722 lines
41 KiB
HTML
722 lines
41 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Seinfeld Chronicles </h1>
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[Scene: Comedy club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: You know, why we're here? [he means: here in the "Comedy
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club"] To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single
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most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people
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talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're
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talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home.
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Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin'
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to find us, they don't know where we are. [imitates one of these
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people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone]
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"Did you ring?, I can't find him." [imitates other person
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on phone] "Where did he go?" [the first person again]
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"He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone
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out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes,
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right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get
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your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're
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staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting
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back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to
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sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right?
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Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Scene: Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a
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table.]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
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[talking about George's shirt] The second button literally makes
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or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land,
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you look like you live with your mother.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Are you through? [kind of irritated]</p>
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<p>JERRY: You do of course try on, when you buy?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall
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considering the buttons.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, you don't recall?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [pretends he's talking into a microphone] Uh, no, not at
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this time.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when
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you knew it. [a waitress approaches the table]</p>
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<p>WAITRESS: Mister Seinfeld. [she pours coffee in his cup] Mister
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Costanza. [she wants to pour coffee, but George stops her]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator?</p>
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<p>WAITRESS: It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left,
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regular right, decaf left, regular right...it's very challenging
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work. [ironically]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional
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waitress.</p>
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<p>WAITRESS: Trust me George: no one has any interest in seeing you
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on caffeine. [she pours the coffee and walks away]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman
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is coming in?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, you didn't!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political
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science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...[looks
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in the milk can] There's no milk in here, what...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Wait wait wait, what is she, [takes the milk can from Jerry
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and puts it on the table] what is she like?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth
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about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the
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conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking
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with you, but, ya know, obviously much better.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [with a big smile] So, ya know, what, what happened?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but is was great.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, nothing happened, but it was...</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: This is great!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to go out with
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you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she
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called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and
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maybe we'll get together. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: [whistles disapproving] Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had
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to come in"?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, but...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"?
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"Had to" and "Maybe"?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna
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see this woman.</p>
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<p>JERRY: [indignant] What, are you serious...why, why did she call?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite.
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</p>
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<p>JERRY: To be polite? You are insane!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this, you
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wanna know why she called you?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case,
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a B-plan of contingency!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, I get it, this is about the button.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [The waitress(Claire) passes the table; George stops her
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and writes something on his note-block] Claire, Claire, you're a
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woman, right?</p>
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<p>CLAIRE: What gave it away, George?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical
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phone call, ya know, from a female point of view.</p>
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<p>JERRY: [to George] Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now,
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how is she gonna know?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [to Claire] Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says
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she has to [makes some gestures to accent "has to"] come
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to New York on business...</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh you are beautiful! [ironically] </p>
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<p>GEORGE: and, and maybe [again some gestures] she'll see me when
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she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?</p>
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<p>CLAIRE: I'd have to say: uuhh, no. [George shows his note-block
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to Jerry, it says very largely: NO]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [to Claire] So why did she call?</p>
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<p>CLAIRE: To be polite.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: To be polite, I rest my case.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking
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about, now, come on, come with me [stands up], I, I gotta go get
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my stuff out of the dryer anyway.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy".</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Come on, I'm tired.</p>
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<p>CLAIRE: [to Jerry] Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine: he'll
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perk up.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes; panics] Right,
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I knew I felt something...! [Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away
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with a smile]</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Scene: Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring
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at one of the dryers]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this is the dullest
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moment I've ever experienced. [walks away from the dryer; a man
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passes George and Jerry]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's
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got: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners; this is not his first
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load.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta get out of the
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city, I feel so cramped...</p>
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<p>JERRY: And you didn't even hear how she sounded.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Laura.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I can't believe: [falls on his knees] WE ALREADY DISCUSSED
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THIS!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, but how could you be so sure?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [gets up] 'Cause it's signals, Jerry [starts snapping his
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fingers], it's signals! Don't you....all right. Did she even ask
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you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow?
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What is that? It's Saturday night!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What is that? It's ridiculous! [Jerry bobs agreeingly]
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You don't even know, what hotel she's staying at, you can't call
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her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! [snaps his fingers
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again] Signal!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Maybe you're right.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right.</p>
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<p>JERRY: This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's
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staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [puts an arm around Jerry and whispers] I know, I know.
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[normal voice] Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't
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you just see if it's dried?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working,
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it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're gonna "overdry" it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You, you can't "overdry".</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Same as you can't "overwet". [George looks puzzled]
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You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead:
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like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and
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I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You
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can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to
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them pointing to Jerry] Any questions?</p>
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<p>JERRY: How could she not tell me where she was staying? [George
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stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it: the dryer stops
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working and George closes the lid]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [points to the dryer] Look at that: they're done! It's
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a miracle! [Jerry looks surprised]</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Scene: Comedy club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the
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live of clothes. It is...no, think about it: the washing machine
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is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, it's dark, there's bubbles
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happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there...shirt grabs
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the underwear: "C'mon babe, let's gather". You come by,
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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you open up the lid and they'll: [shows how clothes are acting when
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you open the lid]...Socks are the most amazing article of clothing.
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They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the
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boring drawers...the dryer is their only chance to escape and they
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all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in
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the hamper, the night before: [sock's voice] "Tomorrow, the
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dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!" The dryer-door swings open
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and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you
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don't see him and then he goes down the road [shows how the sock
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is going down the road]. They got buttons sowed on their faces:
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join the puppet show...So they're showing me on television the detergent
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for getting out blood-stains...Is this a violent image to anybody?
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Blood-stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains
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all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe
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you oughtta get the harpoon out your chest first.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV]</p>
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<p>JERRY: [The phone rings. He picks it up and says:] If you know
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what happened in the Mets-game, don't say anything, I taped it,
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hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah,
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no [somebody knocks at the door] Yeah? [to the door, while still
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at the phone]</p>
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<p>KRAMER: [enters] Are you up?</p>
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<p>JERRY: [To Kramer] Yeah...[in the phone] Yeah, people do move!
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Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem
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[hangs up the phone].</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? </p>
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<p>JERRY: [upset] Ooohhhh, what are you doing? Kramer, it's a tape!
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[actually I can't understand the name; maybe "Kramer"
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wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!] I taped the game,
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it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night
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to watch this.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...[takes
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two loaves of bread out of his pockets] You got any meat?</p>
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<p>JERRY: [a little irritated] Meat? I don't, I don't know, go...hunt!
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[Kramer walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in] Well what,
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what happened in the game anyway?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: [still with his head in the refrigerator] What happened?
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Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! [takes some meat from the
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refrigerator and closes it] Ya know, I almost wound up going to
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that game.</p>
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<p>JERRY: [cynical] Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't
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been out of the building in ten years!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah. [Jerry sits down on the couch. Kramer sits down next
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to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly
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he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry looks at him
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with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look" and Kramer asks:]
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Are you done with this?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: [glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the
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magazine back on the table] When you're done, let me know.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, it's OK now, that, that girl is not comin' uh, I, I
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misread the whole thing.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You want me to talk to her?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't think so.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost...
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a lawyer. [shows with his fingers how close it was]</p>
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<p>JERRY: That close, huh?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You better believe it. [The phone rings. Jerry picks it
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up]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Give me it...let me talk to her [continues this way].</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [gestures Kramer to shut up] No believe me, I'm always up
|
|
at this hour. How are you?...great...sure...What time does the plane
|
|
get in?...I got my friend George to take me...[Kramer suddenly notices
|
|
something in the Mets-game on TV]...</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: A SLIDE!...Wow!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...No, it's, it's just my neighbour...uhm...yeah, I got
|
|
it [takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on] ten-fifteen...No,
|
|
don't be silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK, great, no no,
|
|
it's no trouble at all...I'll see you tomorrow...great, bye. [hangs
|
|
up the phone; to Kramer:] I, I don't believe it...That, that was
|
|
her. She wants to stay here!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George enter, lifting a heavy
|
|
mattress]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette
|
|
in his mouth the whole way. [talks from now on like he has a cigarette
|
|
in his mouth] Have you got your end?...Your end's got to come down
|
|
first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end's got to
|
|
come down.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra bed
|
|
for woman, that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in
|
|
an extra guy too? [sits down]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [hands George a beer] Look, it's a very awkward situation,
|
|
I, I don't wanna be presumptuous.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What
|
|
was the EXACT phrasing of the request?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel- room...</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: A decent hotel-room...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient
|
|
if she stayed at my place.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You can't be serious. This is New York city: there must
|
|
be eleven million decent hotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag? [waves
|
|
with his handkerchief] This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [cynical] This is the signal. Thank you, mister Signal,
|
|
where were you yesterday?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I think I was affected by the caffeine. [suddenly a dog
|
|
enters the apartment and jumps George at the couch] HO, HO, HO,
|
|
GOOD DOG [etc.]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: [walks in behind the dog and closes the door] He really
|
|
likes you, George.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: [ironically] Well, that's flattering. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: [the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently starts drinking
|
|
from the toilet] Oh, he's getting' a drink of water. [sees the mattress
|
|
on the floor] Is this for that girl?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Why even give her an option?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: This is a person I like, it's not: "How to score on
|
|
spring break".</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked, I'm gonna get
|
|
a ticket.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, I forgot to clean the
|
|
bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So what? That's good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Now, how could that be good?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Because filth is good...Whatta you think: rock stars have
|
|
sponges and ammonia lyin' around the bathroom? They, they have a
|
|
woman comin' over: "I've gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these
|
|
matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS
|
|
do the opposite.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: This is how you operate?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, I wish.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Let me just wipe the sink.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: [stands up from the couch and yells.] WHY EVEN GIVE HER
|
|
AN OPTION FOR? [Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door;
|
|
to George, while pointing to the mattress] It's unbelievable.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: ...How's the real estate-business?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE:...[surprised he asked] It's uh, not bad, it's comin' along...Why?
|
|
Did you need something.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, I might be getting in to that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: [slaps George on the arm] You keep me posted!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm aware of you, all right, let's go [opens the bathroom
|
|
door], let's go! [Jerry and the dog come out] You're on stage in
|
|
25 minutes.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: Comedy club.]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The dating world is not a fun world...it's a pressure world,
|
|
it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and ya know, if
|
|
a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready,
|
|
'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what
|
|
they need. I know I don't have it, I know that...Ya know what they
|
|
need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one
|
|
I'm, always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no
|
|
cotton-balls, we're all human beings, what is the story? I've never
|
|
had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been
|
|
in a situation, when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball
|
|
right now"...I can certainly get out of this mess...Women need
|
|
them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them,
|
|
they need bags, they're like peat-moss(?) bags, have you ever seen
|
|
these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out,
|
|
they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls,
|
|
ladies? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see'em
|
|
is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two orthree,
|
|
that look like they've been through some horrible experience...
|
|
tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them...I once
|
|
went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls
|
|
over my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out,
|
|
I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought
|
|
maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town:
|
|
"Let's move on"... The dating world is a world of pressure.
|
|
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night.
|
|
The only difference between a date and a job-interview is: not many
|
|
job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end
|
|
of it...ya know: "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man
|
|
for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the
|
|
people you'll be workin' with?".</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: Airport. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's
|
|
thinking?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman
|
|
what she's thinkin'.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective: I've gotta pick
|
|
up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna
|
|
know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really? How?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'Cause it's all in the greeting. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh-huh.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets
|
|
you, that's a good sign.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Right.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ya know, anything in the, in the "lip-area" is
|
|
good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: "Lip-area".</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ya know a hug: definitely good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hug is definitely good.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Sure.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders
|
|
are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's so brutal, I hate that.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ya know how they do that?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's why, ya know, a shake is bad.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"?
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the
|
|
eyes?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hand-sandwich.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Right.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so
|
|
much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the
|
|
eyes...[suddenly a woman approaches Jerry from behind and puts her
|
|
hands over Jerry's eyes]</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Guess who?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, hey.</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA and JERRY: Heeeey! [they take each others hands like they're
|
|
planning to do a folk dance; George is looking puzzled]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: This is my friend George.</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: [shakes George's hand] Hi, how nice to meet you.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hi, how are you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: This is Laura.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Laura, sure.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [to Laura] I can't believe you're here.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE and JERRY: Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. [they pick up the bags]</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Oh, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [privately to George] Now that was an interesting greeting,
|
|
did you notice that, George?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes, the "surprise-blindfold-greeting". That
|
|
wasn't in the manual, I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So uh, what do ya think?</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road...So uh,
|
|
make yourself at home. [Laura sits down on the couch, takes off
|
|
her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt] So uh, can I get
|
|
you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: [laughs] Actually uhm, do you have any wine?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do.</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down? [points to the
|
|
lamp]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. [she turns down the lamp]</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering: would it be possible, and
|
|
if it's not, fine, for me to stay here tomorrow night too?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you stay? Yeah, uhm...What
|
|
is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin'
|
|
anything?</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: No, I'd love to do something, uh, I have my seminar in the
|
|
morning, then after that I'm right open.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really? What would you like to do?</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Well...now I know this sounds touristy, but I'd just love
|
|
to go on one of those five-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [doubtfully] Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not.
|
|
[pours the wine] I'm just, I'm really glad you're here. [the phone
|
|
rings; he picks it up] Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on.
|
|
[to Laura] Uhm, it's for you.</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: [she takes the phone] Hello?...Hi!...no no it was great,
|
|
right on time...no, I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes it's
|
|
fine..no, we're goin' on a boat-ride...don't be silly...I'm not
|
|
gonna have this conversation...look I, I'll call you tomorrow...OK,
|
|
bye [she hangs up the phone]. Never get engaged.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're engaged?</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: You, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually
|
|
do it and I'm on this emotional roller coaster.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're engaged? [still can't believe it]</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to
|
|
start thinking in terms of "we", uh, it's a very stressful
|
|
situation.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're engaged! [like he's answering his own question]</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: You'd really like him...ya know, I can't wait to get on
|
|
that boat.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Me too!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: Comedy club.]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking.
|
|
I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals.
|
|
I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything
|
|
they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know
|
|
what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want
|
|
women, that's it!...It's the only thing we know for sure, it really
|
|
is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that,
|
|
we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is
|
|
why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites.
|
|
These are the best ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk, is
|
|
that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man
|
|
is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks:
|
|
[imitates horn]</p>
|
|
<p>e-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh, this man is out of ideas. How does it...?
|
|
[imitates horn again] e-e-e-eeeehhhh, "I don't think she likes
|
|
me"...The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't
|
|
we. Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How
|
|
are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little
|
|
bit about our organization. "Where ever women are?", we
|
|
have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be
|
|
our best man, OK, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from
|
|
our staff is on the scene...That's why, I think, men get frustrated,
|
|
when we see women reading articles, like: "Where to meet men?".
|
|
We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve
|
|
you better.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"></p>
|
|
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|
|
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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