1521 lines
55 KiB
HTML
1521 lines
55 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Watch</h1>
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Transcribed by: Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness <br>
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<br>
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Episode Number: 046<br>
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Original Air Date: September 30, 1992<br>
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<br>
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Written by: Larry David<br>
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Directed by: Tom Cherones<br>
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<br>
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Recurring Cast:<br>
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Liz Sheridan (Helen Seinfeld)<br>
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Barney Martin (Morty Seinfeld)<br>
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Len Lesser (Uncle Leo)<br>
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Bob Balaban (Russell Dalrimple)<br>
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Heidi Swedberg (Susan)<br>
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Peter Crombie ("Crazy" Joe Davola)<br>
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<br>
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Guest Cast:<br>
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Stephen McHattie (Dr. Reston)<br>
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Jessica Lundy (Naomi)<br>
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Christopher Carroll (Maitre d')<br>
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Lewis Dauber (Doorman)<br>
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Mimi Craven (Cynthia)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Montage]<br>
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<br>
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The episode opens with a series of clips from 'The Pitch', 'The Ticket'
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<br>
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and 'TheWallet', illustrating the story so far. A rough precis would be:<br>
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<br>
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George turns down the offer from NBC for the show, telling Jerry he's<br>
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negotiating. Susan gives George a box of Cuban cigars from her father,
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<br>
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which hepasses to Kramer, who sets fire to his hair while lighting one.
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Jerry's <br>
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parents come to town, so's Morty can see a back specialist - he slept
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on the <br>
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fold-out. Kramer tells Jerry's parents that Crazy Joe Davola is after
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Jerry. <br>
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Jerry throws away a watch his parents gave him, because it doesn't keep
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time. Uncle <br>
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Leo fetches it out of the garbage. Jerry tells his parents his watch is
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at <br>
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the jeweller for repair. At the doctor's, Morty reveals his hatred of
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<br>
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velcro and his wallet disappears. Elaine returns from Europe, eager to
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rid herself of <br>
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the 'Svenjolly' Dr Reston. George tells her to inform the doctor she's
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<br>
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seeing someone else. Elaine opts to say she's seeing Kramer, and Dr Reston
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<br>
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wants to meet him.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Nightclub]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry's standup piece.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those <br>
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executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece
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of green <br>
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|
felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser,
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dad." But to <br>
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me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better
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<br>
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|
way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to
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|
put any thought <br>
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|
into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers
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|
are just <br>
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|
blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the
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|
back of <br>
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|
a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they <br>
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|
typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight
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|
for?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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[Restaurant]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner.<br>
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<br>
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MORTY: (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. <br>
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(indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He
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fixed <br>
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yours in one day.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're <br>
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mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.<br>
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<br>
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Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table. <br>
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Helen watches her.<br>
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<br>
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HELEN: (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: She's okay.<br>
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<br>
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HELEN: Just okay?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: She's nice.<br>
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<br>
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HELEN: She's better than nice.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: She's all right.<br>
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<br>
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|
HELEN: She's beautiful.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: She's not beautiful.<br>
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<br>
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HELEN: I think she's beautiful.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: So you ask her out.<br>
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<br>
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HELEN: I'm not gonna ask her out.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Why not?<br>
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|
<br>
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HELEN: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with
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<br>
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you.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.<br>
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<br>
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HELEN: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I think that's a little extreme.<br>
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<br>
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LEO: (grudgingly) She's awright.<br>
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<br>
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|
MORTY: (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a
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<br>
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|
week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[George's Car]<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: He said what?<br>
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<br>
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|
SUSAN: "The hell with them."<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: "The hell with them?"<br>
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|
<br>
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|
SUSAN: Those were his exact words.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: (worried) Oh boy.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
SUSAN: He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why
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<br>
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|
should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?"<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (still worried) He was pretty emphatic?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
SUSAN: Pounded on his desk.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Pounded?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
SUSAN: (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this.
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|
<br>
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|
It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative
|
|
<br>
|
|
guy. He handles the business end.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
SUSAN: You said it was insulting.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted.
|
|
<br>
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|
You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Well, there's nothing I can do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel
|
|
<br>
|
|
the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he
|
|
<br>
|
|
just, he says no, and that's it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
GEORGE: Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! <br>
|
|
Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: You'll have to wait til Monday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I
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|
<br>
|
|
gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SUSAN: (laugh) I can't give you his address.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse on the
|
|
<br>
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|
dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
SUSAN: Give it back!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Gimme the purse!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out
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|
<br>
|
|
of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in
|
|
love, <br>
|
|
okay. Can you do that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Have we been intimate?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Alright, how often do we do it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think <br>
|
|
he's gonna ask you that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like
|
|
<br>
|
|
that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week,
|
|
<br>
|
|
okay?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you
|
|
<br>
|
|
gonna say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I know what I'm gonna say.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, no, but I would like to hear it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity.
|
|
<br>
|
|
You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head,
|
|
do it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (playing with his hair) Talk to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hey, how's your hair?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, well, yeah, it's good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be <br>
|
|
playing with matches, seriously Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, <br>
|
|
this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (mouths silently) Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell is he <br>
|
|
doing?' look.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello <br>
|
|
there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh,
|
|
<br>
|
|
we're much more than friends...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep going.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the <br>
|
|
point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine smiles.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we
|
|
<br>
|
|
would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to
|
|
pursue <br>
|
|
our courtship unfettered.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (mouths silently) That's perfect!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very
|
|
<br>
|
|
unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate he's
|
|
<br>
|
|
doing so well.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine)
|
|
<br>
|
|
but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second,
|
|
will <br>
|
|
you? Uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on his knee.
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright <br>
|
|
uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah,
|
|
okay. So <br>
|
|
long.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer hangs up the phone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on
|
|
<br>
|
|
here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (horrified) Get together!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: He wants to talk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, why didn't you say no!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's <br>
|
|
interesting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (frustration) Ugh!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Restaurant]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NAOMI: Did you enjoy your poisson?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: It was... different.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NAOMI: (to Jerry) And how was yours?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah, very good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NAOMI: You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change
|
|
<br>
|
|
your life expectancy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No thanks, just the check.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Naomi leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: What's the matter with you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: Why didn't you flirt with her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Come on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
JERRY: What am I gonna say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: You just sat there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, you made me uncomfortable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: (to Morty) Where's the bathroom?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: In the back, on your right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table. As he
|
|
<br>
|
|
puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug of war
|
|
<br>
|
|
develops.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Dad!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Will you stop it Jerry. Let go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Will you let me pay just once.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: You're out of your mind.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Don't worry about it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What're you gonna do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: What's the difference, we'll figure something out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: (to Jerry) You're not paying.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take the check.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to
|
|
<br>
|
|
know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the
|
|
whole <br>
|
|
monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going
|
|
to the <br>
|
|
bathroom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to read it
|
|
<br>
|
|
too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: How the hell am I gonna pay for this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Restaurant Bathroom]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry in the
|
|
<br>
|
|
mirror.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: They give you some portion here, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't
|
|
<br>
|
|
uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really
|
|
did have <br>
|
|
to get to<br>
|
|
a meeting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got
|
|
<br>
|
|
plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that.
|
|
<br>
|
|
I'd love to replace it for him as a gift.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping pace <br>
|
|
with him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the arm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little <br>
|
|
proposition for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Apartment Building Lobby]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous George
|
|
<br>
|
|
stands beside him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Costanza. Costanza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: (into phone) George Costanza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about <br>
|
|
nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He <br>
|
|
says, call him Monday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and pulls
|
|
<br>
|
|
it down so's he can speak into it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have
|
|
<br>
|
|
to talk to you!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: Excuse me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It's about the show. It... No, it was...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: Excuse me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five <br>
|
|
minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you,
|
|
Mister <br>
|
|
Dalrimple.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman should
|
|
<br>
|
|
listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DOORMAN: (into phone) Very good, sir.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads toward <br>
|
|
Russell Dalrimple's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Restaurant]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who speaks
|
|
<br>
|
|
with an approximate French accent.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look,
|
|
<br>
|
|
as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him <br>
|
|
back?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: No, no, he won't let me do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, <br>
|
|
unsuspectingly?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: He could wash them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Monsieur, we are running a reputable business.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five
|
|
<br>
|
|
years!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Aha, but you did not give them away, did you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: You don't understand my...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MAITRE D': Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your <br>
|
|
family, ah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street Corner]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Now look, don't take too long.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (looking around) Look at this building. What is this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I don't know. It's a building.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (indicating) The door's on a diagonal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (frustrated) Just go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye, <br>
|
|
then wonders why she's doing that and gives up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
[Russell Dalrimple's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background is
|
|
<br>
|
|
a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful date. She
|
|
<br>
|
|
looks haughty and bored throughout the scene.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing <br>
|
|
anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: We were about to sit down to dinner.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: (indicating) This is Cynthia.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to
|
|
<br>
|
|
meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Looks like veal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: It's not veal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) <br>
|
|
Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you
|
|
got stairs in <br>
|
|
an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment.
|
|
<br>
|
|
Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all
|
|
that <br>
|
|
sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Who gave you my address?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) <br>
|
|
Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh,
|
|
he gave it <br>
|
|
to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Russell closes the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house
|
|
<br>
|
|
if I<br>
|
|
really wanted.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously <br>
|
|
(to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee table.
|
|
<br>
|
|
As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks up the glass
|
|
<br>
|
|
and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what
|
|
<br>
|
|
we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding.
|
|
<br>
|
|
You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted
|
|
me to <br>
|
|
say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CYNTHIA: (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You
|
|
<br>
|
|
got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Blossom's on Monday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of <br>
|
|
NBC. (forced laughter)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made
|
|
<br>
|
|
a deal with another writing team.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, <br>
|
|
huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll
|
|
do it for <br>
|
|
the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we
|
|
<br>
|
|
never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward
|
|
the door) It <br>
|
|
was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia,
|
|
right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is opening the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Alright, now look. These deals are already made.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George closes the door and turns back to Russell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, <br>
|
|
and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner,
|
|
have your <br>
|
|
veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George opens the door, and is halfway through.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Mister Costanza.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George re-enters again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes?
|
|
I love <br>
|
|
suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the
|
|
<br>
|
|
grain? Alright, anyway...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George is halfway through the door again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CYNTHIA: (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: (to George) Alright. Eight thousand.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns to
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens it, to reveal
|
|
<br>
|
|
George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: May I just use your bathroom for a moment?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Restaurant Bathroom]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really
|
|
<br>
|
|
think you're being unreasonable here!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to <br>
|
|
like it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty <br>
|
|
dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars.
|
|
I'm <br>
|
|
offering you two hundred!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: (indicating) I've never seen a band like this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three <br>
|
|
fifty, that's it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: You have it on you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, I think I do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry fetches out his wallet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (under his breath) This is unbelievable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to the <br>
|
|
bathroom opens and Morty enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: What the hell is going on here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Dr Reston's Office]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces
|
|
<br>
|
|
himself to Dr Reston.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: Please, sit down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face each <br>
|
|
other, he crosses his legs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (quiet) Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing
|
|
<br>
|
|
rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr Reston's
|
|
crossed <br>
|
|
legs sitting position.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
KRAMER: Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: I don't think we have that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, that's a little strange.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: Uh, why does that surprise you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: This is an office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: ...Okay, yes, shoot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, alrighty uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble from
|
|
<br>
|
|
the leather.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary <br>
|
|
situation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: Is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, you better believe it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street Corner]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls Joe <br>
|
|
Davola, singing as he goes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DAVOLA: (singing) '...Travelling along...'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE/DAVOLA: '...singing a song, side by side...'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what he sees,
|
|
<br>
|
|
and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Wow. You really have a terrible voice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DAVOLA: Do I know you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Uhh, I don't think so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DAVOLA: 'Cos you really look familiar.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount <br>
|
|
Rushmore.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DAVOLA: Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing
|
|
<br>
|
|
it on a much larger scale.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DAVOLA: Oh really.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They laugh and smile at each other.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Dr. Reston's Office]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. <br>
|
|
(points) You, are absolutely right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: I'm glad we agree.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, <br>
|
|
they're Cubans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: I'd love one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two <br>
|
|
are gonna make a wonderful couple.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON: ...About anything. You have my number.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a box of <br>
|
|
tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Mmm, these are good, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (quiet) Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it to put
|
|
<br>
|
|
out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for it, he
|
|
keeps <br>
|
|
the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers. He jumps,
|
|
almost <br>
|
|
dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street Corner]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number on a <br>
|
|
piece of paper.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this.
|
|
<br>
|
|
You're not a nut, are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DAVOLA: No, I don't think so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as they <br>
|
|
laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Restaurant]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Naomi is handing her card to Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NAOMI: (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every <br>
|
|
customer who comes in here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NAOMI: (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little <br>
|
|
disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish.
|
|
<br>
|
|
By the way, you know why fish are so thin?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NAOMI: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: They eat fish.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh later <br>
|
|
described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and persistent.
|
|
Jerry <br>
|
|
leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of disbelief
|
|
on his face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling 'Side
|
|
<br>
|
|
By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door opens
|
|
and <br>
|
|
Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer walks
|
|
away,<br>
|
|
relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling <br>
|
|
happily.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street Corner]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens and one
|
|
<br>
|
|
of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door, which swings
|
|
<br>
|
|
shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What happened? What took you so long?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey, he's a terrific guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, we talked about a lot of things.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (O.C.): You talked about a lot of things? Well...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (O.C.): Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
ELAINE (O.C.): Did you talk about us?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the window
|
|
<br>
|
|
fade up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DAVOLA (O.C.): I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her
|
|
<br>
|
|
name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RESTON (O.C.): Did you say Elaine?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Nightclub]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry's standup piece.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty <br>
|
|
minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left?
|
|
Do they just <br>
|
|
sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the
|
|
things he <br>
|
|
was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing <br>
|
|
packing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: You shoulda told me it didn't work.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I know, I know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: You didn't have to throw it out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really <br>
|
|
am.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The buzzer sounds.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: Oh, that must be Leo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I woulda taken you to the airport.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: He has nothing to do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (O.S.): It's George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Come on up. (to parents) It's George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Oh, it's George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: What ever happened with NBC and the deal?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah, George turned it down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: He turned it down?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: Why did he do that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Because of Ted Danson.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: What does Ted Danson have to do with it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll
|
|
<br>
|
|
wind up getting more money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How
|
|
<br>
|
|
are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He approaches Helen for a greeting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: What's the matter with you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What'd I do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What about NBC? Did you hear anything?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: We got a deal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed at <br>
|
|
George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY/HELEN/JERRY: (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Heyy! Terrific.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the
|
|
<br>
|
|
big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Uh, please, Morty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna
|
|
<br>
|
|
take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I'm just happy to be working with your talented son...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Aww...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: ...Who's not doing this for the money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: ...C'mon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You have no idea how refreshing that is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So what'd we get?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (big smile) Eight thousand dollars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Beautiful!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: Four thousand apiece?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out <br>
|
|
for... less money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I was wrong, you were right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is
|
|
<br>
|
|
to get your price to go... up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You're smart, I'm dumb.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The buzzer sounds.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: That's gotta be Leo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to intercom) Yeah?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO (O.C.): Leo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, we're coming down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Alright, let's get going.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers it to
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: A present.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: A present?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty opens it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: I hope you didn't spend too much on that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts <br>
|
|
anyone's ever given me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: He's something, you son, isn't he?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah hah, alright, let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Everyone begins to head for the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: You're a terrific kid.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry picks up a case.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, he's something, isn't he?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: How could anybody not like you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
GEORGE: (to Jerry) You're very special.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Street]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Alright, Leo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, uncle Leo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: Hi, hi...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: How you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There are murmurs of greetings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: This is some beautiful parking spot you got here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LEO: Yeah, I hate to give it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Jerry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Take care now. So long.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment.
|
|
<br>
|
|
They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You're kidding.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back
|
|
<br>
|
|
to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Man, would I like to see the look on his face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: You believe this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: You're kidding.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Who needs this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
He tosses the wallet into the trash bin.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Leo, let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and walks <br>
|
|
toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his eye. Leo
|
|
picks the <br>
|
|
wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching, and
|
|
tucks it <br>
|
|
into his pocket as he goes to get in the car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Nightclub]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry's standup piece.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's <br>
|
|
wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph
|
|
of every <br>
|
|
person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning
|
|
<br>
|
|
of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's,
|
|
"Here's my <br>
|
|
cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is
|
|
my dog. He died <br>
|
|
during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by
|
|
a cop, no <br>
|
|
licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six
|
|
people that <br>
|
|
know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure
|
|
you had some <br>
|
|
friends, move it along. Routine pal check."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[End]</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p
|
|
align="center"> </p>
|
|
|
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<!-- content -->
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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</script>
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</div>
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<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
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<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
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<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
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<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
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<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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|
}
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|
</script>
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|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|