1274 lines
49 KiB
HTML
1274 lines
49 KiB
HTML
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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Written by: Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Matt Goldman<br>
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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Episode no. 27<br>
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pc: 209, season 3, episode 10<br>
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Broadcast date: November 27, 1991<br>
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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The Cast<br>
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<br>
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Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars:<br>
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<br>
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Susan Diol....................... Audrey<br>
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Michael Chiklis.................. Steve<br>
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Teri Austin...................... Ava<br>
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Bobbi Jo Lathan.................. Jenny<br>
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Gwen Shepherd.................... Cashier<br>
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Dwayne Kennedy................... Frank<br>
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Marcia Firesten.................. Jenny<br>
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Michael Milhoan.................. Security Guard<br>
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John Putch....................... Roy<br>
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Melissa Weil..................... Gwen<br>
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Ellen Ratner..................... Ellen<br>
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Frank Piazza..................... Cop<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening monologue<br>
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<br>
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So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication.
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You<br>
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ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a
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wall. It's an<br>
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entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright,<br>
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alright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting, but
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this is long<br>
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lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?"
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It's a tough question. <br>
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And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's
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wrong<br>
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with the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the problems
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that he's<br>
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having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which
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is usually this<br>
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guy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public.
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And he's<br>
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always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through
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him<br>
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or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking
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him. <br>
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I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?"
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"Yes I am." "Are<br>
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you having any lightning with the pain?"<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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First scene.<br>
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Jerry and George are in a drug store.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: How did you get fleas?<br>
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<br>
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George: Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside
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and they<br>
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got in his carpet.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar.<br>
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<br>
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George: That's not funny. So, are you coming to the party?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation.
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The<br>
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whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the
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way out from<br>
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Manhattan for this?"<br>
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<br>
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George: You know Ava's gonna be there.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Who?<br>
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<br>
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George: The nice one that works in my office.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Nah.<br>
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<br>
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George: I'll drive.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Oh, well, now you're talking.<br>
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<br>
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George: It's supposed to be a good party.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What does that mean, good dip?<br>
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<br>
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George: No, there'll be girls there.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: There's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment,
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there's girls in<br>
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the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?<br>
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<br>
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George: There's a hundred different things here. What's the
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difference between<br>
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these two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients)
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You got<br>
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propylparabin?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Got it.<br>
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<br>
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George: You got isobutane-30?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I got isobutane-20.<br>
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<br>
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|
George: A-ha.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: You got sorbitant sesquioliate?<br>
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<br>
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George: Got it.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I have aloe!<br>
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<br>
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George: You got aloe? I love aloe.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Where do they make yours?<br>
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<br>
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George: Jersey.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: White Plains.<br>
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<br>
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|
George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White
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|
Plains" box from Jerry<br>
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|
and they go to the check out counter. Two women are standing at
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the magazine<br>
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|
rack in the background.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Girls. There's girls right here in the store.
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Look, look, there's one<br>
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over there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside
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there'll be<br>
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girls out there. What's the matter?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten.<br>
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<br>
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|
Jerry: Are you sure? Oh boy, here we go.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George (to the cashier): Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill
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and you<br>
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only actually gave me change for a ten.<br>
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|
<br>
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Cashier: You gave me a ten.<br>
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|
<br>
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George: I'm positive I gave you a twenty.<br>
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<br>
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Cashier: I know what you gave me.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: You owe me ten dollars.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cashier: Will you please step aside? Next?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second.
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|
Who, in this<br>
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|
situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access
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|
to my<br>
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|
wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you--<br>
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<br>
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|
Cashier: You.<br>
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<br>
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George: No, no, no, see you're not really listening.<br>
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<br>
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|
Security Guard: What's the problem here?<br>
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<br>
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|
George: No problem. There's no problem. She just owes
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me ten dollars, that's<br>
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|
all.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cashier: He's claiming short.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Security Guard: Alright, let's just take it outside.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh, so you don't believe me either?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Come on, let's go.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George: You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you
|
|
haven't won. Do<br>
|
|
you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not
|
|
forgetting what's<br>
|
|
happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back.
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|
Alright, don't<br>
|
|
worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye.
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|
I will be back.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door .<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: No, let's survey first. Camp here.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George (waving): Eva.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
A beautiful woman starts walking over.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean,
|
|
to have a bunch of<br>
|
|
strangers treat your house like a hotel room.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ava: So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh no you didn't. Get out, when?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Ava: Yesterday<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: I don't believe it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ava: Ask Mark.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George: Mark, is this true?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
A man across the room nods. George and Ava walk towards him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been
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|
out of my<br>
|
|
mind.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight.
|
|
In case one of us<br>
|
|
gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble
|
|
so<br>
|
|
the other one can get us out of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: How old are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Thirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout this?
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|
Chicken wing? No, no,<br>
|
|
no, I got a better one. Head patting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Whatever you want.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Guy: You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, yeah I did.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: So what do you do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (Patting his head): I'm a comedian.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you
|
|
get your material?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (still Patting): I hear a voice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: What kind of voice?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a
|
|
translator.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: How come you keep tapping your head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and patting
|
|
her head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver.
|
|
The man<br>
|
|
devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion
|
|
for<br>
|
|
something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'. She's still tapping madly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, me too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is
|
|
a legume.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to George, now talking with Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: How's it going?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Great, how about you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't
|
|
taken her hands off<br>
|
|
me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that
|
|
was it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: How do you account for this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, she obviously liked you all along.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell
|
|
when a woman likes<br>
|
|
me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture
|
|
me, I<br>
|
|
wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't
|
|
like them,<br>
|
|
then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at
|
|
me, he must<br>
|
|
have something going for him."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Anyway, I'm ready to go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Now?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: If not now, when?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Gimme a half-hour.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Okay, half-hour.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'. By now, she's weary from tapping.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Guy: Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (interrupting): Can I talk to you for a second?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with Jerry)
|
|
What have you been doing,<br>
|
|
I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, I was dying over there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: This guy's going off on the peanut. Now pay attention.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ellen: Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club. You talk about
|
|
a lot of every<br>
|
|
day things, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ellen: Yeah, I remember you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting on the
|
|
couch<br>
|
|
near a pretentious woman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Woman: I wonder what happened to my fianc. I know he's here
|
|
somewhere. <br>
|
|
Ellen? Have you seen my fianc?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ellen: He's upstairs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Woman: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fianc I'm looking
|
|
for him. I have<br>
|
|
lost my fianc, the poor baby.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Woman: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: The dingo ate your baby!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to George and Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You ready?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I do favors.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I think something's happening here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I think she wants me to take her home.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Wow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What should I do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Go! What could you do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What about you and Elaine?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We'll get a ride.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Are you sure?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We'll be fine, what did she say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down
|
|
the stairs<br>
|
|
passes) She told me she wants me to make love to her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What? She said that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Get out of here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I swear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What did you say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I, I, I can't.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What did you say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Please, it's--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I... I... I long for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I long for you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It's okay, that's not bad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's
|
|
intimidating. <br>
|
|
The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What
|
|
am I, in the circus? <br>
|
|
What if I can't deliver?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, come on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never
|
|
play anything for<br>
|
|
money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my
|
|
office, can you<br>
|
|
imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe
|
|
I should<br>
|
|
cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: George, you're thinking too much.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I know, I know, I can't stop it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Elaine, talking with yet another guy on the couch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (walking up): Pendant? Those bastards.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Excuse me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go
|
|
now?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Uh, no, he's taking the car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You don't know?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him
|
|
take the car?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mid-episode monologue<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly
|
|
have an<br>
|
|
opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each
|
|
other<br>
|
|
ever in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter
|
|
how important the<br>
|
|
arrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a space shuttle<br>
|
|
mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the
|
|
launch<br>
|
|
pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket
|
|
talking to her,<br>
|
|
"So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for some
|
|
Tang?"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (noticing Ava in a fur): Oh look at that. Look at what
|
|
she's wearing. <br>
|
|
You see what she's wearing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I can't believe she's walking around in that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Just don't make a scene.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Hey, is that real fur?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh boy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Eva: It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah, good night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being
|
|
tortured so<br>
|
|
that you can look good?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Could we talk about this some other time?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ava: Are you a vegetarian?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Here we go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ava: So you're a hypocrite.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. Anyway-<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ava: Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Fish don't feel any pain.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ava: How do you know? Do you communicate with fish?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, they're not kept in little cages.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ava: Ever seen a goldfish?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Goldfish.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ava: Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and
|
|
get flushed down<br>
|
|
the toilet, that's a good life. (To George) Let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you
|
|
can run over a<br>
|
|
squirrel!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: That's why we're here in America.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You're beautiful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Call Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright. (Approaches host) Excuse me, this is your
|
|
party, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: No, I just live here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Can I use your phone?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: What's in it for me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: A bigger bill?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: He he, go for it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry picks up the phone and dials.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Krame? Sein. What are you doing? Well,
|
|
I'm stuck out here on Long<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure?
|
|
Okay, but don't<br>
|
|
leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to several hours later. The party has ended. The hosts,
|
|
Steve and Jenny,<br>
|
|
are cleaning up, Elaine and Jerry are still there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You sure you don't need any help?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenny: No, not really.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm sure he'll be here any minute.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenny (To Steve): I want them out of here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Call him again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate
|
|
this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenny (To Steve): It's two o'clock in the morning.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (noticing a coffee table book): Oh, you got the Civil War
|
|
book. I saw<br>
|
|
some of that show, it was wonderful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Six hundred and twenty million people died.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Thousand.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The
|
|
horror, the horror. <br>
|
|
(To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure
|
|
you gave him the<br>
|
|
right directions?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's nothing we
|
|
can do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenny: No! (To Steve) I am not going to bed with them
|
|
in out house, this is<br>
|
|
ridiculous.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You know a friend of my father's used to live right around
|
|
here. Mike<br>
|
|
Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones?
|
|
You could bend them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they
|
|
used to for<br>
|
|
some reason.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenny: You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, he's coming.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenny: Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: That's him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jenny: I'm going to bed!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Thanks a lot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Thanks, great party.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve answers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey, how ya doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Ah, look who's here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I'm sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, it's okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I had the directions on the seat right next to me, they
|
|
flew out the<br>
|
|
window.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Then how did you find the place?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and
|
|
I thought that<br>
|
|
the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around knocking
|
|
on<br>
|
|
everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo.
|
|
<br>
|
|
Finally, I hit it. 8173.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really
|
|
owe you<br>
|
|
one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: No problem.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come
|
|
to a comedy<br>
|
|
club, whatever.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Hey, I might take you up on that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (writing): Here's my address and number. And really,
|
|
thanks again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (to Elaine): You better zip up. I couldn't get the
|
|
top on the<br>
|
|
convertible up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: But it's cold out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry's at his apartment, talking on the phone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too.
|
|
Eighty miles an hour,<br>
|
|
forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah,
|
|
maybe I will<br>
|
|
get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first.
|
|
Okay, meet me down<br>
|
|
there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's.
|
|
Okay bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the door. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Who is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Mr. Pocatello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Who?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: You mean you don't recognize my voice?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry opens the door. Steve steps in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Jerry, baby!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Do I know you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Boy this comedy's really frying your brain.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm sorry, uh-<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: You said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You certainly are. What's going on?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't
|
|
be ready until<br>
|
|
eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see what
|
|
it was like<br>
|
|
to hang out with someone in show business.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet
|
|
a friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, really, I just got off the phone with him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: I understand.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Look, you can hang out here if you want.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Don't be so enthusiastic.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, it's-<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: I'm not gonna steal anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, of course not, just close the door when you leave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: I think I can do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Really, I'm sorry. Maybe another time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Yeah. Let's have lunch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at the drug store.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: They guy's in my house right now. What a mistake that
|
|
party was, I<br>
|
|
never should have gone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah, me either.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, come on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
George: What come on? Have you ever dated a woman that worked
|
|
in your office?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I've never had a job.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what
|
|
I have every day<br>
|
|
now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work,
|
|
she was a<br>
|
|
friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to
|
|
talk to her. <br>
|
|
Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan
|
|
little patter. <br>
|
|
I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office
|
|
and analyze<br>
|
|
how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom
|
|
for the<br>
|
|
rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people,
|
|
they're all<br>
|
|
so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to go
|
|
back there<br>
|
|
again.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What are you gonna do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I have no choice, I'm quitting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV. Kramer
|
|
walks in<br>
|
|
and it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: The party, Long Island?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Kramer, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey, what are you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: I'm waiting for my ride.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Where's Jerry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: He split. Let me ask you something. Is there
|
|
anything to drink in here<br>
|
|
or is that, like, a stupid question?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. (Sensing Steve's<br>
|
|
disappointment) Well, but I might have something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore. Jerry is selecting
|
|
medication.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright, I'm gonna get this. This looks good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: How much is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Nine sixty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Nine sixty? Give it to me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Don't worry, I got it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What do you mean, you got it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I got it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Since when are you treating me to medicine? What are
|
|
you doing? You're<br>
|
|
stealing this, aren't you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'm not stealing it. They owe me ten dollars.
|
|
They stole from me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You're a lunatic.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I have to do this, it's a matter of honor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What do you say to a person like you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Just walk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A security guard approaches George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Scuse me. What do you got there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: What do you got in your shirt?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh, I was gonna pay for this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard (grabbing George by the elbow and walking him to the counter):
|
|
<br>
|
|
Come with me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (nervous): Where are you taking me? I was gonna pay
|
|
for it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cashier: um-hmm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: You don't think I remember you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (more nervous): What are you talking about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: I know who you are, I was watching you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (panicky): What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call
|
|
the police?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked. Kramer is
|
|
in the middle<br>
|
|
of a story.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming
|
|
at the<br>
|
|
top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two
|
|
of them<br>
|
|
turned brown! Well I followed the instructions!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They both erupt in raucous laughter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve (hysterical): Ah, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the laughter
|
|
winds down) <br>
|
|
So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Not really.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Maybe we should call one of those escort services.
|
|
I saw one of them<br>
|
|
advertised before on the cable station.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (handing Steve the phone) 555-LOVE.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Hey, you want in on this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: No, I got a girl in the next building<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry is outside his apartment door, as he puts in the key, he hears a
|
|
woman's<br>
|
|
voice from inside.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't leaving until I
|
|
get it. Now I<br>
|
|
am through playing games with you, I got things to do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve (drunk and slurring): Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's
|
|
here, it's Jerry<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What the hell?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Jerry, this is Patti.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Nice to meet you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Patti: It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What the hell is going on here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: I don't know, but I gotta do this more often. (The
|
|
buzzer goes off) <br>
|
|
Ooh, there's my ride, finally.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Patti: I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: See ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call
|
|
him tomorrow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, Kramer huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve: Yeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my dear. (trying
|
|
to kiss Patti's hand<br>
|
|
as she pulls it away) Ouch. (To Jerry) Weekend of the
|
|
26th, come on out,<br>
|
|
we're having another party.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Steve walks out, leaving the front door open.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Patti: I ain't leaving.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Patti?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Patti: You got anything to drink?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright, how much does he owe you?<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Patti: Fifty dollars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly):
|
|
Fifty dollars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cop: This your apartment?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, but--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cop: You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Wait a second, I--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine walks in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I brought you chicken soup. (To Patti) Is that
|
|
real fur?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (and the cop, in unison): Oh boy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment, watching TV and eating pizza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You had Sgt. Chadway? Me too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: He was a nice guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh, great guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Was there a red-headed guy there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: The one with the long sideburns?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Where does he come off?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, I know. There's no call for that kind of attitude.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, we all hated him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Closing monologue.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor.
|
|
You can measure<br>
|
|
the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask
|
|
you to 'do<br>
|
|
me a favor.' Small favor, small pause. Can you do me a favor,
|
|
hand me that<br>
|
|
pencil? No pause at all. Big favors are, 'Could you do me
|
|
a favor...' (huge<br>
|
|
pause, followed by closing credits.) </p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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