921 lines
54 KiB
HTML
921 lines
54 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Andrea Doria </h1>
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<p align="left">Written by: Spike Feresten</p>
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<p align="left">Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p align="left">Broadcasted: December 19, 1996 for the first time.</p>
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<p align="left">Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p align="left">Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, </p>
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<p align="left">Tom Gallop (as Alan), </p>
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<p align="left">Wayne Knight (as Newman).</p>
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<p align="left"> </p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p align="left">(Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper.
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George bursts into the room)</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out!</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Gets up) Get out!</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across
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from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Looks around his apartment) Is it better than
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mine?</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: (Definite) Oh yeah.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: You know what? it's better than Elaine's,
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too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: She's out.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: (Stops) Oh right, the blind date.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now.
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I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those
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losers.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll
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take you two minutes.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: (Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture
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down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with
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the walk-in closet. (Smiles)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: (Laughs as they leave) It's working already!
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(Both exit)</p>
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<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Manhattan Mini-storage]</p>
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<p align="left">(Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's
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pulling a wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Disgusted) What is with that?!</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the
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diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture
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of germs being in the air)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Takes out his key to unlock the unit door)
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Where is your key?</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space
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to you.</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Yeah, and I rented out half that space to
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Newman. (Starts coughing again)</p>
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<p align="left">(Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out
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of the unit)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail
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in here?</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.</p>
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<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: George's new apartment]</p>
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<p align="left">(George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks
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in while he's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place)</p>
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<p align="left">RICARDI: Excuse me, George?</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: (Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves
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her off)</p>
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<p align="left">RICARDI: (Moves into the apartment, hand out) No,
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I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of the tenant's association.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! Hey, hey..
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I love the floors in here. It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and
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guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball</p>
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<p align="left">tward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively) Come
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on! (Stops and laughs right before running into her)</p>
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<p align="left">RICARDI: No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George, unfortunately,
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Clarance Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: (Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised it
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to me.</p>
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<p align="left">RICARDI: Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge is an
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Andrea Doria survivor. And, in light of the terrible suffering that
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he's already been through, we've decided to</p>
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<p align="left">give it to him.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: (Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. that
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was quite a fire. (Moves to the door, leaving)</p>
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<p align="left">RICARDI: (Correcting) Shipwreck.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: I remember.. (Leaves)</p>
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<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Restaurant]</p>
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<p align="left">(Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan.
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She's thinking to herself)</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) I hate
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this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a
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sugar packet) "Cancer in labratory animals"..</p>
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<p align="left">huh.</p>
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<p align="left">(A waiter approaches)</p>
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<p align="left">WAITER: Excuse me, Elaine Benes?</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: Yeah?</p>
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<p align="left">WAITER: An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's
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sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. (Pause) He's been
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stabbed.</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: (Shocked) Stabbed?!</p>
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<p align="left">WAITER: More bread?</p>
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<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Did you find out who stabbed him?</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Like a father) Well, you're not going near
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this hooligan anymore.</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it,
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Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can
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arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned</p>
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<p align="left">on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You
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know, it's.. kind of a compliment.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot.
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He could have been the one.</p>
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<p align="left">(Kramer enters)</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the
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kitchen)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY AND ELAINE: Hey.</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration
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date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the
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food)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: There is now. Kramer, you should really get
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that cough checked out by a doctor.</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors
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for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line..
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(Looks at Jerry, then leans in so</p>
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<p align="left">Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (In awe. Whispering) The botched it?</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: (Complaining) I'm even more potent now!</p>
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<p align="left">(Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face.
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George enters)</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Hey.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Hey. How's the new place?!</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living
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room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating)
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The tenant association made me give it</p>
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<p align="left">to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did
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the song about?</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.</p>
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<p align="left">ELIANE: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot
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was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: (Talking about his would-be apartment) You
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could fit 15 people in that bathroom..</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the
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Cat Stevens.</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided
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with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket.
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(Makes a clicking sound with his</p>
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<p align="left">tongue)</p>
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<p align="left">(Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: How do you know?</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales
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of the Sea" 51 people died.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: 51 people?!</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: There were 1,650 survivors.</p>
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<p align="left">GEORGE: That's no tragedy! How many people do you
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lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that
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book? (Starts walking tward the door.</p>
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<p align="left">Kramer grabs his food, and follows)</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear
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Attacks"</p>
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<p align="left">(George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment.
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Jerry stops Kramer before he can do the same)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman
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about getting that mail outta there?</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it.
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(Leaves)</p>
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<p align="left">(Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)</p>
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<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Newman's apartment]</p>
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<p align="left">(Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's
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sitting on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression)</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Newman?</p>
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<p align="left">NEWMAN: (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p align="left">JERRY: Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my
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storage unit.</p>
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<p align="left">NEWMAN: Sometimes we don't get what we want.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Confused) What are you talking about?</p>
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<p align="left">NEWMAN: I didn't get my transfer.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: "Transfer"?</p>
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<p align="left">NEWMAN: To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route
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of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like
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the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm</p>
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<p align="left">hanging it up.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: You quit the post office?</p>
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<p align="left">NEWMAN: Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm
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just not delivering mail.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal.</p>
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<p align="left">NEWMAN: And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's
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soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)</p>
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<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Central Park]</p>
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<p align="left">(Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking
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some dogs passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer
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stops the man)</p>
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<p align="left">KRAMER: Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you
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got there, huh?</p>
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<p align="left">MAN: What cough?</p>
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<p align="left">(One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts
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while pointing to the dog)</p>
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<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Restaurant]</p>
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<p align="left">(Elaine's on a date with Alan)</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as
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she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me,
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(Waves her knife along with her hand gestures.</p>
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<p align="left">Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with
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every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's
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unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down)</p>
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<p align="left">ALAN: No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little bit
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jumpy.</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: (Leans in close) Between you and me, what
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happened there with the stabbing?</p>
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<p align="left">ALAN: Just.. one of those things, you know.</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: What? Was she just so crazy in love with you
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that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..?</p>
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<p align="left">ALAN: I don't know. Could be.</p>
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<p align="left">(A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine
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and Alan's table)</p>
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<p align="left">CAROL: Alan?!</p>
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<p align="left">ALAN: Carol?</p>
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<p align="left">(Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his
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face, then storms off. Alan screams from the pain)</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: (Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was that the
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one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?!</p>
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<p align="left">ALAN: (Between screams) No, that was a different girl.</p>
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<p align="left">(Elaine looks confused. Scene ends)</p>
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<p align="left">[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?</p>
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<p align="left">ELAINE: Right, so, I called my friend, you know -
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the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper.</p>
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<p align="left">JERRY: Mmm.. Bad how?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how
|
|
you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you
|
|
don't mean, but he means them.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't
|
|
break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important
|
|
parts of a relationship.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Agreeing) What's more important?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then
|
|
they both get into sort of a shrug-off)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: NYC Street]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers,
|
|
he meets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (Between coughs) Hey.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: What's with the dog?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers.
|
|
I borrowed him. (Starts coughing)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Oh..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Smuckers coughs)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share the same
|
|
affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: A vet?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day.
|
|
They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his
|
|
words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops</p>
|
|
<p align="left">snapping) - all on the same day.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna take
|
|
dog medicine?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? (Smuckers
|
|
coughs. They turn to leave) I'll see ya.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: George's apartment building]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his
|
|
new apartment. George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were
|
|
on the Andrea Doria.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELDRIDGE: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves
|
|
on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal,
|
|
huh, Clarence? (Laughs)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELDRIDGE: (Defensively) We had to abandon ship.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELDRIDGE: The boat sank.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this,
|
|
it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into
|
|
a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So,</p>
|
|
<p align="left">uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment,
|
|
and letting me shove off in this beauty?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELDRIDGE: Is that what this is all about?! I don't
|
|
think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind
|
|
him)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge!
|
|
The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Vet's office]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Smuckers is getting examined by a vet)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">VET: What are the symptoms?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. Expecially
|
|
when he drinks orange juice. (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh..
|
|
dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's</p>
|
|
<p align="left">worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs)
|
|
Yeah, that's it. That's it.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">VET: Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a lot of this
|
|
lately. Been drinking from the toilet?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) What?
|
|
Break-up? We went out on one date.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: (Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever
|
|
you say.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, good.
|
|
Good.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around.. big head.
|
|
(Gets up to leave)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Pardon?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: You got a big head. It's too big for your body.
|
|
(Walks for the door)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs again)
|
|
That's the best you got?! (Laughs loudly as Alan exits)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't
|
|
deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years
|
|
ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've</p>
|
|
<p align="left">been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including
|
|
yesterday!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed
|
|
with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing
|
|
Tales of Costanza".</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (Interested) I should!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is
|
|
unparalleled.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else
|
|
on this planet!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: You're the man!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer
|
|
it. Newman's standing in the doorway)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: Jerry!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment.
|
|
(Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to
|
|
Newman by keeping the conversation with</p>
|
|
<p align="left">George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Nah, I guess I should really get moving on
|
|
this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Angered) Hello.. Newman.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: (Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: What's the difference?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted
|
|
for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition
|
|
to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over
|
|
to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be</p>
|
|
<p align="left">stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down
|
|
on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: You're giving up that easy?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You
|
|
can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: (Intrigued) What are you proposing?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it
|
|
takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from
|
|
me!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: An alliance?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake
|
|
hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry's sorting mail out on his table)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with
|
|
the mail?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my
|
|
sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home,
|
|
Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to</p>
|
|
<p align="left">play with my toys.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. You
|
|
know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me
|
|
"big head".</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: "Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost
|
|
a compliment.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's
|
|
ever said to me.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(The phone rings. Jerry answers it)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (On the other line) Hey.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Hey, George.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: You can't make it?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Yeah, the tenant association has decided to
|
|
hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll
|
|
see ya.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Alright. (Hangs up)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Gives a "That's a shame" face)
|
|
Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters
|
|
coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Kramer's coughs, then walks off)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for
|
|
that?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket)
|
|
I got some pilss. They taste terrible.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too
|
|
tender.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill
|
|
from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner
|
|
with his dog)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: I don't want to!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists
|
|
violently - much like a dog would)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: C'mon. Just sit down!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (Squirming) Jerry! What?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Sit down! Sit down!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: (Struggling) Hey!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs
|
|
Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds
|
|
Kramer's mouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already
|
|
swallowed it, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer</p>
|
|
<p align="left">spits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving
|
|
up)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills
|
|
are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting
|
|
and loss of fur"? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog</p>
|
|
<p align="left">pills!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Whe have the same symptoms.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: No, no. No doctors.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his
|
|
coat)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: Where are you going?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands.
|
|
You want to go?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: I don't know..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a
|
|
ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog)
|
|
Huh? C'mon! C'mon!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry
|
|
follows Kramer out)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Taxi cab]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">DRIVER: Lady, could you move your head a little bit?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: What?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">DRIVER: Your head. I can't see out the back. (Elaine
|
|
slumps down in her seat) Little more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little
|
|
more. (Slides down until just her eyes and</p>
|
|
<p align="left">forehead can be seen) Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Jerry's car]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer
|
|
is restless in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the
|
|
windows - just as a dog would)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks
|
|
out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying
|
|
to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the</p>
|
|
<p align="left">way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic)
|
|
Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared)
|
|
You're taking me to the doctor!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George is at the coffee shop with his parents)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could
|
|
help me to remember my childhood a little clearly..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ESTELLE: I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket and
|
|
her drink) Let's change tables.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">FRANK: Get outta here! We have a booth.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ESTELLE: Frank, I'm cold!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">FRANK: Order a hot dish.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ESTELLE: Why can't we sit over there? (Points to a
|
|
table)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">FRANK: (Yelling) That's not a booth!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ESTELLE: (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, who
|
|
says we have to sit in a booth?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">FRANK: (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway all
|
|
the way to New York to sit at a table like that! (Gestures to the
|
|
table)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ESTELLE: (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the subway
|
|
to be in a drafty restaurant!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(A moment passes)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">FRANK: Now, George, what do you want to know about
|
|
your childhood?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: (Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think
|
|
I'm pretty clear on it.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">FRANK: (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming from?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: NYC Street]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office.
|
|
Kramer refuses to get out of the car)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: No, Jerry!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying
|
|
to pull him out of the car)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">KRAMER: No! Don't!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer
|
|
quickly gets up and takes off - running down the street)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over
|
|
here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Tenant board room]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members.
|
|
Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand,
|
|
is bored to death. He's leaning back in his</p>
|
|
<p align="left">chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall
|
|
- to display how bored he is)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELDRIDGE: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the
|
|
fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George
|
|
stops knocking on the walls) It was the</p>
|
|
<p align="left">sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">RICARDI: (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant
|
|
board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then
|
|
gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets
|
|
up and takes George's seat in the corner)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Newman's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered?
|
|
(Sees the pac) What happened?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: Kramer bit me!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Bit you?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii,
|
|
and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled!
|
|
I don't think I can do my route -</p>
|
|
<p align="left">and they're awarding the transfer in two days!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver
|
|
mail!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Well, why not?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right.
|
|
It's just walking around putting it into boxes..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: What am I gonna wear?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: I could give you my uniform from my rookie
|
|
year.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking
|
|
along a city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store
|
|
owner brooming the sidewalk)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">OWNER: Mail on Sunday?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the
|
|
route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street,
|
|
then keeps walking)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Tenant board room]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George is telling the board his astonishing life
|
|
stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear,
|
|
(Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was
|
|
attractive.. She was, also, infact, a</p>
|
|
<p align="left">Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I
|
|
had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel,
|
|
there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts</p>
|
|
<p align="left">to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at
|
|
me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of
|
|
a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing</p>
|
|
<p align="left">statements) In closing, these stories have not been
|
|
embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply,
|
|
horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short,</p>
|
|
<p align="left">stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you.
|
|
(Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story
|
|
is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi</p>
|
|
<p align="left">is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one
|
|
more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes
|
|
that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying</p>
|
|
<p align="left">erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves.
|
|
Eldridge looks defeated)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Newman's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Jerry returns to get another bag of mail)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box,
|
|
like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs
|
|
- Do not bend".</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: "Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just
|
|
crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers
|
|
it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand..</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p align="left">very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: That was the Vice President of the post office.
|
|
I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: How did they know?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: (Stands up) Too many people go their mail!
|
|
Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the
|
|
50% barrier! It's like the 3-minute mile!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Pleading) I tried my best!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
|
|
(Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame.
|
|
Newman then tears the post office</p>
|
|
<p align="left">badge from Jerry's coat)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: You know, this is your coat.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">NEWMAN: (Realizing) Damn!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Central park]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a
|
|
bird flies right into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The
|
|
bird regains it's balance, and flies off. The man on</p>
|
|
<p align="left">the bench is staring in awe)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">MAN 2: He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't
|
|
avoid it.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) Really?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">MAN 2: Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's
|
|
head..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The
|
|
ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: Boy, he didn't know what he was up against.
|
|
(George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: They're making their decision today.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying
|
|
to tie her hair down. She looks angered at something)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: What's the matter with you?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant
|
|
freak-head. (Sits down)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: What giant freak-head?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop
|
|
my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing
|
|
right into his hands!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All
|
|
I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that
|
|
it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or</p>
|
|
<p align="left">jam a fork into his forehead.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">JERRY: (Casually, sarcastic) Either way.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Getting up to leave) Alright.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: Restaurant]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: I want to apologize for..</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) Oh, please.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: So you have a big head.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Casually playing along) So what?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: It goes well with that bump in your nose.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ELAINE: (Suddenly angry) What?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman
|
|
runs out of the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">WOMAN: Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed
|
|
woman beating up some guy! Tell the police "The Old Mill Restaurant".
|
|
Hurry!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Kramer takes off running down the street, looking
|
|
for a cop. He meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop.
|
|
Before he can tell them the urgent message,</p>
|
|
<p align="left">he starts coughing uncontrollably)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">COP: Boy, that's some cough you got there.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">COP 2: No, I think he's trying to tell us something.
|
|
What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer manages to say the word "trouble")
|
|
Trouble?! Trouble? Where? Where's</p>
|
|
<p align="left">trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill")
|
|
Trouble at the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the
|
|
way! Come on.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the
|
|
cops following him)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">[Setting: George's apartment building]</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up
|
|
Alan is moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in there?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor. (They
|
|
shake hands)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have you
|
|
the apartment?!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. got
|
|
coffee thrown in your face, and.. uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged
|
|
forehead)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: Oh, fork in the forehead.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: That's why they gave you the apartment?</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: No, I just gave the super 50 bucks.</p>
|
|
<p align="left">GEORGE: Wait a minute, that is my apartment. I earned
|
|
it with 34 years of misery!</p>
|
|
<p align="left">ALAN: Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his new apartment,
|
|
and slams the door on George)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">(George starts acting self-conscious about his chin
|
|
- much like Elaine and her head)</p>
|
|
<p align="left">END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
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