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<h1>The Caddy</h1>
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<br>
Transcribed by Stan The Caddy<br>
Corrections by: Dan Coogan<br>
Originally posted on StanTheCaddy.com (http://www.StanTheCaddy.com)<br>
(Permission is given to copy
this script to other sites provided two lines above are included - Thanks)<br>
</p>
<p align="left"><br>
Episode 122<br>
<br>
------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
Written by: Gregg Kavet &amp; Andy Robin<br>
Directed by Andy Ackerman <br>
<br>
------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
Episode no. 122<br>
pc: 712, season 7, episode 12<br>
Broadcast date: January 26, 1996<br>
<br>
------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
The Cast<br>
<br>
Regulars:<br>
Jerry Seinfeld..........................Jerry Seinfeld<br>
Jason Alexander......................George Costanza<br>
Julia Louis-Dreyfus..................Elaine Benes<br>
Michael Richards.....................Cosmo Kramer<br>
<br>
Guest Stars:<br>
Brenda Strong........................Sue Ellen Mishke<br>
Armin Shimerman...................Stan The Caddy<br>
Arthur Rosenberg....................Judge<br>
Cynthia Madvig.......................Woman #1<br>
Marilyn Tokuda.......................Woman #2<br>
Jerry Stiller.............................Frank Costanza<br>
Estelle Harris...........................Estelle Costanza<br>
Heidi Swedberg.......................Susan Ross<br>
Phil Morris...............................Jackie Chiles<br>
Richard Herd...........................Wilhelm<br>
John O'Hurley..........................J Peterman<br>
<br>
<br>
------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
(Scene: Jerry's Apartment)<br>
<br>
Jerry: So why don't you get a locksmith?<br>
<br>
George: I was going to, but then I found out that the auto club has<br>
this free locksmith service, so I signed up. Just waiting for the<br>
membership to kick in.<br>
<br>
Jerry: How long has your car been sitting in the Yankee parking lot?<br>
<br>
George: I don't know, about three days.<br>
<br>
(Kramer enters with golf clubs)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Jerry: Y- you're not playin' golf?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yes, indeed. The calendar says winter, but he gods of spring<br>
are out.<br>
<br>
George: Are the courses open?<br>
<br>
Kramer: No, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan the Caddy, we've been<br>
going through the caddies entrance.<br>
<br>
George. Huh, No kidding?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else. Stan's advice has<br>
transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually I'll<br>
have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. Oh, that's my dream,<br>
Jerry.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Really, you're getting that good?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh, I'm the real deal.<br>
<br>
(Knocking is heard from outside in the hallway)<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, here, Stan, in here!<br>
<br>
(Stan enters)<br>
<br>
Kramer: There he is, yeah - Jerry, George, this is Stan the Caddy.<br>
<br>
George: How ya doin'?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hi.<br>
<br>
Stan: Nice to meet you. Ready to hit the links, Kramer?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh yeah, you betcha.<br>
<br>
Stan: What are those, ah, cotton pants?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah...Why, is it too cold out?<br>
<br>
Stan: Here's what you do: you bring a lightweight jacket, that way the<br>
<br>
sun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Ah, that makes sense, that's a good call, Stan. Alright, we'll<br>
<br>
see you guys later, huh?<br>
<br>
George: Yeah.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, we'll see ya.<br>
<br>
(Kramer and Stan leave)<br>
<br>
Jerry and George (together): Stan The Caddy.<br>
<br>
(Commercial)<br>
<br>
(Scene: On the street)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Elaine?<br>
<br>
(Elaine turns to see Sue Ellen waving her hand)<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Hi!<br>
<br>
Elaine (thinking to herself): Oh, great. It's the bra-less wonder. Who<br>
<br>
does she think she's kidding? Look at her, she's totally out of<br>
control. <br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: I was thinking that woman looks like Elaine Benes. <br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, ha ha ha. What have you been up to?<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: I've just been hanging out.<br>
<br>
Elaine (nodding): I see.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Oh, listen! I'm having a birthday party tomorrow evening,<br>
I'd love it if you came by.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Tomorrow...? I don't know if I can.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Nooo?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, I'm just really, really busy.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Oh, that's too bad.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Well, I hope you can get me a gift anyway.........ha ha ha.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Ha ha ha.<br>
<br>
(Scene: Yankee Stadium)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Wilhelm: George!?<br>
<br>
George: Mr. Wilhelm!<br>
<br>
Wilhelm: I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Mr Steinbrenner and I really<br>
want you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting<br>
in....And, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the General<br>
Manger, hasn't really been working out. And the boos thinks, you're the<br>
man for the job! So, keep it under your hat!<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(Scene: Jerry's Apartment)<br>
<br>
George: Assistant to the General Manager!! You know what means?!?<br>
He'd could be askin' my advice on trades! Trades, Jerry, I'm a<br>
heartbeat away!<br>
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
Jerry: That's a hell of an organization they're running up there. I<br>
can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years.<br>
<br>
George: And, it is all because of that car. You see, Steinbrenner is<br>
like the first guy in, at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures<br>
<br>
I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He<br>
see my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of<br>
<br>
them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever<br>
made.<br>
<br>
(Elaine enters)<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hey.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hey.<br>
<br>
George: Hey, how ya doing?!?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Better, now.<br>
<br>
Jerry: yeah, what happened?<br>
<br>
Elaine: You know Sue Ellen Mishke?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Sue Ellen Mishke? <br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland, she moved here last<br>
<br>
year...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Sounds familiar.<br>
<br>
Elaine: The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune--<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh, yeah, you mentioned her.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yes. I ran into her today. This woman has never, not once,<br>
ever, as long as I have known her, worn a bra.<br>
<br>
George: Ah, that is disgusting--<br>
<br>
Jerry: That is just shameless, I don't know, There's no--<br>
<br>
George: The woman's a pig, what wrong with her--<br>
<br>
Jerry: It's wrong, it's rude, and it's--<br>
<br>
George: It's disgusting--<br>
<br>
Elaine (getting up to leave): Alright, there's no---<br>
<br>
George: Come on! Come-on.<br>
<br>
Jerry: We're only kidding!<br>
<br>
Elaine: You don't understand. See, she hasn't changed at all. She<br>
stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party, and<br>
I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way,<br>
and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows<br>
her, right out the door!<br>
<br>
Jerry (excited): She's your Lex Luthor!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Her birthday's comin' up, so I decided to get her a little<br>
present.<br>
<br>
Jerry: What are you going to get her?<br>
<br>
Elaine: A very traditional, a very supportive, brazier.<br>
<br>
Jerry: There's nothing subtle about that.<br>
<br>
George: No, no, she might just think its a gift.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Have I ever bought you a jock strap as a gift?<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(Scene: The coffee shop)<br>
<br>
George: Ahhh, Hey-Ho.<br>
<br>
Jerry: What the hell are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at<br>
work?!?<br>
<br>
George: Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting out of town with Susan<br>
for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin! <br>
<br>
Jerry: So, you're just taking off from work?<br>
<br>
George: They won't know. I got the car there.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Do you think this is such a good idea, with you being on the<br>
verge of this big promotion?<br>
<br>
George: My presence, in that office, can only hurt my chances.<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(Scene: Elaine's office at J Peterman)<br>
<br>
Receptionist on Intercom: Sue Ellen Mishke to see you.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Sue Ellen Mishke? Ah, alright, send her in.<br>
<br>
(Sue Ellen enters, wearing the brazier as a top, with a black blazer)<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Hi Elaine.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hellllloo.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop<br>
in, and thank you for your lovely gift.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Ohhhhh. You're....welcome.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Is anything wrong?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Well, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a top, it's a bra.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Oh, I know. Thanks again.<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(Scene: The Rosses cabin)<br>
<br>
George: This is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid?<br>
<br>
Susan: Wanna check out a swap meet?<br>
<br>
George: Yeah, maybe. Where'd you get that?<br>
<br>
Susan: Oh, it was on the windshield of the car when we came out of that<br>
<br>
rest stop.<br>
<br>
(George sits up suddenly)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(Scene: Jerry's apartment, phone ringing)<br>
<br>
Jerry (answering phone): Yello.<br>
<br>
George: Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to do me a favor.<br>
<br>
Jerry: What's goin' on?<br>
<br>
George: I just remembered, there's this Chinese restaurant out near<br>
Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, so?<br>
<br>
George: Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I need ya to go out to the<br>
parking lot at Yankee Stadium, and take the flyers off my car.<br>
<br>
Jerry: You know last time you had me throwin' a rye bread up three<br>
floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers off<br>
your car, where does it end?!?<br>
<br>
George: Alright, alright. I'll drive the 4 hours each way, 6 hours all<br>
<br>
together, and take 'em off myself!!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Alright, alright, I'll do it!!<br>
<br>
(Jerry hangs up, Kramer enters Jerry's apartment)<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hey, what are ya up to?<br>
<br>
Kramer. Nothin'.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Do ya wanna go with me up to the Bronx and see if there's any<br>
flyers on George's car.<br>
<br>
Kramer (excited): Sure!<br>
<br>
Jerry: I guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I?<br>
<br>
Kramer: yep.<br>
<br>
(Scene: Yankee Stadium parking lot.)<br>
<br>
(George's car is covered with flyers bird droppings)<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh, man, look at this mess! You know what's gonna happen if<br>
they see this? What are we gonna do?<br>
<br>
Kramer: I don't know.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well, we gotta get it washed....Ah, the keys are locked inside!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Wait a second....<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
Jerry: What are ya gonna do?<br>
<br>
Kramer: I'll just snag the lock with this. Here we go...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, this quite a life I lead here, huh?<br>
<br>
(Scene: Jerry and Kramer driving George's car, after the car wash.<br>
Kramer is behind the wheel.)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Kramer: George has gotta be happy about this.<br>
<br>
Jerry (indifferent): Yeah, yeah, yeah...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just wearing a bra?<br>
<br>
(Sue Ellen is seen walking down the street)<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh, mama.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Kramer!!!<br>
<br>
(Car crashes into a lamp post)<br>
<br>
(Commercial)<br>
<br>
(Scene: Jerry's Apartment)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Elaine: My God, are you okay?<br>
<br>
Kramer: I got a cut on my head and I banged my shoulder.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I guess I have to bring his car back up to the stadium, if it<br>
can make it.<br>
<br>
Elaine: So how did this happen?<br>
<br>
Jerry: He was starin' at some woman!<br>
<br>
Kramer: I couldn't help it, you saw what she was wearing.<br>
<br>
Elaine: What woman?<br>
<br>
Jerry: There was this beautiful woman walking down the street wearing<br>
just a bra. I can't get that image out of my mind.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh...my God.<br>
<br>
Jerry: What?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Ohhh! That's Sue Ellen Mishke! <br>
<br>
Jerry: Sue Ellen Mishke?<br>
<br>
Elaine: That's the bra I gave here, she's wearing it as a top! The<br>
woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on,<br>
she's a menace to society.<br>
<br>
Kramer: You know, my arm really hurts. I wonder if its gonna affect my<br>
<br>
golf swing. <br>
<br>
(Kramer makes a golf swing motion and collapses in pain)<br>
<br>
(Stan enters)<br>
<br>
Stan (out of breath): I got your message, how's the shoulder?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing it!<br>
<br>
Stan: No, no. Not the left arm!<br>
<br>
Kramer: What happens if I can't play like I was? What about the tour,<br>
and all my dreams?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh! I got it! Let's sue her!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Sue her?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, she's loaded. She's the heiress to the O'Henry candy bar<br>
<br>
fortune.<br>
<br>
Kramer: No, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson from that coffee<br>
company.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Kramer, listen to me. Listen! This is a once in a lifetime<br>
opportunity. Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got to be held<br>
<br>
accountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got!<br>
<br>
Kramer: What do you think, Stan?<br>
<br>
Stan: Let's go for the green! You know a good lawyer?<br>
<br>
(Kramer smiles)<br>
<br>
(Scene: Jackie Chiles' office)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Jackie: So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding<br>
your own business?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah.<br>
<br>
Jackie: Then what happened?<br>
<br>
Kramer: The we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.<br>
<br>
Jackie: No top? She didn't have a top on? <br>
<br>
Kramer: No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.<br>
<br>
Jackie: Well how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was<br>
an attractive woman?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh, yeah.<br>
<br>
Jackie: So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin'<br>
around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions! <br>
<br>
Kramer: She was flouting.<br>
<br>
Jackie: That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, vesivius, salacious,<br>
outrageous!<br>
<br>
Kramer: It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar<br>
<br>
fortune.<br>
<br>
Jackie: Could you repeat that?<br>
<br>
Kramer: I said she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.<br>
<br>
Jackie: O'Henry? That's one of our top-selling candy bars. It's got<br>
chocolate, peanuts, nougat, it's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!<br>
Have you been to a doctor?<br>
<br>
Kramer: No.<br>
<br>
Jackie (speaking to the intercom): Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an<br>
appointment for Mr. Kramer, tell him it's for me.<br>
<br>
Kramer: So whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we got a case?<br>
<br>
Jackie: Like taking candy from a baby.<br>
<br>
(Scene: The cabin)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
George: I think I got it. How 'bout this? How 'bout this? We trade Jim<br>
<br>
Leyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh? Whadda ya think?<br>
That way you have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now you got<br>
a team! Ha ha ha.<br>
<br>
Susan: I don't know, George. I'm still worried about this car thing.<br>
<br>
George: Would ya stop worrying? <br>
<br>
Susan: Well, what about the flyers?<br>
<br>
George: Jerry took the flyers off the car, I got the whole thing<br>
covered.<br>
<br>
(Scene: Yankee Stadium parking lot)<br>
<br>
(Jerry having difficulty parking the car. After getting the car in the<br>
space, Jerry leans against the door, trying to close it. Finally he<br>
gives up and leaves, kicking a piece of the car under it as he goes)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(Scene: Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Come in!<br>
<br>
(Wilhelm enters)<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Ah, Wilhelm.<br>
<br>
Wilhelm: Mr. Steinbrenner, I am very concerned about George Costanza.<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: How 'bout a 'good morning'?<br>
<br>
Wilhelm: Yes sir, good morning, good morning, sir.<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Good morning to you, Wilhelm.<br>
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
Wilhelm: Anyway, his car's in the parking lot, the front end is based<br>
in, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere.<br>
Obviously he was in some sort of terrible car accident, and, trooper<br>
that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir.<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Alright, Wilhelm, listen to me. I want the stadium<br>
scoured. He could be bleeding to death in the bullpen. Put everyone on<br>
<br>
alert, check all the area hospitals, clinics, shelters, we've gotta find<br>
<br>
that kid. <br>
<br>
Wilhelm: Yes sir, yes sir.<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: We must find George, find him, Wilhelm!<br>
<br>
(Scene: The hallway in Jerry's building)<br>
<br>
(As Jerry walks down the hall to his apartment, he finds Sue Ellen<br>
knocking on Kramer's door)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Excuse me, do you happen to know the gentleman across the<br>
hall?<br>
<br>
Jerry (mesmerized): Yes, yes, I do.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Do you happen to know if he'll be back anytime soon?<br>
<br>
Jerry: No, I don't.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Oh...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Is there something I can help you with?<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: No, I really just needed to speak with him.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well, you can wait for him in here if you like.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Oh, maybe I will.<br>
<br>
(Jerry quickly unlocks his door, before she can change her mind)<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: If you don't mind.<br>
<br>
Jerry: No, no, not at all.<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Thanks.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I'm Jerry Seinfeld.<br>
<br>
(Scene: Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: What is with these people, all day long. Come in, come<br>
in.<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Wilhelm: Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, you know, we've searched everywhere,<br>
there's no sign of him. Not even anyone who remotely fits his<br>
description, sir.<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Oh my God, do you know what this means, Wilhelm? <br>
<br>
Wilhelm: What, sir?<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: He's dead! Costanza's dead!<br>
<br>
Wilhelm: Well, no, no, you see, I don't think--<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: As quickly as he came here, he's gone. The poor little<br>
guy! Easy. Easy, big Stein, get it together. Ok, Wilhelm.<br>
<br>
Wilhelm: Yessir?<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Find out where his parents live.<br>
<br>
Wilhelm: Parents.<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: I'm gonna personally notify them. ...and, ah, line up<br>
some candidates to fill that assistant to the General Manager position,<br>
we can't grieve forever! We gotta get back to business! Back to<br>
Business Wilhelm!<br>
<br>
(Scene: Jerry's Apartment)<br>
<br>
(Kramer enters)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, buddy, he's taking the case! Jackie Chiles is right on<br>
it! Right on it, he's all over it!<br>
<br>
Jerry (not happy): Oh, really?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on?<br>
<br>
Jerry: I don't know, so the woman was walking around in a bra, I mean<br>
it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been watching<br>
the road. <br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, your attitude has certainly changed.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I don't think my attitude has changed.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you to testify.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well, I don't know if I....<br>
<br>
Kramer: Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify!<br>
<br>
Jerry: I don't think I--<br>
<br>
Kramer: Listen, this is a million dollars we're talkin' about, Jerry,<br>
now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my team,<br>
Jerry!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about it, Kramer.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Alright what's gotten into you, what's happened?!?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Nothing's happened.<br>
<br>
Kramer (in disgust): Goohhhhck. <br>
<br>
(As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in the garbage<br>
<br>
can)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Kramer (picking up the wrapper): Ohhhh, what's this?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second,...<br>
<br>
Kramer: I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't<br>
she?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Kramer, it is not what you think.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. I think you're gaga over<br>
<br>
this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're<br>
willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down<br>
<br>
the river.<br>
<br>
Jerry: And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander<br>
out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality<br>
O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!<br>
<br>
Kramer: You're just out for sex!<br>
<br>
Jerry: You're just out for money!<br>
<br>
Kramer and Jerry (together): Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!<br>
<br>
(Scene: The Costanza house, Queens)<br>
<br>
(Steinbrenner is knocking, Estelle open the door)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Mrs. Costanza?<br>
<br>
Estelle (smiling): Yesss?<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: My name is George Steinbrenner, I'm afraid I have some<br>
very sad new about your son.<br>
<br>
(Scene changes to Costanza living room)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Estelle (crying): I can't believe it, he was so young. How could this<br>
have happened?<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Well, he'd been logging some pretty heavy hours, first<br>
one in in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was a human<br>
<br>
dynamo.<br>
<br>
Estelle: Are you sure you're talking about George?<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?<br>
<br>
Frank (yelling): What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had<br>
30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for an arm, you<br>
<br>
don't know what the hell you're doin'!!<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Well, Buener was a good prospect, no question about it.
<br>
But my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying 'Ken<br>
Phelps , Ken Phelps'.<br>
<br>
(Scene: Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message on<br>
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
his answering machine)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Frank (from the answering machine): Jerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr.<br>
Steinbrenner is here, George is dead, call me back!<br>
<br>
(The phone rings again)<br>
<br>
Jerry (answering phone): Hello?<br>
<br>
George (other end of phone): Hey, it's George. <br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Jerry: Where have you been?!?<br>
<br>
George: What?<br>
<br>
Jerry: I just got the most bizarre message from you father,<br>
Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!<br>
<br>
George: Dead? <br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, and we had an accident with your car, it's a little<br>
crumpled.<br>
<br>
George: My car is a little crumpled?!?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do so I put it back at the<br>
stadium. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, they saw<br>
the blood, they couldn't find ya, and now that's why Steinbrenner thinks<br>
<br>
you're dead!<br>
<br>
George: Okay, I gotta head back right away, I'll -- I gotta figure<br>
something out here.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well you gotta call your parents.<br>
<br>
George: I can't, Steinbrenner might still be there!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive?<br>
<br>
George: Nnnooo! They could use the break!<br>
<br>
(Scene: Elaine's office at J Peterman)<br>
<br>
(Elaine is at her desk, Peterman enters)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Peterman (holding up a bra): Elaine, do you see this? Do you see what<br>
I'm holding is my hands?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, it's a bra.<br>
<br>
Peterman: I saw a woman in our hallway wearing one of these as a top.<br>
What exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her, but the<br>
elevator door closed. It was not to be. Perhaps our paths will cross<br>
again some day.<br>
<br>
Elaine: What is this all about?<br>
<br>
Peterman: I wanna market this item as a new direction in women's<br>
fashion. We're gonna sell this as a top. Here's the angle: Zelda<br>
Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild parties,<br>
driving all the men crazy.....Have it on my desk by the end of the week.<br>
<br>
(Scene: Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Come in, come in.<br>
<br>
(George enters, with a bandage on his head, walking with crutches)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
George: Mr. Steinbrenner--<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner (shocked): Ahhh, Ahhh! Ah, ah ah! Is it you? <br>
<br>
George: Yeah, it's me sir. It's been a harrowing few days. After the<br>
car accident, I crawled into a ditch and managed to survive on grubs and<br>
<br>
puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted one of those. <br>
<br>
George: Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, I think I may have found<br>
a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to give up<br>
that much.<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Well, don't tell it to me George, tell it to the new<br>
Assistant to the General Manager.<br>
<br>
George: I didn't get the job?<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: Well, once you were dead, we couldn't just sit on our<br>
hands. We had to make a move...<br>
<br>
(Dejected, George turns to leave, no longer walking with he crutches,<br>
and takes the bandage off his head)<br>
<br>
Steinbrenner: But, you still have your old job. Of course, we'll have<br>
to dock you for the time you missed. We're running a ball club here.<br>
If I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next thing<br>
you know its chaos! And I can tell you this, chaos does not work for<br>
the New York Yankees! Not as long as I'm running the show!<br>
<br>
(Scene: Courtroom)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Jackie: So it was the meeting on the street that prompted you to buy<br>
the bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct?<br>
<br>
Elaine (on the witness stand): Yes...ummm, yes, that's correct.<br>
<br>
(Sue Ellen leans back and smiles at Jerry, Kramer notices, worried)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Jackie: And you have also brought with you, another bra, exactly like<br>
the one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yes, that's correct.<br>
<br>
(Kramer is now on the witness stand)<br>
<br>
<br>
Jackie: What was you golf score, the last round you played...before you<br>
<br>
shoulder was injured?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Three under par.<br>
<br>
(Stan nods proudly)<br>
<br>
Jackie (impressed): Oooohhhh, three under par...That's what the<br>
professionals shoot, isn't it?<br>
<br>
Kramer: If they're lucky.<br>
<br>
(Stan laughs)<br>
<br>
(Jerry is now on the witness stand)<br>
<br>
<br>
Jackie: Would you tell this jury exactly what you saw on the corner of<br>
83rd Street and Columbus?<br>
<br>
Jerry (hesitant): I...don't remember.<br>
<br>
Jackie: Well, did you, or did you not, see the defendant, wearing the<br>
bra?<br>
<br>
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe.<br>
<br>
Jackie: Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that you are under oath. Now<br>
I ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing the<br>
bra?!?<br>
<br>
Jerry: ....Alright, alright, I saw her! And she was beautiful in that<br>
bra! I'm crazy about her! I love her whole free swinging, free<br>
wheeling attitude!<br>
<br>
Judge (banging his gavel): This court will come to order!<br>
<br>
Jackie: No further questions, your honor.<br>
<br>
Judge: You may step down.<br>
<br>
Jackie (to Kramer): I think we got this wrapped up.<br>
<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan?<br>
<br>
Stan: You're close, you're on the green. You just have to go for the<br>
cup.<br>
<br>
Kramer: What do you mean?<br>
<br>
Stan: Have her try on the bra, see if it fits.<br>
<br>
Jackie: No, no, no, no! <br>
<br>
Kramer: Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man.<br>
<br>
Jackie: Stan? Who the hell is Stan? <br>
<br>
Kramer: He's my caddy.<br>
<br>
Jackie: You're caddy?!? This is a big mistake! <br>
<br>
Kramer: G- cada-<br>
<br>
Jackie: Your honor, we request at this time, that Miss Mishke...try on<br>
the bra.<br>
<br>
Judge: This court will come to order! Go ahead Miss Mishke, try it on.<br>
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
(Sue Ellen proceeds to try on the bra, over her top, but it seems too<br>
small)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Sue Ellen: Ah, it doesn't fit...I can't put it on.<br>
<br>
Jackie (to Kramer and Stan): Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothin'<br>
<br>
now, nothin'! I've been practicing law for 25 years, you're listenin'<br>
to a caddy! This is a public humiliation! You can't let the defendant<br>
have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on<br>
over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit on over a leotard. A<br>
bra gotta fit right up a person's skin, like a glove!<br>
<br>
(Scene: Elaine's office)<br>
<br>
(Two women enter wearing bras as tops)<br>
<br>
Woman #1: Oh, hey, Elaine, how 'bout some lunch?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, no, I don't think so.<br>
<br>
Woman #2: Great job on the Gatzby Swing Top. It's a winner.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, thanks.<br>
<br>
Woman #1: Are you sure you don't wanna go? We have reservations. <br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble gettin' a table.<br>
<br>
Woman #1: Ciao.<br>
<br>
Woman #2: Ba-bye.<br>
<br>
(Elaine makes a gun with her fingers and points it to her head)<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(End of Episode)<br>
<br>
<br>
Transcribed by Stan The Caddy<br>
Originally posted on StanTheCaddy.com (http://www.StanTheCaddy.com)<br>
(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as<br>
two lines above are included - Thanks)<br>
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