3791 lines
183 KiB
HTML
3791 lines
183 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Seven</h1>
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<br>
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Transcribed by Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness, UK </p>
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<p>Episode Number: 123<br>
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Original Air Date: February 01, 1996<br>
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Written by: Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer<br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p>Guest Cast:<br>
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Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken)<br>
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Shannon Holt (Carrie)<br>
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Lisa Deanne (Christie)<br>
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Charles Emmett (Orderly)<br>
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David Richards (Maitre d')<br>
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Matthew McCurley (Kid)<br>
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Josh Abramson (Man #1)<br>
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Steve Artiaga (Man #2)<br>
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Cheryl Hunter (Woman)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Nightclub]</p>
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<p>Jerry's standup piece.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I love it when people are complimented on something they're </p>
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<p>wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice
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tie." "Well, </p>
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<p>thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie,
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it's not for </p>
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<p>you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments
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for </p>
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<p>us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human </p>
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<p>qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are,
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nobody's gonna come </p>
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<p>Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and
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just try and </p>
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<p>match the colours up.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Antique Toy Store]</p>
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<p>Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. </p>
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<p>They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets,
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etc.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (awed) Oh, look at this!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.</p>
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<p>Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned </p>
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<p>girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the
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front.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!</p>
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<p>Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive </p>
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<p>woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress
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of </p>
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<p>mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on
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the chest </p>
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<p>and arms.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's </p>
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<p>model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.</p>
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<p>Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store,
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</p>
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<p>and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she
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notices </p>
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<p>and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to
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Elaine's </p>
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<p>voice.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What d'you think?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.</p>
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<p>Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.</p>
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<p>CHRISTIE: I think your friend needs some help over there.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.</p>
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<p>Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off
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</p>
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<p>the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much
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and she </p>
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<p>falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning
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her </p>
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<p>down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she
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rings </p>
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<p>the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from
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Christie.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey!</p>
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<p>Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Restaurant]</p>
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<p>George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is </p>
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<p>Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: A little baby girl?</p>
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<p>KEN: Doctor says it could be any day now.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are </p>
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<p>cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right?
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So what </p>
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<p>does that make me?</p>
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<p>CARRIE: Doesn't make you anything.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.</p>
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<p>George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and
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</p>
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<p>Carrie look perturbed.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: So, have you picked out a name yet?</p>
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<p>CARRIE: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Aww.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (negative) Hu-ho, boy.</p>
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<p>KEN: You don't like Kimberley?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ech. What else you got?</p>
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<p>KEN: How about Joan?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: (warning) George!</p>
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<p>CARRIE: Pamela?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people,
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</p>
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<p>I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.</p>
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<p>KEN: What?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.</p>
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<p>CARRIE: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you
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</p>
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<p>Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?</p>
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<p>KEN: Yeah, but uh... Soda?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, that's right. It's working.</p>
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<p>CARRIE: We'll put it on the list.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I solve problems. That's just what I do.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
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<p>Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building
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</p>
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<p>A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced
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</p>
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<p>meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated
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by the way </p>
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<p>Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're really going to town with that turkey there.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.</p>
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<p>Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's on the door.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff?
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</p>
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<p>No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.</p>
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<p>Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ah, 's no good.</p>
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<p>Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on,
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</p>
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<p>and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the
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mouthful he's </p>
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<p>taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No. That's bush league.</p>
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<p>Kramer heads toward the door.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? </p>
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<p>That's like half a pound of turkey!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without </p>
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<p>Dijon.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your</p>
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<p>favourites on hand.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy
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</p>
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<p>with our arrangement?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What arrangement?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I
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</p>
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<p>Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there
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</p>
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<p>and I will.</p>
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<p>Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's </p>
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<p>Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey. What's with your neck?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. </p>
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<p>(pointedly) By myself.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ach, maybe.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't know.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned
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</p>
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<p>it...</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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</p>
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<p>hell up?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Awright.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike
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</p>
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<p>to the first person who could make this pain go away.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Aw, you really hurting, huh?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.</p>
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<p>Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright, lean forward, relax.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (worried) What? What?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Encounter shiatsu.</p>
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<p>Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the
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</p>
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<p>Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ah hah.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (seriously worried) Wha...?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: He's a genius. Here we go...</p>
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<p>Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks
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</p>
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<p>Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of
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the </p>
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<p>couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: From pain, will come pleasure.</p>
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<p>Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud </p>
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<p>Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her
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head and </p>
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<p>steps away, job done.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Uh? Voila.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
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<p>Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's even more amazing is his formal training is in </p>
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<p>paediatrics.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Awright, my work is done here.</p>
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<p>Kramer heads for the door.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to
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</p>
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<p>anyone who fixes your neck.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You really think he wants the bike?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh yeah.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: It took him like ten seconds!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[George's Car]</p>
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<p>George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy,
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</p>
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<p>smiling and whistling.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I think they really went for that Soda.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring </p>
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<p>you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A
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</p>
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<p>Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Yeah.</p>
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<p>George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the
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</p>
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<p>Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: What is that? Sign language?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, Seven.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Seven Costanza? You're serious?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...</p>
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<p>Susan scoffs.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: I don't think so.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What, you don't like the name?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: It's not a name. It's a number.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all
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</p>
|
|
<p>Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: It's awful. I hate it!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (angry) Well, that's the name!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>be named Seven!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all </p>
|
|
<p>crazy on me!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>about his contretemps with Susan.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of </p>
|
|
<p>school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>than Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug </p>
|
|
<p>Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Pretty name for a girl.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, you having a good time there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>array of good within.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? </p>
|
|
<p>Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry. I had this name for a long time.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I forgot to call Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop </p>
|
|
<p>neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (smug) I'm not engaged.</p>
|
|
<p>George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small </p>
|
|
<p>goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, I got it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Got what?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. </p>
|
|
<p>Refrigerator problem, is solved.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>want.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And
|
|
then I </p>
|
|
<p>put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it
|
|
into the </p>
|
|
<p>bowl) There. Very simple.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sort of a mooching inventory.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>all up, and you give me the bill.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?</p>
|
|
<p>George passes by as he goes to the fridge.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>at our word, all is lost.</p>
|
|
<p>George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer </p>
|
|
<p>hears the hiss, and notices George.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Fastened to the collar.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>best in the city.</p>
|
|
<p>A member of staff approaches.</p>
|
|
<p>MAITRE D': May I take your coat, miss?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Yes, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store.
|
|
Jerry </p>
|
|
<p>looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Monks']</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Fingers his chin thoughtfully.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The same outfit?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The exact same outfit.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How many days was it between encounters.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Three.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new </p>
|
|
<p>wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything
|
|
got </p>
|
|
<p>clean and she started all over again.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the end of the cycle?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Very curious.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Indeed.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't </p>
|
|
<p>Destroy someone else's.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How about 'Mickey'?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!</p>
|
|
<p>George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cigar in his mouth.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>fridge?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, that's yours. My half is gone.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your </p>
|
|
<p>beef?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You cannot buy half a can of soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, why not.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>for this, okay...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hold up a half banana.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...You bite it, you bought it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even </p>
|
|
<p>know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>saying,</p>
|
|
<p>you're hungry enough to eat a horse.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time.
|
|
He </p>
|
|
<p>gets it from his butcher.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>have the bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George,
|
|
yeah, I </p>
|
|
<p>can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer holds one hand up above his head.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I always put you up here...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He </p>
|
|
<p>leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her
|
|
conscience. There </p>
|
|
<p>is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head,</p>
|
|
<p>expectantly.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (grudging) Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (points) Digidi.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves and closes the door again.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan are having dinner.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>them the name, they just loved it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, what're you saying?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: They're gonna name their baby Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I made it up!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I can't believe that they're using it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>all its cachet!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the </p>
|
|
<p>yin-yang!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses
|
|
her </p>
|
|
<p>face.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Street]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>other way gives her a warning.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Watch your step.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Excuse me. Elaine?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and neck.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, </p>
|
|
<p>right?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Yes. How y'doing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (bearing up) I'm fine.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie walks away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE 1 (O.C.): Lookin' good.</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE 2 (O.C.): Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You got that right!</p>
|
|
<p>A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.</p>
|
|
<p>KID: (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (shouting) Kramer! Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Outside Apartment Building]</p>
|
|
<p>George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular </p>
|
|
<p>apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN (O.C.): Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (O.C.): (angry shout) Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Kramer!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Haven't seen him. How's the neck?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>before.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she </p>
|
|
<p>moves.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the </p>
|
|
<p>antique store. What's her name, Christie?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You saw her? What was she wearing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>my neck.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you care?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.</p>
|
|
<p>There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch,
|
|
past the </p>
|
|
<p>TV and is heading for the door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Did you have a nice ride?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, great ride.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides </p>
|
|
<p>straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes
|
|
his </p>
|
|
<p>stumbling way upright again.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What're you talking about?! We had a deal!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck)
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>week.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What? You never told me that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's common sense.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should </p>
|
|
<p>settle this.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but</p>
|
|
<p>unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting </p>
|
|
<p>involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, I'm down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone
|
|
whose </p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>any kind.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give
|
|
an </p>
|
|
<p>Impression of limitless wisdom.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, that's the situation.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only
|
|
one </p>
|
|
<p>rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe
|
|
the law is </p>
|
|
<p>all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the
|
|
savages </p>
|
|
<p>who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing
|
|
parcels </p>
|
|
<p>into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Newman!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision,
|
|
no </p>
|
|
<p>Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Alright, let's begin.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single </p>
|
|
<p>'ting' of a microwave.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Ken and Carrie's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is </p>
|
|
<p>explaining about Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Why can't we use Seven?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>waffle!</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>It's very unusual.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You don't care for Soda?!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's </p>
|
|
<p>refreshing!</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie jumps and gives a cry.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Oh!</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I felt something.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Are you okay, honey?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I think I'm going into labour.</p>
|
|
<p>George flashes a panicked expression.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the </p>
|
|
<p>hospital...</p>
|
|
<p>Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here.</p>
|
|
<p>Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. </p>
|
|
<p>George trails along behind them, making suggestions.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What about Six?</p>
|
|
<p>Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.</p>
|
|
<p>Ken has left, George follows out the door.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!</p>
|
|
<p>George closes the door behind him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie
|
|
is </p>
|
|
<p>wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: I know exactly what you mean.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I'm sure you do.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews </p>
|
|
<p>thoughtfully.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these,
|
|
like </p>
|
|
<p>Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the </p>
|
|
<p>shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (horrified) Oh my god!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>you can do.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>back to my apartment, so I can change?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Ken and Carrie's Car]</p>
|
|
<p>Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one
|
|
last </p>
|
|
<p>attempt to save his name.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Are we almost there?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Just keep breathing, okay.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (deep breaths) Okay, okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Now's not the best time, George!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy...</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: (firm) George! She's in labour!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (angry shout) So am I!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's </p>
|
|
<p>arbitration.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still
|
|
a promise? Hmm?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for </p>
|
|
<p>compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to
|
|
some assurance </p>
|
|
<p>Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Not for any man...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>as she can while only being able to look upwards.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the </p>
|
|
<p>bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the bike, looking worried.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>in half.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still </p>
|
|
<p>hurting me,</p>
|
|
<p>and now you have the bike?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>goes.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Christie's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Christie leads Jerry into her home.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Here we are.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Well, I guess I'll go change.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes, change. By all means, change.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits </p>
|
|
<p>down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small
|
|
framed </p>
|
|
<p>picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same
|
|
black and </p>
|
|
<p>White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading
|
|
a date </p>
|
|
<p>written on the photo.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>She never</p>
|
|
<p>changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>dresses.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry gets up from his seat.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting </p>
|
|
<p>about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking
|
|
indignant </p>
|
|
<p>at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Ahem! Are you looking for something?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What're you doing? I thought you were changing.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to </p>
|
|
<p>bed.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out </p>
|
|
<p>together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same
|
|
clothes. You'll </p>
|
|
<p>of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (gesturing) Get out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>on him.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>lay it out on the bed.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Hospital]</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her</p>
|
|
<p>breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also </p>
|
|
<p>hustles along the corridor with the group.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It </p>
|
|
<p>would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every
|
|
now and then!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (shouts) I'm having a baby!!</p>
|
|
<p>The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>room. Ken turns to face George.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!!</p>
|
|
<p>Ken strides into the delivery room.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (desperate) Please! I have so little!</p>
|
|
<p>George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.</p>
|
|
<p>ORDERLY: Sorry sir, it's family only.</p>
|
|
<p>The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The window.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin!</p>
|
|
<p>George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying
|
|
as </p>
|
|
<p>He screams.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Seven!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the </p>
|
|
<p>kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again?</p>
|
|
<p>(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on
|
|
one, you can </p>
|
|
<p>bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on
|
|
me. </p>
|
|
<p>(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a look.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (does a double take) Yikes.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know. Pretty steep.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I don't have this kind of cash.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Few do.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm good for it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...the food court is closed.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>minutes. And, don't eat any more.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves at a run.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Street]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, that's my bike!</p>
|
|
<p>Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>for all he's worth. He rings the bell.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Gangway!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is my bike!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to
|
|
make </p>
|
|
<p>some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,
|
|
heavy duty </p>
|
|
<p>shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman begins to ride away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>gimme...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Hey!! Help me!</p>
|
|
<p>The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a </p>
|
|
<p>determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.</p>
|
|
<p>[End]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>7.13 "The Seven"</p>
|
|
<p>Episode Number: 123</p>
|
|
<p>Original Air Date: February 01, 1996</p>
|
|
<p>Written by: Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer</p>
|
|
<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
|
|
<p>Guest Cast:</p>
|
|
<p>Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken)</p>
|
|
<p>Shannon Holt (Carrie)</p>
|
|
<p>Lisa Deanne (Christie)</p>
|
|
<p>Charles Emmett (Orderly)</p>
|
|
<p>David Richards (Maitre d')</p>
|
|
<p>Matthew McCurley (Kid)</p>
|
|
<p>Josh Abramson (Man #1)</p>
|
|
<p>Steve Artiaga (Man #2)</p>
|
|
<p>Cheryl Hunter (Woman)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Nightclub]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's standup piece.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I love it when people are complimented on something they're </p>
|
|
<p>wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice
|
|
tie." "Well, </p>
|
|
<p>thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie,
|
|
it's not for </p>
|
|
<p>you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments
|
|
for </p>
|
|
<p>us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human </p>
|
|
<p>qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are,
|
|
nobody's gonna come </p>
|
|
<p>Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and
|
|
just try and </p>
|
|
<p>match the colours up.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Antique Toy Store]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. </p>
|
|
<p>They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets,
|
|
etc.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (awed) Oh, look at this!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.</p>
|
|
<p>Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned </p>
|
|
<p>girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the
|
|
front.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive </p>
|
|
<p>woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on
|
|
the chest </p>
|
|
<p>and arms.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's </p>
|
|
<p>model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she
|
|
notices </p>
|
|
<p>and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to
|
|
Elaine's </p>
|
|
<p>voice.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you think?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: I think your friend needs some help over there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much
|
|
and she </p>
|
|
<p>falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning
|
|
her </p>
|
|
<p>down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she
|
|
rings </p>
|
|
<p>the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from
|
|
Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is </p>
|
|
<p>Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: A little baby girl?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Doctor says it could be any day now.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are </p>
|
|
<p>cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right?
|
|
So what </p>
|
|
<p>does that make me?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Doesn't make you anything.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.</p>
|
|
<p>George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie look perturbed.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: So, have you picked out a name yet?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Aww.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (negative) Hu-ho, boy.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: You don't like Kimberley?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ech. What else you got?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: How about Joan?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (warning) George!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Pamela?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Yeah, but uh... Soda?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, that's right. It's working.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: We'll put it on the list.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I solve problems. That's just what I do.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated
|
|
by the way </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're really going to town with that turkey there.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's on the door.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, 's no good.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the
|
|
mouthful he's </p>
|
|
<p>taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No. That's bush league.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer heads toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? </p>
|
|
<p>That's like half a pound of turkey!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without </p>
|
|
<p>Dijon.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your</p>
|
|
<p>favourites on hand.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>with our arrangement?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What arrangement?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and I will.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's </p>
|
|
<p>Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey. What's with your neck?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. </p>
|
|
<p>(pointedly) By myself.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ach, maybe.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>hell up?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Awright.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>to the first person who could make this pain go away.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Aw, you really hurting, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, lean forward, relax.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (worried) What? What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Encounter shiatsu.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ah hah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (seriously worried) Wha...?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: He's a genius. Here we go...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: From pain, will come pleasure.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud </p>
|
|
<p>Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her
|
|
head and </p>
|
|
<p>steps away, job done.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh? Voila.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's even more amazing is his formal training is in </p>
|
|
<p>paediatrics.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Awright, my work is done here.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer heads for the door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>anyone who fixes your neck.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You really think he wants the bike?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It took him like ten seconds!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[George's Car]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>smiling and whistling.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I think they really went for that Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring </p>
|
|
<p>you.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: What is that? Sign language?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Seven Costanza? You're serious?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...</p>
|
|
<p>Susan scoffs.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What, you don't like the name?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: It's not a name. It's a number.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: It's awful. I hate it!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (angry) Well, that's the name!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>be named Seven!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all </p>
|
|
<p>crazy on me!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>about his contretemps with Susan.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of </p>
|
|
<p>school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>than Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug </p>
|
|
<p>Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Pretty name for a girl.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, you having a good time there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>array of good within.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? </p>
|
|
<p>Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry. I had this name for a long time.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I forgot to call Christie.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop </p>
|
|
<p>neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (smug) I'm not engaged.</p>
|
|
<p>George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small </p>
|
|
<p>goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, I got it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Got what?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. </p>
|
|
<p>Refrigerator problem, is solved.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>want.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And
|
|
then I </p>
|
|
<p>put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it
|
|
into the </p>
|
|
<p>bowl) There. Very simple.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sort of a mooching inventory.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>all up, and you give me the bill.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?</p>
|
|
<p>George passes by as he goes to the fridge.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>at our word, all is lost.</p>
|
|
<p>George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer </p>
|
|
<p>hears the hiss, and notices George.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Fastened to the collar.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>best in the city.</p>
|
|
<p>A member of staff approaches.</p>
|
|
<p>MAITRE D': May I take your coat, miss?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Yes, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store.
|
|
Jerry </p>
|
|
<p>looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Monks']</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Fingers his chin thoughtfully.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The same outfit?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The exact same outfit.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How many days was it between encounters.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Three.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new </p>
|
|
<p>wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything
|
|
got </p>
|
|
<p>clean and she started all over again.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the end of the cycle?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Very curious.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Indeed.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't </p>
|
|
<p>Destroy someone else's.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How about 'Mickey'?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!</p>
|
|
<p>George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cigar in his mouth.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>fridge?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, that's yours. My half is gone.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your </p>
|
|
<p>beef?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You cannot buy half a can of soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, why not.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>for this, okay...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hold up a half banana.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...You bite it, you bought it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even </p>
|
|
<p>know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>saying,</p>
|
|
<p>you're hungry enough to eat a horse.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time.
|
|
He </p>
|
|
<p>gets it from his butcher.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>have the bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George,
|
|
yeah, I </p>
|
|
<p>can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer holds one hand up above his head.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I always put you up here...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He </p>
|
|
<p>leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her
|
|
conscience. There </p>
|
|
<p>is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head,</p>
|
|
<p>expectantly.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (grudging) Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (points) Digidi.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves and closes the door again.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan are having dinner.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>them the name, they just loved it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, what're you saying?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: They're gonna name their baby Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I made it up!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I can't believe that they're using it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>all its cachet!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the </p>
|
|
<p>yin-yang!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses
|
|
her </p>
|
|
<p>face.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Street]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>other way gives her a warning.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Watch your step.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Excuse me. Elaine?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and neck.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, </p>
|
|
<p>right?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd07 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Yes. How y'doing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (bearing up) I'm fine.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie walks away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE 1 (O.C.): Lookin' good.</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE 2 (O.C.): Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You got that right!</p>
|
|
<p>A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.</p>
|
|
<p>KID: (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (shouting) Kramer! Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Outside Apartment Building]</p>
|
|
<p>George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular </p>
|
|
<p>apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN (O.C.): Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (O.C.): (angry shout) Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Kramer!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Haven't seen him. How's the neck?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>before.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she </p>
|
|
<p>moves.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the </p>
|
|
<p>antique store. What's her name, Christie?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You saw her? What was she wearing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>my neck.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you care?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.</p>
|
|
<p>There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch,
|
|
past the </p>
|
|
<p>TV and is heading for the door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Did you have a nice ride?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, great ride.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides </p>
|
|
<p>straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes
|
|
his </p>
|
|
<p>stumbling way upright again.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What're you talking about?! We had a deal!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck)
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>week.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What? You never told me that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's common sense.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should </p>
|
|
<p>settle this.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but</p>
|
|
<p>unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting </p>
|
|
<p>involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, I'm down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone
|
|
whose </p>
|
|
<p>heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>any kind.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give
|
|
an </p>
|
|
<p>Impression of limitless wisdom.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, that's the situation.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only
|
|
one </p>
|
|
<p>rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe
|
|
the law is </p>
|
|
<p>all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the
|
|
savages </p>
|
|
<p>who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing
|
|
parcels </p>
|
|
<p>into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Newman!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision,
|
|
no </p>
|
|
<p>Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Alright, let's begin.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single </p>
|
|
<p>'ting' of a microwave.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Ken and Carrie's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is </p>
|
|
<p>explaining about Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Why can't we use Seven?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>waffle!</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>It's very unusual.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You don't care for Soda?!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's </p>
|
|
<p>refreshing!</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie jumps and gives a cry.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Oh!</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I felt something.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Are you okay, honey?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I think I'm going into labour.</p>
|
|
<p>George flashes a panicked expression.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the </p>
|
|
<p>hospital...</p>
|
|
<p>Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here.</p>
|
|
<p>Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. </p>
|
|
<p>George trails along behind them, making suggestions.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What about Six?</p>
|
|
<p>Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.</p>
|
|
<p>Ken has left, George follows out the door.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!</p>
|
|
<p>George closes the door behind him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie
|
|
is </p>
|
|
<p>wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: I know exactly what you mean.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I'm sure you do.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews </p>
|
|
<p>thoughtfully.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these,
|
|
like </p>
|
|
<p>Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the </p>
|
|
<p>shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (horrified) Oh my god!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>you can do.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>back to my apartment, so I can change?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Ken and Carrie's Car]</p>
|
|
<p>Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one
|
|
last </p>
|
|
<p>attempt to save his name.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Are we almost there?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Just keep breathing, okay.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd08 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (deep breaths) Okay, okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Now's not the best time, George!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy...</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: (firm) George! She's in labour!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (angry shout) So am I!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's </p>
|
|
<p>arbitration.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still
|
|
a promise? Hmm?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for </p>
|
|
<p>compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to
|
|
some assurance </p>
|
|
<p>Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Not for any man...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>as she can while only being able to look upwards.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the </p>
|
|
<p>bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the bike, looking worried.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>in half.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still </p>
|
|
<p>hurting me,</p>
|
|
<p>and now you have the bike?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>goes.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Christie's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Christie leads Jerry into her home.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Here we are.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Well, I guess I'll go change.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes, change. By all means, change.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits </p>
|
|
<p>down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small
|
|
framed </p>
|
|
<p>picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same
|
|
black and </p>
|
|
<p>White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading
|
|
a date </p>
|
|
<p>written on the photo.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>She never</p>
|
|
<p>changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>dresses.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry gets up from his seat.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting </p>
|
|
<p>about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking
|
|
indignant </p>
|
|
<p>at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Ahem! Are you looking for something?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What're you doing? I thought you were changing.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to </p>
|
|
<p>bed.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out </p>
|
|
<p>together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same
|
|
clothes. You'll </p>
|
|
<p>of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (gesturing) Get out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>on him.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>lay it out on the bed.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Hospital]</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her</p>
|
|
<p>breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also </p>
|
|
<p>hustles along the corridor with the group.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It </p>
|
|
<p>would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every
|
|
now and then!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (shouts) I'm having a baby!!</p>
|
|
<p>The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>room. Ken turns to face George.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!!</p>
|
|
<p>Ken strides into the delivery room.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (desperate) Please! I have so little!</p>
|
|
<p>George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.</p>
|
|
<p>ORDERLY: Sorry sir, it's family only.</p>
|
|
<p>The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The window.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin!</p>
|
|
<p>George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying
|
|
as </p>
|
|
<p>He screams.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Seven!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the </p>
|
|
<p>kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again?</p>
|
|
<p>(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on
|
|
one, you can </p>
|
|
<p>bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on
|
|
me. </p>
|
|
<p>(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a look.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (does a double take) Yikes.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know. Pretty steep.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I don't have this kind of cash.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Few do.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm good for it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...the food court is closed.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>minutes. And, don't eat any more.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves at a run.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Street]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, that's my bike!</p>
|
|
<p>Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>for all he's worth. He rings the bell.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Gangway!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is my bike!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to
|
|
make </p>
|
|
<p>some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,
|
|
heavy duty </p>
|
|
<p>shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman begins to ride away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>gimme...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Hey!! Help me!</p>
|
|
<p>The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a </p>
|
|
<p>determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.</p>
|
|
<p>[End]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>7.13 "The Seven"</p>
|
|
<p>Episode Number: 123</p>
|
|
<p>Original Air Date: February 01, 1996</p>
|
|
<p>Written by: Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer</p>
|
|
<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
|
|
<p>Guest Cast:</p>
|
|
<p>Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken)</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd09 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Shannon Holt (Carrie)</p>
|
|
<p>Lisa Deanne (Christie)</p>
|
|
<p>Charles Emmett (Orderly)</p>
|
|
<p>David Richards (Maitre d')</p>
|
|
<p>Matthew McCurley (Kid)</p>
|
|
<p>Josh Abramson (Man #1)</p>
|
|
<p>Steve Artiaga (Man #2)</p>
|
|
<p>Cheryl Hunter (Woman)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Nightclub]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's standup piece.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I love it when people are complimented on something they're </p>
|
|
<p>wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice
|
|
tie." "Well, </p>
|
|
<p>thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie,
|
|
it's not for </p>
|
|
<p>you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments
|
|
for </p>
|
|
<p>us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human </p>
|
|
<p>qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are,
|
|
nobody's gonna come </p>
|
|
<p>Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and
|
|
just try and </p>
|
|
<p>match the colours up.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Antique Toy Store]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. </p>
|
|
<p>They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets,
|
|
etc.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (awed) Oh, look at this!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.</p>
|
|
<p>Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned </p>
|
|
<p>girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the
|
|
front.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive </p>
|
|
<p>woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on
|
|
the chest </p>
|
|
<p>and arms.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's </p>
|
|
<p>model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she
|
|
notices </p>
|
|
<p>and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to
|
|
Elaine's </p>
|
|
<p>voice.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you think?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: I think your friend needs some help over there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much
|
|
and she </p>
|
|
<p>falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning
|
|
her </p>
|
|
<p>down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she
|
|
rings </p>
|
|
<p>the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from
|
|
Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is </p>
|
|
<p>Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: A little baby girl?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Doctor says it could be any day now.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are </p>
|
|
<p>cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right?
|
|
So what </p>
|
|
<p>does that make me?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Doesn't make you anything.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.</p>
|
|
<p>George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie look perturbed.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: So, have you picked out a name yet?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Aww.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (negative) Hu-ho, boy.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: You don't like Kimberley?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ech. What else you got?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: How about Joan?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (warning) George!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Pamela?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Yeah, but uh... Soda?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, that's right. It's working.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: We'll put it on the list.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I solve problems. That's just what I do.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated
|
|
by the way </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're really going to town with that turkey there.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's on the door.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, 's no good.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the
|
|
mouthful he's </p>
|
|
<p>taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No. That's bush league.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer heads toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? </p>
|
|
<p>That's like half a pound of turkey!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without </p>
|
|
<p>Dijon.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your</p>
|
|
<p>favourites on hand.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>with our arrangement?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What arrangement?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and I will.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's </p>
|
|
<p>Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey. What's with your neck?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. </p>
|
|
<p>(pointedly) By myself.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ach, maybe.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>hell up?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Awright.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>to the first person who could make this pain go away.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Aw, you really hurting, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, lean forward, relax.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (worried) What? What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Encounter shiatsu.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ah hah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (seriously worried) Wha...?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: He's a genius. Here we go...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: From pain, will come pleasure.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud </p>
|
|
<p>Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her
|
|
<!-- BeginAd10 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
head and </p>
|
|
<p>steps away, job done.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh? Voila.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's even more amazing is his formal training is in </p>
|
|
<p>paediatrics.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Awright, my work is done here.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer heads for the door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>anyone who fixes your neck.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You really think he wants the bike?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It took him like ten seconds!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[George's Car]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>smiling and whistling.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I think they really went for that Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring </p>
|
|
<p>you.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: What is that? Sign language?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Seven Costanza? You're serious?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...</p>
|
|
<p>Susan scoffs.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What, you don't like the name?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: It's not a name. It's a number.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: It's awful. I hate it!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (angry) Well, that's the name!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>be named Seven!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all </p>
|
|
<p>crazy on me!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>about his contretemps with Susan.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of </p>
|
|
<p>school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>than Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug </p>
|
|
<p>Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Pretty name for a girl.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, you having a good time there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>array of good within.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? </p>
|
|
<p>Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry. I had this name for a long time.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I forgot to call Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop </p>
|
|
<p>neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (smug) I'm not engaged.</p>
|
|
<p>George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small </p>
|
|
<p>goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, I got it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Got what?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. </p>
|
|
<p>Refrigerator problem, is solved.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>want.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And
|
|
then I </p>
|
|
<p>put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it
|
|
into the </p>
|
|
<p>bowl) There. Very simple.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sort of a mooching inventory.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>all up, and you give me the bill.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?</p>
|
|
<p>George passes by as he goes to the fridge.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>at our word, all is lost.</p>
|
|
<p>George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer </p>
|
|
<p>hears the hiss, and notices George.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Fastened to the collar.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>best in the city.</p>
|
|
<p>A member of staff approaches.</p>
|
|
<p>MAITRE D': May I take your coat, miss?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Yes, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store.
|
|
Jerry </p>
|
|
<p>looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Monks']</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Fingers his chin thoughtfully.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The same outfit?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The exact same outfit.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How many days was it between encounters.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Three.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new </p>
|
|
<p>wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything
|
|
got </p>
|
|
<p>clean and she started all over again.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the end of the cycle?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Very curious.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Indeed.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't </p>
|
|
<p>Destroy someone else's.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How about 'Mickey'?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!</p>
|
|
<p>George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cigar in his mouth.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>fridge?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, that's yours. My half is gone.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your </p>
|
|
<p>beef?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You cannot buy half a can of soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, why not.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>for this, okay...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hold up a half banana.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...You bite it, you bought it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd11 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even </p>
|
|
<p>know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>saying,</p>
|
|
<p>you're hungry enough to eat a horse.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time.
|
|
He </p>
|
|
<p>gets it from his butcher.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>have the bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George,
|
|
yeah, I </p>
|
|
<p>can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer holds one hand up above his head.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I always put you up here...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He </p>
|
|
<p>leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her
|
|
conscience. There </p>
|
|
<p>is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head,</p>
|
|
<p>expectantly.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (grudging) Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (points) Digidi.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves and closes the door again.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan are having dinner.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>them the name, they just loved it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, what're you saying?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: They're gonna name their baby Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I made it up!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I can't believe that they're using it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>all its cachet!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the </p>
|
|
<p>yin-yang!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses
|
|
her </p>
|
|
<p>face.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Street]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>other way gives her a warning.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Watch your step.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Excuse me. Elaine?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and neck.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, </p>
|
|
<p>right?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Yes. How y'doing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (bearing up) I'm fine.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie walks away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE 1 (O.C.): Lookin' good.</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE 2 (O.C.): Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You got that right!</p>
|
|
<p>A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.</p>
|
|
<p>KID: (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (shouting) Kramer! Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Outside Apartment Building]</p>
|
|
<p>George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular </p>
|
|
<p>apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN (O.C.): Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (O.C.): (angry shout) Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Kramer!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Haven't seen him. How's the neck?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>before.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she </p>
|
|
<p>moves.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the </p>
|
|
<p>antique store. What's her name, Christie?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You saw her? What was she wearing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>my neck.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you care?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.</p>
|
|
<p>There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch,
|
|
past the </p>
|
|
<p>TV and is heading for the door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Did you have a nice ride?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, great ride.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides </p>
|
|
<p>straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes
|
|
his </p>
|
|
<p>stumbling way upright again.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What're you talking about?! We had a deal!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck)
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>week.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What? You never told me that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's common sense.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should </p>
|
|
<p>settle this.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but</p>
|
|
<p>unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting </p>
|
|
<p>involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, I'm down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone
|
|
whose </p>
|
|
<p>heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>any kind.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give
|
|
an </p>
|
|
<p>Impression of limitless wisdom.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, that's the situation.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only
|
|
one </p>
|
|
<p>rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe
|
|
the law is </p>
|
|
<p>all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the
|
|
savages </p>
|
|
<p>who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing
|
|
parcels </p>
|
|
<p>into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Newman!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision,
|
|
no </p>
|
|
<p>Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Alright, let's begin.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd12 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single </p>
|
|
<p>'ting' of a microwave.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Ken and Carrie's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is </p>
|
|
<p>explaining about Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Why can't we use Seven?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>waffle!</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>It's very unusual.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You don't care for Soda?!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's </p>
|
|
<p>refreshing!</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie jumps and gives a cry.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Oh!</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I felt something.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Are you okay, honey?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I think I'm going into labour.</p>
|
|
<p>George flashes a panicked expression.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the </p>
|
|
<p>hospital...</p>
|
|
<p>Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here.</p>
|
|
<p>Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. </p>
|
|
<p>George trails along behind them, making suggestions.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What about Six?</p>
|
|
<p>Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.</p>
|
|
<p>Ken has left, George follows out the door.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!</p>
|
|
<p>George closes the door behind him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie
|
|
is </p>
|
|
<p>wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: I know exactly what you mean.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I'm sure you do.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews </p>
|
|
<p>thoughtfully.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these,
|
|
like </p>
|
|
<p>Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the </p>
|
|
<p>shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (horrified) Oh my god!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>you can do.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>back to my apartment, so I can change?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Ken and Carrie's Car]</p>
|
|
<p>Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one
|
|
last </p>
|
|
<p>attempt to save his name.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Are we almost there?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Just keep breathing, okay.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (deep breaths) Okay, okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Now's not the best time, George!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy...</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: (firm) George! She's in labour!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (angry shout) So am I!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's </p>
|
|
<p>arbitration.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still
|
|
a promise? Hmm?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for </p>
|
|
<p>compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to
|
|
some assurance </p>
|
|
<p>Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Not for any man...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>as she can while only being able to look upwards.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the </p>
|
|
<p>bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the bike, looking worried.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>in half.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still </p>
|
|
<p>hurting me,</p>
|
|
<p>and now you have the bike?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>goes.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Christie's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Christie leads Jerry into her home.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Here we are.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Well, I guess I'll go change.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes, change. By all means, change.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits </p>
|
|
<p>down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small
|
|
framed </p>
|
|
<p>picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same
|
|
black and </p>
|
|
<p>White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading
|
|
a date </p>
|
|
<p>written on the photo.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>She never</p>
|
|
<p>changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>dresses.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry gets up from his seat.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting </p>
|
|
<p>about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking
|
|
indignant </p>
|
|
<p>at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Ahem! Are you looking for something?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What're you doing? I thought you were changing.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to </p>
|
|
<p>bed.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out </p>
|
|
<p>together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same
|
|
clothes. You'll </p>
|
|
<p>of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (gesturing) Get out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>on him.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>lay it out on the bed.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Hospital]</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her</p>
|
|
<p>breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also </p>
|
|
<p>hustles along the corridor with the group.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It </p>
|
|
<p>would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every
|
|
<!-- BeginAd13 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
now and then!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (shouts) I'm having a baby!!</p>
|
|
<p>The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>room. Ken turns to face George.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!!</p>
|
|
<p>Ken strides into the delivery room.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (desperate) Please! I have so little!</p>
|
|
<p>George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.</p>
|
|
<p>ORDERLY: Sorry sir, it's family only.</p>
|
|
<p>The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The window.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin!</p>
|
|
<p>George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying
|
|
as </p>
|
|
<p>He screams.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Seven!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the </p>
|
|
<p>kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again?</p>
|
|
<p>(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on
|
|
one, you can </p>
|
|
<p>bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on
|
|
me. </p>
|
|
<p>(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a look.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (does a double take) Yikes.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know. Pretty steep.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I don't have this kind of cash.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Few do.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm good for it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...the food court is closed.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>minutes. And, don't eat any more.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves at a run.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Street]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, that's my bike!</p>
|
|
<p>Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>for all he's worth. He rings the bell.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Gangway!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is my bike!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to
|
|
make </p>
|
|
<p>some minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,
|
|
heavy duty </p>
|
|
<p>shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman begins to ride away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>gimme...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Hey!! Help me!</p>
|
|
<p>The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a </p>
|
|
<p>determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.</p>
|
|
<p>[End], </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>7.13 "The Seven"</p>
|
|
<p>Episode Number: 123</p>
|
|
<p>Original Air Date: February 01, 1996</p>
|
|
<p>Written by: Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer</p>
|
|
<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
|
|
<p>Guest Cast:</p>
|
|
<p>Ken Hudson Campbell (Ken)</p>
|
|
<p>Shannon Holt (Carrie)</p>
|
|
<p>Lisa Deanne (Christie)</p>
|
|
<p>Charles Emmett (Orderly)</p>
|
|
<p>David Richards (Maitre d')</p>
|
|
<p>Matthew McCurley (Kid)</p>
|
|
<p>Josh Abramson (Man #1)</p>
|
|
<p>Steve Artiaga (Man #2)</p>
|
|
<p>Cheryl Hunter (Woman)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Nightclub]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's standup piece.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I love it when people are complimented on something they're </p>
|
|
<p>wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice
|
|
tie." "Well, </p>
|
|
<p>thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie,
|
|
it's not for </p>
|
|
<p>you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments
|
|
for </p>
|
|
<p>us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human </p>
|
|
<p>qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are,
|
|
nobody's gonna come </p>
|
|
<p>Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and
|
|
just try and </p>
|
|
<p>match the colours up.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Antique Toy Store]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear. </p>
|
|
<p>They look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats, puppets,
|
|
etc.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (awed) Oh, look at this!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.</p>
|
|
<p>Something on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned </p>
|
|
<p>girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket on the
|
|
front.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive </p>
|
|
<p>woman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing a dress
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>mid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and white on
|
|
the chest </p>
|
|
<p>and arms.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's </p>
|
|
<p>model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the store,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she goes, she
|
|
notices </p>
|
|
<p>and smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious to
|
|
Elaine's </p>
|
|
<p>voice.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you think?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: I think your friend needs some help over there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the bike off
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves too much
|
|
and she </p>
|
|
<p>falls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the bike pinning
|
|
her </p>
|
|
<p>down. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression, so she
|
|
rings </p>
|
|
<p>the bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away from
|
|
Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie is </p>
|
|
<p>Heavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: A little baby girl?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Doctor says it could be any day now.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are </p>
|
|
<p>cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right?
|
|
So what </p>
|
|
<p>does that make me?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Doesn't make you anything.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.</p>
|
|
<p>George laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth. Ken and
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie look perturbed.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: So, have you picked out a name yet?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Aww.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (negative) Hu-ho, boy.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: You don't like Kimberley?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ech. What else you got?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: How about Joan?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (warning) George!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Pamela?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Yeah, but uh... Soda?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, that's right. It's working.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: We'll put it on the list.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I solve problems. That's just what I do.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is building
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>A sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles sliced
|
|
<!-- BeginAd14 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>meat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated
|
|
by the way </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer's demolishing his food stocks.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're really going to town with that turkey there.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's on the door.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, 's no good.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread on,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits out the
|
|
mouthful he's </p>
|
|
<p>taken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next to it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No. That's bush league.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer heads toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? </p>
|
|
<p>That's like half a pound of turkey!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without </p>
|
|
<p>Dijon.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your</p>
|
|
<p>favourites on hand.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>with our arrangement?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What arrangement?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and I will.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and she's </p>
|
|
<p>Moving carefully, like it's giving her pain.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey. What's with your neck?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. </p>
|
|
<p>(pointedly) By myself.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ach, maybe.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>hell up?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Awright.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>to the first person who could make this pain go away.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Aw, you really hurting, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for her neck.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, lean forward, relax.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (worried) What? What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Encounter shiatsu.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ah hah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (seriously worried) Wha...?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: He's a genius. Here we go...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine looks
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Really worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the arm of
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>couch, and her feet stamp on the floor.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: From pain, will come pleasure.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a loud </p>
|
|
<p>Crunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go of her
|
|
head and </p>
|
|
<p>steps away, job done.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh? Voila.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's even more amazing is his formal training is in </p>
|
|
<p>paediatrics.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Awright, my work is done here.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer heads for the door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>anyone who fixes your neck.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You really think he wants the bike?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It took him like ten seconds!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[George's Car]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is happy,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>smiling and whistling.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I think they really went for that Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring </p>
|
|
<p>you.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: What is that? Sign language?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Seven Costanza? You're serious?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...</p>
|
|
<p>Susan scoffs.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What, you don't like the name?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: It's not a name. It's a number.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: It's awful. I hate it!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (angry) Well, that's the name!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>be named Seven!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all </p>
|
|
<p>crazy on me!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just told him
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>about his contretemps with Susan.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of </p>
|
|
<p>school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>than Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug </p>
|
|
<p>Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Pretty name for a girl.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, you having a good time there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>array of good within.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? </p>
|
|
<p>Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry. I had this name for a long time.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I forgot to call Christie.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop </p>
|
|
<p>neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (smug) I'm not engaged.</p>
|
|
<p>George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small </p>
|
|
<p>goldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, I got it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Got what?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. </p>
|
|
<p>Refrigerator problem, is solved.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>want.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And
|
|
then I </p>
|
|
<p>put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it
|
|
into the </p>
|
|
<p>bowl) There. Very simple.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sort of a mooching inventory.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>all up, and you give me the bill.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd15 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>George passes by as he goes to the fridge.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>at our word, all is lost.</p>
|
|
<p>George has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it. Kramer </p>
|
|
<p>hears the hiss, and notices George.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long coats,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Fastened to the collar.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>best in the city.</p>
|
|
<p>A member of staff approaches.</p>
|
|
<p>MAITRE D': May I take your coat, miss?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Yes, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>The Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing that
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>she has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique store.
|
|
Jerry </p>
|
|
<p>looks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks at him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Monks']</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night. George
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Fingers his chin thoughtfully.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The same outfit?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The exact same outfit.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How many days was it between encounters.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Three.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new </p>
|
|
<p>wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything
|
|
got </p>
|
|
<p>clean and she started all over again.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the end of the cycle?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Very curious.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Indeed.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't </p>
|
|
<p>Destroy someone else's.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How about 'Mickey'?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!</p>
|
|
<p>George walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet, and a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cigar in his mouth.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>fridge?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, that's yours. My half is gone.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your </p>
|
|
<p>beef?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You cannot buy half a can of soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, why not.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>for this, okay...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large bite.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hold up a half banana.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...You bite it, you bought it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even </p>
|
|
<p>know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>saying,</p>
|
|
<p>you're hungry enough to eat a horse.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time.
|
|
He </p>
|
|
<p>gets it from his butcher.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>have the bike.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George,
|
|
yeah, I </p>
|
|
<p>can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer holds one hand up above his head.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I always put you up here...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer holds his other hand at about knee height.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second. He </p>
|
|
<p>leaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with her
|
|
conscience. There </p>
|
|
<p>is a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes in his head,</p>
|
|
<p>expectantly.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (grudging) Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (points) Digidi.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves and closes the door again.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Susan are having dinner.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>them the name, they just loved it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, what're you saying?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: They're gonna name their baby Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I made it up!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I can't believe that they're using it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>all its cachet!</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the </p>
|
|
<p>yin-yang!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises herself
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>from the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of agony crosses
|
|
her </p>
|
|
<p>face.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Street]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has her head
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Tipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A guy coming
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>other way gives her a warning.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Watch your step.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field of vision.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Excuse me. Elaine?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Christie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her head
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and neck.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, </p>
|
|
<p>right?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Yes. How y'doing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (bearing up) I'm fine.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie walks away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and ringing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE 1 (O.C.): Lookin' good.</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE 2 (O.C.): Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You got that right!</p>
|
|
<p>A kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.</p>
|
|
<p>KID: (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (shouting) Kramer! Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Outside Apartment Building]</p>
|
|
<p>George walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular </p>
|
|
<p>apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN (O.C.): Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (O.C.): (angry shout) Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at Kramer's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Kramer!!</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd16 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Haven't seen him. How's the neck?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>before.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as she </p>
|
|
<p>moves.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the </p>
|
|
<p>antique store. What's her name, Christie?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You saw her? What was she wearing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>my neck.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What d'you care?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.</p>
|
|
<p>There's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it into </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the couch,
|
|
past the </p>
|
|
<p>TV and is heading for the door.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Did you have a nice ride?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, great ride.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides </p>
|
|
<p>straight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground, then makes
|
|
his </p>
|
|
<p>stumbling way upright again.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What're you talking about?! We had a deal!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck)
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>week.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What? You never told me that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's common sense.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should </p>
|
|
<p>settle this.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but</p>
|
|
<p>unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting </p>
|
|
<p>involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, I'm down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone
|
|
whose </p>
|
|
<p>heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>any kind.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head tilted
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>back. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying to give
|
|
an </p>
|
|
<p>Impression of limitless wisdom.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, that's the situation.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only
|
|
one </p>
|
|
<p>rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe
|
|
the law is </p>
|
|
<p>all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the
|
|
savages </p>
|
|
<p>who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing
|
|
parcels </p>
|
|
<p>into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Newman!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision,
|
|
no </p>
|
|
<p>Matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Alright, let's begin.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single </p>
|
|
<p>'ting' of a microwave.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Ken and Carrie's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is </p>
|
|
<p>explaining about Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Why can't we use Seven?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>waffle!</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>It's very unusual.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You don't care for Soda?!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's </p>
|
|
<p>refreshing!</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie jumps and gives a cry.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Oh!</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I felt something.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Are you okay, honey?</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: I think I'm going into labour.</p>
|
|
<p>George flashes a panicked expression.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the </p>
|
|
<p>hospital...</p>
|
|
<p>Ken and Carrie rise and head toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here.</p>
|
|
<p>Ken grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly. </p>
|
|
<p>George trails along behind them, making suggestions.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What about Six?</p>
|
|
<p>Ken gives him a look over his shoulder.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.</p>
|
|
<p>Ken has left, George follows out the door.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!</p>
|
|
<p>George closes the door behind him.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while Jerry
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>leans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact that Christie
|
|
is </p>
|
|
<p>wearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous meetings.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: I know exactly what you mean.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I'm sure you do.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews </p>
|
|
<p>thoughtfully.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these,
|
|
like </p>
|
|
<p>Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing the </p>
|
|
<p>shaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (horrified) Oh my god!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only so much
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>you can do.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>back to my apartment, so I can change?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Ken and Carrie's Car]</p>
|
|
<p>Ken is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up as you'd
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>expect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making one
|
|
last </p>
|
|
<p>attempt to save his name.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: Are we almost there?</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Just keep breathing, okay.</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (deep breaths) Okay, okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.</p>
|
|
<p>As George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Now's not the best time, George!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy...</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: (firm) George! She's in labour!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (angry shout) So am I!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's </p>
|
|
<p>arbitration.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still
|
|
a promise? Hmm?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for </p>
|
|
<p>compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to
|
|
some assurance </p>
|
|
<p>Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Not for any man...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>as she can while only being able to look upwards.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the </p>
|
|
<p>bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd17 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the bike, looking worried.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>in half.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still </p>
|
|
<p>hurting me,</p>
|
|
<p>and now you have the bike?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>goes.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Christie's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Christie leads Jerry into her home.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Here we are.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Well, I guess I'll go change.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes, change. By all means, change.</p>
|
|
<p>Christie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and sits </p>
|
|
<p>down. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices a small
|
|
framed </p>
|
|
<p>picture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing the same
|
|
black and </p>
|
|
<p>White dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely, reading
|
|
a date </p>
|
|
<p>written on the photo.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>She never</p>
|
|
<p>changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>dresses.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry gets up from his seat.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (V.O.): There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting </p>
|
|
<p>about in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and looking
|
|
indignant </p>
|
|
<p>at discovering Jerry invading her privacy.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: Ahem! Are you looking for something?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What're you doing? I thought you were changing.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to </p>
|
|
<p>bed.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out </p>
|
|
<p>together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same
|
|
clothes. You'll </p>
|
|
<p>of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll
|
|
go </p>
|
|
<p>downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?</p>
|
|
<p>CHRISTIE: (gesturing) Get out.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes it
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>on him.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>lay it out on the bed.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Hospital]</p>
|
|
<p>Carrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's doing her</p>
|
|
<p>breathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George also </p>
|
|
<p>hustles along the corridor with the group.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It </p>
|
|
<p>would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every
|
|
now and then!</p>
|
|
<p>CARRIE: (shouts) I'm having a baby!!</p>
|
|
<p>The orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the delivery
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>room. Ken turns to face George.</p>
|
|
<p>KEN: George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!!</p>
|
|
<p>Ken strides into the delivery room.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (desperate) Please! I have so little!</p>
|
|
<p>George tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.</p>
|
|
<p>ORDERLY: Sorry sir, it's family only.</p>
|
|
<p>The orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen through
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The window.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin!</p>
|
|
<p>George thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's crying
|
|
as </p>
|
|
<p>He screams.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Seven!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal in the </p>
|
|
<p>kitchen.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again?</p>
|
|
<p>(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on
|
|
one, you can </p>
|
|
<p>bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on
|
|
me. </p>
|
|
<p>(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>Defeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>On these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer takes a look.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (does a double take) Yikes.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know. Pretty steep.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I don't have this kind of cash.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Few do.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm good for it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's hands.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...the food court is closed.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>minutes. And, don't eat any more.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves at a run.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Street]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, that's my bike!</p>
|
|
<p>Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>for all he's worth. He rings the bell.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Gangway!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is my bike!</p>
|
|
<p>Newman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to
|
|
make </p>
|
|
<p>some minor modifications, you know. Solid tires, reinforced seatpost,
|
|
heavy duty </p>
|
|
<p>shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman begins to ride away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>gimme...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Hey!! Help me!</p>
|
|
<p>The show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and a </p>
|
|
<p>determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.</p>
|
|
<p>[End]</p>
|
|
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<p
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align="center"> </p>
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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