733 lines
43 KiB
HTML
733 lines
43 KiB
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<h1>The Abstinence</h1>
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<p align="left">Episode 142</p>
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<p align="left">Transcript by Ethan Brown</p>
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<p align="left">% Jerry and George are sitting outside.</p>
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<p align="left">George: Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over
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the Andes.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Why are we flyin' over the Andes?</p>
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<p align="left">George: We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the
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plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Kramer.</p>
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<p align="left">George: So fast? What about me?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: No.</p>
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<p align="left">George: Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content.
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It's better for you.</p>
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<p align="left">George: Well I would eat you.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: That's very nice, I guess.</p>
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<p align="left">George: I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me.
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I'm your best friend.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Look, if other people are having some, I'll
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try you.</p>
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<p align="left">George: Thank you.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Can I have a piece of that?</p>
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<p align="left">George: No.</p>
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<p align="left">% George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.</p>
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<p align="left">Louise: George, I can't have sex.</p>
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<p align="left">George: With me or in general?</p>
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<p align="left">Louise: I went to the doctor today. I have mono.</p>
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<p align="left">George: Nucleosis.</p>
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<p align="left">Louise: Oh I hope it's not a problem for you.</p>
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<p align="left">George: No, no, pff...</p>
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<p align="left">Louise: How long is this not gonna be a problem for
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me?</p>
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<p align="left">% Jerry's apartment...</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Six weeks?</p>
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<p align="left">George: Yeah, six weeks.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before.</p>
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<p align="left">George: I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm
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a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?</p>
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<p align="left">George: I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those
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guys.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: What guys?</p>
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<p align="left">George: Like us. (Elaine enters)</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Yeah.</p>
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<p align="left">George: So it's just mono.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical
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advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor
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was debunked.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk.</p>
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<p align="left">George: No something is bunk and then you debunk it.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: What?</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Huh?</p>
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<p align="left">George: I think. (Pause as they all look down)</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it.
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Let's just move on. (Phone rings)</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Hello?</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: Jerry.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Oh hi, Katie.</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: Listen, something just came up for Tuesday
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at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no
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good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high.</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss.
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Katie works for Jerry.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Yes, all right, Katie.</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: Sorry for the late notice.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Yes, bye.</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: You're the-- (He hangs up)</p>
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<p align="left">George: They asked you to do career day?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Yeah, it's no big deal.</p>
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<p align="left">George: Oh with all due respect, I went there too,
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and I work for a team that just won the World Series.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: And you were integral.</p>
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<p align="left">% Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting
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outside classroom. Teacher enters hall.</p>
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<p align="left">Teacher: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down
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here.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: I'm on next, right?</p>
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<p align="left">Teacher: Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the
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Bronx zoo...</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: The guy with the lizard.</p>
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<p align="left">Teacher: Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets,
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and the children just love him. And we're outta time.</p>
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<p align="left">% Hear kids from the classroom all say "Eww!"</p>
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<p align="left">Teacher: So can you come back tomorrow?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from
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career day?</p>
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<p align="left">% Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: So do most doctors like ER or do you guys
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just think it's fake?</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really
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a doctor.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to
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you.</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical
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school, but I still have to pass my licensing exam.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: When do you take this exam?</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: I've taken it. Three times. I almost passed the
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last one.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? I
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mean, people do call you doctor.</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: Well, um...</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Well, can I introduce you as doctor?</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: Yeah.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: All right, that's all I wanted to know.</p>
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<p align="left">% George and Louise sitting on his couch. He touches
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her leg.</p>
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<p align="left">Louise: Mono. (George removes hand)</p>
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<p align="left">% Jerry and George at Monk's.</p>
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<p align="left">George: It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking
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all night.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: So you're enjoying the not enjoying.</p>
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<p align="left">George: you know, just by conversing, you can really
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learn a lot about a person. </p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Hey, buddy. How was career day?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.</p>
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<p align="left">George: You got bumped from career day?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: It was a mix-up, I'm sure.</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to
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screw with my head?</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number
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when you buy batteries? I don't know.</p>
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<p align="left">% Kramer lights cigar.</p>
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<p align="left">George: Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You
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can't smoke in here.</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)</p>
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<p align="left">Larry: Take it outside.</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Come on, Larry. You know me.</p>
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<p align="left">Larry: It bothers people, and it's against the law.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: You can make all the laws you want, he's still
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gonna bother people.</p>
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<p align="left">% Outside Monk's, Kramer sees man smoking.</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: What, did they kick you out too?</p>
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<p align="left">Man: Yeah, they kicked us all out.</p>
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<p align="left">% At Jerry's junior high school, Jerry is outside
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classroom with teacher.</p>
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<p align="left">Teacher: Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care
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for a graham cracker?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off)
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What? What is going on? What is that about?</p>
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<p align="left">Teacher: Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: But I was promised this slot.</p>
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<p align="left">Teacher: Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line)</p>
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<p align="left">% At Jerry's apartment, George is sitting on couch,
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watching Jeopardy and playing with a Rubik's cube while Jerry is
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talking to him.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Fire drill, can you believe that?</p>
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<p align="left">George: What is Pericles?</p>
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<p align="left">Alex Trebek: Pericles is correct.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer
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enters)</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Hey, you got any matches?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Middle drawer.</p>
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<p align="left">George: Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?</p>
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<p align="left">Alex Trebek: We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur
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Conan Doyle.'</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Hello?</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: Jerry.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Oh hi, Katie.</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: I heard what happened to the junior high. They
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can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.</p>
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<p align="left">George: What is Borax?</p>
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<p align="left">Alex Trebek: Yes, you're right.</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: They bump you in junior high, the next thing
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you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools.
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Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer
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enters)</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Ashtrays?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: No, I don't have any ashtrays.</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Ooh, cereal bowls.</p>
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<p align="left">Katie: Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care
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of it.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p align="left">Kramer: All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)</p>
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<p align="left">George: What is Tungsten or Wolfram?</p>
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<p align="left">Alex Trebek: We were looking for 'What is Tungsten,
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or Wolfram'.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Is this a repeat?</p>
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<p align="left">George: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking
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a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken
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Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with
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Louise.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer
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pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.</p>
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<p align="left">George: You think?</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain.
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(Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain
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consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off
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tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large
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piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from
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this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless
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lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats
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tiny piece of lettuce)</p>
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<p align="left">George: Oh my God. I just remembered where I left
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my retainer in second grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's
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cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Need some more matches.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: What is goin' on in there?</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: I met some people smoking on the street, so
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I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: Why?</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: It doesn't?</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Jerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: why not? </p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.</p>
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<p align="left">Jerry: All right.
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</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer: Yeah.</p>
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<p align="left">% Elaine and Ben are at Monk's.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: So when they're handing you those cadavers,
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do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman?</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me out. (Sue
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Ellen Mischke enters with a man)</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Oh my God. </p>
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<p align="left">Ben: What's wrong?</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend
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I hate. (Elaine tries to cover her face)</p>
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<p align="left">Sue Ellen: Elaine? Hi.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Oh hi, Sue Ellen.</p>
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<p align="left">Sue Ellen: Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend of
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mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen.</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: Well, I'm an intern.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's
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a very good doctor.</p>
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<p align="left">Woman: Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Well, there's a doctor right here.</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: No there's not.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: Can't you at least tell him what to do?</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: Like what?</p>
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<p align="left">Sue Ellen: Shouldn't he elevate his legs?</p>
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<p align="left">Ben: Right. Elevate your legs!</p>
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<p align="left">% Elaine is giving Larry the cook flowers.</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine: I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes
|
|
he could've helped.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Larry: I thought he was a doctor.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor.
|
|
(She walks away and sees George sitting down reading books) George.
|
|
(He holds up his hand to signal her to wait a second.)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Of course. Absolute zero!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: What? What is with all these books?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: I stopped having sex.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Outside of Kramer and Jerry's apartments. A bunch
|
|
of people are in the hall, which is filled with smoke.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I
|
|
got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter
|
|
section. (Jerry enters) Hey.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in
|
|
there?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying
|
|
themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted.
|
|
(Katie enters)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Katie: Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer
|
|
the phone.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: I was out.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Katie: Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: An assembly?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Katie: Two hours in front of the entire junior high,
|
|
grades six through eight. That's six grade, seventh grade--</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: I understand. But what am I gonna talk about
|
|
for two hours?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Katie: And, it is already in the school paper. They
|
|
cancelled Rick James.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Superfreak?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Katie: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Elaine is sitting on her couch with Ben.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: What is your answer to number 74?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Ben: Medobolic acidosis.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Ben: Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% George and Yankees Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams
|
|
are at the ballpark.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple
|
|
physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory,
|
|
t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home
|
|
run) It's not complicated.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jeter: Now who are you again?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling
|
|
secretary.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada
|
|
in Milwaukee?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you
|
|
wanna win some ball games?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jeter: We won the World Series.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: In six games.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Elaine, Jerry, and George sitting at Monk's Cafe.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: ...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to
|
|
make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Nine minutes.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: How am I gonna fill two hours?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Hello? I can take an hour off your hands.
|
|
Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: And give you the chance to see some real disappointed
|
|
kids. (Waitress comes to table)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Waitress: More coffee?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese
|
|
accent?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Waitress: Si</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Waitress: Mute pragalas senor</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Eh, don't mention it.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Portuguese?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've
|
|
picked it up.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped
|
|
having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Are you all right?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last coupla days
|
|
my mind has been, not good.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The
|
|
no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: What? What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You
|
|
just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash
|
|
out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick
|
|
it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling
|
|
up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through.
|
|
You're stupid.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: I don't understand.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Exactly.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Jerry's apartment. Kramer enters smoking.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Hey buddy.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe
|
|
night.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: What? What happened to your face? It looks
|
|
like an old catcher's mitt.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: What?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Kramer checks it out.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: My face is all craggly, it's crinkly.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced
|
|
a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not
|
|
this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to
|
|
this face.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Kramer exits. Cut to Elaine's.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie
|
|
the blank.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">B: Pooh!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Pooh...(laughing)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">B: No, it's Winnie the Pooh.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% George's apartment. George is looking through a
|
|
microscope.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Louise: So the hospital called, turns out some stupid
|
|
intern screwed up my test. I never had mono. So we can... you know.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Monk's</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: So what did you do?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: I told her I would have to think about it.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor
|
|
of sex, right?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the
|
|
world this way.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual
|
|
advances.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Simple joke from a simple man. </p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance
|
|
I was never gonna have sex again anyway.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You
|
|
know what you're gonna say about the Yankees?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared
|
|
some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle
|
|
the eye.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework
|
|
stinks.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Jackie Chiles is on the phone in his office.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent.
|
|
In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going to Kofu.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p align="left">% Kramer enters.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: Oh no.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Jackie hangs up phone.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Jackie we gotta talk.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but
|
|
a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: But Jackie--</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: I said out.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco
|
|
companies.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: The who?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: The tobacco companies.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: I've been wanting a piece of them for years.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Cut to Elaine being mesmerized by a rotating tire.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Back to Chiles' office.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: Did that cigarette warning label mention anything
|
|
about damage to your appearance?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: No, it didn't say anything.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: So you're a victim. Now your face is shallow,
|
|
unattractive, disgusting.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: Your face is my case.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: How ya doin'?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Not good. I'm a moron.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes
|
|
the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here.
|
|
You got eleven minutes?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: What for? Oh come on.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing
|
|
to do with you.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: I think it has something to do with me.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: You could read the paper through the whole
|
|
thing if you want.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: (thinks about it for a second as to reconsider)
|
|
No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% George and Louise sit at Monk's while George is
|
|
doing all sorts of scientific experiments and such.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: You know, Louise. I think you'll find this
|
|
amusing. In early Euclidean geometry--</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Louise: George, I have to have sex.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: I used to share that same outlook. But now,
|
|
I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Louise: Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress
|
|
approaches)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Waitress: Mais Cafe?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Ah. Sim, por favor.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Kramer, and Jackie begin to discuss their to tobacco
|
|
representative, Ms. Wilkie.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned
|
|
this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Who could love me?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects
|
|
a rugged masculinity.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been
|
|
exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial,
|
|
he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Wilkie: All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer
|
|
by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. (She exits)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: You better believe it. Jackie's cashin' in
|
|
on your wretched disfigurement.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Elaine's...</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Congratulations! You passed!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Ben: Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should see each
|
|
other anymore.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: What? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed
|
|
and supported you while you struggled. What about my dream of dating
|
|
a doctor?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Ben: I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I
|
|
became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone
|
|
better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Elaine: Look it, are we going to have sex, or not?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Backstage at the junior high's auditorium.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Katie: Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's finished
|
|
singing, George goes on, then you. (George enters)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Where have you been? You know, you're on next.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: I got lost on the way over.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Got lost? We went to school here for three
|
|
years.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head
|
|
like antennae) Take me to your leader.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: No, the Portuguese waitress.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: The Portuguese waitress?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: I calculated my odds of ever getting together
|
|
with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Katie: George, George, you're on.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: No, no. I'm not going on. </p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Then what'd you come down here for?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George: Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: It's good to have you back.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Katie: One of you has to go on.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey
|
|
kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your
|
|
home! (Audience boos)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Jackie and Kramer in a cab.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that
|
|
offer yet.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called
|
|
me. We had a little pow-wow.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow?
|
|
I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: How much?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: No money? Then what'd we get?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer: Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard
|
|
with Kramer on it)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jackie: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">% Jerry talking on the phone with David Letterman.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow
|
|
night.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Letterman: Yeah, but then, you know, some people were
|
|
telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly.
|
|
And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Actually, it was a ********.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Letterman: those things, deadly dangerous. A long
|
|
time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico.
|
|
They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his
|
|
face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Jerry: Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Letterman: Right. Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">End.</p>
|
|
<p align="left"> </p>
|
|
<p align="left">Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The
|
|
News Guy". <br />
|
|
Thanks to Daniel Hoeg for Portuguese corrections.<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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