712 lines
38 KiB
HTML
712 lines
38 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Puffy Shirt</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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Written by: Larry David</p>
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<p>Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: September 23, 1993 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus (as Elaine), Bryant Gumbel
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(as</p>
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<p>himself), Estelle Harris (as Estelle Costanza), Wendel Meldrum
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(as Leslie),</p>
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<p>and Jerry Stiller (as Frank Costanza).</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them move
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George's stuff back into his parent's house)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I can't believe this!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, it won't be for that long.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people?
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Please, tell me! They're insane! You know that.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: How can you compare you parents to my parents?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers!</p>
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<p>JERRY: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never
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laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never
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went 'Ha!'</p>
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<p>JERRY: A smirk?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having
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sex. It just completely changes the relationship.</p>
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<p>(Kramer stumbles in)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't
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understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left
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in the bank.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, move in here.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Stopping the notion) What's that?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Why doesn't he just move in here?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He
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doesn't even let you use the toilet!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You can move in with me, if you want.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: The Costanza's house]</p>
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<p>(Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer
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clumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases)</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: Careful! Careful with the suitcases! We just painted!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hello, Mrs. Costanza.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: Hello, Kramer. Close the door.</p>
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<p>(They set down George's luggage)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door)</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: More stuff?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah. (Exits)</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: (To George) How much is there?!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Annoyed) There's more.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: So, how are ya, Jerry?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh)
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Hey, I got a terrific joke for you..</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys-</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives
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Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches)
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I made some bologna</p>
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<p>sandwiches.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No thanks.</p>
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<p>(Kramer enters with some more suitcases)</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door)</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts
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the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young
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men.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I really don't eat it.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you
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take them home? Give them to someone in your building?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna
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sandwiches in the building..</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Muttering) No, that's it.</p>
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<p>(A horn honks from outside the house)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, I gotta go move the car. (Leaves)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're
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going?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Wha - what are you doing later?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and
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his new girlfriend.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Really?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers.
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You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse
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me?', 'what was</p>
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<p>that?'</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya?</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves)</p>
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<p>(George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch. She's
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staring off into space)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: A Restaurant]</p>
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<p>(Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you
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make your own pie! (Laughs)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Right.</p>
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<p>ELIANE: You remember that?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, well, that was a good one.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well..</p>
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<p>(Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's
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the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend forward,
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trying to hear what</p>
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<p>she's saying)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What's that?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Excuse me?</p>
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<p>(She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her.
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They give up - leaning back in their seats)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.. yeah.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yep. Yeah..</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing
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business? She's a designer.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Interested) Oh?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to
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be the big new look in mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie
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mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah,</p>
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<p>it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, a puffy shirt.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Puffy.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You
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know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care..</p>
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<p>(Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have
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no clue what she's saying. They lean closer)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right
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back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker.
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A moment passes)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Uh, oh! (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's
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going to be on the "Today" show on Friday.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, that's right!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit for Goodwill, you
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know, they, uh, they clothe the poor, and the homeless..</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Points at Elaine) And the indigent.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them.
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I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it.</p>
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<p>(Leslie starts talking. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear
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her voice)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Sure.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.</p>
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<p>(Leslie talks some more)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Uh-huh.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yep.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yep..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Mmm</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: A Restaurant]</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: Maybe you should take a civil service test.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service
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test.</p>
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<p>FRANK: Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You
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ever seen a silver dollar?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Why don't you want to take a civil service test?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want
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me to do?</p>
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<p>FRANK: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a silver dollar collection?</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay
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check every week..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman?</p>
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<p>FRANK: (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself
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to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: So what are you gonna do?!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent
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- something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet!</p>
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<p>FRANK: I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God..</p>
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<p>FRANK: I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the
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waiters attention - starts snapping) Look at him.. He sees us..
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he doesn't want to come over.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>GEORGE: (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need
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some air..</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: George, where are you going?!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do.</p>
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<p>(Scene cuts to the front of the restaurant. George accidentally
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runs into a woman - causing her to drop her purse. Items spill out
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onto the floor)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts
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picking up her things)</p>
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<p>WOMAN: Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me - let me help you..</p>
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<p>WOMAN: No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her
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things up)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother
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wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth,
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I don't even think I'd pass it.. So..</p>
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<p>(George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from
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him, then starts to admire his hand)</p>
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<p>WOMAN: Hmm..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
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<p>WOMAN: (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What about them?</p>
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<p>WOMAN: They're quite exquisite!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: They are?</p>
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<p>WOMAN: (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand
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modeling?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No')</p>
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<p>WOMAN: (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George)
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Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Shrugs) I - I don't get it.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Me neither!</p>
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<p>JERRY: What is it?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't know.</p>
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<p>JERRY: They're hands!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: This woman just set me up for a job!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my
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hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's
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hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over
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there - where do you get off</p>
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<p>comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand.
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(Points to his own hand)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your
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whole life.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in
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the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take
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it any more. I got up, and (Makes a</p>
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<p>noise) I bop into this woman..</p>
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<p>(Enter Kramer)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's
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coat hooks)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a
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hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What are you, crazy?! What are you, crazy?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What?!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You coulda damaged my hand!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Laughing) But, it's only a toy!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Explaining) George has become a hand model.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: A hand model?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (To George) Really? Let me look at them..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them.
|
|
(Holds them out. Kramer studies them)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Let's see.. oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed
|
|
this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry)
|
|
masculine.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts
|
|
them on) I gotta get going.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oven mitts?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes)
|
|
Would you mind getting the door?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Thank you very much. (Walks out)</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie.
|
|
You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today
|
|
show, she's been getting</p>
|
|
<p>all these orders from boutiques and department stores..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up)
|
|
Since I said what?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit
|
|
cover)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt
|
|
on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the
|
|
cover)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Goes up to it) This?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I agreed to wear this?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But, when did I do that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: When we went to dinner the other night.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are you, crazy?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying!
|
|
I was just nodding!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: There you go.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous
|
|
shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes, yes! You said it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't
|
|
hear her!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry
|
|
with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked
|
|
you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at
|
|
it! It looks ridiculous!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking
|
|
it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV
|
|
show! The factory in New</p>
|
|
<p>Jersey is already makin' them!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They're making these?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry,
|
|
- this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the
|
|
first pirate!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: The Costanza house]</p>
|
|
<p>(George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully
|
|
primping his fingernails)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful
|
|
hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about
|
|
his hands?</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (Looking up from his paper) Who the hell did'ya ever mention
|
|
his hands to?</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: You never mentioned them to me!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory
|
|
board.</p>
|
|
<p>(Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes
|
|
back to his manicure)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: I always talk about your hands - how they're so soft and
|
|
milky white..</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: No! You never said milky white!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Getting angry) I said milky white!</p>
|
|
<p>(A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around
|
|
his parents)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee
|
|
table and hands them to George) Don't hand them to me with the point
|
|
facing out! </p>
|
|
<p>(Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: I'm sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You're sorry?!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors)</p>
|
|
<p>(Another moment passes as George primps his hands)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work) Georgie,
|
|
would you like some Jell-O?</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O) Why'd you put the
|
|
bananas in there?!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Yelling) George likes the bananas!</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK: (Trying to match her tone) So let him have bananas on the
|
|
side!</p>
|
|
<p>(George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had enough)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!..
|
|
Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important
|
|
photo session in the</p>
|
|
<p>morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please -
|
|
keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jell-O?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: A Today Show dressing room]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing
|
|
through a magazine. There's a knock at the door)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, come in.</p>
|
|
<p>(A Today Show stagehand enters)</p>
|
|
<p>STAGEHAND: I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes!</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt.
|
|
He has the expression of extreme resentment)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the
|
|
shirt) Ayye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed
|
|
it. It's perfect. (Walks around</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I can't wear
|
|
this!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you
|
|
own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing
|
|
the (imitates a pirate) pirate</p>
|
|
<p>look. Aye!</p>
|
|
<p>(A knock at the door, Kramer answers it - it's Elaine)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said
|
|
he might help out at the benefit!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Great.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt. Then,
|
|
bursts out laughing hysterically)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Between laughs) What is that?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is
|
|
it cool or what?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing
|
|
is now?'? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker
|
|
asked me to, that's why!</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I didn't hear anything.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when
|
|
this woman speaks!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Just now making the matter serious) Well, you can't wear
|
|
that on the show.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening) Elaine, you
|
|
want to stop?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (Back to Jerry)
|
|
Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You
|
|
can't come out</p>
|
|
<p>dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count
|
|
of Monte Cristo!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has
|
|
orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing
|
|
them as we speak!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate
|
|
person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna..
|
|
swing in on a</p>
|
|
<p>chandelier!</p>
|
|
<p>(A knock at the door, Jerry answers)</p>
|
|
<p>STAGEHAND: (Looking down at a clipboard, enters) Okay, let's go.
|
|
(Looks up, points at Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're wearing?</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: A photographer's studio]</p>
|
|
<p>(George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel at
|
|
them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards the
|
|
right wall)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: I've never seen hands like these before..</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: They're so soft and milky white.</p>
|
|
<p>PHOTOGRAPHER: You know who's hands they remind me of? (Pauses for
|
|
effect) Ray McKigney.</p>
|
|
<p>(The woman nods as the man looks off into space)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Ugh.. Ray.</p>
|
|
<p>PHOTOGRAPHER: He was it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Who was he?</p>
|
|
<p>PHOTOGRAPHER: The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he
|
|
had it all.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at
|
|
them) What happened to him?</p>
|
|
<p>(Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the
|
|
photographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left to
|
|
tell George the answer to his</p>
|
|
<p>question)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had
|
|
any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his
|
|
own hand.. and that became his</p>
|
|
<p>one true love..</p>
|
|
<p>(Long pause)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You mean, uh..?</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Yes. he was not.. master of his domain.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But
|
|
how.. uh..?</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with..
|
|
overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position,
|
|
and he was left with nothing</p>
|
|
<p>but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled
|
|
the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis..
|
|
nothing helped. Towards the</p>
|
|
<p>end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils,
|
|
(Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts
|
|
to feed him. I hadn't</p>
|
|
<p>seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's.. until today. You
|
|
are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I.. only hope
|
|
you have a little more</p>
|
|
<p>self-control.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me.
|
|
(Nodding, gloating) I won a contest.</p>
|
|
<p>(The man nods, unsure of what to say or do)</p>
|
|
<p>PHOTOGRAPHER: Ok, let's get to work.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: The Today Show]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's in the guest chair, and Bryant Gumbel's in the interviewer's
|
|
spot. Jerry, visibly, does not want to be there)</p>
|
|
<p>BRYANT: (Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday
|
|
the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill
|
|
Industries - a used</p>
|
|
<p>clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One of
|
|
the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry)
|
|
Jerry, good morning.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant.</p>
|
|
<p>BRYANT: (Pointing out) And speaking of clothing , that is a very,
|
|
very unusual shirt you have on.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Looking down at the shirt) Oh, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>(Backstage, Kramer's standing with his girlfriend. She's brimming
|
|
with pride)</p>
|
|
<p>BRYANT: You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) all kinda "puffed
|
|
up". (Chuckles)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
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})();
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</script></body>
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