810 lines
44 KiB
HTML
810 lines
44 KiB
HTML
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<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Bookstore </title>
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<h1>The Bookstore</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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</p>
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<p>Donated by Ivy (Seinfeld10@aol.com)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Written by: Spike Feresten, Darin Henry, and Mark Jaffe</p>
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<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: April 9, 1998 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Len Lesser (as Uncle Leo),
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Wayne</p>
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<p>Knight (as Newman), John O'Hurley (as Peterman), and Jonathan Pennter</p>
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<p>(as Zach).</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: Bookstore]</p>
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<p>(George and Jerry both enter a bookstore)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet
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girls in New York.</p>
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<p>JERRY: First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now
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the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin'
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anybody.</p>
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<p>(Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a book)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over
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to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) You better hurry.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm gonna hit the head.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw.
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See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker
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vehicles.</p>
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<p>(George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his
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way in)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.</p>
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<p>JERRY: She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the
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one she danced at last year?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh? Who's Leo?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Uncle Leo.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name..</p>
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<p>(Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf.
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Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Did I just see that?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days,
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huh?</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: The Annual Peterman Party]</p>
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<p>(Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes
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up to her)</p>
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<p>WALTER: (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. are you going to
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dance this year?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Maybe.. All over your face!</p>
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<p>(A waiter serving food approaches Elaine)</p>
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<p>WAITER: If you do dance, the cooks want to know - so they can be
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brought out of the kitchen. They missed it last year.</p>
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<p>(Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to Peterman
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giving a toast)</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired Melanasians
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of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and
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popping sounds. The music</p>
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<p>starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture that
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they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to get things
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started. (Grabs a female</p>
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<p>employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed)</p>
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<p>(Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down
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at Elaine's table)</p>
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<p>ZACH: Hi, I'm Zach.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Bookstore]</p>
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<p>(George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom
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with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him)</p>
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<p>MANAGER: Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Acting innocent) I'm all set.</p>
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<p>MANAGER: (Pointing) Did you take that book with you into the bathroom?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to
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hear?</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: The Coffee shop]</p>
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<p>(George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me.
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(Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it
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wasn't for the toilet, there</p>
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<p>would be no books.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend
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a lot of time in there.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded
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by reading material. It's entrapment!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy)
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'French Impressionist Paintings'?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Cutting him off) Thank you very much.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when
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there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at
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the bookstore.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to
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the man!</p>
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<p>(Elaine enters and sits down)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Sleeping in the caragain?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Cocktail flu.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself.
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There was this guy, and we had a few too many..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You went home with him?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going
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down!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic.
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Did you end up xeroxing anything?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this
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is to someone in my position?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Confused) What's your position?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I am an associate.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, me too.</p>
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<p>(A waitress, passing their table, speaks up)</p>
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<p>WAITRESS: Yeah, me too.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what
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everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of
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Skanko-Roman wrestling.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having a
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conference at his table)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and
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sandwiches?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: (Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you
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can clear some of this stuff out of the way.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the
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table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're
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gonna make it happen!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes, it can.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on,
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we're gonna have a whole fleet!</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt
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or dander of the equine.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So, who's gonna pull this thing?</p>
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<p>(Kramer and Newman both look at eachother)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: Yeah, but I though-</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My,
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isn't this an awkward moment?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Brainstorming) What about the homeless?</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: Can't we worry about them later?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate
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knowledge of the street..</p>
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<p>KRAMER: They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap
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something to them?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard
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all day.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: The Coffee shop]</p>
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<p>(Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth)</p>
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<p>LEO: Jerry, hello! (Sits down)</p>
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<p>JERRY: So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?</p>
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<p>LEO: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about
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money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?</p>
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<p>LEO: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly
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amending what he just said) But I'm not.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.</p>
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<p>LEO: Why didn't ya say hello?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Because you were too busy stealing a book.</p>
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<p>LEO: (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.</p>
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<p>LEO: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>JERRY: Who, criminals?</p>
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<p>LEO: Senior citizens. No big deal.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You could get arrested.</p>
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<p>LEO: Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his
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stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it.
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What's my name? Will you take me</p>
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<p>home?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Pleading) Leo..</p>
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<p>LEO: Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.</p>
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<p>LEO: (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody
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answer that damn phone?!</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Peterman office building hallway]</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been
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dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank?</p>
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<p>WALTER: Well..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: "Well"? We've been dating for three months. Between
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you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell.</p>
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<p>(Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making
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out with another co-worker)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh..</p>
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<p>WALTER: (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't that Zach?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
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<p>WALTER: Aren't you upset?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: NYC street]</p>
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<p>(Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close by
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are three homeless guys in a line)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked
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out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for
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are motivated,</p>
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<p>hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws.
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(One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now,
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I don't caer where you're</p>
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<p>from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But
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you will have to be physically fit.</p>
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<p>(One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle)</p>
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<p>HOMELESS MAN: The government!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws
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means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned
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upper body.</p>
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<p>(Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt..</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: Alright, who's first?</p>
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<p>(The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him
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on the shoulder - dust flies into the air)</p>
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<p>KRMAER: Hey.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: Name, please.</p>
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<p>HOMELESS MAN: Rusty.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No
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offence.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the
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block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what
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you've got! Ok? Ready, and</p>
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<p>go!</p>
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<p>(Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good
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form.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're
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gonna have to do this all day for very little money.</p>
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<p>(They both notice that Rusty is not stopping)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, what's he doin'?</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: I think he stealing our rickshaw!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, then, he's out!</p>
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<p>(Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing
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in line - alone)</p>
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<p>HOMELESS MAN 2: (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. Potato salad!"</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Bookstore]</p>
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<p>(Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return
|
|
the book)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.</p>
|
|
<p>CASHIER: (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we
|
|
can't take this book back.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>CASHIER: It's been flagged.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Confused) Flagged?</p>
|
|
<p>CASHIER: It's been in the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It says that on the computer?</p>
|
|
<p>CASHIER: Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business!
|
|
Because I love to read!</p>
|
|
<p>(George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo
|
|
stealing another book)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security
|
|
guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's
|
|
having a little problem with</p>
|
|
<p>shoplifting..</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could
|
|
just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..</p>
|
|
<p>GAURD: (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks.
|
|
All units respond.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and
|
|
let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm!</p>
|
|
<p>(Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: You're under arrest.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: Jerry, you ratted me out?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip)
|
|
Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry is on the phone with his parents)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard
|
|
to scare him straight.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: She's got priors.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Confused) What does that mean?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Nobody pays for everyting.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so
|
|
quick.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Mom, you too?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer and Newman both enter)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, I'll talk to you later.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well,
|
|
the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes
|
|
a noise), he bolted.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all
|
|
homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from
|
|
him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters.
|
|
I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.</p>
|
|
<p>(Newman and Kramer both go to leave)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: To the Idiotmobile!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: The Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, even though you're not really going out with this guy,
|
|
he's cheating on you?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand
|
|
up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and
|
|
I'm the office-</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Butting in) Tina Turner?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Accepting) Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>(George enters with his large art book)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in
|
|
every database in town!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try
|
|
on pants.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Stern on George) Not underpants.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.</p>
|
|
<p>(Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: (Bitter) Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know
|
|
about your.. past.</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays
|
|
me, I never forget!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through
|
|
it)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George)
|
|
Now, what is the problem with this book?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: How much do you want for it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George at
|
|
the booth)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine
|
|
looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence
|
|
Jerry) Jerry, simmer down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that
|
|
book.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Confused) What is wrong with this book?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Simmer!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the
|
|
bathroom with him and-</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from
|
|
the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming
|
|
through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs</p>
|
|
<p>to the bathroom to wash her hands)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry)
|
|
May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't read in the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, aren't you something?</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Elaine's office]</p>
|
|
<p>(Peterman walks in)</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little
|
|
performance in the break room.</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room
|
|
to nibble on a love newton?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Confused) Love newton?</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better!</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the
|
|
one who sent him to Thailand - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled
|
|
his head with pseudoerotic</p>
|
|
<p>tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers
|
|
of places he could score near the hotel.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning
|
|
on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam.
|
|
Now, he is going cold turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at his
|
|
side.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you
|
|
of your 'associate' status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the first
|
|
twenty-four hours are the worst.</p>
|
|
<p>Better bring a poncho.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through
|
|
his head while he's trying to sleep)</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: It was a crime of passion.</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: If anyone betrays me, I never forget.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: He won't last a day in prison.</p>
|
|
<p>(Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison
|
|
*NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the movie
|
|
"Cape Fear")</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right
|
|
hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups)
|
|
Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right,</p>
|
|
<p>yelling out) Answer that damn phone!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's
|
|
ringing. He answers it)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, it's me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uncle Leo?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Nightmares. You?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals.</p>
|
|
<p>ZACH: (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning up! Elaine!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Eat your soup!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're not feeding him, are you?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you,
|
|
away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits
|
|
again - this time into the</p>
|
|
<p>bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta
|
|
go.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks in)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Scared) Ah! Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I thought I heard you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Get out of here!</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's
|
|
bedroom) There you are.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Will everybody please leave?!</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in
|
|
Battery Park.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Our rickshaw?</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: It's entirely possible.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I want everyone out!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's
|
|
kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (To Jerry) Good night.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Bitter) Good night, Newman.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Park]</p>
|
|
<p>(Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park)</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: There it is!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Rusty!</p>
|
|
<p>RUSTY: Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the job?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling
|
|
the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Uh..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What?</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for
|
|
us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after
|
|
all, it is a conveyance.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes, that's true.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: So, which one of us is gonna pull?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing
|
|
back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme)
|
|
One spot, two spot,</p>
|
|
<p>zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare
|
|
'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (Realizing he won) Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme
|
|
again) One spot, two spot..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling)</p>
|
|
<p>NEMWAN: Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: A homeless charity center]</p>
|
|
<p>(Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes across
|
|
Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine about her
|
|
muffin stumps in</p>
|
|
<p>episode "The Muffin Tops")</p>
|
|
<p>REBECCA: (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want to donate this
|
|
to charity?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.</p>
|
|
<p>REBECCA: What's the value of the book?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney.</p>
|
|
<p>REBECCA: (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>REBECCA: (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain)
|
|
This book has been in the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's
|
|
rediculous.</p>
|
|
<p>REBECCA: It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's.
|
|
Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough
|
|
that we have some nut out</p>
|
|
<p>there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just
|
|
take fifty. Do - do we have a deal?</p>
|
|
<p>REBECCA: Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of
|
|
here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I could take it in merchandise..</p>
|
|
<p>REBECCA: (Threatening to hit him) Here I come..</p>
|
|
<p>(George grabs his book and runs for his life)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Bookstore]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking
|
|
with the cashier while checking out a book)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?</p>
|
|
<p>CASHIER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Great.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To Elaine) So, the worst is over?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm
|
|
the office hero.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real
|
|
ones.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAIEN: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. the Detox Poncho.</p>
|
|
<p>(She's through buying the book, and is ready to go)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Leaving Jerry) See ya.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: NYC Street]</p>
|
|
<p>(Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer)</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets
|
|
the rickshaw down - taking a rest)</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Stretching) Oh..</p>
|
|
<p>(The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill)</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>(The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes
|
|
an attempt to chase it)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Woah! Wait!</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Ahhh! Yaaaahhh!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street)</p>
|
|
<p>ZACH: (Optimistic) Well, this is the first day of the rest of my
|
|
life!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill)</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Waaaaahhhh!</p>
|
|
<p>(Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street,
|
|
Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts walking,
|
|
then running away from the</p>
|
|
<p>crushed rickshaw)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Bookstore]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George
|
|
enter)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: George? What are you doin' here?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I can't sell the book. It's been marked.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That
|
|
way, everything is even.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal
|
|
another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm goin' in!</p>
|
|
<p>(George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks
|
|
up to Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>MANAGER: Did you want to speak with the manager?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..</p>
|
|
<p>MANAGER: Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy
|
|
is we prosecute all shoplifters.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All
|
|
old people steal.</p>
|
|
<p>MANAGER: That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries.
|
|
Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft
|
|
lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So it could be anyone?</p>
|
|
<p>MANAGER: I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat
|
|
- and is trying to act innocent)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm!</p>
|
|
<p>(George is instantly surrounded by guards)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No! Jerry!</p>
|
|
<p>END OF EPISODE.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>
|
|
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<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
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</script>
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</div>
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<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
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<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
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<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
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<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
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<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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|
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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|
</div>
|
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</form>
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|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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|
</div>
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|
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|
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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|
|
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
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|
google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
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|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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|
|
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<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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|
var bannerSize = 2300;
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|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|