1088 lines
50 KiB
HTML
1088 lines
50 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Smelly Car</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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============================================================================</p>
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<p>Episode #422 </p>
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<p>Originally Aired: Thursday, April 14, 1993, 9:30PM</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Production Credits:</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Executive Producer ................... Andrew Scheinman</p>
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<p>Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Written By ........................... Larry David and Peter Mehlman</p>
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<p>Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Cast:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)</p>
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<p>George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander</p>
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<p>Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Dreyfus</p>
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<p>Kramer ............................... Michael Richards</p>
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<p>With:</p>
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<p>Susan ................................ Heidi Swedberg</p>
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<p>Restaurateur ......................... Michael Des Barres</p>
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<p>Carl ................................. Nick Backay</p>
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<p>Allison .............................. Kari Coleman</p>
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<p>Hairdresser .......................... Taylor Negron</p>
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<p>Clerk ................................ Courteney Gains</p>
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<p>Car Washer ........................... Raf Mauro</p>
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<p>Mona ................................. Vieka Davis</p>
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<p>Salesman ............................. Robert Noble</p>
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<p>Wife ................................. Patricia Place</p>
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<p>Husband .............................. Walt Beaver</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Previous episode references:</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>o Kramer's wood wallpaper ("The Junior Mints")</p>
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<p>o Return of Susan (George's ex-girlfriend)</p>
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<p>o Kramer continues his New York Yankee fascination</p>
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<p>o Jerry references Superman *again*.</p>
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<p>o ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' ("The Movie")</p>
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<p>o Susan details her life with Kramer, including snippets from "The
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Pitch"</p>
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<p>and "The Cheever Letters"</p>
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<p>o Return of Allison ("The Outing")</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Net reaction and comments:</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Fill in later...</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>The Cereal Report</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Twelve(!) boxes noted, one of which is definitely Apple Jacks (second
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from </p>
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<p>left), one is Total (third from right), one Quaker product, and
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one Post</p>
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<p>product.</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Quotes and Scene summary:</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Opening monologue [Show didn't start until it was a few secs
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old-- don't</p>
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<p>% you just *hate* translators that start the show late? I *hate*
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that...]</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: ...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means
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either you</p>
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<p>are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen
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the </p>
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<p>stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about
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the </p>
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<p>doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme
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tell </p>
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<p>you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on
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a </p>
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<p>date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too.
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</p>
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<p>You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% We open in front of a restaurant ("Kady's") with Jerry
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and Elaine waiting</p>
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<p>% for the valet to come and get the keys for Jerry's car. Jerry
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is amusing </p>
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<p>% himself by trying to drive Elaine nuts by humming and waving
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his scarf</p>
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<p>% in front of her face.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: Is that bothering you?</p>
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<p>Elaine: No, not at all...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Amazing resilience, that Elaine has. The valet comes and Jerry
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gives</p>
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<p>% him the keys. Elaine has some advice.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh, could you please hurry?</p>
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<p>Jerry: [mockingly] "Please hurry". Look at you. Look
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at what you've </p>
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<p>become.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What? What have I become? I haven't "become"
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anything...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I don't want to keep him waiting...</p>
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<p>Jerry: He'll like you more...</p>
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<p>Elaine: That's impossible...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% I'll buy that... Anyhoots, an elder married couple saunter by
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(yes, they</p>
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<p>% actually saunter)...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Wife: Andrew, why do you have to pick your teeth at the table?</p>
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<p>Husband: Leave me alone.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: So, where am I dropping you?</p>
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<p>Elaine: His place...</p>
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<p>Jerry: This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and
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then drop</p>
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<p>you off at his apartment...</p>
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<p>Elaine: *And* he gets the rest of my chicken...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% No, that's no cleverly hidden euphemism. Elaine has a doggie
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bag from </p>
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<p>% the restaurant.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: So, is tonight "the night"?</p>
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<p>Elaine: You never know...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% The car arrives. They drive away. Soon, they discover something
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is </p>
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<p>% definitely amiss...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course*
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I</p>
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<p>smell something.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What is it?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I think it's B.O.!</p>
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<p>Jerry: What?</p>
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<p>Elaine: It's B.O. The *valet* must have had B.O.</p>
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<p>Jerry: It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Jerry. It's *B*.*O*.</p>
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<p>Jerry: But the whole car smells.</p>
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<p>Elaine: So?</p>
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<p>Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays
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with the "B". </p>
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<p>Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% They each do their best dog impression and stick their heads
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out the </p>
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<p>% window while they're driving. They come back inside. They moan</p>
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<p>% disgustedly and stick their heads out, again.</p>
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<p>%</p>
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<p>% We shift to Carl's rather nifty place.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: I can't believe you ski!</p>
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<p>Carl: I'm a great skier.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah? What else?</p>
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<p>Carl: Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder...</p>
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<p>Elaine: [delightedly] Oh! You "pillage and plunder"?</p>
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<p>Carl: ...When I travel.</p>
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<p>Elaine: See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet a man who pillages
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and </p>
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<p>plunders! I'm so lucky.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>% Elaine! I can do those things! I can pillage! I can plunder!
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I</p>
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<p>% can pillage *and* plunder! I can even divide and conquer in a
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search</p>
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<p>% algorithm! Oh, never mind...</p>
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<p>%</p>
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<p>% They embrace and kiss, but Carl gets a couple o' whiffs of Elaine's
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hair,</p>
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<p>% and, judging by the look on Carl's face, he's not smelling Aussie
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Scrunch </p>
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<p>% Spray...</p>
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<p>%</p>
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<p>% We shift to Champagne video where George is returning a movie
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with Kramer.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: This'll only take a second.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, I'm going to poke around...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% George goes towards the counter, but he sees a couple of girls
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holding</p>
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<p>% hands browsing for movies (beside of a cardboard display for
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"A Few Good </p>
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<p>% Men"-- the irony, the irony...)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: [to himself] Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A *lesbian*
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</p>
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<p>sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why is
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</p>
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<p>that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% The couple turns around and one of the two is Susan, George's
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ex-</p>
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<p>% girlfriend!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: [to himself] Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% George turns around so as not to be recognized, but I'm guessing
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his</p>
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<p>% distinctive bald head gives him away...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Susan: George?</p>
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<p>George: [to himself] Argh! [to Susan] Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What
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are</p>
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<p>you doing here?!</p>
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<p>Susan: Renting a video! What do you got there?</p>
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<p>George: Oh, ... some stupid movie...</p>
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<p>Susan: This is Mona.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% George methodically extends his hand for a shake, bit by bit...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: Oh, hi...</p>
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<p>Mona: Pleasure to meet you.</p>
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<p>George: Yes. Well...</p>
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<p>Mona: Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch up.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Susan: You okay?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.</p>
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<p>Susan: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman.</p>
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<p>George: Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*! Are you kidding?
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I </p>
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<p>think thats fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation!</p>
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<p>I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking
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to?</p>
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<p>Susan: I *know* who I'm talking to.</p>
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<p>George: Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never *knew*,
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uh, </p>
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<p>that, uh...</p>
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<p>Susan: I liked women?</p>
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<p>George: There you go.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: So, uh, how long has this been going on?</p>
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<p>Susan: Since you and I broke up.</p>
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<p>George: Ssssso, after me, you... went that way?</p>
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<p>Susan: Yeah.</p>
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<p>George: Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's
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very </p>
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<p>nice.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Meanwhile, Kramer is practicing his golf swing across from an
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amused </p>
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<p>% Mona. They can be seen talking in the background as Susan inspects
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</p>
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<p>% George's movie...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Susan: So, what have you got there?</p>
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<p>George: Oh, I, uh--</p>
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<p>Susan: Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''</p>
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<p>George: It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is what it is, actually.</p>
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<p>Susan: Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh?</p>
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<p>George: No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's not even *frontal*
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nudity.</p>
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<p>It's... *sidal* nudity...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Clerk: Next.</p>
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<p>George: Oh, that's me.</p>
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<p>Susan: Alright, well... Good seeing you, George.</p>
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<p>George: Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with
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the</p>
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<p>whole thing, there.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Clerk: Uh, what are you returning?</p>
|
|
<p>George: [embarrassed pause] ``Rochelle, Rochelle''.</p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young girl's strange,
|
|
erotic </p>
|
|
<p>journey from Milan to Minsk"...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49.</p>
|
|
<p>George: $3.49? It says $1.49.</p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: Well, you didn't rewind it. There's a $2.00 charge for not</p>
|
|
<p>rewinding.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you
|
|
less to</p>
|
|
<p>keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>give him the satisfaction.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it
|
|
again...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Ah yes, memories of Kramer putting thoughts into Newmans mind
|
|
while </p>
|
|
<p>% dealing with Ron (of Ron's Records). Anyway, we cut to the apartment</p>
|
|
<p>% where Jerry and Elaine are bundling old magazines...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car
|
|
out. I</p>
|
|
<p>figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>*face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained*
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>strength throughout the night...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours
|
|
that </p>
|
|
<p>I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What about skunk?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I don't mind skunk.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Horse manure?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I *loooove* horse manure.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In
|
|
fact, I </p>
|
|
<p>went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my </p>
|
|
<p>responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and *demand* they pay for it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Absolutely.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy,
|
|
and he </p>
|
|
<p>tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It means he's lying.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Wow...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why? Is that what he told you?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early
|
|
some</p>
|
|
<p>time...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No. Never.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in
|
|
the morning.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but
|
|
a man will </p>
|
|
<p>*always* trade sleep for sex.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% There's a weird edit here like they cut something out... It didn't
|
|
even </p>
|
|
<p>% get a laugh from the audience. Anyway...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Anything's *possible*...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Bite your tongue!</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>%</p>
|
|
<p>% Enter K-Man...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What's the matter with you?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh yeah, Steinbrenner...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry.
|
|
He'll </p>
|
|
<p>just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I know the list...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Isn't that McGriff the Crime Dog?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What's that smell?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What smell?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Ooooh... You stink.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Whatd'ya mean I stink?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've
|
|
been in </p>
|
|
<p>the car!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself
|
|
to me! </p>
|
|
<p>It's alive! </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's
|
|
why Carl</p>
|
|
<p>said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks
|
|
I </p>
|
|
<p>have B.O.! Me!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% George buzzes...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>destroying the lives of everyone in it's path.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% In the car...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: What is that? B.O.?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George: This is *unbelievable* B.O.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy
|
|
told me </p>
|
|
<p>in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, no. It's the valet guy.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh... No, that's ridiculous.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What if her experience with me *drove* her to it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told
|
|
me she's *never* </p>
|
|
<p>been with a guy.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like
|
|
a "Smell </p>
|
|
<p>Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them
|
|
with a </p>
|
|
<p>big, soapy brush...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out,
|
|
I </p>
|
|
<p>never would've broken up with her.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% At the restaurant, Jerry, er, refuses to have his car parked
|
|
by the valet.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Here he is... that's the guy! [rolls up window]</p>
|
|
<p>No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Inside, he confronts a snooty restaurant type guy.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: What do you mean-- "stunk up"?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Stinks.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Stinks!</p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has the odour...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy!</p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: Really? Well, I smell you now.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's from the car!</p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: Well, maybe *you're* the one who stunk up the car,
|
|
rather </p>
|
|
<p>than the car stinking up you!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, it's the chicken and the egg...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car;
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>see which smells worse.</p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: I don't have time to smell cars.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>source...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You've gotta smell the car</p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: I'm a busy man</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: C'mon! One whiff!</p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: Alright, one whiff...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Inside the car, the restaurateur realizes there is some reality
|
|
in Jerry's</p>
|
|
<p>% story...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will
|
|
you </p>
|
|
<p>let me out!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?</p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry keeps him inside until he agrees to pay half ($125). To
|
|
his horror,</p>
|
|
<p>% George discovers that some sick individual has stolen ``Rochelle,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>% Rochelle'' from the dash of the car while they were inside. He
|
|
asks the </p>
|
|
<p>% restaurateur to pay for that, too...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Restaurateur: I'm not paying for *that*. They've already got my
|
|
seven </p>
|
|
<p>dollars... [sarcastically] "...erotic journey from Milan to
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Minsk"...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Hmm... $7.00. At $1.49/night, I'm guessing he's had it for 4
|
|
nights, </p>
|
|
<p>% plus $1 for only rewinding it halfway...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Carl: The valet had such bad B.O.?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, man, just *rampant*, **mutant** B.O. The "O"
|
|
went from the </p>
|
|
<p>valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything.
|
|
Jerry </p>
|
|
<p>thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...</p>
|
|
<p>Carl: That's a relief...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% How do *you* spell "relief"? "B" "B"
|
|
"O"... Carl recoils from an </p>
|
|
<p>% embrace from Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Carl: It's still there...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Elaine corners the poor guy...</p>
|
|
<p>%</p>
|
|
<p>% We cut to the video store where George tells the clerk about
|
|
the video.</p>
|
|
<p>% Susan shows up and George asks her:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little concerned that
|
|
perhaps I </p>
|
|
<p>was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.</p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: That'll be $98.00.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What $98.00?</p>
|
|
<p>Clerk: That's what I said. $98.00.</p>
|
|
<p>George: How could that piece of *crap* cost $98.00!?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% He borrows $35 from Susan to pay for the movie...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: So, was it me?</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk
|
|
to me </p>
|
|
<p>about? [Gives him the $35] Here.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Susan: Yeah, *sure*... I gotta go.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were
|
|
ever </p>
|
|
<p>to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: You're an idiot.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Why? That's a *legitimate* sociological question.</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: I'll see ya. And George, by the way... You stink... Real
|
|
bad.</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's not me! It's the car!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Cut to Kramer waiting on a street corner...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Mona: I didn't think I'd come.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I knew you would.</p>
|
|
<p>Mona: Oh, Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% They embrace. End of Act II. I missed a couple secs at the start
|
|
of Act</p>
|
|
<p>% III, but Jerry is standing with the car wash guy. He's informing
|
|
Jerry</p>
|
|
<p>% of the treatment that the car is about to endure......</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Car Washer: We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise,
|
|
vacuum the</p>
|
|
<p>spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure</p>
|
|
<p>compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining </p>
|
|
<p>liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Let's do it.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Cut to the hair salon where Elaine hears a similar tale from
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>% hairdresser.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Hairdresser: The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles
|
|
with the</p>
|
|
<p>five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine,</p>
|
|
<p>and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and </p>
|
|
<p>condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted</p>
|
|
<p>vinegar-- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that </p>
|
|
<p>doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Tomato Sauce?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry doles out his $250 and gets in the April-fresh car...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Elaine visits Carl to present her olfactory-wise magnificent
|
|
hair.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Carl: It still smells.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry explains things to George back at the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It still smells!</p>
|
|
<p>George: How could it still smell after all that?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, what are you gonna do?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!</p>
|
|
<p>George: You're *selling* the car!?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force
|
|
more </p>
|
|
<p>powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I
|
|
can </p>
|
|
<p>get for it.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Maybe I'll buy it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you?
|
|
This</p>
|
|
<p>is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Entrez-vous Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I still smell!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence!
|
|
It's </p>
|
|
<p>the beast!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Outside, a woman's voice is heard screaming and pounding on Kramer's
|
|
door.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Susan: Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Susan!</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What is going on?</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then,
|
|
he burns</p>
|
|
<p>down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me.</p>
|
|
<p>George: He stole your girlfriend?</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: Yes. She's in *love* with him.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer waits until George and Susan have left, then calls Jerry
|
|
on the </p>
|
|
<p>% phone, and begins to explain the situation to Jerry (while coming
|
|
into his</p>
|
|
<p>% apartment, still on the phone). He realizes his silliness and
|
|
puts the</p>
|
|
<p>% phone away, but continues the tale, explaining how Mona is a
|
|
golf </p>
|
|
<p>% instructor, and how he's already taken six strokes off his game.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's the *least* of what you've accomplished...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer explains further and borrows Jerry's jacket for his date
|
|
with </p>
|
|
<p>% Mona that evening. As he's leaving, Elaine asks the inevitable:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on
|
|
a second.</p>
|
|
<p>I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her </p>
|
|
<p>*entire* life--</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'm Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Yes! Anyway, cut to George and Susan at Monk's...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what
|
|
they want?</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: I just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet
|
|
other</p>
|
|
<p>girls...</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: You think so?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian.</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: You're very sweet...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with
|
|
you, I</p>
|
|
<p>gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that </p>
|
|
<p>woman, I can't get you out of my mind.</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, you're just so... hip.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% A woman exits the bathroom and approached the table...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, my God...</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: What?</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed
|
|
with me.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Despite his hiding, Allison sees George.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Allison: George?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you?</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: Good. You know, you owe me $50...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Allison.</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: Nice to meet you... </p>
|
|
<p>Susan: Nice to meet you... </p>
|
|
<p>Allison: That's a beautiful vest...</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: Thank you...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Y'know George does have that cherub-cupid look to him... Anyhoots,
|
|
the next</p>
|
|
<p>% day, we see Kramer and Jerry at the car lot trying to sell J's
|
|
car.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my
|
|
apartment;</p>
|
|
<p>it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Salesman: What year did you say this was?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: '90.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
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<p>Kramer: Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing
|
|
she </p>
|
|
<p>tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's strange...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Salesman: How many miles you got on this thing?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: 23 000.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on,
|
|
I'm </p>
|
|
<p>wearing *your* jacket...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The
|
|
Beast!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Speak of the Devil, the car salesman exits the car with an "Augh!"...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Salesman: I can't sell this car.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: This... **thing**... has got to be stopped!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% At the salon, Elaine rationally decides her fate to the hairdresser:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Hairdresser: So, what do you want to do?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Sauce me.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% In a rough-looking part of town (I didn't know you had those
|
|
in New York),</p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry parks in front of a punk, tosses his keys in the car, and
|
|
leaves, </p>
|
|
<p>% making it *very* obvious to the guy that the car has got a high
|
|
steal</p>
|
|
<p>% quotient. He stops short of screaming "TAKE IT!". The
|
|
punk gets in, </p>
|
|
<p>% and... well, let's just say he doesn't smell potpourri... Cut
|
|
to the</p>
|
|
<p>% closing monologue.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything
|
|
in </p>
|
|
<p>nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>sense-- do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad.</p>
|
|
<p>This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink.</p>
|
|
<p>Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd
|
|
be</p>
|
|
<p>a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry
|
|
in</p>
|
|
<p>the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd go down to the drugstore
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and pick up some odourant and perspirant. You'd probably have a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car.</p>
|
|
<p>And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear comin'</p>
|
|
<p>out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[End]</p>
|
|
<p>===========================================================================</p>
|
|
<p><Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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