927 lines
46 KiB
HTML
927 lines
46 KiB
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<h1>The Shower Head</h1>
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transcribed by Dave (Ratboy)</p>
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<p>Written by: Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross</p>
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<p>Episode no. 126</p>
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<p>pc: 715, season 7, episode 16</p>
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<p>Broadcast date: 15 February 1996</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>The Cast</p>
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<p>Regulars:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza</p>
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<p>Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes</p>
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<p>Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer</p>
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<p>Guest Stars:</p>
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<p>Wayne Knight..................... Newman</p>
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<p>Estelle Harris................... Estelle</p>
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<p>Jerry Stiller.................... Frank</p>
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<p>Liz Sheridan..................... Helen</p>
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<p>Barney Martin.................... Morty</p>
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<p>Len Lesser....................... Uncle Leo</p>
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<p>John O'Hurley.................... Peterman</p>
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<p>Jay Leno......................... Himself</p>
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<p>Ron West......................... Dr. Strugatz</p>
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<p>Tim deZarn....................... Salesman</p>
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<p>Michelle Bonilla................. Waitress</p>
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<p>Angelo Di Mascio Jr. ............ Man</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>No monologue.</p>
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<p>First scene.</p>
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<p>Elaine in a doctor's office.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as
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you may or may</p>
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<p>not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first
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such mission</p>
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<p>for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and
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we're gonna</p>
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<p>knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals.</p>
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<p>Doctor: I'll need a urine sample.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Right.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>George, Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.</p>
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<p>George: You know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your
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skin is gonna</p>
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<p>be simmering with boils.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh, Come on.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday?</p>
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<p>George: Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, sure. My parents will be there.</p>
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<p>Elaine: The Tonight Show?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Are you doing new material?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I don't think so.</p>
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<p>Kramer enters.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have
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they</p>
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<p>changed your shower head?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Low flow? Well I don't like the sound of that.</p>
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<p>Kramer exits.</p>
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<p>Elaine: So what are your parents doing here in new York?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment,
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my father</p>
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<p>left office in disgrace.</p>
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<p>Elaine: So what are their plans?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, this is the problem. They're moving into this new
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development. </p>
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<p>Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready
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to go back so</p>
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<p>they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.</p>
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<p>Elaine: You mean the three of them in that tiny apartment?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact,
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he moved</p>
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<p>in with her.</p>
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<p>George: Uncle Leo's having regular sex?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing.</p>
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<p>Jerry (answering phone): Hello?</p>
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<p>Morty: Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show
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on Thursday.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You gotta be there at 4:30.</p>
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<p>Morty: But it comes on 11:30.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air
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it at 11:30.</p>
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<p>Morty: How long they been doing this?</p>
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<p>Jerry: 30 years.</p>
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<p>Morty: Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?</p>
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<p>Jerry: All right, I'll see you later.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, it is.</p>
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<p>George: I mean, they're retired.</p>
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<p>Jerry: No economic reason for them to be here.</p>
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<p>George: They have no friends.</p>
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<p>Jerry: No social reason for them to be here.</p>
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<p>Elaine: You're all grown up.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, they're all through ruining my life. What the hell
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are they</p>
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<p>still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so I'll,
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uh, get back</p>
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<p>to you.</p>
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<p>George exits with the Del Boca Vista pamphlet.</p>
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<p>Jerry (answering phone again): Hello?</p>
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<p>Helen: Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't know, maybe get an ice tray?</p>
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<p>Helen: I can do that.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know Dad just called me.</p>
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<p>Helen: Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting up.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, all right, well I got some people here.</p>
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<p>Helen: Ok.</p>
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<p>Jerry: All right, bye. (to Elaine): You see this? Any thought pops
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into their</p>
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<p>head they're calling me because it's a local call now.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Ahh.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this.
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Plus I got</p>
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<p>the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!</p>
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<p>Elaine: They have no idea when they're going back to Florida?</p>
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<p>Jerry: The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend
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and has</p>
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<p>to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go
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back to Florida.</p>
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<p>Elaine: How's that gonna happen?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop.</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo: It's about time you called your uncle. We've got to
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do this once a</p>
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<p>week.</p>
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<p>Jerry (to himself): Once a week? So how's Lydia?</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo: Ah, she's a real tiger.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't know how you do it.</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo: What?</p>
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<p>Jerry: A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't
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know. But it's</p>
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<p>none of my business.</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo: What are you talking about?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well...</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo: Look at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey, it happens.</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.</p>
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<p>Jerry: He has no idea who you are.</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.</p>
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<p>Jerry: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles
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made your</p>
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<p>hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years
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younger. C'mon</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last
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time you looked</p>
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<p>in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely
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skin,</p>
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<p>you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging.
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If I were you</p>
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<p>I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move
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back into that bachelor</p>
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<p>pad and put out a sign; Open for business.</p>
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<p>Uncle Leo: Believe me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect
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in every way,</p>
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<p>I can't see a flaw.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, keep looking.</p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Elaine and Mr. Peterman at work.</p>
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<p>Peterman: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you
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will not be</p>
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<p>accompanying me to Africa.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What? Why not?</p>
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<p>Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive
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for opium.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Opium?</p>
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<p>Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai
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Sally.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Ihat's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr.
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Strugatz</p>
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<p>must have made a mistake.</p>
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<p>Peterman: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone
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else to</p>
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<p>accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for
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an addict,</p>
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<p>Elaine.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Elaine: Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this
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test. I</p>
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<p>don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the
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doctor right</p>
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<p>now, I'll take a pop urine test.</p>
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<p>Peterman: All right, Elaine.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks a glass of water) I'll
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be ready</p>
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<p>in three minutes.</p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>George and his parents at their home in Queens.</p>
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<p>George: Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters,
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huh. </p>
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<p>Bitter cold, bitter.</p>
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<p>Frank: I was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities.</p>
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<p>Estelle: What extremities?</p>
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<p>George: You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Eh?
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Seventy-nine. </p>
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<p>That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy
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in Florida is</p>
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<p>eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.</p>
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<p>Estelle: So George, why are you here?</p>
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<p>George: What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? (Drops pamphlet
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on coffee <a href="http://www.berr.gov.uk/whatwedo/sectors/games/index.html">table</a>)</p>
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<p>Estelle: What's this.</p>
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<p>George: That's where the Seinfeld's are moving. They got a great
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deal. Yep. </p>
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<p>You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the <a href="http://www.games.co.uk/">games</a>,
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you clean</p>
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<p>up.</p>
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<p>Estelle: I don't <a href="http://www.vam.ac.uk/moc/childrens_lives/parlour_games/index.html">bet</a>.</p>
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<p>George: What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins
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down there.</p>
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<p>Estelle: I don't swim.</p>
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<p>George: You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto
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the</p>
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<p>sidewalks.</p>
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<p>Estelle: Are you trying to get rid of us?</p>
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<p>George: Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. Care. I care about
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your comfort, be it here in Queens or <a href="http://www.london-fire.gov.uk/GamesAndActivities.asp">twelve</a>-hundred miles away </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Elaine, back in the doctor's office. The doctor is consulting a
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chart and</p>
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<p>shaking his head no.</p>
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<p>Elaine: No?</p>
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<p>The doctor hands Elaine the chart, she looks at it in astonishment.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair' is
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flat.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Jerry? Jerry!</p>
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<p>Jerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Wha, you too?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah!</p>
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<p>Kramer: These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't
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get the</p>
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<p>shampoo out of my hair.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Me either.</p>
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<p>Kramer: If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak
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and</p>
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<p>ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm
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gonna have to</p>
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<p>shower in the dressing room.</p>
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<p>Kramer (leaving): Aw.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Where are you going?</p>
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<p>Kramer: I gotta find another shower.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Hallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's door.
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Newman</p>
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<p>answers, with flat hair.</p>
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<p>Kramer: They got you too?</p>
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<p>Newman: This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!</p>
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<p>Kramer backs away then runs down the hall.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Elaine's office, Kramer rushes in.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, Elaine. Yeah.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Kramer, you look terrible.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a
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shower.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What's wrong with your shower?</p>
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<p>Kramer: There's no water pressure.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Why don't you just go see Jerry?</p>
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<p>Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's
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open office</p>
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<p>door and pauses.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only
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one I know</p>
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<p>who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel
|
|
like I got bugs</p>
|
|
<p>crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman (busting in): Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the collar)
|
|
I won't</p>
|
|
<p>have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix
|
|
somewhere else! </p>
|
|
<p>(Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mr Peterman! What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Elaine, you're out of control. You need help.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: I know what you're going through. I too once fell under
|
|
the spell of</p>
|
|
<p>opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of
|
|
a Mongolian</p>
|
|
<p>horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the
|
|
clothing</p>
|
|
<p>traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about.
|
|
"Just a</p>
|
|
<p>taste," he said. That was all it took.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not
|
|
addicted to</p>
|
|
<p>anything.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous
|
|
one. </p>
|
|
<p>The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have til' 5:00 to
|
|
clear out your</p>
|
|
<p>desk. You're fired.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's dressing room at NBC. Jerry and his parents are there.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: All they serve is chicken?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: There's more food down the hall.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Wrap it up, we'll take it home.</p>
|
|
<p>George walks in with his parents.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, hi.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: Hello Seinfelds.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could do this. I'm so
|
|
nervous for</p>
|
|
<p>you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Actually, I'm drunk.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey, hey, how was Florida?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Well, we just bought a new place down there.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: I know, we were looking at the brochure.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Why, you thinking of moving?</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: Not really.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available
|
|
in that</p>
|
|
<p>development.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all
|
|
of Del Boca</p>
|
|
<p>Vista?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: That's right. They went like hotcakes.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: How'd you get yours?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Got lucky.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you
|
|
could perhaps</p>
|
|
<p>conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just
|
|
get a little</p>
|
|
<p>personal space.</p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Monk's coffee shop, Elaine is at the counter eating a muffin and
|
|
talking with a</p>
|
|
<p>waitress.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: How could I have tested positive twice? Once I could understand,</p>
|
|
<p>that's a mistake. But twice?</p>
|
|
<p>Waitress: Yeah, it's hard to figure.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna
|
|
meet the</p>
|
|
<p>bushmen of the Kalahari.</p>
|
|
<p>Waitress: Ah, the bushmen?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: And the bushwomen.</p>
|
|
<p>Man (also seated at the counter): Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.
|
|
I</p>
|
|
<p>notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Well, you know what opium is made from...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine (as though receiving a revelation): Poppies!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.</p>
|
|
<p>Jay: Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask
|
|
you, I saw</p>
|
|
<p>some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts;
|
|
they're</p>
|
|
<p>crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with
|
|
Lydia, watching</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him
|
|
the other</p>
|
|
<p>day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he
|
|
blames it on</p>
|
|
<p>anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente?
|
|
Cook's an</p>
|
|
<p>anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic.
|
|
Doesn't get</p>
|
|
<p>a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.</p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend
|
|
because of</p>
|
|
<p>the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her* of
|
|
being an</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into
|
|
his apartment. </p>
|
|
<p>You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida...
|
|
What? </p>
|
|
<p>What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer walks in wearing a bathrobe, his hair is still flat.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida,
|
|
isn't</p>
|
|
<p>that great?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (halfheartedly): Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No good?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my
|
|
own filth. </p>
|
|
<p>All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all
|
|
around me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in
|
|
that.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry (offering a plate): Chicken?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I
|
|
was testing</p>
|
|
<p>positive for opium. Poppy seeds!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Poppy seeds!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate to Elaine) Want some
|
|
chicken?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully
|
|
I'll</p>
|
|
<p>get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.</p>
|
|
<p>There's a knock at the door, Jerry answers it, it's Newman.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello Newman.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little
|
|
problem. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine, would you excuse us?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh c'mon, Newman.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants.
|
|
(Opens</p>
|
|
<p>door) If you don't mind?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right?
|
|
Beat it!</p>
|
|
<p>(Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's
|
|
the lowdown. </p>
|
|
<p>From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black
|
|
market shower</p>
|
|
<p>heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what
|
|
I hear the</p>
|
|
<p>Serbs are fanatic about their showers.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market
|
|
Diner, an</p>
|
|
<p>unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time.
|
|
Are you in?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'm down.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry nods reluctantly.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank and Estelle's house.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: So, Georgie, we have some big news for you.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Big news?</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: We're moving to Florida.</p>
|
|
<p>George (ecstatic): What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's wonderful!
|
|
I'm</p>
|
|
<p>so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you
|
|
need this</p>
|
|
<p>cold weather for?</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the
|
|
Seinfelds.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What do you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right
|
|
into Del</p>
|
|
<p>Boca Vista!</p>
|
|
<p>George: So you're moving there for spite!</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do!</p>
|
|
<p>George: That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit us?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, every chance I get.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle (warmly): Ohhh.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>George busts into Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What's going on?</p>
|
|
<p>George: My parents are moving to Florida!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Are you kidding?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening!
|
|
I'm</p>
|
|
<p>free!!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Where are they moving to?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Del Boca Vista!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live!</p>
|
|
<p>George: I know!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: We could visit together!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Every five years!</p>
|
|
<p>They 'high five' each other.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's incredible!</p>
|
|
<p>George: I know, I know and you know *why* they're moving there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>George: To spite your parents!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: To spite my parents?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Your parents are crazy!</p>
|
|
<p>George: I know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: My parents are moving back too!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Beautiful!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen and Morty, packing up in Uncle Leo's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm not ready to go back
|
|
to Florida.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: He was getting along so well with that woman, what happened?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty shrugs, the phone rings, Morty answers.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>Voice: This is Frank Costanza.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: What do you want?</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving
|
|
in lock, stock</p>
|
|
<p>and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you
|
|
to keep me out!</p>
|
|
<p>Frank hangs up, Morty hangs up.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's apartment, Jerry and George are toasting their good fortune.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result
|
|
of this. </p>
|
|
<p>Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy
|
|
and self</p>
|
|
<p>confidence than you ever dreamed of.</p>
|
|
<p>The phone rings, Jerry answers.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Hello, Jerry? It's your father.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, hi dad.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Listen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little
|
|
while?</p>
|
|
<p>Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: What was that?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're
|
|
gonna</p>
|
|
<p>move in here?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But it's a big complex.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone)</p>
|
|
<p>Geoprge: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What? Why?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone
|
|
just went</p>
|
|
<p>from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years.
|
|
It's my turn</p>
|
|
<p>to live, baby.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a
|
|
big mistake.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Monk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth.</p>
|
|
<p>Leo: Move back with Lydia?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.</p>
|
|
<p>Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're</p>
|
|
<p>disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are
|
|
emanating from</p>
|
|
<p>your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can
|
|
take your</p>
|
|
<p>presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang
|
|
on to her like</p>
|
|
<p>grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.</p>
|
|
<p>Leo: But she's an anti-Semite.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Can you blame her?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen and Morty are unpacking in Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: You don't think he minds us staying here, do you?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Why would he mind? We're his parents.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine walks in picking her teeth, she didn't expect to see Jerry's
|
|
parents.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Hi Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hello. Jerry's not here?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Huh. (pause) Oh my god.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm
|
|
dead. I'm</p>
|
|
<p>going to the doctor's in a half an hour.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's a long story.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What are you gonna do in there?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: What am I gonna do in the bathroom?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Elaine: You gotta do me a favor.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Elaine, I really--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: You want my urine?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I need a clean urine sample from a woman.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Well, what am I gonna do it in?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, one of those glasses.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Jerry's glasses?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen, Oh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Or maybe a juice glass.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: This one is kind of scratched.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It doesn't matter.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Howbout A milk glass.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Jerry doesn't wash these very well.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer, Newman and a 'salesman' are at the back of a van in an
|
|
alley.</p>
|
|
<p>Salesman: All right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F
|
|
series, Hydra</p>
|
|
<p>Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What do you recommend?</p>
|
|
<p>Salesman: What are you looking for?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Power, man. Power.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Like Silkwood.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: That's for radiation.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: That's right.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer (pointing to the largest one): Now, what is this?</p>
|
|
<p>Salesman: That's the Commando 450, I don't sell that one. What
|
|
about thi-</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well that's what we want, the Commando 450.</p>
|
|
<p>Salesman, Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For elephants.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands a wad of money
|
|
to Kramer) </p>
|
|
<p>What about Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: He couldn't handle that, he's delicate.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen and Morty are unpacking in Uncle Leo's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: It's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's place was too small.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's
|
|
going on?</p>
|
|
<p>There's a knock at the door.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Who is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Super: It's the super. We're installing new low-flow showerheads
|
|
in all the</p>
|
|
<p>bathrooms.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Low flow? I don't like the sound of that.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>New scene.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Peterman, in his office, on the telephone.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am
|
|
reinstating you.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?</p>
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<p>Peterman: I'm afraid I can't take you.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What? Why not?</p>
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<p>Peterman: Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal.
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you</p>
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<p>have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.</p>
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<p>Elaine: But I wanted to see the bushmen.</p>
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<p>Peterman: Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Jerry is seeing his parents off as the cab driver loads their bags.
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They have</p>
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<p>flat hair.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, it's been a great visit.</p>
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<p>Morty: Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing I'm gonna do when I
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get back to</p>
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<p>Florida is take a shower.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided
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not to move. </p>
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<p>They couldn't bear being away from George.</p>
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<p>Helen: George must be happy about that.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You have no idea.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>George's parents' house, George is sitting on the couch between
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Frank and</p>
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<p>Estelle, he's obviously disappointed.</p>
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<p>Frank: Take my swim trunks. I won't need them.</p>
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<p>Estelle: What does he want with your swim trunks?</p>
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<p>Frank: Why should they go to waste?!?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>New scene.</p>
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<p>Kramer, in the shower, he's got the Commando 450 shower head hooked
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up. He</p>
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<p>turns it on, the water shoots out full blast and knocks him backwards.
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He grabs</p>
|
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<p>the shower curtain for support and tries to reach forward to turn
|
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the faucet</p>
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<p>off, but the force of the water is too great, he only succeeds
|
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in knocking over</p>
|
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<p>a few shampoo bottles. Kramer is eventually pushed back enough
|
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by the water to</p>
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<p>become entangled in the shower curtain until he eventually falls
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out of the</p>
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<p>shower, and out of camera range.</p>
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<p>End.
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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//-->
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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}
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-->
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<div class="footer">
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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