862 lines
47 KiB
HTML
862 lines
47 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Wig Master</h1>
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Transcribed by Mohamel - July, 1999</p>
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<p>========================================</p>
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<p>Broadcast: 4 Apr 96 </p>
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<p>Written by: Spike Feresten </p>
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<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Patrick Bristow [Ethan]</p>
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<p>Harry Van Gorkum [Craig]</p>
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<p>Gina Mastrogiacomo [Prostitute]</p>
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<p>Kim Chase [Charmaine]</p>
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<p>Chaim Jeraffi [Jiffy Park Guy]</p>
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<p>Michael James McDonald [Jesse]</p>
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<p>Pamela Dillman [Salesperson]</p>
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<p>Zack Phifer [Bob]</p>
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<p>Shashi Bhatia [Flower Girl]</p>
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<p>Norman Brenner [Ian] </p>
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<p>rc: Susan </p>
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<p>========================================</p>
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<p>Opening monologue:</p>
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<p>==================</p>
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<p>I really like the wig historically. I guess the revolutionary war,
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the last war fought in wig,</p>
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<p>and it seems that it must have been hard. You know they're going
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in to battle,they think</p>
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<p>Well do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins.. and you got
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to make sure you have</p>
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<p>everything... lot more to worry about "What if I get killed.?
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Is my wig on straight?</p>
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<p>I don't know when the whole wig thing came in to style for men...
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but I know when it went out.!</p>
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<p>When the mirror was invented. No guy is looking in the mirror powdering
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a patch of horsehair</p>
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<p>on his head going .."All right! lets go rap (?) to the ladies..</p>
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<p>======================================================================================</p>
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<p>At the Andover shop</p>
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<p>Jerry: "I'm looking for a crested blazer"</p>
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<p>Craig: "A crested blazer.."</p>
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<p>Jerry: "I've worn one once and I really think it did something
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for me."</p>
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<p>Craig : (turning around):" Yes .I Think we may have something."</p>
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<p>(picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest....</p>
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<p>That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world famous</p>
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<p>Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn."</p>
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<p>Jerry: (softly) "Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers."</p>
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<p>Craig: "It looks fabulous on you... shall I wrap it up?"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you what. I'll
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come back later with someone</p>
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<p>and see what they think."</p>
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<p>Craig: (doubtful)" A Hum!"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Really I'll be back."</p>
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<p>Craig: "Yeah!"</p>
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<p>Cuts to Jerry's apartment.</p>
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<p>George is pacing back and forth with the phone and Elaine and Jerry
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are talking.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: "So I didn't like the crest all that much., but the
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guy spent fifteen minutes with me</p>
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<p>so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone
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else thought....</p>
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<p>And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Ah! So he knew that you were making it up.!"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Yeah..... He caught me"</p>
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<p>"So here's what I want you to do. Come back with me to the
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store and we'll pretend</p>
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<p>to look at the coat."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "That's ridiculous. Why do do you want to go back
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there if you don't want the coat?"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Because he thinks I was lying and I want to show him
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I wasn't."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "But you were!!"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "But if you go back with me , then I'm not."</p>
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<p>George:(still on the phone) "All right fine.... Whatever"</p>
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<p>Kramer walks in.</p>
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<p>Jerry: (to George) " Problems with the house guest?"</p>
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<p>Elaine: "What house guest?"</p>
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<p>George: "This friend of Susan's is staying with us for two
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weeks...Now am I</p>
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<p>wrong or is that excessive?"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Well Bob Sacamano he stayed with me once for a year
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and a half."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Who is he?"</p>
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<p>George: "He's a wig master"</p>
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<p>Elaine: "What is a wig master?"</p>
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<p>George: "He's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing
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Technicolor Dreamcoat.</p>
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<p>He's the guy in charge of the wigs."</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point it becomes
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a career choice."</p>
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<p>Kramer: "About some tickets George , you know I'd kill for
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a peek.."</p>
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<p>George: (leaving) "Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got to drop my car
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off at the new lot."</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Euh what...What lot is that?"</p>
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<p>George: "Jiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five dollars
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a month."</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Seventy -five bucks a month!"</p>
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<p>George: " Yeah and you get this really cool T-shirt when you
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sign on.."</p>
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<p>Kramer: " Oh I'm down."</p>
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<p>Cuts to the Andover shop</p>
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<p>Jerry: (proud of himself) "Remember me? I said I 'd come back
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with someone and I did."</p>
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<p>"Surprised?."</p>
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<p>Craig: "No I believed you."</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Yeah.... well Elaine."</p>
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<p>Elaine: (looking up to the salesman)</p>
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<p>Craig: "Oh!... hello I'm Craig."</p>
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<p>Elaine: ".....Hi."</p>
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<p>Craig: "well (picks up the blazer again) here it is."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Oh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at this hand ticking
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around the crest."</p>
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<p>Craig: "You know your coats?"</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Well I'm in the biz .. I work for J. Peterman."</p>
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<p>Craig: "I love J. Peterman."</p>
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<p>Elaine: (giggling) "Ohhh!!."</p>
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<p>Craig: "I especially enjoy the catalogue, those fanciful narratives
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really take me away.."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Ohhh!! really ..well you know what, I write those."</p>
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<p>Craig: "No!!!"</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Yeeeahh!!!"</p>
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<p>Jerry: (impatiently cutting in) " Hey Elaine What about the
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crest.? What d'you think of the crest</p>
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<p>here."</p>
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<p>Elaine "Well I love it... "</p>
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<p>Jerry: "You what??"</p>
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<p>Elaine: "I think it's great. I think you should get it."</p>
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<p>Craig: "Well .... Will it be check or credit card?"</p>
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<p>Jerry: (giving up) "Check."</p>
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<p>Craig: "I'll need you to write down your phone number on the
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check for me. (turning to Elaine)</p>
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<p>"Perhaps you could do the same."</p>
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<p>Elaine: (laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl)</p>
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<p>Cuts to a street where Jerry & Elaine are walking</p>
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<p>Jerry: "You weren't supposed to say that."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "But I really did like it"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "That's not the point. You put me in a position where
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I had no choice."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "uhn... Sorry!"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "And what about that guy asking you out right in front
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of me?"</p>
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<p>Elaine: "What is the big deal!!"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "...'s very emasculating, he doesn't know the nature
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of our relationship. You're</p>
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<p>there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How dare
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he!!"</p>
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<p>Elaine: "He dared...."</p>
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<p>Cuts to George's apartment as he comes in.</p>
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<p>Ethan: (sitting in the couch and combing his wigs)"Hi George..
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How was your day?"</p>
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<p>George: "Good....good day (not too convincing) You?"</p>
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<p>Ethan: "I am getting so much work done..... See?"</p>
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<p>George: "Very nice"</p>
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<p>Susan: (walks in) "Hi sweety How was your day?</p>
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<p>Ethan: "I already ask him that. He said Good...Good day...."</p>
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<p>George scratches his head and the scene cuts to Jerry and Kramer's
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hallway</p>
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<p>Kramer: (frantically pulling at his doorknob) "Thank god you're
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home. I'm wiped out.</p>
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<p>I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment keys
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off the ring.</p>
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<p>So you got my spare?"</p>
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<p>Jerry : "No I gave it back to you"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "y'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum..... Can you take
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me over there?"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Oh Come on!!"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over to twelfth
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avenue.."</p>
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<p>Jerry:: "I didn,t tell you to park in that lot .. Now someone's
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gonna have</p>
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<p>to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus!"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "I'm not going to take the bus that's why I got a
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car!"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Forget it."</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Awright I'm gonna get George to pick me up."</p>
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<p>Jerry: "He wont take ya.."</p>
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<p>Kramer picks up the phone, calls George</p>
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<p>Phone rings at Georges and he's sitting between Susan and the wig
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master.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>George: (grabs the phone quick) "Got it, Got it,...Hello?"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Listen, Can you take me over to the Jiffy Park?"</p>
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<p>George: "Yeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All right
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All right....Hey! gotta go."</p>
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<p>Cuts to Georges car. Kramer changes the stations on the radio</p>
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<p>George: "So the Wig master.......the Wig master said you could
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stop by the theater tonight..</p>
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<p>and he'll show you around."</p>
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<p>George: "WOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!!"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "I like 'em all"(still fiddles with the radio)</p>
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<p>George: "Aw great. Now the volume knob fell off</p>
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<p>Kramer: (seems to pickup something on the floor) "....'s'this?"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Gawd!!!"</p>
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<p>George: "What?"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "That's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!!"</p>
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<p>They both shriek and the scene cuts to Monks</p>
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<p>Elaine: "How do you like working there at the .... hum...Andover
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shop?"</p>
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<p>"I mean it'sa pretty swanky upscale clientele."</p>
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<p>Craig : "Hmmm</p>
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<p>Elaine: "except for Jerry!"(laughs)</p>
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<p>Craig: "So did you see anything you'd like...."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Oh!!!"</p>
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<p>Craig: "Cause I can get you a considerable discount."</p>
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<p>Elaine "Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing
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little black dress...it was sleeveless...."</p>
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<p>Craig: "The Nicole Miller"</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Yeah..Yeah..."</p>
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<p>Craig: "I'll take care of it."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Really....but I barely know you."</p>
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<p>Craig: "Well...hum.....we'll just have to do something about
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that. Won't we."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Ah! Ah!ah!</p>
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<p>Jerry peeks into Monks window then comes in as Craig is leaving.</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Hey! Greg"</p>
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<p>Craig: "It's Craig"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?</p>
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<p>Craig: "Yes lovely."</p>
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<p>Jerry "You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't
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my girlfriend?"</p>
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<p>Craig: "Well I could just sense it"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Because you know we used to go out."</p>
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<p>Craig: "Oh ! you did"</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Oh Yeah we went way out and wild."</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Hey Jerr..."</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Hi Elaine."</p>
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<p>In comes a lady selling roses</p>
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<p>Lady: "Would you like to buy a rose for your wife? ( to Craig)"</p>
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<p>Craig and Elaine both laugh</p>
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<p>Jerry: "How do you know she's not my wife?</p>
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<p>Cuts to the Jiffy Park</p>
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<p>George: "I want to know how did that get into my car?"</p>
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<p>Attendant: "Hey look ..You walk in to this city you got to
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expect things are gonna </p>
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<p>stick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom."</p>
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<p>George: "That doesn't explain the lipstick on the dashboard?"</p>
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<p>Attendant: "Here take a few shirts...."</p>
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<p>A man walks over the attendant and whispers in to his ears.</p>
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<p>Attendant: "I'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we can't get
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your car now, the keys seems</p>
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<p>to have been misplaced."</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Wait a minute I need those keys. I wont be able to
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get into my apartment.</p>
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<p>Attendant: "Aaye Mr Kramer....You like Cadillacs?"</p>
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<p>Kramer: "...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously) Why ? What
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you got on your mind?"</p>
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<p>Attendant: "Take that pink Eldorado Cadillac over there ,
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it's a Mary Kay car...."</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Mary Kay uh?"</p>
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<p>Attendant: "Mary Kay car.."</p>
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<p>Kramer: (to George)" Well listen See you later ..thanks for
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driving me by..</p>
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<p>Two prostitutes walk up to a car</p>
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<p>Hooker: "Hey!! Whats happening?"</p>
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<p>George: "We're gonna hang around here a little while....something
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funny going on here"</p>
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<p>Cuts to Jerry's apartment</p>
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<p>Elaine: "You were wrong about Craig . He's a very sweet guy."</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Well, what about the ponytail?</p>
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<p>Elaine: "what about it?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry:: "C'mon Ponytail ...Get real."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "All I know he's promised me a discount on that dress."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Of course he did ..The guy's working ya."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough to know when
|
|
I'm being worked."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Have you slept with him yet?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "I just met him this morning."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "It's been known to happen....... telling you right
|
|
now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle</p>
|
|
<p>that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot
|
|
in front of a mule."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine:. "Well this is all very flattering...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (interrupts)"like a shark fisherman with a bucket of
|
|
(?) Ch....</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Ok...."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (continues)"Like a shrimp farmer....</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "OKAY!!!"</p>
|
|
<p>Cuts to the Majestic Theater.</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "Well that's the grand tour ... Aw but I save the best
|
|
for last..."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Oh yeah!!</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "Behold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer "Oooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular."</p>
|
|
<p>Cuts to the Jiffy Park</p>
|
|
<p>George: "S'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"</p>
|
|
<p>Hooker: "Are you a cop??"</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Oh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum... I work for
|
|
the Yankees."</p>
|
|
<p>Hooker: "Urghh They stink."</p>
|
|
<p>George: " Nevertheless.. I was wondering if you and your .friends
|
|
are doing business</p>
|
|
<p>here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people call
|
|
it? Turning tricks?"</p>
|
|
<p>"Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying
|
|
it's yours but.... I</p>
|
|
<p>want to know if I should just change parking lots."</p>
|
|
<p>Hooker: "Get lost mister, I'm trying to make a living here."</p>
|
|
<p>George: "I'll pay you for your time....I just ..I just need
|
|
some information . How much do you want?</p>
|
|
<p>ten....fifteen? You have change for twenty?</p>
|
|
<p>Hooker: "Fifteen?"</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: (walks in)" George?"</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Hi honey.."</p>
|
|
<p>Hooker picks up the money as George looks embarrassed.</p>
|
|
<p>Scene cuts to George's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: "..So you're telling me the truth?"</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Of Course I'm telling the truth."</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: "Because I have to be able to trust you... If I can't
|
|
trust you then there's no way that</p>
|
|
<p>this can work."</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Really!"</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: "Yeah."</p>
|
|
<p>George : "Well then...then you really have something to think
|
|
about because.....you know if there's</p>
|
|
<p>any doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to
|
|
be a big doubt, you know</p>
|
|
<p>even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and....."</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: "There's no doubt."</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Because if there's any doubt at all I...I feel we
|
|
should cultivate it."</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: "Cultivate it?"</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Yes, you know. Deal with it .We have to deal with
|
|
the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!! Must be</p>
|
|
<p>dealt with."</p>
|
|
<p>Susan: "I have no doubt George. Do you?"</p>
|
|
<p>George: (hesitates) "...Nooooooooooo..."</p>
|
|
<p>Cuts to Elaine and Craig waljing on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "You know... I can't wait to get that dress.."</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "Yeah... It should arrive eminently."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Arrive?"</p>
|
|
<p>Craig.: "Yes! From Milan."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "But you said it was in the store!."</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "No no no We sold out we had to order some more."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "But I thought .. Nicole Miller was made......."</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: (Interrupts) "Eeen!!!"</p>
|
|
<p>Ian: "Hey Craig."</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "Elaine this is Een."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Hi E-an"</p>
|
|
<p>Ian: "Een.."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "E-an"</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "Een... He's a friend a mine from England"</p>
|
|
<p>Ian: "(word missing) "What are doing?"</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "I'm working at the Andover shop actually....You should
|
|
come by. I'll get you a</p>
|
|
<p>great discount."</p>
|
|
<p>Ian: "Maybe I will. Nice meeting you."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Oh..Nice to meet you."</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "Bye"</p>
|
|
<p>Ian: "..Cheery-o</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Bye Eeeen."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "So you're giving him a discount too?"</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "Hummm Why so surprised?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Hem!! No reason."</p>
|
|
<p>Cuts to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Kramer are watching tv.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "You know that clothing salesman had a lot of nerve
|
|
hitting on Elaine right in front of me.</p>
|
|
<p>He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the
|
|
crest that nobody seems</p>
|
|
<p>to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket
|
|
back.. I'm putting this guy</p>
|
|
<p>....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION...."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Heeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Turn in?"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Yeah,I had a tough day"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "It's only nine o clock."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. It's an
|
|
argument you can't win."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "I can't go to sleep at nine o clock!"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Well you can go to your room and read."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's locked out.
|
|
I'm letting you stay here.</p>
|
|
<p>You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "But I'm tired.."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Aah! He's got a girl up there. This quilt is too
|
|
thin...I know I'm gonna get cold.</p>
|
|
<p>I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna sleep...."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Well that's all I got."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Can I sleep with you?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Huh?"</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Well you got that big comfortable bed and that nice
|
|
warm quilt."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping with me."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Why?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Why?"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Yeah!"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Do I really have to explain why?"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Well I......( Elaine pops in at that moment)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Hi!."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Hi...........What's that?"</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Squire's walking stick. I had to write about it for
|
|
the catalogue."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Wow."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "You want it?"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Yeaaahmm...."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "You can have ,I don't need it anymore."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Ooh Mama...( walks away)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong about Craig."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Yeah Why?"</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too...
|
|
a man Jerry."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "So ,Who is he?"</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Some friend of his from England."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Don't you see?...........It's all a big scam."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "You're nuts!"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "How do you know he's not wondering the same thing
|
|
about you?"</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine : "What d'you mean?"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "What do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks that you're
|
|
working him for the</p>
|
|
<p>discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings....
|
|
And then when</p>
|
|
<p>you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Aawwh Please....."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Now see the two of you need to work on trust... and
|
|
then and only then will there be a free</p>
|
|
<p>exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and
|
|
now if you</p>
|
|
<p>would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed."</p>
|
|
<p>Scene cuts to Jerry's bed. Lights are out. Kramer opens the light
|
|
and starts to read.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: (softly)"hmmm....patio furniture's on sale."</p>
|
|
<p>Cuts to the Jiffy Park the next morning.</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Excuse me...huh... I think I made a big mistake.
|
|
I'd like my deposit back please."</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "Whats the problem"</p>
|
|
<p>George: "You got hookers turning tricks in my car. How's that
|
|
for starters."</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "Haaan! That is all hearsay."</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Allright, very good I'd like my car and my deposit
|
|
back please"</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "Can't do it'</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Whadday'mean.?"</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "If you read the agreement you signed the deposit
|
|
is not refundable."</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Well does it say anywhere in the contract about my
|
|
car being used as a whorehouse?</p>
|
|
<p>'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either.."</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "What can I tell you buddy. Take it up with Consumer
|
|
Affairs."</p>
|
|
<p>George:. "All right , just give me my car and let me get the
|
|
hell out of here."</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "Well that's going to be a problem"</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Why?"</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "It's all the way in the back. Can't get it out
|
|
for a couple of days."</p>
|
|
<p>George: "What are you talking about.. I WANT MY CAR!!"</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "We ask that you please bear with us."</p>
|
|
<p>George: "Bear with you! This is a parking lot PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED
|
|
TO BE ABLE TO GET </p>
|
|
<p>THEIR CARS!!!"</p>
|
|
<p>Attendant: "Ideally.."</p>
|
|
<p>Scene cuts to the Andover shop.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket."</p>
|
|
<p>Teller: "Certainly. May I ask why?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "........For spite..."</p>
|
|
<p>Teller: "Spite?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "That's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold
|
|
it to me."</p>
|
|
<p>Teller: "I don't think you can return an item for spite."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "What do you mean?"</p>
|
|
<p>Teller: "Well if there was some problem with the garment.
|
|
If it were unsatisfactory in some way,then</p>
|
|
<p>we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any
|
|
of our conditions for a refund"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "That's ridiculous, I want to return it. What's the
|
|
difference what the reason is."</p>
|
|
<p>Teller: "Let me speak with the manager...excuse me .............Bob!"</p>
|
|
<p>(walks over to the manager and whispers)</p>
|
|
<p>Teller "........spite....."(Manager walks over)</p>
|
|
<p>Bob: "What seems to be the problem?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry : "Well I want to return this jacket and she asked me
|
|
why and I said for spite and now she</p>
|
|
<p>won't take it back."</p>
|
|
<p>Bob: "That's true. You can't return an item based purely on
|
|
spite."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry:. "Well So fine then ..then I don't want it and then
|
|
that's why I'm returning it"</p>
|
|
<p>Bob: "Well you already said spite so......"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "But I changed my mind.."</p>
|
|
<p>Bob: "No...you said spite...Too late."</p>
|
|
<p>Cuts to a terrace where Kramer is sitting with Ethan and a woman.</p>
|
|
<p>They make fun of a woman walking by.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "It's Halloween (not sure)</p>
|
|
<p>Charmaine: "Get a calendar honey! It's the 90's"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Hey! Elaine.."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "OH! Hey!!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "These are my friends Jerry and Elaine."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry & E: "Hi! How 'r u doing?"</p>
|
|
<p>Charmaine: "Hi I'm Charmaine"</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "I'm Ethan"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Yes, she's the costume designer and he's the wig
|
|
master for the show."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Hey You're staying with my friend George."</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "Right George! I get the feeling he doesn't want me
|
|
there."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Well he doesn't even want himself there."</p>
|
|
<p>(They all laugh)</p>
|
|
<p>Charmaine: "Why don't you sit down and join us?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "All right." (sits down)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine : "I can't I 've got to meet a friend."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Well what are we ...dog meat."</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan (to waiter) ....Champagne Coolies , please."</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: (to Elaine) "You've got really beautiful hair."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine "Oh Thanks, thank you very much."</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "Have you ever thought about selling it .It would make
|
|
a brilliant wig.."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "They make wigs out of human hairs?"</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan "..And pay plenty for them."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Well you guys are gonna have fun here so..bye take
|
|
care"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Yeah. See ou later.."</p>
|
|
<p>All: "Bye, now..".</p>
|
|
<p>Charmaine: "Oh! I just remembered I 've got to get the Dreamcoat
|
|
from the dry cleaners"</p>
|
|
<p>:Kramer "Hey! You gonna let me try the other one right?'</p>
|
|
<p>Charmaine: "Yeah. But you gonna have to be really careful
|
|
with it , it's my only backup."</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Hey! Who do you think you're talking to."</p>
|
|
<p>Charmaine: "Ok. Buh- bye!"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Bye!!"</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Bye!"</p>
|
|
<p>(they both leave. Jerry and Ethan are alone)</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "There's your Champagne Coolie. Well looks like it's
|
|
just you and me cowboy!."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: " ...Guess so."</p>
|
|
<p>Scene cuts to Elaine's appt.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Well, Here we are."</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "I....am..beat."(sits on the couch)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine : "(sighs)</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "Ohh! that's nice."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "So.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas when the Nicole
|
|
Millers are coming in?"</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "Oh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm.. Well the funniest
|
|
thing."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Huh!</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: "I've learned that the new shipment's coming in by
|
|
boat...</p>
|
|
<p>which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what with
|
|
the waves and all </p>
|
|
<p>.. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient ."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Hummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll arrive."</p>
|
|
<p>Craig: (yawns) ...Nno....I really don't......</p>
|
|
<p>Back to the terrace with Jerry and Ethan</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "How can she go with a guy like that , he's a mess...
|
|
I just don't see them together at all"</p>
|
|
<p>A man approaches.</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie: "Ethan?"</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "Yes.."</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie:. "Hi it's me Jessie....George Hamilton's personal
|
|
assistant."</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan:. "Right, Right.</p>
|
|
<p>Both greet each other</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "How you doin'?"</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie: "nice to see you.."</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "This is Jerry."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Hello.."</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie:. "yeah , hummm ( turns back to Ethan) Ethan ,what
|
|
brings you in to town."</p>
|
|
<p>Ethan: "I'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor
|
|
Dreamcoat"</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie: "You're kidding... Listen maybe you and I should...ehmmm
|
|
get together . Have you</p>
|
|
<p>been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... Are you asking him
|
|
out ?</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie: "Yeah...I guess you could say that..</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Right in front of me!. How do you know we're not together.
|
|
Two guys ,sittin' laughin'</p>
|
|
<p>drinking Champagne Coolies."</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie: "I dunno I just didn't think you were."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Well we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you
|
|
think that."</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie: "I dont know. I just didn't."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Well it's very emasculating.."</p>
|
|
<p>Jessie looks befuddled and leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>Back to Elaine's phone rings.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Hello."</p>
|
|
<p>Bob:. "Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop. I'm trying to
|
|
reach Craig Stewart. He left this </p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>number."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Uhmmm huh! Is it important.?</p>
|
|
<p>Bob: "Well....."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: "Let me ask you something. ahemm..Do you know when
|
|
the Nicole Millers are coming in from</p>
|
|
<p>Milan?."</p>
|
|
<p>Bob: "Nicole Millers, We're not expecting any Nicole Millers,
|
|
in fact we have too many as it is."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine "Well do you have any in a... size four.?"</p>
|
|
<p>Bob: "Yes several.. Just tell him he doesn't have to be in
|
|
tomorrow before Eleven."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: (sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure he gets the message."</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine then looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks "They make
|
|
wigs out of human hair....And pay </p>
|
|
<p>plenty for them."</p>
|
|
<p>she then picks up a pair of scissors..</p>
|
|
<p>Scene cuts to a woman in a white coat and hat leaving a store.
|
|
Her hat gets caught in a gust of wind.</p>
|
|
<p>and starts rolling down the street. Kramer picks up the hat with
|
|
the walking stick and puts it on.</p>
|
|
<p>He struts down the street with the Dreamcoat/hat/stick looking
|
|
very much like a stereotype pimp.</p>
|
|
<p>He goes to the Jiffy Park to pick up the Cadillac"</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: (looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh Sweet Maria. Hey!
|
|
lets go.</p>
|
|
<p>Out comes the hooker with a client.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Hey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey! Where
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you going."</p>
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<p>Hooker: "Hey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts hitting
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Kramer)</p>
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<p>Kramer: "Cool it lady ( they struggle and we here a siren)</p>
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<p>Police: "Policer officer. Freeze right there."</p>
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<p>As the credits roll we hear an officer telling Kramer who is to
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get his picture taken.</p>
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<p>Police: "OK Big Daddy. Take the hat off...... awright turn
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to your right...(Kramer hesitates)</p>
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<p>I SAID TURN PIMP."</p>
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<p>Kramer: (cries) I'M NOT A PIMP.!!!.</p>
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<p>End.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<!-- content -->
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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</script>
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</div>
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<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
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<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
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<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
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//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
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}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|