1145 lines
42 KiB
HTML
1145 lines
42 KiB
HTML
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<p align="left"><br>
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[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]<br>
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<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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Written by: Jennifer Crittenden<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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Episode no. 172<br>
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pc: 916, season 9, episode 16<br>
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Broadcast date: March 19, 1998<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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The Cast<br>
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<br>
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Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars:<br>
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<br>
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Daniel Von Bargen................ Kruger<br>
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Cindy Ambuehl.................... Sophie<br>
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Daniel Dae Kim................... Student #1<br>
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Henry Woronicz................... Father Curtis<br>
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Ursaline Bryant.................. Dr. Wexler<br>
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Alex Craig Mann.................. Student #2<br>
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Brian Posehn..................... Artie<br>
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Alec Holland..................... Co-Worker #1<br>
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Suli McCullough.................. Co-Worker #2<br>
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Patrick Warburton................ Puddy<br>
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Danny Woodburn................... Mickey<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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First scene.<br>
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Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her last minute<br>
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instructions.<br>
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<br>
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Puddy: Alright, be careful with the car, babe.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yeah, yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Puddy: And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Goodbye?<br>
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<br>
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Puddy: Two and ten, babe.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Okay.<br>
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<br>
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Puddy: Don't peel out.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I won't.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine peels out and turns on the car stereo. She hears: "Jesus is
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one, Jesus<br>
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is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the stations
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but all<br>
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of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said
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unto<br>
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Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...",
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"Saved!", "Jey-sus!" She turns<br>
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off the radio.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Jesus?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene.<br>
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Meeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking.<br>
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<br>
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Kruger: According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger Industrial Smoothing
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is<br>
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heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts?<br>
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<br>
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George: Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off
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my rent<br>
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check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.<br>
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<br>
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Kruger: Works for me. Good thinking, George.<br>
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<br>
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Co-worker 1: Alright, George.<br>
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<br>
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Co-worker 2: Way to go man.<br>
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<br>
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George: Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend<br>
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we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger."<br>
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<br>
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Kruger: Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, let's get real.<br>
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<br>
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Co-worker 1: Good one.<br>
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<br>
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Co-worker 2: That was bad.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene.<br>
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George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.<br>
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<br>
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George: I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.<br>
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<br>
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JerrY: And then?<br>
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<br>
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George: I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during
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a<br>
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meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight
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and<br>
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walk off.<br>
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<br>
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George: I can't just leave.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: That's the way they do it in Vegas.<br>
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<br>
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George: You never played Vegas.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I hear things.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine enters and has a seat.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his
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radio<br>
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were Christian rock stations.<br>
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<br>
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George: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those
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real<br>
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musicians who think they're so cool and hip.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.<br>
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<br>
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George: Tell you how you could check.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: How?<br>
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<br>
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George: Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know?
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The<br>
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old switcheroo.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch
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it<br>
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with the other person's.<br>
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<br>
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George: No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the
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radio<br>
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did to her.<br>
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<br>
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|
George: Well that's the gist of it!<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Quiet! So where is this Sophie?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: How long have you two been together?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine and George: Nah.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register.<br>
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<br>
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|
George: By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I needed to move a bureau.<br>
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<br>
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|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<br>
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|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment.<br>
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|
<br>
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Kramer: Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?<br>
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<br>
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Mickey: Hey Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should<br>
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|
sound like that, something like that.<br>
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<br>
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Mickey: Aah-choo.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What's with the fake sneezing?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors
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to<br>
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help the students practice diagnosing.<br>
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<br>
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Mickey: They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms.
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|
It's<br>
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|
an easy gig.<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: Do medical schools actually do this?<br>
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|
<br>
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Kramer: Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer and Mickey: HUAAHHH!!<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: I think the phone is ringing.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer and Mickey: HUAAHHH!!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here
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|
with<br>
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|
that stuff?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: Mickey, DTs.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Kramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Hello?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Sophie: Hey. It's me.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Elaine?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Sophie: No, it's me.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: George??<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Sophie: Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice.<br>
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<br>
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|
Jerry: Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer enters.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: You got any Ipecac?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with
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|
this.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Did he overdose?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: No, it's just too much.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Office meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kruger: ...And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette<br>
|
|
Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the
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|
size of<br>
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|
a softball, and that spells trouble.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick
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|
a<br>
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|
pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Everyone at the meeting breaks out in laughter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (getting up and leaving): Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight<br>
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|
everybody.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Mt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes to
|
|
a group of<br>
|
|
people, Mickey and Kramer included.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dr. Wexler: In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned
|
|
and<br>
|
|
the symptoms you will need to exhibit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mickey: Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mickey: Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe
|
|
pain, nausea,<br>
|
|
delusions, it's got everything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (to the man beside him): Howbout you, do you wanna trade?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man: Sure.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Okay, what do you got?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man: The surgeon left a sponge inside me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Good luck with that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was
|
|
gone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What did you do the rest of the day?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar,
|
|
right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Hello boys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I did.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: And the Christian rock?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus
|
|
fish!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel<br>
|
|
misled.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on
|
|
the phone today.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I thought so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical,
|
|
it's<br>
|
|
like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, I got gonorrhea.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: That seems about right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: That's what they gave me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: They? The Government?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can
|
|
diagnose<br>
|
|
it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey,
|
|
he<br>
|
|
got bacterial meningitis.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The other three start laughing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (leaving): Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What was that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the
|
|
back<br>
|
|
row.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and
|
|
feel the<br>
|
|
gonorrhea themselves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Mt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med students.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Student #1: And are you experiencing any discomfort?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Just a little burning during urination.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Student #1: Okay, any other pain?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey)
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes
|
|
met<br>
|
|
across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher.
|
|
<br>
|
|
Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so
|
|
we<br>
|
|
danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that
|
|
I would<br>
|
|
experience soon afterwards.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Student #1: Gonorrhea?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Gonorrhea!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up the lights
|
|
and<br>
|
|
Kramer takes a bow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking his
|
|
phone<br>
|
|
messages.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: One message. Hope it's not from you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Answering machine: "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Sophie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: She's still doing that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yep.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give
|
|
her the<br>
|
|
"it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the
|
|
gander".<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What the hell is a gander, anyway?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (picking up the phone and dialing): It's a goose that's had the
|
|
old<br>
|
|
switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: Hey Raef.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (to George): She thinks it's someone named Raef.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Good, let her think it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (into the phone, with a disguised voice): So, what's going on?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: Not a lot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Ask about you, ask about you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So, uh, how are things with Jerry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the
|
|
tractor<br>
|
|
story.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Right, right, the tractor story.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I sound funny?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Abort! Abort!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close!
|
|
What<br>
|
|
drives me to take chances like that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: That was very real.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So where do you wanna eat?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: That's right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Not for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway.
|
|
We're<br>
|
|
dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, she looks completely normal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor<br>
|
|
accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You think she's got toes for thumbs?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too<br>
|
|
firm?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hands a little smelly?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why do I seek your counsel?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine walks in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well I'm going to hell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: That seems about right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: According to Puddy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee
|
|
and<br>
|
|
the doughtnuts and--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I'm not in the mood.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (To a passing waitress): I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What do you care? You don't believe in hell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I know, but he does.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination
|
|
of<br>
|
|
your soul.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, relationships are very important to me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you
|
|
burn for<br>
|
|
all eternity.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (to the waitress bringing his doughnut): And a slice of devil's
|
|
food<br>
|
|
cake.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey. Where is everyone?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you
|
|
are my<br>
|
|
main man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I am?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Mr. Kruger: I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but
|
|
lately<br>
|
|
you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and<br>
|
|
folders.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's get started.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: George? Check it out. (He begins to spin around in his chair)<br>
|
|
Three times around, no feet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: And?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: All me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dr. Wexler: Alright, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way,
|
|
Mr.<br>
|
|
Kramer, you were excellent.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mickey: Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright I get to wear make-up!
|
|
<br>
|
|
What did you get?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had<br>
|
|
gonorrhea last week.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dr. Wexler: Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: I move my knight... here. Check.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe<br>
|
|
they should change it to a tractor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought
|
|
the<br>
|
|
farm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: Bought the farm?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Tractor!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up, Jerry nods<br>
|
|
knowingly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: A scar?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: A tractor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk
|
|
about<br>
|
|
it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her
|
|
toe<br>
|
|
thumbs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: She doesn't have toe thumbs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for<br>
|
|
hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with
|
|
sleep<br>
|
|
creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was
|
|
that he<br>
|
|
finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around,
|
|
George<br>
|
|
sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe
|
|
this. <br>
|
|
This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger?
|
|
Who<br>
|
|
said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: I'm not too worried about it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I
|
|
put in<br>
|
|
your shoebox?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: Alright, alright I'm going.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (to Jerry): Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Never.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe. There's
|
|
a<br>
|
|
newspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you
|
|
just<br>
|
|
grab that one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: 'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: C'mon, get it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well if you want it, you get it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Sorry, thou shalt not steal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, but it's ok for me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: What do you care, you know where you're going.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Alright, that is it! I can't live like this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Nah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: C'mon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Alright, what did I do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils<br>
|
|
and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat!
|
|
I<br>
|
|
mean, what do you think about all that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Gonna be rough.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Uh, you should be trying to save me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you
|
|
should<br>
|
|
care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, that's right!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised as 'horns'
|
|
and she<br>
|
|
emits a gutteral growling sound.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Mt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing his part.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mickey: Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look
|
|
for<br>
|
|
love in a bottle?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dr. Wexler: Mr. Kramer? You're up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mickey: Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, we'll see.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Student #2: So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (pulling a liquor bottle from his jacket pocket): Well, I guess
|
|
it<br>
|
|
started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this
|
|
was the<br>
|
|
only friend I had left.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mickey: Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! (he jumps<br>
|
|
Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
They fall to the floor, wrestling.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Student #2: Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Elaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Curtis: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that
|
|
he isn't<br>
|
|
concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Puddy: Yeah, that's right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Curtis: Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples
|
|
have<br>
|
|
difficulty--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (Interrupting): Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Curtis: You aren't?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: We're just, you know, having a good time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Curtis: Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: No way, this is bogus, man!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, thank you father.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Curtis: Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's
|
|
talkng<br>
|
|
to the devil by the coffee machine?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: I'm really not in the mood, I'm going to hell.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in her apartment
|
|
and<br>
|
|
Father Curtis joins in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about.
|
|
<br>
|
|
See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with
|
|
it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: How could you know?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back
|
|
to<br>
|
|
Sopie's): Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not<br>
|
|
gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term
|
|
and<br>
|
|
meaningful relationship.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: ...I didn't say that, no.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mickey: You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd
|
|
have fun<br>
|
|
with it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, hey! I'm with someone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh. Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The<br>
|
|
important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (to Mickey): You know? She's right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a<br>
|
|
tractor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor<br>
|
|
story??<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You can't get it from that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Sophie: But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor<br>
|
|
in my bathing suit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (walking out): Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight<br>
|
|
everybody.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is working,
|
|
Mr.<br>
|
|
Kruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George is<br>
|
|
percolating.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your<br>
|
|
name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off
|
|
and<br>
|
|
all it says now is K-uger!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns,
|
|
huh? <br>
|
|
K-uger! K-uger!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger (getting up to leave): Thank you George, you've been great.
|
|
That's<br>
|
|
it for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: It's K-uger!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No! No!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Kruger: Goodnight everybody!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
END<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dedication: In memory of our friend, Lloyd Bridges.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
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|
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|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
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|
<div id="upperBox">
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|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
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|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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|
//-->
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</script>
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|
<script type='text/javascript'>
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|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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|
}
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|
</script>
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|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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|
window.location = locationstring;
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|
}
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|
-->
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|
</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
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|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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|
}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
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