1308 lines
51 KiB
HTML
1308 lines
51 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Trip (1)</h1>
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<br>
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[Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)]<br>
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<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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Written by: Larry Charles<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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Episode no. 41<br>
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pc: 401, season 4, episode 1<br>
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Broadcast date: August 12, 1992<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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The Cast<br>
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<br>
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Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars:<br>
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<br>
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Peter Murnik..................... Lt. Martel<br>
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Elmarie Wendel................... Helena<br>
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Debi A. Monahan.................. Chelsea<br>
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Ricky Dean Logan................. The Freak<br>
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Vaughn Armstrong................. Lt. Coleman<br>
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Keith Morrison................... Newscaster (Himself)<br>
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Manfred Melcher.................. Officer<br>
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Christopher Michael Moore........ Studio Guard<br>
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Dyana Ortelli.................... Chambermaid (Lupe)<br>
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Michael Gerard................... Receptionist<br>
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Fred Savage...................... Himself<br>
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George Wendt..................... Himself<br>
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Corbin Bernsen................... Himself<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening monologue.<br>
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<br>
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It's amazing to me that people will move thousands of miles away to
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another<br>
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city, they think nothing of it. They get on a plane, boom. They're
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there, they<br>
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live there now. Just, uh, I'm living over there. You know, pioneers,
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it took<br>
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years to cross the country. Now, people will move thousands of miles
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just for<br>
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one season. I don't think any pioneers did that, you know. Yeah, it
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took us a<br>
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decade to get there, and, uh, we stayed for the summer, it was nice,
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we had a<br>
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pool, the kids loved it, and then we left about ten years ago and
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|
we just got<br>
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back. We had a great summer, it took us 20 years and now our lives
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are over.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening scene.<br>
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George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop.<br>
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<br>
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George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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George: Are you sure?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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George: Murphy Brown, the TV show.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: C'mon, will ya?<br>
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<br>
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George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Something, isn't it?<br>
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<br>
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George: With Candace Bergen!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I know!<br>
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<br>
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George: I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Sure.<br>
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<br>
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George: Did she show her breasts in that?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: She's not really the naked type.<br>
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<br>
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George: I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go
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with him<br>
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to California.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: He did?<br>
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<br>
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George: Yeah, I turned him down.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: How come you didn't tell me?<br>
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<br>
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George: He asked me to keep it a secret.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: But you can never keep a secret.<br>
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<br>
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George: I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when
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Joni<br>
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Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a
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lid on that<br>
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for about 28 seconds.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Well, you've come a long way.<br>
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<br>
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George: I've matured.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come
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out and do<br>
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the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA.
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You wanna<br>
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go?<br>
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<br>
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George: A free ticket?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad
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about the<br>
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way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken
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back those<br>
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keys.<br>
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<br>
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George: What about accommodations?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: All taken care of.<br>
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<br>
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George: Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could
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I have<br>
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the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes.
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Gotta<br>
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get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication.
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|
Oh, do I<br>
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|
need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour?
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They have<br>
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that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
New scene.<br>
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|
Kramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working
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|
with<br>
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|
color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood
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|
connected to<br>
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the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all
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my lines<br>
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have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color.
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This way<br>
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I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette
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of<br>
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emotions.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Studio Guard: Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here?<br>
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|
<br>
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Kramer: Uh, did you?<br>
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<br>
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Studio Guard: C'mon, let's go.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Well, I was just--<br>
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|
<br>
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Studio Guard: Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, let's go.<br>
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|
<br>
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Kramer: Alright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an
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actor?<br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard practicing
|
|
in<br>
|
|
the background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call on the
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pay phone<br>
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|
in the hall.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Voice: Murphy Brown.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Voice: Who's calling please?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Dial tone.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind
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him) <br>
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|
Go ahead, it's all yours.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helena: Hello Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Helena: I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, that's only uh, 58 years.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Helena: It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played
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|
Mr. Sugarman's<br>
|
|
secretary, remember?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helena: No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby,
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|
the baby's<br>
|
|
been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Uh huh, right.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Helena: But, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made
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|
an awful<br>
|
|
mistake.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Right.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Helena: Moe hits Curly with an axe,<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Uh huh.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Helena: The Stooges catch the kidnappers,<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Right.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Helena: But it's too late.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Really.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helena: The baby's dead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Really?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Helena: The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Well I don't remember that part.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Helena: I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Helena: Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby
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|
and the<br>
|
|
Stooges being executed and all.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helena: Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store,
|
|
Kramer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I
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|
got a very<br>
|
|
big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment.
|
|
So, uh, I<br>
|
|
guess we'll have to make it another time, alright?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helene: Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you,
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|
they'll<br>
|
|
destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive
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|
like me,<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helena: I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer!
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases
|
|
and<br>
|
|
backpacks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What is this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I happen to dress based on mood.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there
|
|
are many<br>
|
|
subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect
|
|
the many<br>
|
|
moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: (referring to George's outfit): And what mood is this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: This is Morning Mist.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
A murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants
|
|
are talking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Coleman: What do you figure, 20? 21?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: Close enough.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Coleman: Forensics ought to be able to nail it down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: No ID?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Coleman: No ID.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: No witnesses?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Coleman: Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young thing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: She was. Not any more. Somebody saw to that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Coleman: Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What do you make of
|
|
it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: I don't know, but I don't like it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he
|
|
goes through<br>
|
|
real slow the machine won't detect him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these
|
|
things. I'm<br>
|
|
afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Just go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George braces himself and walks through the detector.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Heh he, I made it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks through and the machine beeps.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Empty your pockets please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine beeps
|
|
again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Walk through again please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets?
|
|
<br>
|
|
Rings? Anklets?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Anklets?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: A lot of men wear anklets.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Other Security Guard (to George): What do you have in your bag, sir?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: My bag?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Step over here please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Over here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Other Security Guard: Do you have a knife in the bag?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: A knife?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Other Security Guard: Open the bag, please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Other Security Guard: What's this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Moisturizer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Other Security Guard: Your wife?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No, I uh... I use it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Spread your arms and legs please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up and down
|
|
Jerry's<br>
|
|
body.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (facing the lengthening line behind him): Ladies and gentlemen,
|
|
I implore<br>
|
|
you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Other Security Guard: Have a good trip.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: Alright, go ahead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: That's it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Security Guard: That's it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I must have iron rich blood.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Here we go, LA.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: The Coast,<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Who said that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I called it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh no.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Monologue, Jerry on stage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America are
|
|
the people<br>
|
|
that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't
|
|
you hate<br>
|
|
these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people, look
|
|
out, cart<br>
|
|
people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants.
|
|
Oooh! <br>
|
|
It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the cart
|
|
people,<br>
|
|
Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're too
|
|
fat, slow<br>
|
|
and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for
|
|
air travel. <br>
|
|
The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving walkway
|
|
and<br>
|
|
then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no animated<br>
|
|
pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Stock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer
|
|
enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, I'm here for the audition.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Receptionist: Which audition, the music video, the horror movie, the
|
|
exercise<br>
|
|
tape or the infomercial?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Uh, let's see... well.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions
|
|
the<br>
|
|
receptionist mentioned.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition, exit
|
|
the<br>
|
|
casting office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You scream good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Chelsea: You too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Chelsea: So, can I keep this treatment?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Chelsea: 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections
|
|
with West<br>
|
|
German television money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Really.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Chelsea: Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me
|
|
on Eva Braun. <br>
|
|
I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about
|
|
Eva Braun,<br>
|
|
only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Um-hm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Chelsea: What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you
|
|
wear in a<br>
|
|
bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law?
|
|
I mean<br>
|
|
it could just go on and on...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't
|
|
look, don't<br>
|
|
look! It's Fred Savage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Chelsea: Big deal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime<br>
|
|
opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta
|
|
give him a<br>
|
|
copy of my treatment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Chelsea: Why are you breathing so hard?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew.
|
|
Wish me<br>
|
|
luck, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a table
|
|
nearby.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may
|
|
look<br>
|
|
weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to
|
|
make it in<br>
|
|
this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fred Savage: Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fred: Thanks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fred: That's ok. Relax, relax.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Ok, but I got this...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the table
|
|
collapses.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually
|
|
I'm very<br>
|
|
cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think
|
|
it's fate<br>
|
|
that you happened to be here at the same time as me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fred (a little frightened and backing away towards the door): Yeah,
|
|
its fate,<br>
|
|
you know, can't avoid your fate.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I got this treatment I think you'll be great in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fred: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So I'd like to give it to you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fred: Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (bumping into a lamp): Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves,
|
|
Kramer gives<br>
|
|
the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George,
|
|
how would<br>
|
|
you describe Kramer's hair?<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Curly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Wavy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What'd you ask me for?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper
|
|
I had on<br>
|
|
the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Nope.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: 'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly
|
|
worded just<br>
|
|
the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (from the bathroom): Hey, a shoe buffing machine!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry,
|
|
body<br>
|
|
lotion!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: About 6-3.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Ooh, a shower cap!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Coming.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George walks to the door wearing a shower cap.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Hello. I have more towels.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And
|
|
this is<br>
|
|
Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Lupe.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to
|
|
be making<br>
|
|
up the bed in the morning?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck
|
|
the<br>
|
|
blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Oh, yes, yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish
|
|
them and<br>
|
|
swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all
|
|
tucked in. <br>
|
|
I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed
|
|
up in the<br>
|
|
air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) Him too?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Excuse me, what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You want your blankets tucked in?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What blankets?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know, whatever they do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: I tuck in? Yes?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Tuck in, tuck in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Alright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be
|
|
easier if<br>
|
|
you didn't tuck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for
|
|
a no-tuck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (to Lupe): Two no-tucks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make
|
|
it a tuck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You just said you weren't tucking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know
|
|
where<br>
|
|
Kramer is anyway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand
|
|
here<br>
|
|
earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, okay, thanks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Bye-bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe: Bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Bye-bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lupe exits.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect
|
|
wording of a<br>
|
|
whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport,
|
|
I was gonna do<br>
|
|
it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night
|
|
table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left
|
|
it out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of
|
|
here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Alright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You shouldn't have tucked.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I like it tucked.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Nobody tucks anymore.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into his
|
|
car and drives<br>
|
|
off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police
|
|
office notices this<br>
|
|
and picks up one of the photos.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Another murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the body's
|
|
head,<br>
|
|
but we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's friend
|
|
from the<br>
|
|
auditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Officer: Hey, Lieutenant.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Officer: This was found on her person.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: On her person? What kind of expression is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Officer: I don't know, sir. Police lingo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: Oh yeah? What's your name, son.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Officer: Ross.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Officer: Yes sir.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: She's dead. Have you got that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Officer: Yes sir.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on
|
|
transit<br>
|
|
patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Officer: Yes sir.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The
|
|
Keys" A movie<br>
|
|
treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where Kramer's
|
|
first<br>
|
|
name was is missing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: I think we just caught a break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at the NBC studio.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who
|
|
else is on<br>
|
|
the show?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Might meet a celebrity.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I can't believe she threw out my napkin.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What are you worried about, you know it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You gonna be alright here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just
|
|
wander<br>
|
|
around.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen<br>
|
|
minutes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Go, go, go, don't worry about it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door. he stands
|
|
near<br>
|
|
George, obviously waiting for someone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: How ya doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Big fan! Big fan.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey, you grew a beard, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A.
|
|
Law.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: Really.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her
|
|
two or three<br>
|
|
weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So
|
|
at this<br>
|
|
time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips
|
|
my mind for a<br>
|
|
few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes
|
|
back into<br>
|
|
town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: So you killed the cat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: That's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It
|
|
died of<br>
|
|
natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her
|
|
a brand new<br>
|
|
cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm
|
|
not<br>
|
|
gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second
|
|
of all, I<br>
|
|
go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I
|
|
say, you show<br>
|
|
me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring
|
|
for a new<br>
|
|
cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell
|
|
out of here,<br>
|
|
and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great
|
|
case on<br>
|
|
L.A. Law?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen just stares at George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the same
|
|
hallway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I don't wanna tell you how to run your show.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt: Oh, of course not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: But really, it's enough with the bar already.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt: Yeah, well.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Seriously, have they though about changing the setting?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt: Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt: Well yeah, they do, heh heh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt (checking his watch, obviously uncomfortable): Yeah,
|
|
you oughta<br>
|
|
write one of those.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt: Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta...
|
|
uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: How's it going?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent<br>
|
|
conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation,
|
|
I was<br>
|
|
incredibly articulate!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You got toilet paper on your heel there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George looks down, Jerry walks away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
The Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Announcer: It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Tonight Jay welcomes
|
|
Corbin<br>
|
|
Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying
|
|
to give<br>
|
|
me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here,
|
|
right outside<br>
|
|
in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's
|
|
supposed to<br>
|
|
watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he forgets
|
|
to feed<br>
|
|
the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses
|
|
to get her a<br>
|
|
new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie
|
|
Becker to<br>
|
|
represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for L.A.
|
|
Law. <br>
|
|
Thanks a lot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helena: He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled,
|
|
strange. <br>
|
|
I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing abnormal
|
|
about<br>
|
|
that, I have many suitors.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt: It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still
|
|
get<br>
|
|
people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few
|
|
moments ago I<br>
|
|
ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should
|
|
think about,<br>
|
|
you know, not doing the show in a bar.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing besides
|
|
George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van Kramer
|
|
hitched a<br>
|
|
ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak'
|
|
is being questioned by<br>
|
|
the Lt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Freak: So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude. You ever
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
killed a man<br>
|
|
before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These
|
|
hands have been<br>
|
|
soaking in Ivory liquid?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt are
|
|
talking<br>
|
|
between takes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt: The guy you talked to, what did he look like?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: Short little bald guy with glasses.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Wendt: Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Corbin Bernsen: It never ends, does it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on
|
|
that little<br>
|
|
uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lt. Martel: Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up
|
|
this, uh,<br>
|
|
Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set,<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I was terrible.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What are you, crazy? You were fine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying
|
|
to<br>
|
|
say, that whole thing about the, uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Conveyor belt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report is being
|
|
broadcast.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TV Newscaster: Our top story tonight, there has been a break in the
|
|
so called<br>
|
|
'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the suspect
|
|
being<br>
|
|
sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<strong>TO BE CONTINUED.</strong><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Closing monologue.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left
|
|
in the show. <br>
|
|
You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time?
|
|
Are we out of<br>
|
|
time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's
|
|
the time? <br>
|
|
Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I
|
|
strangle this guy or<br>
|
|
are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating?
|
|
I'll tell<br>
|
|
you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come
|
|
back, I'll<br>
|
|
drive in the car real fast, stay with us."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
================================================================================<br>
|
|
*NOTE* I am not responsible for equipment damage due to reeeeally<br>
|
|
dumb children with no parental supervision, and access to a hammer.
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