746 lines
41 KiB
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746 lines
41 KiB
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<h1>The Baby Shower</h1>
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Written by: Larry David</p>
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<p>Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: May 16, 1991 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Christine Dunford (as
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Leslie).</p>
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<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Men flip around the television more than women, I think.
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Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know
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what the hell they're watching.</p>
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<p>You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it..
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" "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I
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gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't
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know what it</p>
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<p>was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I
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gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will
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stop and go, "Well, let me see what the</p>
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<p>show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly.
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Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch
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TV differently. Before</p>
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<p>there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and
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emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell
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them stories 'cause that was their</p>
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<p>entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get,
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like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around.
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Just go, "Alright start telling me a story,</p>
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<p>what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to
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the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that
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story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next</p>
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<p>guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up.
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No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear
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that. No, the all of you, get out of</p>
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<p>here. I'm going to bed."</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see,
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there is no justice.</p>
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<p>JERRY: She's the performance artist, right?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer.
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A real trooper.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Todd.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, he's not.</p>
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<p>JERRY: C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: By marriage.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You
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should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame
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the whole thing on</p>
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<p>bad directions.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful,
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intelligent woman.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent
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women?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Thin ice, George. Thin ice..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll
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give birth on stage.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: She stopped performing.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge
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like Khomeini.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront
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in Brooklin to see one of her "performances".</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming,
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and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup
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all over my new red</p>
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<p>shirt.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: It was an accident!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at
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me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show,
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I'm sitting there with chocolate all</p>
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<p>over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing
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all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally,
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backstage when I talk to her, I'm a</p>
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<p>groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw
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any other foods?"</p>
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<p>JERRY: (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never
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even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized.
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Nothing. Like I</p>
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<p>was dirt.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What ever happened with the shirt?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her
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a baby shower.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying
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no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for
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me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody
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make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?!
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Who cares?! It's</p>
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<p>all so boring..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby
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monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..</p>
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<p>JERRY: But?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: My roommate has Lyme disease.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr
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with a twist of Lyme disease.</p>
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<p>JERRY: How did she get Lyme disease?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury,
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Connecticut.</p>
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<p>JERRY: They still do that play?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: It's a classic.</p>
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<p>JERRY: With all the nudity?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What do you wanna know?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of
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violence?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Rarely.</p>
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<p>JERRY: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No.</p>
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<p>JERRY: When is this suppose to be?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Saturday.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday.
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They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes
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misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom!
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And entire buffet is swept off</p>
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<p>the table.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that
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woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive
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myself until I do.</p>
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<p>JERRY: And if you do?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least
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it won't be about this.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the dials
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as Kramer looks over his shoulder)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What are you doing this for? Look at you..</p>
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<p>JERRY: Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my
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house.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Pleading) Leave me alone.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live
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like this?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm not getting illegal cable!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable
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companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for
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years.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, I read in the paper..</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, they might hook us up again.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care
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about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look
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at you! You're banging things..</p>
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<p>Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels
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- movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're
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saying?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: What you're suggesting is illegal.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's not illegal.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's against the law.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, yeah.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can
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you hold that?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me
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bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant.
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He escaped the Gulag. He's</p>
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<p>like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter.
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He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.</p>
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<p>JERRY: A real human rights nut, huh?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah. He's intense, man.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't know. What if I get caught?</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him.
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Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get
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him.</p>
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<p>(Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He then
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returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and his assistant.
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Tabachnick mumbles,</p>
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<p>shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks
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confused)</p>
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<p>JERRY: You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town
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tomarrow.</p>
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<p>TABACHNICK: Tomarrow okay.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed
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by the time you get back.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens
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are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know
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it..</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear.
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The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year..</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs
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his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with
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a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's</p>
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<p>gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting
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for him)</p>
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<p>MAN: Mr. Steinfeld?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Seinfeld.</p>
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<p>MAN: We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up?</p>
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<p>JERRY: My cable hook-up? What about it?</p>
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<p>MAN: It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It has? I've been out of town. How did you know?</p>
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<p>(An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They
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were onto the scam from the very beginning.</p>
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<p>MAN: You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies.
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We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about
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the Russian guy? The Russian</p>
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<p>guy is the guy you want.</p>
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<p>(Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other
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FBI men, and speaks without an accent now)</p>
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<p>TABACHNICK: Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover.</p>
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<p>(Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for the
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door)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down
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by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry,
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cupping Jerry's head in his</p>
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<p>hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable
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boy?..</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Airplane]</p>
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<p>(Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess approaches)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?</p>
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<p>STEWARDESS: I'm afraid not.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the
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drinks now?</p>
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<p>STEWARDESS: No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten
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your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again?</p>
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<p>(The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand)</p>
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<p>BILL: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear
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of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying
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is quite rational because, human</p>
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<p>beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have
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|
fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This
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isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I</p>
|
|
<p>don't belong here."</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: George's car]</p>
|
|
<p>(George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater
|
|
with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Sounds like a rough trip.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then,
|
|
when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, the college cancelled the gig?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really
|
|
appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Modestly) Forget it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, really.. an airport run.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me
|
|
a favor?" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something.
|
|
Jerry doesn't suspect anything -</p>
|
|
<p>yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes
|
|
you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious,
|
|
you know. He's always got some ulterior motive.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge..
|
|
Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the
|
|
shower.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight?
|
|
Now?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big
|
|
deal. We'll just go back to your place.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go
|
|
back to my place.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You want to get a bite?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole
|
|
pot roast.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, so what should we do?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar, then
|
|
reaches over and pulls the sweater down)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Nervous) What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're wearing the chocolate shirt!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I am? What a strange coincidence..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty
|
|
early in the morning..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own
|
|
baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse
|
|
it in club soda?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the
|
|
scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and
|
|
I'm gonna say, "Remember this</p>
|
|
<p>shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine)</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard
|
|
Goetz's mother used to live there.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, where's Todd?</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: Up in Hyannisport.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is
|
|
up there? Is Rose up there?!</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: (To Leslie) So, when's your due date?</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: March twentieth, nine a.m.</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: You know the time!</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if
|
|
I go through labor, I might get psychotic.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is
|
|
he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is
|
|
he out of the loop?</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears?</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his
|
|
assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly.
|
|
The woman freeze at the sight,</p>
|
|
<p>then disperse nervously)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing
|
|
here?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: We're putting in cable.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't
|
|
do this now!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, we have to do this now.</p>
|
|
<p>(Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Who's this guy?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Which one?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Both of the them.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Okay.. Does Jerry know about this?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can't! You can't do this now!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if
|
|
I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back..
|
|
He won't like that.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright. Just do it fast and then get out.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work
|
|
on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then,
|
|
you and the gals can take a</p>
|
|
<p>load off and watch something on Lifetime.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: George's car]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to
|
|
her?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Boiling) What am I going to say?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate
|
|
on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that
|
|
kind of treatment! What,</p>
|
|
<p>you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize!
|
|
You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and
|
|
ignored?! Who's shirt can be</p>
|
|
<p>ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist
|
|
who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have
|
|
some sort of disease?! You have</p>
|
|
<p>the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich
|
|
and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust
|
|
me! You and everyone like</p>
|
|
<p>you!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You'll never say that to her face.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Watch me.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple.
|
|
The core, stem, seeds, everything.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick)
|
|
Look! He's eating all the food!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences
|
|
between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See,
|
|
in Russian, the cable guy,</p>
|
|
<p>they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns
|
|
back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>(Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start fighting)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me..</p>
|
|
<p>(Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick
|
|
walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick
|
|
bangs on the door, and</p>
|
|
<p>shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets into
|
|
the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter. Elaine
|
|
runs up to greet them)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town
|
|
for the weekend.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable
|
|
in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything.</p>
|
|
<p>(Leslie approaches them)</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less
|
|
travelled for a reason.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even
|
|
think about it! Don't even dream about it!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Unconvincingly coy) About what?</p>
|
|
<p>TABACHNICK: (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer..</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as Tabachnick
|
|
joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready for Leslie
|
|
- he takes off his sweater,</p>
|
|
<p>revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Leslie.</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza.</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually,
|
|
kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember?</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: Vaguely.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You took me to one of your shows..</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: And?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated
|
|
me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents
|
|
felt I had talent..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>MARY: Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks
|
|
confused) Remember me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm sorry, I..</p>
|
|
<p>MARY: (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We
|
|
had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember..</p>
|
|
<p>MARY: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next
|
|
day.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your..</p>
|
|
<p>MARY: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought
|
|
you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into
|
|
me again! But you were wrong,</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor,
|
|
pathetic wretch?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I don't think that..</p>
|
|
<p>MARRY: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant
|
|
piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and
|
|
your</p>
|
|
<p>attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and
|
|
my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!</p>
|
|
<p>(She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms
|
|
out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd
|
|
be better suited for improvs, or something..</p>
|
|
<p>(Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate
|
|
cake is now all over George's shirt)</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: Thanks a lot!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a few
|
|
women who are rushing out the door)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'm sorry you have to go.</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: Yeah. I really have to be going.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing.
|
|
I don't want cable.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Don't be a fool.</p>
|
|
<p>TABACHNICK: You don't want?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your
|
|
trouble..</p>
|
|
<p>TABACHNICK: (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and
|
|
is ready to leave)</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: I'm going.. obviously.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on
|
|
here tonight. You know, I had no idea..</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized
|
|
something. You're just like you were in college.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank
|
|
you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like
|
|
you were in college"?</p>
|
|
<p>LESLIE: (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom)
|
|
Come on! Let's go!</p>
|
|
<p>(George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts
|
|
- embarrassed)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't
|
|
even want the thing. What are you going to do?!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped on
|
|
chairs)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control
|
|
of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown.
|
|
I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who
|
|
takes that literally?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over,
|
|
Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't
|
|
want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What
|
|
do you say? What do you</p>
|
|
<p>say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around.
|
|
See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around
|
|
that area. You'll be around other</p>
|
|
<p>people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take
|
|
care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care
|
|
now. Take care, now. Because, I'm</p>
|
|
<p>not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now."
|
|
"Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take
|
|
off!" Isn't that what you really want to say?</p>
|
|
<p>"Take off now."</p>
|
|
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
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