paul
/
seinfeld-scripts
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
seinfeld-scripts/TheApartment.htm

739 lines
41 KiB
HTML
Raw Blame History

<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"
xmlns:og="http://opengraphprotocol.org/schema/"
xmlns:fb="http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml"><!-- InstanceBegin template="/Templates/seinfeld.dwt" codeOutsideHTMLIsLocked="false" -->
<head>
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
<META NAME="AUTHOR" CONTENT="Doctoroids" />
<META NAME="COPYRIGHT" CONTENT="&copy; 2002-2010 Doctoroids" />
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="doctitle" -->
<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Apartment </title>
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
<link href="support-files/seinfeld.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="docdescription" -->
<meta name="description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of
The Apartment. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes" />
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="dockeywords" -->
<meta name="keywords" content="the apartment, apartment, seinfeld scripts, seinfeld, seinfeld episode" />
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
<script type="text/javascript">
window.google_analytics_uacct = "UA-16472669-1";
</script>
<link rel="image_src" href="images/seinfeld-share.jpg" />
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://s7.addthis.com/js/250/addthis_widget.js#username=doctoroids">var addthis_config = {data_track_clickback: true};</script>
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="head" -->
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="pagetype" -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var pageType="CONTENT";
</script>
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script>
<meta property="og:site_name" content="SeinfeldScripts"/>
<meta property="fb:app_id" content="164823560224402"/>
<meta property="fb:admins" content="824270386"/>
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="ogdata" -->
<meta property="og:image" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/images/seinfeld-cast.jpg"/>
<meta property="og:title" content="The Apartment"/>
<meta property="og:type" content="tv_show"/>
<meta property="og:url" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheApartment.htm"/>
<meta property="og:description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Apartment. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes"/>
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
</head>
<body>
<div class="wrap">
<div class="head_title">
</div>
<div id="menu">
<ul>
<!-- **** INSERT NAVIGATION ITEMS HERE (use id="selected" to identify the page you're on **** -->
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a></li>
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes</a></li>
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters</a></li>
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Gifts</a></li>
</ul>
<div class="addthis_toolbox addthis_default_style" id="menu_share">
<li><a style="padding: 8px 3px 8px 160px" href="http://addthis.com/bookmark.php?v=250&amp;username=doctoroids" class="addthis_button_compact">Share</a></li>
<li><a class="addthis_button_facebook"></a></li>
<li><a class="addthis_button_twitter"></a></li>
<li><a class="addthis_button_googlebuzz"></a></li>
<li><a class="addthis_button_digg"></a></li>
</div>
</div>
<div class="underMenu">
<a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com">Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community!</a></div>
<div id="content"><!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="main_content" -->
<h1>The Apartment </h1>
<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
<tr>
<td>
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
/* html-in_content-top_left */
google_ad_slot = "4619537930";
google_ad_width = 300;
google_ad_height = 250;
//-->
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
</script>
</td>
</tr>
</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p>&nbsp;</p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
<p>Written by: Peter Mehlman</p>
<p>Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
<p>Broadcasted: April 4, 1991 for the first time.</p>
<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Tony Plana (as Manny), and
Glenn</p>
<p>Shadix (as Harold).</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in
this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it
kinda gets me down. I look around,</p>
<p>and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize
it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It keeps
coming in and coming in. Everytime I</p>
<p>paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall
outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots
in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to</p>
<p>push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in..
My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship
Enterprise. You know what</p>
<p>I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star
Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through
space in your living room, watching</p>
<p>TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because
Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday
night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be</p>
<p>there.</p>
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
<p>(Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded.
His hair is slicked down)</p>
<p>JERRY: What did you do?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Mousse. I moussed up.</p>
<p>ELAINE: I guess it was just a matter of time.</p>
<p>KRAMER: You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel
like I had two lives. My pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse.
Hey, tell me the truth,</p>
<p>have you ever seen a better looking guy?</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, look, its so subjective.</p>
<p>ELAINE: I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my
friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that.</p>
<p>ELAINE: She lives right above First Avenue, and says she has a
perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends.</p>
<p>JERRY: Maybe.</p>
<p>(A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny,
the building supervisors)</p>
<p>HAROLD: No, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams out something
in Spanish)</p>
<p>JERRY: Harold and Manny.</p>
<p>HAROLD: I'm not going. (Manny says something in Spanish, Jerry
goes out into the hall)</p>
<p>JERRY: Boys, boys.</p>
<p>HAROLD: Oh, Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?</p>
<p>HAROLD: Yeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would you like anything
from Mrs. Hudwalker's apartment? (Manny starts yelling at Harold
in Spanish) I was only</p>
<p>joking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's
things. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there
now and clean the apartment.</p>
<p>It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there
for a month.</p>
<p>JERRY: She died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died?</p>
<p>HAROLD: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't
have a wig on. It was horrifying.</p>
<p>MANNY: Harold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry up!</p>
<p>HAROLD: (To Manny) What's the matter with you?! I'm talking. So,
Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?</p>
<p>JERRY: Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine?</p>
<p>HAROLD: Oh yeah, I like her. She always says &quot;hello&quot;
to me.</p>
<p>JERRY: It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause she would take it in
a second.</p>
<p>HAROLD: Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported.
(Manny starts protesting in Spanish) What's the difference? It's
true.</p>
<p>JERRY: So, it's okay? I could just tell her she can have it?</p>
<p>HAROLD: Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain, too. It's only four
hundred dollars a month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay.. (Manny
keeps talking in Spanish) Okay.</p>
<p>(Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way)</p>
<p>KRAMER: (Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold, what do you think?</p>
<p>HAROLD: Manny, look, Kramer put mousse in his hair.</p>
<p>MANNY: (In Spanish) It looks worse.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks.</p>
<p>(Jerry enters his apartment)</p>
<p>ELAINE: What was that all about?</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, nothing important.</p>
<p>ELAINE: What's going on? What is that look?</p>
<p>JERRY: What look? Nothing.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Something's going on here.</p>
<p>JERRY: I don't know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting
is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down..
I can't decide.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? C'mon.
Cough it up.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am - rarely ever thinking
of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those
close to me. Sure, it hurts</p>
<p>sometimes - to give, and give, and give..</p>
<p>ELAINE: Would you please?</p>
<p>JERRY: What would you say if I told you that..</p>
<p>ELAINE: Told me what?!</p>
<p>JERRY: ..I got you an apartment in this building.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (Dumbfounded) No.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
<p>ELAINE: No.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
<p>ELAINE: You didn't.</p>
<p>JERRY: I did.</p>
<p>ELAINE: You got me an apartment in the building?!</p>
<p>JERRY: I got you an apartment in the building.</p>
<p>ELAINE: How did you..</p>
<p>JERRY: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman
who lived above me?</p>
<p>ELAINE: No.</p>
<p>JERRY: She died.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (Thrilled) She died?!</p>
<p>JERRY: She died.</p>
<p>ELAINE: She died!</p>
<p>JERRY: And the rent's only four hundred dollars a month!</p>
<p>ELAINE: Get out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles back) Four hundred
a month? Only four hundred a month?!</p>
<p>JERRY: Four hundred a month.</p>
<p>ELAINE: And I'll be right upstairs?</p>
<p>JERRY: Right upstairs.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Right above you?</p>
<p>JERRY: Right above me.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time!</p>
<p>JERRY: (Suddenly having second thoughts) All the time..</p>
<p>ELAINE: We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this
is going to be great!</p>
<p>JERRY: ..All the time..</p>
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
<p>JERRY: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying
the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like
you're always making a movie.</p>
<p>You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole
shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could
take back. You're out</p>
<p>somewhere with people, &quot;Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?&quot;
&quot;Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk
out the door, and come back in. Let's take</p>
<p>this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!&quot;</p>
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
<p>[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
<p>GEORGE: (Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later, Donna. (Walks out,
he runs into Jerry outside the shop) What happened to you?</p>
<p>JERRY: You can't believe what I just did.</p>
<p>GEORGE: What? What did you do?</p>
<p>JERRY: I could tell you what I did, but you wouldn't believe it.
It's not believable.</p>
<p>GEORGE: What did you do?</p>
<p>JERRY: How could I have done that?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Done what?</p>
<p>JERRY: I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building.
She's going to move in.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Elaine's moving into your building?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yes. Right above me.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Right above you?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
<p>GEORGE: You're gonna be neighbors.</p>
<p>JERRY: I know. Neighbors.</p>
<p>GEORGE: She's right above you?</p>
<p>JERRY: Right above me.</p>
<p>GEORGE: How could you do that?</p>
<p>JERRY: 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but
with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking
to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.</p>
<p>JERRY: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?</p>
<p>JERRY: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I
come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat
burglar.</p>
<p>GEORGE: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at
women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
about the home bed</p>
<p>advantage.</p>
<p>JERRY: But I need the home bed advantage!</p>
<p>GEORGE: Of course, we all do.</p>
<p>JERRY: (Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come in for two minutes and
sit with me.</p>
<p>GEORGE: I was just in there. It's embarrassing.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, who's gonna know?</p>
<p>GEORGE: They saw me walk out.</p>
<p>JERRY: Two minutes.</p>
<p>(Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop)</p>
<p>JERRY: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy
in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't
make a mistake? He went</p>
<p>for a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life.</p>
<p>GEORGE: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic.
Emotionally exhausted.</p>
<p>JERRY: ..So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Tough.</p>
<p>JERRY: You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building..
and she loves a good shower.</p>
<p>GEORGE: I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because
of a weak shower spray.</p>
<p>JERRY: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.</p>
<p>GEORGE: For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if
she had to..</p>
<p>JERRY: Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting,
coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?</p>
<p>GEORGE: I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date
first.. remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah, the guy with the flat head?</p>
<p>GEORGE: He's a cube.. anyway, he got married six months ago. he
told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have
been coming on to him</p>
<p>everywhere he goes.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (Joking) I wonder if that's really true.</p>
<p>JERRY: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You
know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you.</p>
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
<p>[Setting: Apartment buliding hallway]</p>
<p>(George is trying on a wedding band)</p>
<p>GEORGE: Thanks a lot. I&quot;ll give it back to you in a week.</p>
<p>KRAMER: You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with
this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a
piece.</p>
<p>GEORGE: I'm not doing that.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking
guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?</p>
<p>GEORGE: No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you.</p>
<p>(Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall)</p>
<p>HAROLD: I told you I don't like these sponges, they're too small!
I want a big sponge! (Manny yells) You can't pick up anything with
these! There's no absorption!</p>
<p>(Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment)</p>
<p>JERRY: Boys, boys.</p>
<p>HAROLD: Hi, Jerry.</p>
<p>HAROLD: Hello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish to Harold)</p>
<p>HAROLD: Okay.. your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
<p>HAROLD: Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for
the apartment. I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it. (Manny
yells) Because it's true!</p>
<p>Why shouldn't I tell him?</p>
<p>JERRY: Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen. (Manny talks
in Spanish)</p>
<p>HAROLD: Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand
dollars, we'll give it to her.</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way it's
gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be. (Goes back to his apartment)
You know, I used to think that the</p>
<p>universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events,
but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.</p>
<p>GEORGE: What happened to you?</p>
<p>JERRY: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because,
I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum
of five thousand dollars to get the</p>
<p>apartment upstairs.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars!</p>
<p>JERRY: Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars!</p>
<p>GEORGE: So, she can't get the apartment.</p>
<p>JERRY: Can't get it.</p>
<p>GEORGE: So, she doesn't move in.</p>
<p>JERRY: No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan.</p>
<p>GEORGE: And how does the baldness fit into that plan?</p>
<p>(The intercom buzzes)</p>
<p>JERRY: (Into the intercom) Elaine?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
<p>JERRY: (Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright, this is going
to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed.
You're going to really see</p>
<p>me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should
go in the other room.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole
life is a sham!</p>
<p>JERRY: 'Cause you know, I love Elaine.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Of course you do.</p>
<p>JERRY: But you know.. not in the building. Really, I feel terrible
about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me..</p>
<p>(Enter Elaine) ELAINE: (To someone in the hallway) No, I'll be
seeing you. (Starts to sing) &quot;Good morning, good morning..&quot;
Have you ever gotten up in the morning</p>
<p>and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of
sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other room)
Oh, and before I forget, I have the</p>
<p>checks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have seventy-five
dollars left in my account.</p>
<p>JERRY: (Looks at the checks) Well.. there's a little bit of a problem.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. I've already
thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill
said, &quot;Why stand when</p>
<p>you can sit?&quot; Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies..</p>
<p>JERRY: No, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the
apartment. I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you, but you'd
have to come up with that</p>
<p>money.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Five thousand dollars? I don't have five thousand dollars.</p>
<p>JERRY: I know.</p>
<p>ELAINE: How am I going to get five thousand dollars?</p>
<p>JERRY: I have no idea.</p>
<p>(Enter Kramer)</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hey, my new neighbor!</p>
<p>ELAINE: I'm not moving in.</p>
<p>KRAMER: What?</p>
<p>ELAINE: They want five thousand dollars now.</p>
<p>KRAMER: So, okay. What's the problem?</p>
<p>ELAINE: I don't have five thousand dollars.</p>
<p>KRAMER: C'mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars.. Jerry,
you don't have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something you want to borrow?</p>
<p>ELAINE: No, that's too much money to borrow.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Loan her the money. You can afford it.</p>
<p>JERRY: She doesn't want to borrow the money.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's five grand between
friends?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Of course I'd pay you back..</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, so what's the problem?</p>
<p>JERRY: Who said there's a problem?</p>
<p>KRAMER: He said he'd loan you the money.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back.
Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that?</p>
<p>KRAMER: That's okay. He doesn't care.</p>
<p>ELAINE: You know, money can sometimes come between friends.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Get outta here.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Let me think about it.</p>
<p>KRAMER: What's to think about?</p>
<p>ELAINE: I don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand.. let me just
take one more look at it. (Leaves)</p>
<p>JERRY: It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand..
Where's she gonna get five thousand? She doesn't have five thousand.
Clean. Good bye.</p>
<p>She's gone. Then you come in, &quot;Why don't you loan her five
thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five
thousand.&quot;</p>
<p>KRAMER: You didn't want her in the building?</p>
<p>JERRY: No, I didn't!</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for?
Oh, look, maybe she won't take it.. I mean, she did say that she
was going to think about it.</p>
<p>JERRY: People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from
the animals.</p>
<p>KRAMER: I still don't understand what the problem is having her
in the building.</p>
<p>JERRY: Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal.
You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other
hand, am a human being. I</p>
<p>sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain
situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Because I'm a pod?</p>
<p>(George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns)</p>
<p>ELAINE: I'll take it!</p>
<p>(George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room)</p>
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
<p>[Setting: Roxanne's apartment]</p>
<p>(Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry and
George. Roxanne greets them)</p>
<p>ROXANNE: Hi, Elaine..</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends.
This is George, and this is Jerry. (They exchange greetings) Jerry's
the one who got me my new</p>
<p>apartment!</p>
<p>ROXANNE: So, you're Elaine's hero.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah, it's my life's work.</p>
<p>ROXANNE: There are so few true heros left in this world. (Jerry's
attracted to Roxanne, Elaine notices)</p>
<p>GEORGE: (Showing off his wedding band) Yeah, my wife couldn't make
it today. She's got some thing with her mother.. Who know's what
going on with her. Don't</p>
<p>let any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle)</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race. (Starts
selecting food from the tables)</p>
<p>ROXANNE: Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, yes. Particularily if your not in it.</p>
<p>ROXANNE: I wish we had a view of the finish line.</p>
<p>JERRY: What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and
twenty thousand losers.</p>
<p>(Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next
to an attractive woman)</p>
<p>GEORGE: ..Yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today.
I'm tellin' ya, it's one thing after another.</p>
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p>RITA: Is she here?</p>
<p>GEORGE: No, she's working.</p>
<p>RITA: What does she do?</p>
<p>GEORGE: She's an.. entymologist - you know, bees, flies, gnats.
What about you?</p>
<p>RITA: I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. It's great!
I can get free tickets to any sporting even in New York. (George
is stunned) Anyway, she's a</p>
<p>very luck woman.</p>
<p>GEORGE: But.. (She leaves, George is standing there)</p>
<p>(Scene cuts to an entering man and woman)</p>
<p>ROXANNE: Hi Stan. Joanne.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my
short story class with Roxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got me a
great apartment in his building!</p>
<p>JOANNE: Well, Jerry, it'll be nice having a close friend nearby?</p>
<p>JERRY: Fantastic..</p>
<p>STAN: She can pop in whenever she wants.</p>
<p>JERRY: I know.</p>
<p>JOANNE: She doesn't even need to knock!</p>
<p>JERRY: It's tremendous.</p>
<p>STAN: Anytime of day.</p>
<p>JERRY: I'm in heaven.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's the one who got
me the apartment.</p>
<p>RITA: Oh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this is the guy who got
Elaine the apartment.</p>
<p>(Scene cuts to George)</p>
<p>GEORGE: I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal about being a matador.
The bull charges, you move the cape, wha't so hard? (The both laugh
flirtingly)</p>
<p>SUSIE: So, are you really married? Because, I've actually heard
of single guys who wear wedding bands to attrack women.</p>
<p>GEORGE: You'd have to be a real loser to try something like that.</p>
<p>SUSIE: That's too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys
with glasses. (Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George)</p>
<p>RITA: Hey everybody! Here come the runners!</p>
<p>(Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put)</p>
<p>ELAINE: So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, I wouldn't quite say that.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to
her.</p>
<p>JERRY: I'm a guy.. it always looks like that.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Because, I was thinking.. are you at all concerned that
living in the same building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles?</p>
<p>JERRY: Na..</p>
<p>ELAINE: Because, I was worried that there might be a situation
in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little
uncomfortable. But - as long as</p>
<p>you're okay with it, it's fine with me.</p>
<p>(Scene cuts to George)</p>
<p>JANICE: I've never been able to be with just one person. I can,
however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last
for years and years. It's a shame</p>
<p>you're married..</p>
<p>GEORGE: (Frantically tries to take the ring off) I'm not. It's
just a sociological experiment!</p>
<p>JANICE: Please.. (Walks away)</p>
<p>(Jerry walks over to George)</p>
<p>JERRY: You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine just gave me a
chance to get out and I didn't take it. (Points to himself) This
is an idiot.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Is that right? (Showing him up) I just threw away a lifetime
of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison
Square Garden. So please,</p>
<p>a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots!</p>
<p>ROXANNE: (Yelling out the window) You're all winners!</p>
<p>GEORGE: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged..</p>
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
<p>JERRY: (Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep at all last night..
I decided I have to tell her.. I'm just going to be honest. That's
all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are you</p>
<p>listening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide
right off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you
back after I talk to her. Bye.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's cool.</p>
<p>JERRY: What? What's cool?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Elaine.</p>
<p>JERRY: What are you talking about?</p>
<p>KRAMER: I just found a guy who's willing to pay ten thousand dollars
for the apartment.</p>
<p>JERRY: You what?! Get out! Ten thousand?</p>
<p>KRAMER: (Nods) Cash.</p>
<p>JERRY: Who would pay that much?</p>
<p>KRAMER: He's in the music business.</p>
<p>JERRY: Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Hugs Kramer,
then grabs him by the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful!
I think I'm in the clear</p>
<p>here. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She
has no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I&quot;m golden!</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.</p>
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
<p>(Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is
coming through the walls)</p>
<p>ELAINE: Wow. You're right. That is loud.</p>
<p>JERRY: It's just unbelievable.</p>
<p>ELAINE: They rehearse all the time?</p>
<p>JERRY: All the time. I've been up there six times. They refuse
to stop. I can't live like this. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I'm heading for breakdown! (To Harold)</p>
<p>Can't you do something?</p>
<p>HAROLD: I'm not going up. It stinks up there.</p>
<p>JERRY: Manny..</p>
<p>MANNY: (In Spanish) They're allowed to play until eleven o' clock.</p>
<p>HAROLD: I'm not the one who said eleven o' clock. He makes up his
own rules.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep
out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse.</p>
<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
<p>KRAMER: (Talking about the music) Oh, I love the one they do right
after this one!</p>
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
<p>JERRY: I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making,
like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? I mean, can
you knock on someone's door</p>
<p>and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole
self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening
to me? Can I do this? Am I a</p>
<p>shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going
on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh.... shhh...
shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause</p>
<p>nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh.
&quot;Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me.&quot;
Some people you can't shush in a movie</p>
<p>theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it.
They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing
them, and shushing them. They won't</p>
<p>shush. They're the unshushables.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
<p>
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
</div>
<!-- content -->
<div id="navBar">
<div id="upperBox">
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
google_ad_width = 200;
google_ad_height = 200;
//-->
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
</script>
</div>
<div class="leftnav"><br />
<ul>
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
<div>
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
</div>
</form>
</ul>
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
</div>
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&amp;lang=en"></script>
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
google_ad_width = 160;
google_ad_height = 600;
//-->
</script>
<script type='text/javascript'>
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
}
</script>
<p &nbsp;></p>
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
var bannerSize = 2300;
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&amp;b=119192\&amp;m=16934\&amp;afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&amp;urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
}
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&amp;b=119192\&amp;m=16934\&amp;afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&amp;urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
}
}
</script>
</div>
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
<!--
function noSpam(user,domain) {
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
window.location = locationstring;
}
-->
</script>
<div class="footer">
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
</div>
</div>
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
<script type='text/javascript'>
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
</script>
<script type='text/javascript'>
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
}
</script>
<script type="text/javascript">
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
(function() {
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
})();
</script></body>
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
Reference in New Issue View Git Blame Copy Permalink