1174 lines
46 KiB
HTML
1174 lines
46 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Stall</h1>
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SEINFELD SCRIPT by Daniel Khamsing (kboy@cryogen.com)</p>
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<p>76th episode</p>
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<p>Season 5, number 12</p>
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<p>Original broadcasting date: January 6, 1994</p>
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<p>Written by Larry Charles</p>
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<p>Directed by Tom Cherones </p>
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<p>regular cast:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry)</p>
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<p>Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine)</p>
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<p>Michael Richards (Kramer)</p>
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<p>Jason Alexander(George)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>guest starring:</p>
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<p>Jami Gertz (Jane)</p>
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<p>Dan Cortese (Tony)</p>
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<p>(the bathroom)</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>what a dope!</p>
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<p>uh..excuse me</p>
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<p>umm.. I'm sorry</p>
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<p>this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet
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paper over here</p>
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<p>JANE </p>
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<p>(from the stall on Elaine's right)</p>
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<p>are you talking to me?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>yeah.. I </p>
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<p>I just forgot to check</p>
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<p>so if you could just spare me some</p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>no I'm sorry</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>what?</p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>no I'm sorry, I can't spare it</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>you can't spare it??</p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>no there's not enough to spare</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it</p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares?? </p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one
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ply, one, one </p>
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<p>puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply</p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and
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leaving)</p>
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<p>Elaine</p>
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<p>no no, no no, don't don't, I beg you</p>
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<p>(the movie theater)</p>
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<p>JERRY </p>
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<p>(eating pop corn)</p>
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<p>hmm I love this artificial flavoring</p>
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<p>I like it better than butter</p>
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<p>I think it's more consistent </p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>what? </p>
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<p>(offering pop corn to Jane)</p>
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<p>(elsewhere in the same theater)</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>hey</p>
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<p>TONY</p>
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<p>hey</p>
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<p>hey? where is my popcorn babe?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>what?</p>
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<p>TONY</p>
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<p>my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn</p>
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<p>what? would you forget about me babe?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be
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covered.. I </p>
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<p>simply could not spare it</p>
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<p>this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>she wouldn't stop</p>
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<p>"help me! help me!"</p>
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<p>she was *insane*</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>I was begging her</p>
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<p>"please! please!" </p>
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<p>she was *insane*</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>who do you think she is? how dare she?</p>
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<p>you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old
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ladies </p>
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<p>walking around with flashlights anymore</p>
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<p>we'd flush her out</p>
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<p>JANE</p>
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<p>I don't know what she looks like</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her</p>
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<p>she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with
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his new </p>
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<p>girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like</p>
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<p>TONY</p>
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<p>hey? you think if I jumped off this balcony I'd get hurt?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>(Jerry's apt.)</p>
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<p>(Jerry's at his computer)</p>
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<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>hey </p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>hey</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>what's the matter with yours?</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>huh.. my batteries are dead</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>hey it's not one of those 976 calls, is it?</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>why do you do that?</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>oh... (get in the bedroom)</p>
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<p>(Elaine enters)</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>I am never going back to the movies again</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>yeah</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>hey hey (fooling around with his collar)</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>yeah, all right ok</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>that's nice. Listen, listen to this</p>
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<p>I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>huh huh</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>no what?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>toilet paper</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>oh.. whoa..</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses!
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ho ho</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>well maybe she couldn't spare it</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>a square?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>well, you know, sometimes a square is everything</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>a ply?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean
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it's like </p>
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<p>asking for someone's canteen in the desert</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>yeah</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>it's battle conditions</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>yeah, well</p>
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<p>I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget
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that flinty </p>
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<p>voice, it is *tattooed* in my brain</p>
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<p>if I hear it, watch out</p>
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<p>So listen what happened with Jane last night?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>oh.. Jane she huh.. she huh..</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>the 4 of us are going out Saturday right? hat should be fun</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>yeah that should be real fun</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>yeah</p>
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<p>(Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone)</p>
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<p>WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE</p>
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<p>then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that
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Andre?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Andre? </p>
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<p>(Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine)</p>
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<p>KRAMER (on the phone)</p>
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<p>what about the driver? we could get an accident</p>
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<p>WOMAN</p>
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<p>so what?</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>oh that wouldn't be very good</p>
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<p>JERRY </p>
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<p>(on the phone)</p>
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<p>hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>what is going on? what.. who is Andre?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer
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walks out </p>
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<p>of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on
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my phone</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like
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this woman </p>
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<p>Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call
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her, the </p>
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<p>voice she uses..</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar
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to me</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>hey, you're hungry? Monk's?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>no I gotta go downtown</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>yeah</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>so listen, what happened last night with Jane?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>(Jerry's car)</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that
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freezer</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I know, I just can't bring myself to do it</p>
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<p>meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles)</p>
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<p>(Elaine looks at her watch)</p>
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<p>oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>hey you got a problem with Tony?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>ok Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked
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like</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>of course you would</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Elaine</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>what?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>it's different for a man</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>huh?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>we're expected to be superficial</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>I'm not being superficial</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man</p>
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<p>he just happened to have a perfect face</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>and that's why you're going out with him</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>no it is not</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>you know, I think George has a non sexual crush on him</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>I think he does too</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George
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is like a </p>
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<p>school girl around him</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>(Monk's)</p>
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<p>TONY</p>
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<p>so I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off"</p>
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<p>(Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>"step off"?</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>yeah</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>you said "step off"?</p>
|
|
<p>wow, that is too much</p>
|
|
<p>hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony)</p>
|
|
<p>Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what
|
|
it is?</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>no</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>bowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is
|
|
crazy time </p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk
|
|
about a rush, </p>
|
|
<p>you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll
|
|
make some </p>
|
|
<p>sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>what.. whatever</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>alright alright, I gotta buy some bread</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>cool, so what do you say we climb a rock manyana (tomorrow in spanish)?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>huh.. maana? huh maana might.. huh maana might be a problem,
|
|
I'm supposed </p>
|
|
<p>to have huh a boil lanced maana. Huh you know I think they charge
|
|
me if I </p>
|
|
<p>cancel with only one maana's notice (Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>hey Kramer</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>hey </p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing maana?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>maana I'm doing nada</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>huh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>c'mon Kramer what do you say?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>I am down</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer</p>
|
|
<p>you down to it George? what's wrong?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>I am down!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing..
|
|
rock </p>
|
|
<p>climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine and Jerry
|
|
laughs)</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>alright alright</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like
|
|
his sidekick </p>
|
|
<p>now?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole
|
|
life. You </p>
|
|
<p>know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's
|
|
not afraid of </p>
|
|
<p>anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets
|
|
free pie! </p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>hey</p>
|
|
<p>EVERYBODY</p>
|
|
<p>hey</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>hey nice move today</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>what?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and
|
|
Tony</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: he asked me</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>you put him on the spot</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>you know I think you're in love with him</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>what?.. that's ridiculous!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>no no no, I don't think so. You love him</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're
|
|
not getting </p>
|
|
<p>any sandwiches either</p>
|
|
<p>(phone rings, Kramer answers)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>you're making sandwiches?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>hello</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>who?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>hates it</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>good thing I asked</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (to Kramer): who is it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>well she says Jane</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>yeah, so?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>did you say flinty?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>(on the rocks)</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer and George are hanging on a rock)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER </p>
|
|
<p>(singing)</p>
|
|
<p>yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo!</p>
|
|
<p>hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)</p>
|
|
<p>ECHO</p>
|
|
<p>hello</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>hey George, hear that?</p>
|
|
<p>(George is terrified)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>please please please, stop moving</p>
|
|
<p>that's all I'm asking..</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer!!</p>
|
|
<p>(George grabs Kramer's leg)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>let go, hey grab the rock</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>what rock?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>the rock</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>uh oh..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE </p>
|
|
<p>(sobbing)</p>
|
|
<p>yodel lay hee hoo..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER </p>
|
|
<p>(chanting)</p>
|
|
<p>yodel lay hee hoo</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE </p>
|
|
<p>(sobbing)</p>
|
|
<p>yodel lay hee hoo..</p>
|
|
<p>TONY </p>
|
|
<p>(voice from below)</p>
|
|
<p>George! Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>take the rope, thread it through the carabiner and knot it, and
|
|
I'll climb up </p>
|
|
<p>to where you are</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>hey George, you got anything to eat dude?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE </p>
|
|
<p>(taking it out of his jacket pocket)</p>
|
|
<p>yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony
|
|
because I know </p>
|
|
<p>you don't like peanut butter</p>
|
|
<p>(the ropes slides down)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>what?</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>dude aah.......</p>
|
|
<p>(George and Kramer look at each other)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE AND KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>ahh.....!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's)</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and Jane are eating)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>..can I have your napkin?</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>what?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>you napkin I'm dripping</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>well where is your napkin?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>I used it up</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>well I need mine</p>
|
|
<p>(looks at her watch)</p>
|
|
<p>oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>I told you already it's very boring</p>
|
|
<p>you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece
|
|
of gum</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>you're fine (goes to the bathroom)</p>
|
|
<p>(buzzer rings)</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>oh how does this thing work?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>just press it</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>it's Elaine</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>oh come on up</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY </p>
|
|
<p>(coming out from the bathroom)</p>
|
|
<p>who was it?</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>it's Elaine</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>oh..huh.. is she coming up? </p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>huh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better
|
|
take some gum. </p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>ok</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah</p>
|
|
<p>(Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now)</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>hmm</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>have some more, take a load</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>isn't it too much?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>trust me.. nah it's good</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>smell?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>yeah stinks, terrible</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine enters)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>hi Elaine</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>hi</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>this is Jane Elaine</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>hi, nice to meet you finally</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah me too</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>ok so I'll see you Saturday night</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Saturday night (she leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry shuts the door)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>what is with the gum?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>I know it's a big problem.. she puts like 4 pieces in her mouth,
|
|
it's </p>
|
|
<p>ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on
|
|
Saturday </p>
|
|
<p>night </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>because of the gum</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>well it's too much, it's embarrassing</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>why does she have to chew so many?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>she's one of those person, always have to be different</p>
|
|
<p>(on the other side of the door)</p>
|
|
<p>(whispering)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>she's there, I can hear her</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>alright, who's gonna tell her</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>huh you tell her</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>it was your fault</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen</p>
|
|
<p>(back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I
|
|
was the one who </p>
|
|
<p>was invited", Jerry opens the door)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>well</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>hey</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE AND KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>hey</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE </p>
|
|
<p>what are you doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>did you have fun</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE AND KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>yeah</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>for a little while</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>where's Tony?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>oh..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>huh..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer was supposed to tie a knot</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>did something happened?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Tony.. took a bit of a tumble</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>his face, did something happen to his face?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>he..he's alive</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>yeah</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>rock</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>some big rock</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>we rode along all the way to the hospital</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine rushes out)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>(Tony's)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>so huh, what did the doctors say?</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>the said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered
|
|
by bandages)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>but what else did they say</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars
|
|
or.. gross </p>
|
|
<p>deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple
|
|
of days, I </p>
|
|
<p>was on a lot of medications, it was kinda like haze, it's pretty
|
|
cool</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state,
|
|
um do u </p>
|
|
<p>recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>I don't know, I don't know</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>think Tony, think</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>I'm drawing a blank, babe</p>
|
|
<p>(knock on door)</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine gets it, it's George)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>this isn't a very good time George</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>step off George, I don't wanna see you</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>me? "step off"</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah, Tony says you better step off George</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I ..
|
|
I make such </p>
|
|
<p>delicious sandwiches Elaine</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>just beat it dude!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>here here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it
|
|
to Tony) </p>
|
|
<p>please, next time it will only be the 2 of us</p>
|
|
<p>TONY</p>
|
|
<p>there won't be any next time George</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>oh Tony don't</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>ok step off George, can u just step off?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>I I just.. but..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back)</p>
|
|
<p>George wait wait</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>yes?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>can you throw this trash out (closes the door)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's)</p>
|
|
<p>(Jane is giving Jerry a massage)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>I've been waiting a while for this.</p>
|
|
<p>You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be
|
|
able to get </p>
|
|
<p>together on Saturday night</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>that is too bad, what a shame</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>well maybe he's feeling better</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>yeah without a doubt, I'm down</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>hey</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer) </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>well hello Jane</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER </p>
|
|
<p>(very quickly)</p>
|
|
<p>oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before
|
|
on the </p>
|
|
<p>phone, alright I'll see you later buddy</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>wait, where are you going? where are you going?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>uptown, to the ?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>what about the driver?</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>what are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>alright I changed my mind, yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go
|
|
now</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>well ok I'll see you later, nice meeting you</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>what's with you?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>that's her</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>who?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Erika, she's Erika</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's
|
|
her</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>oh you're crazy</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>it's impossible</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>is it? or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>it can't be</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around
|
|
you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>alright that's enough</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>yeaaaaah!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>(Monk's)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>what?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>you know (acts like a monster)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were
|
|
just dating, </p>
|
|
<p>it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>oh I though you didn't care about his looks</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>I lied</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>aha</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo,
|
|
you know even </p>
|
|
<p>if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him,
|
|
maybe in some </p>
|
|
<p>final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love
|
|
really is. </p>
|
|
<p>You know Jerry</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over
|
|
there?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah, yeah</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>hey Kramer</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>what's all set?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>how's you get her to meet here?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>I don't know, we have a certain chemistry</p>
|
|
<p>(Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table,
|
|
smiling)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>oh my god</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>hi I thought I'd find you here</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>hello.. Erika</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>Erika? what are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>how can u say things like that over the phone?</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>what are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>selling sexual pleasure over the phone?</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>I sell paper goods you jerk</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>paper goods?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>excuse me, do you have a tissue?</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine realizes)</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>(the bathroom)</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>oh damn</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>something.. wrong?</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>yeah there's no toilet paper out here, I usually check but would
|
|
you mind?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't
|
|
spare a </p>
|
|
<p>square</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>wait a minute, I know you</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>that's right honey, and I know you!</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine gets out and she has 2 rolls of toilet paper)</p>
|
|
<p>JANE</p>
|
|
<p>no, no, no!!!</p>
|
|
<p>(she's out of the bathroom now, very satisfied, and walks towards
|
|
Jerry and </p>
|
|
<p>gives him the rolls)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: here, take it</p>
|
|
<p>JANE </p>
|
|
<p>(walks out of the bathroom, very furious) (to Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>don't call me anymore</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands)</p>
|
|
<p>(Jane walks by Kramer and turns back)</p>
|
|
<p>JANE </p>
|
|
<p>(to Kramer, in a very sensual voice)</p>
|
|
<p>you either </p>
|
|
<p>(sticks her tongue out :9)</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouth open)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>=========================================================================</p>
|
|
<p><Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
|
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