746 lines
39 KiB
HTML
746 lines
39 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Statue</h1>
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Written by: Larry Charles<br>
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Directed by: Tom Cherones<br>
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Broadcasted: April 11, 1991 for the first time.<br>
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Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,<br>
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Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael D. Conway (as Ray), and
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Nurit Koppel (as Rava).</p>
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<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently,
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and I don't know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because
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it's really not a definite thing yet. Well, I will tell you what I know
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so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that
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I've received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable
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prizes. Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. It's very
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nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know
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I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am
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among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what
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annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with
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that, "You may have already won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes
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company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the
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truth one time. Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost!"
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You turn it over, giant printing, "Not even close!" You open
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it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "Even we cannot
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believe how badly you've done in this contest."</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(George is reading the paper. Kramer and Jerry both try to enter carrying
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a large carton with the name Seinfeld on it)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Trying to get the box through the door. To Kramer) To the right.
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(They get it through)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That took awhile.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Don't get up.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'd like to help, but my neck..</p>
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<p>(The set the box on the table)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So how long has it been in the basement?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my
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parents in Florida, but they didn't want it. They told me to get rid of
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it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it's been
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sitting down there for three years.. until he saw it. (To Kramer) Alright,
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so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here.</p>
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<p>(They open the box, and start going through it)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What's in it?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Pulls out some socks) You want these? Knee socks. You don't
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wear knee socks.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, go ahead. (Looks around his apartment) Look at this place.
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I can't wait to get it cleaned.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I know someone who'll do it. She's good. She's honest.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, Elaine got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend
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goes to Columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Students can't clean. It's anathema. (Jerry's confused) ..They
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don't like it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?</p>
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<p>(Kramer pulls a statue out of the box)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Now this, I like.</p>
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<p>(George's eyes light up when he sees the statue)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Wait a second. I can't believe this! Let me see this.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Getting possesive) Wait, wait, wait..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Let me just see it.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Come on..</p>
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<p>(The both grab it)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Let me just see it for a second. Oh my God, it's exactly the
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same!</p>
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<p>JERRY: What?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue
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on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and
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I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park",
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and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again,"
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and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like
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I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was
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the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father
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naked.</p>
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<p>(George grips the statue, but Kramer wont let go. They start to fight
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for it)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: C'mon, George. I saw it first.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, Kramer. I have to have this statue.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, I got dibs!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon, give it!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Stepping in) Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why don't
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you just settle it like mature adults?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Potato man!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, no, no potato man.. Inka-dink.</p>
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<p>(Kramer and George both visibly add up in their heads to see who would
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lose if Inka-Dink was the way to go)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Okay.. start with me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, good, good.</p>
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<p>(Jerry begins the childish choosing game of Inka-dink, pointing alternately
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between Kramer and George with every syllable)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Inka-dink, a bottle of ink. The cork fell out, and you stink.
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Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean - just because you
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kissed the girl behind the magazine.. (He lands on Kramer, then completes
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the rhyme) And you are it! (Lands on George)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no,
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oh, oh, okay. He's out. I get it.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, no, no, no.. I'm "it". I win.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, he's it. He wins. "It" is good.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Do over - start with him.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.</p>
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<p>(Kramer tosses the statue to George)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright, you can have it. Okay, I'm gonna take the suit, and
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the shoes, and the hat.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Alright, c'mon. Let's go.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, I'll look like Joe Friday in Dragnet. (Hums out the theme
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song)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (In shock) I can't believe I won at Inka-dink.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Come on, let's go. (They go to the door. George sets the statue
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down) Aren't you gonna take it?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, no, no, I don't want to carry it around all night. I'll pick
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it up later.</p>
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<p>GOERGE: (To Kramer) What about your stuff?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, uh, well - okay. (Balls up the clothes he just got, and throws
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them into his apartment, and leaves)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Alright, let's go. Hey, you know, you owe me one.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
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<p>JERRY: The Inka-dink.. you were "It".</p>
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<p>GEORGE: "It"'s bad?</p>
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<p>JERRY: "It" very bad.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>RAVA: Well, if they don't let you be my editor on this book, I'll go
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to another publisher. It's that simple.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You told them that?</p>
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<p>RAVA: Of course.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: This is so fantastic. I don't know how to thank you.</p>
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<p>(Jerry enters for the bedroom carrying luggage)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Frantic) So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much
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longer. I've got a flight.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, probably caught in traffic.</p>
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<p>RAVA: (Serious) Or maybe he's dead.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Joking) So what do you write, children's books?</p>
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<p>(There's a knock at the door)</p>
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<p>RAVA: That's Ray.</p>
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<p>(Ray enters with cleaning gear)</p>
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<p>RAY: Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness.
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My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend..
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And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to
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serve you. (Bows)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Taken aback) ..Alright.</p>
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<p>RAVA: And we have to get back to work. (She exits with Elaine)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Rushed) I gotta get to the airport.</p>
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<p>RAY: Your place shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save
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arrival, Sire.</p>
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<p>JERRY: The toilet brush is under the sink.. (Exits)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: Night club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because
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there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know,
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you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "I'm
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really sorry about this. I don't know why I let that stuff over there."
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And that's why I could never be a maid, because I'd have an attitude.
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I'd find them, whereever they are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you
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couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you
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couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?"</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>JERRY: He really did an amazing job, look! He uncoagulated the top of
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the dishwashing liquid. (Opens refrigerator) He cleaned out the bottom
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of the little egg cups. Come here, look at this. (Gets on his knees) He
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cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter.
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How did he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: There's no Rubber Man.</p>
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<p>JERRY: ..Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man
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and Plastic Man.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'm leaving.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Where are you going?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: To Rava's house. I've gotta pick up her manuscript.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Wait. I'll go with you. (They both go tward the door. Jerry opens
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it) Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole! (The leave)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)<br>
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[Setting: Rava's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry, Elaine, and Rava sit in the living room)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (To Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. He's the editor-in-chief!
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I think because of your request..</p>
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<p>RAVA: Demand. (The sound of locks being unlocked can be heard) There's
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Ray.. late as usual.</p>
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<p>(Ray enters)</p>
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<p>RAY: Well, this is an unexpected surprise - and Delight! The once and
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future king of comedy, "Jerry the First," gracing our humble
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abode. Rava, we're in the presence of royalty.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>JERRY: Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that
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apartment.</p>
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<p>RAY: But I didn't just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony,
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a celebration of life.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Joking about his personality) Shouldn't you be out on a ledge
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somewhere?</p>
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<p>(They all laugh - Ray laughs longer than everyone else. Jerry savors
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the laughs of his big fan - then he sees George's statue on the mantle
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of the fireplace. He's stunned by the sight)</p>
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<p>RAVA: The water is boiling. Are you having tea?</p>
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<p>ELAINE AND RAY: Yes.</p>
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<p>(Jerry's still stunned)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Jerry? ..Jerry!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Snaps out of it) What?</p>
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<p>RAVA: (From the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand?</p>
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<p>RAY: Yeah, I'm coming!</p>
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<p>(He leaves. As soon as both Rava and Ray are in the kitchen, Jerry and
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Elaine start talking in loud whispers)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Points to the statue) I think that's the statue from my house.
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That looks like the statue from my house!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What statue?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I had a statue!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You have a statue? I never saw a statue.</p>
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<p>JERRY: My grandfather gave me a statue!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Since when?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This
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guy ripped me off!</p>
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<p>(Ray pops his head back into the living room)</p>
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<p>RAY: Do you take sugar?</p>
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<p>JERRY AND ELAINE: Uhh.. no.</p>
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<p>(Ray goes back into the kitchen)</p>
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<p>JERRY: I can't believe it! This guy ripped me off!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Do you realize what you're saying?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of
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my house!</p>
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<p>(Ray pops in again)</p>
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<p>RAY: Lemon?</p>
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<p>JERRY AND ELAINE: (Causual) Uh.. sure, yeah..</p>
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<p>(Ray goes back into the kitchen)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Are you sure?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ninety-nine percent sure?!</p>
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<p>(Ray and Rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea)</p>
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<p>RAY: Ah, sweet elixir. It's fragrant nectar - a soothing balm for the
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soul.</p>
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<p>(Jerry smells it suspiciously - like it's poisoned. A ding from the kitchen
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can be heard)</p>
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<p>RAY: The pastries!</p>
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<p>(Ray and Rava exit in different directions)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe it's just a coincidence.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment and then, just by coincidence,
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he has the same exact statue in his apartment.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I never saw the statue.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I had a statue! What should I do?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't know.</p>
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<p>JERRY: ..I'll call Kramer. He can check my house. (Grabs the phone, and
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dials)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh Jerry, don't blow this for me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Don't worry.. (Whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!.. It's
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Jerry!.. Jerry! .. from next door!.. Never mind where I am!.. Yes, Jerry
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Seinfeld!.. (Rava enters with a manuscript. Jerry starts talking casually)</p>
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<p>Jerry: Ma, I told ya, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right
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in the pan. Okay, bye. (Hangs up) My mother.. She forgot how to make French
|
|
Toast. You know how mothers are.</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. He
|
|
ever heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.</p>
|
|
<p>(A long beat passes)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: My mom's down in Florida.. she's go one of those condos.. Hot
|
|
down there in the summer. You ever been down there?</p>
|
|
<p>(Ray enters with a tray of pastries)</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the
|
|
pastries were the food of the gods.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ..Listen, I just remembered.. I'm ..uh, getting a facial.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Takes the manuscript) Oh, see you tomarrow morning.</p>
|
|
<p>(They go to leave)</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Oh, how about dinner?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers. (They leave)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (On the phone) Uh huh.. yeah.. Okay, thanks anyway. Bye. (Hangs
|
|
up) Nope, the cop says it's my word against his. There's nothing they
|
|
can do.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Let's go get him.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, right.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: We can't just let him get away with this.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this?
|
|
He knew I was gonna know it's missing, and he took it! And of all things
|
|
to take - I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You wanta go get him?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, then, if he's crazy you should just forget it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect
|
|
the surprise of a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted potatoes!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: George, do you realize that Rava's asked me to edit her book?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Who is this Rava?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I say we get him.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Let me just call him.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'll call him. (Picks up the cordless phone. Kramer, George, and
|
|
Elaine all struggle for control of the other - so they can listen in on
|
|
the conversation. As Jerry's talking, the three others still fight) Hello,
|
|
Ray? ..Hi, Ray, this is Rava's friend, Elaine's frined, Jerry.. The King
|
|
of Comedy.. right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one
|
|
with the blue lady? (To Kramer and George) Will you shut up?! (To Ray)
|
|
Yeah, you don't want to talk about it over the phone? You don't want Rava
|
|
to hear? ..Yeah, I understand.. You know that coffee shop near my house,
|
|
Monk's? ..Alright, tomarrow. One o' clock. Great, okay, bye. (Hangs up)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Scrambling) Alright, look, look, look, Let's say he stole it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, he stole it?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: C'mon, you can't do anything about it. The cops won't do anything.
|
|
What, are you going to fight him? Why don't you just.. forget it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY AND GEORGE: No.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry sits alone. In the next booth to Jerry's back, George is sitting
|
|
inconspicuously)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To Jerry, without looking at him) I thought you said one o'
|
|
clock.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Relax, he's late. He's always late. It's part of his "M.O."</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Remember, don't take any crap.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, yeah.. don't worry about it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'll be right here.</p>
|
|
<p>(Ray enters)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) That's comforting.. Shh. He's here. (Greeting him)
|
|
Ray?</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: (Stands next to the table) Oh, Jerry. I can't believe you asked
|
|
me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you could've got me
|
|
into?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ..Well, I didn't..</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got
|
|
the statue.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Muttering to himself) I wonder why.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, just give it back, and I won't say anything.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Give it back?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Muttering) What is he talking about..</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: I'm talking about the statue.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, me too.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Give it back to whom?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Me.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To himself) Yeah, him.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: You?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Me.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: I'm not getting this.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To himself) You already got it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house - and then
|
|
I saw it in your house.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: What are you saying?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What am I saying?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To himself) Take a wild guess.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Are you saying I stole your statue?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To himself) What a mind.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I..</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: I can't believe what I'm hearing.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I can't believe what I'm hearing.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to himself) I can't believe what I'm hearing.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: For your information, I got that statue at a pawn shop.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To Himself) A pawn shop?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: A pawn shop?</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people's apartments.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To himself) And cleaning them out.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry elbows George - a message to shut up)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, excuse me.. Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To himself) Again with the Rava.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: You want her.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Joking) No, she's a little too cheery for me.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: (Losing it) She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do
|
|
you understand?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know Finland. They're neutral.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I actually find you quite charming.. a bit verbose at times.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Mocking) "Oh, I find you so charming" ..You wuss.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To George) Did you call me a wuss?</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: What did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I said luss.. I'm at a luss..</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That's not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table
|
|
in anger) You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately,
|
|
the guy retired and moved to Singapore.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Muttering to himself) Singapore?! Do you hear this?</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore aand
|
|
have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGGE: That's it! That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore!
|
|
(Gets up, turns around, and confronts Ray) You stole the statue! You're
|
|
a theif! You're a liar!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Pleading) George.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: (To Jerry) Who is this?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is.. guilty!</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: What's going on here?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: GUILTY!</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Your friend is crazy.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, I'm crazy!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Still pleading) George, george..</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: I've got to get going. I have a class.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal.
|
|
I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record
|
|
of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar!</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>RAY: Well, that's because I'm registered under my full legal name, Raymond
|
|
Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You mean alias.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: You are starting to make me angry.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, that was bound to happen!</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: (To Jerry) I hope you think about what you've done here today..
|
|
and if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me. (Goes
|
|
to leave)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, Ray.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: (Stops) Yes?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid?
|
|
It was like a brand-new nozzle!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Pendant publishing]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine and Rava are waiting for an elevator)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Nervous?</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: Why should I be?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah. Right.</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: Your notes are very insightful.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: The book is great. Did you go out last night?</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: They all are..</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: Was Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I can't remember..</p>
|
|
<p>(Doors open. They step in)</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, well, I'm staying out of this one. This is between them.
|
|
I am not getting involved.</p>
|
|
<p>(The doors close. Scene cuts to moments later, on another floor. The
|
|
doors open)</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: (Annoyed) So you think he stole it?!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, you have to admit.. the circumstantial evidence.</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: I admit nothing!</p>
|
|
<p>(The doors close. Scene cuts to the inside of the elevator)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Will you put that cigarette out, please?</p>
|
|
<p>(Rava ignores him)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gon and
|
|
it's in your apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: Maybe you think we're in cahoots.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, no.. but it is quite a coincidence.</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: Yes, that's all, a coincidence!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: A big coincidence.</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, that's a big coincidence.</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and
|
|
big coincidences!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, there are degrees of coincidences.</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: No, there are only coincidences! ..Ask anyone! (Enraged, she asks
|
|
everone in the elevator) Are there big coincidences and small coincidences,
|
|
or just coincidences? (Silent) ..Well?! Well?!..</p>
|
|
<p>(Everyone just kinda shrugs, then murmurs. The doors open)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Will you put that cigarette out?!</p>
|
|
<p>RAVA: (Pointing the lit end at him) Maybe I put it out on your face!
|
|
(To Elaine) It's just like Ray said - you and Jerry are jealous of our
|
|
love. You're trying to destroy us.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?</p>
|
|
<p>(The doors close. Scene cuts to another floor. The elevator is empty
|
|
except for Elaine. There's a janitor's cart parked right outside the doors.
|
|
She steps out, then throws the manuscript into the garbage can of the
|
|
cart, and exits)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (On the phone) Ma, will you stop?.. It's just a statue! How is
|
|
it my fault?! ..It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time.. Okay,
|
|
fine. I don't se why this should affect to potatoes! Okay. Goodbye. (Hangs
|
|
up) She doesn't react to disappointement very well.. unlike me.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm not happy about this.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: There's just no justice. This experience has changed me. It's
|
|
made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Casually) Sure. Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel
|
|
of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Can't you talk to your boss?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I did. He loves Rava.. worse.. he loves Ray, and he doesn't think
|
|
you're funny at all.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm not happy about this.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the
|
|
next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh
|
|
brand of justice..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah.. He'll have my parents!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Rava and Ray's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Ray's home alone. There's a knock at the door)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Police! Open up!</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Police? (Opens the door a crack - Kramer barges in like a cop. He's
|
|
wearing Jerry's grandfather's suit and hat. He forces Ray against the
|
|
wall - face first)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Freeze, mother!</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Hey..</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! (Looks around) You're
|
|
in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods..
|
|
and uh, uh.. murder.</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Murder?!</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer shoves him against the wall)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: I think you have me confused with somebody else.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Afraid he's got the wrong guy) Is your name Ray?</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Assured) Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for. (Grabs the statue
|
|
from the mantle, and puts it in his bag)</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Hey, hey, are you a cop?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! Today's
|
|
your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any
|
|
more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?</p>
|
|
<p>RAY: Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Good. Good. Let's keep it that way. (Exits)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer guides Jerry, Elaine, and George into the apartment)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, alright. What's the big hubbub, bub?</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag. He places
|
|
it on the table, and reveals the statue)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, what did you do?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. (Giddily)
|
|
I.. I.. I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how to thank you!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I'll think of something.. (Slaps George on the back - sending
|
|
the statue crashing to the ground)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)<br>
|
|
[Setting: Night club]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But,
|
|
everybody has their own little personal security things - things that
|
|
they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? ..You
|
|
go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's
|
|
gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?
|
|
I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the
|
|
toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move
|
|
on.</p>
|
|
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
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}
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</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|