1204 lines
44 KiB
HTML
1204 lines
44 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Visa</h1>
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<p align="left">[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]<br>
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<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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Written by: Peter Mehlman<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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Episode no. 56<br>
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pc: 414, season 4, episode 17<br>
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Broadcast date: January 27, 1993<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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The Cast<br>
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<br>
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Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars:<br>
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<br>
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Brian George..................... Babu Bhatt<br>
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Maggie Han....................... Cheryl<br>
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Ping Wu.......................... Ping<br>
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John Hamelin..................... Babu's Brother<br>
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Gerry Bednob..................... Babu's Friend <br>
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening monologue.<br>
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<br>
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What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that
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knows the<br>
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rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving
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our<br>
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pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only
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person<br>
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that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun
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things<br>
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for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection,
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your Honor." <br>
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Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not."
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To which the judge<br>
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can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult
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version of "Fraid<br>
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so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version
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of "Duh."<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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First scene.<br>
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George is at the counter at Monk's, he's talking with an Oriental woman.<br>
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<br>
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George: So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle?<br>
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<br>
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Cheryl: Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration and naturalization.<br>
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<br>
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George: What is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural?<br>
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<br>
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Cheryl (laughing): Are your friends as funny as you?<br>
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<br>
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George: No, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm
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the<br>
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funny one. El Clowno.<br>
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<br>
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Quick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk
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mail,<br>
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there is no mail. <br>
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<br>
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Cut back to George and Cheryl at the counter.<br>
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<br>
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Cheryl: Here's my card.<br>
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<br>
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George: Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you.<br>
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<br>
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Cheryl: Nice meeting you.<br>
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<br>
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George: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Cheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and Elaine.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Hi!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hey, how ya doin?<br>
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<br>
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George: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you
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and<br>
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this woman was sitting at the counter.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: What, the one who just left?<br>
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<br>
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George: Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's<br>
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incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything
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I<br>
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said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good.
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I<br>
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started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no
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place to<br>
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go.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yeah, well, I guess it's all over.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry (looking behind the counter): Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking
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over)<br>
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Hey, Babu!<br>
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<br>
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Babu: Jerry!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Look at you, you got the job.<br>
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<br>
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Babu: Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to you.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Oh, I didn't do anything.<br>
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<br>
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Babu: Yes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in
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your<br>
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building.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Come on.<br>
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<br>
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Babu: You very very good man, you do everything for me. My family and
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I can<br>
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never thank you enough for everything you do.<br>
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<br>
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Cut back to George and Elaine.<br>
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<br>
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George: You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong,
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now I<br>
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have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real?
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They<br>
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don't want real, they want funny.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: No they don't.<br>
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<br>
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George: Ooooh, yes they do.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Nooo.<br>
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<br>
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George: Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show.
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You<br>
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always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go
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for a<br>
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better looking guy with more money.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine nods her head in approval.<br>
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<br>
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George: You mean that's true, I'm right?!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu.<br>
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<br>
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Babu: Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Ok, I'll see you around the building.<br>
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<br>
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Babu: I'll see you *in* the building.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry (returning to the table): Remember Babu Bhatt?<br>
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<br>
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George: Who's he?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from
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the<br>
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building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should
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make it<br>
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into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh,
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going<br>
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with me to the auto show with me Saturday?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yeah, yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Can you bring my mail then?<br>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<br>
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George: What mail?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I picked up his mail while he was on the road<br>
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<br>
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George: Why didn't Kramer pick it up?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.<br>
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<br>
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George: Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Monday, I think.<br>
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<br>
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George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp.
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<br>
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People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week.
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Do<br>
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nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors
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and have<br>
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sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't
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you have<br>
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dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if
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you want,<br>
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you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.<br>
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<br>
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George has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner table
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and<br>
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Cheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: ...he never heard of corduroy!<br>
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<br>
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Cheryl (howling with laughter): Stop it, you're killing me!!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story.<br>
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<br>
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Dream sequence ends.<br>
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<br>
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George: No, no I don't think so.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Why?<br>
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<br>
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George: Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play
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a zone.<br>
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<br>
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George: She might not be comfortable.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: We'll be funny.<br>
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<br>
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George: No! No. It's not good, I don't think so.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's<br>
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probably around seven.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Why?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene.<br>
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|
George and Cheryl are at Isabella's.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George (tasting the wine): Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking<br>
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about.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cheryl laughs.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start
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the<br>
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day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Just then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Look who's here! Georgie-boy!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?<br>
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<br>
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|
Elaine: No, I talked him into it.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: What happened to the auto show?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes
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|
model.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige
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|
to<br>
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|
propel you well into the 21st century.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry and Elaine
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|
away<br>
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|
from their table.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine (to Cheryl, who's rising to shake her outstretched hand): Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
George: Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (shaking hands in turn): Hi, nice to meet you.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cheryl: Would you like to join us?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: Oh no no no, they don't want to join us.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cheryl: Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Ok, well why don't we just put these two tables together?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (as the others are repositioning the tables): No, no, you can't
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|
do that,<br>
|
|
they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me--<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: No! No.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: No George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George (interrupting): You know we should really order, the service is
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|
so slow<br>
|
|
here, by the time you get anything...<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cheryl: Oh? What happened?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against
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|
the<br>
|
|
light and I knocked over the delivery boy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Was he Chinese?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Cheryl: Is your last name Benes?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: How did you know?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Ping is my cousin! <br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: No!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: That's so funny!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Cheryl: I'm handling his case!<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Elaine: What? You're Cheryl Fong?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: That's right!<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
By now, they're all laughing.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Oh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Yeah, I know!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Wow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to
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|
win the<br>
|
|
case?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Will you excuse me? I have to make a call.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Tell Ping I said hello.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
They all laugh as Cheryl walks away.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
George (suddenly not laughing): What are you doing? What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: This is not good. This is not good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What's the matter?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Biff?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You're not worried about that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No, of course not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll
|
|
walk<br>
|
|
out on his show, go see the other show. <br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, should we leave?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you
|
|
not to<br>
|
|
be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm
|
|
very<br>
|
|
funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be
|
|
a short<br>
|
|
bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't have to be funny, I don't care.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You don't?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No way! It's completely under my control.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Of course I can, am I being funny now?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: A little.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: George, is this funny?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so
|
|
funny<br>
|
|
either.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What? What did I do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl returns.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (subdued, almost somber): Hello. Welcome back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal
|
|
about<br>
|
|
it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone
|
|
by and<br>
|
|
how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a
|
|
better<br>
|
|
self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know
|
|
it's not<br>
|
|
to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is
|
|
who we are<br>
|
|
to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Funny guy, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine is bringing Jerry's mail to his apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well thank you very much, it's about time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case
|
|
against<br>
|
|
me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (leafing through his mail): Oh great, a birth announcement from
|
|
Arnie and<br>
|
|
Joy Harris.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They hear a noise from the hallway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Uh, well there was an incident.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What happened?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then
|
|
they<br>
|
|
canceled the rest of the week.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You punched who in the mouth?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What happened?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching,<br>
|
|
and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and
|
|
man that<br>
|
|
guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Wow! Joe Pepitone!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate.
|
|
So I<br>
|
|
throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right
|
|
on his<br>
|
|
pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch,<br>
|
|
he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You plunked him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the<br>
|
|
mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks
|
|
out<br>
|
|
between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and
|
|
as I'm<br>
|
|
trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody
|
|
pulls<br>
|
|
me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked
|
|
down,<br>
|
|
and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Wow, this is incredible!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A voice is heard from the hallway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: Leave me alone! You can't do this to me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What's going on out there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: What are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very
|
|
bad<br>
|
|
mistake, very bad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (to Kramer): Yeah, so?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, "Mickey! Mickey!
|
|
What have<br>
|
|
you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So what'd you do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, I got the hell out of there. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (running back in): They took Babu away!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: They took Babu away?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu,<br>
|
|
everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job.
|
|
What<br>
|
|
a shame.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu (calling from the street): Jerry! Jerry! Help me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over
|
|
third<br>
|
|
base and knocks over Clete Boyer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (thumbing through his mail): Uh oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well this is interesting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal<br>
|
|
application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, doesn't he need that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole
|
|
thing<br>
|
|
never would have happened.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Elaine: Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, so am I being funny now?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No, actually, you're not being funny now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey<br>
|
|
George, look, I'm not funny now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got
|
|
us both<br>
|
|
so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer,
|
|
his<br>
|
|
Visa's expired.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Ah, will you stop it already?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Jerry, please?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: How long is this gonna go on?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Till I'm comfortable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, when is that gonna be?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: After consummation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Consummation? I don't think you have enough material.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Cheryl are at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes
|
|
me a<br>
|
|
big favor. You're very lucky.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (somber): That's wonderful news. Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it
|
|
doesn't<br>
|
|
seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: I understand.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry reaches for the milk for his coffee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: I think it's curdled.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't care.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've<br>
|
|
been so helpful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (entering as Jerry heads to the register): Hey, we're gonna go
|
|
see Babu<br>
|
|
now, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, I'll just pay for this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth)
|
|
<br>
|
|
Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping
|
|
to drop<br>
|
|
the case.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Well, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through<br>
|
|
with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (laughing): You're kidding.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl (laughing): No, I'm not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine are at the Immigration office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Babu!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You remember Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: Yes, yes of course!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Nice to meet you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: So nice of you both to come.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, Babu.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: No no, you're both very kind, very kind.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine (in unison): Oh, well, you know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: We try.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We do what we can.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: We do what we can.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: The problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was<br>
|
|
expecting it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I
|
|
was<br>
|
|
away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: Comedy shows! You're a very funny man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because
|
|
you<br>
|
|
know that little box can get very full.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I
|
|
would<br>
|
|
have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, I don't want to bother you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good
|
|
man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and
|
|
I<br>
|
|
noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail
|
|
box.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: Come again?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my
|
|
mail<br>
|
|
until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: You had my Visa application?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well not technically.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu (extremely and suddenly agitated): I kill you!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well what about her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: I kill both of you!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Babu?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad<br>
|
|
man!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone
|
|
in<br>
|
|
the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out,
|
|
the<br>
|
|
wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: The wheels are in motion?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: The wheels are in motion, things are happening!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George and Cheryl are parked.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Jerry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: I'm very attracted to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even
|
|
close<br>
|
|
to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: He never said anything funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: He can't not be funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: No no no, he's dark. And disturbed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was
|
|
funnier. <br>
|
|
That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You
|
|
can't<br>
|
|
find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on
|
|
trees? <br>
|
|
Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that
|
|
needs<br>
|
|
help.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: I gotta go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well, should I call you later?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cheryl: Please don't.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it<br>
|
|
all!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take
|
|
care<br>
|
|
of it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: It's George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: C'mon up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Babu must be back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu's Brother: Babu, my goodness, what has happened to you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Where's Babu?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu's Brother: He is in Pakistan!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Who are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu's Brother: I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to
|
|
be<br>
|
|
fixed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu's Brother: Then where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (offering a drink): Snapple?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu's Brother: No, too fruity.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu's Brother leaves, George enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his
|
|
Visa.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: She didn't help him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Where is he?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: He's in Pakistan.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh boy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What do you mean, oh boy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the<br>
|
|
disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: That's because she had my mail.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone
|
|
to<br>
|
|
that fantasy camp.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: How could you go in there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle,<br>
|
|
my idol. It was eating me up inside!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, what happened?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me.
|
|
I'm<br>
|
|
begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey,
|
|
I love<br>
|
|
you!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So, what did he do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they
|
|
threw me<br>
|
|
outside, right into a horse.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There's a knock on Kramer's door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Kramer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah? It's my Chinese food.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ping enters with a bag of food.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit<br>
|
|
against me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ping: Not anymore.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ping: Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ping: She call you and your friends big liars. You think she nice girl?
|
|
Wait<br>
|
|
till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator.
|
|
She<br>
|
|
never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. Hasta
|
|
la<br>
|
|
vista, baby.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Ping exits.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Babu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in Pakistan.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: So his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then
|
|
he<br>
|
|
came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels
|
|
were<br>
|
|
in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent
|
|
me<br>
|
|
back here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu's Friend: This is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Babu: I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America,<br>
|
|
and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him.
|
|
He<br>
|
|
haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Closing monologue.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front of the Statue
|
|
of<br>
|
|
Liberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...', can't
|
|
we just<br>
|
|
say, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do we have to
|
|
specify<br>
|
|
the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us the unhappy,
|
|
the<br>
|
|
sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have trouble<br>
|
|
merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they
|
|
can't<br>
|
|
parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're
|
|
clogged,<br>
|
|
if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff,
|
|
food<br>
|
|
between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit,
|
|
missed a<br>
|
|
spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob that you
|
|
can<br>
|
|
somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.'<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p
|
|
align="center"> </p>
|
|
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|
|
|
|
|
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<div id="navBar">
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|
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<div id="upperBox">
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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<script type="text/javascript"
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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|
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|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
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|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
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|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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</script></body>
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