856 lines
41 KiB
HTML
856 lines
41 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
|
|
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"
|
|
xmlns:og="http://opengraphprotocol.org/schema/"
|
|
xmlns:fb="http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml"><!-- InstanceBegin template="/Templates/seinfeld.dwt" codeOutsideHTMLIsLocked="false" -->
|
|
<head>
|
|
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
|
|
<META NAME="AUTHOR" CONTENT="Doctoroids" />
|
|
<META NAME="COPYRIGHT" CONTENT="© 2002-2010 Doctoroids" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="doctitle" -->
|
|
<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Phone Message </title>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<link href="support-files/seinfeld.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="docdescription" -->
|
|
<meta name="description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Phone Message. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="dockeywords" -->
|
|
<meta name="keywords" content="the phone message, seinfeld phone message, seinfeld scripts, seinfeld, seinfeld episode" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
window.google_analytics_uacct = "UA-16472669-1";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<link rel="image_src" href="images/seinfeld-share.jpg" />
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://s7.addthis.com/js/250/addthis_widget.js#username=doctoroids">var addthis_config = {data_track_clickback: true};</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="head" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="pagetype" -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageType="CONTENT";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script>
|
|
|
|
<meta property="og:site_name" content="SeinfeldScripts"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:app_id" content="164823560224402"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:admins" content="824270386"/>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="ogdata" -->
|
|
<meta property="og:image" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/images/seinfeld-cast.jpg"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:title" content="The Phone Message"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:type" content="tv_show"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:url" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/ThePhoneMessage.htm"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Phone Message. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes"/>
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
</head>
|
|
<body>
|
|
<div class="wrap">
|
|
<div class="head_title">
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div id="menu">
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<!-- **** INSERT NAVIGATION ITEMS HERE (use id="selected" to identify the page you're on **** -->
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Gifts</a></li>
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<div class="addthis_toolbox addthis_default_style" id="menu_share">
|
|
<li><a style="padding: 8px 3px 8px 160px" href="http://addthis.com/bookmark.php?v=250&username=doctoroids" class="addthis_button_compact">Share</a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_facebook"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_twitter"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_googlebuzz"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_digg"></a></li>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="underMenu">
|
|
<a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com">Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community!</a></div>
|
|
|
|
<div id="content"><!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="main_content" -->
|
|
<h1>The Phone Message</h1>
|
|
|
|
<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
|
|
<tr>
|
|
<td>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-in_content-top_left */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4619537930";
|
|
google_ad_width = 300;
|
|
google_ad_height = 250;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
</td>
|
|
</tr>
|
|
</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
Jerry's opening monologue: </p>
|
|
<p>The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television
|
|
is </p>
|
|
<p>doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see
|
|
anybody on TV </p>
|
|
<p>like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs
|
|
on their </p>
|
|
<p>face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the
|
|
soda </p>
|
|
<p>commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have
|
|
you seen them? </p>
|
|
<p>"We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping,
|
|
laughing, flying through </p>
|
|
<p>the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there
|
|
and you're </p>
|
|
<p>watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're
|
|
advertising </p>
|
|
<p>right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe
|
|
I'm putting too much </p>
|
|
<p>ice in mine."</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Monk's Diner, day. George and Jerry enter. George is excited:</p>
|
|
<p>George: So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing
|
|
there, </p>
|
|
<p>and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted
|
|
me to ask her </p>
|
|
<p>out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means.
|
|
Sometimes I </p>
|
|
<p>interpret it like they're Psychotic or something and I don't know
|
|
if I'm </p>
|
|
<p>supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood
|
|
there like - </p>
|
|
<p>remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line?
|
|
- that's what </p>
|
|
<p>I looked like.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So you didn't ask?</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, I froze.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Points to counter) Counter.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the
|
|
office, </p>
|
|
<p>I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call
|
|
her". I says "I </p>
|
|
<p>can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to
|
|
ask a woman out I </p>
|
|
<p>gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they
|
|
break the bricks. </p>
|
|
<p>So Lloyd calls me a wuss.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He said wuss? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So you called. (They sit at counter)</p>
|
|
<p>George: Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating
|
|
an apple, </p>
|
|
<p>because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the
|
|
phone, it </p>
|
|
<p>makes you sound casual.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, like a farm boy.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Right. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives
|
|
me an </p>
|
|
<p>enthusiastic 'Hi!'</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', I'm outta there.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>'Hi!' Go ahead.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before
|
|
I ask them </p>
|
|
<p>out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out "What
|
|
are you </p>
|
|
<p>doing Saturday night?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And?</p>
|
|
<p>George: She bought.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Great day in the morning.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Then I got off the phone right away.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Sure, it's like robbing a bank: you don't loiter around
|
|
in front of </p>
|
|
<p>the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit
|
|
and get out.</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's amazing: we, we both have dates on the same night.
|
|
I can't </p>
|
|
<p>remember the last time that happened.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George
|
|
and his date </p>
|
|
<p>Carol:</p>
|
|
<p>George: I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>underwear.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: You do not.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep
|
|
buying </p>
|
|
<p>underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair.
|
|
That way, I </p>
|
|
<p>only have to do wash once a year. </p>
|
|
<p>(They both laugh)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry and
|
|
his </p>
|
|
<p>girlfriend Donna:</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear
|
|
you try </p>
|
|
<p>a Scottish accent.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: That's Irish.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie?</p>
|
|
<p>(Donna laughs)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Back to George and Carol:</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: So, er, thanks for dinner. It was great.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah. We should do this again.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it
|
|
keeps me up.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: (Looks disappointed) So, um, OK.</p>
|
|
<p>George: OK.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Goodnight. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, take it easy.</p>
|
|
<p>(Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes
|
|
his </p>
|
|
<p>forehead in disgust)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Back to Jerry and Donna:</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Thanks again for the movie.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You're welcome.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, that's OK.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Unless you want to go to your place.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: OK, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're
|
|
looking </p>
|
|
<p>for.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Back to George, driving, looking frustrated:</p>
|
|
<p>George: Take it easy, huh, take it easy.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Donna sit on the sofa:</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could
|
|
do is </p>
|
|
<p>leave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just
|
|
the way I was </p>
|
|
<p>brought up.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Values are very important.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, so important. So what are you doing Thursday night -
|
|
you wanna </p>
|
|
<p>have dinner?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Thursday's great. (Moves closer)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants,
|
|
Donna? I </p>
|
|
<p>don't feel comfortable in them.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Are those Cotton Dockers?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Really? I like that commercial. (Jerry pauses) </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You like that commercial?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Yeah, it's clever.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all
|
|
standing </p>
|
|
<p>around, supposedly being very casual and witty?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Yeah, that's the one.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What could you possibly like about that?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: I don't know, I like the guys.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other,
|
|
and I </p>
|
|
<p>could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit
|
|
on a porch and </p>
|
|
<p>wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue did ring true. Even
|
|
if </p>
|
|
<p>somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have
|
|
to do with </p>
|
|
<p>the pants? Doesn't that bother you?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: (Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea. That's what's clever
|
|
about </p>
|
|
<p>it, that they're not talking about the pants.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But they're talking about nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: That's the point.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I know the point.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Donna: No one is telling you to like it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I mean, all those quick shots of the pants, just pants,
|
|
pants, </p>
|
|
<p>pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?</p>
|
|
<p>(Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry monologue:</p>
|
|
<p>What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each
|
|
other </p>
|
|
<p>through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms
|
|
of the future, </p>
|
|
<p>you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll
|
|
be like </p>
|
|
<p>'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows
|
|
for the </p>
|
|
<p>rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy,
|
|
thinking 'What </p>
|
|
<p>is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for
|
|
the rest of my </p>
|
|
<p>life?'</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment, day. Jerry and Elaine:</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go
|
|
out with </p>
|
|
<p>someone who actually likes this commercial?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom
|
|
clean </p>
|
|
<p>enough.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed
|
|
his </p>
|
|
<p>tub: germs were building a town in there - they were constructing
|
|
offices. </p>
|
|
<p>Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.</p>
|
|
<p>(George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>(George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag,
|
|
places </p>
|
|
<p>them on counter)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You're still thinking about this?</p>
|
|
<p>George: (While preparing bicarb) She invites me up at twelve o
|
|
clock at </p>
|
|
<p>night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't
|
|
want coffee, it </p>
|
|
<p>keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this
|
|
to her. People </p>
|
|
<p>this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what
|
|
she must think </p>
|
|
<p>of me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.</p>
|
|
<p>George: She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve
|
|
o clock at </p>
|
|
<p>night.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well some people drink coffee that late.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour
|
|
missile </p>
|
|
<p>watch. Everything was going along so great: she was laughing, I
|
|
was funny. I </p>
|
|
<p>kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing
|
|
great."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good
|
|
time. I </p>
|
|
<p>think you should call her.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday
|
|
call.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like,
|
|
not a guy who </p>
|
|
<p>goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at
|
|
night." If I call </p>
|
|
<p>her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. </p>
|
|
<p>Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel,
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>kaiser, a tsar.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: All she'll think is that you like her.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she
|
|
doesn't like </p>
|
|
<p>me!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I don't know what your parents did to you.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters, points at Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act.
|
|
Alright, </p>
|
|
<p>you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you
|
|
ever notice how cars </p>
|
|
<p>here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well,
|
|
sorry buddy, </p>
|
|
<p>you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes
|
|
and sauages </p>
|
|
<p>for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So
|
|
you gonna use it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: It's funny.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It is funny.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why do we have to leave?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Because I can't call a woman with other people in the room.
|
|
Come </p>
|
|
<p>on, let's go.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, see, this is the problem.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You're kicking me out of my house?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Don't forget.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh Jerry, do you have any apples?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Don't do the apples. That's enough already with the apples.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials phone)</p>
|
|
<p>Phone: Hi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you. (Beep)</p>
|
|
<p>George: Uhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza, remember me? The
|
|
guy that </p>
|
|
<p>didn't come up for coffee.</p>
|
|
<p>You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ... well,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh boy,
|
|
uhm, so, </p>
|
|
<p>you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever
|
|
you wanna do. </p>
|
|
<p>Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy.</p>
|
|
<p>(Hangs up. Jerry enters)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet you downstairs.
|
|
What's the </p>
|
|
<p>matter, did you call?</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine enters) </p>
|
|
<p>George: Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm
|
|
dead, </p>
|
|
<p>I'm a dead man. Dead man.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum
|
|
and </p>
|
|
<p>there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is blinking
|
|
right </p>
|
|
<p>now: 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot's
|
|
on!'</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: After one date you try and improvise on her machine?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Now I'm in the worst position of all.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's
|
|
machine, </p>
|
|
<p>and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed
|
|
to, and it would </p>
|
|
<p>have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and
|
|
when the guy </p>
|
|
<p>came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.</p>
|
|
<p>George: He did that?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Somebody did that?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She'll call you back. You're overreacting.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Donna: </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Not once.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Never?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I have never seen one episode of 'I Love Lucy' in my life
|
|
ever.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: That's amazing.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Is there anything else about you I should know?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.
|
|
Uhm, </p>
|
|
<p>I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom)</p>
|
|
<p>(George enters)</p>
|
|
<p>George: Wait till you hear this (sees Donna). Whoa, ah, I'm sorry,
|
|
I </p>
|
|
<p>didn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave)</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I'll come
|
|
back.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: You don't have to leave.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You sure?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>George: OK.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: I'm Donna.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial!</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: He told you about that.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking
|
|
about </p>
|
|
<p>that commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like
|
|
that commercial. </p>
|
|
<p>No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses
|
|
anything. </p>
|
|
<p>He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him..
|
|
(Jerry re-</p>
|
|
<p>enters)</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: (To Jerry) So you go around telling your friends I'm not
|
|
hip </p>
|
|
<p>because I like that commercial. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What? (To George) What did, what did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Say? What? Nothing, I.. </p>
|
|
<p>Donna: You told him how I like the commercial.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, so what if I said that?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Well, so, you didn't have to tell your friends.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, I had to tell my friends, my friends didn't have to
|
|
tell you.</p>
|
|
<p>George: (To Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: I don't like you talking about me with your friends behind
|
|
my back.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Boy oh boy.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Jerry: I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So
|
|
what?</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them
|
|
liked the </p>
|
|
<p>commercial.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>K Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, Kramer, this is Donna.</p>
|
|
<p>k Oh. Cotton Dockers!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hello! Alright, we should be going. Come on .(Grabs Kramer)</p>
|
|
<p>k What? Where are we going?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Come on!</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: Don't bother, I'm leaving.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Donna, really, you're making too much of this.</p>
|
|
<p>K One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers, they're
|
|
just </p>
|
|
<p>pants!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Please, Donna.</p>
|
|
<p>Donna: I don't wanna hear it.(Leaves) </p>
|
|
<p>George: I can't believe I said that. You know me, I'm a vault.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Don't worry about it, it wasn't working anyway.</p>
|
|
<p>k What happened there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'll tell you later. </p>
|
|
<p>George: You are not gonna believe what's going on with this woman.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Monk's Diner. George and Jerry sat in booth: </p>
|
|
<p>George: OK, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she
|
|
doesn't call </p>
|
|
<p>back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday,
|
|
I get the </p>
|
|
<p>machine again: "I know you're there, I don't know what your
|
|
story is." </p>
|
|
<p>Yesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes
|
|
on, and fly </p>
|
|
<p>like Mussolini from the balcony- "Where the hell do you get
|
|
the nerve? You </p>
|
|
<p>invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four
|
|
days? I don't </p>
|
|
<p>like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more
|
|
shot at the </p>
|
|
<p>coffee just so I could spit it in your face."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You said that?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I lost it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you
|
|
back.</p>
|
|
<p>George: She did. Today.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
<p>George: She called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons
|
|
since </p>
|
|
<p>Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her.
|
|
Her machine </p>
|
|
<p>broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have
|
|
the beeper for </p>
|
|
<p>it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So she didn't get the messages.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Exactly, but they're on there waiting. She said she can't
|
|
wait to </p>
|
|
<p>see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me
|
|
as soon as she </p>
|
|
<p>gets home.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But what about the messages?</p>
|
|
<p>(George produces cassette tape from pocket)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'll meet her outside the building.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she's
|
|
going right </p>
|
|
<p>for that machine.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Or she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. Who
|
|
am I </p>
|
|
<p>kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know how
|
|
to work those </p>
|
|
<p>stupid machines.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: There's nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right
|
|
out.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You do it for me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Come on, it'll be so much easier.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How you gonna get me up there?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm giving you a ride
|
|
uptown.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And who makes the switch?</p>
|
|
<p>George: You do.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I do.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I can't get involved in this.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I think I may be in love with this woman.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What if she sees me?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, you are such a wuss.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: A wuss?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Did you call me a wuss?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Outside apartment building, night. George and Jerry are sat on
|
|
a low wall:</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I got one problem: you're keeping her busy in the other
|
|
room. Now, </p>
|
|
<p>what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have
|
|
to signal me </p>
|
|
<p>that she's coming.</p>
|
|
<p>George: A signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the signal is, I'll call
|
|
out 'Tippy </p>
|
|
<p>toe!'</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: 'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You don't like 'Tippy toe?'</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No 'Tippy toe.'</p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll sing.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What song?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Erm, 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?'</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What is that?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How do you solve a problem
|
|
like </p>
|
|
<p>Maria?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Anything else?</p>
|
|
<p>George: You pick it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: 'Lemon Tree'</p>
|
|
<p>George: Peter, Paul and Mary.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, Trini Lopez.</p>
|
|
<p>Both: (Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and a lemon flower</p>
|
|
<p>George: You got the tape?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Produces tapes) Standard. Micro.</p>
|
|
<p>George: How do you feel? Confident?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Feel good.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You nervous?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Not at all.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Get up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell with this, I'm scared
|
|
to </p>
|
|
<p>death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go!</p>
|
|
<p>(Carol arrives)</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed
|
|
to call you </p>
|
|
<p>when I got home.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: Oh, that's so sweet.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into
|
|
him </p>
|
|
<p>around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is,
|
|
I see him all </p>
|
|
<p>the time.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All the time.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: It's nice to meet you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: So, I'm starving. Where are we gonna eat?</p>
|
|
<p>George: You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give
|
|
Jerry a </p>
|
|
<p>ride home.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: OK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you park?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Don't you wanna go upstairs first?</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: No, what for? I'll just give my bag to the doorman.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know, I really need to use the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: Oh well there's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next
|
|
door.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes, yes, but er, I have to make a call, so...</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: Well they have a phone.</p>
|
|
<p>(George takes Carol to one side)</p>
|
|
<p>George: I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets.
|
|
I think we </p>
|
|
<p>really should go upstairs.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: (Aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check
|
|
my </p>
|
|
<p>machine.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Right, right.</p>
|
|
<p>(They enter building)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Inside Carol's apartment. Carol, Jerry and George enter:</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: The bathroom's on the hall to the right.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Er, you know, why don't you go first, you just had a long
|
|
trip.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: No, I'm fine.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Uhmmm, you know, it's the damnedest thing, it went away.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: Oh that's weird.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, no that can happen. I've, er, I've read about that
|
|
in medical </p>
|
|
<p>journals. It's a freak thing, but...</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: Well, let me just check my messages, and we'll go.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: Sure.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Please, this is very, very important. (Leads her to other
|
|
room)</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape)</p>
|
|
<p>George: (Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon
|
|
tree!</p>
|
|
<p>(Carol reappears followed by George)</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: (To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're a comedian. I've
|
|
seen </p>
|
|
<p>you, it's driving me crazy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Right. I am.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Carol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious, just for a
|
|
moment, if </p>
|
|
<p>you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>(George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go.</p>
|
|
<p>(George and Carol return)</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers
|
|
in the </p>
|
|
<p>pool?</p>
|
|
<p>George: (To Jerry) Don't you find that strange?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Carol: Well, I'll just check my machine and we'll go. No, nothing
|
|
here, </p>
|
|
<p>let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today
|
|
my neighbour </p>
|
|
<p>called me and played my messages to me over the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, uhhh...</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love
|
|
jokes </p>
|
|
<p>like that.</p>
|
|
<p>(All three leave)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's closing monologue:</p>
|
|
<p>I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if
|
|
I saw </p>
|
|
<p>somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse
|
|
me, I'm not </p>
|
|
<p>in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away."
|
|
I also </p>
|
|
<p>have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you
|
|
can't slam </p>
|
|
<p>down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone
|
|
- "You can't </p>
|
|
<p>talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody
|
|
on a cordless </p>
|
|
<p>phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly
|
|
button-pressing) "I </p>
|
|
<p>told him!"</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
|
|
|
|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
|
|
<div id="upperBox">
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|