818 lines
39 KiB
HTML
818 lines
39 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Switch</h1>
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Sheree North [ Babs Kramer ]</p>
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<p>Gail Strickland [ Landis ]</p>
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<p>Charlotte Lewis [ Nina ]</p>
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<p>Jann Karam [ Sandi ]</p>
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<p>Terry Sweeney [ Keith ]</p>
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<p>Heather Medway [ Laura ]</p>
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<p>Clive Rosengren [ Mr. Clotworthy ]</p>
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<p>Jacqueline M. Houston [ Lorraine]</p>
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<p>Cheryl Francis Harrington [ Waitress ]</p>
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<p>Tish Smiley [ Woman ]</p>
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<p>Broadcast on: 5 Jan 95 </p>
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<p>Written by: Bruce Kirschbaum and Sam Kass </p>
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<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman </p>
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<p>Transcribed by The News Guy (Mike) with files from Andy MacAskill.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Opening Monologue]</p>
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<p>Tennis is the only sport where the uniform is what you'd wear under your<br />
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clothes in any other sport. You're actually out there in your underwear. Unless<br />
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in the old days, you know, they would wear those long pants and the big heavy<br />
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sweaters. How long did it take them to get over that? We're out here in the hot<br />
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sun, running around after a ball. What exactly are we all dressed up for? Maybe<br />
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that's why they started keeping score like that. "Point? You know what? Make it<br />
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15. I'm dying in this sweater here!". "Oh, another one got by me? Take another 10<br />
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points. Let's just get this over with!".</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club</p>
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<p>JERRY: Come on. Lets go</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No wait, I gotta go in here and pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis
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recquet.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's it doin here?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk) Here I need to
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pick that up</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>LANDIS: Hello</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, Hi.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: Jocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed you for a
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position</p>
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<p>a couple of months ago.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they giggle)</p>
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<p>LANDIS: I was watching you play </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, I'm not very good.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: No. You exhibited a lot of grace out there.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Really? Grace?</p>
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<p>LANDIS: Yes. So have you found anything yet?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Uh, no. Not really.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: You know you should keep in touch. Something may be opening
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</p>
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<p>up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline? </p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Newman plays tennis?</p>
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<p>JERRY: He's fantastic.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: Would you mind if I tried this out? </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Uh, no ... take it.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: How will you get it back?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Um, I could come by your office and pick it up tomorrow.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: That's so generous of you.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Thanks</p>
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<p>JERRY: You loaned her Pitt's racquet?</p>
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<p>E What could I do? She said there might be something for me at
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Doubleday. </p>
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<p>Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt
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anymore.</p>
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<p>SANDY: I gotta get going.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. It's easier to jump
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over the net.</p>
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<p>SANDY: (nods silently)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Bye</p>
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<p>JERRY: Bye bye</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Have you noticed she never laughs</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hm, really?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah</p>
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<p>Kramer and George on street</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Check that out (showing newspaper)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Whoa, you're dating this woman? </p>
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<p>GEORGE: That's right.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: George, you're becoming one of the gliterratti </p>
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<p>GEORGE: What's that.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ya' know, people who glitter. She's a slim gal.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: And the amazing thing is she eats like there's no tomorra'.
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</p>
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<p>I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything.
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</p>
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<p>I don't know how she does it.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Maybe she's bulimic</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Wa?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Bulimic, </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Kramer, she's a model.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Exactly</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I have noticed she does tend to go to the bathroom right
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after</p>
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<p>we finish eating.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: There you go monkey boy.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Pepperdella's Restaurant</p>
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<p>NINA: Mmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't you hungry?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Just enjoying watching you.</p>
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<p>Other restaurant</p>
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<p>SANDY: So did you like the movie?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to
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me.</p>
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<p>I missed the sport jacket.</p>
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<p>SANDY: (nods silently)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't
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fit him </p>
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<p>that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer.
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</p>
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<p>It shows at least he's making an effort.</p>
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<p>SANDY: (nods silently) That's funny.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm glad you enjoyed it.</p>
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<p>Pepperdella's Restaurant </p>
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<p>NINA: Oh, I'm so full.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes, full. I love to be full ... love to sit back, loosen
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the</p>
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<p>old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their
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work.</p>
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<p>NINA: Will you excuse me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Where you going?</p>
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<p>NINA: I just need to freshen up.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're fresh (grabs her arm) You're very fresh. You seem</p>
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<p>very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher.
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</p>
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<p>NINA: George I need to freshen., George, George, George ...</p>
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<p>Jerry's Apartment</p>
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<p>JERRY: It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing
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off her</p>
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<p>like superman.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: See, what did I tell ya?</p>
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<p>JERRY: And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh.
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She</p>
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<p>says, "That's funny." ... That's funny!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when
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I can</p>
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<p>pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's
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like ...</p>
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<p>well it's like something!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss. Landis there please.</p>
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<p>Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to
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Jerry) </p>
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<p>This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad.</p>
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<p>George enters</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, I heard a noise.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What noise?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You know, .. blah ...</p>
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<p>JERRY: What blah?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: From the bathroom.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, you think she was refunding?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating
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</p>
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<p>she's runnin to the bathroom.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: So you're concerned.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals.
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</p>
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<p>It's like throwing money down the toilet.</p>
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<p>JERRY: In a manner of speaking.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. Y'know what
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</p>
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<p>would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that
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could tell me.</p>
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<p>Kramer enters.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Here's your scrubber back.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Thanks.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those women that hand out
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the </p>
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<p>towels in the powder room.</p>
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<p>JERRY: A matron?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah</p>
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<p>Kramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking.</p>
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<p>JERRY: uh, well I can't help you there (weakly).</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Wha?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Nothin'</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You know a matron?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Me?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Kramer, </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, now look, just leave me alone.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, what is it?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, don't, don't make me</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Wha?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, I can't, all right I can't ... </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Who?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: ... My mother's a matron!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Babs? </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, there, all right I said it there.. Ya' satisfied?
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Anything else you </p>
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<p>want to know?</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>GEORGE: Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Look, George, I can't help ya, all right.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why not? Why not?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: let me go. let me go. Because I haven't talked to my mother
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in five</p>
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<p>years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into
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my childhood. </p>
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<p>I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Come on, Kramer.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I can't I can't</p>
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<p>JERRY: Kramer you're going to have to face her some time </p>
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<p>KRAMER: (mumbles) b'd b'd</p>
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<p>Doubleday offices</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness. What happened?</p>
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<p>LANDIS: I tore my umeral epicondilitist</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh</p>
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<p>LANDIS: My doctor said it might never fully heal. I may never play
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again. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, you'll be playing ...</p>
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<p>LANDIS: If I can't play tennis I don't know what I'll do.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: There are plenty of things you can do, there's chess and
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uh uh mah jong, </p>
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<p>LANDIS: You don't know how lucky you are to be healthy ...</p>
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<p>ELAINE: ... and biking and ..</p>
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<p>LANDIS: What am I going to do?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: ... hiking ...</p>
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<p>LANDIS: (wimpers) </p>
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<p>ELAINE: (sees racquet) Could I ...</p>
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<p>LANDIS: If I can't play tennis I have no reason to live .. (cries)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (sees racquet), You know it's not important I'm gonna,
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ok, well, you know.</p>
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<p>Take care of that condolitis</p>
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<p>Restaurant Woman's Powder Room</p>
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<p>Kramer and George enter</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ma?</p>
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<p>BABS: Cosmo!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Cosmo?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry's apartment</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why didn't you just ask her for it?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I told you I couldn't. The woman was crying about how she
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might never </p>
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<p>play tennis again</p>
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<p>Buzzer</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey di ho</p>
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<p>JERRY: C'mon up.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So when do you have to get the racquet back to Mr. Pitt?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: augh, he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy</p>
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<p>JERRY: He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: He'll only play with his racquet</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch
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hour and just</p>
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<p>take it?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: That's stealing?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Stealing? You loaned her the racquet!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I know.</p>
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<p>George enters</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey oh.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: JERRY: Hey</p>
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<p>JERRY: So what happened with Kramer's mother?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday
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at the restaurant</p>
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<p>where Babs works.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's she like?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened
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to pick up </p>
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<p>another juicy little nugget about our friend.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ah, I'm ready what?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What is it?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I uh got the first name.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You found out Kramer's first name?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That's right. You ready? </p>
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<p>JERRY: We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What
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|
is it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Cosmo</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: JERRY: Cosmo?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Cosmo</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: JERRY: Cosmo</p>
|
|
<p>- all laugh -</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Cosmo, Cosmo?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What's so funny? ... wha?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: COSMO?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a ..
|
|
out of the bag.</p>
|
|
<p>J; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping
|
|
it a secret all these</p>
|
|
<p>years.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's not such a bad name.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well you know all my life I've been running away from that
|
|
name. </p>
|
|
<p>That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about
|
|
it. All this time</p>
|
|
<p>I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm
|
|
Cosmo Jerry. </p>
|
|
<p>I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's
|
|
who</p>
|
|
<p>I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!</p>
|
|
<p>X's apartment</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Yes?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hi, is Sandy here?</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the shower. Do you want
|
|
to come in?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I would except I forgot to bring a towel.</p>
|
|
<p>LAURA: (laughs nicely)</p>
|
|
<p>Monks</p>
|
|
<p>{Jerry starts.}</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So the roommate laughed at everything I said.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Wow.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine--none
|
|
of</p>
|
|
<p>those big coarse "ha's." You know those?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hate the big coarse "ha." Hate those.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: And the worst part of course is that she also possessed
|
|
many of the</p>
|
|
<p>other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I see.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my
|
|
advice to you</p>
|
|
<p>is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention</p>
|
|
<p>this to anyone again.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Can't be done, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The Switch?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: "The Switch."</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Can't be done.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I wonder.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization
|
|
no one has</p>
|
|
<p>successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages
|
|
you</p>
|
|
<p>could get locked up for even suggesting it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and</p>
|
|
<p>1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it
|
|
with or without</p>
|
|
<p>you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this,
|
|
let's</p>
|
|
<p>get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get
|
|
on</p>
|
|
<p>board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right, dammit, I'm in.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I couldn't do it without you.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right. Let's get to work.</p>
|
|
<p>{Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after
|
|
we've</p>
|
|
<p>seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the
|
|
sidewalks</p>
|
|
<p>of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their</p>
|
|
<p>discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.}</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some
|
|
sleep. I'll see</p>
|
|
<p>you first thing in the morning.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible!
|
|
It's true! You</p>
|
|
<p>can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid
|
|
idea to</p>
|
|
<p>begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's</p>
|
|
<p>that!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: We'll come up with something.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, sure we will.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right. See you tomorrow. {George sighs, exits.}</p>
|
|
<p>{Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.}</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!</p>
|
|
<p>{Commercial, then "third scene,"The boys are finishing
|
|
pizza and beer.</p>
|
|
<p>George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got
|
|
it. (Be</p>
|
|
<p>sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.)}</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right. Let's go over it again, one more time.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a mnage
|
|
trois with her</p>
|
|
<p>and her roommate.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's right.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged
|
|
effect.</p>
|
|
<p>Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil
|
|
in</p>
|
|
<p>disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the</p>
|
|
<p>premises.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Keep going.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the
|
|
roommate to</p>
|
|
<p>apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Continue.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy
|
|
even as</p>
|
|
<p>part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion
|
|
in</p>
|
|
<p>the unusual request.</p>
|
|
<p>{George takes over.}</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy
|
|
is known to</p>
|
|
<p>be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with
|
|
a little</p>
|
|
<p>playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>to a friendly dinner is proffered.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw
|
|
in it:</p>
|
|
<p>They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's
|
|
back.</p>
|
|
<p>She's not gonna do that.</p>
|
|
<p>{Another pregnant pause. George?}</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do
|
|
with you. She</p>
|
|
<p>tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert,
|
|
that's</p>
|
|
<p>your problem."</p>
|
|
<p>{Final pause. Jerry?}</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: {George, finger in the peanut butter jar}: This is what
|
|
I do.</p>
|
|
<p>Doubleday</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet.</p>
|
|
<p>KEITH: Can I help you?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Uh, no, I'm OK.</p>
|
|
<p>KEITH: Well then what are you doing with that racquet?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed it.</p>
|
|
<p>KEITH: Well, I'm sorry you can't take that, no no no..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's my racquet.</p>
|
|
<p>KEITH: Look sweetheart I don't know who you are. I don't know what
|
|
you're doing</p>
|
|
<p>here. But...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: All right. I'm going I'm going</p>
|
|
<p>KEITH: Not with ...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Give it give it ..</p>
|
|
<p>KEITH: Leave ...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: All right all right forget it. You don't have to mention
|
|
any of this to </p>
|
|
<p>Miss. Landis do you?</p>
|
|
<p>KEITH: I don't have to but I will.</p>
|
|
<p>Street</p>
|
|
<p>Babs and Kramer</p>
|
|
<p>CLOTWORTHY: Morning Cosmo</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hi Mr. Clotworthy</p>
|
|
<p>CLOTWORTHY: How are you today?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.</p>
|
|
<p>LANDIS: Hi Cosmo</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: My mom Babs.</p>
|
|
<p>LANDIS: Hi Mrs. Kramer</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: Lorraine</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes, It's a fine day</p>
|
|
<p>Unseen: (Larry David's voice) What do you say Cosmo?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, everything my man.</p>
|
|
<p>Sandy's apartment</p>
|
|
<p>Sandy: What:</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe
|
|
its</p>
|
|
<p>Manage A Trois.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDY: Oooo, that is a wild idea </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh?</p>
|
|
<p>Monks</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer and Babs</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You ma, know I've been thinking. I want you to quit that
|
|
matron job.</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: Yes, well isn't that just easy for you to say. What the hell
|
|
do you think </p>
|
|
<p>I'm going to do with myself?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well maybe we could go into business together. If you're
|
|
clean?</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: I've been clean for two years. Anyway what would we do together?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I've got plenty of ideas.</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: I've always believed in you Cosmo. You know that. So I want
|
|
you to </p>
|
|
<p>call that place today and tell then tha you're through.</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: All right. I'll do it.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Restaurant</p>
|
|
<p>George and Nina</p>
|
|
<p>NINA: Mmmm mm so good.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: ... so glad. </p>
|
|
<p>NINA: Will you excuse me I've got to freshen up.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay fresh</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: I'll be back. I'm not feeling very well.</p>
|
|
<p>Waitress: Care to see our dessert menu?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs?</p>
|
|
<p>Waitress: Oh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Babs left?</p>
|
|
<p>Waitress: She quit today.</p>
|
|
<p>George runs to bathroom and hears retching sounds.</p>
|
|
<p>George enters woman's bathroom</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE:Ah Ha.</p>
|
|
<p>NINA: What are you doing here George?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I was just wondering what it was you wanted for dessert.</p>
|
|
<p>Nina leaves - woman exits stall</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How 'ya feelin'?</p>
|
|
<p>Street</p>
|
|
<p>Newman and Babs</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: Hi Newman</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Hi Babs</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: What are you doin'</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Minding my own business.</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: You'll never get into trouble that way.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: What makes you think I'm lookin' for trouble?</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: From what I hear you postmen don't have to look too far.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it just has a way of</p>
|
|
<p>finding you. Cigarette?</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: Don't mind if I do.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Apoartment</p>
|
|
<p>George knocking on Kramer's door yelling Kramer...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens his door.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey</p>
|
|
<p>George enters</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What happened to Babs. She never showed up last night.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>The whole thing blew up in my face.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ah, that's a shame.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. </p>
|
|
<p>Did you call her? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No actually, she took it pretty well.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So what happened?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She's into it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Into what?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said</p>
|
|
<p>she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's unbelievable. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, it's a scene man.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that</p>
|
|
<p>you know me and have access to my dementia?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not
|
|
goin</p>
|
|
<p>to do it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by
|
|
accident.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different.
|
|
I'd have to</p>
|
|
<p>grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd
|
|
need a new</p>
|
|
<p>bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and
|
|
weirdo lighting.</p>
|
|
<p>I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.</p>
|
|
<p>... Naw, I'm not ready for it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: If only something like that could happen to me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I know.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, what happened? Did you get your racquet?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, I got caught.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What do you mean you got caught?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Her assistant caught me. And now I'm probably not going
|
|
to get a job. </p>
|
|
<p>He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I still don't understand how you can get in trouble for
|
|
taking your own </p>
|
|
<p>racquet.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match with Ethyl Kennedy
|
|
this afternoon.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hi Cosmo.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hi Cosmo</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Thanks man.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hum, but you've got the key to his place right?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. Just for today.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right all right. Come on I'll take you over to Newman's</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, Cosmo what happened to your mother last night. She
|
|
hung me </p>
|
|
<p>out to dry.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: She quit.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It would have been nice if someone told me about it. I
|
|
just think you </p>
|
|
<p>could have said something. That's all.</p>
|
|
<p>Trying to enter newman's apartment</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Don't talk to me George, talk to her.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well where is she?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>They enter Newman's apartment - Babs and Newman on the couch.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ma!</p>
|
|
<p>BABS: Cosmo!</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>The End
|
|
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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|
|
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|