY#2: hey clown!<br>
|
|
PARK GUY#1: Make us laugh, clown!<br>
|
|
PARK GUY#2: Nice face, clown!<br>
|
|
PARK GUY#2: Make me laugh, clown!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Divola kicks them all to the ground.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ALLEYWAY<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer and George are trying to sell the tickets.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci,
|
|
come<br>
|
|
on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries,
|
|
he<br>
|
|
sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all<br>
|
|
right.<br>
|
|
MAN#2: Hey, hey. Are you selling.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh yeah, Im selling.<br>
|
|
MAN#2: Where are they?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and<br>
|
|
went to heaven.<br>
|
|
MAN#2: What do you want for them.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: All right, Ill tell you what Ill do. Cause you look like a nice<br>
|
|
guy, a thousand dollars for the duce.<br>
|
|
MAN#2: I'll give you five hundred for the pair.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Ok, it's a deal!<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Pzzzt. No.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No? Are you crazy?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Look, let me handle this.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Five hundred dollars, thats a great deal!<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The man walks away<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you?<br>
|
|
That was a three hundred dollar profit.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Look, I know what Im doing here George.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: This is not a Metallica concert, its an opera alright, a little<br>
|
|
dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here
|
|
and<br>
|
|
sell it.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, yeah.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Thank you very much. You just stand over there, Ill stand over<br>
|
|
here.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I know where Im standing.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Alright.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey!<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (shouting) Get your Paliachi!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
OUTSIDE THEATRE<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Where are they already?<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteens father-in-law, Mr Reichman.<br>
|
|
George and I were just talking about that today, I cant believe it! Thats<br>
|
|
the guy who threw George out of the wedding.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast!<br>
|
|
JERRY: Do you remember the curse toast?<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh yeah, the curse toast.<br>
|
|
JERRY: So, can you believe that message? Now Ive got to spend the rest
|
|
of<br>
|
|
my life looking over my shoulder.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Me too<br>
|
|
JERRY: Crazy Joe Divola<br>
|
|
ELAINE: How do you know his name?<br>
|
|
JERRY: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I never told you his name.<br>
|
|
JERRY: I never told you his name.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Wait a second, who are we talking about here?<br>
|
|
JERRY: Joe Divola.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Right, Joe Divola<br>
|
|
JERRY: How do you know his name?<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They click<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh my god, its Joe Divola<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Is he stalking you? are you kidding me?<br>
|
|
JERRY: That madman is trying to kill me.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused<br>
|
|
me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his<br>
|
|
name!!<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with<br>
|
|
you! He'll think Im the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away
|
|
his<br>
|
|
girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oooohh, what about me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Divola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA: Excuse me<br>
|
|
ELAINE&JERRY: Aaahhhhh!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ALLEYWAY<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George still hasn't sold the ticket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: But this is Pavarotti!<br>
|
|
MAN#3: Three hundred dollars, thats a lot of money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr & Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR REICHMAN: You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last<br>
|
|
yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: All right, Ill tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, lets
|
|
stop<br>
|
|
jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, Ive got people<br>
|
|
waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.<br>
|
|
MR REICHMAN: Scalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse
|
|
me.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking.<br>
|
|
MR REICHMAN: Costanza!?<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Mr Reichman?<br>
|
|
MR REICHMAN: You've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets.<br>
|
|
MRS REICHMAN: Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair<br>
|
|
transplant!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
OUTSIDE THE THEATRE<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA: Anything is welcome, I accept change.<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy.<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA: You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate<br>
|
|
me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm telling you, the guy took.....<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA: And I don't need people like you looking down their noses
|
|
at<br>
|
|
me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get
|
|
by.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mrs Reichman runs past<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS REICHMAN: Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA: What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that
|
|
it?<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't<br>
|
|
really work out.<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA: You people make me sick.<br>
|
|
JERRY: That is one angry clown!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
COMEDY CLUB<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be
|
|
that<br>
|
|
you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?",
|
|
"I'm not<br>
|
|
working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's
|
|
a clown!".<br>
|
|
How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want
|
|
to<br>
|
|
be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad,
|
|
it's<br>
|
|
actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done.<br>
|
|
Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around
|
|
them,<br>
|
|
is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this
|
|
guys<br>
|
|
Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
END OF ACT 2<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
JERRY: (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the<br>
|
|
heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it!<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes<br>
|
|
from bugs bunny cartoons.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look Im<br>
|
|
serious, Im not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it.<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA: I don't want any money.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I smell cherry.<br>
|
|
JOE DIVOLA: It's Binaca.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Binaca?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking to Crazy<br>
|
|
Joe. They run away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ALLEYWAY<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is finalizing the deal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What did we say? Two seventy-five?<br>
|
|
MAN#3: Two fifty.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Two fifty? Are you sure<br>
|
|
MAN#3: Yeah, yeah, Im sure.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: All right, all right, two fifty.<br>
|
|
SUSAN: George!<br>
|
|
GEORGE: S-Susan<br>
|
|
SUSAN: I can't believe it, Im so glad I caught you.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport.<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Oh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in<br>
|
|
Philadelphia.<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So what, they dont have another plane? She couldn't take a bus?<br>
|
|
SUSAN: She's coming in tomorrow. I made it!<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah you made it, how about that.<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Oh, Im so excited, now we get to see the opera together.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George gives the man the ticket and takes the money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: We get to go to the opera together!<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Who's that?<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Thats-thats-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and
|
|
he's<br>
|
|
a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ENTRANCE TO THEATER.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Come on, you gotta let us in<br>
|
|
USHER: Not without tickets.<br>
|
|
JERRY: We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us.<br>
|
|
USHER: Well thats a problem. Excuse me.<br>
|
|
JERRY: You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying
|
|
to<br>
|
|
kill us.<br>
|
|
USHER: A crazy clown is after you? Oh thats rich. Now clear the entrance
|
|
so<br>
|
|
people with tickets can get through.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer slides in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY&ELAINE: We're with him, we're with him.<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Are you guys ready?<br>
|
|
JERRY&ELAINE: Yeah, Yeah!!<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Have you seen George?<br>
|
|
JERRY: We thought he was with you.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Come on, he's on his own, come on!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SITTING IN THE THEATER<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: These are great seats huh?<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah<br>
|
|
JERRY: Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing?<br>
|
|
JERRY: She's playing, Pagliaccis wife, Nedda.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Nedda?<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh my god..<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man #3 enters and shuffles to his seat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAN#3: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Susan comes in from the other side.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Susan! What are you doing here?<br>
|
|
SUSAN: My Friend's flight couldnt make it.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Where's George?<br>
|
|
MAN#3: I got his ticket.<br>
|
|
SUSAN: He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you<br>
|
|
something, how much did you pay for that ticket?<br>
|
|
MAN#3: One seventy-five.<br>
|
|
JERRY: Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Some nut in a clown suit!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look very<br>
|
|
frightened.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
COMEDY CLUB<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how<br>
|
|
they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need<br>
|
|
binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can
|
|
spot<br>
|
|
'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty,<br>
|
|
three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have<br>
|
|
like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you<br>
|
|
can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe<br>
|
|
thats more you're thing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
END OF ACT 3 <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Transcribed by William Fifield<br>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p
|
|
align="center"> </p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
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</script>
|
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<script type="text/javascript"
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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</script>
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</div>
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|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|