653 lines
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653 lines
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<h1>The Understudy</h1>
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Transcribed by: The News Guy(Mike)</p>
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<p><em>Guest Stars</em></p>
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<p>Bette Midler [ Herself ], <br>
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June Kyoko Lu [ Ruby ], <br>
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Amy Hill [ Kim ], <br>
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Adelaide Miller [ Gennice ], <br>
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Bok Yun Chon [ Lotus ], <br>
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Vonnie C. Rhee [ Sunny ], <br>
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Craig Thomas [ Player #1 ], <br>
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Michael James McDonald [ Player #2 ], <br>
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Lou DiMaggio [ Stagehand ], <br>
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Jason Beck [ Umpire ], <br>
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Bob Shaw [ Cabbie ], <br>
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Johnny Silver [ Ice Cream Vendor #1 ], <br>
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William Bastiani [ Ice Cream Vendor #2 ] </p>
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<p><em>Broadcast:: 18 May <br>
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Written by:: Marjorie Gross & Carol Leifer <br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman</em></p>
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<p>[Music from the movie "Beaches" playing on TV in the background)…
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"You'll never know ….]</p>
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<p>Gennice: [Crying] (sob sob)</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself] Now what am I supposed to do here? Shall I go over
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there? It's not like somebody died. It's "Beaches" for god's
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sake. If she was sitting next to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't
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be making a big move like going all the way over there. I can't. I won't.
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</p>
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<p>[Next day, Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>Jerry: She calls me this morning and tells me she's upset I didn't console
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her. I mean it was "Beaches" for god's sake. What, what do you
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do in a situation like that? </p>
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<p>George: Where were you?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I was sitting on the chair. She was over here on the couch. </p>
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<p>George: Well you know, if you were sitting right next to her you'd have
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to console her no matter what. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Of course.</p>
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<p>George: When you're talking about a movie like "Beaches", moving
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from the chair to the couch , . . . that's quite a voyage.</p>
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<p>Jerry: yeah, </p>
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<p>[Kramer enters] </p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey.</p>
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<p>George: Hey. I gotta go.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Where you going? </p>
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<p>Jerry: The Improv is playing "Rochelle Rochelle" The musical.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Really? What is Bette Midler playing? Is she going to be there?
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</p>
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<p>Jerry: She might be. She's the star of the show. </p>
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<p>Kramer: Bette Midler is going to be in the park today? Yeeee. Jerry,
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don't tease me. </p>
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<p>George: I didn't know you were such a Bette Midler fan.</p>
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<p>Kramer: So maybe I'll go down there and watch, uh? She'll be there, ,maybe.</p>
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<p>George: Gennice palying today?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, maybe.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Who's Gennice?</p>
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<p>Jerry: That's the understudy. I'm dating her.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers
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of the theater world.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't have to avoid going back
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stage and having to think of something to say.</p>
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<p>George: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink. You
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know that's a real problem.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what?
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I doidn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The
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whole thing…real bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though. </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Ruby's Nail Parlor - Korean language in quotes ]</p>
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<p>Ruby: You late.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I know I know. I didn't have change for the bus and they don't
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give change in this city. So they threw me off the bus </p>
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<p>Ruby: "That's a shame". You'll have to wait for Lotus now.</p>
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<p>Elaine: How long do you think this will take. I have a millllioooon things
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to do.</p>
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<p>Ruby: "Mustn't keep the princess waiting. Princess in a big hurry."
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"No change for bus" "Poor princess."</p>
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<p>Elaine: What?, uh?</p>
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<p>Ruby: Nothing, won't be long.</p>
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<p>Lotus: "Princess wants a manicure."</p>
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<p>Sunny: "Oh lucky me."</p>
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<p>Lotus: "Oh, you got the princess."</p>
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<p>Elaine: What is so funny?</p>
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<p>Ruby: …tell knock-knock joke.</p>
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<p>[Baseball diamond in the park]</p>
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<p>Elaine: The Korean women were talking about me. I think they were calling
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me a dog.</p>
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<p>Jerry: How would you know? You don't speak Korean.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby called the dog
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the same word they used when they were pointing at me…ge ge ge </p>
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<p>Kramer: You know, maybe in Korean "dog" isn't an insult. Could
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be like the word "fox" to us. Oh, she's a DOG! </p>
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<p>Jerry: Why don't you go to another nail shop?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Because they're the best Jerry, the best. Look. Maybe I'm just
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being paranoid. </p>
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<p>Jerry: What you need is a translator to go in the shop with you and tell
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you what they're saying.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah, who speaks Korean?</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know who speaks Korean?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: No, who?</p>
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<p>Jerry: George's father.</p>
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<p>Elaine: You gotta' be kidding me. How does he speak Korean?</p>
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<p>Jerry: He used to go there a lot on business.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What did he do?</p>
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<p>Jerry: He sold religious articles the statues of Jesus, the virgin Mary,
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that were manufactured in Korea.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Uh, </p>
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<p>Jerry: George, does your father speak Korean?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung Sun Moon. </p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, hi Gennice.</p>
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<p>Gennice: Hi Jerry.</p>
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<p>Jerry: This is George, this is Kramer.</p>
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<p>Gennice: Nice to meet you.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Playing today?</p>
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<p>Gennice: No. I'm on the bench today.</p>
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<p>Jerry: They really stick to that understudy rule.</p>
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<p>Kramer: So she's coming?</p>
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<p>Gennice: Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter,
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my frankfurter fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really good. I can't believe
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that I dropped it. (sob sob sob sob)</p>
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<p>Jerry: It's okay…it's just a hot dog, (still sobbing) everything
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is going to be okay.</p>
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<p>Gennice: No it (sob) was really good.</p>
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<p>[Crowd yelling - Bette arrives]</p>
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<p>Kramer: Look it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah, AH, . . . Bette, psst, hi.</p>
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<p>Bette: Hi.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Uh, I just want to say I think you're wonderful.</p>
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<p>Bette: Uh, thank you.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, I've seen you in everything you've done.</p>
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<p>Bette: Really?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Anything I can get you? Water? They got ice over here.</p>
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<p>Bette: What flavours do they have?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Chocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry.</p>
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<p>Bette: How about Pineapple?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Pineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right back.</p>
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<p>[First Italian ice cream seller]</p>
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<p>Ice Cream Vendor #1: No pineapple. Just Cherry, Lemon and Tutti-Frutti</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, uh, uh. [Leaves]</p>
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<p>[Monk's]</p>
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<p>Elaine: Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you to do is to come to the
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shop with me and tell me what they are saying. You do speak Korean?</p>
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<p>Frank: I once talked to the reverend Yung Son Moon. He bought two Jesus
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statues from me. He's a hell of a nice guy. </p>
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<p>Elaine: uh, ha.</p>
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<p>Frank: Ever see that face on him? Like a Biiig apple pie.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza, if uh, if you do this
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for me I'll get you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or you can get a pedicure
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if you want.</p>
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<p>Frank: No one is touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think
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I've got a foot odour problem. </p>
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<p>[Baseball diamond- Bette at bat]</p>
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<p>George: I watched "Beaches" on cable last night. …(wings?)
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… Give me a break.</p>
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<p>Bette: Get some talent then you can mouth off. </p>
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<p>Umpire: Strike three.</p>
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<p>Bette: What? Are you blind?</p>
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<p>Umpire: What?<br>
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<br>
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Bette: Nothing, nothing.</p>
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<p>[Monk's]</p>
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<p>Frank: I had an affair with a Korean woman. </p>
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<p>Elaine: Uh, Mr. Costanza, I …</p>
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<p>Frank: No, I feel I need to unburden myself. I loved her very deeply.
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But the clash of cultures was too much. Her family would not accept me.
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</p>
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<p>Elaine: Mr. Costanza, I, …</p>
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<p>Frank: Maybe it was because I refused to take off my shoes. Again, the
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foot odour problem. Her father would look at me and say, " eno enoa
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juang ". Which means, "this guy - this is not my kind of guy".</p>
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<p>[On Stree]</p>
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<p>Ice Cream Vendor #2: Sure I got Pineapple.</p>
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<p>[Kramer runs back with it]</p>
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<p>[Baseball diamond - George at bat]</p>
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<p>Bette: Move it in. Move in everybody. Get your shrimp here. Shrimp on
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special today!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Come on George, just loosen up.</p>
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<p>[George hits one ]</p>
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<p>Jerry: Come on George.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Kramer: I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. : I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.</p>
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<p>Jerry: [to George] Keep going.</p>
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<p>George: Aaaaaah</p>
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<p>[George runs into Bette (trivia- but misses home plate)]</p>
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<p>Umpire: SAFE!</p>
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<p>(Mob gets angry and chases George and Jerry)</p>
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<p>George: come on it's just a game.</p>
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<p>Kramer: (holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is going to take care of everything.
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See,, I got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time
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(sings) "You are the wind…"</p>
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<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
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<p>TV: the show will go on but not Bette Midler. While playing softball
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in the park Ms. Midler was injured when another player thoughtlessly rammed
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her at home plate. All captured on amateur video tape. She will be out
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for two weeks from her Broadway show; Rochelle Rochelle - The Musical.</p>
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<p>[Genice enters]</p>
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<p>Gennice: . . . Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George)</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well we…</p>
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<p>Gennice: No, please. This is the first time in my life (sobs) that anyone
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has ever done anything like this for me. I've always had to struggle so
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hard for everything I ever got. (sobbing) and I know this is going to
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be my big break. (sobbing)</p>
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<p>Jerry: [with no emotion] It's okay. Everything is going to be all right.
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</p>
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<p>[Knocking at door]</p>
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<p>Kramer: Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! </p>
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<p>Jerry: Come back another time.</p>
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<p>[Shot of each lock being opened] </p>
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<p>Kramer: SO...you're all in here together. How convenient. I hope you're
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all proud of yourselves.</p>
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<p>(Turning to Genice)</p>
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<p>Kramer: So my dear you think you can get to Broadway. Well, let me tell
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you something. Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway
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I know. My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them
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out. My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, and Fontaine,
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and if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down...
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...GOOD LUCK... (exits)</p>
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<p>[Nail Parlour]</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hi everyone. Um, this is my friend, Frank.</p>
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<p>Ruby: What would you like today? Manicure, Pedicure?</p>
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<p>Frank: I'll take a manicure. I don't take my shoes off for anyone.</p>
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<p>Ruby: "That's the least of his problems."</p>
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<p>Frank: What was that?</p>
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<p>Elaine: What'd they say? What'd they say?</p>
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<p>Frank: They made a derogatory comment about me.</p>
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<p>Ruby: "She's with a man twice her age." "He doesn't look
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like he's got much money either."</p>
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<p>Lotus: "Check out that sweater". (all laughing)</p>
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<p>Ruby: "I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket."</p>
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<p>Lotus: "What happened to his tail?"</p>
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<p>Frank: Okay, THAT'S IT! "oki on awa" Where's my tail? I heard
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every word you said. You got some nerve. </p>
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<p>[Back room]</p>
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<p>Kim: That voice? It sounds so familiar. It reminds me of when I was ayoung
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girl in Korea and I met an American businessman. He was a very unusual
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man. Quick temperd with a strange halting way of speaking. We fell in
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love but when I brought him home to meet my father? He refused to take
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his shoes off. And there was a terrible fight. </p>
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<p>Lotus: That man also refuses to take his shoes off. </p>
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<p>Frank: [from other room] I never seen people treated like this!</p>
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<p>Ruby: You brought in a spy! . . . Get Out! </p>
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<p>Kim: Frank?</p>
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<p>Frank: Kim?</p>
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<p>[Hospital room]</p>
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<p>Kramer: [on phone] A turkey sandwich. A side of slaw, … you want
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whit e meat or dark? </p>
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<p>Bette: White meat.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there.
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It's your ass buster.</p>
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<p>Bette: Get me one of those Black and White cookies.</p>
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<p>Kramer: yeah, all right, yeah…. [hangs up] They don't have any.
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But don't worry I'm going to get you one somewhere.</p>
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<p>Bette: Good. Because if I don't get a Black and White cookie I'm not
|
|
going to be very pleasant to be around.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Now that's impossible.</p>
|
|
<p>[On rainy street at night]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: (sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella) … I don't even
|
|
know where I'm going.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: That's the best way to get someplace you've never been. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: yes, (sob) I suppose, …</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Have you been crying?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman, this manicurist,…</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Oh no, that doesn’t matter now. That's a very nice jacket.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Uh, (sob) thanks.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, draw string waist,
|
|
deep biswing vents in the back perfect for jumping into a gondola. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: How do you know all that?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: That's my coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You mean..?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Yes, I'm J. Peterman.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh!</p>
|
|
<p>[In Taxi]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know why I have to go to the hospital. I didn't do anything
|
|
to Bette Midler. Driver can you stop over here, we're picking somebody
|
|
up. </p>
|
|
<p>[Crowd yelling]</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: Hey, I didn't do anything. I was never informed. … YOU
|
|
CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL…. You see that? You see what I am going
|
|
through? </p>
|
|
<p>George: So what? Somebody dropped an egg on my head as I went into my
|
|
building last night.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People are yelling out Galloogy.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: I'm having a little trouble with all this. I mean all I ever
|
|
wanted to do is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy. (sob)
|
|
Nobody in the show will even talk to me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Stop your crying will ya?</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: What?</p>
|
|
<p>George: You heard him.</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: Oh, don't you you're the reason this whole thing happened.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, yeah. I read what you said to the papers yesterday. You weren't
|
|
in on the planing. What planning? YOU THINK WE PLANED THIS? Uh? </p>
|
|
<p>Cabbie: Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked Bette Midler out of Rochelle
|
|
Rochelle the Musical. I want you creeps out of my cab.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, I had nothing to do with it.</p>
|
|
<p>Cabbie: Get out of my cab. You should go to prison. You should be in
|
|
prison for the rest of your life. Get out, each of you. Each and every
|
|
one of you get out of my cab.</p>
|
|
<p>[Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Then in the distance I heard the bulls. I began running as
|
|
fast as I could. Fortunately I was wearing my Italian Captoe Oxfords.
|
|
Sophisticated yet different; nothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich dark
|
|
brown calfskin leather. Matching leather vent. Men's whole and half sizes
|
|
7 through 13. Price $135.00.</p>
|
|
<p>Ex; Oh, that's not too expensive.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: That shirt. Where did you get it?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, this innocent looking shirt has something which isn't innocent
|
|
at all. Touchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton, with a fine almost
|
|
terrycloth like feeling. Five button placket, relaxed fit, innocence and
|
|
mayhem at once. </p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: That's NOT bad!</p>
|
|
<p>[Frank's car]</p>
|
|
<p>Kim: Oh, Frank. So many years. If only you had taken your shoes off.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: I couldn't because I had a potential foot problem. </p>
|
|
<p>Kim: I thought maybe you had a hole in your socks.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: I wiped them for two minutes on the mat. I don't know why your
|
|
father had to make a federal case out of it.</p>
|
|
<p>Kim: Anyway that is all in the past. We have our whole future ahead of
|
|
us. </p>
|
|
<p>Frank: Between you and me I think your country is placing a lot of importance
|
|
on shoe removal.</p>
|
|
<p>[Screeching of brakes]</p>
|
|
<p>Kim: You short stop me? We don't do that in Korea! Take me home. Inever
|
|
want to see you again. </p>
|
|
<p>[Bette's hospital room - Kramer enters]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hi, here. I made this for your. [gives her a pasta statue]</p>
|
|
<p>Bette: … What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: It's macaroni Midler. </p>
|
|
<p>Bette: Macaroni Midler?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, see how you're singing?</p>
|
|
<p>Bette: … yeah …ha ha. Well you made a long journey from Milan
|
|
to Minsk.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: oh, what's that from?</p>
|
|
<p>Bette: Oh, that's one of the songs from my show. Bette sings:</p>
|
|
<p> "Well you made
|
|
a long journey from Milan to Minsk.<br>
|
|
Rochelle Rochelle.<br>
|
|
You never stopped hoping.
|
|
now you're in the Pinsk<br>
|
|
Rochelle Rochelle <br>
|
|
When the nay sayers nay
|
|
you pick up your pace<br>
|
|
So nothing's going to
|
|
stop me so get out of my face.<br>
|
|
I'm having adventures
|
|
all over the place. <br>
|
|
Rochelle ROCHELLE!"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh You are so freaking talented.</p>
|
|
<p>[knock at door - Kramer goes out into hall]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, so look who's here. What do you want.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: We just want to talk to her. We want to apologize and tell her
|
|
the whole thing was an accident. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Bette is recuperating right now and I'm not going to allow anything
|
|
to disturb her. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Who are you to decide?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'm calling the shots around here so there won't be anymore ACCIDENTS!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey, look, Kramer,…</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: AH! I don't want her disturbed. </p>
|
|
<p>[Outside Broadway Theater]</p>
|
|
<p>Ruby: hello, Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hello</p>
|
|
<p>Lotus: We're so excited.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You're welcome.</p>
|
|
<p>Ruby: We'll see you inside.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well I felt bad about the spying, so you know, ,I got them tickets
|
|
to the show.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see you later.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you about my new job.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Where? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: [pushing her] How did you get that?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I met him.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You met J. Peterman?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What is he like?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Elaine: He wore a classic courtman's duster. beige corduroy collar, 100%
|
|
cotton canvas, high waist, nine pockets, six on the outside, great for
|
|
running along side a train, [Jerry walking away] waving last goodbyes,
|
|
posing on a veranda, Men's sizes ...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: . . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double...</p>
|
|
<p>[Backstage]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, break a leg tonight.</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: I'm really nervous.</p>
|
|
<p>Stagehand: Here you got a telegram. Well, look who's here.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Listen buddy,</p>
|
|
<p>Stagehand: What are you going to do? Break my legs? You don't scare me.
|
|
You or your goons.</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: How do you like this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: My grandmother died.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I'm so sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: Oh, it's okay, </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So you don't cry when your grandmother dies? But a hotdog makes
|
|
you lose control?</p>
|
|
<p>Voice: [Off camera] Places everyone.</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: I gotta go.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Good luck.</p>
|
|
<p>[Audience]</p>
|
|
<p>Announcer: ladies and gentlemen for this evening's performance the part
|
|
of Rochelle will be played by Gennice Grant.</p>
|
|
<p>Lotus: Gennice Glant? </p>
|
|
<p>Ruby: What happened to Bette Midler? </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, she got hurt.</p>
|
|
<p>Ruby: No Bette Midler? [they talk Korean and all three leave]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I, uh, wait,…</p>
|
|
<p>[On Stage]</p>
|
|
<p>Gennice: [singing and dancing] "It's a long journey from Milan to
|
|
Minsk…" [Shoe lace comes undone (even LOOKS like figure skates]
|
|
wait wait. Hold it stop, (sob) I'm sorry, I have to start it over, my
|
|
shoelace. (sob) I can't do it like this. Please let me start over. (sob)
|
|
Please. (sob) Please. . . .</p>
|
|
<p>[END]</p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
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