796 lines
40 KiB
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796 lines
40 KiB
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<h1>The Slicer</h1>
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<br>
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Episode #907 </p>
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<p>Originally Aired: November 13, 1997 </p>
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<p>Transcribed by: Juha Auvinen <br>
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<br>
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Cast: <br>
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Jerry Seinfeld....................... Jerry Seinfeld <br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza <br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes <br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer </p>
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<p>Guest starring: <br>
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Marcia Cross [ Sara ] <br>
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Daniel Von Bargen [ Kruger ] <br>
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Larry B. Scott [ Arthur Milano ] <br>
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David Moreland [ Mr. Parry ] </p>
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<p>Story by: Gregg Kavet, Andy Robin, Darin Henry </p>
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<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.] </p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Morning. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like this. </p>
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<p>Jerry: But why? </p>
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<p>Elaine: I need some space. </p>
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<p>[Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.] </p>
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<p>George: Does that mean I have to go too? </p>
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<p>Jerry: You don't think she's just talking to me? </p>
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<p>George: Hey, shut up. </p>
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<p>Jerry: You shut up. </p>
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<p>Elaine: I hate this. </p>
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<p>[Kramer pops out the covers.] </p>
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<p>Kramer: You'll get used to it. It's like a grubby scrub. </p>
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<p>Elaine: No, I don't want this anymore. </p>
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<p>Jerry: We'll come to work with you. </p>
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<p>George: And on your dates. </p>
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<p>Jerry: And shopping. </p>
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<p>Kramer: And to the bathroom. </p>
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<p>Jerry, George and Kramer: Elaine, Elaine, Elaine, Elaine...[distant alarm
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sound which is getting louder.] </p>
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<p>Elaine: I can't breath...I'm sorry...[Elaine wakes up] You're killing
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me! </p>
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<p>[Elaine tries to push her alarm clock showing 3:30. She realizes, that
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alarm comes from next door.] </p>
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<p>Elaine: [Banging the wall] Turn your alarm off!! [Screams] </p>
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<p> <br>
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[Mr. Kruger's office. Kruger is reading George's CV.] </p>
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<p>Kruger: Your background is impressive George, but how does it apply to
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what we do here, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing? </p>
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<p>George: Well, at the Yankees it was all about smoothing things over,
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you know, chiseling away, grinding down. In fact we used to call it 'the
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grind'. </p>
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<p>Kruger: It says here that you worked at Play Now for four days? </p>
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<p>George: That should be 14, let me just...[corrects it with a pen.] </p>
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<p>Kruger: George, I have to honest; I could go either way with you...but
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what the hell, we need someone, huh. </p>
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<p>George: You won't regret this, sir. </p>
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<p>Kruger: I don't care. Let's find you an office. </p>
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<p>[Kruger leaves and George notices a photograph on the table: Kruger's
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family and George on the background.] <br>
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<br>
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[Monk's cafe. Jerry, George and Kramer.] </p>
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<p>George:...and then when I saw the photo I remembered where I'd seen him;
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the boom box incident. </p>
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<p>Jerry: The boom box incident? </p>
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<p>George: Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This family sits up next to me.
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I go in to the surfs and when I come from out, my clothes, my towel, my
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umbrella, they're all gone. I am furious, I start screaming to these kids
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demanding my stuff back and finally I lose it; I grab their boom box and
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I chuck it in to the ocean. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Seems reasonable. </p>
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<p>George: Then I see my clothes floating out there. The tied took them
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out, not the kids. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Even more reasonable. </p>
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<p>George: So now, the father is screaming at me, he's demanding that I
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pay for the boom box. Finally, I gave them a fake address and got the
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hell out of there. </p>
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<p>Jerry: And that guy is your new boss? </p>
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<p>George: Until that stupid photo jogs his memory. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Kruger? That's not Kruger Industrial Smoothing, is it? </p>
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<p>George: Yeah. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They are the ones who botched
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the Statue of Liberty job. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Right, they couldn't get the green stuff off. </p>
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<p>George: It is a horrible company. There's no management what so ever.
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I could go hog wild in there. </p>
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<p>Kramer: You now what you do? You sneak that photo out of there for couple
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of days and get it air brushed. </p>
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<p>George: Like retouched. </p>
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<p>Kramer: You remember that photo of me and Gerald Ford and I took it in.
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Got that Ford right out of there. </p>
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<p>George: Oh, this is good. This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to
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work for him. </p>
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<p>[George leaves. Kramer tries to eat a sandwich and it brakes in to his
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hands.] </p>
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<p>Kramer: Look at this. This sandwich is terrible. Everywhere you go, they
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give you this misshaped shardy meat. Look at this... </p>
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<p>[Kramer tosses Jerry's sandwich around.] </p>
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<p>Kramer: I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 years. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Neither have I. </p>
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<p> <br>
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[5A. Kramer is slicing meat with a meat slicer. Jerry comes in.] </p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey, our meat problems are solved. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Where did you get this thing? </p>
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<p>Kramer: I traded it to my sausage press. Look how thin that is, see that's
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all surface area. The taste has nowhere to hide. </p>
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<p>[Elaine comes in.] </p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey, spice. [gives Elaine a piece of meat.] Welcome to flavor
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country. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah, that's pretty good. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey, I got a date with that doctor you met. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Sara Sitarides? </p>
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<p>Jerry: Mmhu. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh...[falls in to the sofa.] </p>
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<p>Jerry: What's with you? </p>
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<p>Elaine: You remember that next door neighbor of mine, the apartment that
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always smells like potatoes? </p>
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<p>Jerry: Your whole building smells like potatoes. </p>
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<p>Elaine: This jackass goes to Paris, leaves the alarm on. It's been beeping
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since 3:30 this morning. </p>
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<p>Kramer: You know, that happened to Lomez, so he blew his neighbor's circuit.
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</p>
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<p>Elaine: How do you do that? </p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me finish this mile high and
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I'll be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser
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rolls. </p>
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<p>Jerry: I think we might have one left in the stock room. </p>
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<p>[Kramer looks lost.] </p>
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<p> <br>
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[Elaine's building. Elaine and Kramer.] </p>
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<p>Kramer: This hallway smells like potatoes. </p>
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<p>Elaine: I know, I know, this is it. [points to a door.] </p>
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<p>Kramer: Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably connected to her apartment.
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So what we'll do, we'll take this paper clip and bend it so it'll short
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out the entire circuit. Here you go... </p>
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<p>Elaine: I think I'll let you do it. </p>
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<p>Kramer: No no no. It's easy, you just...do it quickly. </p>
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<p>Elaine: No, I really don't want to. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, I don't want to either. </p>
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<p>Elaine: I thought you had done this before. </p>
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<p>Kramer: It's just...it's no picnic. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, how are we gonna do it? </p>
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<p>Kramer: Alright, fine fine, I'll do it. </p>
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<p>[Kramer moisturizes the paper clip in his mouth and sticks it to the
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power socket. Electric buzz and Kramer twitches on the floor. The lights
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go off.] </p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh mama. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Are you okay? </p>
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<p>Kramer: I will lose that nail. </p>
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<p> <br>
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[Monk's cafe. Jerry and Dr. Sara Sitarides.] </p>
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<p>Sara: I enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally you have no idea what
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it's like to have someone's life depending on you. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, I have this neighbor... </p>
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<p>Sara: A joke. Do you have any idea how it feels like to save someone's
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life? </p>
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<p>Jerry: Is it anything like hitting a home run in softball? </p>
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<p>Sara: No. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Cause I hit a whopper last week! </p>
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<p> <br>
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[Flash Foto. George is picking up the photo.] </p>
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<p>Clerk: Here you go, airbrushed in to sand and sky. </p>
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<p>[George looks at the picture and he is still there, but Kruger isn't.]
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</p>
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<p>George: What did you do here? You took out the wrong guy. </p>
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<p>Clerk: I thought you said you wanted to be out? </p>
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<p>George: Well, I'm still here. You took out the other guy! </p>
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<p>Clerk: You've really lost a lot of hair. </p>
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<p>George: I am aware! </p>
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<p> <br>
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[Elaine's apartment. She is reading a catalog on her bed.] </p>
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<p>Elaine thinking: Hmm, the world's best pizza cutter. 76 bucks, how often
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do I make...oh, I've gotta buy a book. </p>
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<p>[She hears a loud cat meowing next door.] </p>
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<p>Elaine: The cat. </p>
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<p> <br>
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[5A, Jerry, George and Kramer.] </p>
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<p>Jerry: He took out Kruger? </p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>George: I just pray Kruger doesn't realize that it's gone until this
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guy can fix it up. </p>
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<p>[Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat.] </p>
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<p>Kramer: This slicer is indomitable. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Where did you get that butcher's coat? </p>
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<p>Kramer: You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything. </p>
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<p>[Elaine comes in.] </p>
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<p>Elaine: Kramer, my neighbor has a cat. When you blew the power, we must've
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shut off the automatic feeder. </p>
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<p>Kramer: See, that's the same thing that happened to Lomez. </p>
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<p>Elaine: What did he do about it? </p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, he moved to a hotel and the cat eventually died. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, this meowing is absolutely worst than the alarm. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, that's a prickly one. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah, how's the doctor date? </p>
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<p>Jerry: Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour and a half making me feel,
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if I don't save lives, I'm worthless. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, she's very focused. Dermatology is her life. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Dermatology? </p>
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<p>Elaine: Yes, she's a dermatologist. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Saving lives? The whole profession is; eh, just put some aloe
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on it. </p>
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<p>Kramer: The slicer! Elaine, let's go. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Where are we going? </p>
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<p>Kramer: The cat. Just grab that meat and let's ride. </p>
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<p>[Elaine and Kramer leave.] </p>
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<p>George: When are you going on your next date with her? </p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, what's the point? </p>
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<p>George: What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful opportunity to put that
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aloe pusher in her place? </p>
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<p>Jerry: Revenge date? That sound like you more than me. </p>
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<p>George: This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving lives? She's one step away
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working at the clinique counter! </p>
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<p>Jerry: Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor! </p>
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<p>George: Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move on! </p>
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<p>Jerry: You're right. I'm gonna call her right now and tell her off. </p>
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<p>George: No no no no no, this has to be carefully orchestrated. You go
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to a fancy dinner, flowers... </p>
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<p>Jerry: Flowers? </p>
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<p>George: Yeah, you gotta do it classy [wipes his mouth to his sweater.]
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</p>
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<p>Jerry: So, you've done this? </p>
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<p>George: Almost. Couldn't get the girl go out with me the second time.
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</p>
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<p> <br>
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[Elaine's hallway. Kramer and Elaine are sizing the space under the door.]
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</p>
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<p>Kramer: I think we are looking half a millimeter. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Can it cut that thin? </p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them. </p>
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<p>Elaine: How did you know you cut it? </p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, I guess I just assumed. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Hold on kitty, dinner's coming. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, that's a hall of famer. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Alright, let's do it. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that baby slide...[Puts a slice
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of meat under the door.] </p>
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<p>Elaine: Come on, come on kitty...[slice disappears] ooh...how about that;
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it worked! Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while? </p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh no, I don't think so. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Why not? </p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, you're not checked at on it. </p>
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<p>Elaine: What do I have to know? </p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, where the meat goes? </p>
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<p>Elaine: Right there. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Where do you turn it on? </p>
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<p>Elaine: Right there. </p>
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<p>Kramer: But where does the meat go? <br>
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<br>
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[Jerry is on the revenge date with Sara.] </p>
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<p>Sara: Restaurant, flowers...this is so nice. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life saving business? </p>
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<p>Sara: It's fine. </p>
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<p>Jerry: It must take a really really big zit, to kill a man! </p>
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<p>Sara: What is with you? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD! </p>
|
|
<p>[A man comes to the table.] </p>
|
|
<p>Parry: Dr. Sitarides? </p>
|
|
<p>Sara: Mr. Parry, how are you? </p>
|
|
<p>Parry: I just wanted to thank you again for saving my life. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She saved your life? </p>
|
|
<p>Parry: I had skin cancer. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Skin cancer! Damn. </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Elaine's apartment. She is opening letters with the slicer and talking
|
|
on the phone.] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You were right Kramer, this slicer is absolutely amazing...yeah,
|
|
yeah...no no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok bye. <br>
|
|
[Walks off the couch.] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: These heals are so uneven. [Watches the slicer.] </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Flash foto. George is picking up the photo.] </p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: Here you Mr. Costanza. </p>
|
|
<p>[George looks at the photo. Mr. Kruger has been drawn in to the picture.]
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>George: What is this? This is a drawing. </p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: Looks real, doesn't it? </p>
|
|
<p>George: This is a cartoon! </p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: Hey, I had to draw that guy from memory. Considering, I think
|
|
that's damn good. </p>
|
|
<p>George: But it's not a photograph, I need a photograph! </p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: Then you better get a camera. </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[5A, George is showing Jerry the picture.] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He looks like a Peanuts character. </p>
|
|
<p>George: I know. The only way to fix it now, is to get a whole new photo
|
|
of Kruger. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You can do that. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Without his shirt on. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger wasn't the place for you.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>George: It seemed so disorganized. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I understand. </p>
|
|
<p>George: What about the Coast Guard? Seems like a lot of pride there,
|
|
a lot of tradition. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: True. You mean, for you? </p>
|
|
<p>George: I think. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What about your sea sickness? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Maybe I could be a land guy. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know if they have land guys. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Someone's have to unhook the boat before it leaves...the place!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine comes in.] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Pliers? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Drawer. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Got it. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are they for? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck in a slicer. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Come again? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Okay, I got a little slicer happy, but listen; don't tell Kramer,
|
|
okay? He has very strong feelings for it. </p>
|
|
<p>George: I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge date go? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Eh, it went okay. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Did you dressed nice, did you do it classy? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, I started out real classy... </p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah you did, you classed it up! </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But then I found out about the skin cancer. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, so it backfired? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah. </p>
|
|
<p>George: So, I guess I was lucky that I never tried that myself. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Of course she treats skin cancer. That's how I met her, she was
|
|
doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists
|
|
do. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Sadly, that knowledge could've help me. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Wait a minute, she did a skin cancer screening at Peterman? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Aha. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Could she do that at Kruger? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I don't know, I guess. </p>
|
|
<p>George: So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and click,
|
|
I snap me a shot of a bear-chested Kruger. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You have a little thing for this fella'? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge on her! </p>
|
|
<p>George: And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple must to apologize.. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Must I? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How does that reflect me? </p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer comes in.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Elaine, alright where's the SP2000? Cause I gotta slice. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Aah, I forgot it. I gotta get home. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Ok, I'll go with you. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Umm, I'm not actually going straight to home, I have to first
|
|
stop at the eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, well you have fun...[Elaine leaves] oh no clowns...hate clowns...the
|
|
clowns. </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Jerry and Sara at Sara's office.] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So again, I'm sorry. I had no right to yell at you, you're a life
|
|
saving doctor and I'm just a comedian... </p>
|
|
<p>Sara: Jerry, enough. I'll do your friend's cancer screening, because
|
|
I believe in that, but as far as you and I are concerned; it's off. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Was it pimple popper MD? </p>
|
|
<p>Sara: That's the one. [Taps Jerry on the cheek and leaves.] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Still got it. </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Elaine is trying to get the shoe heal off the slicer.] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Out, damn heal! </p>
|
|
<p>[Knock on the door.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Elaine? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Kramer? </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah listen, I need my slicer back. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Just hold on! </p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine bangs the slicer to the door.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, what's going on? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Nothing...[heal comes loose and Elaine opens the door.] Here,
|
|
ok I'm on the phone alright? I'm on the phone with someone... </p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine closes the door and Kramer checks the slices.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come on! Elaine! </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Phone call! I'm in a big phone call! </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Come on, this is important! [Shakes the door handle and it comes
|
|
loose. Kramer falls backwards to the next door.] </p>
|
|
<p>Neighbor: Hey, get the hell out of here! </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Wow, that's a lot of potatoes. </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[5A. Jerry and Kramer.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: So, George took my slicer down to Kruger and they're smoothing
|
|
it out for me. </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry comes and shows Kramer his neck, which has red spots all over
|
|
it.] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What the hell is this? </p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Kramer: Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing
|
|
a fake beard? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, what have you been doing? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Nothing, I got up, run some errands, I went down to Sara's office
|
|
and apologized... </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what happened there? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't go over that well... </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: There, there's your hives. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What, she gave me hives? </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, can maketh ill. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She did kind of touch my face. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell
|
|
her that you're not a test tube pin cushion. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It does itch. Maybe I will go down at Kruger and talk to her.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Alright, great, because I got to get down there and pick up my
|
|
blade. Hey, and I couldn't find that stock room. </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Elaine tries to go to feed the cat, but door knob comes loose to her
|
|
hand.] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, that's fantastic. </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Kruger's. George and Sara.] </p>
|
|
<p>George: I just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be down in a minute. He wanted
|
|
me to take a photograph for the record. </p>
|
|
<p>Sara: What record? </p>
|
|
<p>George: His personal file, I, I don't ask... </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry and Kramer walk in.] </p>
|
|
<p>Sara: Jerry? What brings you here? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know, this? [Shows his neck to Sara.] </p>
|
|
<p>Sara: Looks like hives. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Where do you suppose that could've come from? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Jerry, what are you doing... </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: He is just setting the record straight. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand of perverted science
|
|
do you practice? </p>
|
|
<p>Sara: Are you suggesting I somehow I infected you on purpose? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I want the antidote, pimple popper! </p>
|
|
<p>Sara: That's it, I'm out of here! You're insane. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Am I? You touched my face. I didn't imagine that! </p>
|
|
<p>[Sara leaves and Jerry goes after her.] </p>
|
|
<p>George: Dr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry! </p>
|
|
<p>[Kruger comes to George and Kramer. Kramer is wearing the white butcher's
|
|
coat.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kruger: Hey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening here? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in, we'll be in in a second.
|
|
Be right with you. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Doc, huh? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Kramer, this is perfect. I need you to go in there, pretend you're
|
|
a doctor and check this guy for moles. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin. </p>
|
|
<p>George: And get a picture of him, with his shirt off. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You really are cooking up a little scheme here, aren't you? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick, quick... </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Elaine's bedroom. Cat is meowing next door.] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: This is it. I can take this anymore. </p>
|
|
<p>[She turns the radio on loud (Foghat: Slow Ride) and "dances"
|
|
few little kicks.] </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Kruger's. Kramer is examining Mr. Kruger.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight...uh
|
|
indeterminate. Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a photo now for the records.
|
|
So if you'll stand up please and give me a big smile, oh no no no, not
|
|
that big. Yeah, that's nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok,
|
|
so eh, fiber from shirt on the left shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my
|
|
on that. </p>
|
|
<p>Kruger: How long have you been doing this Dr. Van Nostrand? </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen moles so big they have their
|
|
own moles. Freckles that cover two men. </p>
|
|
<p>Kruger: So, how am I looking? </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, so far, so good...[looks at Mr. Kruger's shoulder] yeuye...
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer comes out to talk to George.] </p>
|
|
<p>George: Kramer, I really owe you one. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: George, we got a problem. </p>
|
|
<p>George: What? </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder. Very suspicious. </p>
|
|
<p>George: So, tell him you're concerned about it and he should see someone
|
|
else. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: George, why would I, a Juilliard trained dermatologist, send
|
|
him to another doctor? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Because, you're not a dermatologist. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray that trust. Here's what
|
|
I wanna do; I think I can get a section... </p>
|
|
<p>George: Whoa, whoa, a section?! </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and he'd hold still... </p>
|
|
<p>George: No, you're not taking a deli slicer to my boss... </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: It'll be operative thing, he would barely feel it. </p>
|
|
<p>George: No! Absolutely Not! </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, it's my medical opinion, that you're making a big mistake.
|
|
And it's going in my chart. </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Elaine is on the phone and the radio plays music very loud (Iron Butterfly:
|
|
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida)] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?! Oh, finally, listen I
|
|
need someone to come over here right away! </p>
|
|
<p>Neighbor: Turn it off! Turn it off! </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I am getting a lock smith, alright?! Relax! </p>
|
|
<p>Neighbor: Alright, that's it! </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, the address is 78th West... </p>
|
|
<p>[Electric buzz and lights go off and music stops.] </p>
|
|
<p>Neighbor: Oh, oh mama... </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[5A. Jerry and George.] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So, Kramer pulled it off? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Yep, and the photo was all fixed and back on his desk, no thanks
|
|
to you. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, that woman had it coming to her. Look at my neck, it looks
|
|
like I had a beard of bees! </p>
|
|
<p>George: Why don't you see someone about it? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I've called everyone. You know how hard it is to get a dermatologist
|
|
in this town? [Kramer comes in] A real dermatologist. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: [Points to a page on the book] Squamous cell carcinoma. </p>
|
|
<p>George: You're not a doctor. You shouldn't even have books like this.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: George, that's what he has and I have to give him a call. Now
|
|
we gotta came clean. </p>
|
|
<p>George: You can't tell him the truth, you're gonna blow the whole thing.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I don't want this on my conscience. </p>
|
|
<p>George: I'll get him to see a real doctor. You just stay away from this.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, alright... </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best parts.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to benzene,
|
|
a common ingredient in metal cleaners. </p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer cleans the blade with some liquid and a towel.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, that's weird. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you doing? </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, I'm cleaning my slicer. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest!
|
|
That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's
|
|
from Dr. Van Nostrand! </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting to the poison she's giving
|
|
you. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo with you [throws the bottle
|
|
to Kramer.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Ohh, that's toxic. [Jerry throws the towel over Kramer's head.]
|
|
Ououou.... </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Kruger's office.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kruger: George, come in. I'm just going over our annual report...boy
|
|
did we take it on the chin last year. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Eh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message from Dr. Van Nostrand
|
|
and he says it might be wise to you to see another doctor about that mole.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Kruger: I'm not too worried about it. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, he said it could be cancer, maybe you should get it checked
|
|
out. </p>
|
|
<p>Kruger: George, take a look at this photo. This is taken 10 years ago.
|
|
That mole looks exactly as it does today. So, there's no cause for concern,
|
|
eh? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Whatever. </p>
|
|
<p>Kruger: Actually, funny thing about this photo. We were at the beach
|
|
and there was this dumb looking guy near by. When he went in for a swim,
|
|
my sons and I took all his stuff and threw it in the ocean! What a pear
|
|
shaped loser. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, that pear shaped loser was me! And I was in that photo,
|
|
until I broke in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed myself out
|
|
of there! </p>
|
|
<p>Kruger: Well, I'll be...you have lost a lot of hair. </p>
|
|
<p>George: That's what they tell me! </p>
|
|
<p> <br>
|
|
[Jerry, George and Kramer are waiting for the lock smith at the hallway
|
|
of Elaine's apartment. Kramer is feeding Elaine under the door.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Do you want more pastrami? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Um, what was that last thing you gave me? That was pretty good.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you after all you did. </p>
|
|
<p>George: He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love that place. Hey, have
|
|
you seen other dermatologist? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian. He said it was really
|
|
bad. </p>
|
|
<p>George: What did he give you for it. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Aloe. So where's that lock smith? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Have to give him time on this hour. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Can I have a zip? [Sticks a straw out from keyhole.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh yeah, coming up... </p>
|
|
<p></p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
|
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}
|
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</script>
|
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</div>
|
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
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</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|