850 lines
44 KiB
HTML
850 lines
44 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
|
|
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"
|
|
xmlns:og="http://opengraphprotocol.org/schema/"
|
|
xmlns:fb="http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml"><!-- InstanceBegin template="/Templates/seinfeld.dwt" codeOutsideHTMLIsLocked="false" -->
|
|
<head>
|
|
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
|
|
<META NAME="AUTHOR" CONTENT="Doctoroids" />
|
|
<META NAME="COPYRIGHT" CONTENT="© 2002-2010 Doctoroids" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="doctitle" -->
|
|
<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Wizard </title>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<link href="support-files/seinfeld.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="docdescription" -->
|
|
<meta name="description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Wizard. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="dockeywords" -->
|
|
<meta name="keywords" content="the wizard, seinfeld wizard, seinfeld scripts, seinfeld, seinfeld episode" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
window.google_analytics_uacct = "UA-16472669-1";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<link rel="image_src" href="images/seinfeld-share.jpg" />
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://s7.addthis.com/js/250/addthis_widget.js#username=doctoroids">var addthis_config = {data_track_clickback: true};</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="head" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="pagetype" -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageType="CONTENT";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script>
|
|
|
|
<meta property="og:site_name" content="SeinfeldScripts"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:app_id" content="164823560224402"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:admins" content="824270386"/>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="ogdata" -->
|
|
<meta property="og:image" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/images/seinfeld-cast.jpg"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:title" content="The Wizard"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:type" content="tv_show"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:url" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheWizard.htm"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Wizard. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes"/>
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
</head>
|
|
<body>
|
|
<div class="wrap">
|
|
<div class="head_title">
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div id="menu">
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<!-- **** INSERT NAVIGATION ITEMS HERE (use id="selected" to identify the page you're on **** -->
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Gifts</a></li>
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<div class="addthis_toolbox addthis_default_style" id="menu_share">
|
|
<li><a style="padding: 8px 3px 8px 160px" href="http://addthis.com/bookmark.php?v=250&username=doctoroids" class="addthis_button_compact">Share</a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_facebook"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_twitter"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_googlebuzz"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_digg"></a></li>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="underMenu">
|
|
<a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com">Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community!</a></div>
|
|
|
|
<div id="content"><!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="main_content" -->
|
|
<h1>The Wizard</h1>
|
|
|
|
<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
|
|
<tr>
|
|
<td>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-in_content-top_left */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4619537930";
|
|
google_ad_width = 300;
|
|
google_ad_height = 250;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
</td>
|
|
</tr>
|
|
</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Transcribed by Ivy<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: "Keep it real!"<br>
|
|
George: "Let's get nuts!"<br>
|
|
George, at Monk's with Jerry: "When are they gonna learn that
|
|
any news about<br>
|
|
China is an instant page-turner?"<br>
|
|
George, seeing Jerry with a small black device: "What's that?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm
|
|
goin' to Florida<br>
|
|
for his birthday."<br>
|
|
George: "How much was it?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't
|
|
care about the<br>
|
|
gift. He gets excited about the deal."<br>
|
|
George: "Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe
|
|
it's hot. That's<br>
|
|
his favorite."<br>
|
|
George: "I got a message from the Rosses at work today."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to
|
|
them?"<br>
|
|
George: "At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down,
|
|
I always kinda<br>
|
|
felt that they blamed me for Susan's death."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes?
|
|
That's silly."<br>
|
|
Elaine, entering Monk's with her boyfriend: "Oh, um... Darryl.
|
|
These are...<br>
|
|
people I know. Jerry, George."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run, Elaine. I'll see
|
|
you later."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "OK."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Still no Puddy?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just
|
|
gave up. Well,<br>
|
|
what do you think?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big
|
|
deal?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "What black guy?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Darryl. He's black, isn't he?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "He is?"<br>
|
|
George: "No, he isn't."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Isn't he, Elaine?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "You think?"<br>
|
|
George: "I thought he looked Irish."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "What's his last name?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Nelson."<br>
|
|
George: "That's not Irish."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "I think he's black."<br>
|
|
George: "Should we be talkin' about this?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "I think it's OK."<br>
|
|
George: "No, it isn't."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Why not?"<br>
|
|
George: "Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "If he's black."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Is he black?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Does it matter?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Oh, so you need to know?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be
|
|
nice if I knew."<br>
|
|
Waitress: "Should I take that?"<br>
|
|
Jerry, getting out his wallet: "Uh, one second."<br>
|
|
Elaine, looking in her purse: "Oh, here."<br>
|
|
George, pulling out some money: "Uh, yeah. Hang on. Just...
|
|
yeah."<br>
|
|
[when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly get
|
|
out lots<br>
|
|
of money for her tip]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George, with Jerry in his apartment, on the phone: "Uh, Mrs.
|
|
Ross? It's-it's<br>
|
|
George."<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "Uh, who?"<br>
|
|
George: "George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no
|
|
speak."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross, walking by Mrs. Ross: "We're all out of lime juice.
|
|
I told that<br>
|
|
woman to buy more."<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having
|
|
an event this<br>
|
|
weekend."<br>
|
|
George: "Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons,
|
|
and I have got<br>
|
|
to get out there this weekend and sign the papers."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross, again walking by: "I'm goin' back to bed."<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "Thank you for calling, George."<br>
|
|
George: "Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh...
|
|
OK, I gotta<br>
|
|
go."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "House in the Hamptons?"<br>
|
|
George: "Well, you know, I've been lyin' about my income for
|
|
a few years. I<br>
|
|
figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment to find Jerry and George: "Well."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Hey."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Wow. What are we celebrating?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Uh, you remember my coffee table book?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "With the little legs?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned
|
|
it for a movie."<br>
|
|
George: "How are they gonna make that book into a movie?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "You remember that photo book on toy ray guns?"<br>
|
|
George: "Yeah?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Independence Day?"<br>
|
|
George: "Oh."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "How much are they payin' you?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working
|
|
for a while.<br>
|
|
A long while."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "That's funny because I haven't seen you working for
|
|
a while. A long<br>
|
|
while."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging
|
|
it up. Boys, I'm<br>
|
|
retiring."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "From what?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've
|
|
accomplished<br>
|
|
everything I've set out to do."<br>
|
|
Jerry, seeing that Kramer has a new watch: "What's that?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Oh, I bought myself a little retirement gift. Gold
|
|
watch."<br>
|
|
Jerry and George: "Ooh!"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Well, it's not really gold."<br>
|
|
Jerry and George: "Aww."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music being
|
|
played,<br>
|
|
and smiles knowingly]<br>
|
|
Elaine, as Darryl opens his door: "Hey."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Hey."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Great music."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that stuff twenty
|
|
four hours a day.<br>
|
|
I hate it."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Yo, you! Turn it down!"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have any cultural
|
|
significance?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "They're... African."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Right. African."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "South Africa."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "My family used to live there, but, uh, we got out
|
|
years ago, for<br>
|
|
obvious reasons. You know how it is."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Maybe."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George, to a street vender selling hot dogs: "You must hate
|
|
hot dogs, huh? Or<br>
|
|
else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do this."<br>
|
|
[the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe
|
|
George not<br>
|
|
being in the Hamptons, and move on]<br>
|
|
George: "I'll tell ya, if I had one of these things, I'd be
|
|
eatin' hot dogs<br>
|
|
all the time."<br>
|
|
Vender: "Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not?"<br>
|
|
George: "Mmm... no."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty, in Florida, as Jerry comes out of his room, having just woken
|
|
up:<br>
|
|
"Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "It's 5:30 in the morning!"<br>
|
|
Helen: "We let you sleep in."<br>
|
|
Jerry, handing his dad a gift: "Well, as long as I'm up. Dad,
|
|
I got you a<br>
|
|
birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "What does that mean?"<br>
|
|
Helen: "Leave your father alone. It's his birthday."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty
|
|
miles an hour.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard<br>
|
|
organizer."<br>
|
|
Morty: "This looks like too much money."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like,
|
|
fifty bucks."<br>
|
|
Morty: "You think it's hot?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Could be."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer!"<br>
|
|
Helen: "I'm right here."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail,
|
|
fax, there's a<br>
|
|
calculator."<br>
|
|
Morty: "So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the
|
|
tip?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily
|
|
planner."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Helen, we got into restaurants and figure out the tips."<br>
|
|
Helen: "Jerry, you're getting your father too excited."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer, entering the condo, and going to the fridge as if he's a
|
|
neighbor:<br>
|
|
"Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Kramer, what are you doing here?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door."<br>
|
|
Helen: "Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped
|
|
on it."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people
|
|
come to die."<br>
|
|
Jerry, getting looks from his parents: "Not you. Older people."<br>
|
|
Helen: "Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something.
|
|
How 'bout a<br>
|
|
feta cheese omelette?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "If you feed him, he'll never leave."<br>
|
|
Helen: "We don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and
|
|
Egg Beaters?"<br>
|
|
Kramer, immaturely: "I guess."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "I can't believe this."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine, with George at Monk's: "So, George, do you have any
|
|
thoughts on this<br>
|
|
Darryl situation?"<br>
|
|
George: "Actually, I did have a thought."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Oh."<br>
|
|
George: "Why don't you just ask him?"<br>
|
|
Elaine, rudely and giving him a 'duh' look: "Because, if I
|
|
ask him, then it's<br>
|
|
like I really want to know."<br>
|
|
George: "Maybe he's, um... mixed."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Is that the right word?"<br>
|
|
George: "I really don't think we're supposed to be talkin'
|
|
about this."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Yeah."<br>
|
|
George, standing up: "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom."<br>
|
|
Elaine, starting to leave: "You know what, I'm leavin'."<br>
|
|
George: "Yeah."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets back."<br>
|
|
Elaine, seeing the Rosses entering Monk's: "Oh. Mrs. Ross,
|
|
Mr. Ross."<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "Oh, you're George's friend."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "We saw him in the city this weekend. Uh, what happened
|
|
to his<br>
|
|
place in the Hamptons?"<br>
|
|
Elaine, laughing uproariously: "The Hamptons? George Costanza?
|
|
I, uh... I<br>
|
|
don't think so. Have a good one."<br>
|
|
George: "Rosses."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "George, we were just talking about you."<br>
|
|
George: "Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing. But
|
|
this was one of<br>
|
|
those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about."<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "Really?"<br>
|
|
George: "Yeah, I may move out there."<br>
|
|
George, getting 'yeah, right' glances from the Rosses: "I mean
|
|
it, I'll do<br>
|
|
it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty, eating lunch with Helen and Jerry: "Another fine meal,
|
|
and now for my<br>
|
|
Wizard tip calculator."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Dad, it's got lots of other functions."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions."<br>
|
|
Morty, trying to open it: "I can't get it open."<br>
|
|
[Jerry easily opens it]<br>
|
|
Helen: "Yay! Jerry got it open."<br>
|
|
Morty: "The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill
|
|
the water.<br>
|
|
How does 12.4% sound?"<br>
|
|
Jerry, looking at the Wizard: "Well, your tip is four dollars
|
|
and thirty-six<br>
|
|
point six six six six cents."<br>
|
|
Morty: "We'll round down."<br>
|
|
Helen: "Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your
|
|
father's<br>
|
|
birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because
|
|
you were<br>
|
|
impeached at the other condo."<br>
|
|
Morty: "I was never impeached! I resigned!"<br>
|
|
Helen: "Even so, the press would bury him!"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "What press?"<br>
|
|
Helen: "The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Pinko Commie rag."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Old Man, coming up to the three Seinfelds: "Hey, Morty. Your
|
|
boy here, he<br>
|
|
just got a date with that young aquacise instructor."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "She's fifty."<br>
|
|
Old Man: "You know what he's got? He's got charisma. That's
|
|
my man."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "All right, I'll see you guys."<br>
|
|
Old Man: "Yeah."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Yeah."<br>
|
|
[Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right next
|
|
to him,<br>
|
|
staring at his face]<br>
|
|
Kramer, taping Morty's glasses: "Morty, what're you lookin'
|
|
at?"<br>
|
|
Morty: "I'll tell you what I'm looking at: the next condo president
|
|
of Del<br>
|
|
Boca Vista, Phase Three."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Hmm."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Darryl, with Elaine in his apartment: "Elaine, thank you for
|
|
the Wizard!"<br>
|
|
[Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly]<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Wow, it's got so many functions."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. First thing is
|
|
first. Warranty<br>
|
|
information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball..."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Well, I don't do that stuff."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
|
|
Um. Oh,<br>
|
|
here's one: race."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Isn't that optional?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business!
|
|
But they really<br>
|
|
would like to know."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "All right, I'm... Asian."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "What?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Just to mess with 'em."<br>
|
|
Elaine: laughing awkwardly: "Oh. Right. Good one."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Average income, uh... over a hundred thousand."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Really?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Does that matter?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "No, but... it is very nice to know."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry, in his parent's condo, on the phone with Elaine: "So
|
|
did you figure<br>
|
|
out Darryl's... you know."<br>
|
|
Elaine, in Jerry's apartment: "Ah, I've given up. So, now we're
|
|
going to a<br>
|
|
bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way."<br>
|
|
Jerry, as Kramer walks by: "You're a master of race relations."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Yeah, it's all my father's doing."<br>
|
|
[Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry
|
|
to hand him<br>
|
|
a magazine from the table]<br>
|
|
Jerry: "He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then
|
|
wield power<br>
|
|
from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair."<br>
|
|
George, entering Jerry's apartment: "Jerry?"<br>
|
|
Elaine, to George: "He's still down with his folks."<br>
|
|
George, to Elaine: "What are you doin' here?"<br>
|
|
Jerry, overhearing the other two: "Elaine, Elaine--"<br>
|
|
Elaine, to George: "I'm gettin' his mail."<br>
|
|
Jerry, overhearing the other two: "Oh, no."<br>
|
|
George, to Elaine: "He asked you to get the mail?"<br>
|
|
Elaine, to George: "Mm-hmm."<br>
|
|
George, taking the phone from Elaine: "Jerry, why is Elaine
|
|
getting your<br>
|
|
mail?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "George, listen to me. I have a very important job for
|
|
you. I want you<br>
|
|
to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't
|
|
dry out and<br>
|
|
leak."<br>
|
|
Elaine, trying to understand what they're talking about: "What?"<br>
|
|
George: "What about the mail?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets,
|
|
George."<br>
|
|
George, hanging up: "All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George, with Elaine in Jerry's apartment: "So, I ran into the
|
|
Rosses again."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get
|
|
the idea that you<br>
|
|
have a place in the Hamptons?"<br>
|
|
George: "From me."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "What did you say?"<br>
|
|
George: "I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did
|
|
you say?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed."<br>
|
|
George: "So, they knew? Those liars!"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "But you lied first."<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
George: "Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons,
|
|
they<br>
|
|
never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're
|
|
lying.<br>
|
|
You call them a liar!"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Like you're a liar!"<br>
|
|
George: "Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', not over."<br>
|
|
George: "Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses
|
|
and inviting<br>
|
|
them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see
|
|
who blinks<br>
|
|
first."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Haven't you done enough to these people?"<br>
|
|
George: "This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me,
|
|
I have to exercise<br>
|
|
Jerry's gaskets."<br>
|
|
[Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer, to a room: "Vote for Kramer."<br>
|
|
Kramer, to a man walking by: "Cosmo Kramer. I'm running for
|
|
condo president.<br>
|
|
I'd like your vote. Thanks."<br>
|
|
Kramer, to an old woman: "Remember, ma'am, a vote for me, is
|
|
a vote for<br>
|
|
Kramer."<br>
|
|
Old Woman: "Will you cut my meat?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Gladly."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Waitress, to Darryl, who's with Elaine at Monk's: "Coffee?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Sure."<br>
|
|
Waitress, to Darryl: "Are you black? Or should I bring some
|
|
cream."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "I'm black."<br>
|
|
Darryl, re-thinking: "Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream."<br>
|
|
Darryl, seeing a couple gesturing towards him and Elaine: "Did
|
|
you hear that?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "What?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "God, there are still people who have trouble with
|
|
an interracial<br>
|
|
couple."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Interracial? Us?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Isn't that unbelievable!?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Yes, it's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial
|
|
couple.<br>
|
|
That is racism!"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "I don't feel like eating."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey club."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: "So... here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons."<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "Sounds grand."<br>
|
|
George: "Do you have your bathing suits?"<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "It's March."<br>
|
|
George: "Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's
|
|
a two-hour drive.<br>
|
|
Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons.
|
|
All<br>
|
|
right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry, in his parent's condo, to his father, who's in another room:
|
|
"Hey,<br>
|
|
Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you
|
|
need to take<br>
|
|
a vitamin."<br>
|
|
Jerry, as Kramer comes walking out in a retirement-like athletic
|
|
sweatsuit:<br>
|
|
"Dad, you look so different."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people,
|
|
one... must<br>
|
|
walk among them."<br>
|
|
Morty, coming into the hall: "This is the home stretch. Tomorrow's
|
|
the<br>
|
|
election!"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock.
|
|
But then<br>
|
|
when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight
|
|
p.m."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "You know, you can put that whole schedule right in
|
|
your daily<br>
|
|
planner."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Daily what?"<br>
|
|
Helen, coming into the condo: "Have you read today's Boca Breeze?"<br>
|
|
Kramer, looking at the newsletter: "Hey, look at that. Picture
|
|
of me, huh?"<br>
|
|
Kramer, reading out loud: "Candidate Cosmo Kramer caught barefoot
|
|
in<br>
|
|
clubhouse."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you realize this is
|
|
against the<br>
|
|
rules."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Well, I couldn't find my shoes."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives
|
|
to move down<br>
|
|
here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules."<br>
|
|
Helen: "Who wants hot chocolate?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Oh, yeah! Me."<br>
|
|
Morty: "This is a huge scandal! We need damage control."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators,
|
|
huh?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Wizards!"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every
|
|
member on the<br>
|
|
condo board."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Kramer..."<br>
|
|
Morty: "There are twenty people on the board. Thank God you
|
|
can get that<br>
|
|
deal."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. All right, what
|
|
do we next,<br>
|
|
Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?"<br>
|
|
Morty, rushing to his bedroom: "First, I need a nap."<br>
|
|
Helen, running after him: "Oh, I'll get your electric blanket!"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Well, what about your deal, huh?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a
|
|
pop. What do I<br>
|
|
do?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Down here?"<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George, driving in the car with the Rosses: "And that leads
|
|
into the master<br>
|
|
bedroom."<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "Tell us more."<br>
|
|
George: "You want to hear more? The master bedroom opens into
|
|
the solarium."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "Another solarium?"<br>
|
|
George: "Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses,
|
|
too?"<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "What are their names?"<br>
|
|
George: "Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving?"<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. We'll buy
|
|
you a<br>
|
|
housewarming gift."<br>
|
|
George, chuckling to himself: "Housewarming gift."<br>
|
|
George, swerving the car to go to the antique stand: "All right,
|
|
we're taking<br>
|
|
it up a notch!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Waitress at Monk's, handing Elaine a menu: "Here you go."<br>
|
|
Elaine, to the black waitress: "Long day?"<br>
|
|
Waitress: "Yeah, I just worked a triple shift."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "I hear ya, Sister."<br>
|
|
Waitress: "Sister?"<br>
|
|
Elaine, as Darryl comes into Monk's: "Yeah. It's OK. My boyfriend's
|
|
black.<br>
|
|
Here he is. See?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Hi, Elaine."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Hey."<br>
|
|
Waitress: "He's black?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Yeah."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "I'm black?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Aren't you?"<br>
|
|
Waitress, leaving: "I'll give you a couple minutes to decide."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "What are you talking about?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "You're black. You said we were an interracial couple."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "We are. Because you're Hispanic."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "I am?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Aren't you?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "No. Why would you think that?"<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking
|
|
me to those<br>
|
|
Spanish restaurants."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "That's because I thought you were black."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because
|
|
I'm black?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "I don't think we should be talking about this."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "So, what are you?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "I'm white."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "So, we're just a couple of white people?"<br>
|
|
Elaine: "I guess."<br>
|
|
Darryl: "Oh."<br>
|
|
Elaine: "Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?"<br>
|
|
Darryl, leaving with Elaine: "Sure."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer, having lunch with Jerry and his parents: "Oh, well...
|
|
I handed out<br>
|
|
all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think
|
|
we've got<br>
|
|
this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman
|
|
Burgerman,<br>
|
|
he won't be leavin' any tips where he is."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Aw."<br>
|
|
Morty: "Congratulations, Mr. President."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master."<br>
|
|
Old Man: "Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators?"<br>
|
|
Morty: "What are you talking about?"<br>
|
|
Old Man: "It's overtipping. I just left five bucks for a BLT."<br>
|
|
Morty: "This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!"<br>
|
|
Old Man #2: "Mine doesn't have a seven!"<br>
|
|
Old Man #3: "I'm ruined!"<br>
|
|
Morty: "Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars."<br>
|
|
Morty: "You didn't have a deal?"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "No deal. Not hot."<br>
|
|
Old Man: "Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished."<br>
|
|
Kramer: "What?"<br>
|
|
Old Man: "Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair."<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Kramer, getting up to leave: "Well, the people have spoken.
|
|
Well, that's it<br>
|
|
for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York."<br>
|
|
Jerry: "Dad, I'm sorry."<br>
|
|
Morty: "You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars
|
|
on a tip<br>
|
|
calculator?!"<br>
|
|
Jerry: "It does other things!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross, with his wife and George, on a beach: "Where are
|
|
we, George?"<br>
|
|
George: "Almost there."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your
|
|
house?"<br>
|
|
George: "We, uh, we go on foot from here."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "All right."<br>
|
|
George: "There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium.
|
|
There's no<br>
|
|
Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "We know."<br>
|
|
George: "Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out
|
|
here? Why<br>
|
|
didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?"<br>
|
|
Mrs. Ross: "We don't like you, George."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan."<br>
|
|
George: "Oh."<br>
|
|
Mr. Ross: "All right! Let's head back."<br>
|
|
END<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Generously donated by: Ivy, Ivy's Seinfeld Page
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
|
|
|
|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
|
|
<div id="upperBox">
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|