760 lines
39 KiB
HTML
760 lines
39 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
|
|
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"
|
|
xmlns:og="http://opengraphprotocol.org/schema/"
|
|
xmlns:fb="http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml"><!-- InstanceBegin template="/Templates/seinfeld.dwt" codeOutsideHTMLIsLocked="false" -->
|
|
<head>
|
|
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
|
|
<META NAME="AUTHOR" CONTENT="Doctoroids" />
|
|
<META NAME="COPYRIGHT" CONTENT="© 2002-2010 Doctoroids" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="doctitle" -->
|
|
<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Beard</title>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<link href="support-files/seinfeld.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="docdescription" -->
|
|
<meta name="description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of
|
|
The Beard. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="dockeywords" -->
|
|
<meta name="keywords" content="the beard, beard, seinfeld scripts, seinfeld, seinfeld episode" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
window.google_analytics_uacct = "UA-16472669-1";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<link rel="image_src" href="images/seinfeld-share.jpg" />
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://s7.addthis.com/js/250/addthis_widget.js#username=doctoroids">var addthis_config = {data_track_clickback: true};</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="head" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="pagetype" -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageType="CONTENT";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script>
|
|
|
|
<meta property="og:site_name" content="SeinfeldScripts"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:app_id" content="164823560224402"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:admins" content="824270386"/>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="ogdata" -->
|
|
<meta property="og:image" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/images/seinfeld-cast.jpg"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:title" content="The Beard"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:type" content="tv_show"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:url" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheBeard.htm"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Beard. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes"/>
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
</head>
|
|
<body>
|
|
<div class="wrap">
|
|
<div class="head_title">
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div id="menu">
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<!-- **** INSERT NAVIGATION ITEMS HERE (use id="selected" to identify the page you're on **** -->
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Gifts</a></li>
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<div class="addthis_toolbox addthis_default_style" id="menu_share">
|
|
<li><a style="padding: 8px 3px 8px 160px" href="http://addthis.com/bookmark.php?v=250&username=doctoroids" class="addthis_button_compact">Share</a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_facebook"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_twitter"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_googlebuzz"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_digg"></a></li>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="underMenu">
|
|
<a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com">Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community!</a></div>
|
|
|
|
<div id="content"><!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="main_content" -->
|
|
<h1>The Beard</h1>
|
|
|
|
<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
|
|
<tr>
|
|
<td>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-in_content-top_left */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4619537930";
|
|
google_ad_width = 300;
|
|
google_ad_height = 250;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
</td>
|
|
</tr>
|
|
</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Episode 102</p>
|
|
<p>Cast:</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry Seinfeld - Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)</p>
|
|
<p>George Castanza - Jason Alexander</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine Benes - Julia Louis-Dreyfus</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer - Michael Richards</p>
|
|
<p>Guest Stars: </p>
|
|
<p>Robert - Robert Mailhouse</p>
|
|
<p>Cathy - Katherine LaNasa</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless Man - Jonathan Gries</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. Stevenson - Ed Winter</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. Stevenson - Georgann Johnson</p>
|
|
<p>Denise - Joan Elizabeth</p>
|
|
<p>Gus - John F. O'Donohue</p>
|
|
<p>Lou - Jerry Diner</p>
|
|
<p>Officer #1 - Mirron E. Willis</p>
|
|
<p>Officer #2 - Ken Kerman</p>
|
|
<p>----------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Opening Monologue]</p>
|
|
<p>The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be the most wildly optimistic<br />
|
|
crime-fighting idea. I mean, so how does it work? Okay. I'm on line at the post<br />
|
|
office. I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. I check the guy standing in line<br />
|
|
behind me. If it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do. Okay? It's not that I<br />
|
|
don't want to help. You know the annoying thing is, why didn't they hold on to<br />
|
|
this guy when they're taking his picture? "No, we don't do it that way. We take<br />
|
|
their picture and we let them go. That's how we get the front and side shot. The<br />
|
|
front is his face. The side is him leaving."</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>At Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with
|
|
the sticks.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I know. I need a lesson.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You stink. You know you stink. What is this?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh. My ballet tickets.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh. Your ballet tickets.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You know, I'm going as a beard.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: A beard?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's,
|
|
I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably</p>
|
|
<p>gorgeous, of course he's gay.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited
|
|
us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's</p>
|
|
<p>afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going
|
|
along as his date.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why are you doing this?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Swan Lake, at the Met.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I think he looks fantastic.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, come on.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, I never realized what an attractive man he is.</p>
|
|
<p>George enters, wearing a toupee.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh?
|
|
Excuse me.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You look ridiculous in that thing.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a *little*
|
|
bit worried that you may have missed the boat?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your
|
|
brain.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if
|
|
you must. But let me tell you something, with </p>
|
|
<p>my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I
|
|
am in the game. I no longer defer to the</p>
|
|
<p>coifed. I'm a player.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous
|
|
woman, she called me up this</p>
|
|
<p>morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know
|
|
of anyone she could meet. Now you can</p>
|
|
<p>go out with her.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well what about me?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No I think he's got you beat buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So she's gorgeous.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well have you got a picture?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, I have to see her.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works
|
|
over at the police station. He's a</p>
|
|
<p>composite artist.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her
|
|
for you.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, yeah. I think he will.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It sounds like an excellent idea.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to
|
|
a homeless person.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to
|
|
see how those sketch artists do it.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Here you go brother. Some food for you.</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless man: Thank you. You're a good man. Bless you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Now are you going to be here in an hour?</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless man: Where am I going?</p>
|
|
<p>(commercial)</p>
|
|
<p>At the police station.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's
|
|
that nut?</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: Almond?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Pouty? I like that.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You can't go wrong with pouty.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm excited about the pouty.</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: All right I think that about does it.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right George, come on, take a look.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. You want to meet
|
|
her?</p>
|
|
<p>Walking down the street.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the
|
|
police woman?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law
|
|
on my side.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, man. Enjoy the food?</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless man: Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like
|
|
that?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless man: I don't think so. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Woah, woah, that's mine.</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless man: You gave it to me.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't
|
|
give away tupperware.</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless man: You should have said something.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware
|
|
you just assume.</p>
|
|
<p>At the ballet.</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: I've really got to thank you for this.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well by now, you think people would be a little more open
|
|
minded.</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: Really. Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>Boss' wife: So, um, you and Robert.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yes indeed.</p>
|
|
<p>Boss: I'm surprised.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Really. Why?</p>
|
|
<p>Boss: No reason.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's
|
|
not exactly a *one* *woman* *man*, if </p>
|
|
<p>you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways,
|
|
he's a typical guy, he likes his</p>
|
|
<p>sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight
|
|
at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in</p>
|
|
<p>watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those
|
|
two halves of his personality that just</p>
|
|
<p>come together to make him the very special guy that he is.</p>
|
|
<p>Robert comes back.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, hi honey.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine grabs Robert and kisses him.</p>
|
|
<p>At Monk's.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh it was such a great night.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And did they suspect anything?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him
|
|
honey.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend
|
|
for homosexuals.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh it was such a great night. Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You said that already.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh I did?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: He's incredible.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, but?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, I know.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well it did occur to me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not
|
|
going to suddenly switch sides. Forget </p>
|
|
<p>about it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Why? Is it irrevocable?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes
|
|
his team. He's set with that team.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: We've got a good team.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Why can't he play for us?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: They're only comfortable with *their* equipment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: We just got along *so* great.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
no possibility of sex.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something.
|
|
I perceived a possibility Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I realize that.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Are you that desperate?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yes I am.</p>
|
|
<p>At Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's
|
|
settled. First date, no weapons... All right</p>
|
|
<p>I'll see you then... Okay, bye.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you looking for?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Tupperware.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious
|
|
casserole, but now it won't keep because</p>
|
|
<p>I have no Tupperware. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What about a plastic bag?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You must be kidding.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What is the difference?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.</p>
|
|
<p>George enters.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh yeah, you talked to her.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah well we go way back.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Why didn't anything happen between you two?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Who's to say it didn't?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So did you describe yourself to her over the phone?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes I did.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What did you say to her?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What do you think I said?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I told her the truth.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: As you see it?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes, as I see it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What hat?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know, you're little hair hat there.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Don't you think she could tell?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful
|
|
job.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks
|
|
away.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You only think that because you know me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Have you noticed people staring at your head?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I noticed people staring at my head because they like what
|
|
they see.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go
|
|
over there bald, I never would have</p>
|
|
<p>introduced him.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Look, I guarantee she won't know.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the
|
|
precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I'll split a cab with you.</p>
|
|
<p>Walking down the street.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer drops something into the man's cup.</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless man: Hey that's my coffee!</p>
|
|
<p>At the police station</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hi Sarge.</p>
|
|
<p>Tierney: Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our lineup decoys didn't
|
|
show. Hey any of you guys want to be in</p>
|
|
<p>the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Sure. I will.</p>
|
|
<p>Tierney: Perfect. Just go over there with officer Lampert.</p>
|
|
<p>In the lineup room.</p>
|
|
<p>6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Over the speaker: All of you, turn to the left.</p>
|
|
<p>Everyone turns left. Kramer turns right.</p>
|
|
<p>Over the speaker: The left.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer turns left.</p>
|
|
<p>Over the speaker: Now turn to the right.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer turns to the right doing a "hokey pokey" dance.</p>
|
|
<p>At Monk's.</p>
|
|
<p>George: (thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the
|
|
face, just like the picture.</p>
|
|
<p>Denise: George?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.</p>
|
|
<p>Denise: Likewise. Have you been waiting long?</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago.</p>
|
|
<p>Denise: Good, good.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile.</p>
|
|
<p>Camera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is still
|
|
on George. His expression changes to surprise.</p>
|
|
<p>At the police station.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What's that?</p>
|
|
<p>Tierney: A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector
|
|
test.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that
|
|
their pants are actually on fire?</p>
|
|
<p>Tierney: If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up
|
|
here. A certain cast member of Melrose</p>
|
|
<p>Place.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Really.</p>
|
|
<p>Tierney: Have you ever seen the show?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Tierney: You can admit it Jerry. It's okay.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I admit it. I don't watch it.</p>
|
|
<p>Tierney: Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: The poly?</p>
|
|
<p>Tierney: Yeah. I think you've seen it.</p>
|
|
<p>(commercial)</p>
|
|
<p>At Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Melrose Place?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes. Melrose Place.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I just didn't know you watched that.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well I do.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or
|
|
join in the conversation.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You mean this whole time we could have been discussing
|
|
Sydney and Michael and Jane...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Why? Why were you so embarrassed?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test
|
|
and that needle's going to be going wild.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing
|
|
to.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So what are you going to do?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful,
|
|
duplicitous, deceptive minds of our</p>
|
|
<p>time. Who better to advise me?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine takes a drink of something.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh god this tastes terrible.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Did you shake it up?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You gotta shake it up.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and
|
|
his wife.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So tonight are you going to make the move?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, I think I might.</p>
|
|
<p>George enters.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?</p>
|
|
<p>George: That's an interesting question.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How so?</p>
|
|
<p>George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What do you mean bald?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She's bald?</p>
|
|
<p>George: She's bald.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh come on.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there
|
|
she was (waving his hand over his</p>
|
|
<p>head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well maybe she got a haircut or something.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor
|
|
and says "Give me the Larry Fine."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Women go bald?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You fixed me up with a bald woman.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer flinches.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Bald?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, that's right.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because
|
|
they're bald.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!</p>
|
|
<p>George: No I'm not. I *was* bald.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the
|
|
door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the</p>
|
|
<p>toupee and runs to the window.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, no, no Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: (shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm
|
|
doing with it.</p>
|
|
<p>She tosses the toupee out the window.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Nooooo.</p>
|
|
<p>He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.</p>
|
|
<p>Outside.</p>
|
|
<p>The homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee.
|
|
He puts it on.</p>
|
|
<p>At Elaine's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with me?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well I figured that's what couples do.</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: You almost convinced me we were a couple.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well it was easy. Really.</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs?</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: Upstairs?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah. Upstairs?</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I was hoping you know, that you might be interested in...
|
|
changing teams?</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: Changing teams?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Elaine: Have you ever thought about it?</p>
|
|
<p>Robert: But I'm a starting shortstop.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*.</p>
|
|
<p>At Monk's.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window,
|
|
it was the best thing that ever happened to</p>
|
|
<p>me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely
|
|
insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a</p>
|
|
<p>pleasure.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Good to have you back.</p>
|
|
<p>George: And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to
|
|
keep seeing the bald woman.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She's as good as anybody else.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't
|
|
a lot of hair on it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like
|
|
a bald-again.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Going to need a little more coffee here.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So George, how do I beat this lie detector?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can
|
|
help me.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach
|
|
me to sing like you."</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe
|
|
I'm doing this.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>Outside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hey, I did it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I turned him. He defected.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom-</p>
|
|
<p>boom.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to
|
|
every woman who's ever said "Too</p>
|
|
<p>bad he's gay".</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible.
|
|
Jeromy, I have *hit* the jackpot.</p>
|
|
<p>The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.</p>
|
|
<p>At the police station.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk into
|
|
the room. They stand there for a few</p>
|
|
<p>moments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left. He
|
|
then tilts his head a few times to the man</p>
|
|
<p>on his left.</p>
|
|
<p>Elsewhere at the police station.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is hooked up to the polygraph.</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: What's your name?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Jerry Seinfeld.</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: What is your address?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: 129 West 81st street.</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the
|
|
paper.</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the
|
|
paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney </p>
|
|
<p>look at each other.</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas?
|
|
And if so, did she enjoy it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>Lou: Did Jane sleep with Michael again?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly,
|
|
he slept with her sister. He tricked</p>
|
|
<p>her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead
|
|
and sleeps with him again. I mean she's</p>
|
|
<p>crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she
|
|
makes me so mad.</p>
|
|
<p>He picks up his coat and leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>At Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He went back? What do you mean he went back?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: He went back.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't understand it. You were having such a great time,
|
|
the sex, the shopping.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have
|
|
access to the, uh... equipment, what,</p>
|
|
<p>thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How
|
|
can I be expected to have the same</p>
|
|
<p>expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to
|
|
it twenty-four hours a day, their entire</p>
|
|
<p>lives.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You can't. That's why they lose very few players.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well there's always a place for you, on our team.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>George enters.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hey George, I am *really* proud of you. I really do admire
|
|
what you've done.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What is the matter?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me.
|
|
Heh, you like that one? A woman</p>
|
|
<p>with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type.
|
|
Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with
|
|
that piece off and was devastated. You</p>
|
|
<p>blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him.
|
|
Didn't you?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did,
|
|
and it made him act like a jerk.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.</p>
|
|
<p>Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug.</p>
|
|
<p>(commercial)</p>
|
|
<p>At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy,
|
|
you're a slippery one. You'd better</p>
|
|
<p>straighten up and fly right buddy boy.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in. Come
|
|
here. Do you recognize anybody in the</p>
|
|
<p>lineup?</p>
|
|
<p>Homeless man: That's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle.
|
|
The tall guy with the, with the high</p>
|
|
<p>hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Hey you, you with the high hair, step forward.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Me?</p>
|
|
<p>The End.</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
|
|
|
|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
|
|
<div id="upperBox">
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|