1593 lines
65 KiB
HTML
1593 lines
65 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Pothole</h1>
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<br>
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Episode Number: 150<br>
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Original Air Date: February 20, 1997<br>
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<br>
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Written by: Steve O'Donnell & Dan O'Keefe<br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman<br>
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<br>
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Guest Cast:<br>
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Kristin Davis (Jenna)<br>
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Jack McGee (Ralph)<br>
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George Kee Cheung (Owner)<br>
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Seraiah Carol (Mrs. Allister)<br>
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Radmar Agana Jao (Delivery Boy)<br>
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Walter Addison (Man)<br>
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<br>
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[Jenna's Apartment: Bathroom]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth. Jenna
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(his latest<br>
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ladyfriend) enters.<br>
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<br>
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JENNA: Morning.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Morning.<br>
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<br>
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She hands him a tube of toothpaste.<br>
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<br>
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JENNA: Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: (applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little
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product. 'I<br>
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can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up?<br>
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<br>
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JENNA: I'm gonna grab you a towel.<br>
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<br>
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Jenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly doesn't
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like the<br>
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taste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He puts
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his hand on<br>
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the counter and knocks Jenna's toothbrush off the edge. The brush
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falls into the<br>
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toilet bowl.<br>
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<br>
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There is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking up.
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Jerry's face<br>
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looking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls
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up the sleeve<br>
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of his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the toilet.
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He grabs<br>
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the brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately
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begins<br>
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frantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he raises
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his head and<br>
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finds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling as
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she brushes her<br>
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teeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Ooh-ooh<br>
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<br>
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[Monk's]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry and George in a booth, as per usual.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: So?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: So? She used the toothbrush!<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out,
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and by the<br>
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time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already
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|
grabbed it<br>
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|
out.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: How many years of med school did you have?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Was she mad?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry says nothing, but pulls a face.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: You didn't tell her.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word)<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I'll take fastidious.<br>
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<br>
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George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature head,
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clearly a<br>
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caricature of someone.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: What is that?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto
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being<br>
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inducted into the Hall of Fame.<br>
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<br>
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He squeezes the miniature head.<br>
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<br>
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HEAD: Holy cow!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to
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say 'holy<br>
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cow', do they?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Just the last few innings of a double-header.<br>
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<br>
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|
Kramer enters. He is carrying a battered sewing machine. He comes
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over.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur
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Berkhardt<br>
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expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged
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this thing<br>
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for five exits.<br>
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<br>
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He dumps the machine on the table and sits beside Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Why didn't you pull over?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Well I was draughting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose
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him. The<br>
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infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.<br>
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<br>
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George squeezes the miniature head.<br>
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<br>
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|
HEAD: Holy cow!<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.<br>
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<br>
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[Elaine's Apartment/Chinese Restaurant]<br>
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<br>
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Elaine is calling for Chinese food. The scene flicks from her at
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home with the<br>
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phone and a menu, to the restaurant owner taking the order.<br>
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<br>
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OWNER: China Panda.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Yeah, I'd like to place an order.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
OWNER: Ah yes, what you like?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America.
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Is that<br>
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|
true?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
OWNER: What number?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Forty-seven.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
OWNER: Yeah, first time. What else?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Uh, that's it.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
OWNER: Address?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three
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|
E.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
OWNER: That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver below Eighty-sixth.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: I'm not below.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
OWNER: Yes you are. Street itself is boundary.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Your guy can't cross to my side?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
OWNER: If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall
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|
Street,<br>
|
|
Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet him.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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|
<br>
|
|
OWNER: Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. (slams
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|
down phone)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes the
|
|
redial.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
OWNER: (picks up phone) China Panda.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd like to place an
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order.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
OWNER: Ah, what you like?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters. He's smoking a substantial cigar.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I'm a poppa.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent
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|
of a<br>
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|
one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down
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|
there and I<br>
|
|
checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He gets his wallet from his back pocket and shows Jerry a Polaroid
|
|
snapshot in<br>
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it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Aw, looks just like you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY: So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with
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|
all their<br>
|
|
so-called maintenance equipment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That old scam.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting
|
|
isn't<br>
|
|
about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Quality time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George enters looking anxious, maybe borderline panicky. He stalks
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|
about the<br>
|
|
place, looking for something, frustratedly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Keys. I can't find my keys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Have you seen 'em?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Dammit!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you do today?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I got up, I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare
|
|
set.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So you can't duplicate 'em.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
At this, Jerry and Kramer exchange a look, and laugh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet kid.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine stands on the sidewalk, waiting for someone. She looks up
|
|
the street and<br>
|
|
sees a Chinese delivery boy approaching with a bag of food. She
|
|
ducks into the<br>
|
|
entranceway to the apartment building behind her, and then effects
|
|
to be coming<br>
|
|
out of the building as the delivery boy gets there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DELIVERY BOY: (suspicious) Why you waiting on the street and not
|
|
in your<br>
|
|
apartment?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I... thought that I would meet you halfway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
She takes the bag of food.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DELIVERY BOY: You really live here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh yeah. (handing over money) There you go, keep the change.
|
|
Bye now.<br>
|
|
I'll see you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine walks back towards the door to the building. She expects
|
|
the boy to<br>
|
|
leave, but he's still suspicious, and waits. Elaine tries the door,
|
|
but it's<br>
|
|
locked. She looks, and the boy still waits. Elaine tries the door
|
|
harder, but it<br>
|
|
won't yield. She admits defeat and hands the food back, and receives
|
|
her money.<br>
|
|
The delivery boy walks off.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Another Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is standing outside a store, looking preoccupied. Jerry emerges
|
|
from the<br>
|
|
store with a carrier bag full of stuff.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They begin to walk along the street.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to
|
|
eat off it. Is<br>
|
|
it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I was coming along here,
|
|
and I felt<br>
|
|
like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning,
|
|
I should<br>
|
|
really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured,
|
|
well,<br>
|
|
they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little
|
|
while,<br>
|
|
twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what
|
|
you were up<br>
|
|
to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The
|
|
broad jump! The<br>
|
|
broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George dashes off excitedly. Jerry follows, with somewhat less enthusiasm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Eighty-sixth Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is still animatedly leading Jerry along in pursuit of his
|
|
keys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like
|
|
a jingling<br>
|
|
sound.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You didn't look down?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) ...was right
|
|
around<br>
|
|
here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He peers about at the road surface for the pothole. He finds a patch
|
|
of fresh<br>
|
|
tarmac.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No! No!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A car drives by, running right over the patch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HEAD (O.C.): Holy, Holy Cow!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Poor son of a bitch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jenna's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna is at the sink in her bathroom, using an electric toothbrush
|
|
which Jerry<br>
|
|
has bought her. It's loud.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most
|
|
powerful one<br>
|
|
they make.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: It's like I'm holding a blender.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Jerry begins to wander into the living room. Jenna switches off
|
|
the brush.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: (restarting and reapplying the brush) Really, it does?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: (shouting to Jerry) I was really happy with my old toothbrush.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In the living room, Jerry is carefully putting the old brush into
|
|
a plastic bag,<br>
|
|
being very careful not to touch it with his bare skin. He then seals
|
|
the bag.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't
|
|
forget to use<br>
|
|
the Plax too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna takes a sip from a glass as if to gargle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA (O.C.): That stuff tastes like bleach!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry is looking for a place to put the soiled brush.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't know anything about that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Just before Jenna emerges from the bathroom, Jerry throws the bag
|
|
with the brush<br>
|
|
out of the window.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That's the idea.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna approaches Jerry, clearly intending to kiss him. As Jenna
|
|
leans toward<br>
|
|
him, Jerry gets a flashback of the toothbrush plunging into the
|
|
toilet bowl, in<br>
|
|
black and white, with portentous music. From his viewpoint, we see
|
|
Jenna's lips<br>
|
|
looming toward him. He looks nauseated by the prospect of the kiss,
|
|
and pulls<br>
|
|
away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little
|
|
cold. I<br>
|
|
don't wanna give you any of my germs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Car]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry driving with Elaine in the passenger seat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You still couldn't kiss her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage,
|
|
and get<br>
|
|
inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there
|
|
was something<br>
|
|
there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Jer, do you see where this is going?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Being really clean and happy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but
|
|
they were just<br>
|
|
tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're
|
|
talking<br>
|
|
disorder.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Disorder?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on
|
|
dementia.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window)
|
|
Hey, there<br>
|
|
it is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
We see Jerry and Elaine's view of the road signs. 'Mile 114' 'Adopt-a-Highway'<br>
|
|
and 'Litter removal next 1 Mile KRAMER'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Shall we stop and say hi?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Nah, we've seen it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Mile 114]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is standing on the verge beside a large pile of plastic bags
|
|
full of<br>
|
|
trash, a couple of brooms lean against the crash barrier. He has
|
|
an armful of<br>
|
|
assorted garbage. Jerry's car passes in the traffic, and a brief
|
|
beep of the<br>
|
|
horn is heard.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back
|
|
at the house!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He drops the last handful of trash into a bag.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He claps his hands in satisfaction, and looks out at 'his' road.
|
|
He notices<br>
|
|
something. In the middle of the road is a Coke can, crushed by traffic.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer makes a decision, and dashes out into the traffic to retrieve
|
|
the can.<br>
|
|
His progress to the can is accompanied by the squeal of brakes and
|
|
the blare of<br>
|
|
horns as the traffic passes him. As he reaches the can, one car
|
|
has to come to a<br>
|
|
complete stop. Kramer grabs the can and hurries back to the side
|
|
of the road,<br>
|
|
where he leans on the barrier.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Apartment Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is in the hallway of a building, outside Apartment 1A. She
|
|
knocks at the<br>
|
|
door and a guy opens it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAN: Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from across the street.
|
|
And uh,<br>
|
|
(coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble,
|
|
if I<br>
|
|
could use your apartment to order some food?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAN: Wha? What d'you want?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver
|
|
it to my<br>
|
|
side of the street.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAN: Wh, when is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be
|
|
kinda inside is<br>
|
|
all.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAN: Who are you with?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAN: Who let you in?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually.
|
|
But, I<br>
|
|
just need like a half an hour to an hour.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The man shuts the door in her face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine turns to leave, and as she does she sees an unmarked door
|
|
opposite which<br>
|
|
stands open. She crosses over for a closer look. It's clearly a
|
|
janitor's<br>
|
|
closet, with the usual fixings. A thought occurs to Elaine, and
|
|
a smile comes to<br>
|
|
her face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry has just entered and is removing his coat. Kramer is in the
|
|
kitchen<br>
|
|
cleaning highway signs in the sink.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What's with the signs?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless.
|
|
I mean<br>
|
|
the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping
|
|
carts (makes<br>
|
|
sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five
|
|
miles per<br>
|
|
hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with
|
|
the spray<br>
|
|
paint, God love 'em.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey. So, keys?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
not really<br>
|
|
a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I guess they leave that up to the general population.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there,
|
|
this wouldn't<br>
|
|
be happening!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hard to say.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos I met some maintenance
|
|
guys today<br>
|
|
on the highway, they could probably help you out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was
|
|
sweeping my<br>
|
|
car-pool lane.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The buzzer buzzes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA (O.C.): It's Jenna.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry buzzes Jenna in, opens the door and indicates to George and
|
|
Kramer that<br>
|
|
their presence is no longer required.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Kramer leave, still discussing the maintenance guys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You think you could hook me up with these guys?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. I'm gonna be at
|
|
emergency<br>
|
|
callbox seven-eight-four.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Seven-eight-four.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: How you feeling?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing
|
|
you,<br>
|
|
which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna moves in for the kiss. As she leans towards Jerry, he gets
|
|
that revolted<br>
|
|
look on his again and turns his face away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: What?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a
|
|
Celray, and I<br>
|
|
brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice
|
|
and hurriedly)<br>
|
|
and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't
|
|
able to tell you<br>
|
|
before you could use it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: When were you gonna tell me this?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Obviously never.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The door opens and Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I need the yield sign.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer goes and begins to gather the signs from the kitchen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you
|
|
get these signs<br>
|
|
out of here, please?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer brings his signs from the kitchen and Jerry picks up those
|
|
which were on<br>
|
|
his table. Together they carry them across the hall to Kramer's
|
|
apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You could've introduced me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I wouldn't know where to start.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As Jerry is about to return to his apartment, the door is slammed
|
|
shut. He tries<br>
|
|
to open it, but it has been locked.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna opens the door, she has her jacket in her hand and is ready
|
|
to leave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Gotta run.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna departs, leaving Jerry looking around him. He's wide-eyed,
|
|
looking panicky<br>
|
|
and disgusted.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, man!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry is on the phone. His table is covered with bottles of cleaning
|
|
fluids,<br>
|
|
disinfectants, etc.. He is wearing a rubber glove to hold a spatula.
|
|
Elaine is<br>
|
|
eating an apple and watching him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was
|
|
it the spatula?<br>
|
|
Hello? Dammit!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Frustrated, he throws the spatula into the waste bin.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: She won't even give you a hint?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yes, that is a definite possibility.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He picks up the remote control and drops it into a waste bin.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry picks up the walkman and begins to deposit it in the trash,
|
|
then a thought<br>
|
|
occurs to him. Elaine sits on the couch and picks up the phone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Are you just screwing with me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, I am.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry thinks for a second, then he throws the walkman in the garbage
|
|
anyway.<br>
|
|
Kramer enters carrying a box.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey ah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, how's life on the road?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't doubt it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer puts his box on the kitchen counter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean,
|
|
you gotta look<br>
|
|
quick, but they're there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
From the box, Kramer picks up square orange reflective objects.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What's this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines?
|
|
(makes<br>
|
|
noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Isn't that some kind of safety thing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What the hell are you talking about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More leg
|
|
room, better<br>
|
|
ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine has the receiver from the phone held to her ear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: How are you gonna widen the lanes?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane
|
|
highway<br>
|
|
becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black
|
|
paint?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder,
|
|
number<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: One-Q? Whose apartment is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: That's the janitor closet, across the street.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to
|
|
get this<br>
|
|
flounder?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like
|
|
some loser.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is applying something from Jerry's table of cleaning fluids,
|
|
etc, to his<br>
|
|
neck, like a cologne.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (heading to door) How do you know about it? You're not in
|
|
the delivery<br>
|
|
zone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda
|
|
on the<br>
|
|
weekends.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see you boys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Now, where's that tool shed of yours?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Apartment Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The delivery boy from China Panda in the hallway. He knocks at the
|
|
door to the<br>
|
|
janitor's closet. He looks at the label on the door, which is a
|
|
piece of tape<br>
|
|
with '1Q' crudely written in magic marker. He waits for a couple
|
|
of seconds then<br>
|
|
knocks again. Elaine opens the door, with a towel wrapped around
|
|
her head, as if<br>
|
|
her hair is wet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was in the shower.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
She takes the bag with her order and hands over some money. The
|
|
delivery boy is<br>
|
|
trying to see past her into the 'apartment'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I'll see you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
She shuts the door, leaving the delivery boy looking a tad bemused.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Eighty-sixth Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George stands by the filled pothole. A highway maintenance truck
|
|
is parked next<br>
|
|
to it. A trio of workers approach George, and the senior man speaks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RALPH: You Costanza?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a
|
|
set of keys,<br>
|
|
buried in the pothole.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RALPH: What're the keys doing in there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RALPH: You put 'em in there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get
|
|
it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RALPH: Bad place to put your keys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could you start, working?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RALPH: Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig
|
|
this up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts)
|
|
Is this<br>
|
|
about money?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RALPH: Yeah. (snorts) It's about money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Mile 114]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is driving his car slowly along the Expressway. On either
|
|
side of his<br>
|
|
boot is balanced an orange road cone. The traffic is passing him,
|
|
and the blare<br>
|
|
of horns is regularly heard.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer opens the driver side door. He picks up a paint roller, and
|
|
loads it with<br>
|
|
black paint from a tray on the passenger seat. Then he leans out
|
|
of the door and<br>
|
|
rolls the paint over the lane markers, still steering the car with
|
|
his other<br>
|
|
hand.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Apartment Building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine emerges from the janitor's closet. She's wiping her lips,
|
|
following the<br>
|
|
flounder repast. As she does so, a woman walking along the hall
|
|
notices her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS ALLISTER: 'Scuse me, what are you doing in there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't in there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS ALLISTER: You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job.
|
|
When you<br>
|
|
shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old
|
|
carpets and<br>
|
|
scrap wood.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks teeth with fingernail)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS ALLISTER: Don't get smart with me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (meek) Yes ma'am.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is in bed. His alarm goes off, and the radio comes on in
|
|
the middle of<br>
|
|
the traffic report. Kramer wakes up and listens.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RADIO: Hey, and if you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt,
|
|
whoah Nelly,<br>
|
|
for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously
|
|
right at<br>
|
|
mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the A-B's
|
|
a parking lot<br>
|
|
out there. Somebody screwed up on that one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
By the end of the report, Kramer looks slightly worried.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Janitor's Closet]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine stands waiting in the closet. There's the usual paraphernalia
|
|
- buckets,<br>
|
|
brooms, cleaning materials, stepladder, boxes, etc.. There's a knock
|
|
at the<br>
|
|
door. Elaine opens it to find Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh it's you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Is the flounder here yet?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, it's not here yet. You want the tour?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry enters, and Elaine closes the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (gesturing) There's this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you
|
|
have a<br>
|
|
slop-bucket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There's another knock at the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (gleeful) The fish!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
She opens the door to find George. He's wearing a tartan workshirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Ah, what're you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet. It's getting a bit
|
|
cramped.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer,
|
|
thought I'd<br>
|
|
drop by.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Kramer's guys?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all
|
|
the<br>
|
|
jackhammering myself.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The door is pushed open from the outside. It thumps into George
|
|
who is pushed<br>
|
|
into Elaine, who stumbles into Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Ow!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Uh, man!<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters the now crowded closet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. Elaine, d'you
|
|
have any paint<br>
|
|
thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I'm plumb out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh man, if I don't get that black paint off the City's gonna
|
|
go ape. I<br>
|
|
don't wanna lose my baby!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There's yet another knock at the door. More strident.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS ALLISTER (O.C.): Janitor?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) Yeah, uh, just
|
|
coming Mrs<br>
|
|
Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine struggle to squeeze past George, and then Kramer to reach
|
|
the door. The<br>
|
|
she has to make room to swing the door inwards.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Here, can you move, you gotta move from the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
She succeeds in squeezing out, and stumbles into the hallway. The
|
|
crush behind<br>
|
|
her slams the door shut.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS ALLISTER: I told you yesterday to haul that trash outta the
|
|
basement.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, I am so sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS ALLISTER: Some of the children have been playing near it and
|
|
putting it in<br>
|
|
their mouths.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, a lot of it is vegetable...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In the closet, the guys are struggling together with equipment and
|
|
supplies in<br>
|
|
the cramped space. The thumps of their movements can be heard in
|
|
the hallway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MRS ALLISTER: Get that stuff outta there today, or you'll be outta
|
|
here.<br>
|
|
Understand?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (meekly) Yes ma'am.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The janitor's closet door opens and the guys stumble out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: ...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't feel like eating.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm gonna borrow this,
|
|
huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna enters and sits, Jerry closes the door behind her. It is clear
|
|
that Jerry<br>
|
|
has gone overboard in his efforts to dispose of whatever was contaminated
|
|
- his<br>
|
|
kitchen shelves are bare, and most other surfaces are free of the
|
|
usual<br>
|
|
knick-knacks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: So Jerry, why'd you call me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness.
|
|
I know<br>
|
|
now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Yes, I did.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, whatever. So, how've you been?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Good. (pause) Steak knife?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Just eating away at you isn't it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Nah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The door opens and Elaine enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: For what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's
|
|
nothing wrong<br>
|
|
with dirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, actually it's pretty grimy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take
|
|
that stuff and<br>
|
|
put it right on my leather upholstery.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He hands the keys to Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Sure. Bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna
|
|
fill it with all<br>
|
|
sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free<br>
|
|
sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please,
|
|
what is<br>
|
|
it? What is it?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Toilet brush.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face).
|
|
Alright, I<br>
|
|
can replace that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: You wanna order dinner?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all
|
|
my dishes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Eighty-sixth Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine strides along the sidewalk looking very blue-collar in overalls
|
|
and cap,<br>
|
|
grimy face, etc. She has some old carpet slung over one shoulder
|
|
and some paint<br>
|
|
cans in her hand. A jackhammer can be heard. As she walks along,
|
|
she passes<br>
|
|
George who is holding the jackhammer. She nods acknowledgment and
|
|
he touches the<br>
|
|
peak of his hardhat. George gives the pothole a burst from the jackhammer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer struggles to lift a forty-gallon drum into the boot of his
|
|
car. He<br>
|
|
eventually heaves it in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jenna's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Jenna, sitting on the couch, eating and conversing (looks
|
|
like Chinese<br>
|
|
food).<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That's true.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Mm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some
|
|
silly hygienic<br>
|
|
mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting<br>
|
|
relationship.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Eighty-sixth Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is giving the street a long burst from the jackhammer. Suddenly,
|
|
there is<br>
|
|
a clang. George stops hammering, and listens. There is a deep rumbling
|
|
sound,<br>
|
|
from beneath his feet, which seems to be getting louder. He looks
|
|
around for the<br>
|
|
source of the noise.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jenna's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna and Jerry are still eating on the couch. The rumbling noise
|
|
can be heard,<br>
|
|
though not so loud as outside. Then, in the bathroom, the toilet
|
|
starts to<br>
|
|
rattle.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
JENNA: Do you hear something?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They both listen intently. The rumble continues and, in the bathroom,
|
|
the toilet<br>
|
|
rattles again, the cistern shaking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't know what that could be.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenna gets up and goes to the bathroom door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Eighty-sixth Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There is a rending sound, and a huge jet of water erupts from the
|
|
ground right<br>
|
|
in front of George, where he was hammering. There is a shot from
|
|
above the<br>
|
|
rising column of water. On the top rises George's keyring.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HEAD: Holy cow!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The plume of water rises high above George, who can be seen looking
|
|
up at the<br>
|
|
height of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jenna's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In the bathroom, Jenna is peering curiously at her rattling toilet,
|
|
wondering<br>
|
|
what's wrong. She leans toward the bowl. Jerry is in the living
|
|
room, still<br>
|
|
talking to her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future.
|
|
Clean, dirty,<br>
|
|
whatever.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There is the sound of a wet explosion and splashing water, followed
|
|
by Jenna<br>
|
|
screaming in the bathroom. Jerry leaps to his feet and rushes to
|
|
see what has<br>
|
|
happened.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry enters the bathroom and sees Jenna. Only her forearm is visible
|
|
to us, but<br>
|
|
it's enough for us to know that she is wringing wet as the result
|
|
of a violent<br>
|
|
eruption from the toilet bowl.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry's face registers his obvious distaste. He shrugs, sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Holy cow! Have a nice life.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He closes the bathroom door as he leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Car]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine driving. The passenger seats are piled with the garbage from
|
|
the basement<br>
|
|
- old carpets, bits of timber, boxes, etc. An external shot of the
|
|
car reveals<br>
|
|
she is driving on Kramer's section of road, as the black-painted
|
|
lane markers<br>
|
|
can be seen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This is so luxurious. Woo,
|
|
yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
We see the Saab weave across the extra wide lanes. From the boot
|
|
falls a<br>
|
|
battered sewing machine. It sits in the middle of the carriageway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer is manhandling the forty gallon drum out of his boot. He
|
|
struggles to<br>
|
|
heave it clear, and then he drops it. The drum falls onto its side,
|
|
and the lid<br>
|
|
comes off, spilling the contents across the road.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Bugger!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Newman's Truck]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman is singing as he drives. Beside him are a stack of boxes,
|
|
marked 'Fresh<br>
|
|
Fish'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: (sings) You're once. Twice. Three times a lady.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There's a loud crash as the truck runs over the sewing machine.
|
|
Tyres squeal as<br>
|
|
Newman regains control.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: What the hell was that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The truck is travelling along with the sewing machine caught on
|
|
the front axle.<br>
|
|
As it scrapes along the road, it leaves a huge trail of sparks behind.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer rights the empty drum and does a double-take as he notices
|
|
the warning<br>
|
|
labels on the side - 'Paint Thinner' 'Highly Flammable'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Double bugger!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Newman's Truck]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman still singing, although the grinding sound of the sewing
|
|
machine is<br>
|
|
almost drowning out his voice. The sewing machine is still producing
|
|
a shower of<br>
|
|
sparks under the truck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: (sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three times...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Suddenly, the truck clearly reaches the pool of thinner and the
|
|
sparks ignite<br>
|
|
it. Flames shoot up around the truck, and are reflected in the windows.
|
|
Newman<br>
|
|
begins screaming and yelling in the midst of the inferno.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! Aaagh!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer finally manages to get the drum back into his boot and slams
|
|
the lid<br>
|
|
down. Then he sees Newman staggering along the road. Newman is walking
|
|
stiffly,<br>
|
|
and is singed all over, with blackened patches on his hair and clothing.
|
|
He's<br>
|
|
staring ahead, clearly in such a state of shock that he's uncomprehending
|
|
of his<br>
|
|
surroundings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey buddy. What're you doing out here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman continues to walk, oblivious of Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman still doesn't respond. In the distance the sound of sirens
|
|
can be heard.<br>
|
|
Kramer hears them, looks worried, and moves toward the car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer has the driver's door open and is impatient to be off. The
|
|
sirens<br>
|
|
continue.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Newman! Newman!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer gets in the car and leans out of the window to call to Newman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He starts the car, and leaves with a squeal of protesting tyres.
|
|
Newman<br>
|
|
continues his walk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As the Castle Rock logo comes up, Newman can be heard screaming
|
|
'Aargh!'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[End]<br>
|
|
<br>
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<strong><big><big></big></big></strong>
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
|
|
|
|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
|
|
<div id="upperBox">
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
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<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
|
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|