1215 lines
49 KiB
HTML
1215 lines
49 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Secret Code</h1>
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Written by: Alec Berg and
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Jeff Schaffer</p>
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<p>Episode no. 117</p>
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<p>pc: 707, season
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7, episode 7</p>
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<p>Broadcast date:
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November 9, 1995</p>
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<p></p>
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<p>The Cast</p>
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<p>Regulars:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld...................
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Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Jason Alexander..................
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George Costanza</p>
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<p>Julia Louis-Dreyfus..............
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Elaine Benes</p>
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<p>Michael Richards.................
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Cosmo Kramer</p>
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<p>Guest Stars:</p>
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<p>Wayne Tippit.....................
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Captain</p>
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<p>Lewis Arquette...................
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Leapin' Larry</p>
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<p>Fred Stoller.....................
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Fred Yerkes</p>
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<p>Ellen Albertini
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Dow.............. Momma</p>
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<p>David St. James..................
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Doctor</p>
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<p>Michael Luckerman................
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Man </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Opening monologue.</p>
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<p>They really got
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us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just</p>
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<p>like chickens
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in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute.
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</p>
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<p>You see people
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at the cash machine; they're just there. Just, dit dit dit dit</p>
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<p>dit dit dit, they're
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waiting for the sound, you know the sound, you're waiting</p>
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<p>for the sound.
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That's what we're trained to hear, the 'here comes the money'</p>
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<p>sound, ya know?
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Flip flip flip flip flip flip flip. It's exciting, don't you</p>
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<p>get excited? It's
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coming! It's coming! They're giving me money!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>First scene.</p>
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<p>George and Susan
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are in George's apartment.</p>
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<p>Susan: Hey, I
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gotta get some cash, I'm gonna run down to the ATM.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah,
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I better grab some too.</p>
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<p>Susan: I'll get
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it for you; just give me your card.</p>
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<p>George: You sure?</p>
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<p>Susan: Yeah, just
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tell me your code.</p>
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<p>George: My code?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry and George
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are at the coffee shop.</p>
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<p>Jerry: So why
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didn't you tell her the code?</p>
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<p>George: No. No
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way.</p>
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<p>Jerry: George,
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you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely.</p>
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<p>George: It says
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very clearly, 'for your protection, do not give your secret</p>
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<p>code to anyone.'</p>
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<p>Jerry: So you're
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taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now?</p>
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<p>George: Why does
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everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't</p>
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<p>there be some
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things just for me? Is that so selfish?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Actually,
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that's the definition of selfish.</p>
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<p>George: Have you
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ever given your code to anyone?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No one's
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ever asked. You want it? It's 'Jor-El.'</p>
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<p>George: Superman's
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father on Krypton.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Of course.
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C'mon Georgie, you wanna tell me. It's eating you up</p>
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<p>inside. Sing it,
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sister.</p>
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<p>George: No. I
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am not giving my code to anyone for any reason.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What if
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my life depended on it?</p>
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<p>George: If you're
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in some situation where some fast cash will save your life,</p>
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<p>I'll give you
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the code.</p>
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<p>Jerry stands up
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and begins limping.</p>
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<p>George: What's
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the matter with your leg?</p>
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<p>Jerry: My foot
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fell asleep.</p>
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<p>George: How'd
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your foot fall asleep?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I crossed
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my legs, I forgot to alternate.</p>
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<p>A friend of George
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and Jerry's walks up to the table.</p>
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<p>Fred: Hey Jerry.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey Fred.</p>
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<p>George: Hey Fred.</p>
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<p>Jerry: My foot
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fell asleep.</p>
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<p>Fred: You're lucky,
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at least you got something to do.</p>
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<p>Elaine walks in.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Fred, do
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you know Elaine?</p>
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<p>Fred: No, it's
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nice to meet you. Well, I'm outta here, see you guys.</p>
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<p>George: Alright,
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bye.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Seeya.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Did you
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hear that? He said, 'nice to meet you.'</p>
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<p>Jerry: So?</p>
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<p>Elaine: So? We've
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met before. At Katie Ash's party, we talked for like ten</p>
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<p>minutes.</p>
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<p>Jerry: And he
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didn't remember you?</p>
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<p>Elaine gets up
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to leave.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Where are
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you going, you just got here?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I gotta
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go talk to him.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Elaine catches
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up to Fred on the street.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Excuse
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me, excuse me, Fred?</p>
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<p>Fred: Yeah?</p>
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<p>Elaine: You just
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said, 'nice to meet you', but actually we've met before.</p>
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<p>Fred: We have?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah,
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at Katie Ash's party?</p>
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<p>Fred: What was
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your name again?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Elaine.
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You don't remember our conversation? I talked about how my</p>
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<p>uncle worked in
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the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald?</p>
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<p>Fred: Not ringing
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a bell.</p>
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<p>Elaine: When my
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uncle said to him, 'the president's been shot' Oswald winked at</p>
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<p>him and said,
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'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?</p>
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<p>Fred: Mmm, no.</p>
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<p>Elaine: That was
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right when we were in front of the bathroom door.</p>
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<p>Fred: The bathroom
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door. I remember someone had played tic-tac-toe on it, and</p>
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<p>the X's won; they
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went diagonally from the top left to the bottom right.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry's apartment,
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Jerry is on the phone.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Jerry: Hey that
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sounds great, I'd love to do some TV commercials, that should</p>
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<p>really be fun.</p>
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<p>Kramer enters
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holding a police scanner.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Uh huh,
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okay, alright, bye. Huh, how do you like that? I'm gonna do</p>
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<p>some TV spots
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for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry</p>
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<p>himself, I'm gonna
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meet with him tomorrow.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Leapin'
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Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What is
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that?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well,
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it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything: Fires,</p>
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<p>harbor patrol,
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even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. Uh oh, we</p>
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<p>got a big fire
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on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, I'd give it all up</p>
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<p>to be a fireman.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, those
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civil servants who risk their lives really got it made.</p>
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<p>Kramer: When I
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was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that</p>
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<p>big hook and ladder.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You're
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lucky they let you drive a car.</p>
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<p>Kramer: No no
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no, they're talking the West Side Highway, at this time of day</p>
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<p>that's insane.
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They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools.</p>
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<p>Kramer runs out,
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Elaine enters.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What was
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that?</p>
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<p>Jerry: (waving
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his arm in dismissal) Eh.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Alright.
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So, get a load of this. This guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers</p>
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<p>every little thing
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about that night except me.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Really?
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I'm surprised, he doesn't meet that many women.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What are
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you saying?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, what's
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to be said? He didn't remember you.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah,
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but why? I mean, ya know.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I know.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Ya know?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, I
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know.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Huh, lookit,
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you got the new catalog.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, you
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wrote a good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Too good.
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Peterman was so pleased, now he wants to take me out to</p>
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<p>dinner tomorrow.
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Maybe you wanna come with me.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why would
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I wanna do that?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh please,
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Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells</p>
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<p>these stories,
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it's gonna be awful.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, sounds
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like fun.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>George and Susan
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are at George's apartment.</p>
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<p>Susan: I want
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you to tell me, George.</p>
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<p>George: Why? Why
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is my code so important?</p>
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<p>Susan: Because,
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it's part of our relationship, it's an indication of trust. </p>
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<p>We're not supposed
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to keep secrets from one another.</p>
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<p>George: Well I'm
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sure you have secrets from me. I don't know anything about</p>
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<p>your cycles.</p>
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<p>Susan: My cycles?</p>
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|
<p>George: Yeah,
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I never know what's going on there.</p>
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<p>Susan: Well from
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now on I'll keep you apprised of my cycles.</p>
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<p>George: Please.</p>
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<p>Susan: Anything
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else?</p>
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<p>George: We're
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out of Bosco!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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|
<p>Jerry and Leapin'
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Larry are in the office at the appliance store.</p>
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|
<p>Jerry: Howbout
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|
this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our</p>
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|
<p>prices, we'll
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give you the store.</p>
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|
<p>Leapin' Larry:
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Ya know I've always liked your comedy, you don't take cheap</p>
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|
<p>shots.</p>
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<p>Jerry: No I don't.</p>
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<p>Leapin' Larry:
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Sorry for keeping you here so long. Again, I apologize for the</p>
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<p>mess. This renovation
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is killing me.</p>
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|
<p>Jerry (to himself):
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My foot's asleep again!</p>
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|
<p>Leapin' Larry
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walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe limp,</p>
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|
<p>Leapin' Larry:
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When I lost my leg in the boating accident, I got so depressed</p>
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<p>about this damn
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prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business. </p>
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<p>But now I'm rejuvenated.
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Let me show you around the store. </p>
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<p>Jerry: You know
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what? I'll be with you in a minute.</p>
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<p>Jerry stands and
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|
begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin' Larry's</p>
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|
<p>employee begins
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laughing.</p>
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<p>Employee: That
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is a great impression!</p>
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|
<p>Leapin' Larry
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walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed. Jerry is</p>
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|
<p>embarrassed.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Larry,
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wait, you don't understand!</p>
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|
<p> </p>
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|
<p>New scene.</p>
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|
<p>Jerry and Kramer
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|
are in Jerry's apartment.</p>
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|
<p>Kramer: I just
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|
came from Leapin' Larry's. Making fun of crippled people, is</p>
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|
<p>that what you've
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sunk to?</p>
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|
<p>Jerry: I didn't
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|
do it on purpose, my foot fell asleep.</p>
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|
<p>Kramer: Oh, oh
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|
your foot fell asleep.</p>
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|
<p>Jerry: Ya know,
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|
the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry,</p>
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|
<p>you'd think he
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|
had a sense of humor about it.</p>
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|
<p>Kramer: Well,
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|
you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you,</p>
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|
<p>munjamba?</p>
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|
<p>Jerry's door buzzer
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|
rings, Jerry presses the button.</p>
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|
<p>Jerry: Yup.</p>
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<p>Voice: Hup.</p>
|
|
<p>A news bulletin
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|
is shown on the TV.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Boy, look
|
|
at that. Se that's that fire I was listening to yesterday.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wow, the
|
|
whole building burned down.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: They just
|
|
don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got</p>
|
|
<p>us to Yankee Stadium
|
|
in rush hour in fifteen minutes?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Of course.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: It's all
|
|
up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: The amazing
|
|
thing is you never have any place to go.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves,
|
|
George enters.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Where
|
|
we gonna eat?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: We're gonna
|
|
meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Peterman?
|
|
Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Of course
|
|
not, if I did would you have gone?</p>
|
|
<p>George: No way.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: There you
|
|
go.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I don't
|
|
even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna</p>
|
|
<p>have to be on
|
|
all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be</p>
|
|
<p>off.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Trust me,
|
|
you're off.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine bumps into
|
|
Fred on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, hi
|
|
Fred.</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: Um, hello?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: Oh yeah,
|
|
yeah, right.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: How ya
|
|
doin'?</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: I'm depressed.
|
|
I got this new shirt, the button fell off. Once the</p>
|
|
<p>button falls off,
|
|
that's it. I'll never fix it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah,
|
|
that's too bad.</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: Yeah, I'm
|
|
gonna get some vitamins, I feel depleted.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hmm. I
|
|
never take them.</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: Cause they
|
|
make you nauseous, right?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah!
|
|
Yeah, that's right, you remembered!</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: Do you wanna
|
|
have dinner tonight?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hmm. Tonight.</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: What, you
|
|
have other plans?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No, no
|
|
no no, none that I can, um, remember.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and George
|
|
enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up in</p>
|
|
<p>mid-conversation.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: ...Alright,
|
|
you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. </p>
|
|
<p>The only way I
|
|
can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your</p>
|
|
<p>ATM code.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Call the
|
|
Embassy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: They're
|
|
closed.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Bomb threat.</p>
|
|
<p>George: We're
|
|
in Turkey?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Midnight
|
|
Express, my friend.</p>
|
|
<p>George: My card
|
|
won't work there; they're not on the Plus system.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Peterman walks
|
|
in.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: You
|
|
must be Jerry Seinfeld.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes, hi,
|
|
Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: J. Peterman.</p>
|
|
<p>George (grabbing
|
|
lapels): J. Crew.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, is
|
|
Elaine here?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Oh,
|
|
Elaine just called, she won't be joining us. Not to worry, I'll</p>
|
|
<p>tell the maitre'd
|
|
it'll just be the three bulls.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What's
|
|
going on? He still wants to have dinner with us?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Without
|
|
Elaine? What for?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What,
|
|
is he crazy?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: We gotta
|
|
get out of here. Come on; weave your web, liar man.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I've got
|
|
nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: George,
|
|
what's the matter with you?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm choking!</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Ah,
|
|
Fong has been most accommodating. Shall we?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Actually,
|
|
you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that</p>
|
|
<p>I'd do a set tonight,
|
|
so, terribly sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: I understand,
|
|
no hard feelings. George and I will miss your company. </p>
|
|
<p>Fong? It will
|
|
just be two this evening. George, we dine.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is waiting
|
|
on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine (to herself):
|
|
I can't believe this, is this guy standing me up?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George and Peterman
|
|
are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story. George is</p>
|
|
<p>disinterested.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: ...And
|
|
there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of my</p>
|
|
<p>search. The Gwon-Jaya
|
|
River market, fabrics and spices traded under a starlit</p>
|
|
<p>sky. It was there
|
|
that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes seven-and-a-half</p>
|
|
<p>through eight-and-three-quarters.
|
|
Price? Thirty-five dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Howbout
|
|
sports? Do you follow sports?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment,
|
|
Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn beside him on</p>
|
|
<p>the couch.</p>
|
|
<p>TV announcer:
|
|
It's fourth and inches and the Giants are going for it! You</p>
|
|
<p>gotta love sports!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman is driving
|
|
George home.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You know,
|
|
this is very nice, but I really could take a cab. Really.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Ha ha,
|
|
nonsense, George. Besides it gives me a chance to tell you</p>
|
|
<p>about my latest
|
|
trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual corduroy.</p>
|
|
<p>The car phone
|
|
rings, Peterman answers.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Peterman
|
|
here. What? Oh no. Alright, I'll be right there. (To</p>
|
|
<p>George) It's my
|
|
mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to God we can make</p>
|
|
<p>it there in time.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman makes
|
|
a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the passenger side</p>
|
|
<p>window.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is on the
|
|
phone with Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I can't
|
|
believe you blew us off; we were doing you the favor.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well,
|
|
Fred asked me out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Fred?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah,
|
|
and then he stood me up. I don't get this guy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You see
|
|
what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't</p>
|
|
<p>remember anything
|
|
about you.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I am?
|
|
But that's so sick.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's
|
|
God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Anyway,
|
|
so how was the dinner?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, when
|
|
I heard you weren't coming I made up and excuse and got the</p>
|
|
<p>hell out of there.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What about
|
|
Georgie?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Nah, he
|
|
didn't make it.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman's mother's
|
|
house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting with the</p>
|
|
<p>doctor.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Doctor,
|
|
how is she?</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: She's
|
|
too weak to talk but she'll be happy to hear your voice.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Mama,
|
|
it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for you, mama.</p>
|
|
<p>She looks off
|
|
in George's direction.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm, uh,
|
|
George Costanza. I was having dinner with your son.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman's mother's
|
|
apartment. George is sleeping in a chair with a coat</p>
|
|
<p>covering him.
|
|
Peterman wakes him up.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Shake
|
|
off the dew, my friend.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah.
|
|
What time is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: It's
|
|
morning. Thanks for seeing me through the night. I'll make us</p>
|
|
<p>a pot of coffee,
|
|
George. Watch her, won't you?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Who?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Momma.
|
|
Just talk to her, George. The doctor seems to think it</p>
|
|
<p>helps.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman leaves,
|
|
George attempts conversation.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hi. I-I
|
|
really should be getting back to my fianc, you know, we, uh,</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>we had this big
|
|
fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my</p>
|
|
<p>secret code. I-I
|
|
don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I</p>
|
|
<p>would really love
|
|
to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You uh, you wanna</p>
|
|
<p>know what it is?
|
|
It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I love that</p>
|
|
<p>stuff, I pour
|
|
it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, that is a</p>
|
|
<p>relief!</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. Peterman:
|
|
Bosco. Bosco.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, shhh.</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. Peterman
|
|
(sitting up): Bosco!</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman (from
|
|
another room): Momma?</p>
|
|
<p>George" Quiet,
|
|
quiet! It's a secret.</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. Peterman:
|
|
Bosco! Bosco! Bosco!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Shut up!
|
|
Shut up!</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman runs
|
|
in.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Momma!
|
|
What are you trying to say?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. Peterman:
|
|
Bosco.</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. Peterman
|
|
falls back in bed and closes her eyes.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: She's
|
|
gone. Bosco?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman looks
|
|
at George, who shrugs.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George and Jerry
|
|
are in Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You know
|
|
this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't</p>
|
|
<p>bailed out on
|
|
me at the restaurant.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I did not
|
|
bail out on you. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Well why
|
|
couldn't you include me in your excuse?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why didn't
|
|
you come up with your own?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I froze.
|
|
I think I'm losing it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ah, c'mon.
|
|
Maybe you're just in a slump?</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, no.
|
|
I reached down and there was *nothing* there.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Now Peterman
|
|
wants me to go to the funeral.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, come
|
|
on, just tell me your code already. What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I am not
|
|
giving you my code.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'll bet
|
|
I can guess it.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Pssh.
|
|
Yeah. Right.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, alright.
|
|
Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out</p>
|
|
<p>birthdays immediately.
|
|
That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a</p>
|
|
<p>word man. Alright,
|
|
let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well,</p>
|
|
<p>you're weak, spineless,
|
|
a man of temptations, but what tempts you?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You're
|
|
a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your</p>
|
|
<p>pleasure? Is it
|
|
the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet</p>
|
|
<p>tooth.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Get out
|
|
of here.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh you
|
|
may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the</p>
|
|
<p>cocoa bean.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm leaving.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (building
|
|
up steam as George bolts for the door): No, and only the</p>
|
|
<p>purest syrup nectar
|
|
can satisfy you! </p>
|
|
<p>George: I gotta
|
|
go.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: If you
|
|
could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Shut up!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Nestl's
|
|
Quik!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Shut up!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and George
|
|
are at the funeral.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What was
|
|
that?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What?</p>
|
|
<p>George: You just
|
|
checked your watch. Are you thinking of bailing on him?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I got
|
|
a date.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Peterman walks
|
|
up.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, Mr.
|
|
Peterman.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Oh,
|
|
Elaine. George, when momma said 'Bosco' she must have been</p>
|
|
<p>trying to communicate
|
|
something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Mothers
|
|
say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy</p>
|
|
<p>person.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mr. Peterman,
|
|
you have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, I've</p>
|
|
<p>gotta get going.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: You
|
|
do?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Uh, yes,
|
|
actually we-we both do.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I have
|
|
a personal commitment.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well,
|
|
personal, I mean, we both uh...</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: What
|
|
is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I'm speaking
|
|
at a women's' rights conference.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes, and
|
|
I'm speaking at a men's' conference.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: I don't
|
|
believe that for a minute. Well, Elaine, it was good of you</p>
|
|
<p>to stop by.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: My pleasure.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Fortunately,
|
|
I still have George here to help me through this.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: You
|
|
know George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor</p>
|
|
<p>that momma had
|
|
taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer busts in
|
|
to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, you
|
|
wanna come down the fire station with me?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Fire station?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah,
|
|
I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world! </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Nah, I
|
|
gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, so
|
|
he took you back.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, we
|
|
straightened it out, all is forgiven.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well,
|
|
you know the important thing is that you learned something.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No I didn't.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer is at the
|
|
fire station, talking with the Captain.</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: Well,
|
|
Mr. Kramer, your list of short cuts is most impressive.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah,
|
|
and this is just the Upper West Side. Wait until I get to the</p>
|
|
<p>Village, then
|
|
you're gonna see a magic show.</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: Mr. Kramer,
|
|
just about every week some brash young hothead like</p>
|
|
<p>yourself saunters
|
|
in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for</p>
|
|
<p>the trucks, well,
|
|
fact is we feel things are fine the way they are.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is back
|
|
at Leapin' Larry's.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Anyway,
|
|
thanks for having me back, and sorry about the misunderstanding.</p>
|
|
<p>Leapin' Larry:
|
|
Water under the bridge. Come on, I never did get a chance to</p>
|
|
<p>show you around
|
|
the store.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh sure.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry stands up
|
|
to find his leg is asleep.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Uh, again?
|
|
(Limping towards the door) I'll be right there. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry stomps his
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
foot on the floor a few times before he leaves, he accidentally</p>
|
|
<p>bumps a paint
|
|
can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid which spills onto</p>
|
|
<p>some exposed electrical
|
|
wires causing a fire.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Back at the fire
|
|
station, the alarm is ringing.</p>
|
|
<p>Dispatcher: Attention
|
|
Company 390, structure fire at Leapin' Larry's Appliance</p>
|
|
<p>Warehouse.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Leapin'
|
|
Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. You gotta take Amsterdam.</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: Stay
|
|
out of this, Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer sees the
|
|
firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a try. As he lands</p>
|
|
<p>he bumps one of
|
|
the firemen into the truck, then to the floor in a daze.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Are you
|
|
ok, cowboy? Where do you need to go?</p>
|
|
<p>Fireman (groggy):
|
|
I drive the back of the truck.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer's face
|
|
lights up.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well,
|
|
you'd better take it easy.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer grabs a
|
|
coat and helmet and heads towards the back of the truck.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Fred
|
|
are having dinner.</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: Sorry about
|
|
the other night but my mother called, she couldn't find her</p>
|
|
<p>pills. I had to
|
|
go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills, and they were</p>
|
|
<p>right there in
|
|
the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Huh.</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: The worst
|
|
part is getting from the subway station to the house. There's</p>
|
|
<p>no transportation...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine (to herself):
|
|
What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he</p>
|
|
<p>didn't remember
|
|
me? He's demented, listen to him...</p>
|
|
<p>Fred: ...I could
|
|
have taken a cab but if my mother saw me pull up in a cab,</p>
|
|
<p>she'd start yelling
|
|
at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for? It's so</p>
|
|
<p>expensive!"
|
|
She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George and Peterman
|
|
are sitting beside the casket.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Bosco.
|
|
Bosco. Bosco.</p>
|
|
<p>A woman rushes
|
|
in and shouts:</p>
|
|
<p>There's a big
|
|
fire down the street, the whole block is going up in flames!</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman gets
|
|
up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks back. George is</p>
|
|
<p>still sitting
|
|
on the couch, looking up and shaking his head.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: George!</p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Inside the speeding
|
|
fire engine.</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: Gonna
|
|
make a left onto Broadway.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (over the
|
|
radio): No, I would advise against that.</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: Who is
|
|
this?</p>
|
|
<p>Quick cut to Kramer
|
|
driving the back of the fire truck.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: It's Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: Kramer?!
|
|
What the hell are you doing back there?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: DeSoto's
|
|
down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Outside Leapin'
|
|
Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances as smoke pours</p>
|
|
<p>from the building.
|
|
A woman approaches Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: How did
|
|
this start?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Beats me.</p>
|
|
<p>Leapin' Larry:
|
|
Where the hell's the fire department? I'm gonna lose the whole</p>
|
|
<p>store!</p>
|
|
<p>Cut back to Kramer
|
|
on the truck.</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: Kramer,
|
|
get the hell off of there. You're not trained to operate this</p>
|
|
<p>equipment!</p>
|
|
<p>Man on the street:
|
|
Hey, Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (waving):
|
|
Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>Cut back to Leapin'
|
|
Larry's.</p>
|
|
<p>Leapin' Larry:
|
|
Try the scanner, see if you can pick up anything.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry turns on
|
|
the scanner.</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: What
|
|
are you doing, Kramer?! You're all over the road!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Don't
|
|
worry, Cap, I can handle it!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Kramer?</p>
|
|
<p>Cut to Kramer
|
|
losing control of the truck.</p>
|
|
<p>Captain: You're
|
|
losing control! Hard right! Hard right!</p>
|
|
<p>Cut to Jerry holding
|
|
the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing sound, and</p>
|
|
<p>then static.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ah, that's
|
|
a shame.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George and Peterman
|
|
lead a group of people down a smoke filled block.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: The
|
|
fire will eat up this entire block!</p>
|
|
<p>They come upon
|
|
an ATM vestibule.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Look,
|
|
there's a man in there. Get out of there, you're in danger! </p>
|
|
<p>Man: But my sleeve,
|
|
it's stuck in the machine, it ate my card!</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: George,
|
|
give me your ATM card!</p>
|
|
<p>George: I don't
|
|
have my ATM card.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: George,
|
|
you're obviously lying, anyone can see that!</p>
|
|
<p>George pulls out
|
|
his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it into the slot and</p>
|
|
<p>tries the door.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: It's
|
|
jammed! I'll slide it under the door, </p>
|
|
<p>The man grabs
|
|
the card and slams it into the machine.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Man: Now give
|
|
me your code!</p>
|
|
<p>George: What?!
|
|
Why?</p>
|
|
<p>Man: The machine
|
|
won't open without the code!</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: George,
|
|
give him your code!</p>
|
|
<p>George: But I-I-I-</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: George,
|
|
there's no time! Tell him your code! Shout out your code,</p>
|
|
<p>man!!</p>
|
|
<p>Man: The code!!
|
|
The code!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George and Jerry
|
|
are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in and drops some mail</p>
|
|
<p>on the coffee
|
|
table. </p>
|
|
<p>Susan: Hi. Here's
|
|
your cash, George. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Hm. Thanks.</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: And here's
|
|
your card back. Anyone for Bosco?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh my god.
|
|
Look at this.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hm?</p>
|
|
<p>Perry: It's the
|
|
new J. Peterman catalog. Look.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hands the
|
|
catalog to George.</p>
|
|
<p>George: The Rogue's
|
|
Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little</p>
|
|
<p>secret. Short,
|
|
devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother.</p>
|
|
<p>END.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
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|
<p>
|
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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