1113 lines
44 KiB
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1113 lines
44 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Soul Mate</h1>
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<p align="center"><br>
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Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 17, 2002.<br>
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
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<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small></p>
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<p><br>
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SEINFELD Episode no. 136 "The Soul Mate" (Original air date
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26 Sept 1996)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Directed by Andy Ackerman. Written by Peter Mehlman.<br>
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<br>
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Guest stars: Wayne Knight (Newman)<br>
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Bruce Davison (Wyck)<br>
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Tim DeKay (Kevin)<br>
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Lisa Mende (Carol)<br>
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Kim Myers (Pam)<br>
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Rende Rae Norman (Ms. Baines)<br>
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Tommy Hicks (Mr. Cross)<br>
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Jill Tailey (Gail)<br>
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Jill Holder (Lisa)<br>
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<br>
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Opening scene - George at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: You want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace?!<br>
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<br>
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WYCK: Well, we think it would be a nice touch
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for the Foundation literature. Do you have a favorite poet, George?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I like, uh...<mutters something unintelligible under his breath.><br>
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<br>
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WYCK: Pardon?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: <mutters it again><br>
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<br>
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WYCK: Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the
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time of her unfortunate <clears his throat>...accident.<br>
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<br>
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<George looks at Wyck suspiciously.><br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
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New scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop later that day.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: He cleared his throat?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Yes!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: So?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: He did it right as he said "her unfortunate accident."
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<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Not getting it.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he
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thinks I killed Susan!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh, help me, Rhonda.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: What time is it?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY (looks at his watch): 1:15.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Right now?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I gotta go meet Pam.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?<br>
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<br>
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|
JERRY: Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga.<br>
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<br>
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|
GEORGE: Where's Elaine?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have
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kids now?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: What's with all these people having babies?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Perpetuation of the species. <br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Yeah! Right!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: By the way, just for the record -<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: No, I did not! <They exit the coffee shop.><br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Commercial break.<br>
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<br>
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New scene - Elaine at her apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa.<br>
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<br>
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CAROL: ...but because it comes out of your baby, it smells good!<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Well, that's...that's sweet.<br>
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<br>
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GAIL: Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.<br>
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<br>
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CAROL: Elaine, you gotta have a baby!<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney
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|
Greengrass the other day...<br>
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<br>
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LISA: Elaine. Move to Long Island and have a baby already.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I really like the city.<br>
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|
<br>
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CAROL: The city's a toilet. When's the last time you saw my little Adam?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Uh, it was in the Hamptons.<br>
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|
<br>
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CAROL: Oh! I have pictures!<br>
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|
<br>
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ELAINE: No, no, that's okay, it's uh...<br>
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<br>
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|
CAROL (shows Elaine and the girls pictures of Adam): Look at him! Just
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|
look at him!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<Elaine is revolted by the sight of "breathtaking" little
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Adam.><br>
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and George walking down the street after leaving Monk's.<br>
|
|
<br>
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JERRY: So, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had
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the other day...<br>
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<br>
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|
GEORGE: Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: You know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try
|
|
the old Jerry Lewis trick?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Jerry Lewis?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully
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|
leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes,
|
|
he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: That's pretty paranoid.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Yes, it is.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: I like it!<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: I thought you might.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Pam enters.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
PAM: Oh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer. <Kramer is smitten with Pam
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|
and grins goofily.> Jerry's told me a lot about you. <Kramer continues
|
|
grinning.> Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my day off. I work
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|
in a bookstore.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER (mouths the words): Books. <Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the
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|
counter.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
PAM: Oh, careful! <Jerry enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hi, sorry I'm late.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
PAM: That's okay. Kramer let me in. <br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: You know, if we rush, we can still make the movie.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
PAM: Okay. <Touches Kramer's hand> It was really nice meeting you.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched him,
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|
and makes a delighted noise.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Go on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Ah, yes. Forbidden love.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: She works in a book shop. Her name is Pam.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
NEWMAN: "Pam." I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite
|
|
fetching.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: I can't even speak in front of her. <Sits down on the couch.><br>
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|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Jerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry? <Walks in front
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|
of Kramer and trips over his feet.><br>
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|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: She has delicate beauty.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over
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|
the head.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: And yet, he's my friend.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that
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|
there is but one woman meant for each of us. One perfect angel for whom
|
|
we are put on this earth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Aw, that's beautiful, Newman.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
NEWMAN: One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary,
|
|
workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell.
|
|
For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty - whom I fear
|
|
I will never possess.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I thought we were talking about me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Right. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Confront Jerry? I can't.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
NEWMAN: You must!<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: I won't!<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
NEWMAN: You will!<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry, Elaine and George at a newsstand.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (to Jerry, imitating Carol): "Elaine, ya gotta have a baby."
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|
Ugh. <br>
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|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Where are all the poetry magazines?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: The New Yorker has poetry.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Yes. The New Yorker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: They're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some
|
|
kind of talent.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY: C'mon, you want to have a baby.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Why? Because I can? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine,
|
|
the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk.
|
|
You think you're any better?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, I'm sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: No, no, I think I agree with you. I mean, all this talk about having
|
|
babies.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, like you must procreate.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Besides, anyone can do it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, it's been done to death. <smiles><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George in another meeting at the Foundation. He has a briefcase
|
|
with a tape recorder in it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I, uh, should have a poem very soon now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WYCK: Are you okay, George?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, no, not really. Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days
|
|
and bad. <Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.> Some
|
|
days, I'm haunted by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking
|
|
those invitations? Why am I still here? Well, I gotta run. <Gets up
|
|
and leaves the meeting.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls inside
|
|
the briefcase.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to the Foundation meeting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WYCK: ...and the stock options for this year look quite, uh... <George
|
|
returns and retrieves the briefcase.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (apologetic): Briefcase. <Shrugs and exits.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine and Kevin at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So, Kevin. If I don't want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Not at all. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: 'Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you'll see that I'm a
|
|
pretty good humanitarian. <Waitress comes to the table and pours more
|
|
coffee.> You are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. <To
|
|
Kevin> Right? Am I right? <Kramer walks by.> Kramer. Kramer!
|
|
Come here, look at my new friend Kevin. <Kramer and Kevin shake hands.>
|
|
Oh, you got a little, uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (wipes chocolate off his face): Oh, I just had two double-fudge
|
|
sundaes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh. Are you alright?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, I'll be okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, no...that won't last.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What do you mean?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: He's not ga-ga.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George shows up at Jerry's apartment later that night with
|
|
the briefcase.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Lemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some
|
|
of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah!
|
|
<Notices that the briefcase is damaged.> Look at this - what the
|
|
hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: How long did you leave it up there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Five minutes. What the hell happened here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I have to rewind it first. <George presses the rewind button
|
|
on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as
|
|
it rewinds.> Alright, alright. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, "Did anyone
|
|
notice George's fingernails?" Then a female voice answering, "Oh
|
|
my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels." The male
|
|
voice remarks, "It's warm in here. Open a window." Then, "Hey!
|
|
What are you doing?" The female voice exclaims, "Dear God."
|
|
There's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Is that it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Stopped dead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What do you make of it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I don't know. <George sits down at the table. Kramer enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry. Uh, can we talk?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (to Kramer): Kinda busy here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Why can't I stay?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Because it doesn't concern you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. <Kramer grabs
|
|
the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes
|
|
the door.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So, what's on your mind?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It's Pam.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Pam? What about Pam?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I love her, Jerry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I love her! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
JERRY: Is that right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry
|
|
it in the pan.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What does that mean?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, and that voice! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What about her name?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. <Kramer sits on the couch.>
|
|
Pam. Pam. Pam!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: She's got really nice hair.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip
|
|
with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You've got really specific tastes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: She's got nice calves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Maybe I could, you're making some pretty good points.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No you can't, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: But I might. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, no you don't.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why not? The voice? The calves? The bacon? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I think I can! I even like the name! Pam!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (frantic): Huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Pam!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Pam!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Huh-yah! <Kramer loses it and runs out past George, who is
|
|
still sitting in the hallway on a chair.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: So now he wants her more than ever!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Blast!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What am I gonna do, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Don't despair, my friend. <Newman walks in front of Kramer
|
|
and trips over his feet. Again.> I won't allow your love to go unrequited.
|
|
Not like mine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What, again with you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of
|
|
textures...and moments.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: If only I could say things like that around her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN (getting an idea): Yes...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine and George at the coffee shop listening to the briefcase
|
|
tape.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple...followed by
|
|
a metallic 'squink'...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: ...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It's baffling, isn't it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, one question does come to mind. Have you considered just...asking
|
|
them what happened to the briefcase?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: They would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably
|
|
think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. <Jerry
|
|
comes over to the table.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That Pam! I am ga-ga over her!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Ga-ga? When did that happen?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yesterday. Six-ish.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You just met the guy yesterday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, but we have a common goal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (happily): Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: And you really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, of course.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, please. He wouldn't say that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, "Pardon
|
|
my French."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right
|
|
to my thighs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my
|
|
family.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer and Newman in an aisle at the bookstore where Pam works.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: With your looks and my words, we'll have built the perfect beast.
|
|
<Kramer claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the
|
|
aisle to talk to Pam.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Oh, hi! Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN (whispers through the bookcase): Hi. How are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hi. How are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: I'm great.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: I too am well.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I too am well.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Do I smell Pantene?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Do I smell?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Pantene!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Uh, Pantene. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with
|
|
my junk mail.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (talks rapidly in an attempt to keep up with Newman): Well, there
|
|
really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday
|
|
card, but...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN (frantic): ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as
|
|
their precious little greeting cards...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Newman! <Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: That's so true.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Shell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He embibed her glistening
|
|
spell...just before the other shoe...fell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Kramer, that is so lovely.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Oh, what's his name?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Newman. <On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Elaine, you've changed my life.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and
|
|
it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if
|
|
you mean it or not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: I got a vasectomy this morning.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
ELAINE: Although, I have a hunch you mean it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry talking with Pam at the bookstore.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this
|
|
relationship. Really happy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Oh. Well, that's um...<clears her throat>...nice. <Jerry
|
|
looks suspicious. Pam turns around and Jerry notices her tortoise clip
|
|
has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY's brain: A velvet scrunchie!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Kramer!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry approaching his apartment door. He meets Newman coming
|
|
out of Kramer's place.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hello, Newman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry. How's Pam?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Pam? What do you care? <Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying
|
|
a Brentano's bookstore bag.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Well, ta-ta! <Scampers away.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Wait a minute! <A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing
|
|
Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches
|
|
up with him in the hallway on another floor.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, Newman! This is it! <Shoves him against the wall.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN (sweating): Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your
|
|
cool at a time like this. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got. <Newman
|
|
giggles nervously. Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling is choked
|
|
off.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (rolls his eyes): C'mon. <They exit.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and Newman in Newman's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I can't believe I'm losing Pam!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I thought we were talking about me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Anyway, I don't need your help. <Turns to leave.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that
|
|
beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up
|
|
your inane "observations"?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling
|
|
the strings for Kramer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: Well, there is a little something you can do for me...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: C'mon, out with it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: It's about...Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Elaine? What does she have to - <notices Newman looking up at
|
|
him longlingly.> Oh no...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN: You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can
|
|
use!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (shrugs): Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids. <Newman
|
|
considers the implications of this.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I know, I don't want...<clears her throat>...kids.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: What was that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is a
|
|
hundred percent.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: This is! Oh boy, I always do this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Oh, I get all jazzed up about something and I go way to far with
|
|
it. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin' TV and I saw one of those
|
|
jet-skis. $4000 later and it's sitting in my garage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause I'm sort of the same
|
|
way. I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all
|
|
these strands hanging in my face all the time...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Sometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe a lot of kids!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Yeah! I think I like short hair. Really short.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Yeah!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's kitchen. George has brought over
|
|
a model of the conference room at the Foundation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: When did you build this thing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yesterday, took the day off. <Picks up a red Power Ranger action
|
|
figure from the model and pretends it's him.> Now, from the time I
|
|
left the room...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (points at the Power Ranger): Wait, that's you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (picks up a yellow M&M toy from the model): I really think the
|
|
M&M should be you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (grabs the M&M away from Jerry): Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever
|
|
caused the damage...<drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model>...was
|
|
jarring enough to completely stop the tape.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: And?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Okay. That's what we know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: But we already knew that. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Just give me some idea of what you think it could be.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I don't know if you're ready for it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic
|
|
process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have
|
|
never - <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. <The
|
|
door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.> Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
VOICE ON SPEAKER: It's Pam.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: C'mon up. <To George> Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I'm not through here, Jerry. <Picks up the model of the conference
|
|
room.> I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion.
|
|
The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. <Pam enters, George leaves.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: What was that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: We were just playin.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uh huh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Well, the thing is, I uh...I think I have a little crush on him.
|
|
<Kramer slides in the door on his knees.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I'm so happy! My world suddenly has meaning!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (to Pam): This is the man you have a crush on?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Well, I have feelings for both of you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: How can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why can't I be a soul mate?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, you really think that Pam would want you to be the father
|
|
of her children?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PAM: Children? Who said anything about children? I don't want to have
|
|
children.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.><br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George back at the conference room at the Foundation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: There are some people in this room who would have been very happy
|
|
to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think
|
|
they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let
|
|
me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this
|
|
brain! And this tape recorder.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WYCK: George...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You'll have your turn! The truth must be heard. <Plays back
|
|
the tape.> That's all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low
|
|
rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear
|
|
God!" Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WYCK: George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he lost his balance and
|
|
dropped it...it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason,
|
|
contained a running tape recorder?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom of that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and Newman in the office of Bernard Wendroff, M.D. -
|
|
urologist. Elaine and Kevin enter. Elaine has cut her hair short.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What are you guys doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: We're getting vasectomies.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEWMAN (to Elaine): I'm doing it for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (to Elaine): What'd you do to your hair?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I cut it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It's a little short.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KEVIN: Y'think?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (to Kevin): What are you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY and NEWMAN: Reversed?! <Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors
|
|
office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Jerry
|
|
and Newman look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George reading the poem for Susan at the Foundation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: ...he embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WYCK: Is that a Keats poem?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. <Smiles, pats his briefcase
|
|
and exits.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WYCK: Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MR. CROSS: Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MS. BAINES: Of course he killed her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WYCK: So it's not just me, then. Alright! Back to business.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
End of episode.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 17, 2002.<br>
|
|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
|
|
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