952 lines
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952 lines
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<h1>The Bottle Deposit (1)</h1>
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Transcribed by: Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness </p>
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<p>7.21 The Bottle Deposit (1)<br>
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Episode Number: 131</p>
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<p>Original Air Date: May 02, 1996<br>
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Written by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin<br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p>Guest Cast:<br>
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Brad Garrett (Tony)<br>
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Brenda Strong (Sue Ellen)<br>
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Patrick Kerr (Clerk)<br>
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Harvey Jason (Auctioneer)<br>
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Larry Polson (Homeless Guy)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Nightclub]</p>
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<p>Jerry's standup monologue.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and </p>
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<p>it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness,
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</p>
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<p>they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the
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</p>
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<p>mechanic comes out; he looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in goo, from
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head to toe. </p>
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<p>You can't even see him. Although, I prefer that to when they have the
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lab coat, </p>
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<p>The clipboard and the nice glasses. Now you know you're getting screwed.
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</p>
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<p>(as concerned car owner) 'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic) 'You
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</p>
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<p>better not. It's idling quietly right now. I think it should stay overnight.
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We </p>
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<p>wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna keep the bill running up.'</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Yankee Stadium]</p>
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<p>Mr Wilhelm is hurrying along a corridor, with George trailing in his
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</p>
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<p>wake. As Wilhelm speaks, George is making notes onto a pad and looking
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</p>
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<p>flustered.</p>
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<p>WILHELM: And you can tell the players that I reimburse the trainer for
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</p>
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<p>The cigarettes and the dive checks.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?</p>
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<p>WILHELM: The trainer, George. Tell the players I'll reimburse the </p>
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<p>trainer. What's the matter with you? This is the third time I've had
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to repeat </p>
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<p>myself.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.</p>
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<p>WILHELM: Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running a ball club here </p>
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<p>George. You've got to pay attention.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I know, sir. It won't happen again.</p>
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<p>WILHELM: Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment for you... uh.</p>
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<p>Wilhelm wanders across the corridor, thinking to himself, he opens the
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</p>
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<p>door to the men's room and strolls through.</p>
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<p>WILHELM: Lemme think here.</p>
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<p>George starts to follow Wilhelm into the men's room, but thinks better
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</p>
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<p>of it. He wonders briefly what to do, then leans against the wall by
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the door, to </p>
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<p>await Wilhelm's return.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Elaine's Office]</p>
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<p>Elaine sits behind her desk working at her computer. Mr Peterman </p>
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<p>enters. He's carrying an auction house catalogue.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: Elaine.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi, Mr Peterman.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: You know what a huge fan I am of John F Kennedy.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I do.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this </p>
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<p>business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: The pygmy pullover.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item
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</p>
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<p>in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me,
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they </p>
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<p>capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Whatever.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: But, unfortunately I will be out of town with my lady-friend
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</p>
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<p>And therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you would
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go in </p>
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<p>my stead.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd be happy to. Uhm, how much
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</p>
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<p>d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high are you
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willing </p>
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<p>to go?</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: I would see no trouble in spending up to, say, ten thousand
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</p>
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<p>dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque.</p>
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<p>He drops the catalogue on the surprised Elaine's desk and exits.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Wow.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Yankee Stadium]</p>
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<p>George still waits outside the men's room. He's been waiting a while.
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</p>
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<p>He looks at his watch and decides to go in. As he enters, he finds Wilhelm
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</p>
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<p>emerging from a stall, and still talking.</p>
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<p>WILHELM: ...when you're done George, and bring it directly to me. Mr</p>
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<p>Steinbrenner is very interested in this.</p>
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<p>Wilhelm washes his hands, while George looks panicky and opts to bluff
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</p>
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<p>it out.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes, sir.</p>
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<p>WILHELM: (drying his hands and heading for the door) Yes, George. I </p>
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<p>want you to make this project a top priority.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I will, sir. Top priority.</p>
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<p>WILHELM: (exiting) Top priority.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Top priority.</p>
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<p>George throws up his arms in despair.</p>
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<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
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<p>Jerry and George stand. George is explaining what happened.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.</p>
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<p>JERRY: He pulled an LBJ on you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: LBJ?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No kidding?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He </p>
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<p>planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even
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</p>
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<p>know what my assignment is.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention. </p>
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<p>Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him </p>
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<p>you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work.</p>
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<p>The door opens and Kramer enters, followed by Newman. Kramer is </p>
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<p>carrying a large can of some foodstuff, from which he is eating the odd
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morsel. Newman </p>
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<p>has a pack of soda (mellow yellow?), and is swigging from one of the
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bottles.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey buddy.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Can I have my keys...</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (catching keys) ...back, please?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You shoulda come, Jerry.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: We made quite a haul.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Where'd you go?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Price club.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why didn't you take your car?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is.</p>
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<p>Newman finishes his soda and drops the bottle in Jerry's bin.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What're you doing. (fetching the bottle from the trash) Don't
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</p>
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<p>throw that away.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: Well, I'm not paying the five cents for that stupid recycling
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</p>
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<p>thing.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You don't pay five cents, you get five cents back. Here, read
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</p>
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<p>the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts,
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New </p>
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<p>York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, five cents.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: (taking bottle) Refund?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yes.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing?</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: I don't know, they're deranged.</p>
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<p>Kramer and Newman sit on Jerry's couch. Kramer has TV Guide, Newman </p>
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<p>Still reading the bottle.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this </p>
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<p>Kennedy auction.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Awright, I'll see you later.</p>
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<p>George leaves. Jerry exits to the bedroom.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: (peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: Ten cents!?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents
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</p>
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<p>there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for
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the </p>
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<p>difference.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>KRAMER: No, it doesn't work.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles </p>
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<p>together...</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on
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</p>
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<p>gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit </p>
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<p>bottle scam again, are you?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, no, I'm off that.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: You tried it?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove
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</p>
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<p>me crazy.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (leaving) You two keep an eye on each other?</p>
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<p>NEWMAN/KRAMER: (simultaneous) No problem. You bet.</p>
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<p>Jerry exits, shaking his head.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Sotheby's]</p>
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<p>An auction room, with several rows of seating facing a platform with
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a </p>
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<p>lectern for the auctioneer. Many people sit or stand around, with catalogues
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</p>
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<p>And numbered paddles for making bids. Jerry and Elaine enter.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know
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</p>
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<p>Those two idiots did something to it.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my
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</p>
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<p>God, look who's here.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress.</p>
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<p>Sue Ellen notices them, and comes over.</p>
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<p>SUE ELLEN: Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi Sue Ellen.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hi Sue Ellen.</p>
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<p>SUE ELLEN: I'm surprised to see you here. Come to catch a glimpse of
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</p>
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<p>high society?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to </p>
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<p>bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society.</p>
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<p>SUE ELLEN: Well, I hope you find something that fits your budget.</p>
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<p>Sue Ellen walks away to her seat. Elaine and Jerry make their way to
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</p>
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<p>their seats,</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (half under her breath and half to Jerry) I... hate that woman.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
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<p>Kramer and Newman are still on Jerry's couch. Kramer is watching TV,
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</p>
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<p>While Newman has been working something out on a pad.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got
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</p>
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<p>permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league.</p>
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<p>NEWMAN: I wanna learn. I want to know why.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Sotheby's]</p>
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<p>A bag of golf clubs is brought onto the platform.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) Oh. Those are handsome.
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</p>
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<p>Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.</p>
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<p>AUCTIONEER: Lot number seven forty-five. We have a full set of golf </p>
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<p>clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in the famous
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</p>
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<p>photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of
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the Bay of Pigs </p>
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<p>invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the bidding
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at four </p>
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<p>thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand dollars?</p>
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<p>A man behind Elaine raises his paddle to bid.</p>
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<p>AUCTIONEER: I have four thousand dollars. Do I have five? (another </p>
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<p>person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars. Do
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I have six? Six </p>
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<p>thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid) Six.
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I have six </p>
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<p>thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred?</p>
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<p>Elaine raises her paddle to bid.</p>
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<p>AUCTIONEER: Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired person on the right.
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</p>
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<p>We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?</p>
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<p>Sue-Ellen looks thoughtful.</p>
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<p>AUCTIONEER: The president's own golf clubs. Leisure life at Camelot.
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</p>
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<p>Sixty-five hundred going once...</p>
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<p>Jerry and Elaine think they've got them.</p>
|
|
<p>SUE ELLEN: Eight thousand.</p>
|
|
<p>AUCTIONEER: Eight thousand. We have eight thousand. The bid is now </p>
|
|
<p>eight thousand dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (to Jerry) What is she doing? She's starting in on the bidding
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!</p>
|
|
<p>AUCTIONEER: We have eighty-five...</p>
|
|
<p>SUE ELLEN: Nine thousand.</p>
|
|
<p>AUCTIONEER: Nine thousand dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Think she wants those clubs.</p>
|
|
<p>AUCTIONEER: Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ninety-five hundred.</p>
|
|
<p>SUE ELLEN: Ten thousand.</p>
|
|
<p>AUCTIONEER: Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on the left. Ten </p>
|
|
<p>thousand going once...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, that's your ceiling.</p>
|
|
<p>AUCTIONEER: Ten thousand going twice...</p>
|
|
<p>Sue Ellen looks over at Elaine, with a smirk.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (determined) Eleven thousand!</p>
|
|
<p>SUE ELLEN: Twelve thousand.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (angrier) Thirteen thousand!</p>
|
|
<p>SUE ELLEN: Fourteen thousand.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (vicious) Fifteen thousand!!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry buries his face in his hands.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Car]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is driving Elaine home. In the back seat, the golf clubs can be
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>seen. There is a persistent clunking sound coming from the car.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Peterman is gonna kill me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why didn't you stop me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Do you hear this clunking?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (listening) A little.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Car, later]</p>
|
|
<p>The Saab halts outside Elaine's apartment building.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>You later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alrighty, bye.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Bye.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine leaves the car and walks away. Jerry restarts the car, when he
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Notices steam and smoke emerging from under the hood.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's going on here?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry gets out of the car and runs to raise the hood.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh God!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry opens the hood of his car. As the smoke and steam clears, it </p>
|
|
<p>becomes clear there are a variety of comestibles arranged on and around
|
|
the engine</p>
|
|
<p>compartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (angry) Oh, you idiots!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer and Newman still occupy the couch.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. You know, go lean and
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>mean?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>is.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot about those.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>thinking?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: We ran outta space.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, Tony, he's good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I
|
|
gotta get </p>
|
|
<p>it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at
|
|
me.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?' </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Auto Shop]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and Tony is
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Looking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over the roof
|
|
and </p>
|
|
<p>along the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I </p>
|
|
<p>thought it might be time for a check up...</p>
|
|
<p>Tony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and begins
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Ferreting about.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: There's really nothing wrong on the inside.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I hadn't noticed.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: (accusingly) Have you been picking at it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and </p>
|
|
<p>tear.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: You been rotating the tires?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Try to.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all </p>
|
|
<p>turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine's Office]</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's twice the amount
|
|
I</p>
|
|
<p>authorised you to spend.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her subject)
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
You know, </p>
|
|
<p>certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts
|
|
herself in </p>
|
|
<p>public without any regard...</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Well, where are they?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (ingratiatingly) They should be here today.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[George's Office]</p>
|
|
<p>George stands, silently rehearsing his follow-up question. Wilhelm </p>
|
|
<p>walks by the window, down the corridor. George takes the plunge.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Uh, Mr Wilhelm.</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: (entering the office) Yes George.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hi, I was just uh... I just had one little question about uh,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>My assignment.</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: Yes, well I trust things are moving smoothly. Mr </p>
|
|
<p>Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. No, but I really wanna </p>
|
|
<p>attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was just wondering...
|
|
what </p>
|
|
<p>do you think would be the very best way to get started?</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: (confusion) Get started? I don't understand, George.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, I was wondering...</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: You mean you haven't been to payroll?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that.</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: Well, what's the problem? Now come on George. I told the big
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down!</p>
|
|
<p>Wilhelm leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Payroll!!</p>
|
|
<p>George grabs his jacket, races to the door, checks Wilhelm has gone,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and darts off down the corridor.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Yankee Stadium: Payroll Office]</p>
|
|
<p>A meek looking clerk sits behind a counter. George enters.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hello there. I'm George Costanza.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Yes?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Assistant to the travelling secretary. (fishing for a reaction)
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>I'm uh, working on the project.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: What project?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big payroll project.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: You're gonna have to fill me in.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just look around for a little
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: (blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse me, uh, you can't come
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Back here.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Look, I am under direct orders from Mr Wilhelm. So if you have
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Well, maybe I will.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (spotting possible salvation) You know what, I urge you to take
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what I'm doing
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: (on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge in payroll. Uh, </p>
|
|
<p>there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project?</p>
|
|
<p>George is leaning across the counter, trying to hear Wilhelm's side of
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>the converstion.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: (on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to his other ear) Oh, I see.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>(listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project. Alright,
|
|
thank </p>
|
|
<p>you.</p>
|
|
<p>The clerk puts down the phone. George looks expectant.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: (apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that I doubted you. Whatever
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>you need, just uh, make yourself at home.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So he explained it all to you?</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Yes, he explained it all very clearly.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What'd he tell you?</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: (upset) Look! You were right, I was wrong! You don't have to </p>
|
|
<p>humiliate me about it, alright!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman's Apartment}</p>
|
|
<p>Newman sits on his couch. He's using an old mechanical adding machine
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>and a pad to work on permutations for the 'Michigan deposit bottle scam'.
|
|
There </p>
|
|
<p>are spools of used paper from the adding machine all over the table and
|
|
maps of </p>
|
|
<p>the northeastern states of the US pinned up on the wall. He taps out
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>series of number, pulls the handle and reads the result, then looks at
|
|
what he's </p>
|
|
<p>written on his pad.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Damn!</p>
|
|
<p>Frustrated, he sits back. He notices a framed photograph of his mother.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>A thought occurs.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN (V.O.): Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) Wait a second.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Mother's Day?!</p>
|
|
<p>He starts typing figures into the adding machine rapidly. He mouths </p>
|
|
<p>numbers to himself, shrugging as he makes estimates. When he finishes
|
|
he tears the </p>
|
|
<p>paper strip from the machine, compares it to figures on his pad.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (triumphant) Yessss!</p>
|
|
<p>In celebration he swigs from a bottle of soda.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Ahaha!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Hallway]</p>
|
|
<p>Newman hurries up to Kramer's door and hammers on it with his fist. He
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>waits a few seconds, then impatiently hammers agin.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: Come on Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>The door opens to reveal Kramer midway through a shave, holding a </p>
|
|
<p>razor, with</p>
|
|
<p>foam on his face. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Wha...?</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office </p>
|
|
<p>sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility
|
|
in </p>
|
|
<p>Sagenaw, Michigan.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (interested) Uh-huh.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On </p>
|
|
<p>alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the
|
|
brim. And tomorrow, </p>
|
|
<p>if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (realisation) Mother's Day.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>truck.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost </p>
|
|
<p>structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (excited) We carry a coupla bags of mail, and the rest is ours!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!</p>
|
|
<p>NEWMAN: (triumph) Let the collecting begin!</p>
|
|
<p>They embrace joyfully.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Montage of scenes]</p>
|
|
<p>A woman puts a soda can on top of a mail box while she reaches into her
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>bag for something to post. A hand reaches from behind the box, picks
|
|
up the can </p>
|
|
<p>and disappears back behind the box. The woman is flummoxed by the can's</p>
|
|
<p>disappearance.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman stands nonchalantly beside a dumpster with a plastic sack </p>
|
|
<p>containing some bottles and cans. In the dumpster, Kramer roots about
|
|
beneath the </p>
|
|
<p>plastic and cardboard, before coming up and handing a bottle to Newman,
|
|
who drops </p>
|
|
<p>it into his sack.</p>
|
|
<p>In Monk's, a waitress puts a tray of empty bottle onto a shelf behind
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer, who's eating a meal. As she leaves, he reaches behind him, takes
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>tray and tips the bottles into another plastic sack.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman stands in a doorway on the street. A homeless guy pushes a </p>
|
|
<p>shopping cart full of bottles and cans past. Newman drops a few coins
|
|
onto the </p>
|
|
<p>sidewalk, attracting the attention of the homeless guy, who leaves his
|
|
cart to </p>
|
|
<p>retrieve the change. Newman darts from the doorway, grabs hold of the
|
|
cart and </p>
|
|
<p>races away down the street, leaving the homeless guy shaking a fist and
|
|
yelling </p>
|
|
<p>after him.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman finishes a bottle of soda and hands the empty to Kramer, who </p>
|
|
<p>Hands another bottle to Newman. There's a long line of empty bottles
|
|
already </p>
|
|
<p>on the table and Newman's looking close to capacity. As Newman reluctantly
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>begins to drink this latest one, Kramer opens another and taps him on
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>stomach, causing Newman to splutter and spray soda across the table.</p>
|
|
<p>A cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back of a mail
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>truck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap palms
|
|
and </p>
|
|
<p>shake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle closed.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Yankee Stadium: George's Office]</p>
|
|
<p>George has his head down on his desk. Wilhelm walks jauntily along the
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Corridor and enters the office.</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: So...</p>
|
|
<p>George snaps awake.</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: ...did you go down to payroll?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. Very productive. Payroll...
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Paid off.</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: (pleased) Well then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then,
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>huh?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>necessary, you know, for the project?</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown.
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Just like the song says.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The song?</p>
|
|
<p>WILHELM: There's your answer. Downtown.</p>
|
|
<p>Wilhelm leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (thoughtful) Downtown.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Monk's]</p>
|
|
<p>George and Jerry in a booth.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Going downtown?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>sort of a</p>
|
|
<p>meaning. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay, so how does it go?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can </p>
|
|
<p>always go...'</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: '... downtown.'</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never </p>
|
|
<p>close...'</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: '...downtown.'</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.'
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>What's a little place that never closes?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Seven-eleven?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights
|
|
are </p>
|
|
<p>pretty. The Broadway area?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, that's midtown.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: '...down town.'</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 'Things'll be great, when you're...'</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: '...downtown.'</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. </p>
|
|
<p>There are movie shows...'</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Should confess?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How can you lose?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's Apartment/Elaine's Office]</p>
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<p>Jerry enters. He goes to his answering machine and plays the messages.</p>
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<p>TONY (O.S.): Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the shop. Look, we gotta
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</p>
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<p>talk. You better come down, any time after four.</p>
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<p>Jerry looks less than happy at the prospect. The phone rings, and Jerry
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</p>
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<p>answers.</p>
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|
<p>JERRY: Hello.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi, it's me.</p>
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|
<p>JERRY: Oh, hi.</p>
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|
<p>ELAINE: Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, you know what?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (worry) Oh no. What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I forgot.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, go down and get them.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I can't. The car's at the mechanics.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>just go and pick 'em up myself.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like
|
|
an hour, if </p>
|
|
<p>you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth
|
|
street?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Outside Auto Shop]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still real </p>
|
|
<p>intense.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, Tony.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: Thanks for coming in, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sure.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it </p>
|
|
<p>from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry.
|
|
You know </p>
|
|
<p>that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>quicky lube places, isn't it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down </p>
|
|
<p>here...</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component)
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I really wanna...</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep
|
|
it under </p>
|
|
<p>sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get
|
|
the oil </p>
|
|
<p>changed every thousand miles.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How much money is this gonna cost me?</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form?
|
|
You </p>
|
|
<p>barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre
|
|
pressure. </p>
|
|
<p>When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The washer fluid is fine.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: (angry) The washer fluid is not fine!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>gonna bring it someplace else.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: What d'you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on
|
|
my </p>
|
|
<p>way.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: Well, the car's on a lift.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, just get it down.</p>
|
|
<p>TONY: (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>bring it around.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay. Thank you, very much.</p>
|
|
<p>Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey. Where's the car?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: He's bringing it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Good.</p>
|
|
<p>There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires and </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes Jerry
|
|
and Elaine and </p>
|
|
<p>Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the car, and
|
|
at </p>
|
|
<p>each other in astonishment.</p>
|
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<p ></p>
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