759 lines
41 KiB
HTML
759 lines
41 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Parking Garage</h1>
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Written by Larry David</p>
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<p>ACT ONE SCENE A INT. ESCALATOR - GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE. IN SINGLE
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FILE: GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH
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GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY
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BOX. </p>
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<p>GEORGE One left...what a joke. </p>
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<p>KRAMER You can have this one. </p>
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<p>GEORGE No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was
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a complete waste of time. </p>
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<p>ELAINE Hey, I didn't get one either. </p>
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<p>JERRY Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something
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better than me on Saturday afternoons? </p>
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<p>ELAINE This is what people do. </p>
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<p>JERRY No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking
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burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall
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in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest
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air-conditioner. </p>
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<p>THEY GET OFF THE ESCALATOR AND HEAD FOR THE CAR. CUT TO: ACT ONE
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SCENE B INT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE AND
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KRAMER. </p>
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<p>GEORGE You should see what my father used to go through before
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he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks
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at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going
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through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.
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</p>
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<p>ELAINE So we took a little ride. What's the big deal? </p>
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<p>GEORGE Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.
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</p>
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<p>JERRY Big accomplishment. GEORGE Fish. What do they do? </p>
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<p>ELAINE What do you do?</p>
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<p>KRAMER (RE: CAR) It's this way. </p>
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<p>GEORGE What time is it? </p>
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<p>JERRY Five o'clock. </p>
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<p>GEORGE Always late. Always late. </p>
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<p>JERRY You're not late. </p>
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<p>GEORGE I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.
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</p>
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<p>ELAINE Who? </p>
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<p>GEORGE My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out
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to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic? </p>
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<p>JERRY Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour. </p>
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<p>ELAINE Isn't it going the other way? JERRY There is no other way
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in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time. </p>
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<p>ELAINE But it's Saturday. JERRY You got the picnic and burger traffic.
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GEORGE I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta
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rush. </p>
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<p>KRAMER STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND. </p>
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<p>ELAINE What's the matter? </p>
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<p>HE MUMBLES SOMETHING AND CONTINUES WALKING. </p>
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<p>JERRY I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom
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in these malls? </p>
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<p>KRAMER STUMBLES WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER. </p>
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<p>JERRY (CONT'D) You want me to help you with that? </p>
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<p>KRAMER No, no, I got it. </p>
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<p>AND HE STUMBLES AGAIN. JERRY SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. </p>
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<p>JERRY (TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy? </p>
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<p>GEORGE Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to
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do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live
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my life. Don't show me that. </p>
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<p>KRAMER If you like her, go talk to her. </p>
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<p>GEORGE Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya'
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doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before
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you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger
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on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those
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motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area
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could set her off. </p>
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<p>KRAMER She's fat. </p>
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<p>ELAINE Oh she's fat? </p>
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<p>KRAMER STOPS AGAIN, CONFUSED. </p>
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<p>ELAINE What? JERRY Where's the car? </p>
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<p>KRAMER I thought it was here. </p>
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<p>GEORGE You don't know where we parked? </p>
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<p>KRAMER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RESUMES WALKING. THEY FOLLOW. </p>
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<p>GEORGE Oh, this is great. </p>
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<p>KRAMER Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one. </p>
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<p>JERRY I thought it was green. I remember seeing green. </p>
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<p>ELAINE I didn't pay attention. </p>
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<p>GEORGE This is just what I need. </p>
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<p>ELAINE I'm sure it's right around here. </p>
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<p>KRAMER It looks familiar. I remember the elevator. </p>
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<p>GEORGE There's elevators all over! It all looks the same. </p>
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<p>JERRY It's over there. I know where it is. </p>
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<p>NOW JERRY TAKES THE LEAD AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW. </p>
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<p>ELAINE It's black, right? </p>
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<p>KRAMER Dark blue. </p>
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<p>GEORGE (MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down.
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How hard is that? </p>
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<p>JERRY There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota. </p>
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<p>THEY STOP... </p>
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<p>JERRY (CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was... </p>
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<p>KRAMER Didn't we come in over there? </p>
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<p>JERRY I thought it was over there. </p>
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<p>FROM THERE P.O.V. THE CAMERA DOES A THREE SIXTY AND WE GET A SENSE
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OF HOW ENORMOUS THIS PLACE IS, THEN: </p>
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<p>ELAINE How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? </p>
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<p>KRAMER About two hours. </p>
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<p>ELAINE (SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car. </p>
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<p>GEORGE It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF: </p>
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<p>GEORGE & ELAINE WITH KRAMER & JERRY BEHIND THEM. </p>
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<p>JERRY I really have to go to the bathroom. </p>
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<p>KRAMER Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J</p>
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<p>ERRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK. </p>
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<p>KRAMER (CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around. JERRY I'll wait. </p>
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<p>KRAMER You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot
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of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers.
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They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.
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JERRY Alright. </p>
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<p>KRAMER Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred
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million dollar a year industry? </p>
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<p>JERRY Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever
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I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud
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to hold it in. It builds character. </p>
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<p>ANGLE ON ELAINE AND GEORGE... </p>
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<p>ELAINE (RE: CAR) There it is!...No that's not it. </p>
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<p>A CAR SCREECHES AROUND A CURVE, ELAINE IS UNNERVED. </p>
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<p>ELAINE (CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac.
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Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my
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drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college
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graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school
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students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing
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that test? It's a mystery. </p>
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<p>GEORGE ...Six wrong? </p>
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<p>ELAINE Those school zones are a killer. </p>
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<p>JERRY (TO KRAMER, RE:BOX) Will you let me help you with that? </p>
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<p>KRAMER I'm gonna put it down behind that car. </p>
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<p>HE DOES SO. </p>
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<p>JERRY You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it? </p>
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<p>KRAMER (TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that. </p>
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<p>GEORGE Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where
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the car is, that's insignificant. </p>
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<p>ELAINE (LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring. </p>
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<p>KRAMER Look at this place. It's huge... </p>
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<p>GEORGE I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at
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six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation
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installment plan that will compound with interest for decades. </p>
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<p>JERRY Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the
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bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a
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show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket." </p>
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<p>GEORGE Where the hell is this car, Kramer? </p>
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<p>KRAMER It's got to be here. </p>
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<p>ELAINE Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up
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to forty. </p>
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<p>JERRY Maybe it's not on this level. </p>
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<p>GEORGE What? </p>
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<p>JERRY There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong
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level. How long was the escalator ride up? </p>
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<p>ELAINE It felt like a couple of levels. </p>
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<p>JERRY You should always carry a pad and pen. GEORGE I can't carry
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a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum. </p>
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<p>KRAMER I have a pen. </p>
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<p>THEY REACT... </p>
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<p>JERRY Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred
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stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They
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finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot
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the bathrooms." </p>
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<p>MOTHER (O.C.) Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?
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</p>
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<p>ELAINE Look at that woman. </p>
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<p>SHE'S HITTING HER BOY ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. </p>
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<p>MOTHER I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait. </p>
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<p>GEORGE (TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary? </p>
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<p>MOTHER (TO GEORGE) Why don't you mind your own business? </p>
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<p>GEORGE I think hitting a defenseless child is my business. </p>
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<p>KID (TO GEORGE) You're ugly. </p>
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<p>GEORGE ...What? </p>
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<p>KID You're ugly. </p>
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<p>GEORGE You are! </p>
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<p>KID You are! </p>
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<p>THE KID GETS IN THE CAR. GEORGE IS STUNNED. </p>
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<p>GEORGE I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand
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kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't
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need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest
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kid any day. </p>
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<p>KRAMER (RE: CAR) I found it! </p>
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<p>ELAINE He's got it. </p>
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<p>KRAMER Oh...no. </p>
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<p>JERRY All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they
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found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay? </p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>ELAINE Jerry, look at my fish. </p>
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<p>JERRY HOLDS UP THE BAG AND HITS IT WITH HIS FINGER. </p>
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<p>JERRY His eyes look a little cloudy. </p>
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<p>GEORGE Oh are they gonna be furious. </p>
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<p>JERRY Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought
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you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before! </p>
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<p>KRAMER It was easy the last time. </p>
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<p>ELAINE My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone
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to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.
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</p>
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<p>JERRY No one's going to do that. </p>
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<p>ELAINE SPOTS A FORTY-ISH, STYLISH COUPLE WALKING TO THEIR CAR.
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</p>
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<p>ELAINE Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering
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if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around
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the garage for five minutes so we can look. </p>
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<p>MAN #1 (HOLDING HIS HANDS UP) ...Sorry. </p>
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<p>ELAINE Five minutes. </p>
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<p>MAN #1 Can't do it. </p>
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<p>ELAINE We're not wilding. </p>
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<p>THEY LEAVE. </p>
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<p>SHE APPROACHES TWO GIRLS - EARLY TWENTIES, MALL KIDS. </p>
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<p>ELAINE (CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you
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think you could drive me... </p>
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<p>THEY START LAUGHING. </p>
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<p>ELAINE (CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if
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you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for
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oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny
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too? </p>
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<p>THEY IGNORE HER AND KEEP LAUGHING. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER. </p>
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<p>JERRY Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?
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</p>
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<p>KRAMER Right here at the mall. </p>
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<p>BACK TO ELAINE, SEEKING OUT A MAN WITH A BEARD. </p>
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<p>ELAINE Excuse me... </p>
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<p>HE IGNORES HER AND KEEPS WALKING. </p>
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<p>ELAINE (CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But
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the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic.
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That's not me talking, that's science. </p>
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<p>CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER. </p>
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<p>JERRY It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have
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to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of
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horse laxative just kicked in. </p>
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<p>KRAMER You drank a whole bottle of water. </p>
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<p>JERRY I know. </p>
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<p>KRAMER So why don't you just go? JERRY No I can't. </p>
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<p>KRAMER Don't you get tired of following rules? JERRY You think
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I'm too cautious? </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Organic. So's Buddy Hackett.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Buddy Hackett?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: He's a comedian.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: I know.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: All right. All right.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: (pointing) You can go over here.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I can manage.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER It'll take you ten seconds. </p>
|
|
<p>HE NUDGES JERRY. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Okay, okay. I'll be right back. </p>
|
|
<p>WE STAY WITH JERRY AS HE WALKS TO THE BACK OF A CAR, LOOKS AROUND
|
|
LIKE SUPERMAN, THEN LETS FLY. HE FINISHES, ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS AND
|
|
SEES A SECURITY GUARD STARING AT HIM WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED. </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD Okay, let's go. Come with me. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY But... </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD Come on. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer </p>
|
|
<p>END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE C INT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE - A
|
|
SMALL ROOM WITH A DESK AND A CHAIR. JERRY PLEADS FOR HIS RELEASE.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in
|
|
and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors
|
|
have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release
|
|
it. Otherwise, I could die. </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD Well you're still not allowed. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that
|
|
if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for? </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD That's up to you. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY So you don't care if I die. </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD What I care about is the sanitary condition of the
|
|
parking facility. JERRY It was life and death. </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD Uh huh. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger?
|
|
I know it's against the law. </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD I don't know. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's
|
|
why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You
|
|
know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because
|
|
of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the
|
|
house with it this morning. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over
|
|
the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh,
|
|
it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck. </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD You can tell the police all about it. </p>
|
|
<p>CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE D INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE, KRAMER, AND
|
|
ELAINE. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (CALLING OUT) Jerry! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE Jerry! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes
|
|
to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for
|
|
him. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the
|
|
car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE No, no, I'll be back. </p>
|
|
<p>SHE LEAVES. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER Does that bother you? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER Not at all. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me,
|
|
cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because
|
|
you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally
|
|
ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every
|
|
moment. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you
|
|
in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do? </p>
|
|
<p>CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE E INT. SECURITY OFFICE - JERRY AND THE SECURITY
|
|
GUARD. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY First of all you don't even know technically that I went.
|
|
That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of
|
|
water out there. You don't know. </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD I know what you did. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour
|
|
water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out.
|
|
And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out
|
|
sounds very much like a person urinating. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really
|
|
quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is. </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD Yeah I'm sure. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY You know this is not the first time this has happened to
|
|
me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates
|
|
me. It's a vicious cycle. </p>
|
|
<p>CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE F INT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE, LOOKING FOR
|
|
JERRY. SHE'S TALKING TO AN OLDER BLACK MAN ABOUT TO GET IN HIS CAR.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five
|
|
minutes, that's all. I just want to find him. </p>
|
|
<p>MAN #1 I can't do it. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE But why? Why can't you do it? </p>
|
|
<p>MAN #1 I can't. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want
|
|
to. </p>
|
|
<p>MAN #1 That's right. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE But why? Why don't you want to? </p>
|
|
<p>MAN #1 I don't know. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone
|
|
out? </p>
|
|
<p>MAN #1 No, I wouldn't. </p>
|
|
<p>CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE G INT. SECURITY SHACK - JERRY (A NEW TACK)
|
|
All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said
|
|
crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence.
|
|
The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm
|
|
going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating
|
|
their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh
|
|
wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together.
|
|
They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that
|
|
matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the
|
|
past fourteen years. </p>
|
|
<p>CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE H INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE AND KRAMER,
|
|
STILL LOOKING FOR THE CAR. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman
|
|
under two hundred-fifty pounds. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (NOT INTERESTED) Really. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up
|
|
and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Who's Killer Kowalski? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach
|
|
and just squeeze it until they gave. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE I've gotta go to the bathroom. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER So go. GEORGE Here? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE WALKS OUT OF THE FRAME AS KRAMER CONTINUES TO SCAN THE GARAGE.
|
|
CUT TO GEORGE FINISHING UP. HE ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS, STARTLED. CUT
|
|
TO THE SAME SECURITY GUARD, ARMS FOLDED, STARING AT HIM. CUT TO:
|
|
ACT TWO SCENE J INT. SECURITY OFFICE - GEORGE BEING LED IN BY THE
|
|
SECURITY GUARD. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You
|
|
know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On
|
|
the biggest night of his life... </p>
|
|
<p>SECURITY GUARD Oh your folks have an anniversary today too? </p>
|
|
<p>NOW GEORGE SPOTS JERRY. SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D) (TO GEORGE) Was
|
|
he also in a Red Chinese prison? GEORGE (TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED)
|
|
A Red Chinese prison? CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE K INT. PARKING GARAGE
|
|
- KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY. KRAMER George! George! CUT TO: ACT
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
TWO SCENE L INT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE Jerry! THEN SHE CHECKS
|
|
HER FISH... DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE M INT. PARKING GARAGE - JERRY
|
|
AND GEORGE ARE BACK IN THE GARAGE EACH HOLDING THEIR SUMMONS. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Well what happened was my father was staying in the home
|
|
of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who
|
|
by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken.
|
|
You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan
|
|
Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete
|
|
failure as a general, but a helluva cook. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (O.C.) Jerry! Over here... </p>
|
|
<p>NOW THEY SPOT HER. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (CONT'D) Where have you been? JERRY I was arrested for urinating.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (PROUDLY) Me too. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE You what? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE Look at my fish... JERRY EXAMINES IT... ELAINE (CONT'D)
|
|
Is he... JERRY No, but he's not looking good... ELAINE TURNS TO
|
|
TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR... </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive
|
|
us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying. </p>
|
|
<p>MAN #2 Can't do it. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But
|
|
what about the fish? The fish? </p>
|
|
<p>MAN #3 Sorry. THEY KEEP WALKING. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your
|
|
pecs. I'm really impressed. </p>
|
|
<p>THEY LOOK BACK AT HER. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with
|
|
that? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Elaine, shut-up. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Hey, where's Kramer? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer? </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE I thought he was with you. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen... </p>
|
|
<p>HE LOOKS AT JERRY'S WATCH AND THROWS HIS HANDS UP. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side? GEORGE
|
|
We came in over there! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE We didn't come in over there! JERRY Where's Kramer? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY SEES THE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN THEY TALKED ABOUT EARLIER, AMY.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Hey George, there she is again. ... </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE So what do you want me to do? JERRY Ask her to drive us
|
|
around. There's your opening. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE That is an opening. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE TENTATIVELY APPROACHES HER... </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that
|
|
my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry,
|
|
we'd really appreciate it if... </p>
|
|
<p>AMY Oh sure, I'll drive you around. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE You will? </p>
|
|
<p>AMY Sure. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE WAVES FOR JERRY AND ELAINE. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in
|
|
front of my building and we're stuck here. </p>
|
|
<p>AMY I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet.
|
|
People are such animals. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Yeah, right. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Filthy pigs. </p>
|
|
<p>THEY ALL GET IN THE CAR. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE It's a blue Honda... </p>
|
|
<p>AMY This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE Hi, I'm Elaine. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Jerry. </p>
|
|
<p>AMY Hello. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people
|
|
and they wouldn't even answer me. </p>
|
|
<p>AMY I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Hi Amy, I'm George. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE TURNS TO THE BACK SEAT AND GIVES AND GIVE A, "HOW BOUT
|
|
THIS?" LOOK. DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE N INT. PARKING GARAGE
|
|
- MINUTES LATER LONG SHOT OF CAR - THE BRAKES SQUEAL AND THE CAR
|
|
COMES TO AN ABRUPT STOP, THEN GEORGE, ELAINE, AND JERRY GET OUT.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by
|
|
it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were...
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>SHE PULLS OUT, LEAVING RUBBER, THEN: </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (CONT'D) ...with that group. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE I'll say. </p>
|
|
<p>THEY TURN TO GEORGE, WHO'S GAPING AT SOMETHING. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE What is it? THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT: ELAINE (CONT'D)
|
|
The car! </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY The car! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE The car! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE We found it. I can't believe it! </p>
|
|
<p>THEY WALK TO IT...SUDDENLY GEORGE STOPS. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew
|
|
this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer! </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Kramer! </p>
|
|
<p>THEY ALL SLUMP AGAINST THE CAR. ELAINE HOLDS UP HER FISH... DISSOLVE
|
|
TO: ACT TWO SCENE P INT. PARKING GARAGE - ONE HOUR LATER SAME SHOT
|
|
- BUT NO FISH. IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN MAKE OUT KRAMER STRUGGLING
|
|
WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER. JERRY TAPS ELAINE WITH HIS ELBOW. ELAINE
|
|
TAPS GEORGE. WE STAY ON KRAMER AS HE GETS CLOSER. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Kramer. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER Jerry? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY Yeah, over here. </p>
|
|
<p>AS KRAMER APPROACHES: </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I
|
|
looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know
|
|
where it was? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Purple 23. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It's purple 23. Remember that. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things
|
|
down. </p>
|
|
<p>THEY GET IN THE CAR. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER What time is it? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Seven forty-five. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER Well at least there's no traffic. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE Right. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER What time does that play start? GEORGE Eight o'clock. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little
|
|
bag of... </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY INDICATES HE SHOULDN'T PURSUE THAT. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is
|
|
going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here? </p>
|
|
<p>SILENCE. HE STARTS UP THE CAR AND AS THEY HEAD OUT... FADE OUT.
|
|
END OF ACT TWO END OF EPISODE</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
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google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|